HAPPY COMPLETELY
MANUFACTURED DAY OF UNNECESSARY
SPENDING!
I'm taking
a stand against this Valentine's Day
business. And not just because I only got wished
such twice today and I'm incredibly
depressed. Not even! See, I'm taking a stand
against it because it's a completely manufactured
day orchestrated by card and candy companies to
bilk you out of money; all to sell
"status symbols" that apparently show and
gauge just how much you love your significant
other. Bah, I say. Bah. I mean, isn't
an affectionate pat on the head with a
complimentary rustling of their hair (The
patented "job well done"), or a quick
and firm grab of the ass of your significant
other enough to satisfy their yearning to know
that you indeed tolerate their existence enough?
What more do you want? Admiration? Love?
Respect? Chocolates? I call SUBTERFUGE on
this last one. You're celebrating your loved
one by poisoning them with
high-calorie treats that will in
turn make them fat, thus making them
less appealing to you... thus destroying your
entire relationship! It's a conspiracy, I say! And
I for one will be taking a stand. For your
own good, I will confiscate and eat your
chocolates for the betterment of your
relationship. It's true. So, if I see a
couple in embrace, walking the streets, arm and
arm, not a care in the world, and I
spot the young lass carrying
a heart-shaped box, I will grab said box, and
violently devour its contents, before
scurrying off. And I'll do so to SAVE your
relationship!... and not just to consume a
free meal in a state of complete wanton
greed, although I think that's the main reason.
And I'll do all of this with your
best interests at heart. I'm selfless like that.
I'm a giver. Clearly. And you know what? You
can thank me by not tasering, chasing, or
accosting me with something silly like
"pressed charges". Some gratitude would be nice.
Jesus.
Anyway,
besides exploiting the in-love, Valentine's day is
clearly a sadistic day of opulent torture designed
to punish the loveless, and make them feel
terrible about themselves. And therein is my main
issue. Holidays, or days of celebration should be
open and available to everyone and anyone. Kind of
like the way Christmas is readily available to
everyone whose parents care about them, not
including those who choose to forsake a day of
gift-exchange for something where there are no
gifts.
Valentine's Day also affords
us no such luxuries. It's an excluder.
It's a law that says no singles allowed at the
drinking fountain. Well, Fuck that shit. Call me
Rosa Parks, 'cause I'm sitting at the front of
that bus, and by god, I'm fuckin' it up for
everybody. Single people are left out in the cold.
I'm tired of "couples" being the only ones allowed
to revel in this day, as we singles stand there,
dumbfounded with dirty faces and open arms like
filthy medieval serfs while a caravan of wealthy
pass by in their golden chariots, ignoring us,
while we beg for but a scrap of food or money.
THIS SHIT IS DONE, YO. And here's what I'm doing
about it. Here's a list of Valentiney goodness you
can sabotage and ruin. And why not? Why should
they bask whilst you suffer? The chickens is
comin' home to roost, ya'll. So, when you're at
work or out and about today, do humanity a SERVICE
and complete the following tasks. Because if you
don't, the terrorists have truly
won.
- Go to
Blockbuster video early, and either hide any and
all films that can construed as romantic, or
replace them with zombie
movies.
-"Accidentally" feed the huge
bouquet of flowers on someone's desk into the
paper shredder.
-Create a
Photoshop of a co-worker with "another woman" and
stick it in an envelope, marked "I'm So
Sorry" and drop it into their mail
box.
-Send a
fake mass email that states that there's a
huge influx of poison chocolates going
around.
-Once back
in your apartment, open your windows and blast
death metal for the remainder of the
evening.
-Same as
above, only rather than metal, play a fetish
porn feature at high volume.
-If you
see a couple pulling out of a parking lot, pretend
to be hit by their car. Then insist they go
to the hospital with you. Continue this charade
until 12:00 am February
15th.
-Make
reservations at a restaurant ahead of time
that you know will be full of couples, and
get rip-roarin' drunk with your football buddies.
Farting and or belching is
encouraged.
-Pay a
prostitute to approach a couple and have her
give some random object back that he
supposedly left on the
nightstand.
-Phone a
co-worker, pretending to be a doctor, with their
significant other's "super-secret Chlamydia
test results".
-Send a
mystery card to a co-worker with a
Polaroid of your ridiculous genitals. If
that doesn't ruin any mood they might have for the
evening, I don't know what
will.
So, there
you go. Valentine's Day sabotage 101. But that
doesn't leave US with much does it? WRONG. I'm
taking this holiday back and celebrating a
Valentine that truly DESERVES to be
revered.....
GREG "THE
HAMMER" VALENTINE. Yes sir. I mean, I always
feel like dropping elbows and randomly applying
painful leg-locks to people on this day anyway, so
who better to spearhead and represent this
born-again festivity!
HAPPY
VALENTINE'S DAY. Now where did I put that
backward shinguard....
I'm
Sean.
