WWE
ARMAGEDDON
2003
(12/14/03)
Welcome to
Armageddon. A moment you always knew would come, but always
hoped you'd never be around to see. And now that it is finally
here, you'll have to pay the ultimate price. In this case,
$39.95 for a Goldberg/Kane/HHH match. Dear Lord. It's times
like that you wish it really was the end of the
world....
We
are live from Orlando Florida, and for the benefit of
those in the crowd who forgot that they were
indeed Americans, Lillian Garcia belts out the National
Anthem to start the show, and to celebrate the
capture of some "Dictator" guy overseas. Apparently,
this man was known for his constant evil scheming and
would never come clean on all the things he buried during his
tenure on top. And no, his name isn't Hulk Hogan; the things
he buried weren't Ricky Steamboat, Randy Savage & Bret
Hart; and the only weapons of mass destruction he possesses
were those 24 inch pythons, dude. If only it was Hogan,
though. What a shame. And hey, I know Hogan would never
be found hiding in a hole like Hussein, but you know, maybe he
should. If I had Jeff Jarrett on my
ass pestering me about coming in to TNA to lay down
for him, I think I'd go fucking AWOL too. Just
saying.
Onto the
show~!
Booker T. vs. Mark Henry w/ hands that can
CRUSH APPLES w/ Teddy Long w/ head too small for his
body.
The good
news is Teddy Long has a new "whitey-hating" protégé
that's actually black (I'm blacker than Rodney Mack,
and if you shone a flashlight on me you could see my internal
organs); but the bad news is it's Mark Henry, who although
technically black on the outside, is still very much
green everywhere fucking else. And this is after being in the
industry for almost 8 years! Dear god. Oh, I'd be remiss
if I didn't mention that JR is constantly putting over how
strong Mark Henry is. But hey, they wouldn't call him the
"World's strongest man" if he didn't come in like last place
in the Olympics! Wait. Why the fuck do they call him that
again?
Anyway,
Booker, who has yet to fully escape from WWE's Phantom zone,
has an uphill battle here against the fucking Predator.
He gets the advantage briefly with a huge missile dropkick,
but that only gets two. If only it was a real missile. If
only. Soon after, Henry gets the advantage, and hits the
old rest holds...like 2 minutes into this match. Dear
lord. As Big Mizark sweats oil all over Book in a chinlock,
then a bear hug, JR once again reminds us of the awesome
strength and fruit obliterating abilities of the world's 16th
strongest man. "He can crush apples with his bare
hands!!!!" (bear hands?). What a shame. That's probably
the only healthy low calorie food he's ever held, and he
just goes ahead and destroys it. You notice JR never
mentions him crushing an entire rack of ribs, or a giant plate
of pork chops. There's a reason for that. Booker makes
his comeback, and rocks the big man with a huge bicycle kick.
I used to use that one all the time. And sadly, I'm no
longer allowed on the park bike path anymore because of
this . Maybe I'm doing it wrong? Oh
well.
Anyway,
Henry once again regains the advantage with a big
spinebuster, then gets a powerbomb sloppier than a
dude with hooks for hands trying to eat a hard-shell taco;
which hilariously enough I've actually seen. JR covers
for Mizark's botchery by citing his INEXPERIENCE.
Inexperience? The motherfucker's been around for 7 and a
half years! Maybe he meant his experience in actually
being fucking tolerable to watch. He's definitely
a novice in that regard. Anyway, to bottom line this
abortion, Booker T. ends up winning clean with two axe kicks.
Or maybe we should call it the "ask kick" since Book
pronounces "ask" as "axe", and I always assumed maybe the
latter would be the opposite as well.
Yup.
Winner:
Booker T. Can you dig it sucka! And by that I mean a hole deep
enough to roll Henry into so I never have to see him wrestle
again. Although, part of me would like to see him
feud with Big Show on SD. Show has hands like "frying pans"
after all, and well, JR said Henry crushes them
in his spare time. It just makes sense.
/5
-Mick
Foley comes out to nice pop and tells everyone that the "Bring
back Stone Cold" petition has one million signatures. On a
side note, Triple H's "keep the belt on HHH forever"
petition currently as 5 signatures, 4 of which have the last
name McMahon. Imagine that. Foley says he's here to
celebrate, and says he has someone who wants to celebrate
with him. He then introduces Stacy Keibler, and
she comes out wearing a cheerleader's outfit and does some
cart wheels. God bless Mick Foley. And if I was in his
position, I too would reach into my pants and pull something
out, but it sure as shit wouldn't be Mr. Socko. Although, he'd
definitely come in handy to clean up
afterward...
Anyway, Foley and Stacy fool around until Randy Orton
interrupts. Orton says he's "here to collect on... what he
came here to collect on". Hopefully he's talking about a jock
strap. Between him and Rene Dupree lately, they're giving the
Dudley's a serious run for their money on the "got wood"
catchphrase. Dear lord. Anyway, Foley decides that since Randy is out there now,
he might as well have his match, which leads us to:
Randy Orton w/ Ric Flair vs. (C) RVD w/ EDUCATED
FEET for Intercontinental Title: Mick Foley as
Referee.
I
was kind of surprised, but these two actually had
some decent chemistry in the ring. Of course, since one
half of the equation is RVD, I think we know what
chemicals those might be. Anyway, lots of near falls in this one, and RVD of
course stiffs the shit out of Randy with kicks. CRASH COURSE
IN EDUCATED FEET~! I respect the fact that Rob's
feet had the foresight to get a good education. Sometimes
I kick myself (with my uneducated feet) that I never had
the good sense to send my limbs for a
proper post secondary school education. Maybe it's for
the best though. With all those feet attending
classes, that campus has to smell terrible. That's right.
Anyway, Orton gets the move
of the night when he pulls RVD into a DDT while Rob's
legs were elevated on the ropes. That'll sober a motherfucker
up fast. The end for
Rob comes soon after when Ric Flair causes a
distraction as RVD was heading upstairs, allowing
Orton to crotch RVD on the top rope with a dropkick and hit
the RKO for the win and the Title. Good match, but strangely
Foley wasn't even a factor.
Winner and
NEW Intercontinental Champion, Randy Orton! Rob is now without
gold. Well, until he gets backstage, anyway. There's
probably a big fat bowl of the Acapulco variety waiting
for him. So he'll be fine. Don't you
worry.
-Video
package: Jericho/Xian vs. Lita & Trish. Dear God. Fucking
Pinocchio is less wooden than Lita's acting
here.
Chris Jericho &
Christian vs. Lita & Trish Stratus
This match
of course all stemmed from Jericho and Christian placing
a bet...for one Canadian dollar, that they could bed
Trish and Lita respectively, first. This of course didn't sit
too well with the ladies. Imagine that. Although, I think it'd
have been funnier if the bet for Lita was for one Peso, in
honor of her alleged Mexican indiscretions. But hey,
that's just me.
Anyway,
Jericho plays up his apprehension of hurting Trish, planting
the seeds of a face turn. I myself would much rather plant
seeds in Trish, if you know what I mean. Did I say that
out-loud? Ahem. Anyway, Trish starts off and is still FURIOUS
at Jericho for considering her net worth to be one measly
Loonie. But, hey, you'd be surprised at what you can buy for a
dollar sometimes. In fact, just the other day I picked up
a key chain at garage sale with a picture of Ponch from
C.H.I.P.S. on it for only 75 cents! YES, SEVENTY FIVE
CENTS...for PONCH. You CANNOT put a price on something
like that! (mostly because no one but me would
fucking buy it, but hey, whatever!). Trish should be
HONORED. What the hell is wrong with her? Wait. What were we
talking about again?
Oh
ya, Trish aggressively attacks Jericho, who in turn tries
to calm her down. Chris then attempts to accomplish
this by TURNING TRISH OVER ON HIS KNEE AND SPANKING
HER! Heh. Something makes me think that might not
actually work in real life. But hey, who knows. You should
give it a try! Next time your old lady bitches at you
about not taking the garbage out, just flip her over and give
her a few what for's on the asshole. She'll LOVE IT!
And clearly she'll be eating out of your hand! (then
waiting for you to fall asleep so she can kill
you). Anyway, Christian
eventually makes the tag, and he of course has no reservations
about getting physical with the ladies. Oh, and his
answer to Lita's anger is to tear her shirt
off. I can tell you from experience that women seem to
HATE this. Even more so when they've never met you
before. Live and learn. Anyway, Lita is PISSED (but as she
learned from Danny Doring, it's better to be pissed off, than,
well, you know the rest) and kicks him right in the nuts. She
then makes the hot(ty) tag to Trish who chick kicks Christian,
as Lita straddles Jericho on the top. She tries a super
frankensteiner on Y2J, but he counters, and Xian gets a
two. Jericho then dumps Lita out and over, much like Fishman
with her clothes in the dead of the night, and Jericho
goes to check on a fallen Trish. As he helps her up, Christian
gets a quick school boy and pin! Ha! Penises- 1
Vaginas-0!
Winners:
Chris Jericho and Christian. Man, you'd think Lita would have
fared a bit better here, seeing how she's used to taking
on two dudes at the same time. Of course, Y2J and
Christian's lack of multi-colored masks might have thrown
her off a bit. Maybe that was it.
/5
-As
Jericho leaves the ring, he gives a bewildered stare to Trish.
Aww. Man, I hope these two crazy kids get together. If
clotheslining a woman, disrespectfully spanking her, and
equating her worth to one of the lowest denominations
of currency isn't enough to create the foundation
for a successful relationship, I don't know what
will.
-HBK vs.
Batista package. Batista makes Evolution proud by costing HBK
the Survivor Series. And speaking of Evolution, I've been
racking my brain trying to figure out just what part he
plays in the group. I mean, Flair is obviously the dinosaur,
HHH the Cro-Magnon and Randy Orton is Homo Erectus... but
where does Batista fit into the whole thing? Only Darwin
knows for sure. But unfortunately he's not talking. This is
probably because he's been dead for over a hundred years. But
hey, whatever.
Batista w/ Ric Flair vs. HBK w/
Jesus?
Much like
our lord Jesus before him, HBK was forced to carry the
burden of a large cumbersome object seemingly to the
place of his unfortunate demise. For Jesus
it was of course the cross, while for HBK
it was the equally wooden Batista. And unlike JC, Shawn
didn't have the luxury of a Good Samaritan
to step in and help him finish the job. If
only. And speaking of the Lord and HBK;
Michaels has a new T-shirt with his logo inside a Jesus fish.
Ya, that's not going to offend anyone. Not at all. But hey,
why should it? Turns out, the HBK Jesus fish can be traced
back to early first century Rome, where HBK fans would
secretly communicate with another by sketching the HBK fish in
the sand. You see, they had to do this, because being a Shawn
Michaels fan in those days was punishable by death. Just like
it is in Canada today....
Anyway, despite it being close to Christmas,
there was to be no
"Festivus" Miracles on this night, as Batista is even beyond
divine intervention at this point. But I'll be damned if
Shawn didn't try his hardest. Anyway, standard
big person having his way
with little person fare here ( not to be
confused with the exploits of Michael Jackson) as Batista
dominates with clotheslines and backbreakers. HBK
however, comes back with a big DDT out of a Batista
elevated choke. He then goes up and hits the "you better
fucking sell this elbow drop" (ask Vader about it) and tunes
up the band. However, Batista ducks and hits a big
spinebuster. I have yet to see a spine ever bust
though. That's just false advertising right
there. Batista then picks him up and gets a second
one. He then signals for the end. Either that or he has an
epileptic seizure. I'm not sure. He goes for the sit out
powerbomb from there, but Michaels wriggles free and hits a
superkick out of nowhere and collapses atop Batista for the
big win! Wow. that came out of
nowhere.
Winner:
HBK, who takes another chink out of Evolution. Intelligent
Design ftw?
-After the match, a distraught Batista refuses to leave
the ring. Maven and his unibrow then comes out for a
match with Matt Hardy apparently. And speaking of Maven's one
fucking continuous brow , I'm personally convinced
the reason he doesn't have any hair on his head is because his
body was only able to barely produce enough of
it to cover his eyebrows. Anyway, Batista, angry that
Maven dare impede on his sulking
(Sulkamania?), destroys
Maven in short order and Matt simply rolls into ring and
counts his own pin. Haha.
Awesome.
-Backstage, Batista whines some more, as Flair
gives him a pep talk, calling him "special" (Special like
"Corky" from Life Goes On). Flair goes on to say even the best
ones fall, but they get back up, and go at it again. Unless
they trip and fall and tear all their muscles while jogging
alongside the road, and spend 8 months on the shelf as a
result. Just saying.
Tag Team
Turmoil for World Tag Team Titles: Featuring La
Résistance, Hurricane & Rosey, Cade & Jindrak, Val
Venis & Lance Storm, (C) The Dudleys, Scott Steiner &
Test & SUPER DUPER MYSTERY TEAM~!
La
Résistance and Shit Storm (Hurricane & Rosey) start off.
Hey! La Rez are no longer representing France, but
are now instead making their completely
nonsensical base of operations in Quebec.
Heh. I guess someone finally figured out that we're
not actually at war with France. Some people might
say "hey, we're not at war with Canada either", but I think
Vince's booking since 1997 has pretty much refuted that
argument altogether...
Anyway, La
Rez are not long for this world, a world that apparently only
contains the U.S., and is opposed by everyone else who dare
not be born on her fair shores, and gets eliminated in
short order when Hurricane and Rosey drop a load
of S.H.I.T. on them via a superfly splash by Hurricane
off Rosey's shoulders. They then go back to Quebec to continue
resisting... something? Bathing? Common courtesy?
Take your pick.
From
there, the only team in wrestling who sweats milk, Cade and
Jindrak, sneak in and eliminate Hurricane when Jindrak hits a
DEVASTATING SCHOOL-BOY ROLL UP, which apparently is his
fucking finisher lately. BODIES BROKEN. CAREERS ENDED IN
AN INSTANT. WHATEVER YOU DO. DON'T TRY THIS AT
HOME.
From
there, Val Venis, Lance Storm and kayfabe
penises that outweigh the team's combined weight, come
out next and soon the crowd starts yelling "Boring" at
Lance, apparently forgetting the poor bastard doesn't have
that gimmick anymore. Apparently, packing a fucking rolled
poster tube for a member is suddenly supposed to make
crowds realize you're interesting and
charismatic. They must
have missed the memo.
After some pretty decent back and forth, Val hits the
blue (balls) thunder bomb, and looks to suplex Jindrak,
but Cade acts as
the proverbial dose of saltpeter to Val, and chop blocks
him, letting Jindrak fall on top for the pin, and sending
the brothers in cock
packing.
The
Dudleys are out next and after several close calls they pick
up the win over Jinrak/Cade with the 3D. Thank God. If Cade
& Jindrak won the titles, I think I'd take a page from
Jindrak himself and personally demonstrate my
"incredible vertical leap" ...off a fucking building. With
that said, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Bubba's new
shorts here. Holy shit that's disturbing. Either Bubba's grown
about 4 feet in height in the last few weeks, or he should
fire his fucking dry cleaner. Anyway, speaking of things
inexplicably shrinking, here comes Test & Scott
Steiner as the *final
team*. And dear lord, this segment was BRUTAL; and much like a
bad blowjob, it seemed to go on forever with no payoff in
sight. That's right. Test ends up using a chair on D-Von
behind the ref's back, but Bubba breaks it up. He then hits a
quick Bubba bomb and drapes D-Von's arm over Test
for the cover and the win.
However, Eric Bischoff immediately comes out and
tells the exhausted Dudleys that there is one more team in the
match: Ric Flair and Batista. Batista and Flair decimate the Dudz in
short order, as Batista powerbombs D-Von and pins him while
Flair has Bubba and his son's shorts in the Figure-Four
to win the Titles.
Winners and NEW Champions: Evolution! And another
belt goes to the Faux Horsemen! Man, even Ray Charles could see
where this is going.
(C) Molly
Holly vs. Ivory: Women's Title
Hey, since when does a
person not even on TV for weeks get a world title
shot? What gives? Err, let me rephrase that; since when
does a person not Triple H who hasn't been on TV for
weeks get a world title shot? What gives? That's
better.
Anyway,
they literally added this match at the last minute, as
Ivory is defrosted from her Cryogenic chamber
for combat. (They would have used Jacqueline, but
her implants take up to 3 weeks to unthaw). And speaking of
which, part of me wonders if in a couple of hundred
years, there'll be a special room in Titan Towers containing
the Futurama-like heads of people like Ivory, that can in
turn be carted out in the case they need some random
filler. Sadly, something makes me think RVD or Booker T. might
be the first "volunteers"....
Kind of rushed and
sloppy here, much like my lovemaking, but any Molly is a good
thing in my book. Anyway, to bottom line it ('cause, I,
umm, want to?) Molly gets run into a turnbuckle she
exposed herself, and Ivory gets the roll-up, but somehow Molly
rolls through and collects the pin with a hook of the pants. I
know a guy whose dates usually end like that. He'll be out of
prison in 8-10.
Winner and still
champion: Molly Holly. The Pride of Forrest Lake, Minnesota!
And not just because nothing else fucking happens there. Not
even.
/5
Goldberg vs. HHH vs.
Kane; World Heavyweight
Title.
Ah, yes. Goldberg vs.
HHH: AGAIN. Holy shit. This is getting old, fast.
Clearly, at this stage, Goldberg should change his catchphrase
from "Who's Next?" to "Fuck! You
again?!"
This is of course
a triple threat match, which I'm convinced was made after the
company saw just how incredibly terrible Goldberg vs.
Kane was on RAW. But hey, there is a silver lining.
Kane & Goldy might not make great opponents, but they
could make great 'Odd Couple' room mates! Just think of the
possibilities! And this close to Chanukah, just think about
how handy Kane could
be in the synagogue! Hell, he could light all the
candles on the Menorah by just lifting his
arms!
Anyway, for those
curious, HHH's gotten rid of the orthopedic hot-pants, so I
guess the old Steph hammer must be all healed up by now. I
guess he took my advice and forbid Big Steph to ride
missionary position on their HHHoneymoon. With that said,
this one
NEVER really got off the ground as suspected; and Kane was
definitely wearing his one size fits all bowling shoes
tonight. It wasn't bad when Triple H was involved, but when
left entirely to Kane and Goldberg, well, it wasn't
pretty. I mean, you know that expression about Ric Flair and
the broomstick? Well, Kane and Goldberg would be like that if
you took Flair out and stuck another broom
in...
Eventually, HHH and Kane
form a brief partnership and double-team the Champ. Hey, you'd
think that maybe Kane would hold some sort of animosity
towards Triple H, seeing how IT'S BECAUSE OF HIM THAT HE
HAD TO UNMASK THUS CAUSING HIS COMPLETE AND TOTAL MENTAL
BREAKDOWN. Plus, ya, he once made charges that he fucked a
dead body. But hey, bygones are bygones! Yup. Goldberg briefly
regains the advantage after Triple H hit Kane with a chair,
but soon after, Kane recovers and choke slams Goldberg on
the Spanish announce table, and HHH drops his angry armpit
onto him to finally break it. Man, if I was Hugo & Carlos,
I'd maybe fashion myself a Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler
costume. That way people might get confused as to which
table to obliterate, and you might get lucky and catch a
break.
Anyway, with Goldberg
out cold on the floor, Kane & Triple H suddenly remember
they hate each other again and brawl, with Kane eventually
choke-slamming Trips on the ramp. Eventually, Goldberg
recovers, and spears Kane and covers for two. Yes, he survives
a FLAMING DUMPSTER, but a flying hug has his number. I think
not. Goldberg then spears HHH. Then ANOTHER for
Kane. Holy shit, this match is like the instructions on a
fucking shampoo bottle . "Chokeslam. Spear. Repeat."
Kane recovers again, and goozles Goldberg; however, Goldberg
shoots the hand back and we have a goozle off! Whatever the
fuck that is. The two then just sorta stand there, bald, and
looking like a Hair Club for Men ad gone awry, when Evolution
runs in, and HHH low-blows Goldberg, allowing Kane to finally
fire off the chokeslam. However, before Kane can cover,
Evolution drags him out of the ring onto the floor and HHH
steals the pin on Goldberg! No! Cue Captain James T. Kirk!
KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!
Winner and NEW champion:
Triple H. Well, one would have assumed
that since Triple H is leaving to film Blade 3 and
all, that he'd maybe not GET THE FUCKING WORLD
TITLE, since you know, you kind have got be
around to be the complete and total focal point of a show. But
hey, apparently "one" is an idiot. Who
knew. What a lovely late wedding present this was! Memo
to Wesley Snipes; the guy you see with the huge yellow hubcap
holding up his pants tomorrow is your new co-star! Break
a leg! (tear a quad?)
/5
End
show.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
Well, what a depressing mess of a pay-per-view that was.
Normally, I'd be somewhat more tolerant of the Main Event
result had it actually been a good match, but dear lord, that
was bad. In fact, I think they should implement it as a form
of capital punishment. And if the viewer doesn't immediately
die, well, you can count on them trying to take their own
lives. So you win either way. All kidding aside, this was
a total one match show (RVD vs. Orton), and even that was,
depending on your tastes in wrestling, just above average. So,
all things considered, I have to give this one an inverted
Mick Foley. Thumbs down.
/5