WWE BAD BLOOD
2003
(06/15/03)
By Sean
Carless
Welcome to
Bad Blood, the first WWE event of the
summer season, and the only PPV name that really hurts
Magic Johnson's feelings. Go figure.
We are LIVE
from Houston Texas~!... which means some sort of grave
injustice will befall Booker T. Hey, don't look at me, I
don't make the rules.
This is of
course the first ever brand extension Pay-per-view for RAW, so
get ready! Originally, they thought about just showing up to
our houses, black-jacking us, then rifling through our wallets
and cleaning us out, but ultimately, they settled on just
adding more PPV's. Lucky us.
Onto
the show~!
The Dudley Boyz vs. Rodney Mack &
Christopher Nowinski w/ Teddy Long w/ head disproportionate to
his body. Blee dat.
Hey, when
your sole gimmick is that you hate white people and make it
your mission to systematically destroy them, is pairing
up with an affluent white Harvard graduate really the
most likely pairing? Hey, just saying. Anyway, the story here
is that D-Von is questioning his loyalty to his brother Bubba,
after being approached earlier by Long who brought up that
Bubba always tells him to fetch the tables instead of
doing it himself. Wait. Bubba, racist? Bah. How can a
dude who proudly wore a confederate flag for years in
ECW possibly harbor any sort of racism towards African
Americans? Oh.
Anyway, Dudleys control most of this match, but
I'm more distracted by Nowinski's face mask that protects his broken nose. I then pontificate
if this is really worn by him to block the stink of
the recent booking of this company. I then look for a
celebratory high five that never comes because I'm all
alone. So very very alone.
Finish comes
when D-Von looks to "Get the Tables" but is distracted by
Long. Back in the ring, the whitest black man in the
world without the last name Gumble, Rodney Mack, looks
for the "Blackout" (Beige-out?) on Bubba, but he counters
out, and this gives Nowinski the chance to take off his
mask and clobber Bubba with it to pick up the win. Oh noes!
(nose?).
Winners:
Ebony & Ivory. Living together in
harmony.
/5
-Video
package for the Redneck Triathlon, which sadly was left off
the last Olympic games. Imagine that. Anyway, the
Triathlon will of course feature Co-GMs Steve Austin &
Eric Bischoff and consist of three games of redneck
design. No question on whether dragging bound and
gagged minorities from the back of your pickup
truck made the cut. I guess we'll find
out.
Redneck
Triathlon: Burping Contest.
Ah, yes.
Classic wrestling at its finest. This takes me back to the
famed George Hackenschmidt vs. Frank Gotch burping Contests of
the early twentieth century. The matches would consist of
burping for upwards of six hours at a time until curfew
expired. Time limits, and actual fucking matches were invented
soon after. Anyway, my ridiculousness aside, Austin does some
jumping jacks to prepare for this grueling contest of timing
and athleticism. He ends up besting Bischoff who advises he go
see a doctor, and stop beating his wife. OK, maybe just the
first part.
Test vs.
Scott Steiner: Winner gets Stacy Keibler.
Dear God, if
I knew all you had to do to own Stacy Keibler was best
one of these two clowns, I would have ran over these
fucking guys with my car months ago. And if not for
Stacy, then just for being so incredibly
terrible.
The match
starts off hilariously, as Test and Stacy argue on the floor,
and Scott takes it upon himself to try and leap from the apron
with an axehandle, but he practically face-plants. Haha. He
should know by now that this is impossible. You see, the
gravitational pull of suck that surrounds Big Poppa Pump makes
it impossible for him to even remotely leave the ground. What
can you do? You can't fight science.
Anyway,
after an absolutely brutal match,Test hits the Aboot, but that
only gets two. Test then wonders indeed what's that all Aboot
and questions the official accordingly. This gives Steiner a
chance to quickly finish Test with a flatliner (Workrate is
the casualty) to pick up the win, and
Stacy.
Winner:
Scott Steiner. Stacy is ecstatic as she jumps into Scott's
arms. And luckily for Steiner, Stacy already knows
what shrunken testicles look like thanks to her previous beau
here, so she won't be too shocked when the situation arises.
Score one for Scotty!
/5
After the
match, Steiner insists on making Stacy bend over in the ropes
several times showing off her award winning "buns". He then
takes her backstage to presumably make a sandwich out of
them...
-Backstage,
Bischoff concedes defeat in the last event to Austin. They
decide the next contest will be a "pie-eating contest".
Bischoff then brings in four women. They then compromise that
Austin will fuck them while Bischoff jerks off in the corner,
but only if Steve gets to kick them really hard first.
OK, none of that happened. Austin just said he'll be the one
selecting Bischoff's "pie" here tonight. Oh dear lord, no. I
think you know where this is going...
Booker T.
vs. (C) Christian for Intercontinental
Title.
Hey! New
music for Xian here. Christian no longer has the opera song.
Man, the fat lady really has sung. (Not Steph.). Booker
T. of course comes out to a massive hometown pop, but unless
your last name is Michaels, you don't get to win in your
hometown, silly, so it's all for naught.
Anyway, not
a bad match here, but nothing overly spectacular either.
Crowd is rabidly behind Book though, and he dominates
Christian, eventually hitting a modified scissors kick and a
big missile dropkick, and looks to finish, but Christian grabs
his belt and looks to take a walk and get purposely counted
out. The referee then halts this by saying that if he
doesn't return and fight, he'll not only lose the match but
the title as well. Christian then just comes in clocks Booker
T. with the belt drawing a... disqualification? Referee:
"D'oh! I never thought about that one! You got me!
You really got me! BURN!" Dear God. If logic was ever in
a coma in this company, this match's booking would just
fucking cowboy-kick the life support plug out
of the wall.
Winner by
way of disqualification: Booker T. Poor Booker. This
year hasn't exactly been kind to the Book. Who knew when he
says "Can you dig it, sucka", he really meant the hole they
have him buried in.
/5
-Jerry
Lawler comes to the ring and says the Pie-eating contest will
be in fact be in the ring. He then
disappointedly sits down when finds out none of the women
we saw backstage are under 18. OK, maybe
not.
Redneck Triathlon: "Pie" eating
contest.
Austin comes
out and cuts a longwinded promo before introducing Mae Young
as the "pie" in question. SURPRISE~! Bischoff is of
course sickened by the flavor of pie Austin's chosen
(cobweb?) and is about to forfeit when Austin convinces
him to continue by calling him a "quitter".
Yeah. That'd convince me to stay. When the
alternative is fellating the elderly, I can think of a
lot worse things to be called than a
fucking quitter.
Anyway, this of course triggers Bischoff's manhood (no,
not that manhood. Pervert.) and he KISSES Mae Young?! Man, you're quite the
cunning linguist there, Eric. But hey, don't be too hard on
the guy's ignorance. After all, his only experience
with eating pussy is sitting back with a camcorder
while a stripper goes down on his old lady. Austin of course
is disgusted by this whole scene and knocks Bischoff into the
corner, allowing Mae to disrobe and deliver a bronco buster
(If it wasn't busted before, it sure as fuck is now). Austin
then stuns Mae Young for no reason other than the fact that
technically she is a woman. From there, Austin forfeits this
round to Eric so he can continue on. Just
because.
-Backstage,
La Résistance are cutting a promo in FRENCH. Oh no! THEY'RE
NOT SPEAKING OUR LANGUAGE. THEY'RE CLEARLY NOT LIKE US.
MUST.BOO.THEM.
La
Résistance vs. (C) "Roasted Potatoes" Rob Van Dam &
Kane for World Tag Team Titles.
They're
still teasing the slow heel turn of the unmotivated,
depressed Kane. Bah. Depressed? So, you've
been burned over 2/3rds of your body, couldn't speak
until you were in your 30's, watched your high school
sweetheart die at your hands, were blamed for her death and
post-mortem rape, and had your biological father betray
you in favor of your brother who murdered your parents and
caused said burns? Man. What in the world would you have to be
depressed about? Pussy.
Anyway, this
wasn't a very good match, but the crowd was into it, cheering
on RVD and Kane by chanting "USA" in their favor and in
support of their All-American hometowns Battle Creek and
umm, Parts Unknown, respectively. End comes when RVD
accidentally sentons onto Kane when La Rez
side-stepped, and the two finish Rob in the ring with a
version of the High Times (SWEET IRONY!) to win the
Titles.
Winners
& new champions: La Résistance. After the match, Emo Kane
looks on dejected, and heads back to figure out how he can cut
his wrists because thanks to the fire, they've calcified
over. Good luck, big man.
/5
Chris Jericho w/
Walls of Jericho vs. Goldberg w/ Wailing Wall back in the Holy
Land.
The build to
this match had to be one of the more comical in recent memory.
The story of course is Jericho "getting into Goldberg's head".
(is there enough room in there for Y2J and that
hamster on a wheel?). The way he did it? Pouring paint on his
car (THE HUMANITY~!) and then convincing Lance Storm to try
and mow Goldberg down with his car. Woah. A
Bald-headed dude with a goatee being ran over by a secret
assailant, and a cocky blond guy secretly being behind the
whole thing? YOU CANNOT BUY ORIGINALITY LIKE THIS. Because if
they could, damn it, they would have.
Anyway, surprisingly a good majority of the crowd is
solidly behind Y2J here. The big spot came when Goldberg attempted to spear
Jericho on the floor, but Y2J sidestepped and Whoopi
broke through the barricade. Jericho then worked his
shoulder, but Goldberg eventually came back, and after
surviving the Walls and getting the ropes, he hits a
Spear/Jackhammer combo for the win.
Winner:
Goldberg. After this carry job, Y2J's probably thinking
of changing his name to Y2Me?.
/5
-After the
match, Ol' Jewbacca chews out a Jericho fan on the floor.
Silly Goldberg. Dude, you're the babyface,
remember?
-We see a
pig-pen set up at ringside. I think I just saw the corpse of
Henry Godwinn in there.
Ric Flair
vs. Shawn Michaels.
Ah, yes,
finally, the battle between two men whose nicknames convey
youth, despite the two men having a combined age of over 90
years. Anyway, HBK gets a MONSTER pop here, with bonus
points for wearing his 1997 Texas tights. Everything is bigger
in Texas! Which explains HBK's forehead these days. That's
right.
Anyway, it's
Ric Flair & Shawn Michaels, damn it, so of course it's
awesome. After countering then applying a figure four to
Flair, HBK hits a big superplex, then rolls out and gets
a table and rolls Ric onto it, and SPLASHES him through it
from the top rope!Fucking awesome shit. Back inside, Flair
regains the advantage after mulekicking both HBK and referee
Earl Hebner at the same time. Wait. Earl Hebner & Shawn
Michaels destroyed simultaneously? Something makes me
think Bret Hart has adopted voodoo as his personal
religion. Just a hunch. With that said, Hebner is
actually knocked out (~!) from this, but HBK recovers,
nipping up, no selling the shot (I was not aware that Testicle
strengthening exercise regimens existed...) and takes it
to Ric, hitting his usual finishing sequence including the big
elbow, and Sweet Chin Music. However, just then, third
Evolution member, and in honor of Darwin and his trunks,
I guess he's portraying "fully erect man", Randy Orton,
comes in and nails Michaels with a chair, and drags Flair
on top of him. Hebner then awakens from a ballshot so vile it
forced his into a state of unconsciousness and makes the 3
count.
Winner: Ric
Flair. My personal theory on Hebner being incapacitated by a
low blow is that Flair's mule kick has such vicious force
behind it, that Hebner's actual testicles dislodged
and shot through his body and struck his brain like a
pinball, concussing him and rendering him unconscious. I even
created a series of complicated graphs and charts to
explain this phenomenon, but I ran out of zigzags and had to
use them to roll joints. Oh well.
/5
Redneck
Triathlon: Final Event:
It was supposed to be a "singing contest"...a
definite redneck favorite (seriously, ask a good ole boy
if he'd like to sing with you sometime and see what happens to
you) but Bischoff gets
busted lip synching, so Austin then spins the wheel for
the 3rd deciding event and it lands on "Pig Pen"...NO WAY!
What are the odds. Man, they're so lucky they actually
spontaneously set up the pen about 20 minutes ago, or this
whole thing would have been clearly
awkward!
Anyway,
Austin then beats the shit out of Bischoff, despite that
decree that they weren't supposed to have any physical contact
with one another, then tosses Bischoff into the
muck to "win" the most grueling and mentally draining night of
action in his illustrious career.
Winner:
Stone Cold Steve Austin. Believe it or not, I'm just about the
biggest Austin mark there is, but man was this a waste
of Stone Cold. Anyway, hopefully, the next time
they do this contest they get some more
accurate redneck events on there. Of course, I don't know
how fucking an immediate relative would actually be
contested, so I guess these will have to do... for
now.
Kevin Nash
Vs. HHH: Heck in a Cell w/ Mick Foley as Referee: World
Heavyweight Title.
They didn't
quite achieve Hell, here, but it was a pretty good Cell match,
and they didn't even leave the cage. Probably because they'd
have to airlift Nash and his bird legs onto the top of the
structure, but whatever. Foley of course was you referee here,
after the storyline unfolded that NO ONE WANTED TO
REFEREE a NASH vs. HHH match, which normally would make
total sense if you think about it. But not tonight. Nash had
his working boots on; and here I thought he threw them out for
his uncoordinated, lazy, slow motion boots years ago. And
yes they actually exist. I just bought them all,
that's why you can't find them
anywhere....
Anyway, the
irony of this match was that poor Mick was the one who took
the brunt of the offense, getting manhandled and bumped left
and right. Both men ended up getting bloodied, and several
objects like steel stairs, sledgy, and a 2x4 covered in
barbed wire were used by each man on each
other. Ending sequence comes after Mick's had all he can
take of Triple H, and delivers a mandible claw with Mr. Socko.
But before he can fade, HHH gives a what's for
in Mick's Mr. Cocko. While all this is going
down, Nash tries to use the stairs on HHH, but
Mick accidentally ate them as well. Nash then launches Triple
H through the 2x4 which was propped in the corner(!) and
delivers a jack-knife, but there's no referee. Foley finally
crawls over but HHH kicks out. With all three men
hurting, Trips goes for sledgy, but Nash tries to stop him,
but the Game still gets a shot off with it. HHH then hits
the pedigree and unlike with Nash's jackknife earlier, gets
the pin because the pedigree is made of pure PLUTONIUM and can
destroy WORLDS~!
Winner
and still champion: Triple H. Surprisingly good match.
Looks like I'll be eating THIS for
dinner tonight. And to think I thought the only way Nash could
work a hardcore match would be if he had a pair of tights
made entirely out of car airbags. Shows what I
know....
/5
-Orton &
Flair come out and celebrate Triple H's win, as the cable
company celebrates "winning" my full 35 dollars,
regardless of the show ending at about 9:30.
Assholes!
Final Thoughts: Well, the last two
matches saved this show from being a complete fucking
disaster. Up until then, I was convinced this show would be a
great tool to use overseas during interrogations. A
few Rodney Mack's and Scott Steiner's in, and they'd be
spilling secrets not even invented yet. But hey, things have a
funny way of working out sometimes. So, based on my self
imposed two-match rule, I'll give this show a thumbs
up.
I'm
Sean.
