McMahon Down

Vince McMahon is expected to miss at least the next two months of TV as he recovers from his quad injuries. He could end up being out up to six months.

McMahon tore one of his quad muscles during the Royal Rumble and then tore his other quad trying to walk to the back on his own power. Vince has always tried to never show pain in front of his workers since he demands so much of them.

Word is that McMahon is very frustrated right now, not only because he can't attend TV tapings but also because he can't workout. McMahon has always been obsessed with his appearance and does not want to return to work looking thin and old. This could keep him from even showing up at WrestleMania, since he will only return after he has had time to work himself back up to his normal shape and size.

 

What’s the deal with all these quads in the WWE? You know, Vince, Nash, HHH… Droz..

Anyway, truth be told, when Vince slid into the ring at the Rumble and basically just sat on the mat, the first thing I thought was he must have shit his pants. Maybe he saw Armageddon's buyrates, I thought. Seriously though, he’s always walked to the ring like he was constipated, so maybe it was finally “go time” and he unloaded his bounty? Who knows? Anyway, as he barked out orders while basically sitting there like an old man, comfortable in his tepid bath, I laughed at the very real possibility that the industry’s most powerful and influential man had painted his drawers. Unfortunately, it turned out to be worse, of course. A quad injury is one of the most painful muscle tears you can get, unless you're slamming a 900 pound Andre, and ripping every muscle in your barn-door back en route to killing him 3 days later.  Part of me admires his toughness for not blubbering like a baby, or a 7 foot pussy in pleather pants who's wrestled once in 2 years and trips and explodes after two steps. Or something. However, walking back to the dressing room on your own power, basically supporting your full weight on one leg while your quadriceps literally hang off the other like strands of spaghetti is just about the stupidest thing I’ve heard in a long time. I mean, the only thing dumber would be starting a football league where you give dialogue and characters to fucking cheerleaders. Oh.

That said, there comes a time in your life when you have to admit that you’re getting old and that Randy Orton is just not over. Or maybe just the first part. No amount of ridiculous power walking in a powder blue tracksuit, or in Vince’s case, injecting “breakfast” through his toes will change the inevitable. You HAVE to admit that you’re breaking down and there’s nothing you can do about it. I mean, come on. Vince is actually starting to look like the Frankenstein monster, as his head looks like it was sutured to a much younger body. Somewhere out there in a closet, there's a portrait of Vince with a 20 year old head with a pudgy body, bitch tits, a baggy Bermuda shirt and orthopedic socks. And there in lies the problem. And this is a message to all the heroes I see out there over 55 with their refusal to give it up: NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU WORK OUT YOUR BODY, YOUR HEAD STILL LOOKS LIKE A DEHYDRATED APPLE, and there’s no amount of fucking “Participaction” that can change this FACT. It’s just nature’s way of reminding you how ridiculous you are. So, come on, Vince. Tone it down. ‘Cause the way things are going, the only way you’ll be able to see your grandson’s graduation one day will be as a disembodied head a la Futurama. And he'll still probably insist on working a street fight at Wrestlemania. The payoff though, will be seeing Shane shatter the jar with a Van-Terminator.

What A Tangled Weber We Weave…

As it stands, Amy Webber will not be returning to WWE at this point. We’ve heavily reported the facts to her situation with WWE regarding the strip club flyer, the ribbing, as well as the plan journey between Japan and Alaska.

Apparently Webber injured her tailbone while practicing for a match that was scheduled for No Way Out. According to sources, the landed awkwardly when she was thrown out of the ring, and suffered a painful injury.

During the plan journey, she confronted a trainer asking how to treat the injury, as it was causing her distress. Another person asked about it and she explained. That got turned into accusations that she was complaining about the injury, which two Raw wrestlers felt was lame given all that they’ve been through to get where they are. She stretched out on several seats to sleep, which shouldn’t have been a big deal since one WWE source there were a number of rows of open seats on the charter.

Whilst she was sleeping, two wrestlers poured a liquid on her to wake her up. It was the physical abuse that she says happened to her on the flight that caused her to quit and fly home on her own, not wanting to endure spending any more time with the wrestlers on the flight back from Alaska. “They are a bunch of assholes basically who think that they can get away with anything,” says a source close to Weber, who adds that at first Weber’s feelings were hurt from the teasing about the stripper flyer, but Bruce Prichard explained to her that the teasing wasn’t meant to be taken seriously, but was more just a test to see if she had a sense of humor about herself.

One of the wrestlers who were guilty of teasing Webber about the Flyer was JBL, however he later apologized to her because he didn’t mean to hurt her feelings since the wrestlers didn’t actually take the flyer seriously. Says one wrestler: “Amy is one of the smarter divas. JBL was just having fun the way he has fun. It was what it was and she took it too seriously at first because she was trying so hard to fit in. The girls just don’t understand the mentality because they got thrown into this. Wrestlers should be more mature, but this type of stuff is how we stay sane on road trips.”

As reported previously, there is some heat on John Laurenaitis because Prichard ended up having to deal with the situation, whereas it should have fallen under Laurenaitis’s job description. Webber, says the source close to her, is “still speaking with her attorneys about the best way to handle what she was put through.”

Well, things could be A LOT worse considering what happened the last time all the boys were on one plane. Amy should just count herself lucky that unlike many of the stewardesses on the “Plane ride from Hell”, she didn’t have to bear witness to a nude Ric Flair playing his gear like the fucking pied piper leading all the children out of Hamelin. (A skill Rob Feinstein has been hoping to perfect for YEARS…).

Anyway, as heard on other sites, this whole sordid mess apparently started over In Japan, where there was a flyer with Amy’s picture on it for a massage parlor (apparently used without her permission). The problem though was that the flyer also promised that Weber would provide “additional services” for the right price. The boys then got their hands on said flyer and teased her about it.  The rest sort of snow-balled from there to the point where she quit. Too bad, too, because out of all the new Divas she was the best. Does that make sense? Out of all the people with no talent she was the most talented talentless…or something like that.

Oh well, what can you do? I guess she can at least return to the dignity, poise and grace of her previous occupation: SOFT CORE PORN (Click here). You know, the profession where co-workers are on your ass literally as opposed to just figuratively.

 

TeNAcious Move.

In what has to be considered their most aggressive move yet, TNA is in talks with Fox Sports Net to run a three hour special on FSN the night before WrestleMania 21. The event would apparently be held in Las Vegas. Talks have been going on this week about the show and will continue today. Nothing has been finalized yet.

Normally, I’d say this would be a great way to get exposure for TNA, in the same way NWA/WCW’s Clash of Champions was a good alternative to many a WWF pay-per-view at the time. HOWEVER, TNA has proven, at least to me, that they are not interested in pushing the new stars on top, as the influx of has-been WWE midcarders who have been fed to Jarrett’s monster ego have proven. And it’s really too bad, because from the ground up, TNA has A LOT of talent. Unfortunately though, where it counts, on top, the roster is thinner than that one Olsen twin. You see, TNA is a lot like an ugly girl with a great personality. You want to love it for all its good qualities (the midcard), but DAMN, you just can’t get past that fucking face (the main-event.). And in this case, the ugly grill of TNA is made up of people that are so over the hill they’re on the other side. I mean, why would I care if Jarrett is facing Nash on a pay-per-view? That’s akin to choosing which death you’d prefer, AIDS or Ebola. Because, either way, you’re going to be suffering pretty fucking badly.

And from there, the (s)hits keep on coming, ‘cause here comes “Mr. Ass” (Monty “Billy Gunn” Sopp”) and a guy who fucked a “mister in the ass” Sean “123syxxpac” Waltman. I mean, really, was the world really clamoring for a DX reunion that badly? And besides, they can’t even call themselves that anyway. And if they could, it'd be ridiculous at their ages. D-Generated Bones? Oh well, if they can’t resurrect DX, maybe Billy can dig deep into his past and bring back a version of the Smokin’ Gunns with Waltman? How bout  "Smokin' Crack?" It's a tribute to the drugs Waltman required to find Chyna attractive, and Billy's beloved Ass. IT JUST MAKES SENSE.

Up To Your Ass In Batista.

In my ever loving quest to find stuff to discredit and make light of, often I find myself traveling to WWE’s Shop Zone website.…where a slew of comic gold usually awaits. And DEALS. I mean, where else can you buy an Undertaker EASTER BASKET?

 

HOWEVER, what I found on my last trip was greater than ANYTHING I had ever seen: WWE Auction! Where YOU, John Q. Fucky can bid with fellow fans to purchase a piece of wrestling history! Unless that "history" involves Randy Savage. Because that never happened! Ahem.

 

Anyway, I came across this particular item whilst perusing the page, and, well, read for yourself:

 

“In the weeks following the Pay-Per-View, Batista autographed and donated his event-worn red tights to WWE Auction for one fortunate Batista fanatic to take possession of.  As this wrecking machine continues to build momentum in sports-entertainment, these autographed trunks will only increase in their sentimental value.  Own a piece of Batista's wardrobe and get ready for this Superstar to give the word "dominance" a whole new meaning in 2005!!”.

 

Amazing. And the kicker is, not only did someone bid, but the item sold, and sold for $1,473! Yes. Someone out there, spent close to $1500 AMERICAN dollars no less to basically own an article of clothing that housed the boys of Dave Batista. And hey, don’t get me wrong, I consider myself a pretty big fan of DAVE, and I think he’s the BALLS and all that (but that doesn't mean I want to own anything that's touched his), but Batista could give me these trunks for fucking free and I wouldn’t touch those things with a ten foot pole. I mean, who in their right mind would dedicate that much coin to basically own Dave Batista’s underwear?… worn no less. Hell, if you're into underwear that badly, you can have mine for no charge. But be warned, they look like someone smoked a carton of cigarettes through the asshole. But seriously, the product's tagline alone here would be enough to stop me in my tracks. END BID. "Give the word "DOMINANCE" a whole new meaning?". Dear god. The fact that THIS is being said about UNDERWEAR, terrifies me as to what actually transpired whilst he was wearing them. And how much rubber DAVE was wearing while it happened. (Coming soon! Own The GIMP MASK Batista wore whilst penetrating some poor motherfucker with a riding crop and a cat o' nine-tails!!).

 

Anyway, upon further inspection, I noticed there was quite the little bidding war going on there, and the funny part is that a bidder, going by the net-handle of “bigdaveylicious” not only bid…but kept bidding, DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY WERE THE ONLY ONE’S BETTING ON THE ITEM for almost an entire day. Man, someone needs to teach this cat how an Auction works. When NO ONE else bids, you don’t have to keep bidding. Holy shit.

 

Anyway, despite bigdaveylicious’ best intentions, someone going by the name of “avenger” snatched Davey’s coveted Speedos away for about $2.50 cents more, which of course is hilarious for the fact that they spent all day betting against nobody, then folded their tent when someone tossed some pocket change into the mix. Better luck next time, I guess. And to “avenger,” umm, enjoy your prize that I’m sure by now you’re wearing over your face like a fucking Spiderman mask as you dance across the living room a la Buffalo Bill with your cock tucked between your legs. Batista probably should have done humanity a favor and just burned these. Hell, throw them in the pyre that Vince is burning all evidence of Randy Savage's existence. Could have saved us a lot of grief.