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OCEANS OF HURT: THE PLIGHT OF AQUAMAN:
THE WORLD'S MOST UNRELIABLE
SUPER-HERO.
[The following was
originally written in 2003, before every asshole
and his brother jumped on the Anti-Aquaman
bandwagon...].
You know who
my heart goes out to? Aquaman. Although, I've always
been of the school (HIYO) of thought that it should be
written as "AQUA-MAN", and not "AQUAMAN". I mean, the
guy isn't Jewish. Although, he may have natural a
disposition towards gefilte fish given the sheer amount
of time spent in the Ocean. But my point stands.
Whatever that is. "Oy! Hershel Shlomo Aquaman, you
better hurry your tookas up, or we'll all be late for
Synagogue!"
Anyway, my point is, and yes, there
is one, is that Aquaman is not the world's most reliable
Super-Hero. Have a pesky "crime issue" leagues under the
sea? He's definitely your man. Everywhere else? He's
just an asshole is a one-piece orange fish unitard,
walking around like you and I, his reinforcements
completely negated. I mean, I *guess* there's chance
that he could somehow channel a goldfish to rock his
fucking bowl until it tipped over and fell on a
criminal's head, thus knocking them out; but how many
muggers, burglars, rapists and thieves are standing
directly under a fishbowl? You see my point. He brings
nothing to the table. Other than a pretty delectable
assortment of Seafood. He has great access, after all.
But it's not really Aqua's fault, you'd think
that comic writers would have seen potential issues
coming...
Comic Book Writer #1: "Ok, Ok,
we HAVE Superman. He can fly, pick up heavy
objects and melt shit with eyes. And we have Batman. He
has neat little weapons, cloaks himself is darkness, and
is a brilliant detective. But what would happen if
either of these two suddenly found themselves in the
Ocean!"
Comic Book Writer #2: "Wait. why
would they be the Ocean? What's in the Ocean? Who'd EVER
want to start any sort of shit
there?"
Comic Book Writer #1: "Good
point. But let's just say, just to be safe, we create a
super-hero who'll have that base covered; we'll call him
AQUAMAN. And he'll swim. My god will he
swim."
Comic Book Artist #2: "But everyone
can swim, pretty much."
Comic Artist #1:
"But not as fast as this guy!"
Comic
Book Artist #2: "What about Superman? He's pretty
fast. Plus, he can breathe in space, so water shouldn't
be an issue. Hell, if Flash can run that fast, he could
probably swim pretty fast, too..."
Comic Book
Artist #1: "Jesus Christ. You're right. Well, we'll
just keep those assholes out of the drink, and give
Aquaman the ability to, umm, wait, I got it! He'll be
able to TALK TO FISH."
Comic Book
Artist #2: "Wait. What will that
accomplish?"
Comic Book Artist #1: "I
don't know. Jesus. They'll squawk a lot and splash
around. It'll be irritating. I don't
know."
Comic Book Artist #2: "You know
what? Why not? Maybe people will buy a few issues of
this thing before they figure out how fucking stupid it
is...."
....50 Years
later
Comic Booker Artist #1: "Soooo,
what if we gave him a beard, and a big fucking
Trident?"
Comic Booker Artist # 2:
"GOLD."
So, ya, that's Aquaman in a nutshell,
or crab-shell as it were. I feel for his ridiculous
plight. Really, I do. In fact, given the sheer
uselessness of Aqua sans water, you've got to wonder why
he was ever even inducted into the Justice League in the
first place. I can just picture the
awkwardness:
Superman: "Lex Luthor and the
Legion Of Doom have unfurled a scheme that could see
life as we know it come to and
end!"
Batman: "Ok, guys. You heard, Supes.
SUIT UP."
Aquaman: "Umm, question. Does
this "evil plot" by any chance take place near any
bodies of water?"
Superman:
"Nope."
Aquaman: *"sigh* well, I'll be in
my room if anyone needs me."
Flash: "Ya,
we'll call you if one of us falls into a fucking lake or
something."
Green Arrow: "Ya, and maybe
while we're gone, you can get some of your Dolphin
buddies to fetch us some take-out or something. We'll
probably be hungry when we get back."
Justice
League: Hahahahaha. (in unison, whilst pointing at
Aqua-Man).
Aquaman: "I hate my
life."
Poor Aquaman. At least Namor has super
strength. But on the other hand, Aquaman does get
to at least wear pants, unlike Submariner, who's forever
cursed to be housed only in a pair of scaly underoos for
eternity, dressed like the gay pool boy of fucking
Neptune. And ya, Aqua will at least always have someone
to talk to. Even if all he ever hears is "gargle, blump,
blump." That's something. I
guess.
Sean Carless is a man of many
hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings
have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky
Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal
Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
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