By Sean
Carless.
I think it’s pretty
safe to say that Hollywood is out
of ideas. It's true. And even though
Theater attendance is obviously down, there are
still imbeciles
who go out and continue to buy tickets to
garbage, perpetuating certain moronic
elements of this industry so the studios will keep
churning out mindless A.D.D. garbage featuring
Yakuza's drag racing, remakes of
remakes, Epic Super-Hero Date Movies,
and whatever bullshit faggoty-feminized
funboy-fest movie teenaged girls
force Daddy to pay for, thus
perpetuating the fallacy that they and their
vapidly cavernous opinions even matter in society.
I hate all of these people. Even though, I'm
one of them. What? Little
Man had so much promise!
He's like a baby, you see,-- only with full-sized
adult genitals! It's
HILARIOUS~!
But, seriously,
the fact that there’s actually a movie out there
right now depicting one of history’s most
deplorable characters, Marie
Antoinette, as a misunderstood party
girl--and the fact that the omnipresent
pubescent rat-mustachioed Orlando Bloom EVEN
CONTINUES TO EXIST in this industry-- is
proof positive that if Korea is really
thinking of launching nuclear missiles like the
government says, they might as well target them at
Hollywood just to do us one huge favor. Maybe
then, someone will crawl out of the
radioactive debris, collect whatever limbs
they have left, and make a movie that doesn’t
make me want to take the straw from my overpriced
huge movie cola and drive it straight into my
eyes just to end the fucking
misery.
Anyway, the
easiest money in Hollywood in the last decade (or
longer) seems to be in the adaptation of comics/
cartoons/ video games. And therein is where I come
in. Through your bedroom window. Whilst you
slumber. (I raped
you.).
Recently, I
learned that they were making a live-action
version of Transformers-- easily my favorite
childhood cartoon/toy line. I was very happy at
this news at first, because much like most fans,
deep down I want to see my favorite character(s)
adapted into full size real-life likenesses-- and
not because I need new storylines when I play with
my toys because I'm a desperately pathetic
man-child with no hope of procreating. Not
even. However, I ultimately had
reservations. For whatever reason,
often times, Hollywood directors and
screenwriters choose not to follow the canon
of the story they’re adapting, and often change
many of the most important aspects for no real
reason other than because they think they can tell
a better story, or somehow, make it more relatable
and relevant to an audience that just won't ever
appreciate the nuances of GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS THAT
CAN TRANSFORM BLOWING SHIT UP. I
mean, really. No one wants to see He-Man and his
fucking furry loin-cloth trying to awakwardly fit
in in New York. And I don't want to see Optimus
Prime take a backseat to marines trying to get
home to see their first born children. Jesus. It's
not rocket science. It's real science! The kind of
science where a 8000 pound robot can turn into a
cassette player and be picked up by humans, just
because.
But hey, I will give it
a chance as I have all movies of its ilk. Even if
Michael Bay is attached to the film (instead of
say a flaming cross like I'd wish); and even
if this image of
Megatron (the
lead villain in the series) is the end
result. So what if he was an asshole for a
mouth, I decided -- whilst crying on the inside. I
mean, Unicron was one giant vagina that
devoured everything in its path (much like an ex
of mine), right? So maybe he's in good
company as far as gaping assholes for mouths
go. I'm an optimist. And a Megatronist.
Maybe, once I see it in
glorious motion, I won't be
as disgusted and forget all about my disdain.
(Just like I tell the ladies about my penis.).
Time will tell. And not be kind to my
me.
With that all
said, all this talk of the live action
Transformers and the potential pratfalls got me
thinking of all the other adaptations
that I have watched; and the many, MANY that I
have been tortured by. And thus, I formulated my
official Top (Bottom?) 10 offenders. And I’ll be
truthful, I am in no way proclaiming that *my*
choices are inequitably right-- even if they
actually are and I'm just sparing your
feelings-- but am instead just listing
the films (as previously mentioned, adapted from
comic books, cartoons or video games) that I
personally would sooner perform hara-kari on
myself with my obscenely gigantic universal
remote, than ever try and watch again unless it
features nudity.
As for the criteria,
mine is simple. It HAD to be a
movie that had a significant budget and/or high
expectations by the fans and releasing
studios only to then completely
disappoint. After all, it’d be pretty easy to
put the 1991 release of Captain America on this
list-- but let’s be honest, the contents
of your desk probably cost more money than
that giant abomination. Ah. If only there was a
"Super Serum" to help you die with dignity. If
only.
Onto the
list!
10. DAREDEVIL. (2003)
Starring Ben
Affleck.
First off, I understand
the Director’s cut is significantly better, but I
am going on the theatrical version here, so bear
with me. And hey,
I’m not going to lie, Daredevil was never one of
my favorite characters in Marvel, but still I was
intrigued originally to see how they would go
about telling the story of a blind man who
becomes an ass-kicking super hero. Because, let’s
face it, unless they’re hiding it pretty
well, most blind
people just stumble around or at the most play the
piano in enthusiastic fashion. They don’t kick the
fuck out of people with a telescopic walking stick
or suddenly have the innate ability to do full
gainers from roof-tops. Because if they could,
why, they’d just take your money,
rather than begging for it on a subway or in front
of a liquor store. Just saying.
Anyway, it is at
least somewhat loyal to the
character's origins, as Matt Murdoch (DD’s
alter-ego) is blinded as a child by the great old
comic standby: RADIOACTIVE
WASTE! Yes sir. I don’t know about you, but
they sure seem to transport this shit a lot in the
comic book world. Only luckily, in comic-land,
it bestows you with "powers" and "abilities",
instead of poisoning you and completely
obliterating you from the inside out with ravenous
cancer. So hey, if you ever see a truck with this
symbol,
don’t be afraid! Hell, take a bath in it! You’ll
become superhuman, and
definitely won’t die horribly from ravenous cancer
whilst bleeding from every orifice. Trust
me.
With that said,
after explaining how and when Murdoch went blind,
they don’t bother to EVER
EXPLAIN HOW A STRUGGLING LAWYER WHO ONLY WORKS
PRO-BONO CAN AFFORD TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS
WORTH OF BLIND-ASS-KICKING EQUIPMENT.
In addition to just how he became so adept at
fighting and acrobatics. I mean, you don’t see
Stevie Wonder doing full twirling cannonballs from
the rafters of churches, do you? A little
explanation would be
nice.
Other than the complete
lack of realistically explaining DD’s back-story,
my only other issue is Michael Clarke Duncan as
Kingpin. And it’s not that Duncan is not up
to the task-- but instead because
that I just don’t want to see the
loveable John Coffey ordering hits on people.
Although, a scene with him gently cradling
Bullseye's head, crying profusely may have
made it better. Yesa
Bossa.
9. THE PUNISHER. (1989)
Starring Dolph
Lundgren.
I for one really liked
the 2004 version, but the less that is said about
this one, the better. Dolph Lundrgren and 2 tins
of shoe polish stars as
former All-American cop (at least that's
what he is in this film) Frank Castle. Wait.
Dolph
Lundgren? All
American? Jesus. I always get a kick
out of movies where obvious Europeans have
extremely white-bread anglicized names. (Look no
further than the bulk of Arnold Schwarzenegger's
films for this phenomenon. Jack Slater?
With a fucking Austrian accent?
Surrrrre.).
Anyway, as you’d
expect, Castle’s family is savagely murdered, and
he goes bat-shit insane, and turns to vigilantism.
He also starts living in the sewers, because,
apparently, a cop’s salary doesn’t pay you enough
to rent a hotel room to fucking house your
vigilante base of operations. And for the record,
the iconic skull doesn’t even appear in this film.
I guess producers felt it wasn’t very realistic.
You know, unlike a 6’5” Swedish dude who can
barely speak English playing a Mid-western
American. But hey, at least The Punisher more than
lives up to his name here. Too bad it’s the
audience he’s doing it to.
8. STEEL. (1997) Starring
Shaquille
O'Neal.
Do I even need to go
into why this is on my list?
This cinematic masterpiece features
Shaq (dear lord) as “Steel”, a character developed
for DC during the Death of Superman storyline.
However, bar Shaq’s real life tattoo, this film
has nothing to do with the Man of Steel. In this version, Shaq is… a weapons
designer? Holy shit. I’ll let that sink in
for a
minute.
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
Ok, then.
I don’t think I’m being cruel when I say that I
can’t imagine Shaq designing anything. Seriously, I just can’t
picture a 7 foot 300 pound
clumsy motherfucker exactly having the "light
touch" needed to develop complex machinery.
Anyway, Shaq eventually sees gang members using
his weapons, and decides to take a stand. So, he
builds himself a suit of armor to gain an edge?
Huh. Some would think a hulking, towering,
muscle-bound black guy would be intimidating
enough. But I guess I was wrong. Soon 'Steel' is
born, and to say it’s comical is an
understatement. Poor Steel looks like Robo Cop’s
severely brain damaged younger brother with a
mouth full of marbles. Anyway, the whole thing
kind of falls apart from there (imagine that). But
not before making fun of O’Neal’s real-life issues
with free throws!!!! Man, I hate when movies do
this. It seems like every movie starring an
athlete ends up somehow incorporating a sports
trademark into the actual film, regardless of out
of place and ridiculous it is. Hell, they even had
the fucking Scorpion King giving Rock-Bottoms in
ancient Egypt
for Christ sakes. So of
course Shaq saves the day when he finally sinks a
basket (so to speak).
Oh ya, for the record,
the whole thing bombed. Like Hiroshima levels.
It’s funny when people find more
credibility in you as giant rapping
Genie than an action star. Poor
Shaq.
7. Tie: DOUBLE DRAGON (1994)
Starring Scott Wolf from Party of Five; and STREET
FIGHTER (1994). Starring Jean-Claude Van
Damme.
Dear God in heaven.
Most movies adapted from video games have two
things in common. 1) They almost always STINK and
2) they always completely deviate from the
storyline. These two are no
exception.
Double Dragon
stars Scott Wolf, who took time out from his busy
schedule of gently waiting for Jennifer Love
Hewitt to be “ready” for intercourse (as was
prevalent in all teenage shows of the 90’s) and
holding his struggling family together on Party of
Five, to playing one of the Lee brothers here. The
whole thing is built around the somewhat estranged
brothers each having a half of a magical
medallion, and wait for it…HAVING TO PUT THEIR DIFFERENCES
ASIDE AND WORK TOGETHER TO MAKE THE MAGIC WORK AND
DEFEAT THE FORCES OF EVIL! It’s an exciting
plot that’s only been 
used
a thousand times before. Throw in the fact that
the special effects used here make The Power
Rangers look like fucking Star Wars in comparison,
and you can understand my disdain. Even T-2 himself,
Robert Patrick, and Alyssa Milano in the tightest
blue t-shirt in creation couldn't save this
abortion. Hell, they even fucked up ABOBO,
something that cannot be fucked up. I mean,
holy shit, how hard is it to find a giant muscular
bald dude with an unnaturally huge head and a
mustache? Shave off the skullet, and The Hulkster
may have fit the bill. Oh well. All I know is,
even the mystical magic of the re-combined
Double Dragon medallion, a power that can
apparently cause the destruction of all
forces and manners of evil, still couldn’t
somehow utilize the tiniest shred of KUNG-FU BLACK
MAGIC to cause me to somehow, someway,
even remotely give a fuck. I still rubbed one out
to Milano, though. And boy did the usher get
pissed.
Now for Street Fighter.
While Mortal Kombat (the original) wasn’t exactly
Citizen Kane-- Citizen Kane with giant
anthropoid Kung-Fu human dragons-- or even CITIZENS ON
PATROL, at least it didn’t deviate that far from
the video game canon. You know, unlike this
cinematic equivalent of being hot-boxed in a
truck-stop bathroom. First of all, Ryu (the main
character from the game) is pushed aside for
Guile, played by “thespian extraordinaire”
Jean-Claude Van Damme-- whose acting is so wooden
here, he should be for sale in an Amish furniture
store. A store filled with Belgians who can't act!
or something! At least they could have stayed
true to form and given Jean
Claude the impossibly huge yellow high-top. Which,
at least, would give him a real advantage in
combat. While his foes are laughing at his
ridiculous head, it can give him just that much
more time to deliver a standing spin-kick while
they just stand there and don't even attempt to
block for 45 seconds. You know-- like in EVERY
FUCKING VAN DAMME MOVIE
EVER.
Anyway,
instead of the tournament setting, the “good
guys” here set off on a mission to stop M.
Bison’s tyranny. (Bison is played by the talented
Raul Julia, who died literally after making this
movie. And no, it wasn’t suicide. Although I can’t
say I’d have blamed him here).
The whole thing of
course ends up with yet another phony-assed Van
Damme martial arts showdown. God bless
Jean-Claude. Long before UFC completely exposed
Karate, Van Damme was here to somehow convince us
that possessing the ability to do the splits on
two stumps makes you an unbeatable
martial-artist. “Oh no! He’s hovering his
balls in midair, precariously balanced on two
chairs! We should run away! Or not even
attempt to block his impending bullet-time wheel
kicks!"
6. SHEENA. (1984)
Starring Tanya Roberts (Charlie’s Angels, Donna’s
mom on That 70’s
Show).
Hey, I
know it’s not adapted from a really famous comic,
but it’s on my list for stealing my life for two
hours. Hell, even the copious amounts of nudity
were shameless. So much so that I could barely
repeatedly masturbate to
it.
Anyway, this movie HAS
to be seen to be believed. Starring Tanya Roberts,
fresh off a similar role in BEASTMASTER (a film
where the namesake character has a symbiotic link
to animals after being given birth to by a cow.
Seriously. However they never do explain if in
fact this means his old man fucked a cow. Not that
I want to know...) and is now portraying Sheena, the young daughter of
a white couple on Safari in Africa, who die, and
leave her to be raised by the locals-- most
notably an African woman named Shaman. Yes, Shaman. In AFRICA. I think
it’s fairly safe to assume that the writers here
never took History or Geography. Next thing you
know, they’ll write a movie about an Indian chief
named Moliqua.
Fast forward twenty
years, and Sheena is now suddenly able to
ride zebras in slow motion bareback and of
course possess the ability to understand and
communicate with animals; some of which are
even miles away. This is of course a trait
that all Africans
possess. Or not. I don't know. All I do know is,
get a few of these fucking psychic Kenyan's
to lull a few animals into a false sense of
security, and we can
finally END STARVATION in Africa for good!.
Clearly, World Vision really needs to move forward
with this plan, rather than
unpacking countless boxes of Kraft dinner
from crates for the starving locals. I'm
telling you.
So, with that said, to
make a (painfully) long story short, a reporter
played by Ted Wass, (the father on Blossom, years
before she would set down the path to frumpy
lesbianism) shows up, and this strange white
skinned man baffles Sheena. At one point, she
notices his chest hair and is marveled by it.
Despite the fact that her shimmering smooth body
didn’t exactly get that way without a
little help from Mr. razor (discounting
the fact Lady Bics are kind of hard to come by in
the middle of the fucking Serengeti). The whole
climax as you’d imagine, involves Sheena looking
to a series of animals to help stop the bad guys,
while Ted Wass never questions just how the fuck
that’s possible, or better yet, how &
when a reputable plastic surgeon made his way to
the middle of Buttfuck Africa to give Sheena
her obvious breast
implants.
5. SUPER MARIO BROS. (1993)
Starring Bob
Hoskins.
Long before Bob Hoskins
was selling an emotionally broken Jet Li into
human cock fighting, he was Mario Mario, one of
two plumbing brothers (along with John Leguizamo
as Luigi) who get sucked into a parallel world,
where humans are descended from lizards instead of
primates, laws of nature be
damned.
Anyway, as one would
expect, adapting a story of two obese Italian
plumbers who stomp on turtles and mushrooms with
eyes would be difficult as far as believability is
concerned, but still, a straight adaptation would
have ended up being more credible than what we
got. Thank God they’re plumbers, that’s all I can
say. At least they’re used to be surrounded by
unending shit. And the shame is, it really
wasn’t even about Mario, the most iconic and
celebrated character in Nintendo history. Instead,
it’s fucking Luigi who gets the girl here. I
don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that no
one gives a fuck about Luigi (bar in Super Mario 2
the game, where he was arguable the best
character, game-play wise.). In fact, if you were
ever Luigi in the game, it was likely only because
your asshole brother chose Mario first on two
player mode. But still, here’s Luigi, getting all
the glory, pussy and more. Maybe the poor hapless
bastard has it coming after playing second banana
to Mario for 25 years, but still. To me, Luigi
ranks up high on the list of brothers who only
exist because of their more famous siblings,
sandwiched somewhere between Frank Stallone and
Daniel Baldwin.
Plot wise, the movie
wasn't that much better. The whole thing was built
on Koopa (played by a very human Dennis Hopper,
who probably just thought he was a giant
lizard ) using a weapon that causes people to
de-evolve to a brainless and primitive state.
No word on whether he tested it first on the
majority of posters on most message boards across
this country. Although, it would explain a few
things.
The
Mario's of course end up saving the day, and
Mario gets to hook up with a morbidly obese Puerto
Rican woman while the aforementioned Luigi gets
the hotty, Daisy. Poor Mario. If there was ever a
time to hear that ‘your princess was in another
castle’, this was definitely it. All of a sudden
that non-moving lava is looking pretty fucking
good.
4. SUPERMAN 4: The Quest for
the end of the
franchise Peace. (1987)
Starring Christopher
Reeve.
Poor
Supes. This was actually the movie that
single-handedly destroyed the franchise for almost
20 years and would be Reeve’s last appearance as
the Man of Steel (and not just because he kept
getting his cape caught in his chair). And here’s
the reason why: Reeve would apparently only do it
if he himself got to write the storyline. And
what's that storyline, you ask? Ridding the
world of those darn nukes, of course! Yes sir.
Superman is now an environmental crusader~! And
sure, one could say “so what if someone launches
Nukes? Superman could easily catch them, or worst
case scenario, prevent tragedy by once again
turning back time by reversing the rotation of the
Earth!” …which as we all know, always turns back time, and doesn’t
suck everyone in the world up into a violent
vortex and fling them simultaneously into orbit.
Wait, what were we talking about? Oh ya. Superman
disposing of Nuclear weapons into the deep reaches
of space. Too bad he didn’t launch this script
into the dark void as well. Could have saved us
some grief.
Anyway, out of
all this, Lex Luthor creates his own rival for
Superman by harnessing "the power of the sun". He
then names the villain "Nuclear Man". Huh. For a
super genius, he sure doesn’t seem to know
fuck all about what "Nuclear" actually means. Oh
well. "Sun Man" doesn't exactly roll off the
tongue, I guess.
From there, things
backfire, Superman has to thwart Nuclear Man
before he destroys the world, deposit Luthor back
into Prison, and orchestrate his next earth
friendly agenda: to responsibly recycle glass
bottles and newspapers! Stay tuned for this
and more in Superman 5: The Quest for
Composting! "They're a great people, Kal-El.
If they choose to be. They
just lack the light to show them how
to properly separate their plastics from
their papers".
3. MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE.
(1987) Starring Dolph
Lundgren.
Good Ol’ Ivan
Drago makes the list twice. But this time it
wasn’t entirely his fault. I doubt the producers
here had EVER even watched He-Man. But
hey, as much as I loved the old MOTU cartoon, I’ll
even admit it had a few flaws. I mean,
Prince Adam wasn’t exactly the best incognito
costume ever. He was basically the same muscle
bound asshole with a pudding basin haircut,
only he wore a pink vest with a white
undershirt whilst "incognito". And yes, no one recognized him. Sadly
this doesn’t seem to work in real life. Just the
other day I put on a *completely different* shirt
and pair of pants, and strangely people still
recognized me! I must be doing it
wrong. Maybe if I had a sword. Or a Prince
Valium
haircut. Maybe.
All kidding aside, this
movie just didn’t even remotely resemble He-Man in
any shape or form. Also, it suffered from my two
least favorite adaptation pitfalls: a) It
introduces characters out of thin air that never
existed in the base material; and b) it takes
place in the REAL world. And by "Real World", I
mean , our world, and not the MTV series.
Although, that would have been much better if only
for the interaction of He-Man and Skeletor arguing
pool-side in Bermuda
shorts.
Anyway,
this plot device, bringing fantasy characters into
our world, is something SO many producers do. They
feel as if we movie-goers just won’t relate to a
fantasy world without bringing real world
douche-bags into it. For the record, these ‘real
world’ people in question include a very young
pre-Friends Courtney Cox. If only Chandler was in
this, too. It might have made it somewhat more
bearable if only to hear him utter to He-Man
“Could your mullet BE anymore
ridiculous?”
The story itself sees
He-Man and the gang transported to Earth, along
with Skeletor and his minions Beast
Man and Evil Lyn-- the latter
of which obviously never had a choice but to go
into the villain racket with a name like
that. They
then all fight over a device that opens
inter-dimensional portals through combinations of
music. Dear God. Maybe they should have just had
fucking Man-at-Arms grab an
Accordion and hope for the best. He
already had the fucking polka mustache for
it.
And if
that’s all not bad enough, there’s really not
anything all that captivating about He-Man
himself. His sword possesses no magic, he’s not
wearing his trademark giant furry diaper, and
Battle Cat (Eternia’s only openly homosexual
utility vehicle) is NOWHERE to be seen. What a
waste. Even Skeletor was a let down. And sadly,
the poor guy never really seemed to recover after
this one. (see here).
2. BATMAN & ROBIN (1997)
Starring George Clooney & Chris
O’Donnell.
In just two movies,
Joel Schumacher managed to accomplish what Joker,
The Penguin and the Riddler could not: He
completely murdered Batman. And hey, as much
as I like rubber bat-suit nipples and extreme
close ups of Batman’s cock in his
rubber codpiece while “suiting up”, I just
can’t buy his “version” of the Caped Crusader no
matter how many times I try. I think I even
remember the exact moment I lost faith in his
direction. It was in the preceding Batman Forever,
where BATMAN SHOWS UP TO A
FUCKING COCKTAIL PARTY. Call me crazy, but
Batman tends to lose a wee bit of his
intimidation edge when you know he’s just some
asshole in a suit, drinking Brandy Alexander's
with a bunch of rich douche-bags. "Tell us, Bats,
what's your take on this morning's NASDAQ?
Pork-bellies or Gold?".
With that said, this
was beyond bad, with more characters haphazardly
stuffed into the movie than a fucking
circus clown-car. From Ah-nuld as Mr. Freeze
to Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy, they were all here,
and I couldn’t give a shit. Hell, even Batgirl
showed up (as played by Alicia Silverstone). And
hey, if an untrained diminutive valley girl
can kick your ass, I think it’s time to find a new
profession, because “arch criminal” just ain’t for
you. And of course, in truly sappy fashion,
Batman, Robin & Batgirl all join forces in the
end, and as a united FAMILY stop the bad guys.
They then go onto to form a traveling family folk
band. Ok, maybe not. But maybe they should.
They’ve already emasculated Batman enough already.
Hey, there’s another looming shot of his
balls! What gives!? Fucking Schumacher.
1. CATWOMAN. (2004) Starring
Halle Berry’s
tits.
Ah, Catwoman, the
movie. Basically, it’s just your run of the mill
“fashion designer gets murdered by her boss then
strangely gains advanced martial arts ability and
superhuman cat-like reflexes” story. What, you’ve
never heard that one? Well there’s a reason. This
Catwoman stinks. In fact, it’s so mind-bogglingly
terrible that real cats would be compelled to bury
it in the sand, if you know what I mean.
To me this is the
prototype of a failed adaptation. Just who the
hell was this aimed at? Comic book fans? I don’t
think so. It strayed so far from the source
material to draw any of them. Young girls? I’d
think the abysmal bombing of Elektra and the
2nd Charlie’s Angels proves
that action is not a genre teenage girls often
care about. So if not them, then who? Halle
Berry
herself? Maybe. The fact
the base canon for Catwoman was so altered makes
me seriously wonder. The fact is, Catwoman was
aimed at no one and the box office proved it.
Basically, the entire marketing was based entirely
around seeing Halle Berry in a tiny
rubber suit. And for those of us who suffered
through the intolerable Swordfish and John
Travolta's disturbing hair-helmet, we already
know there’s much better source material for
Halle
skin out
there, and believe me, I’ve donated enough DNA to
repopulate the Earth twenty times over after
watching them. (I CREATED MY OWN CAT-SCRATCH
POLE!)
The thing is, I’d
probably accept (but never watch) this film had it
been called anything but Catwoman. Because nothing
was the same. Nothing. Murdered
fashion designers don’t come back as Vigilantes.
If they did, we’d be see Versace swinging from the
roof tops right now in a fucking domino
mask.
And therein lays my
entire point for doing this list in the first
place; if you’re going to adapt a movie, stick to the story. If you want to
improve it, tell the story BETTER, don’t change it
completely. The most successful adaptations,
(Spiderman for example) don’t tend to stray too
far from the source material. Hell, Peter Jackson
didn’t input Rock music, or have Frodo go through
a fucking time portal in the Lord of the Rings
trilogy. He stuck to the material relatively
closely and brought the whole sweeping saga to
life. That’s ALL the fans ask for. But often the
movie-makers NEVER listen. Next thing you
know, they’ll remake “The Greatest Story Ever
Told” and this time, they'll have
the Savior transported to modern day New York City where
he'll get into all sorts of "hilarious"
fish-out-of-water (cloned
X 500!) sight-gag hi-jinks like
getting his robe caught in an escalator or being
thrown out of a restaurant for wearing
sandals. Jesus. (no pun
intended.).
Special
mentions go to the following films that just
missed the
cut:
BARBWIRE: Sure Pamela
Anderson has more plastic upstairs than the entire
first line of He-Man toys, but hey, who couldn't
get behind Pamela Anderson? Or more so, who
hasn't? Her nether regions probably look like a
disheveled sleeping bag by
now.
THE HULK: Some people loved
it. Some people hated it. I’m kind of indifferent
to Ang Lee’s vision. But at least there was no
part where the father and son Hulks stop in
mid-leap to exchange some gravity defying mid-air
karate.
JUDGE DREDD: Sylvester
Stallone is Da LAWR. He's the Judge,
Jury, and the Executioner. The last of which is a
sentence you wish he'd carry out on you after
watching this movie.
FLINTSTONES: I wasn’t the
biggest Flintstones fan when I was a kid, mostly
on the account that it seriously pissed me off
with the NERVE those household pets had in
locking Fred out of his own home, but who’s
idea was it casting Rosie O’Donnell as Betty
Rubble? I know dude's who had a thing for
Betty, so this was disturbing on multiple levels
not related to being a sick fuck who's attracted
to cartoon characters. Man. I can’t imagine
the casting session here. “You know what this
movie needs to sell more tickets?
An Overweight dumpy lesbian who
alienates men. MAKE IT
HAPPEN."
SCOOBY-DOO: Freddie
Prinze Jr. in a fucking ascot dickie = MONEY. And
by “money” I mean the complete opposite of
that. In fact, I'm pretty sure they had to invent
a bizarro currency just to calculate the
money this shit-pile earned. Plus, come
on. It’s been thirty years. The bad guy’s wearing
a mask. Holy
shit.
POPEYE: Spinach gives him
strength. Copious amounts of alcohol
likely gives him the courage to have sex with
the broomstick with a praying mantis head that is
Shelly Duvall as Olive Oil. It's no wonder his
forearms are so fucking huge. Yours would be too
if you masturbated as much as Popeye did to avoid
getting the urge to put his junk inside
Olive Oil. Dear
God.
ALONE IN THE DARK: Uwe Boll
needs to die in a fire. Seriously. Tara Reid as a
brilliant Archeologist? Ya, I'll buy that. Bitch
somehow botched a New Year's countdown, yet,
she has the knowledge to remember every nuance of
a long dead Indian civilization? Priorities, baby.
Priorities.
DOOM: Mildly
amusing if only for the Rock’s mid-movie heel
turn. But what of the poor Marines? These guys are
always so poorly represented in movies where
there’s a non-human threat. Why do they even
bother showing up? Man. They never fare well,
despite initially being represented as
Earth's best hope to eradicate the enemy. Yet, the
untrained humans are always the dudes who
actually kill the threat. But hey, keep bringing
in those Marines! Maybe this'll be the
time they're not systematically annihilated by an
alien. Jesus. This shit is as bad as the
people who keep showing up to the
parties Angela Lansbury is attending on Murder she
wrote; you know, despite the fact someone always
dies
there.
MORTAL KOMBAT ANNIHILATION:
You’ll wish that Goro had won the first tournament
and the earth was obliterated after watching this.
Hell, this movie did what Shang Tsung could not:
drain you of the fledgling remainder of your
immortal
soul.
TOMB RAIDER: Studios banked
on movie goers paying to see Angelina Jolie in a
black unitard. It worked. She looked for jewels.
We fondled ours. It was a beautiful partnership of
adventure, masturbation, Fake British accents,
masturbation, mystic relics, and
masturbation.
SUPERMAN 3: Richard Pryor
makes Supes life miserable. You read that right.
Coming soon, Batman, featuring the combined comic
hijinks of Bobcat Goldthwait and fucking Carrot
Top. Carrot produces a pair of pants with a ball
scoop sewn into the crotch. Alfred helps Batman
come up with a serum that actual makes
it
funny.
BATMAN FOREVER: Two words:
BAT NIPPLES. This movie was built entirely around
Batman's acquiring of a sidekick and ward,
Dick Grayson/Robin. In the comics, Batman would
actually go on to take in several young men
as his wards, which never seemed to
disturb anybody. I mean, a revolving door of
underage boys and an almost hermit-like rich
guy living in a mansion filled with gadgets and
toys? Hello? It's no wonder Robin was never
allowed to wear pants. It all makes sense
now. Michael Jackson was last seen purchasing
a cape and
cowl.
Ok,
that's it. That's my list of can't hit prospects.
In time, I have no doubt , that this list much
like my waistline these days will increase in
size. But until then, see you at the movies!
(unless it's one directed by Uwe Boll. Did I
mention he should die in a
fire?).
I’m Sean.
Sean Carless is a man of
many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The
Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap and Lethal
Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
