The Following PPV contains no scenes of Joey Styles. Our dreams of a confused call of “Oh my Him!” will sadly never be heard during the McMahons vs. HBK/GOD match. What a shame.

Hey Ya’all, I’m Sean and this is Backlash, *LIVE* from Lexington Kentucky. And what I pray tell has Kentucky ever had a “backlash” against to earn this title? You know, besides soap and shampoo? Ah, I kid you… Kentuckians? That’s right. I love your Fried Chicken. That Colonel was good people as far as I’m concerned. So, if I offended anyone I’m very sorry. I’ll make it up to you by taking your sister/mom/cousin out for a night on the town. And the best part is they’re all the same person so I’ll only have to buy one meal….

Onto the show~!

Carlito Vs.  2/3rds of Chris Masters;

Hey, with God apparently in attendance, I’m surprised Carlito has the nerve to eat an apple. That shit is what got us all in trouble in the first place, remember?

Anyway, one would think that this match would be terrible given the dynamics, but one would apparently be an idiot. This is the best either man has looked in my ever so humble opinion. And it’s funny, but the more the Wellness Program causes The Masterpiece to shrink at the same rate as the dude from Thinner, the better he actually gets. At this rate, by the time he hits 150 pounds he should be the best ever....

Anyway, both men feel each other out early, and eventually Carlito applies a Masterlock to Masters, but Chris easily breaks it. So much for the vaunted Carlitolock.

Eventually, Masters gains control and wears down Carlito before wowing the crowd with a pretty stiff powerbomb in the corner. It’s all Masters from here countering a Carlito comeback with an elbow. Neckbreaker follows and he makes the gesture for the Masterlock. It’s at this point my mind briefly wanders, and I suddenly wonder if applying the Masterlock on Carlito from Masters point of view would be a lot like going down on a woman in a 1970’s porn movie.  Anyway, my inane stupidity aside, Carlito quickly counters the attempt with a cradle for two, then distracts Masters by tossing an apple into the air. Sadly, tossing produce into the air has yet to win me any fights. Go figure. Anyway, Carlito takes down Masters with a series of clotheslines before going up top and hitting a standing moonsault! The hair adds velocity and acts as somewhat of an air safety bag. Awesome.  This unfortunately only gets two however, and once both men are on their feet, Masters goes for another Masterlock attempt, but Carlito quickly wriggles out and counters with his back/neckbreaker combo that I understand is known as the lung blower in certain circles. Except mine. Sounds like a sexual aid you’d buy in the back ads in Swank. Not that I know anything about that. I always buy my disgusting toys through more reputable magazines like Hustler. Anyway, Carlito immediately covers and puts both feet on the ropes for leverage and picks up the win.

Winner: Carlito.  

/5

-We’re in the back, and Maria is there. She says the fans weren’t very happy about “Masters win over Carlito”. Sometimes I think this retard gimmick is legit. Maybe instead of replacing every beverage in their house with Pepsi, CM Punk should actually sit her down and explain this crazy ‘rasslin’ business to her. Anyway, they show footage of who the fans of Kentucky think will win the WWE Title match. One kid says Cena will win because “we can’t see him”. If only that was true, little man. If only.

-Back live now and Lita shows up, and she and Maria banter, trading sexual innuendoes. Lita claims she doesn’t care if the fans think she’s a Ho, because unlike them, at least she’s “getting some”. And unlike them, she can identify by sight both the genitals and true face of dozens of varying Luchadors above and below the border. Ok, I just added that part. Sue me.

Umaga w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada Vs. Ric Flair; Battle of a guy who started wrestling in the 70’s and another who’s gimmick was last seen there.

Armando Alejandro Estrada introduces us to Umaga and the crowd goes mild. From there Flair is down and we’re underway! …Ok, we’re done. Umaga kicks his ass for 3 minutes straight bar some low blows and one figure four attempt. Umaga hit his flying ass in the corner, then finished with his Asiatic spike to the the throat. God bless this Island savage with inexplicable chiropractic knowledge! Who knew there were medical schools in the uncharted jungle?

Winner “Samoa Joke”. I give this one two big taped Asiatic thumbs down for the decision alone. Or maybe I just wanted to use that liner. Whichever.

/5

-Backstage, we see Vince McMahon and Shane. He claims that he can do anything God can. First walking on water (after pouring it on the floor) and then turning bread and fish into many loaves and many fish. Ok, this is terrible. Hey, if Vince really wants to prove his divinity, maybe someone should kill him and we can see if he rises from the dead by SmackDown. At least we’d buy a few days from these skits…

-We get a package on Trish and Mickie’s rivalry. We then see Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler pontificate on what we might see here. My suggestion of a children’s pool filled with honey and dildos obviously fell on deaf ears.

(C) Mickie James Vs. Trishy Jamus : Woman’s Title on the line… And my pants on the floor. Crumpled into a ball.

You know, that Mickie is a girl I could really get behind. Multiple times. From different angles and varying speeds. I just love her.

Anyway, for those wondering, both ladies are back to their regular personas. And for those also wondering, this match was EXCELLENT, at least from the short amount we saw. Anyway, Mickie and Trish lock up, and Trish outwrestles Mickie to start. Mickie then charges Trish, but Trish gets the Matrix move, then handstands over into a fantastic twirling head-scissors that sends Mickie for a loop. It’s all Trish here, and after missing a wild chick kick, Trish just straight up kicks Mickie in the face with a kick stiffer than all the guys watching these two wrestle. From there, Trish mounts Mickie in the corner and begins to punch her, but Trish is awkwardly dropped to the floor, and as we eventually find out later, legitimately blows her shoulder out. Trish is genuinely fucked up at this point, and referee [pudgy little blond guy] keeps throwing up the dreaded “X” sign, as Mickie postures and gingerly stomps her back inside. They then just improvise a finish where Mickie is quickly disqualified for choking Trish with a ribbon for more than 5 seconds.

Winner by DQ: Trish Stratus. It’s really a shame, because it seems like every time we get a really a good women’s feud in the WWE, one of the participants goes and gets crippled. And besides Victoria, Lord knows who Mickie can wrestle from here. Losing Trish is like transferring an Albert Einstein out of a class full of retards. The curve just plummeted below sea level.

/5 (for what we saw)

-Maria is now backstage with HBK. Maria asks if God is in the building. It’s at this point I get a visual of God coming into the Rupp Center pulling one of those rolling carryalls. HBK says that he doesn’t want to ram his Christianity down anyone’s throats, but God is ALWAYS with him. Except when he bought those pants. God wanted nothing to do with that. He says that he’ll handle them both, and then ended on the note of “I’ve got two words for you…” Somehow, I think Jesus left that part out of his sermon on the mount of olives.

RVD w/ Money in the giant children’s lunchbox Vs.  (C) Shelton Benjamin w/o a Mama to be seen (Hey, isn’t the stereotype the other way around?) : Intercontinental Title vs. guaranteed WWE Title shot ;

I don’t think it’s too hard to picture what really might be in that briefcase. And hell, if there ever was actually “money in the bank” in there, there’s a pretty good chance Rob used them to roll joints when he ran out of zig zags.

GREAT match here, as both men have fantastic chemistry together. Which is kinda ironic because who knows more about chemicals than RVD? Ok, I’ll stop (for a few minutes anyway).

Anyway, this one starts off slow, and Shelton dominates early, somewhat outwrestling “Mr. Money in the Bank”. The two do some more wrestling and counter-wrestling and the crowd even ever-so-temporarily chants ECW. RVD eventually gains the upper hand with some forearms and a body slam, and goes for the Rolling Thunder, but Shelton rolls out quickly as Rob goes into his first forward roll. From there, RVD simply leaps onto Shelton with a Plancha? (everything’s a plancha to me) onto Shelton on the floor. Back inside, Shelton stuns RVD who’s standing on the apron, and Shelton follows that up by sunset-flipping over Rob and landing in a powerbomb position, which is exactly what happens, as Rob gets squashed on the floor. Back inside, Shelton works on Rob’s back, and even applies the camel clutch, as JR drops the Iron Sheik’s name. Thankfully though, Shelton refrains from fucking his ass old country style in honor of Sheiky, and instead just uses Iron Sheik’s apparent pre-buggery foreplay: attempting to breaks Rob’s back. RVD eventually battles out, and seemingly gets Shelton into position for a 2^nd attempted rolling thunder, but Rob goes to the well raw cookie dough once too often, and his caught by Shelton who springs up and delivers a Samoan drop. Shades of …umm, People from Samoa! From there, Shelton sits RVD up top, but RVD attempts to hammer him off, but Shelton, undaunted, does an incredible leap to the top, and quickly superplexes Rob for two. I’d ask if Shelton was recently bitten by a radioactive spider, but sadly that only gives you cancer in the real world….

Shelton tries to wear down Rob from there, but RVD eventually rallies, finally getting his Rolling Thunder (rolling papers?) and a big spinkick after Shelton stupidly grabbed his leg. RVD then goes up top for a frog splash, but Shelton rolls clear and RVD hits hard. Shelton then follows that up with a huge DDT that plants RVD. That however only gets two. From there, Shelton goes up top with a huge bodypress which RVD rolls through, but only for two. Soon after, in the ensuing chaos, the Ref gets bumped, and this allows Shelton to grab the MITB briefcase, but after Rob ducks a wild Shelton swing, Rob connects with the Van-Daminator which knocks the briefcase into Shelton’s face, allowing Rob to go upstairs and finish with the Five-Star Frogsplash to win the Intercontinental Title!

Winner & NEW Intercontinental Champion and still Mr. Money in the Bank: Rob Van Dam. Shelton will probably get his belt back soon, but let’s face it, he was probably better off without that briefcase anyway. It’d probably be a real pain to get all those Cheetos crumbs and resin stains out of that Halliburton. He should consider himself lucky.

/5

-We get a package detailing the stupidity that is the Kane/ Big Show feud. May 19^th is mentioned a bunch of times. Hey, why would the producers release this movie on May 19^th if they knew the date bothered Kane this much?!! [/sarcasm]

-We are now backstage with Big Show, who was nearly blinded by Kane. Poor bastard. The writers seem to take great pleasure in having ridiculously comical bodily harm inflicted upon him. First his giant fist, and now his fucking eye. By this rate, Big Show will likely be a full on cyborg by year’s end. Wellllllllllllllll, it’s the Borg Show!

-Anyway, Tard Grisham interviews Big Show backstage, and Show just can’t understand why Kane is so upset. After all, he made Waterboy, and he never tried to kill anybody (maybe he should have). He then says, he’s tried to be a good friend to Kane, but that Kane stepped over the line. Over the line? Call me crazy, but I just don’t see myself hanging out with a buddy anymore the moment he throws me in the air by my neck…

Big Show w/o eye Vs. Kane w/o eye.

From the frying pan (like hands) and into the fire,  it’s Kane Vs. Big Show, and DEAR LORD. If Kane’s movie can deliver the level of pure horror and unadulterated dread this match did, we can consider it…shit? I don’t know.

Anyway, a virtual of cornucopia of hossy goodness follows including bear hugs, and rest holds O’Plenty, before Show eventually just says ‘fuck it’ and tries to rip Kane’s eye out. Finally some realistic offense from guys who’re supposed to hate each other instead of clichéd wrestling. It’s like Bobby Heenan once said “If you really hate a guy, you don’t give him an airplane spin”….

Anyway, Kane counters by booting Show to the floor and it’s at this point, that the lights go red, and we hear Kane’s tormenting voices. YES. US. WE HEAR THEM. It’s funny how Kane’s inner most thoughts are so slickly produced and musically scored. I wish I got choreographed music with my psychotic premonitions. Oh well.

Anyhoo, Kane goes berserk, and Show decides the best way to way to help rid his “friend” of these pesky hallucinations is to bludgeon him in the head with a chair. Not the most common medical treatment for schitzophrenia, but hey, whatever works.

Winner: Not a soul (seriously.) No-Contest. In a side note, part of me would laugh my ass off if for some reason Kane’s movie was moved back a week, just to hear Vince yell “What the fuck are we supposed to do now!”

/5

-You’re theme song for Backlash is by Danko Jones! Man, your mother has nine months, and she comes up with “Danko?”

-Backstage we get another segment with Vince McMahon as “God”. Candice Michele comes in and claims she has a “chest cold” (which might be lethal in her case) and asks that Vince lay “hands” on her, obviously forsaking my patented “lay penis on her” technique that I’ve somewhat mastered. From there, she goes into somewhat orgasmic convulsions and claims that she’s “healed”. Shane then interrupts and tells Vince their match is next. Still, I find solace in the fact that as bad as McMahonism is, it’s still more plausible than Scientology….

-McMahons/ God/HBK package airs. For the sake of argument, just what would God use as a finisher, anyway? The Last Supperplex? The Spear of Destiny? The Infinity Star Frogsplash (delivered from the heavens)?

Vince & Shane McMahon Vs. Shawn Michaels & GOD

Anyway, Vince & Shane come out first, and Vince introduces HBK’s tag team partner: GOD. And holy shit, God has a Titan Tron! We see a spotlight that slowly approaches the ring, and Vince cuts a promo on it, before demanding God make a true “WWE entrance”. We then hear funky, quasi-porno style music, and Vince dances as God “walks” the ringside area via spotlight. Vince then tells God to “bring it” because tonight, it’s No Holds Barred! (Can a Heaven and Hell in the Cell be far behind? God, I hope so.).

The sacrilege ends as HBK emerges next, and the match is on. Very similar to what we saw at Wrestlemania, only with HBK fighting off both men at once.

HBK takes it to both McMahons early, delivering a plancha to Vince then one to Shane, before all three eventually brawl up the ramp. HBK hip tosses Shane into the Backlash swinging doo-dad, and then runs at Vince taking himself and Vince off the stage and through a gimmicked crash pad with a big cross body block. However, once Shawn crawls out of the hole, there’s Shane with a huge chairshot that busts HBK wide open. I guess God is OK with blade jobs. After all, he did technically teach Abraham how to do one, remember? Hahaha.

Anyway, Shane continues to punish HBK, and back inside, he and Vince, who has now recovered as well, set up HBK for Shane’s huge top rope elbow, but HBK rolls clear. The two (Shane & Shawn) trade chops, but Shane regains the advantage with a big float-over DDT. Tag into Vince now, who takes his belt off, and whips Michaels. Vince then grabs the microphone, and insinuates the God is walking out on HBK.  Vince then turns his attention back to HBK, and tunes up the band, presumably on a 1940’s style radio, but HBK catches the kick. Shawn then ducks an errant Shane chair-shot, which hits Vince. HBK then takes down Shane with the HBK offense o’doom, including the big elbow. He then nails superkicks on both McMahons. HBK goes for the Tables, and he should know better! After all, this is the Sabbath, and we all know what Jesus did with those money lenders tables! Ok, I have nothing. Anyway, as the crowd cheers him on, Shane sets up two tables side by side, then retrieves the giant ladder, which God must’e scaled to save some time to get home, but here’s the Spirit Squad! However, HBK sees them coming and just sort of flops from the 20 foot ladder and crushes them all on the floor. Incredibly dangerous spot, but thankfully one that turned out safe. Anyway, HBK is also injured from his tumble, and the Squad is up first, and despite Shawn’s best efforts, he’s overwhelmed. The Spirit Squad then roll the McMahons off the tables, and deliver their allyoop move to him, through the table. Vince then rolls over and gets the winning pin. WOW. God does the job in his first PPV….

Winner: The Father, The Son, and the Holy Spirit Squad.  So, God no-shows a pay-per-view? I think we all know what we’ll see come tomorrow….

…You know, before ultimately winding up in TNA where he can exist omnipotently and perform miracles under an entirely new and terrible ring name, just because Vince owns his likeness. (Jehovah James, maybe? Hey, Billy & Road Dogg will need a new member eventually J).

/5

-We see Tard Grisham backstage. And he’s standing by with John Cena. John’s wearing his “Hustle. Loyalty. Respect” shirt tonight which kinda  makes me laugh. I’ve seen a lot of John Cena’s female fans; I don’t know if they’re even physically capable of “hustling” (well, unless there’s only one piece of chicken left in the bucket and someone else is reaching for it…). Anyway, Cena is introduced as the most controversial WWE Champion ever, and he says as much, stating how divided everyone is. He says tonight one voice will ring out the loudest after the bell rings: Lillian Garcia, as she announces him as still being WWE Champion. However, if you really listen really carefully, you’ll hear the sound of me pitching my monitor out my apartment window.

-Matt Striker comes out, to some really generic rock music which doesn’t exactly suit the argyle sweater-vest he’s sporting.

Anyway, he makes some jokes at Kentucky’s expense, before introducing Eugene as a Kentucky native. Funny, my teachers used to always get mad when I showed up to class without any pants, so what’s Eugene’s excuse? Anyway, Striker demands Eugene write his name on the chalk board, but when Striker checks on Eugene’s progress, he finds that Eugene has written “likes poop” under where Matt had signed his name. Somewhere I insist that Randy Orton is watching and yelled out “Jesus, I’ve been gone two weeks and already they’re stealing my shit gimmick!" Anyhoo, to make a (really) long story short, Eugene picks his nose, then looks to eat it, but settles on stuffing the greener in Matt Striker’s mouth instead. Eugene then stuns Matt Striker to end the segment.

Triple H w/ impending bun in the gigantic oven Vs. Edge w/ fiery Lita and even more fiery burning down below Vs. (C) John Cena w/ hustling, loyalty and respecting: WWE TITLE MATCH, yo.

I think Vince’s greatest godly miracle was basically giving us this match for free for the last 3 weeks or so, then still getting us to pay $35 dollars for it again. OH~, I also find particular humor in the fact that Edge can apparently have no problem consistently outsmarting both HHH and John Cena, but couldn't keep himself fucking Lita a secret for more than two seconds last year....

Anyway, the match starts with Edge standing on the apron, goading both Trips and Cena into starting, which they do. Both Cena and HHH trade shots, and the crowd is seemingly 50% split for once, as Cena actually has a very vocal outpouring of support here tonight. Anyway, Cena hits a shoulder block then a fisherman’s suplex, and you know, I’ve been to the wharfs, and I’ve never seen a fisherman suplex anybody. Anyway, both Cena and HHH catch Edge laughing at their gullibility, so they attack him and pulverize him.

From there, each man does the “lay dead on the floor” routine that unfortunately makes these types of matches clichéd a lot of times. Cena pulls Triple H out to the floor, and goes to work on Edge, hitting a big “Pretty (Super) Fly for a White Guy” splash on Edge for two. Cena then hits the protobomb on Edge and looks for the five-knuckle, but Lita pulls the ropes down and he spills out and over. Once on the floor, HHH rams Cena into the steps, and slips back inside to give Edge a big knee crusher and eventually a spinebuster for two. Edge and Triple H trade sleeper holds, but Cena comes in and actually picks up both men at once for a potential FU in an awesome feat of strength that can only come from tipping over farmers cows in the “Hood” he grew up in. However, before Cena can hit the move, Edge slips off and hits his big flying hug (the spear) on Cena as Cena still had HHH in the FU position. Edge and HHH then trade shots, and spill to the floor, where Triple H gets posted and blades HARDCORE. Edge then brings HHH over to the Spanish announce table, and hits the Edgecution DDT but the table does not break! Hugo likely sums it up to one last miracle by God before he went back to the hotel for the night.

With Triple H seemingly incapacitated, Edge and Cena get into it inside, and after surviving an Edge top rope dropkick, Cena counters an attempted DDT into the STFU. Edge fights it, but however, just as it looks as if he’ll finally tap out, HHH reaches in from the floor and grabs edge’s hand, preventing him from tapping out, then hits Cena in the head with a live mic. Triple H then grabs a chair and destroys Edge with it. However, he walks into a Cena STFU, and ultimately fights out and gets the ropes, after teasing a pass out. Cena then postures, ready for the FU, but HHH counters that into a pedigree attempt, but Cena cleverly counters that into yet another STFU. Edge ultimately breaks it up. From there, the ref gets bumped (~SURPRISE!), and Edge and Cena posture in the corner over an apparent superplex, but Triple sneaks in and under and gets that TNA-style powerbomb/superplex spot. Edge rolls out to the floor, and it’s seemingly all Triple H here. He catches Lita sneaking in from behind with a chair, and spinebusters her for her trouble. Triple H then looks like he’ll use the chair, but drops it in favor of retrieving the sledgehammer. However, before he can use it, Edge spears him. Edge then grabs the hammer, but much like Lion-O’s sword on Thundercats, apparently Trips only possesses the ability to utilize its power, because Cena ducks the impending blow, and scoops up Edge for the FU… HOWEVER, HHH is there with a low blow, which causes Cena to collapse and Edge to spill out of the ring. HHH then sets up another pedigree attempt, but Cena snatches the legs and rolls through with a quick jack knife cradle to get the pin and retain the title.

Winner and STILL champion: John Cena and his apparent testicles of solid iron ore, no selling a low blow that would have a normal man spinning on the ground Curly from the Three Stooges-style.

/5

Final Thoughts : Very good pay-per-view, in my opinion. Carlito/Masters was way above expectations, RVD/Shelton built very well, Trish and Mickie were well on their way to having one of the better women’s matches I’ve ever seen, and the main event was excellent. The only black marks are the apparent continuation of this HBK/Vince feud, and of course the entire Kane/Show fiasco. Hopefully, when Cena’s “Marine” comes out, he isn’t suddenly “shell-shocked” with memories from a war he was never a part of….

Thumbs up, by the way.