Leaves A Worse Taste In My Mouth Than A Date With Your Sister. 

WARNING BITTER RANT AHEAD.

People often ask me why I tend to not give TNA nearly as much coverage as WWE. The sad fact is, because of how it's currently presented, (i.e .JEFF JARRETT as main focal-point), I just cannot stomach watching it most times. I mean, how does one possibly see booking NASH VS. JARRETT for a World Title, as a selling point in 2005? IN 2005. Dear god. Does no one ever learn their lesson in this fucking industry? Ever? If the wrestling world was fucking world history, right after the Allies crushed the Germans and Japan in World War 2, some other fucking "dictator" would have popped right up, and tried to take the exact same countries, in the same exact order, with the same exact strategies, while attacking the same exact targets, BECAUSE THIS TIME, IT HAS TO WORK, DAMN IT. That's TNA in a nut-shell to me. But hey, enjoy Nash vs. Jarrett anyway. I think I'll just save my time, and go back in time and watch the dinosaurs stumble into a bog, flail around a bit, then discompose over the next few million years. And the sad thing is, there'd still be more action in this scenario.

So, ya, that's why you don't get tons of TNA coverage from me. And until the day when pro wrestling's Tori Spelling (Blond & manufactured and only gets roles because of Daddy owning the company), Jeff Jarrett, steps away, and people like Nash, DDP, and Scott Hall complete with maternity Elvis suit disappear, I'll just sit back, and laugh at a company still calling itself "Total Nonstop Action" when the majority of its current main eventers show less movement and exert less energy than Christopher Reeve. And he's dead.

So, ya, once the day comes, where, like the original dinosaurs, TNA's current Main Event scene is extinct, I shall return. Then leave again, when someone else wheels out Nash & company's Futurama jar heads in 30 years and then wonder why people still aren't buying their pay-per-views. You know the saying. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to forget ten years ago no one bought Jeff Jarrett vs. Nash either, and they were still in their thirties, and not completely immobile. You know, that old saying...

Even More Headlines:

Same drill as before. Headlines. Butcher. Make light. Bad person.

Stupid Wrestler Tricks

Surprising as it may sound, sometimes wrestlers do really stupid things. Like totally seriously. Things like stripping naked and jumping into giant aquariums. Things like revealing on HBO that you have an uncontrollable addiction to booze and drugs…and that you’ll probably DIE soon….all while still being employed by the WWE, then wondering why said company FIRES your ass. Things like forgetting to feed your snake for 3 or four months until it dies. And things like being mistaken for a terrorist in your workplace, when all you *really wanted to do* is huff a little cocaine at lunch time. Hell, you may even find *certain people* who are like the best go-to-guys in the event you need a morbidly obese Samoan bodyslammed, swearing innocence on drug trafficking…despite their Atlanta townhouse being filled without enough steroids to fund the entire German Olympic team. Oh ya, and that they killed their girlfriend too...

Now that we’ve established this, the following are but a few recent cases….

Breaking The Chyna:

“Don’t treat me like a woman….Don’t treat me like a man…”- Chyna’s WWF theme song.

….And after seeing screenshots from that porn of hers, that song now makes A LOT more sense now. *shudder*. I'm not going to say it was scarring, but I think the motherfucker who opened the Ark of the Covenant in Raider's was left in better shape than I was.

Anyway, it’s been quite the journey for Joanie and Sean Waltman; Sean has seemingly tried to put his life back together by going to rehab to cure his drug dependency (which makes 100% sense. I mean, it’d be hard to break the drug habit after ingesting the amount of hallucinogenics it’d take to make Chyna seem feminine.) Joanie, on the other hand, has been self-destructing. Often in public, from the Howard Stern show where she was said to be completely wasted, to going to a strip club and jumping up on stage and dropping trough for the horrified Spectators. She’s also currently having what’s left of her fleeting celebrity sucked dry on the newest season of the “Surreal Life”…  which really isn’t that different from wrestling if you think about it. You know, with a washed up guy from the 70’s, the midgets, the augmented women and brainless jarhead. It’s just another day at the office for Joanie. However, nothing struck me more unintentionally hilarious than the following statement direct from Xpac’s website:

"Joanie (Laurer) was arrested on 1/1 for domestic battery. She assaulted me, struck me in the head and face countless times after getting back from the Playboy Mansion. There were several witnesses to her behavior, including Jeff Meecham from The Extreme Mayhem Show, and unfortunately, my two children witnessed and heard all of this. She was released today, once again, having to suffer no consequences for her behavior. Show showed no remorse."

HAHAHAHA. Come on, ‘Pac. Could it be, that despite Jim Ross's bold claims, X-Pac's feet were never properly educated? Because it doesn't take a PHD in umm, kicking to know that you should NEVER EVER admit that your girlfriend kicked your ass. I mean come on. And besides, you’re telling me that he couldn’t peel off at least one wheel kick? Or an X-Factor? That shit has to work in real life! Right? It has to! Doesn’t it? If not, Vince has been lying to us for years!!! Maybe she just refused to lay still for 30 seconds so he could deliver the WORLD ENDER that was the Bronco Buster. I don't get it. Who'd just let a  woman whip their ass? And come on, Sean, as if you couldn't side-step those silly back-flip elbows. It just doesn't make sense. Maybe he’s a gentleman? I don't know. Although, for me, chivalry tends to end when your girlfriend has a bigger cock than you. Just saying.

Anyway, after reading the statement, all this proves to me is that Joey Buttafuoco OWNS them both. Clearly, Hunter made the WRONG decision in recruiting for DX. Joey was the right man for the job all along. Hell, he'd fit right in. Like Hunter & X-Pac, he's not exactly known for his taste in girlfriends... 

Maybe They Should Settle It With Giant Novelty Boxing Gloves?

Former WWE RAW Diva Search contestant Carmela DeCeasare was on trial for assault stemming from a bar room brawl with boyfriend Jeff Garcia’s ex-girlfriend Kristen Hine. According to Hine, she was kicked in the neck, suffered injuries and was later a victim of a number of threatening phone calls.

I wonder if any of the phone calls included the phrase “cum-guzzling gutter slut?”. I mean, Carmella had to pick up some choice lines from the Diva Search. But seriously, kicked in the neck? Man. If only she had shown this type of workrate before, she might actually be in the WWE today! …You know, instead of more talented Diva’s-search hopefuls like…. Nobody. Who am I kidding? If any charges should have been filed, it should be against Carmella and the gang for boring the shit out of me so badly last Summer. I know, I know, I’ve said this a thousand times before, and I don’t mean to beat a dead horse here (Ok, there was that one time, but I was VERY drunk) but it still bothers me.

But seriously, VIOLENCE IS WRONG. In ANY form. Just because it's two attractive women fighting doesn’t change a thing. It’s deplorable and it’s..umm, WRONG! Ya, that’s right! In fact, as far as woman on woman crime goes, I personally don’t think justice can EVER be truly served…. until Jell-O is involved. It’s the ONLY WAY THEY’LL LEARN! We have to make an example out of them and prove once and for all that CRIME DOES NOT PAY! And the best way we can do that is with a little lubrication, a children’s swimming pool and perhaps even a slew of phallic shaped rubber objects. It’s the ONLY deterrent! This type of crime HAS to be stopped. I’m willing to do my part, are YOU?

Well, At Least Everyone Else In TNA Is Clean…

Original post:

 Hector Solano Segura, 35, who wrestles under the name Hector Garza, was arrested Monday on a charge of possession of a controlled substance. Bail has been set at $1,000. Segura , who is from Monterrey, made his professional debut in 1992. Segura, when teamed with a wrestler known as the Latin Lover, was popular with female fans for his Chippendales-like dancing skills.

Followed by these updates:
TNA star Hector Garza was freed without bail yesterday as the judge presiding over his case ruled that the nine days he had been incarcerated covered the set bail of $1000. Garza’s counsel, Thomas Mora, is petitioning to have Garza allowed to travel to Orlando, Florida for the Final Resolution PPV and returning to Houston immediately afterwards. If that isn’t allowed by the court, Garza is expected to be deported out of the country on Friday. Should he be deported before the charges are resolved, it is expected that it will be some time before he is allowed to work in the United States again.

Garza was arrested 1/3 in Houston, Texas on charges of possession of a controlled substance, which turned out to be anabolic steroids Primobolan and Deca-Durabolin. Garza was carrying two bottles, containing 28 grams. When asked by immigration agents if he was carrying any medication, Garza indicated that he was and presented the bottles in question. Since he was not carrying a prescription and the medication was not in the original packaging, the call was made to put Garza into custody. Our expert in Mexico, Cesar Cadena noted that in Mexico, medication is supposed to be sold in the original packaging, so someone had to make the effort in changing it over to different bottles.

Garza was pulled from his scheduled TNA PPV match this Sunday at Final Resolution in Orlando, Florida and replace with Jeff Hardy. Should he be deported, he was scheduled to compete in Arena Mexico on 1/21 in Mexico City at a tournament of second generation wrestlers, so he may appear at that event.

 “Popular with female fans for his Chippendales-like dancing skills?” And here I thought I was the only one.

But seriously, what’s the matter with Garza? He was like THIS close to stardom and he blows it. It’s really a shame Brian Lawler wasn’t still around TNA to preach to him the dangers of smuggling substances across borders. Could have no doubt saved Hector a lot of grief if he had. Or, at least loaned him a pair of his Grand Masta Sexay balloon pants to make the smuggling a little less detectable (I knew there had to be productive reason why a hillbilly from Memphis would embrace Hip-Hop.). Anyway, I kind of feel sorry for Garza, who is no doubt one of the more talented wrestlers out there, and was in the midst of a push in TNA. Hell, he even earned himself a match with Scott Hall, which is hilarious in of itself. I mean, how bad is it when YOU have to duck out of a PPV match because of drug issues, while Scott Hall and... JEFF HARDY (his drug free replacement?!) show up to work with clear bloodstreams? That's got to sting. Like all the pissing he'll have to do into cups so to get back into TNA. Or something.

Just Say Know To Drugs

Former WWF superstar Jake “The Snake” Roberts was arrested this past week for cocaine possession in Pompano Beach, FL. His girlfriend was stopped by authorities and was found with drugs in her possession, she then told police officers that the drugs were her boyfriend “Jake The Snake” and that he probably had more at his hotel. Upon arrival to Roberts’ room, they found a crack pipe with residue but no drugs were found.

Isn't it ironic that there’s probably more poisons flowing through Jake then anyone of snakes?…

Anyway, for YEARS people have been spouting that Jake “The Snake” has one foot in the grave, but I’m starting to doubt this with each passing day. For whatever reason, Jake Roberts is harder to kill than a fucking Terminator. Well, a Terminator, that slurs his words, puts on 40 pounds and pisses in a trashcan. Come to think of it, John Connor and the crew'd have smooth sailing if this was the case. So umm, never mind. But seriously (only not really)  between him and Rolling Stones band member Keith Richards, I’m starting to seriously believe that despite both having about 1% blood in their “Heroin streams”, that they’re each actually impervious to death. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if one day, Jake admits that his *real* last name is Macleod, (and not, "The Snake" Roberts"), and he was born in Scotland in the 16^th century, before revealing that the only way to fall him is by severing his head with a samurai sword. “There can be only one!.~BURP~..”

But seriously, when Jake does finally expire, they need to donate him immediately to science, if only to somehow bottle his essence and pass it on to terminal people. Hell, if I had inoperable cancer, I'd give it a shot. Sure, everything I ate for the rest of my life would taste like Beam, but at least, somehow, through osmosis, I might learn the DDT. It'd clearly be worth it. Plus, you know, the whole not dying in 6 months part. But mostly the DDT.

Dying To Be On PPV!

The following appeared on Dave Meltzer’s Wrestling Observer:

“On a sad note, apparently Erik Watts either overdosed or tried to kill himself last weekend. On an even sadder note, this apparently influenced the booking of FINAL RESOLUTION and got him a victory over Raven, who once drew the highest buyrate for a TNA PPV in its weekly incarnation.”

This story intrigued if only because apparently, attempting suicide can actually lead to a push. Imagine if he had actually killed himself he might be the World Champion today!.... Oh wait.

Our friends over at Lethal Wrestling were actually the first to break this story, after discovering a post by Erik’s father “Cowboy” Bill Watts at the midsouth wrestling board here. In the post, Bill reveals EVERY aspect of Erik’s apparent overdose…you know, rather than quietly trying to help his son.  Anyway, personally, I blame The Cowboy for Erik getting addicted. I mean , the Watts was always yelling “let’s hook’em up!”… so, it was only a matter of time before someone misunderstood and, ya.….

Anyway, despite the fact that I’m convinced that Bill really wants to barter with the Reaper a free trade of Erik for JYD, the following still cracked me up:

“Erik feels (justifies) he 'needs the pain pills' in order to wrestle,because of the physical toll on his body.”

Saywhatinthefucknow? Oh! You mean that break-neck style Erik employed? I knew all those careless highspots Erik used would catch up with him one day! Perhaps this is the REAL reason the Cowboy banned all those off the top rope moves; Erik just couldn’t stop pulling off those 450 splashes! Seriously though, dude, how many injuries can you possibly get when your offense consists of a waist high dropkick? YOU HAVE TO WANT IT.

“That is total delusion----because if you cannot wrestle without drugs, then you need to quit! But, like so many athletes, who feel 'they are in control' and 'can handle it'-------Erik's denial is just that------and it is spoken through the 'filter' of the drugs and alcohol”

Ya, Erik. Learn to approach the business with the dignity and grace that your father did! You know, when he wasn’t getting totally shitfaced and pissing out his office window, or calling people Nigger.

From there, there are comments posted by several others meaning to be sympathetic to Erik. Here’s my favorite:

“Erik Watts, I know what you’re going through, emotionally. God be with you on your traitorous journey. You’re in my prayers.”

His traitorous journey? ERIK BETRAYED OUR NATION. HE DOESN'T DESERVE OUR PRAYERS! It's America, buster. Love it or leave it! And hey, I know, you kinda tried to just leave it, permanetly, but ya, stop being a communist or something.

OK, I’m an asshole. But seriously though, Erik, don’t do it. Now is NOT the time. Besides, you have so much to live for! Don’t believe me? Well, your life could still look like THIS. Count yourself blessed! And if you do anyway? Well, make sure you take a few people with you. Start with Sonny Siaki. And hey, can I have your cool letter jacket? No? Well, fuck you then.

A Stab In The Dark

New Jack was backstage at RAW on Monday. Jack was asked to do a five-minute chain-wrestling spot with Val Venis, but he only worked for about a minute. He didn’t return to the ring, but was present backstage and was quite friendly with the crew. Sources say that New Jack had pitched an idea to WWE about him being the one who “stabbed” John Cena a few months ago.

No one told New jack he wasn’t supposed to use an actual chain. Val Venis was 34.

All kidding aside, I have kind of mixed feelings on this whole alleged angle. First, New Jack is definitely the only guy out there who could add credibility to the whole "stabbing" of John Cena (Jack’s done things to white folks that would make OJ Simpson puke), but then again, is New Jack really the guy you want working with your future cash-cow? Seriously, New Jack is a guy you bring in when you really want one of your wrestlers stabbed…legitimately. After all, you’re talking about a guy who’s basically been threatening the life of the Dudleys and Paul Heyman for  5 years. If Jack had his way, Spike Dudley would be working in WWE under the name "THE Dudley Boy".

So, remember this, WWE, when Jack staples John Cena between the running lights, and then fists him with those giant foam Knux, that maybe hiring him wasn’t in your best interests. I’d say ask Eric Khulas (God bless his ridiculous soul) about the “safety record” of Jack…a guy who’s renowned blading skills (that make Dr. Giggles look like fucking Patch Adams in comparison) turned “Mass Transit” into a human sprinkler system. However he kinda went ahead and died, so don’t bother. NOW THAT'S SELLING! That kid may have a future in this business after all! Or not. He's dead. But hey, that never stopped Undertaker. Get your head in the game, Eric! Just don't let New Jack anywhere near it.