Back-Leg Frontkick:
07/20/05: In This
Lazy Summer Edition, I Look At Matt Hardy: The
Excellence Of Edgucution, Between A Brock and A Hard Place,
Mr. Ass Is An Asshole, Vince McMahon In The White House, And
Getting To Know The Potential Divas! All This, Plus Much
More! Or Less! Whatever!
 Hey there, Cowboy. And
welcome to the Back-Leg Frontkick, the column that accepts you
completely, despite all your flaws ...then laughs at you
behind your
back.
Anyway, first and foremost,
this month is a busy one for North Americans (the
one's that don't wear sombreros), as it was first
long Holiday weekend of the Summer for both Canadians and
their hostile neighbors to the south, America, with both
"Canada Day" and of course Independence Day. Now, with
that said, I completely understand WHY
Americans
celebrate this day, as it was the moment they cast off the
British forever and adopted their OWN identity. (And you know, the
British MAY have fared a little better had they not worn those
stupid fucking red coats...you know, that people could
probably see coming for miles. I mean, why not just
have them wear clown suits and do fucking backflips down
the battlefield? It would probably be more subtle.).
However, we
Canadians do not share this same luxury. In fact, I don't
even know what the protocol is for this Holiday, or even what
the fuck we're actually celebrating. And unlike Americans, we
still have to suck at the time ravaged teat of the British
Empire, call our lawyers "barristers" and "solicitors",
with some people in our parliament actually still wearing
powdered wigs, and then do doubt slapping each other in the
face with a lone white glove so to declare their intentions
for pistols at dawn. It's all tremendously gay, and archaic.
Canada: Where it's 1760
Forever.
And if that’s not bad enough, we
still even have a representative of the Queen sitting in
on said Parliament; because us, Gosh darn unruly Canadians
can't be trusted to run our own government!! Who knows, we
might just revolt~! Maple syrup will flow down the streets!
We'll FORCE people to be polite and pick up their garbage...
EVEN IF THEY DON'T WANT
TO. Beavers will be everywhere! Trees will
fall...then 2 will be replanted in their
place seconds later! The word "about" will become
obsolete! IT WILL BE
ANARCHY.
In any
event, this is why, unless it's Stanley Cup season, we
Canadians don't have much to celebrate. We have no real
discernable identity of our own. We're basically just the
British, only with no accents, lumber-jackets, a decent
pigment to our skin, and a full mouth of teeth. There's
not much to be proud of....
 OR IS
THERE?
You see,
there is one Canadian export that
we can all truly rally behind (hopefully literally) and
revere. That Canadian is....
TRISH
STRATUS. And the best part is, all her
best parts were probably purchased right there in the United States, so it's like
we share a bond! Your
implants....our body! It truly is
one hand washing the other! (for obvious reasons). So, fear
not my fellow down-trodden Canadian friends; and rejoice in
the true glory of Canada: Trish Stratus! Now there's a
Beaver I could really get into!
Now that I've alienated a lot of people,
let us move on....
HEADLINES!
COMPLETELY RANDOM NEWS!
If you follow this site (and how dare
you not), you're more than likely familiar with this concept.
I take random news headlines from reputable places like
Wrestling Observer and PWInsider and destroy that journalistic
integrity at the expense of some tasteless jokes and bad
opinions. I'm silly like that.
MATT HARDY:
WRESTLING (WITH HUGE) SHADOWS.
 Are you sick of
every single wrestling post you read online being about Matt
Hardy? And tired because every single nuance and angle
has already been covered ad-nauseum, to the point where you
now feel like making the V.1 hand sign...just so you can
plunge it into your brain... if only to finally stop the
pain of having to EVER read anything more about it? Well, if
the answer to this is "yes", I'm gonna go ahead and pretend
you said "no", because here's the latest....
As
we noted several days ago, Matt hardy was contacted by WWE
several days before the RAW wedding angle. They asked him if
he would wait it out several weeks before signing with TNA as
they were interested in trying to work out an angle for a
return. Sources indicate that fan reactions over the past
several months have indicated to Vince McMahon that Hardy has
the [potential to be something else and sell merchandise. The
issue is that there are obviously emotional problems between
the two.]
This places Hardy in a really
good position as he's become a very talked about hot commodity
who has his pick of the litter in the near future, even if WWE
doesn't make him an offer to return. Hardy is at the point he
can pretty much write his own ticket on the independents
(where some promoters have claimed he is asking for
$2,500-$3000 a shot), TNA, or even possibly
Japan
. If course, as it stands, there is also
a distinct possibility he can head back into World Wrestling
Entertainment (if they make him an offer) with an angle that
fans are literally asking for weekly. In many ways, Hardy's
current situation could be compared somewhat to Bret Hart's red hot momentum after the
Montreal
incident in November 1997, although WCW
completely dropped the ball on that once Hart debuted for
them. (PWinsider.com)
Haha.
Right now, there's no doubt a lot of dudes out there
sitting, much like I am, wiping the mustard from their
fat faces onto their aged, shredded 1998 Austin
T-shirts, yelling out "I knew it!", then taking
full credit for "calling" that WWE airing Matt's entrance
theme was proof of WWE's grandiose scheme to bring Matt
back. We're such losers.
Anyway, I like the analogy that the Matt
situation is akin to Bret Hart in 1997. Only with all the
fucking guns Matt Hardy carries these days (he's making
Punisher look like Ghandi in comparison), I'd be terrified to
see how literally he'd take the
Hitman character. Or am I? Maybe, just maybe, a stray bullet
will hit a throng of Diva hopefuls, and save us A LOT
of grief. I 'm willing to take that chance. Matt, how are
you at handling a bazooka?
The downside though, would be WWE stating
ad-nauseam that Matt Screwed
Matt. If only that were true, though. He would have
saved himself a lot of trouble! And unlike every time he
pulled out of Lita, he wouldn't somehow find a strange
crumpled lucha mask hanging from the end of his
member. Chances are I just wanted to say
that.
Anyway, the only difference between
Bret & Matt, at this stage, is that Bret was an
established long time main-eventer, and he had legs (well had
legs...damn Canadian bicycles!), even long after the heat
of that incident died down. Matt at this point doesn't have
the same legs. Of course, no one's seen his legs because
they've been housed in pajama pants for 6 years. But
whatever. I don't even know what I'm talking about
anymore.....
In any event, before I continue to
ramble, here's a recent post Matt made about possibly
returning to the WWE on his website, while likely shoeing a
fat girl off the side of his house. The whole thing
should be in her Sig by morning...
 Greetings Amigos!
I
hope this message finds everyone healthy and happy. Recently,
it seems that alot of people are discussing several different
possible scenarios in my future. There's a ton of speculation
about everything concerning Matt Hardy these days--but I want
all of my fans and supporters to know that I have always been
honest with them. With that said, I have a hypothetical
question for everyone. In a perfect world, where do you wish
Matt Hardy would end up wrestling in the future and why? If
you respond, put some time and thought into your answer--I
look forward to seeing what everyone says. Until
then...
And herein
lies the conundrum. We all know that WWE fans have been
clamoring for his return with the same intensity Lita does
strange dick south of the border, but where does he go from
there? I mean, there's always Kane, I suppose, but in my
experience, feuding with Kane is where your career goes to
die. It's true. It's probably how he continues to be immortal
and impervious to pain. He sucks the very life essence out of
anything he touches. I wonder if we could get him involved
with the Diva hopefuls?
Please?
The funny
thing is, WWE's roster, like Lita's
glorious huge titties, is really stacked on RAW now,
and even if they got a program, it would likely play second
fiddle to a myriad of boring manufactured programs that no one
really gives two shits about (except WWE's imbecilic creative
team.). The fact is, things will probably be huge
for about a month or so, then we'll just see A LOT of mixed
tags with Edge/Lita Vs. Matt & Trish. And then Edge
will then move onto the WWE Title, and Matt will end up in a
midcard program no one cares about, or dry humped in the ring
by Viscera. PAJAMAS VS. PAJAMAS. The World's Largest Love
Machine vs. a man who's seen the World's Largest Lovehole.
It's like the Sarlaac pit in Jedi! Only with more masked
men inside! Ahem.
But hey,
that's just the way of things. But still, at the end of that
day, I still think the WWE is the best idea. Even a small
window of mega fame and heat is better than none at all. The
alternative is having a douchebag in a Green Lantern shirt
grade your matches, or laying underneath the heaving body of
Jeff Jarrett, with pieces of confetti guitar everywhere. WWE
is definitely the right choice. And after that, he can
hopefully maintain a spot on the uppercard, and live out his
contract comfortably. Hey, maybe a Canadian fucking your
Girlfriend was the best thing to ever happen to you? (Ladies,
did I mention I was Canadian?). After all, if Edge had not
made a Money-in-sperm-bank deposit into Lita, you might have
just been relegated to Sunday nights forever, ducking Tyson
Tomko's big boot of DEATH. (Not that it would connect anyway).
And that's a fate no man deserves! Especially a Avenger of
wrongdoings (How about getting me money back on the Monday
Night Wars DVD?).
So, there
you have it. Clearly WWE is the best option for Matt, long
term. Now, just pray that WWE
creative doesn't ever take a look at your forum... and
repackage you ala Mike Awesome, as Matt Hardy, The Fat Chick
Thriller. I can just picture the sigs
now.
SHOOTING FROM THE ASS.
Recently, WWE's former Mr. Ass and
current TNA Outlaw (Where's a "Wanted: dead or
alive" poster when you really need it?), Billy Gunn, appeared
on the "Voice of wrestling" show and buried everyone from
Triple H to Trish Stratus, the latter of whom he
described as "a piece of shit" (BLASPHEMY!).
So, much like the way we dismantled
Rochelle Loewan here, let us look at a few Billy
Gunn quotes, and tear Monty Sopp a new "Mr.
Asshole."
He's (Triple H) an evil person. When
you're up there...everybody knows that he runs the show and if
he doesn't like it, or he doesn't like you, he'll say one
thing in front of you, but he'll turn right around and stab
you right in the back".
 Normally,
I'd have jumped on this, saying "See,
here's our proof!" Triple H is EVIL and he's holding people
back! BLARRRGHHH!". But when it comes from Billy Gunn...a man who was more
forced down your throat than a date with Kobe, it's kind of
hard to take it too seriously. I mean, how many
big pushes did Mr Ass get? And how can that possibly
sound any less gay? Only Custom Chucky P truly knows
for sure.
Besides, for all I goad Trips for
being overexposed, he is still a GREAT wrestler, a decent
promo man with great comedic timing, and a credible talent.
Even if his natural inclination is to lay on top of
more men than Paris Hilton. Long before he
was dropping the bald-headed champ into Steph's gorge,
he'd have still deserved to be in the top of the card in
WWE. Billy-boy can't say the same thing. Even after only
"getting over" after being ALIGNED with that same HHH. If
it wasn't for DX (in which he was easily the least
entertaining member), he'd still be wearing a cowboy hat,
sporting a 80's porn stache, shooting off cap guns in the
ring, and having JR put him over by telling us that he
went to college on a Rodeo scholarship. Seriously. That was
the hard-sell.
Dean of Rodeo Students:
"I'm sorry, we'd accept you into this College, but your grades
in "roping" are too low. Maybe if you up your GPA in cleaning
up horse-shit behind the barn, and getting speared in the
asshole by a bull while wearing a clown suit, we'll
talk.. ".
But
still, it gets better....
He continued by saying that he's not
jealous of Triple H or the spot he's got, although he's heard
that from people. "Nobody's got the spot he's got, because
he's an ass-kisser and I was never that".
Billy's right. He's not as Ass kisser.
Who has time for kissing ass when you're doing god
knows what to one? Hey, your theme song CAN'T lie! See for
yourself!
I love to love 'em
I love to kick 'em
I love to shove 'em
I love to stick 'em
Love to flaunt 'em
I love to watch 'em
I love to pick 'em (me too, But I'd never
admit it)
And I'm gonna kick 'em
'Cause I'm an Ass Man
Yeah, I'm an Ass man
Yes I'm an Ass man (OH!)
I'm an Ass Man
So many asses,
so little time
Only a tight one, can
stop me on the dime
I'm a lover, of
every kind (every kind?)
The best surprises always sneak up from
behind (I think Patterson has this on a
shirt somewhere)
Hey! Billy is RIGHT. It
doesn't say ANYWHERE in this list of ass-related activity
that he kisses them. Score one for Credibilly!
Anyway from there:
"wrestling is fake. It's not real.
Whether you win or lose, it's all how you present that in the
end. I promise you, I've lost a lot of matches, but that's not
what they remember. They just remember that they saw a hell of
a match and they were entertained to no end, but they couldn't
tell you who won.
Can you tell me when this entertaining
match you had took place? Because I'd really like to watch it
sometime....
And finally, after the aforementioned
comment about Trish, he had this to say:
"What they have between them is what they
have everywhere that you have chicks. You know, jockeying for
position, one takes something wrong and the shit hits the fan
and then it's on. You have a bunch of girls up in New York and
I can't tell you [about] the bitching, bickering,
everything..it's just a bunch of crap. It's just women in
general. That's what they do when they have a bunch of other
women around them that's kind of impeding on their territory,
they start getting a little crazy".
TESTIFY! Man, women ARE crazy! I mean who
could put up with that?! It almost makes a guy want to go out
and saddle up with someone like Chuck Palumbo and get married,
eh? Oh wait.
Ok, ok, so I didn't really
offer A LOT of insight here, and just basically made a lot of
jokes at Monty's expense. Sue me (but please don't, I
have so very little.) .
GET YOUR ASPIRIN READY, BECAUSE HERE
COMES THE PAIN!
 Last time we left
our friend Brock, he was pleading his case in court, trying to
get out of the no-compete clause he hastily signed last year,
just so he could accomplish his dream of never making the NFL.
However, new events have surfaced, and it looks like the only
pleading Brock is doing is on his hands and knees, as you'll
see by the following....
The Bismarck Tribune has an interview up
with Brock Lesnar where he says he hopes to get a second
chance in WWE from Vince McMahon.Lesnar says he was not ready
for WWE during his first run.
"I wasn't ready for what (McMahon) had
put on my plate," Lesnar said. "I couldn't eat it all. I tried
to, you know. That's just me being me. He asked me, 'Are you
ready for this?' And I just said, 'Bring it on. Let's go.' I
wasn't ready to be traveling 300 days a year," he said. "I
wasn't ready for the money. I wasn't ready for the
responsibilities. I wasn't ready to be a father. I wasn't
ready to be a husband. I wasn't ready for a lot of things. I
had a lot of growing up to do. I was forced to grow up."
Hey, he
forgot the part where he regrets dating a woman (Sable, seen
here) old enough
to have babysat Noah. Not to mention as a result of dating
Rena Mero, he's unable to urinate without painfully
clutching his member and screaming out "Here comes the
pain!" ( Could I make any more bad
"Here comes the pain", puns? YOU BET I
COULD!).
Anyway, there's really not
anything I can add to this situation that I haven't said a
million times before. Truthfully, I just wanted an excuse to
use the picture you see to the above left.....
The Seventh
Seal Has Been
Broken....
Say it ain't
so....
RAW
scored a 4.4 rating last night, its highest number of the
year. The highest rated segments of the show was the Diva
Search II segment and the overrun featuring Hulk Hogan, both
doing 4.7s. The lowest quarter hour was a 3.7.
Quick, someone check the guff and see if
there are any souls left! Seriously though, who'd have thunk
it? Who'd have EVER known that all we had to do to turn
business around was to build the show around a
manufactured, egotistical, bleached blond with NO
BUSINESS being in a wrestling ring.....and the Diva search contestants. And
speaking of which; how about that "Bikini Boot
Camp", eh?... which I'm assuming is not standard military
practice. Because if so, holy shit, no wonder this war is
taking so long! Maybe teach those guys how to shoot,
and maybe drop a few bombs! We'll be there forever if all
those guys are doing is shimmying through a ball-pit in a
Speedo! Ahem.
But hey, whatever. I'm just sad
Sarge didn't break out some custom moves for the Divas in
their honor. The Camel-toe clutch, maybe? The Slaughter umm,
Canyon? I don't know. But what I do know is, whether we like
it or not, apparently the Hogan/ Divas connection is RATINGS,
dude. Dropping legs and spreading legs. It's a winning
combination! Bruther.
 VINCE MCMAHON:
THE PRESIDENTIAL
REFORM~!:
A few months ago, I looked at the
potential Presidential campaign of the
Ultimate Warrior and
what a Warrior-led America would possibly be
like (borders divided by ROPES, baby. Who'd dare mess
with Warrior there?) under his ULTIMATE leadership.
Well, now, it's time to look at *another*
possible candidate to throw his name into this very ring:
VINCENT KENNEDY
MCMAHON. Who just might want to think about
possibly changing that middle name if indeed he does get
involved in politics. Or at least start wearing a bullet-proof
vest under that hound's-tooth jacket. Trust me on
that.
But seriously (only not really), whom
better than Vince succeed George W. Bush as President? I mean,
it's not like he can't also relate to being handed the reins
by his father, and then subsequently running that vision into
the ground through mismanagement and paranoia. Oh
ya.
But what would be in store for the
country itself, if McMahon was to be elected? Well, you
know, besides obviously gobbling up Canada and the Mexico as
new "states" then blaming it on them and their predatory
practices. I actually have these answers. Below, is the listed
Reforms one Vince
McMahon would make to the country and its laws if in
fact he was elected. Or maybe he'll just purchase the
entire country for around 4 million dollars. It'll be all
worth it, if only to see him publicly fire Dick Cheney by
bizarrely spelling "Goonnee". I can't
wait.
Here are the
Reforms!:
-Cut off all relations to places like
Japan, because the majority of the population is under six
feet tall.
-Raises taxes 300% to pay for the 350
billion dollar Diva search.
-Changes the country's name to United
States Entertainment.
-Hires the Bashams to head up the secret
service. He's subsequently assassinated inside 10
minutes.
-Has Stephanie rewrite the constitution
and Bill of rights and remove all continuity and add more
jokes with “poop” and “asses”.
-Retools the military, replacing hand to
hand combat and weapons with moves like the scissors-kick,
while desperately hoping the enemy has the decency to stay
bent over upward of 30 seconds so they can pull it
off.
-Every female in his cabinet will go on a
brief leave of absence then return with larger breasts then
they previously had.
-Charges 40 dollars plus tax to hear the
State of the Union Address. Subsequently schedules 15
addresses for 2006-2007.
-Attorney General Jerry Lawler has the
national age of consent lowered to twelve or "whenever it is
when they get boobs".
-“Inexplicably” plans nuclear missile
testing for Nashville &
Orlando.
-Has the United Nations officially
disbanded when several of the other countries don’t say
“Hello” to The Undertaker and shake his
hand.
-Agrees to Canada’s terms over softwood,
only to double cross them with the help of Earl Hebner and
Shawn Michaels.
-Creates a controversial new economic
system: “Thuganomics” where the money of small children and
overweight teenaged girls “trickle down”…into his pockets.
-Declares war on both France and Quebec.
Just because.
-Misunderstands the 2nd amendment, and
changes it to the “Right to Bare Arms”, encouraging people to
wear tear-away muscle shirts.
-Hires Jake
Roberts to head up the new and approved D.E.A. Drugs
subsequently disappear completely from the streets, only to
later end up in Jake’s apartment, with his solemn vow to
destroy them …eventually.
-At the behest of Jim Ross, Vince
reinstates the Government Mule
program.
-Finally has the Twin Towers
rebuilt…in the likenesses of Big Bossman and
Akeem.
Sounds like a solid plan to
me.
GETTING TO KNOW THE
POTENTIAL DIVAS!!!!!!
Normally, this is where our friend
Richard Waters would chime in with his weekly take on the
vaunted WWE Divas Search. However, Richard is currently
dealing with that hurricane causing all kinds of destruction
down south (seen here
in a TWF *exclusive*) and thus, I have decided in his stead to
give my own personal synopsis of the contest as it stands. That way, at least you'll know more
about the women you're so haphazardly masturbating to,
all while hoping your significant other doesn't catch you
in the act. Call it a public service! (Or brutally bad time
filler. Either/or.).
 First and foremost,
we had our first elimination last week, when Alexis was
voted off. She blamed her bad showing in the Bikini Boot Camp,
while the rest of the world likely blamed it on the fact that
she kind of looked like a transvestite. And hey, it could
have happened! After all, this *is* a company that
once had Mark Henry fellated by a man in drag, had an old
woman impregnated (by the very same Mark Henry. Poor
motherfucker), pushed Chyna as a sex symbol... despite
her being more hung than half the locker room, and alluded to
Kane fucking a corpse. So, ya, it's possible.
ENTERTAINMENT~!
Turns out
though, that Alexis didn't secretly have a penis, and is in
fact very much a woman. So, feel free to now toast
your loads with a clear conscience! All kidding aside though,
to Alexis' credit, she at least *tried* to portray a
"character", even if it made no sense. (Pristine bitch to beer
guzzling hillbilly in .25 seconds flat.).
Anyway,
Alexis took her voting-off in stride, and has since moved on
from the down and dirty world of pro-wrestling, to a much more
dignified and high-brow world of.... stripping buck-assed
naked in televised strip poker. Clearly she made the right
choice.
Today,
you'll find Alexis putting over her new gig at the
National Lampoon site, and showing entirely more passion for
the wrestling industry and raw charisma than she ever did
on WWE camera. Strange. And oh ya, she even shows
off her titties there, too! (see HERE). And I don't know about you, but in my
ever-so-humble opinion, big bare cans >
lingerie pillow fights. Call me crazy.
 This past Monday was
supposed to be a "trash talking" segment where the Diva
hopefuls each tear into each other with the same ferocity
in which Tammy Sytch currently obliterates a lumberjack
breakfast, but sadly, thanks in part to SpikeTV censors, it
didn't quite work out that way, thanks to last year's edition that will
live in infamy for burning the lexicon "Cum-guzzling
gutter slut" into our collective memories forever. However,
this week, we were "treated" to this year's batch of hopefuls
verbally accosting one another with cries of "You should be a
Victoria's secret model!" and "You should be walking a run-way
in Milan!". Oh, the Humanity! Way to deliver the
death blow, girls.
In any
event, the segment ran short (Thank the maker), and the only
one to squeeze even an oodle of charisma out of their plastic
body was Elisabeth, who came across very dry, without being
campy in her insults towards Kristal and her "body
painting". Of course not that this really mattered. At
the end of the day, WWE is going to market the person they
*really* want to anyway, but still, hats off (and pants, too)
to Elisabeth for now. I'd give you a courtesy clap, if I had
both hands free.
 Next up we have
Kristal, the one African-American in the contest, and if you
go by WWE's track record, she'll be going the way of the
dodo bird by month's end (unless she secretly marries
Booker T..... which apparently is the only way a Sista gets to
keep her job in this fucking place.).
Anyway, last
week we learned that Kristal's "talent" was diving tits first
into blue paint and rolling around on a giant piece of paper
like the world's most retarded Kindergarten student; you
know, before emerging from her "masterpiece" looking
like Papa Smurf blew his load on her chest. And to quote
the Joker, "I don't know if it's art, but I like it." But
still, what is it that compels these Divas to plunge
themselves cunt first into pies, paint, ice cream and God
knows what else? I try to get my girlfriend to drive her ass
into various baked goods on a daily basis, but still, no dice.
What's your secret, WWE? Am I using the wrong pie? I don't get
it.
Anyhoo, I
did a little digging (I can't believe I'm admitting this) and
Kristal was actually one of the prize models on the Price is
Right, uncovering European vacations and mopeds for heroes who
just conquered the relentless beast that is PLINKO....
while simultaneously fending off the time-ravaged hands of Bob
Barker who cups your ass while dispensing advice about having
your dogs and cats nuts snipped off. It was a crazy, crazy
scene, man. But with that in mind, if Kristal gets the Ol'
Heave-Ho, I INSIST that it's done while this music plays in the foreground.
 Leyla of course made
waves for her "nip-slip" on RAW while running the course in
Bikini Boot Camp. Upon closer inspection, we learned that this
COMPLETELY SPONTANEOUS AND NOT PRE-PLANNED EXPOSURE was not
exposure at all, as Leyla was wearing red stickers over her
nipples the entire time. Huh. Can't really blame her
there. I know whenever I
run an obstacle course, I always make sure to paste red
stickers to my genitals just in case my pants come flying off
in the throws of a grueling potato sack race. Sometimes you
just can't be too careful.
Anyway, faux
nipple-slipples aside, Leyla has as much charisma as a sack of
potatoes. But still, once she shook her ass, I forgot that I
usually go for women with a modicum of intelligence and class.
That is why guys are the most shallow, brainless fucks on the
planet. But don't blame us. You don't think badly of a
mongoloid when he eats a glue-stick or sticks his finger in
the light socket, right? Because he can't help it. That's just
the way he is, right? And it's the same with us! You
shouldn't get mad when we get mesmerized by a sweet, sweet
ass. It's biology, baby! And you can't fight Science.
:)
 Ashley is our token
skater chick, and if that holds any water, the same
demographic that buys ridiculously inflatable John Cena
knuckles, and wears pants baggy enough to smuggle over an
entire Vietnamese Boat family, will FINALLY have THEIR VOICES
HEARD.... all while secretly dreaming of a day where
Skater Ashley does Oley's off their cocks. Good luck there,
chief.
Anyway,
apparently Ashley comes from a "wrestling family", but which
family it is has yet to be revealed. I just hope for her sake
it isn't the Von Erich's.....
Oh, and
before I forget, she's also posed nude. She's clearly the frontrunner in this
thing. And not just because Johnny Ace has *finally* found a
woman whom will be impressed by his like totally
rad Skate-boarding prowess.
 Cameron, a tall drink
of water from Florida (and I got the stirring stick to go with
it), is apparently fluent in French! (I'd like to show
her my umm "Eau face"). And if you ask me, that
alone is reason enough to vote her off. (Just
kidding).
Anyway, what Cameron
really has going for her, is the fact that she alone is
the ONLY Diva search contestant to have real tits. And the
best part is, she doesn't seem to have a problem showing
them off, as three separate appearances in Playboy
will attest to. Did I mention that
Cameron's profile also says she's a proponent of "wine
tasting"? She better be careful, there's a few guys backstage
that might just take advantage of that hobby! That ain't
Alka-Seltzer!
 It's Time! It's
Time!... It's...SUMMER TIME!....... And hey, it's just a
matter of time, just like Vader, before she'll end up
with a jock stop over her face, too. Albeit for a disturbingly
different reason. I can get behind that. Umm, a few times. At
varying speeds.
Until
that day, though, I'll always have the memory of her
tanking it on her ass after a high kick. (Unless that wasn't
her...in that case.... never mind? I don't
know.).
Anyway, in
an attempt to familiarize you with Summer, I looked up her
profile:
Summer was Miss July Hawaiian Tropic
International 2005 who has been on the cover of DialD
magazine. She has a psychology degree from LSU
and was a competitive gymnast and cheerleader in college.
Summer loves adventure and has been sky-diving, rock climbing
and bungee jumping.
Heh. Sky-diving, rock climbing, bungee
jumping, and now demeaning yourself on National TV by jumping
rope in a bikini? Maybe she needs use that fucking
degree to check herself into a
mental institution? "Hi, I'm Summer! I have a PHD in
Molecular science, but my real passion is to do jumping jacks
topless!".
 And finally, we have
Simona; voted off this past Monday, despite the fact that she
has CONNECTIONS
WITH SCOTT FUCKING
BAIO. And if Chachi can't get your ass
in the door and on the road to superstardom, than
clearly it's hopeless.
Anyway, when
not associating with "A-Listers" like Scott Baio and
a clinically insane Gary
Busey, she's making movies alongside
Paris Hilton, where she no doubt beat off (not to be
confused with her next career) stars like Angelina Jolie
and Julia Roberts to nab the plum role of "Flashing Girl" in
the yet to be released Jason Mewes vehicle "Bottoms up". So,
don't cry for Simona. She'll be just fine. Snoochie boochie,
Simona Noochie.
Ok, that's
it. I can't take this anymore. I'm done. Clearly,
we're not any smarter now that we've gotten through this
whole ordeal; in fact, I'll even wager that we're stupider as
a result. But don't shoot the messenger, smart guy, I don't
write this shit, I just report it.
Ok, folks, that's it for this month. I'll
be back soon; although, I'm making no promises. This Diva
Search has made me lose the will to live. If WWE was smart they'd somehow get the U.S.
government to drop videos of it over Iraq. We'd have
unconditional surrender by morning. So, unless I throw myself
on a grenade like those insurgents would be after watching
"Bikini Boot Camp", I'll see you soon. Maybe. Probably
not.
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And
he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot.
Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto
Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured
AIDS.
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