OCEANS OF HURT: THE PLIGHT OF
AQUAMAN: THE WORLD'S
MOST UNRELIABLE
SUPER-HERO.
[The
following was originally written in
2003, before every asshole and
his brother jumped on the Anti-Aquaman
bandwagon...].
You know who my heart goes out to? Aquaman. Although, I've always been of
the school (HIYO) of thought that it should be written as "AQUA-MAN", and
not "AQUAMAN". I mean, the guy isn't Jewish. Although, he may have natural
a disposition towards gefilte fish given the sheer amount of time spent
in the Ocean. But my point stands. Whatever that is. "Oy! Hershel Shlomo
Aquaman, you better hurry your tookas up, or we'll all be late for Synagogue!" (Or maybe not. After all, the last time the Jews' were even close to a natural body of water, God actually parted it, to keep them all dry.).
Anyway, my point is, and yes, there is one, is that Aquaman is not the world's
most reliable ... and dare I say, respectable... Super-Hero - even if he does get to use sea horses for fucking water ski's. Have a pesky "crime issue" leagues under the sea?
He's definitely your non-hyphanted-man. Everywhere else? He's just an asshole is a one-piece
orange fish unitard, walking around like you and I, his reinforcements completely
negated. I mean, I *guess* there's chance that he could somehow channel
a goldfish to rock his fucking bowl until it tipped over and fell on a criminal's
head, thus knocking them out; but how many muggers, burglars, rapists and
thieves are standing directly under a fishbowl? You see my point. He brings
nothing to the table. Other than a pretty delectable assortment of Seafood.
He has great access, after all.
But it's not really Aqua's fault; you'd think that comic writers would have
seen potential issues coming...
Comic Book Writer #1: "Ok, Ok, we HAVE Superman. He can fly, pick
up heavy objects and melt shit with his eyes. And we have Batman. He has neat
little weapons, cloaks himself in darkness, and is a brilliant detective.
But what would happen if either of these two suddenly found themselves in
the Ocean?!"
Comic Book Writer #2: "Wait. Why would they be the Ocean? What's
in the Ocean? Who'd EVER want to start any sort of shit there?"
Comic Book Writer #1: "Good point. But let's just say, just to be
safe, we create a super-hero who'll have that base covered; we'll call him
AQUAMAN. And he'll swim. My god will he swim."
Comic Book Artist #2:
"But everyone can swim, pretty much."
Comic Artist #1: "But not as fast as this guy!"
Comic Book Artist #2:
"What about Superman? He's pretty
fast. Plus, he can breathe in space, so water shouldn't be an issue. Hell,
if Flash can run that fast, he could probably swim pretty fast, too..."
Comic Book Artist #1:
"Jesus Christ. You're right. Well,
we'll just keep those assholes out of the drink, and give Aquaman the ability
to, umm, wait, I got it! He'll be able to TALK TO FISH."
Comic Book Artist #2:
"Wait. What will that accomplish?"
Comic Book Artist #1:
"I don't know. Jesus. They'll squawk a lot and splash
around. It'll be irritating. I don't know."
Comic Book Artist #2:
"You know what? Why not? Maybe people will buy a few
issues of this thing before they figure out how fucking stupid it is...
"
... 50 Years later
Comic Book Artist #1:
"Soooo, what if we gave him a beard, and a big fucking
Trident?"
Comic Book Artist #2:
"GOLD!"
So, ya, that's Aquaman in a nutshell, or crab-shell as it were. I feel for
his ridiculous plight. Really, I do. In fact, given the sheer uselessness
of Aqua sans water, you've got to wonder why he was ever even inducted into
the Justice League in the first place. I can just picture the awkwardness:
Superman:
"Lex Luthor and the Legion Of Doom have unfurled a scheme that
could see life as we know it come to and end!"
Batman:
"Ok, guys. You heard, Supes. SUIT UP."
Aquaman:
"Umm, question. Does this "evil plot" by any chance take place
near any bodies of water?"
Superman:
"Nope."
Aquaman:
* "sigh* well, I'll be in my room if anyone needs me."
Flash: "Ya, we'll call you if one of us falls into a fucking
lake or something."
Green Arrow: "Ya, and maybe while we're gone, you can get
some of your Dolphin buddies to fetch us some take-out or something. We'll
probably be hungry when we get back."
Justice League: Hahahahaha. (in unison, whilst pointing
at Aqua-Man).
Aquaman:
"I hate my life."
Poor Aquaman. At least Namor has super strength. But on the other
hand, Aquaman does get to at least wear pants, unlike Submariner, who's
forever cursed to be housed only in a pair of scaly underoos for eternity,
dressed like the gay pool boy of fucking Neptune. And ya, Aqua will at least
always have someone to talk to. Even if all he ever hears is "gargle, blump,
blump." That's something... I guess.
Sean Carless is
a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to
cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The
Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has
also cured AIDS.
