Slow
news day, but I picked this up on MSN
Entertainment as I signed on today:
"Tori Spelling's husband Dean
McDermott finds her sexier now she's pregnant.
Dean
says of his heavily pregnant wife, who is due to
give birth in March: "She looks so sexy
naked."
You know what look Tori Spelling would look the absolute sexiest
in? A fucking Burka. Just saying. But for the
record, I do agree that she'd HAVE to
look sexier naked. At least, that way, you're
distracted from her face... which for the record,
bears an incredibly frightening likeness to
that of her late (but let's face it, he's never
coming) father Aaron Spelling. In fact, up until his death, I was
personally convinced that the two were one in the
same person. Either that, or a direct
clone. I mean, with that sweet sweet Melrose
Place money at his disposal, it is
possible. And hell, if he could
convince us all that 35 year old dudes
with receding hairlines were
fucking freshmen in high school, what's a
little thing like advanced genetic
replication? Exactly. But just in case you're
saying "Sean, what are you smoking?" (to
which I'd answer, Nothing... on advice from
my Attorney) here's an example of my
theory:
=
Dear
God. With all the money she's had on plastic
surgery, (and I'll admit, the cans are decent. But
hey, in her case, that'd be like getting new seat
covers and a gold hood ornament for a 1970's
AMC Gremlin) and since she's having work
done EVERYWHERE else anyway, why not hit up the
grill, too? That's the equivalent of having
Elephantitis, going on Extreme Makeover, and just
getting a fucking haircut. Go for the gold,
sister. And hey, I know it's mean, but
she kind of has it coming. Every interview or
article I've ever read about her, this girl has
come across completely arrogant and full of
herself. Hell, for years on 90210 (Which I
watched. 'street cred', nice knowing you...) she
was presented as a "sex symbol", despite the
fact that her features bore an uncanny similarity
to that of an Amphibian. And if she is indeed
truly froglike, it at least makes
sense why the Spelling clan is based out of
California. In the case the state ever breaks off
into the ocean after the 'big one', Tori can
easily swim for many miles under water without
coming up for air. Them's the perks when your
genetic make-up is comparable to that of a
creature indigenous to water. Clearly.
But hey, to each their own.
Congratulations are in order for her
getting pregnant. And congratulations are in
order to whatever alcohol company
that provided Dean with the liquid
inspiration to have sex with her in the first
place. But hey, don't take it from me; here's
the word about her pregnancy from Tori
herself, quoted from an article in People
Magazine seconds before she quickly devoured
a fly with her elongated tongue as it buzzed
past:
"Every night I walk past the
mirror and just stare at my belly. I'm so
impressed by it. You always wonder what you'll
look like when you're pregnant and it looks good.
I like being pregnant."
That's sweet. Although, I think the
real reason she 'always wondered what she'd
look like pregnant' is because in most cases,
her species just lay eggs, and full term
human birth is an anomaly to her. Ah, I kid.
I'm just feeling mean today, and Tori happened to
be in the wrong place at the wrong time. If
she ever read this, I'd feel terrible. Then I'd
laugh to myself
about sarcastically following
that up with "Hey, Tori, why the
long face?..."
I'm
Sean.
