BIO:
Name: Sean
Carless
Age: 33.
Hometown: Hamilton,
(Dramatic pause) Ontario, Canada.
Hobbies: Gangster
movies, Horror movies, 80's metal, Hunting the
Elderly, Comics, 80's cartoons, Riding
Zebras, Pro Wrestling, Consensual
Sex, And various George
Lucas manufactured uber
nerdiness.
Writer
since:
Birth.
Work
Experience: Columnist, Webmaster,
Web Designer, Conqueror, Editor,
Coward, Writer's Guild of Canada member,
Wizard, Some minor experience in
broadcasting. (2006-2007).
Brief Resume: The
Wrestling Fan.com (owner & operator), The
Toronto Star, Live Audio Wrestling, 411Mania,
The Honky Tonk Man, Lethal Wrestling, Wrestlecrap,
Wrestling Observer, F4Wonline.com, The Rant
Shop.
INTRODUCTION
& WORK RELATED CONTACT
INFO:
Hello there, my name is Sean Carless, a 33
year old, Canadian satirist/columnist/ web
designer/ webmaster/ philanthropist/ gynecologist
with a PHD in Bein' Awesome, with a doctorate in
Keepin' it Real.
I am widely regarded
and considered by most in the know to be the
most important and influential human being that
has ever lived. Mostly when you discount the
millions of people more talented, respected and
revered. Other than that? I'm like right up
there. Especially if all those remaining
people die tragically. Or I kill them. Or
both. I'm not picky. Or sane.
I am a freelance writer by day, and a
super hero by night. I wear a domino mask
with my regular t-shirts and jeans, and
still, no one recognizes me. This is how this
shit works. Domino masks are all you need. Or
reading glasses. No one traces the batphone
either.
I have been writing for 7+ years
and specialize in humor, parodies and
sexiness, which I radiate like something that's
radioactive and thus sexy. Or
something. My "specialty" is
pop-culture, celebrities, and last but not
least, Professional
Wrestling. Stop mocking me.
Sure, *most* people my age may have
grown out of their childhood hobbies, but those
people are just busy making money and being
responsible and serving a purpose on this planet.
They're not all cool and awesome
and desperately lonely like
me.
That said, I have fully embraced
my perpetual immaturity and quasi-nerdiness and
have made a living off of
reporting/scrutinizing/parodying the world's
greatest sport featuring dudes play-fighting in
underwear; to the point where I am
now INFAMOUS, and have
even had my life threatened by one The
Ultimate Warrior. Seriously. He talked to his
hands for a half hour then swore death upon me via
what I imagine will be a flurry of
shoulder-tackles and big splashes. Luckily,
for me, I've since trained myself in the
art of ducking clotheslines, so, I'm safe. For
now.
In my life-time, which I've
convinced myself--much like God himself-- has no
comprehendible beginning,
I've written or
penned or typed or delivered via courier
pigeon thousands of columns for many
newspapers, magazines and websites around the
globe, the Crab Nebula and the general reaches of
the known galaxy where I was read by
dozens millions--
then forgotten about
completely.
Luckily for me, however, for my
great troubles and efforts for YEARS of
SERVICE in slaving over a keyboard, and
solving the complex Rubik's cube that is
HTML, I have been voted favorite writer by
way of Planet Earth 4 straight years.
(2003-2007). It's a truly great and
monumental honor that I calculate to have a
monetary value of exactly zero dollars. It's very
exciting. And
depressing.
In any event, as a
(un)professional freelance writer, I am
available for hire for a virtual cornucopia
of journalistic works and endeavors. I'm also
tremendously good at keeping secrets. In fact, I
still have OJ's other glove, the knife and
the real pair of Bruno Magli's. I'm a rock. I'm
telling you. So, whether you've killed an ex and their
respective companion in the restaurant trade
and need a man with no morals to lie for
you and preserve your freedom in the face of
grisly murder so you can golf and plan complicated
heists; or if by chance you belong to,
or are represented by a reputable magazine, a
not-so reputable magazine, website, or are
just looking for a screen-writer to put your
mishmash terrible clusterfuck of a movie into
context, I'm definitely your man,
and can be contacted for potential employment
and constant praising and hugs HERE. You won't
regret it. Much.
Also, if you are interested in
acquiring my services to run or create a website
for you, for which I have 6+ years experience
under my belt, well, fuck you. Seriously.
I'm sick of doing it. If there truly is
a Hell, it has to feature Satan making you
format html and javascript all day. Sulfur is for
pussies. But hey, if you *insist*
on trying me anyway, well, make me an
offer and we'll see how long I'll ignore you
for.
I also have 6+ years experience as an
editor, making thousands of other people's columns
and works actually intelligible, but truth be
told, I would sooner be willing to
be shot in the face with a bullet filled with
AIDS, and then puked on by the
Ebola monkey than to add anymore burden
to that fucking workload, so you can
fuck yourself there, too. Seriously. But hey,
if the price is right, I may reconsider. I'm like
a total whore. Only I still have self respect. And
can go to the bathroom without certain parts of my
anatomy stinging profusely or changing strange
colors. Somewhat.
Also, as the owner, proprietor
& slave-master of the perversely
successful www.thewrestlingfan.com site, if you are looking to have a
product reviewed (I have vast experience
reviewing DVDs, CD's, videogames, etc.); or
maybe you just want to advertise with our
site, which reaches millions of people each year,
contact me HERE, and we'll try and work
something out. I'm also up to doing so in exchange
for free goods. I'm silly like that. Plus, gifts
come in handy around Tax-season. (Let's just
pretend I actually claim all my earnings~!
Shhhhhhhhh).
EVEN MORE, ABOUT ME, ACTUAL
REAL-LIFE SEAN CARLESS:
So, ya, that's
all there is to know about BUSINESS
SEAN. But that's not all! Chances are, in
the last few
paragraphs, I've only promoted stuff that you
might not even care about! And instead you might
see the boyish smiling visage at the top of my
page and say "I'd rather like to know what he's
about!". Well, the sad truth is, I'm about
nothing. I have no principles or scruples or
values. In fact, I thought when news came down the
wire that Patrick Swayze had a few months to
live, that'd it pretty fucking funny to make
a new "Ghost" movie poster that read
"Coming Soon!" See? Exactly.
That
said, I'll now let you in a little bit
on the REAL Sean Carless, and not the clone I send
out to do my groceries and various worldly
tasks.
-To finally put
to rest the rumors I'm sure you've never even
thought about before, I am not actually
Carless. And yes, I've heard every joke
there is. Yet, I always have to roll my eyes when
someone makes a crack about my alleged lack of
vehicle like no one else has ever thought of this
ultimate fucking witticism before.
YES, YOU'RE THE VERY FIRST. I
imagine the only person to truly know my pain
would have to be someone with the last name
Handcock. Luckily for me,
unlike them, I don't necessarily have to
debunk any scandalous rumors as to what my
ancestors did for a living.
Oh, while we're
on the topic of names, my middle name is actually
"Harry", but as a child, not wanting it mixed up
with the other connotation "hairy", I convinced
many classmates that the ubiquitous "H" on
the teacher's roll-call actually stood for "Han
Solo". True story. Unfortunately, I was never able
to convince my brother Mike to pretend his middle
name was Chewbacca, so to perhaps become the
COOLEST FUCKING PEOPLE EVER. He failed to see how
infinitely awesome, and not painfully nerdy that
would be. Maybe it's because he realized he would
only be allowed to wear a strange metal sash and
nothing else, and just basically growl and mumble
a lot. I don't see the problem, personally. I've
spent the last 10 years doing this in my spare
time. Minus the sash.
-I am a slave
to any and all Entertainment mediums. From movies
to music to videogames to comics to pro wrestling
to discreetly--yet tastefully-- video-taping my
neighbors teenaged daughter from high above the
trees, I am unapologetically immature and
likely headed to any early grave sans an heir to
teach nothing of any redeeming value to. If it
involves sitting still, doing nilch, and generally
adding nothing of any significance to society as a
whole, I pretty much embrace it with all my heart.
Or half my heart, since I'm pretty fucking
convinced that's all that's working at the
moment.
-My Native
American sign of the Zodiac is WOLF. My rising
sign is BLITZER. And together, combined, we create
reputable news and trusted political
correspondence.
-I
am Canadian, which of course means you think
I always wear a toque, live in an Igloo, and pour
maple syrup directly into my mouth straight from
the bottle. Sadly, the "Igloo" is the only
stereotype not true. But only because it was an
unseasonably warm winter and it melted.
- I probably
say "LOL" on MSN messenger too much. And I hate
myself for it. I used to be a "haha" type of guy,
but I finally sold out. However, if you ever see
me write "LMAO" or the much more objectionable
"LMFAO", you have my permission to punch me right
in the soul.
- I have never
pumped my own gas in my life. I refuse to do
anything wherein there's a service where you can
pay to have it done right. The part where I
laugh, point and throw small bits of change
at them is purely spite, though.
-I am actually
an ordained minister. Seriously .
In 2005, I was ordained by the obscenely reputable
institution known as the Universal Life Church.
This allowed me to then practice Godliness in the
whole of North America, and even erect my very own
church. It's My Mom's garage. It's something.
Sometimes she brings sandwiches on Communion. It's
great. Plus, finally, I have a legit reason to
dunk people underwater. I just tell them it's
a "baptism". And not, umm, well, my lawyer said I
shouldn't finish this part.
Anyway,
apparently, the only ritual *forbidden* to me as a
legal agent of Jehovah, is to perform
circumcisions. And well, I'm not losing any sleep
over that. Not that handling penises is something
that causes anyone insomnia. But hey, it's
probably for the best. I've never been too fond of
genitals not belonging to my person.
-I've actually
worn socks with sandals once. FUCK YOUR RULES~! It
was comfortable. I am taking a stand
against any and all Clothing Elitism. Whilst
sitting. In socks. With sandals. Without pants.
That part's a bonus.
-I once had a
box of old wrestling videos mistakenly labeled
"PORN" to throw lady friends off. And somehow they
have found this more comforting than the reality
of hundreds of hours of Hulk Hogan. MY SECRET IS
OUT.
- I once ate
EVERY MEAL at Taco Bell for an entire year. It was
the greatest year of my life. I was like that
dude from Super-Size Me, only I didn't physically
disintegrate and die inside. Maybe it's a
McDonald's thing. Maybe it's advanced stages
of Cancer. I'm not too worried.
- Many online
are convinced that I may in fact be an alcoholic
or a drug-addict or both. But I lean more
towards just being "insane". God has given me
the gift of making the most absurd observations
without the need of any vices. Although, I'm
still an alcoholic and a drug-addict. But
that's just for fun.
-I am a great
barbecuer. I'm telling you! God has blessed
my hands with the ability to create delicious
charred meat and heal the sick and lame. Or maybe
just the first part. If you're a Vegetarian,
and this revelation offends you to the point
where you would like to bury me up to my neck in
soy, while dumping paint on me, to try
and teach me a lesson on MURDER and save
already devoured animals whom now line my
stomach like a badge of honor, let's just pretend
instead of "meat", I said umm, Zucchini? Sounds
about right. All I know is, for a group that hates
meat so much, why do they insist on creating
things that taste like meat? I mean, soy
burgers? It's like lesbians with their
dildos. THEY'RE SHAPED LIKE PENISES. I have a
penis. You can use that. I'm even willing to
sit real still, make no sound, wear a Rosey
O'Donnell mask, and just let you both bounce
off of it a while, if only to just to
save you the trip to Radio Shack for batteries
like with the alternative. I'm a
giver. Clearly.
-I, much like
every writer out there, am currently in the
process of writing scripts that will likely never
see completion. But rest assured, it's the best
thing you've never read in your life.
- For the last
ten+ years I have meticulously saved my money, so
I could be at a point where I can currently enjoy
a life of leisure. I'll think of you while I sleep
until 4 pm tomorrow. But not really.
- I once placed
a want-ad in my local paper for a Wizard, just to
see who'd apply. One guy did, and I felt
justified.
- I love long
walks on the Beach. Ok, this is a lie. But hey,
everyone else is lying, too! I've been to the
beach. Where are all these fucking
people aimlessly walking around? Shouldn't we
all be bumping into their awkward asses all the
time? No one is walking there.
You're all filthy fucking liars.
-I love
absurdly stupid comedies to a fault. Anchorman,
Old School, Knocked Up, etc. I can't get enough.
- I hate
musicals. They're ridiculous. I cannot buy people
spontaneously bursting into song. One minute two
groups of hoods are about knife fight, and then
holy shit, here comes the JAZZ HANDS~! Good luck
pullin' that shit of in a gang fight. Soft-shoe
never stopped a Rumble.
- I have an
addiction to online personality quizzes. Some
might misconstrue that as ultimate narcissism, but
those people are obviously not as important as I
am.
-I like women
who swear. I'm probably in the minority here, but
whatever. I don't want to marry June Cleaver.
Mostly because she's been dead for a
decade. I want a Sara Silverman. Literally.
I'm already circumcised. I at least know she'd be
used to it.
- I write
really pointless "about me" profiles. The
End.
ABOUT THIS
SITE:
Easy. This is
an all-in-one easy archive for my collective
by-gawd literary masterpieces. And a
graveyard for my more absurd blog-style content.
That's about it. I usually try to have new
content added or created at least by every
Thursday or Friday or whenever. So keep
checking back. Some weeks there may be more,
depending on if I'm inspired or not, and some
week's I may have to lay low for reasons that
rhyme with "police" and "wanted" and
"murder".
CONTACT:
For any
questions, inquiries or virtual congratulatory
hand-jobs, I can be contacted &
contracted HERE.
