Anyway. The best news out of all this is The Diamond Doll is single. Yay! And before you get all "She'd never date you, asshole", I'll comeback with "she married Dallas Fucking Page!". And if she was attracted to a guy who basically looked like someone injected Howdy Doody with HGH the aged him in an Indian Smokehouse, than by god, there's a chance for me. So, come to Papa, Kimberly. I have another kind of "Diamond Cutter" with your name on it...

Ok, maybe not. Although her name really is on it. Right now you can only read "KE", but if you give me a few seconds...

Foley Is Good  Pissed

Mick Foley is apparently furious over the negative comments that Ric Flair has for him in Flair's new book. Foley is also upset that WWE would allow such things to be written in an official WWE publication. Obviously Mick never read Chyna's "If They Only Knew".  I guess he was like the Earth's other 6.5 Billion people. 

Anyway, Foley is said to feel betrayed by Vince McMahon (imagine someone feeling this way!) and is now apparently ignoring all calls from WWE. Except if it's about money. Or maybe just the first part.

But that said, in this FLAIR VS. FOLEY WAR, I don't how to feel.

I feel like that part in Highlander: End Game where the two heroes Connor and Duncan Macleod do battle, because there can be only one. Hey, why not? After all the shit Foley's done to his body, being beheaded with a broad sword would probably be a walk in the park, and maybe even welcomed. And the best part? Foley's head would still be more over than Al Snow and his. I thought I'd beat Mick to the punch here).

That said, this is kind of a unique situation in that neither man has really ever been too keen on one another. Foley himself pretty much lambasted Flair in "Have a Nice Day" and now that Flair has returned the favor, Mick is fuming.

You can't really blame WWE here though, after all, they're just in this to make money, and I doubt any of Flair's slander really registers true with them. Or they even know about it. I bet Vince hasn't even read either guy's book. I mean, outside of WWE TV, I'm personally convinced that Vince just returns to a fucking hyperbaric chamber. It would explain how in the shit he never heard of the Blair Witch Project.

Vince:  "Linda, wake me up when tall muscular guys with no charisma are relevant!"

Linda: "You mean 1985?".

Oh well. What can you do. Not everyone is ever going to always get along. I'm just sad this means we'll never see a Foley/Flair match anytime soon. Although, this does pave way for that vaunted return match with a BROOMSTICK I've heard so much about. And here the only inanimate wooden thing I thought Flair had great chemistry with was Batista. Shows what I know.

Moving on... (because let's face it, I sure hijacked this story).

Man Alive! There's A Man Alive Down There...

After 1wrestling.com pointed out yesterday that WWE violated their own policy of not showing any murders by having Undertaker kill Paul Bearer at the Great American Bash, Gary Davis (WWE Vice President, Corporate Communications) sent out the following:

"Last night's 'Concrete Crypt Match' was similar in concept to the "Buried Alive" matches of the past. No one was murdered. After the Great American Bash Pay-Per-View went off the air, the crowd at The Scope in Norfolk saw Paul Bearer come up for air and then placed on a stretcher to receive "medical attention." There will be an update on Paul Bearer on this Thursday's WWE SmackDown! Stay tuned."

This situation has been the talk of the industry all this week as certain people blasted WWE for breaking their apparent "No murder" rule in the list of things you were supposedly never going to see on WWE TV.

Obviously, as The Great American Bash went off the air, Paul Bearer's "death" was implied. Only, a few days later, after being called out, it is ultimately revealed that Bearer was not dead from suffocating in cement, but instead only "injured"?  Despite the word umm, CRYPT, always implying the complete opposite. After all, I just did not pay 8 grand so Grandpa could just take a fucking nap or something. Someone get me a shovel (Use HHH's) there's still time to get my deposit back! Thanks WWE~!

Anyway, once Thursday rolled around, Michael Cole made sure to let us know that Paul had suffered "severe trauma" to his lungs and trachea and we apparently "won't be seeing him on SmackDown again".

But I ask, why the Hell not? Wrestlers have been subjected to almost every type of attempted vehicular homicide known to man, been set on fire, crushed, and even hit in the head with a sledgehammer, and ALL have returned none worse for wear. But a little cement is going to put you out indefinitely? I love Wrestling. It's the only place in the world where HHH can be dropped 100 feet from a forklift in a car and still work RAW the next night, but sit out a year after taking a Lion-Tamer.Normally I'd "buy" shit like this, but with all the ridiculous things I mentioned, WWE has programmed me to not accept anything less than a full recovery. And besides, what of the urn? Shouldn't that shit just instantly rejuvenate the guy? IT'S FILLED WITH DARKSIDE MAGIC. Am I wrong? Am I sober? No.

So, ya, that's it for Paul Bearer. You won't be seeing him again. Especially not hung on Vince's wall ala Han Solo in Carbonite. That's what I 'd have insisted on. Well, until Taker sneaks in and liberates him...

Paul: "I love you."

Taker: "I know. Err, I mean, REST IN PEACE or something."

It'd happen JUST like that.
 

Whatcha Gonna Do, Bruther?

Did you know Hulk Hogan had a daughter who vows to be the next Britney Spears? And all this in spite of her inherited male pattern baldness.

Apparently, The Hulkster has done all he could to open doors for his eldest. And you know, once you mention "Suburban Commando" and "Santa with Muscles" to these jaded big-wigs, you just watch how fast those doors fly open! The only problem is this on the way out...

Anyway, Brooke Hogan and her dad were staples of the Tampa Bay Lightning during the Stanley cup series with Calgary, as Brooke would belt out the National Anthem, while Hulk tore his shirt off as good luck for the team. Now, if only the roles could be reversed, then and only then might I actually start watching Hockey.

The Hogan's were a hit apparently and Brooke seems to be on her way, preparing to carry the heavy load of Pop Diva-dom on her "barn-door back", bruther.

This has of course lead the Brookster into the arms of a member of another famous family, The Carters..yes, of the gay boy band variety. You see, Brooke has recently been linked to young Aaron Carter, who is best known for being the first "crush" to many a pudgy shapeless teenage girl out there. Or so Jerry Lawler tells me.

One can almost imagine their first date, as an overzealous Aaron goes for a handful...not once, but twice, before Brooke blocks the advance on the third try and unloads three heavy haymakers, before kicking him in the face and dropping the leg. It is after all in-born instinct.

As the date concludes, in the place of a "good night kiss", I imagine the two awkwardly looking around before exchanging a very exaggerated handshake as Vince McMahon bizarrely bursts from the bushes yelling "The Madness meets The Mania!".

So, in closing, Brooke, best of luck to you in your singing career, and in this case, you might want to ignore Dad's advice to not ever "sell" anything. Although, I'm guessing that may just happen anyway, bruther.

Gee, I Thought Armageddon Would Last A Little Longer Than That....

"Despite all the plans for a huge push, Mordecai is already being sent back down to OVW for more training. Management, especially Vince McMahon, originally had big plans for him."

Sheesh. One would think that Mordecai might have a little trouble finding another line of work. I mean, you try getting a regular 9 to 5 job when you have “The Lord’s Avenging Angel” on your resume…

All kidding aside, I might be in the minority here, but I really liked the “Mordecai” character. I just think they may have had the wrong person playing the role. Kevin Fertig (who played Mordy) just never really seemed too comfortable out there, and often, rather than being intimidating, he just looked more like a fat kid in a Halloween costume than a wrestler.

The look did have some minor flaws (Think Jeff Jarrett in 1993, only exchange “a love of Grand Ole Opry Music” for umm, "punisher of wayward souls"?) but  Fertig, in my opinion, just didn’t have that intangible that made him appear to be a monster (like say Undertaker or Kane).

Mordecai, much like many others before him, had some great vignettes, but couldn’t live up to the hype once he hit the ring. I don’t blame him for this, however. He did the best he could, and despite some of his flaws, I still feel it was far too soon to pull the plug on him altogether. If indeed they are operating on electricity in Monasteries these days.

The solution, may have been right under their noses all along. See, Kane (much like Mordecai) had spectacular hype for his debut in 1997, despite being still very green, err, red, err whatever. But instead of instantly throwing him out there and having him “sell” for mid-carders like Holly and Scotty 2 Hotty, Kane just annihilated people at random times, and got way over as a result of this brutal unpredictability. The same shtick could have worked with Fertig, and in turn, he could have honed his craft on house shows, while not being “exposed” on TV.  And he as mentioned,  he wouldn't have had to sell for SCOTTY 2 HOTTY . I mean, what chances does this guy have as God's right hand during Armageddon (LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW) in the final battle, when he sells a dancing karate chop to the fucking stomach. They must have left that part out of Revelations. "And then a Dragon rose from the ocean, it had a large head, and on top its head it had a crown...wait, no; it's a visor, with strange stiffened yellow hair sticking out from the top..."

Still, though, the fact that he is demoted, while Kenzo “are you going to pay for those magazines!!” Suzuki has not only a job, but a prominent angle with Cena brewing, just irks me to no end. Bleh.

GOD SPEED, MORDECAI. (LITERALLY!).
 

You Think Your Shit Don’t Stink?

"John Cena's "poop" promo against Kenzo Suzuki was written by Brian Gerwirtz. Gerwirtz is one of McMahon's favorite writers and McMahon is a big fan of "poop" jokes, so that explains that."

So, that's why WWE is so shitty right now. Gerwirtz is just tying in Vince's love of excrement. It all makes sense now!

That said, as much as the IWC has shit (POOPED~!) on Steve Austin at times, at least Stone Cold talked like a man. A man with no grasp of the English language. I done telling you.

But seriously, (OK, not really) if you want to get Cena over as "urban," you might want to curtail the babytalk. You think a real rapper would say “poop”? Nah, they'd bust a cap in your umm, bum for even suggesting  it. Of course, real Rappers wouldn't toss little packets of salted peanuts at their opponents either.  That said, just who in the fuck is John Cena being targeted at, anyway? If I was booking, I'd build the entire feud around those peanuts. Because since Kenzo looks so much like the Korean guy who owns the corner store you shop in, I'd mark out to hear him adopt that very persona and yell out to Cena: "Why you want waste peanut like that!". The payoff would be him calling Cena "Fifty Cent"-- not as a knock on Cena's rapper persona-- but because that's how much he's equated the peanuts worth to.  You not buy magazine you not read! Come again!

SmackDown (Brief) Thoughts.

Even though I handed over the SmackDown reigns to our friend Michael Melchor,  I still get the odd urge to give my twisted observations on occasion. I will now post several of these select ramblings from this week’s edition of SmackDown:

-So, Jindrak and  Long have parted ways? Probably for the best. After all, isn’t Long supposed to despise “whitey”? I mean his own BODY rejected white blood cells with hepatitis, last year! And if Jindrak was any “whiter” he’d sweat milk. This union never made sense to me.

- on Bradshaw’s sanitizer: I wonder if he uses that on guy’s asses in the dressing room too? I mean, you never know where that disgusting Billy Silverman's been! Ahem.

-Kidman & London win the titles! Wow, score one for ROH here! Kind of! And Score one for effeminate pudding basin haircuts! And speaking of ROH, I wonder why Feinstein never pushed to get Billy onboard? You’d think with a name like “Kidman” that Rob would be DYING to get him!

-Got to love the geisha look with Hiroko.  I wonder if Suzuki met her in one of those massage parlors with the women who massage your penis through a little hole in the wall. Man, I wish they’d open up one of those here. Hell, if they threw in a fast food take-out window, I’d never leave!
 

-I’m no expert, but I’m starting really suspect that this El Luchador guy just might not be the champion of Mexico…
 

-Why is it ok for Jamie Noble to spontaneously stop wearing pants, but it's "taboo" and "illegal" for me?
 

-Heyman said it was The Dudleys idea to abduct Paul Bearer, not his. Huh, call me crazy, but after Undertaker tried to MURDER Bearer himself, I’m pretty sure this is no longer an issue with him..

-I Hate Smackdown! (This one's not a joke. Just an observation).

A Flair For Time Travel.

Ric Flair is a many of many hats. Some of those “hats” have included being a 16 time Champion. But did you know that the Nature Boy had mastered the art of time travel?

We here at The Wrestling Fan.com in our quest to report the news that no one else dare touch, or completely fabricate, have unearthed this shocking fact.

You all heard the saying: “Jet Flyin’…Limousine Ridin”, right? Well, exchange “limousine” for a 1980’s Delorean, and you’ll be a bit closer to the truth.

You see, the idea for the “Flux Capaciter” actually came to Slick Ric back in ‘83 in a bout with Harley Race. As Race dropped a knee to Flair’s blond locks, it unlocked all the secrets of the universe!

Soon, Flair began construction on a vehicle that would open a worm hole (Not Babydoll) in time and allow the Nature Boy to pass freely, from this world to the next! It is also said that Arn Anderson’s drinking problem began soon after, as “Double A” saw Flair depart this dimension one cold evening in the Carolinas, and insisted that the whole sorted episode was in his head, and fell into the bottle as a result! Uh oh! Quick, someone call the real AA!

Flair has since used this craft many times over the last twenty years, including erasing a Title loss to Randy Mulkey in 1988. And you might ask yourself, “what title loss”? To which my answer is “Exactly”. (Also, upon returning to WCW in early 1993, Flair knowing then-booker Bill Watts wouldn’t push him, chose to deposit the “Cowboy” in prehistoric times…to which he lives quite happily to this day.).

Flair’s most harrowing quest however was Lex Luger, whom no matter how many times he used the Delorean, was always unable to get him over. (second only to the time he brought his son David back to 1905 to defeat George Hackenschmidt for the World Title; only this act caused a ripple in the space time continuum , and as a result DESTROYED the entire UNIVERSE! Thankfully Slick Ric was able to remedy this, however.).

Now, You might ask, what relevance does all this have? And I’ll answer you. Flair’s latest “project” has been Randy Orton, and his current reign as Intercontinental champion. You see, the fact is,  the cocky 3rd generation superstar has actually lost the Intercontinental Title EVERY night since winning it in December of last year. But, thanks to Ric’s fast thinking, and uncanny mastery of time, space and dimension, he was able to go back and continually allow Orton to leave as Champion! It's true!

The fact is Flair still holds resentment over the fumbling of Lex Luger, and did not want young Randy to suffer the same fate. Or Kill Elizabeth. (Whom he returned to 1992 to kidnap and preserve, because SHE WAS HIS BEFORE SHE WAS MACHO MAN's WOOOOOOO!).

 So for those of you at the arena for the PPV this Sunday, and WHEN you see Edge pin Orton in about two minutes for the IC title…don’t freak out when you blink, then suddenly hear “Winner and still Champion, Randy Orton!” and see Edge out cold in the ring. That’s just that wacky Ric Flair, bending the laws of science to suit his own purposes.  Unless it's pulling a credible match out of El Gigante. Science has no way of combating that.

It Almost Made Him Forget About Montreal… Almost.

For those of you that were hiding under a rock  or a Steve Austin, and haven’t heard, there’s quite the little brouhaha going on between two of the IWC’s favorite wrestling stars: Bret Hart and Ric Flair.

It all stems from comments Flair made in his best-selling book “To be the man”.  (which ironically was also the working title of Chyna's book in 1999).

Basically, without going into great detail, Ric Flair made accusations about “The Hitman” that ranged from accusing him of being an over-rated, repetitive wrestler, all the way to saying that Bret used the trial of the death of his brother Owen to further his vendetta against Vince McMahon over…wait for it…Montreal! Ya, seriously.

The hugest irony of this situation to me isn’t the two plunging daggers into each other’s hearts with scathing insults, but how completely DIVIDED the internet seems to be over this situation. It's like the Hatfield's and the McCoys. Only with fatter thirty year old guys still wearing eight year old nWo T-shirts.

For YEARS, you wouldn’t hear nary a person describe EITHER has “over-rated” or “untalented”, but in the course of a week, the two men who seemingly were above the acid-tongued scrutiny of the IWC, have had countless insults leveled in their direction from this same previously adoring crowd, as people take sides in this conflict of egos as the eternal questions emerge: Calgary or Charlotte?…. WCW’s best or WWF’s best?…. Limousines or…. ten speed bicycles?…. Ok that’s a bad example.

Anyway…

The funny thing in this whole situation when you break it down is the fact that (with the exception of the Owen comments) each man is as guilty of the claims the other has lobbed in his direction. The similarities are actually startling. I’ll give you a few examples:

Ric Flair: July 1991: Ric Flair severs ties with WCW/NWA and signs a contract with the then-WWF when he learns he’ll be fazed out of the main-event. He is asked to drop the title to Lex Luger on the way out, but for uncertain reasons (that range from not being asked, to refusing to) never did. Flair instead showed up on WWF TV for all intents and purposes the WCW Champion. And Luger was left holding the bag in WCW and had a comically gigantic feathered mullet. One of these things are unconnected.

Bret Hart: November 1997: Signs a contract with WCW while in the midst of his reign as WWF champion. (Also rumored because he too was being demoted from main event). Is then asked to ‘drop the title’ to Shawn Michaels, but refuses (again, depending on what you believe, either for not liking the cut of HBK’s jib, all the way to not wanting his reputation as a Canadian Hero compromised by losing in the country he was essentially defending).

And much like Flair, Bret shows up in WCW as unofficial uncrowned WWF champion (in the minds of fans anyway).

Ric Flair: the formulaic wrestler: Bret’s biggest allegation against Flair is that his matches were all essentially the same (complete with cartoonish spots and what he described as phony chops (?!).... BIG PHONY CHOPS that leave the chests of his opponents with “big phony” broken blood vessels?! Ahem.

Bret Hart: accused by Flair of possessing the same predictable move-set sequence when it comes to his matches i.e. the “five moves of doom” (backbreaker, Russian leg-sweep, 2nd rope elbow, inverted atomic rope, and anything ranging from a running clothesline to a DDT or bulldog).

In addition to these shared traits, the two were basically always the “go to guy” in their promotion when the man they tried pushing failed miserably, which ironically enough for both men was LEX FUCKING LUGER at one point….

Also, the two were HORRIBLY mishandled under the Eric Bischoff-ran WCW, when Easy E. chose not to exploit how “over” both were in 1996-1999 in favor of Hulk Hogan, his ominpresent glistening dome and the nWo. But hey, why push Bret & Naitch when you can build entire shows around the tremendously exciting revelation and conclusion to THE BARNBURNER FEUD OF 1999:  'WHO WILL BE THE NEW LEADER OF NWO BLACK & WHITE?" between Stevie Ray and Vincent. Sometimes you just got to cut the fat, so fucking Curly Bill can get a PPV payoff, what can I say.

Now with that said, I have to say that I enjoy both men’s work for different reasons. And in defense of BOTH men, I must say that first, Ric Flair is the epitome of what a pro wrestler should be; that being someone who always leaves you entertained. And as far as Bret goes, this talk of him finishing each match the same way is ridiculous and honestly uneducated. Bret always utilized a unique psychology in each of his matches. In fact, sometime he'd tell you you had deep-rooted mother issues and  he'd delve deep into your past to uncover these  repressed revelations. Oh, and he'd pin you a bunch of different ways. I like the first psychology better.

Bret essentially wrestled a different match against each opponent he wrestled (working on a big man’s legs for example) and even though he used the same wear down holds, he would often have a custom created finish designed for that particular opponent.

Besides, it's not like everyone didn't have key moves in their arsenal. I mean, you never saw Hulk Hogan suddenly break into an STF or a moonsault whilst punching some fat fuck in the face three times and slamming him, right?  You never saw Ultimate Warrior ever..do...any...move...ever, right? Right. Ya.

If you go back, you’ll actually see that Bret was WWE(F)’s last catch-as-catch-can wrestling champion. And he'd catch that catch can every time. Or something. In fact, after his reign, wrestlers always seemed to finish with their finishing moves and not unique pinning combinations, that as a result, programmed the audience to no longer buy these as believable finishes, all but destroying the credibility of near-falls forever.).  FUCK YOU MODERN WAY WRESTLING. FUCK YOU IN YOUR STUPID ASS.

So, ya, the truth here actually lies somewhere in the middle. Which would be Minnesota, I think. And it’s obvious that both men, despite their high profile, have surprisingly low self-esteem and more so than that, seem to hold onto grudges FOREVER. To me, despite their differences with one another, both are essentially THE SAME FUCKING PERSON.

However, in a side note: there are several comments in the Bret Hart retort that did strike me as hilarious.

I’ll list a couple of snippets, and give my two cents from there and keep in mind, these aren’t a knock on the Hitman (who for the record is my favorite wrestler ever), just my opinion on a few quotes that I felt were silly.

“First off, chops hurt - and in my opinion they look like crap.”

Except when they’re thrown by Chris Benoit? How can they look like crap if they make actual contact? Silly? I'll give you that. Whenever I've gotten into a fight, I don't pause, posture, then unbutton my adversaries shirt first before unloading. STAY STILL SO MAY CHOP THEE.

“He (Flair) somehow became WWF champion and Vince McMahon carefully constructed an elaborate storyline for this very important match.”

Somehow became champion? Good thing they started having wrestling become predetermined after 1992. Imagine the chaos!

“Everyone knows that most of the time WCW wrestlers worked in front of empty chairs in empty arenas.”

And the WWF was just packing them in with Bastion Booger in 1993? (I only say this because both promotions had their peaks and valleys).

“You’ll find nary a wrestler that would describe me, Savage or Foley as back stabbers or sneaky liberty takers, but with Flair you better take a number!”

Savage had no time to be a backstabber. He was too busy thinking of creative places to lock Elizabeth so she’d be safe from the Prom-night hands of that stark-raving Hulkster, Bruther.

“Scott Hall was not in the dressing room in Boston, but it happened (Bret telling off Ric) numerous times and he did witness it somewhere.  All one would have to do is ask Scott Hall where it was.  He told the story countless times. Unfortunately, I had to politely dress down Ric Flair three or four times.”

This is my absolute favorite. Not that I’m disputing the story, but a world where Scott Hall's memory is your gold standard and Hall himself is a beacon of integrity, is a world I don’t want to live in….

Besides, calling Hall’s best friend Shawn Michaels a “homo” countless times isn’t exactly going to win “The Bad Guy’s” loyalty, me thinks…

Now, on the other hand, Flair’s take on Montreal was completely unfounded. Truth be told, what he’s heard has either been hearsay or the take of Shawn & Hunter...who was promised by Bret's wife that God would strike him down. IT'S BEEN 7 YEARS. COME ON, GOD DO YOUR PART. So, ya, I don't exactly take Naitch's opinion as gospel. Man, it's hard to believe he keeps his hair so white considering how far he has his head up DX's asses.

So, there you go. Two very insecure, petty men…who just happened to be the best in the world at what they do. There's not that many of us.

Mattitude Adjustment

In a strange twist of fate (HIYO) Matt Hardy started out this week as the talk of the Internet, and sadly, much like a Hardy “push”, faded into obscurity while a much bigger angle took his “spot”.

Earlier this week, V1 took it upon himself in his column over at WWE.com to criticize the Internet. However, unlike a certain goose stepping good ole boy, Hardy had the decency to not call us homosexuals or knock the fact we wear Big Show "Big All Over" T-shirts when we masturbate to a fluttering Trish Stratus screen saver. That makes Matt good people in my book.

Matt’s biggest gripes were that those on the Net are far too critical of the product, while not choosing to focus on the positives, or at least, offer constructive criticism. Man’s got a point there.

And, of course from there, he spoke up for Lita and downplayed the recent negativity towards her and put her over as the top “diva” in the Fed. But what else would he say? It’s his fucking girlfriend. We’ve all been in that position, and although deep down we know our friends speak the truth about our girls, we still get defensive, because after all, even though you may enjoy a game of cards or the big game with these buddies, your bread is still buttered at home, and going against your woman is a one way ticket to couch duty as you lay battered and broken on the poorly made Ikea futon sofa, while she sleeps in the middle of your queen sized bed in angered defiance. We know Matt. WE ALL KNOW.

Wait, what were we talking about?

Anyway, to bottom-line this incoherent rant, I agree with Matt’s take on the IWC and I’ll be more positive in the future. But only when it doesn’t suck.

Veeeee Onnnnnneah!

From Acting Stupid In Germany… To Bringing Back A Stupid German. 

John Heidenreich is  apparentlynow being groomed for a program with the Undertaker.  And not an actual Mortician as I'd have hoped.

But Hey! Wrestling’s innovator of the new pro-wrestling style that is “Catch-as-catch-Can’t” is back!  Yay! And he’s pissed off at anyone who thought Little Johnny was a pseudonym for his penis.

Actually, I was impressed with his promo on SmackDown, but the fact remains, in the ring, the guy’s the version of an oak tree with his opponents being a slaloming Sonny Bono on a pair of skis.

What I did find humorous however, was his promo where he said that “only one man will give him a chance…and that man is Paul Heyman!”  Wow, what’s next? David Duke starts managing Booker T? I kid of course, but it is kind of ironic that a Jew would embrace the prototype Nazi superman? (well, if Superman had an inner ear infection and lost his equilibrium).

I’ll reserve judgment on this though, at least until I see if Cornette and company taught him anything new while he was imprisoned down in Louisville. And if not, all I can say is that Kenzo Suzuki better start finishing his opponents “Mortal Kombat” style, or I may have found my replacement “whipping boy”.

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 Lita Brand Condoms. For those times you blow more than spots!

Who Was That Mustached Man?
You know, you can’t go anywhere these days without someone saying "Wrestling used to better back when". And often, I tend to agree. But likely not for the same reasons as you. And while some may cite better psychology, better developed rivalries, or even better storylines as their reasons for this belief, I counter with this:

MUSTACHES!

Yes, that’s right. What wrestling is missing, and would NO DOUBT bring the sport back to the forefront of pop culture, is the beloved yet elusive hair-lip of the bygone golden-age of wrestling!

The fact is, today, Mustaches are not as plentiful as they once were, with often the only faces adorned with this timeless badge of honor being Arabs, Columbian Druglords and of course sleazy Quebecers.

But there was a time when the mustache was a celebrated icon, to be cherished and appreciated with the same reverence we bestow upon the greatest of heroes. Yes, my friends, the wrestling mustache was a sight to behold. And thanks to me, we will now take time to bask in the awesomeness of this celebrated hairy relic of a simpler time.

Wrestling’s Most Prolific Mustaches:

5. Dan "The Beast" Severn; When talks of all time great mustaches arise (and they do happen, damn it!), Severn’s name always springs to mind. Severn is probably best known for his success in the UFC’s octagon, but it’s his impeccably groomed 'stache that has brought him most fame and fortune.  Although, the irony is, the man who is labeled the "Beast" actually looks a lot more like an air conditioner repairman than a practitioner of the deadly arts of underground shoot-fighting. But looks can be deceiving. You see, a sinister smile of sadism is hidden under that furry flap just waiting to break your arm without mercy. You just can't see it because his face is too fucking manly. With that said, one can definitely file Dan's celebrated mustache under "most feared" in the business.

4.Hulk Hogan; The Hulkster is one of wrestling’s last survivors of the mustache genocide that happened in the latter 1980’s. Hulk’s mustache in question started off as a simple radiated yellow strip above the mouth of the stark raving Hulkster, but sometime in 2002, it took on epic proportions. Hulk’s mustache at this point was only rivaled by that of Quaker-oats spokesperson and recipient of age-defying cocoon regeneration: Wilford Brimley, for sheer unbridled walrusness . Sadly, Hulk’s mustache, much like the dreaded flesh-eating bacteria, eventually consumed his entire face, killing him. He was 50.

3. Magnum T.A.; Magnum was a huge star in the NWA in the mid-1980’s, and named after fellow mustachio Tom Selleck and his Magnum P.I. character. The young Terry Allen bore a slight resemblance to the handsome TV star and thus a character was born (although the urge to saddle him with an ambiguously gay British sidekick thankfully never transpired.).

Magnum had the world at his feet in 1986, as he was being groomed for Championship glory when his career (and almost his life) was unceremoniously cut short when he drove his car into a utility poll. What is not known, however, is that it was the sheer sponginess of Magnum’s beloved mustache that actually saved his life! Cushioning the blow by acting as an air-bag, and thus keeping the young Terry Allen from suffering any permanent neck and brain-damage. Now that’s a mustache!

2. Big Bully Busick; Bully’s mustache is the mustache of legend, having first been seen in the 1860’s clubbing able bodied Irishmen as they got off the boat in New York harbor, then forcing them to work in the docks. It later attached itself to the face of Nick Busick in 1991 during a brief stint in the WWF, and much like the alien "host" in the movie of the same name, it proceeded to lay eggs in the Bully’s stomach, that eventually hatched, burst through his chest, and killed more than 2/3’s of the locker room. WWF has never spoke of it since. Or cared. Because at that point it was just Koko B. Ware and Hercules.

1. Scott Hall. Today Hall is best known as one of the founders of the nWo and a guy who’ll have no qualms about tackling your grandmother into the bushes depending on how much he had to drink that night. However, back during his formative years, the future Razor Ramon wore a mustache that was ENVIED by all those around him. In fact when historians (who often forsake traditional issues for mustaches. True Story) speak of the great mustaches of the twentieth century, the consensus is usually his, whilst twirling their monocles and sipping their Brandy's.

Hall possessed a push-broom that would make any sleazy hustler envious. In fact, with his feathered "halfro" and patented pussy tickler, Hall looked like he would be a helluva a lot more comfortable making swanky adult features, than applying variations of the abdominal stretch in the cold arenas of northern Minnesota.

Unfortunately though, in late 1990, Hall shaved off his bountiful mustache for good. And sadly, without ten pounds of well placed hair there to act as a sponge and absorb 90% of the contents of the bottle, Hall became an alcoholic.

So, there. And God bless mustaches. It's like a bush ugly can hide behind!

What You Gonna Do When BLUR-A Mania Runs Wild On You!

The following appeared on PWInsider.com

WWE recently filed a lawsuit against Marvel Comics so that they could maintain the rights to the "Hulk Hogan" name as they launch their WWE 24/7 Video On Demand service.

Bloomberg Newswire ran an article today in which Marvel claims that WWE's rights to the name expired this month, though WWE claims that they own the rights until March of 2005.

Without the Hogan name, WWE cannot market and distribute the WWF, WCW, and WWE matches that they want to use as part of the WWE 24/7 service.

WWE had originally licensed the rights from Marvel Comics back in 1985 when the company came forward saying that Hogan's ring name was infringing on the rights of the "Incredible Hulk" character, which was created by Stan Lee back in the 1960's.

The original agreement between the two sides covered the names "Hulk Hogan", "The Hulkster", and "Hulkamania."

One of the main reasons why WCW often pushed the "Hollywood" Hogan name rather than "Hulk Hogan" was due to the legalities of the actual Hulk Hogan name.

The WWE’s best bet is to just *restart* history at Montreal in 1997 and be done with it. Because eventually all traces of their legacy in the 1980’s will go the way of the Dodo. And I for one am not looking forward to watching WrestleMania 3 to see a large blurry distortion body slam that 700 pound Giant..Bruther.

All kidding aside, it will be interesting to see what WWE does here. After all, the Hulk Hogan material in their extensive library makes up a bulk of their most epic footage, and to edit every reference to "Hulk" would be a mind-numbing task to say the least. Like say watching all his matches. Ah, I kid.

But it wouldn’t surprise me if WWE fights it. This isn’t the first time they’ve been stubborn in the past. After all, if it wasn’t for them breaking their agreement with World Wildlife Fund by marketing "WWF" in Europe, the company would still be called World Wrestling Federation today.

But back to the Hulk issue, some have argued that there are no comparisons between the two (and WWE will probably argue this same point), and thus the comic book character has no reason to cite gimmick infringement. Ya, cause it’s not like both are impervious to pain….or rip out of their shirts…or are radioactive…oh wait. The only difference is one is green, while the other is orange. So very, very, orange.

Well, in closing, I guess WWE either will have to fork out the cash or get used to referring to the 1980’s phenomenon that was "Bollea-Mania".

But at least Hulk can still legally go by Hogan, well, at least until Crocodile Dundee crawls out from a bog in fucking Melbourne and takes his ass to a patent office….

Joanie Hates PACy

 “Treat me for who and what I am”- Chyna’s theme song.

I will. As soon as you tell me what that is.

Anyway, since I didn’t get to this little tidbit in last week’s column, I thought I’d do it now.

From PWInsider.com

Joanie "Chyna" Laurer was a guest on Howard Stern and provided some very interesting details.

Teased about her masculinity from start to finish, the former WWE wrestler claimed that X-Pac had already made the decision to return to WWE when he gets out of rehab. They recently broke up due to X-Pac's decision, and she claims that HHH got him back into WWE.

Additionally, Chyna released news that she and X-Pac apparently have a sex tape that she is willing to release. However, she fears that due to X-Pac's likely involvement with WWE, the tape's release may be blocked. She also put over that she would be judging the MISS TRANSSEXUAL PAGEANT.

Judging a Transsexual pageant? Probably NOT the best way to deter certain gender rumors, I’d think…

Anyway as far as the “sex-tape” goes, this of course *officially* puts her at the bottom of the “quasi-celebrity” barrel with other notables like Paris “if you painted me blue, I’d be the perfect Nightcrawler” Hilton and Pam Anderson. Now all she needs to do to sink to even further depths, is appear on a reality show where she fights someone as equally worthless as herself. Oh wait..

That said, eventually, Waltman responded, angry at Joanie for exposing his drug issues to the public, before GIVING AWAY THE FUCKING ADDRESS of the center himself.

However, my sympathies still go to X-Pac here, as when this tape does eventually surface, he’ll be in for a shock the likes of which have not been seen since the movie “The Crying Game”.

I can just picture the scene.

**X-Pac, face down on the bed biting down a pillow**:

X-Pac: “Joanie, do you always have to use that strap on?”

Chyna: "hehe..ya, that's what it is... a strap-on."

X-Pac: "Huh?"

Chyna: "Umm, nothing."

The scene then ends with Joanie running into the bathroom “Buffalo Bill-style” before Waltman can roll back over.

Man, the HORRORS that await this poor soul. But then again, I’m sure we’re in for some not-so viewer-friendly shots of X-Pac, too. Here’s to hoping a pantsless bronco-buster never transpires. Because if so, I'll be Chyna backflipping my ass off my balcony.

On second thought, this tape NEEDS to be released, so it can be destroyed, or at the very least exorcised by a bevy of  clergymen.

Bad Haire Day.

HILTON HEAD - A professional wrestler is facing assault charges on Hilton Head Island for allegedly throwing punches outside the ring. But he says he's the one getting unfairly slammed.

Sean Haire, 33, of Hilton Head, was charged with two counts of simple assault and battery after allegedly hitting, shoving and kicking two women at a bar last month.

According to arrest warrants, Haire - that's Sean O'Haire to his fans - assaulted the women at Club Hypnotic on June 12 at about 2:30 a.m.

According to arrest warrants, Haire allegedly hit Ivy Rowland "with an upward blow to the face and head, knocking her hat off and later shoved her to the floor."

The warrant claims Haire punched Deirdre Clancy "in her face, knocking her to the ground and then he kicked her in the head and back while she was on the floor. The victim sustained trauma to her head and back necessitating emergency room treatment and follow-up care."

But Haire, who is 6-foot-4 and weighs 270 pounds, said Wednesday the women attacked him.

He said he was in Club Hypnotic's VIP room when one of the women came up and started dancing against him. After he declined her attention, he claims she pushed him and he told a bouncer to "Get this stupid bitch away from me."

"I'm a professional fighter," he said. "If I was going to assault these people, they'd be in the hospital."

Oh that O’Haire sure is class act. “They’d be in the hospital”? Ya, that’d build A LOT more sympathy for your plight than, umm, “I would never hit a woman.”

But more so than that, I’m surprised he actually broke out such a stiff kick. I mean, had he shown that kind of workrate in the WWE, he’d still be under contract!  That said, one can imagine what his day in court will be like. And all I can say is, good luck winning over the judge that day when you’ve spent your time waiting for your case to come up by convincing the others on the docket that day that their crimes were all justified. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know...

Anyway, in our quest to get to the bottom of this story, we here at The Wrestling Fan.com actually were able to get our hands on the night club’s security camera footage! Above right you’ll see ACTUAL stills from the alleged assault.

First we see O’Haire forgetting to tell the woman in question “something she didn’t already know” which in this case was “DUCK, BITCH!”

From there, O’Haire, enraged at this point, actually scales the club’s flimsy strobe lighting and attempts the vaunted “Sean-Ton “Bomb from the scaffolding! Careening violently into the mass of drug-induced Ravers! I usually need at least 4 Heineken's before I even attempt this.

So, with all this in mind, we here at The Wrestling Fan, would like to give out our deepest condolences to those who were allegedly injured. And in a word of advice, if you’re going to harass a wrestler with short temper, causing him to attack, do make sure it’s Nathan Jones next time, so that way you can leave the premises completely unscathed….

Diva’s Search (And Destroy).

Last Monday’s Raw was one of the best booked in a long time…with one glaring exception. And I don’t think I need to tell you what that was.

Anyway, You get the impression that Vince probably thinks this is a "good idea", and apparently he knows his audience a little better than us, because this ABORTION has actually registered some TV ratings! OH, THE HUGE MANATEE.

God, I hate the world.

Anyway, still in denial, I decided to go to the infamous WWE chat room , home of the saddest, most pathetic creatures alive, to see what the score was, and low and behold, that’s all these fanboys talked about. Sweet Jesus. This couldn’t be catching on, could it? Still, though, not completely convinced, I seeked out some of the non-smark message boards and once again, it revealed my worst fear: PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS.

Arrrgghhhh. Anyway, I’m NOT above blatant T&A exhibitions. (Although, my own personal P&A Exhibitions don't seem to be catching on..and kinda get me arrested). In fact I wish that everyday women would settle their disputes like those in the WWE, being in a state of undress and dripping with pudding, but I just can’t believe people are actually putting any emotional investment into this thing.

Maybe if the “participants” were actually coached before they’re sent out like a Dear in the headlights and embarrass themselves. But no, it’s car crash TV its best. Only we’re the ones in the car that has the accident…

Take last Monday’s “Kamala” skit. Amusing for the first two times, then gets OLD, really fast. As a matter of fact, it reminded me of SNL in the mid-90’s where the skits were so lousy, that you actually felt uncomfortable for the actors bombing so badly.

This was the case on Monday. And if this thing isn’t rigged, it damn well should be. If only to avoid what happened on Monday. (“Are you from Hawaii?” Ya, Cunt there's A LOT of Giant spear carrying black people in HAWAII. Stay tuned next fall for a new Cop Drama "UGANDA 5-0". Holy shit.

And for as much stock as they’ve put in Carmella (the 2004 playmate of the year), she was the ABSOLUTE worst of the bunch, not even attempting to make an effort. I mean, she’s OK with giving Verne Troyer a hand-job in the playboy grotto, but participating in a Wrestling skit is “beneath” her? (Although, I still wish I was beneath her).  She should be voted off in my opinion on principle alone. Hey, wait! I've actually written about 7 paragraphs about this thing! Am I actually starting to care about this shit now? God help me…. God help us all!

Wrestling’s Most Celebrated Mullets!

Earlier we examined the beloved institution that was the wrestling mustache. And this week we’ll travel a little north of the head, to the very top, in fact, as we celebrate the hair-style most commonly associated with wrestling, and its fanbase, the Mullet!

So, without further adieu, here is Wrestling's FIRST Mullet Hall Of Fame!

THE INDUCTEES!

Scott Steiner; Before he was “Big Poppa Pump”, Scott Steiner was an All-American from Michigan university, throwing suplexes with reckless abandon…all while sporting a hairstyle that looked to be the famed cap of Davy Crockett surgically attached to his scalp.

What is not known, however, is much like the Biblical Sampson of Old Testament lore, Scotty too would lose his powers when he decided to lose his blessed mane. That, and his ability to coherently string together a sentence.

Today Scott is but a shell of his former self, broken and bitter, unable to reclaim past glories, as his TRUE legacy lies in the bottom of the dust pan of some nameless Bay-city Barber. What a waste.

The Undertaker; Before he was the “Deadman” we all remember, Undertaker debuted in the WWF sporting a hairstyle that looked less like someone who’d guide your soul safely across the River Styx, and more like someone holding up a lighter at a Styx concert….

Decked out like an 1800’s old-west mortician (despite black spandex being a rarity in the 19th century…) Taker proceeded to destroy all those who stood in his way; his bright red pelt acting as a reminder that this was one guy whom you didn’t want to mess with (either that, or someone whom you could score some quality weed from the back of his bitching airbrushed van).

Soon though, Taker began to grow his hair out, and ironically enough, it was the Mullet of The Undertaker who soon itself “Resting in peace”

Mike Awesome; Mike Awesome was one of the pioneers of the (failed) mullet comeback of the late 90’s.

Mike Awesome’s mullet is unique as its arguably the only hairstyle in history to possess a savage blood-lust, only quenched when one of Awesome’s opponents would be smashed through a table.

However, for all its cruel instincts, Awesome’s mullet possessed a strange symbiotic link to that of Billy Ray Cyrus, that at times, blinded Mike’s mission of pain with thoughts of snug fitting acid-wash jeans and romantic country ballads. It was said that as a result, Masato Tanaka (and many others) soon refused to work with him, after the former “Gladiator” began serenading him to “Achy-breaky heart” in mid-rest-hold. From there Mike left ECW, and ventured to WCW where he shed his trademark “do” for his true calling: FUCKING MORBIDLY OBESE WOMEN.

Ricky Morton; Morton is wrestling’s most celebrated and revered mullet, adorning the head of one half of the Rock N’ Roll Express for almost twenty years!

The R & R Express had a following like few others, mostly due to Ricky’s mullet that had the unique ability to derive unmitigated sympathy from all those in an arena… but more so than that, of the hairstyling community as a whole, who were said to “feel his pain” but for a completely unrelated reason….

Unfortunately, Ricky’s mullet wouldn’t stand the test of time, as the duo once beloved by thousands of teenage girls, aged terribly, with Morton giving birth to a paunch, while his partner, Robert Gibson strangely metamorphosed into SCTV personality & actor, Joe Flaherty. Some have speculated that like the picture of Dorian Gray, somewhere, there's a portrait of Ricky with a buzz-cut and still looking twenty. Maybe.

However, regardless, Ricky’s impact can still be felt to this day, a top the heads of countless low-income mothers across the country. So ,next time you see a welfare mom, cigarette dangling from her mouth, pushing a stroller, sixteen grocery bags hanging off the handles, don’t be afraid to give her a high-five and yell “Rock and Roll Forever!”... then dropkick her right in her mottled face, preferably with a friend simultaneously. This one’s for you, Ricky!

Mullet over.

(Feel free to nominate new potential mullet inductees Here)

Ok, people that’s it for me. I’ll be back soon with a song in my heart... and a roophie in my pocket. Just ignore that last part, and have a sip of this delicious beverage. You sure look thirsty!

I'm Sean.

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