Dean says of his heavily pregnant wife, who is due to give birth in March: "She looks so sexy naked."

You know what look Tori Spelling would look the absolute sexiest in? A fucking Burka. Just saying. But for the record, I do agree that she'd HAVE to look sexier naked. At least, that way, you're distracted from her face... which for the record, bears an incredibly frightening likeness to that of her late (but let's face it, he's never coming) father Aaron Spelling. In fact, up until his death, I was personally convinced that the two were one in the same person. Either that, or a direct clone. I mean, with that sweet sweet Melrose Place money at his disposal, it is possible. And hell, if he could convince us all that 35 year old dudes with receding hairlines were fucking freshmen in high school, what's a little thing like advanced genetic replication? Exactly. But just in case you're saying "Sean, what are you smoking?" (to which I'd answer, Nothing... on advice from my Attorney) here's an example of my theory:

  =

Dear God. With all the money she's had on plastic surgery, (and I'll admit, the cans are decent. But hey, in her case, that'd be like getting new seat covers and a gold hood ornament for a 1970's AMC Gremlin) and since she's having work done EVERYWHERE else anyway, why not hit up the grill, too? That's the equivalent of having Elephantitis, going on Extreme Makeover, and just getting a fucking haircut. Go for the gold, sister. And hey, I know it's mean, but she kind of has it coming. Every interview or article I've ever read about her, this girl has come across completely arrogant and full of herself. Hell, for years on 90210 (Which I watched. 'street cred', nice knowing you...) she was presented as a "sex symbol", despite the fact that her features bore an uncanny similarity to that of an Amphibian. And if she is indeed truly froglike, it at least makes sense why the Spelling clan is based out of California. In the case the state ever breaks off into the ocean after the 'big one', Tori can easily swim for many miles under water without coming up for air. Them's the perks when your genetic make-up is comparable to that of a creature indigenous to water. Clearly.

But hey, to each their own. Congratulations are in order for her getting pregnant. And congratulations are in order to whatever alcohol company that provided Dean with the liquid inspiration to have sex with her in the first place. But hey, don't take it from me; here's the word about her pregnancy from Tori herself, quoted from an article in People Magazine seconds before she quickly devoured a fly with her elongated tongue as it buzzed past:

"Every night I walk past the mirror and just stare at my belly. I'm so impressed by it. You always wonder what you'll look like when you're pregnant and it looks good. I like being pregnant."

That's sweet. Although, I think the real reason she 'always wondered what she'd look like pregnant' is because in most cases, her species just lay eggs, and full term human birth is an anomaly to her. Ah, I kid. I'm just feeling mean today, and Tori happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. If she ever read this, I'd feel terrible. Then I'd laugh to myself about sarcastically following that up with "Hey, Tori, why the long face?..."

I'm Sean.