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Back-Leg
Frontkick: 06/17/05: In
This Jam-Packed Edition, I Help Matt
Hardy Start Dating Again, Explore Heidenreich's
Strange Transformation From Cole-Raping Poet To
Pied Piper; JBL Serves Blue Meanie A Low-Carb
Potato, Harlem
Sewer Mall-Rats,
Orton's Shit Doesn't Stink, Plus The TWF
Debut Of "If They Mated!". All This, Plus Much
More!
 Hey
there, and welcome back to the column that is a
lot like case of herpes; although it may lay
dormant for a while, it always pops up when you
least expect it: The Back-Leg
Frontkick.!... Doctor approved, and the best
source for your daily weekly
monthly intake of mindless bullshit.
Anyway, I
know this column has been as frequent as a blowjob
after ten years of marriage, but that's all
changed! I'm back, baby!...well, for this
week anyway. From there, I'll probably go back to
doing nothing, and pretty much feeling zero guilt
about it. I'm silly like that.
In any event, first and
foremost, I have to plug the contest to end all
contests: THE 2005 TWF
SATIRE SEARCH!
The feel good
event of the year, and the only place where a
person can find a home amongst other disgruntled,
broken, bitter people who spend far too much time
talking about dude's in their underwear. And
you too can have a home here, where you'll
be respected, loved, and perhaps even violated
while you sleep! Sound good? Well, all you have to
do is click here for the contest
guidelines, and soon you could be on your
way to spreading bad taste to the fat masses and
annoying everyone who doesn't understand our
twisted little way of thinking here. And that's
not all! It wouldn't be a contest if you didn't
get your fat little grubby paws on a PRIZE, right?
(well, besides my friendship, which I've
calculated to have a net worth of about 55
Canadian dollars). So, get to it. Because, after
all, what do you have to lose? (Well, besides the
contest...and your
dignity...).
Moving
on….
A LOT has
happened since I last left you, and we’ll get to
all that wrestling goodness with a ferocity only
seen when Stephanie tackles a full course
breakfast in a moment; but first, to briefly
follow-up the last BLFK, Warrior never did arrive,
luckily sparing me the “fisticuffs” he promised so
many of his other detractors (fisticuffs meaning
about 13 consecutive running clotheslines before
collapsing in the corner to catch his breath).
Still though, there is a minute chance he could
STILL arrive any day now, because after all, it
is a pretty long fucking run
fromArizona to Ontario….
Hey, I
have (bitter) opinions! Let’s hear
‘em!...
WRESTLING
DIARRHEA
Normally,
I’d just start with headlines floating
around the net, but there’s far too many things I
wanted to talk about first in no particular
order. And hence “Wrestling Diarrhea” was born;
for which the purging of my opinions will have the
same effect as the uncomfortable, painful,
unending flow of shit purged from the human body
when one is painting the bowl. The only difference
is I’ll be using the figurative image of
Vince McMahon to wipe my “ass”, instead of
Cottonelle.
And oh ya,
in case you’re wondering, I’m not really such a
sarcastic asshole, I just play one on the
Internet….
Heidenreich: Be His Friend!...Or
Die!
 Let
us all do the Heidenreich March!...and try to
forget that a giant Aryan superman marching around
MAY not be the most sensitive image to a lot of
folks…
Anyway, our friend Heidenreich
has gone through quite the change lately, as we’ve
seen old’ “Pseudo Sid” transform from rumored
frozen Nazi (who apparently was unthawed just in
time to play a few seasons for the Saints), to
discovering the joys of poetry and anally raping
Michael Cole against the locker room door while
reading said Haiku. And I don’t know about you,
but there is clearly only one place to go after
sexually ruining a lead broadcaster against his
will….and that’s surrounding yourself with
children! Holy shit.
In any
event, Heidenreich, seemingly just wants a
"friend" now, and in the interim seems to be
drawing his power by associating with as many
underage children as possible (hey, does Rob
Feinstein know of this blatant trademark
infringement?!). And as a result, WWE has
even created a page
on their website where your children
can send in their PHOTOS, and pledge their
unwavering friendship to a 7 foot man, whom I’ve
never once seen wear a single pair of pants
in the last two years. Man, what a great, and
not-at-all inappropriate and creepy
idea!
But all things aside, I still
felt compelled to send my picture in, if
only to see my bearded visage appear on TV with a
slew of school age children, just to freak people
out. And besides, to be totally honest,
Heidenreich is still a lot more interesting than
most of my *real* friends. They don't fuck
strangers in the ass nearly as much as this guy.
So, Hedenreich, I'll be your friend. I
just won’t let you read me any poetry. Or
I'll at least wear a chastity belt over my
pristine arsehole while you
do.
Flying Too Close To The Sun On Wings Of
Pastrami
There are
two words I never thought I’d ever hear
uttered in the same sentence, and that was
“Viscera” and “entertaining”, but I have to admit,
that’s exactly what he’s been
lately.
The WWE
has christened the former Mabel, the “500 pound
Love Machine” despite the fact at that
weight, it'd be impossible to "love
anything" because his dick
would probably resemble an acorn sitting on
his balls. But hey, that’s beside the
point.
The funny thing is, Big Vis is actually
registering decent ratings, hence why he’s been so
prominently featured. And here I thought the only
shapeless black blob to draw big numbers was
Oprah. Shows what I know. And that’s the
thing, you never know what will catch on in the
WWE. But you have to run with it. Or in Vis's
case, walk ploddingly slow so to not die with
it. Even if it is a morbidly obese black
vampire named after internal organs lecherously
hitting on ring announcers. (I see it happen
everyday).
Now, if only they could bring
back Sir Mo, and rechristen him, I don’t know,
“Colonary Tract” (because after all, both produce
a lot of shit) I could die a happy man. Men on a
Mission ...to
fuck every white woman on the roster! And eat
everything in sight! It would be
GOLD.
 WWE “Feces” The
Truth.
So, it looks like after two
months of having to hear crowds chant “You screwed
Matt”, WWE has finally buckled
and gave the crowd what they really
wanted…. Edge & Lita as an onscreen
“couple”….only without the guy who actually
warranted the chants…umm, Matt Hardy... you know,
the guy who Lita really cheated on, and the
guy who elicited the outpour of emotion. Not that
Kane's plight to avenge the betrayal of a woman he
tricked into fucking then forced into marriage
isn't sympathetic...
See, this is why people
say the WWE is clueless now. I mean, how do you
draw money from a “controversy” when the guy whom
the people actually sympathizes with, isn’t even
involved. (as Harry said to me, look for WWE to
reveal Kane’s real name is “Matt Kane” to fill in
all the loopholes…). I mean, that’s the equivalent
of doing fucking Montréal screwjobs without
Bret Hart. Oh wait.
But on a lighter note, this
whole angle is getting hilariously ridiculous.
First, Lita
ONLY NOW decides to get a “divorce”?
“You know, Dr. Phil, I know he forced me
into sex, murdered my true love on my wedding day,
and indirectly cost me my baby, but damn it, I
thought I could make it work!”. Come on.
Seriously. I don’t know about you, but if I was
forced to marry an evil monster , I might
not wait 10 months to get a divorce. But hey,
maybe she just wanted half of everything he owned?
Which I guess would be a mask, a
cheerleader's outfit stained with semen, and umm,
that's about it. Good thinking, Lita. It was
really worth it.
However, Kane isn’t exactly
coming out of this thing with a lot of
credibility, either. I mean, the dude was burned,
put in a mental institution, betrayed by both is
father AND brother, crushed my a limo, fell into a
dumpster filled with fire, had this throat
crushed, and still, he keeps on trucking, but yet,
he gets dumped by a woman who probably has a map
of Mexico tattooed on the inside of her thighs,
just to make suitors feel at home, and all of a
sudden he’s blubbering like a teenage girl? I
never pegged a guy a who can propel fire using
just his mind as the Emo type. All of a sudden,
I’m getting a picture of the hulking Kane writing
tearfully in his diary, while eating Häagen-Dazs
directly from the container as Good Charlotte
plays on the
radio….
Same Old
Game.
You know, Triple H was gone
so long, I barely recognized him when he
came back…umm, two weeks later. I guess “gone
forever” means something different to everyone.
And hey, I know people like to call HHH a cancer,
but at least fucking cancer has the
decency to go into remission for more than
14 days...
Ya, that's all I wanted to
say.
 COMPLETELY RANDOM
NEWS~!
For
those of you familiar with this
column (and
how dare you not be), you'll know that every
week, month, whenever, I
usually look at the Headlines as they appear
on actual reputable sites like Wrestling
Observer, PWInsider and whatever... and from
there, I usually proceed to undo all that
journalistic integrity brought forth by these
esteemed luminaries, and make a lot of tasteless
and inappropriate jokes. It's the circle of life,
baby.
BLACK AND BLUE
MEANIE.
As you've probably all heard,
there was a real-life physical altercation between
JBL and Blue Meanie on last Sunday's ECW PPV,
where it's said that JBL leveled Meanie with
legitimate punches, opening up the stitches he had
over his eye from the previous night's Hardcore
Homecoming show. But for those of you haven't
heard, here's the word as reported by
PWInsider.com:
"Several people live, as well
as WWE sources, have confirmed that during the
brawl at the end of tonight's ECW PPV, that JBL
went after Blue Meanie and threw several real
punches at his face, bloodying him up. A lot of
the wrestlers who were in the ring and saw this
looked really mad. Reports were Al Snow, who
trained Meanie, visually looked the most upset.
The two have heat dating back to Meanie's days in
WWF, and JBL cut a promo on Meanie on Smackdown
which was edited off the show a few weeks
back."
And almost immediately, The
Blue Meanie
corroborated these accusations as seen
here, courtesy of his MySpace.com
Blog:
"What turned out to be a
beautiful weekend came to end on a sour note. I
guess by now you all know what happened last night
between Bradshaw and myself. It’s no secret that
Bradshaw never liked me from my first day in the
WWE to my last. What I did to the guy to piss him
off I don’t know but then maybe I never needed to
know. Bradshaw has always had the rep of being a
bully and a liberty taker in the ring and he also
has a rep of getting away with
it.
Once the ECW/WWE brawl started
I paired of with Coach and I felt a punch come
from out of nowhere. My first instinct was to hit
back BUT I also had the issue of trying to protect
the 14 staples I have in my head. I got some rib
shots in the best I could but he got the upper
hand with going to my face, opening a fresh wound
on my forehead and swelling my
eye.
All I saw was red as the blood
fill me eyes and I believe it was Maven I pulled
on top of me to get him to “choke” me. After he
got cleared out guys came up to check on me and we
went on the other deal with Austin and Bischoff
and the big post brawl party in the ring. As
F***ed up as what Bradshaw did, the crowd reaction
had me so buzzed that I didn’t feel
anything.
I got to the back and Bradshaw
was in a part of the gorilla position. He came
over like he was going to do something else but
people got in between. He was yelling about me
talking about him on the Internet. The rest of
what he said I didn’t hear cause I was too busy
saying, “Yo, it’s a work!” and “Dude, the business
is a F***in work!!” So I did the best thing anyone
could ever do in the situation and just walked
away.
I got stitched up and said my
good byes. A lot of the guys were pissed and asked
what happened. When I told them they were pissed
even more. We got home and all I have been doing
is popping Aleve and icing my face and reflecting.
All this happened over was me calling him a bully.
Well John……… you just proved me
right.
In closing I want to say thank
you to everyone who ran Hardcore Homecoming Friday
night. I wanna say thank you to the WWE for giving
EC Dub an opportunity to shine last night. I wanna
say to the rest of the WWE workers and staff a big
thank you for the hospitality. It was great
catching up with all of you. To my EC Dub brothers
and sisters I wanna say I love you. I was in
heaven seeing all of you this weekend and doing it
one more time. To the fans I wanna say I love you
because with out the fans we wouldn’t have been
anywhere without you this past weekend. I will be
going back to icing my face and ponder if I will
be wrestling on this weekends 3PW show. I will
probably pull off of it so I can properly heal
these stitches and staples. Plus we all know
chicks dig scars.
"
And from there, here's a
follow-up that paints JBL in a far more
flattering light: (once again courtesy of
PWInsider.com)
"Sources with
questionable motives have been making the claim
that because JBL "kisses Vince McMahon's ass," he
will be immune from any punishment from WWE
officials for his actions at the ECW PPV. While
it's very likely JBL won't be hit with a stiff
punishment, the JBL situation has been the victim
of very biased reporting that doesn't even reflect
true journalism.
For
starters, WWE management does take what Bradshaw
did very seriously; if for nothing else than the
fact that he shot on an outside talent who, if
interested, could potentially bring some sort of
case against WWE. The odds of that happening are
not likely, but WWE assumes far more liability
when an outside talent gets hurt working a
one-night gig than it does with a roster member
(see the Holly-Dupree situation). Before the PPV,
wrestlers were also instructed to keep everything
professional, which further makes JBL's actions
seem
deplorable.
Again, the odds of JBL
receiving a major punishment are unlikely - he may
not receive anything more than a slap on the
wrist. But, the claims that WWE is "laughing off"
the situation due to JBL's relationship with Vince
are wholly without merit. This is a serious issue
behind closed
doors.
As for JBL's side of the story,
there are conflicting reports going around.
Virtually everyone has sought a motive in the fact
that JBL and Meanie have past heat; JBL, however,
reportedly made the claim that he didn't throw the
first punch. It's not known if there's anything to
his story, but JBL has apparently responded to the
allegations with a provocation
defense."
Call me crazy, but somehow I
think I might be siding with Blue Meanie here.
Despite the above's claims that JBL is the
"victim". Holy shit, that's like blaming Robin
Givens for running into Mike Tyson's fucking
fists. But on a lighter note, Meanie
is right, chicks do dig scars. And
they fucking better in his case, because when
your
girlfriend is best known for setting the world
record for most consecutive cocks in a row, I'm
thinking she's doesn't exactly have the right to
be too judgmental of
you....
In any event, I find it funny
that for a guy who claims that he doesn't care
about the Internet (JBL), he sure got pissed off
enough about someone talking about him on it.
And you know what? Proving you're "not really a
bully" by decking someone in the grill, probably
isn't the best way to prove your point. In fact,
it's actually the equivalent of saying to someone
accusing you of racism: "I am NOT a racist,
Nigger!". So, with that said, here’s a tip for
JBL; If you don't want things appearing on
the internet that reflect badly on your character,
STOP BEING A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG. Call it preventive
douchebaggery. You'll be surprised just how
well people start to think of you when you're not
a complete fucking
tool.
Anyway, once this story broke,
net writers and people on message boards across
the web who demand respect despite calling
themselves things like ASTEROID BOY, began
insisting that JBL be fired from the WWE.
Not going to happen, folks. And as much as the
thought of Bradshaw having to find gainful
employment in another industry where he could no
longer soap people's asses in the shower, or force
new talent to participate in some asinine
"Wrestler's court" would be hilarious (Bradshaw
could very easily transition into the fast food
industry, where his apparent skills at handing out
big old potatoes can be more appreciated), it just
ain't gonna happen in our life time. WWE has
invested too much time and money into Bradshaw to
do anything that drastic. And besides, if the guy
got the fucking WWE Title after causing a near
international incident last year, I doubt punching
one pudgy little Indy guy in the face is going to
start a fucking WWE revolution. Hell, JBL could
have goose stepped with Meanie under his arm in
Israel, then thrown him into an oven, and made a
lamp shade out of his cut-offs, and WWE STILL
wouldn't bat a fucking
eye.
It's just the way of the
world. The "haves" get all the breaks, and the
"have nots" just have to accept it, wear
half shirts, and pretend their girlfriend's
loveholes haven't been filled with enough strange
DNA to repopulate the earth a billion times
over. That's why guys like O.J. Simpson can
continue to work in a game of golf in between
beating the shit out of his current girlfriend,
and Michael Jackson can still
have sleepovers, while having 5 year
olds wear pirate costumes and playing a
spirited game of "pin the penis on the
asshole.". Sometimes in life there is no
justice. Unless you choose to seek it yourself.
Where is the Angelic Diablo Matt Hardy when
you need him!? Someone shine the MATT SYMBOL
onto his computer screen~! He's
needed!
GET THIS MAN SOME
ADVIL!
 Courtesy
of
PWInsider:
"The word is Tommy Dreamer is
suffering from an ear injury, but this was not
caused by the flaming table spot, but instead was
probably caused by a headshot. Dreamer has had
some problems hearing since the
PPV."
For whatever reason, I found
this kind of funny. All day since reading that, I
got the visual of Tommy Dreamer looking like
Anakin Skywalker crawling out of the pit in
Mustafar, and going up to a Pharmacist while
charred body parts fell off, saying : "Do you have
any Aspirin?...my EAR is just killing me!" Man,
dude went through a fucking flaming table and
SURVIVES, yet all he gets a little water
on the ear. I must be hardcore then, because I'm
as bloated as shit and have no equilibrium either.
Where's my ECW Title
reign?
But still, you do kind of
have to laugh at the irony that perhaps Tommy
Dreamer is like a modern day Achilles; you
know, where he is totally invincible except
for one small vulnerability. Fire can't kill Tommy
Dreamer...but he can be done in by a case of
athlete's foot. Falling 30 feet onto cement has no
effect on this man,
yet he has an inability to consume dairy
without some lactaid on hand. I could go
on (but I won't...lucky
you.).
All kidding aside, get better
Tommy. You're THE MAN. You helped make that
show for me. Oh, but next time you're going to be
SMASHED THROUGH A GASOLINE COVERED
TABLE, be sure to wear some ear-muffs. Might save
you some unneeded pain!
Ahem.
 OH
BABY.
Courtesy of
PWInsider:
"Before the
action got underway at ECW One Night Stand this
past Sunday, there was nearly action backstage
with Francine and Dawn Marie said to be involved
in a near altercation. Dawn Marie believes
Francine blew her off upon entering the arena,
which she found very patronizing as she is now a
WWE star while Francine was an
outsider.
Francine had the following to
say to PWInsider.com: “This did not happen that
way. Dawn came over to me and said “Hi”. I
extended my hand to her and we shook hands. I then
said “How are you?” She said, “I see you are as
pleasant as ever”, rolled her eyes and walked
away. I just ignored her comments. If she called
me a b***h, I didn’t hear it. I didn’t disrespect
her in any way and I did shake her hand. We are
not the best of friends but I shook her hand
because it was the right thing to do. Whoever told
the story is lying to make me look bad. There were
people standing with me that saw me shake her
hand.”
Many feel there would
have been a physical altercation between the pair
had Dawn Marie not been pregnant. Another thing
which is likely to have upset Marie is that
Francine ironically took her spot at the end of
the show when she was involved in a cat fight with
Beulah, who she apparently has heat with stemming
back from their ECW
days."
I don’t know about you, but I’d
rather be in “heat” with these women, than have
heat with them. But I’m sick like that. And yes,
that may also include a very pregnant Dawn Marie,
who was only outdone in the potbelly department
last Sunday by the Sandman, who is either the
biggest alcoholic in wrestling history, or a
miracle of modern
science!
I could further go into
some rambling soliloquy on the above Francine/Dawn
topic, but really, who cares? What in the world
could they be jealous of each other about? All
three had the same exact fucking act. You know,
roll around, get piledrived by Tommy Dreamer, etc.
Now, I could talk about how I'd mark
out if the two rolled around in a cat fight, only
for Dawn's placenta to come spilling out, but you
know, I’d much rather talk about whether I’d
have sex with Dawn Marie, for which I’ve given a
great deal of thought. And the answer is indeed
“yes”, I would. After all, at least with a
pregnant woman, there is no mystery. You
already know for a fact that they put out. So, my
thinking is this: Just because she has a “bun in
the oven” doesn’t mean there ain’t room for a
“hotdog” too....
And yes, my friends, I
actually had nothing constructive or witty to say
on this story, and this is all I could come up
with. I was originally going to talk about
how hard it would be for Dawn to deliver Al Wilson
jr., bifocals and all, but I thought better of it.
Thank God.
BETWEEN A BROCK AND HARD
PLACE.
 The
latest court fun with everyone’s favorite Football
tackling dummy:
Courtesy of...you guessed
it….PWInsider.com:
Brock
Lesnar's attorneys filed a memorandum opposing
World Wrestling Entertainment's motion to extend
the court's time before issuing a summary judgment
in Lesnar's lawsuit against them on 6-9-05. The
WWE motioned that they needed more time for
discovery on a number of
claims.
Lesnar’s
lawyers have agreed to grant the WWE 20 days for
discovery, but do not want an extension issued
regarding when the court will issue a summary
judgment.
Am I the only one who pictures
Brock showing up to court in his wrestling gear,
wearing a football helmet, all while making a
grand entrance by parachuting out of his umm, “Here
Comes the Plane”? Also, am I the only one kinda
baked while I write this? Umm,
probably….
Anyway, apparently one of the
big contentions in this case is over whether
or not Lesnar breached his release agreement when
he showed up on a New Japan show. And of course,
his people will argue that
the agreement (that he willingly signed) is
unfair. And it all stems on whether or not
Brock’s lawyers can actually prove to the
court that he has grounds that the
release that he (once again willingly) signed, is
hindering him from making a fair living. HERE
COMES THE PLAINTIFF.
I personally think the
best course of action would be to bring
in his girlfriend, Sable, as a sympathetic
witness. I mean, sure it wouldn’t change shit as
far as the case goes, but who wouldn’t feel sorry
for a guy with a girlfriend that old? (who likely
disintegrates into a fine particle mist upon
contact.) So, come on Brock,
use the old George Costanza “Andrea Dorea”
defense; it worked for George, and it can work for
you too!
Brock: “In closing,
these stories have not been embellished, because
they need no embellishment. They are simply,
horrifyingly the story of my life as a tall,
stocky, slow-witted, muscle-bound
man.”
 NO SHIT YOU
SAY?
Former WWE
“Diva”… and Randy Orton turd recipient (or so we
thought) Rochelle Loewen was recently interviewed
at The Voice of
Wrestling
to discuss her short stint in the company,
and shed some light on the alleged fecal habits of
the Legend Killer. Here is
the gist of that interview courtesy once again of
PWInsider.com, with my (stupid) comments thrown in
in-between…
"Backstage resentment toward the
women with no history in wrestling and little to
no product knowledge prior to coming in was felt
quite often by Rochelle Loewen. However, it was
the other women in the back that typically showed
their displeasure, not the men. "For me to just
come on in and not do the diva search," Loewen
explained, "there was a little animosity, I
suppose. I don't think the men really
cared."
Hmm, so, the other
Divas are upset over Rochelle Loewan
just moseying into the WWE, all without
ever having to “pay her
dues”?…You know, GRUELING dues, like
sitting in pies, mashing ice cream into their
tits, and tweaking Kamala’s nipples like the
rest of the crew. And you know what? I AGREE.
It IS insulting that Rochelle actually had the
NERVE and AUDACITY to just walk off the
street while VETERANS like Maria, Candice and Joy
had to BUST their asses week in and week out....
by doing absolutely nothing of note. Is
there no justice?!...
"This left very little reasoning for
the incident between Loewen and Randy Orton.
Although Rochelle does say Orton vandalized her
belongings, the extreme version found on the 'net
is not true. "It was just merely self-tanning
lotion and baby oil," Rochelle revealed what she
found in her bag, "but I wouldn't put it past him
to s***t in my bag". The story behind what led to
this and Loewen's comments about the "true" Randy
Orton are what got very interesting.
"
Meh. I liked the version where
he shits in the bag a lot better. What is this
fucking summer camp in the 1960’s? Did Orton
short-sheet her bed and fly her underwear up a
flag pole,
too?
However, I’d wonder about that
“tanning lotion” though…. Hey, just saying. And
hey, if you mysteriously find yourself pregnant
after putting on some of the panties in that bag,
don’t say I didn’t warn
you…..
"Loewen claims Orton had a vendetta
against her the entire time she was with the
company speculating it was due to the fact she
didn't know his name. "Prior to being with the
WWE," she said, "I didn't aim to go and work for
the WWE. WWE came and asked me to work for them.
In lieu of that, I wasn't a big fan and I didn't
know a lot about wrestling". Despite being a fan
now and loving the business, Rochelle wasn't
familiar with everyone's name at first and when
she met Orton, she told him he looked familiar. He
agreed and asked her where he knew her from. "Are
you from Canada," she responded. After looking her
up and down, Orton (according to Loewen) said
before storming off, "I hate Canada and I hate
you!"
Dude...How could you
hate Canada? We're the one's that pretty
much forced your premature babyface turn at last
year's Summer Slam, and caused about a half year's
worth of really bad force-fed angles that never
worked with you and Triple H, and ended up halting
your Title run and pushing you back into the
mid-card. On second thought, ya, hate Canada all
you want....
"Wow...welcome to
bazoogaville," Rochelle thought after the
confrontation with Orton, "what kind of person
behaves like that?" Later that day, Loewen claims
Orton did more things that were "inappropriate and
verbally abusive", but didn't explain what they
were, just that she didn't really pay any
attention to them. "Near the end of the day, I was
doing a pre-tape with Mr. Bischoff," she
continues, "and it took us about an hour or two.
Then I went back to the changing room and all of
my belongings...my very, very nice
belongings...had been totally destroyed by Randy
Orton who had snuck into the female changing
room". The lotion and baby oil had been smeared
all over her belongings.
OH NO~! Not NICE belongings!
THAT'S THE WORST! Damn you, Randy! A
prank immediately ceases to be funny when
obscenely and ridiculously overpriced women's
clothing is
RUINED.
Oh,
and by the way, maybe if it takes you TWO
HOURS to film a 30 second backstage vignette with
Eric Bischoff, you just might be in the
wrong profession....
According to
Rochelle, it wouldn't have mattered if it was
"Wal-Mart crap" in the bag or stuff from Salvation
Army, it would have still been horrible. A
somewhat funny story as she was leaving...she ran
into Johnny Ace who very excitedly asked how her
first day was with the WWE. "I was like, 'you want
the honest truth, or do you want me to lie' and
he's like 'honestly'," she laughs, "I said 'well
basically, it was horrible, I won't even be
compensated enough from today's work to cover the
damages rendered to my personal belongings'".
Johnny even assumed it was Orton. "It was no
secret that he had a hard-on for me".
HOW DARE YOU BESMIRCH THE GOOD
NAME OF WALMART! Didn't you know that Wal-Mart
stores are stocked with the latest products, and
fun, info-packed events? AND WHERE I ASK YOU, IS A
MAN SUPPOSED TO GET HUGE MASON JARS FILLED WITH
PICKLES FOR UNDER 3 DOLLARS? Hmmmm? You should be
ashamed of yourself, Ms. Loewan. Right now,
somewhere, there's an 80 year old man out there
who hands out carts and multi-colored Anti-theft
stickers, and he's CRYING at your callous
insensitivity, Rochelle. Good
going.
And as for the John
Laurenitis "hard-on" comment: Be gentle with him.
You have to remember he had to go down on Mrs.
Baba for YEARS, just to keep his position in
All-Japan. Can you really blame the man, if he
lusted after a woman for once, who wasn't
likely ruined by the strange, disproportioned
genitalia of one Shoei "Giant"
Baba?
"The reason Randy Orton did what he
did had nothing to do with the competition," she
disclaimed, "his behavior had everything to do
with how pathetic this person is, how psycho he
is, and how his mentality is completely off-key
with what normal mentalities should be. Maybe
momma wasn't nice to him when he was a little boy
or dropped him on his head too many times. He had
some real issues with beautiful women," she said,
"I don't know what they are, but he definitely
does."
Yes,
he does have a problem with "beautiful women"...
he doesn't like it when they don't have sex with
him. Open and shut case, me thinks. As for his
mama dropping him on his head, I beg to differ.
There's is NO WAY that Cowboy Bob, a consummate
professional in the ring, would marry a woman who
didn't possess the same uncanny timing and near
perfect workrate as him. Bob is a
TECHNICIAN in the ring, and I'd expect that same
pride and craftsmanship from Mrs. Orton on the
change table. Even if changing was difficult
because her broken arm never ever
fucking heals.
According to
Loewen, Orton's infatuation with her turned to
jealousy when she moved to Smackdown! "I became
very good friends with Mark Jindrak who is Randy
Orton's best friend," she told the hosts, "and I
would travel with Mark and Rey [Mysterio] and I'm
sure that ate Randy alive. In fact, Randy wouldn't
even talk to Mark Jindrak, the reflection of
perfection, for a while because of that". To
squash any rumors this could potentially start,
the hosts confirmed she wasn't interested in
Jindrak. "I really got along with him," she
responded, "I thought he was a great guy, same
with Mysterio".
"In fact, Randy wouldn't even
talk to Mark Jindrak, the reflection of
perfection, for a while because of that".
Huh. Maybe it's because you refer to him as
"the reflection of perfection." Just saying. But
at least, she quashed the rumors immediately about
being interested in Jindrak. Although, I don't see
why. Did you know he has an AMAZING vertical leap?
The man can actually leap in the air...a good 5
feet, and KICK ANOTHER MAN RIGHT IN HIS FACE! What
more could you want in a potential mate?!
Charisma? Any sort of appeal whatsoever? What's
wrong with
you.
"Ending the discussion on
Randy Orton, Loewen ended with some fairly strong
words:
He's an animal...he's an
absolute animal. What kind of man acts like that
when he likes a beautiful woman? This guy is just
absolutely out to lunch..he's just
retarded!"
No, he's not retarded. He just
uses too many chinlocks when he wrestles. But ya,
what kind of man acts like that when he likes a
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN? I agree, absolutely! How
about an UGLY woman, though? Surely you can harass
them, right?!
In any event, I'm
starting to think these two have A LOT more in
common then they think, and I for one am SICKENED.
(So much so, that I could barely
bring myself to masturbate repeatedly to
this nude
photo of her.....
).
Anyway, there is a moral to
this story, folks. Rochelle, if you EVER want to
be gainfully employed in the world of professional
wrestling, either start wearing your gear to the
arena, or learn to buy your carryall or gym bag
from the same dude who makes Scott Steiner’s hats.
And Randy, learn to jump a little bit higher with
your dropkick. If you could add a good 4-6 inches
to your leap, I’m convinced she’d have put
out.
 THE MATT HARDY
SHOW!
Finally, the day all
overweight Emos and other social misfits have
been waiting for has arrived! So, stop making your
shitty message board sigs made with pictures of
Matt photoshopped holding your pudgy hand, and
rejoice! For The Matt Hardy Show is FINALLY here…
and ready to lift you (well, actually, that’d be
physically impossible) from your rut, as Matt
Hardy apparently takes you inside his
world of Mattitude …and quasi-psychotic
vigilantism!
Anyway, Matt has
apparently put up a preview of the “reality” show
that chronicles the day to day life of Matt
Hardy, his family and friends. Here’s what
awaits us:
Well, first, he uses Lita’s
Divas poster for target practice as he unloads
clip after clip into the extreme diva’s glossy
forehead. And surprisingly, Lita poster somewhat
holds the same level of promo ability and
charisma as the real thing, and blows not
nearly as many spots. (spots, that is, and not
Canadians). And from there (as if committing
poster homicide wasn’t enough), he proceeds to
finish off Lita poster by crushing it beneath the
wheels of his car. But still, there’s MORE. Cameos
include Brother Jeff, who we see get pelted with
eggs! And he no sells said projectiles! Of
course, one could argue that having a viscous
liquid roll down his back is a regular matter of
course for Jeff, but I won’t because that would be
WRONG. And finally, we see several images of
“Lori”, apparently a female friend of Matt’s, who
more than fills Lita’s (extremely HUGE) void if
you ask me. But answer me this! Can she moonsault?
And if so, can she land with pinpoint accuracy
onto an erect penis? I may have my own selfish
reasons for asking
this.
Anyway, I think I may have to
watch and LOVE this reality show, and you should,
too. And sure, nobody gets voted off an Island, or
even gets a job mopping up after The Donald,
…but Jeff Hardy GETS PELTED WITH EGGS. What more
could you want? Rocks?
Maybe.
Click here for the
preview: www.thematthardyshow.com/intro/.
 BAD NEWS FOR
SHOPLIFTERS.
From the "where are they now"
file, this just struck me
funny:
Remember Bad News Brown? The man who
once gave Randy Savage A LOT of headaches
over the WWF title in late 1988, after accusing
Elizabeth of protecting Savage’s title reign by
sleeping with Jack Tunney? As if that'd
ever work. There's never been one
documented account of someone fucking someone
in a position of authority that ever led to
career opportunities in this company.
Not
ever.
Well, that
all said, maybe it was Bad News
himself who should have done “favors” for
the late WWF President, because today he’s traded
in his trademark black glove and black trunks for
a walkie-talkie and a telescopic nightstick, as a
Mall Security Guard! These days,
unfortunately the only "ghetto blasters" he’s
on the look out for, are the one’s scofflaws try
to walk off with unpaid for from the Radio Shack.
And God have mercy on those spineless cockroaches
and yellow belly sharecroppers who DARE loiter by
the Laura Secord stand, or not responsibly dump
the contents of their food-court tray into the
designated trash receptacle. If they're not
careful, they could get kicked in the back of the
head when they least expect it. If those painfully
tight & unflattering police pants allow that
kind of flexibility.
If there's one
thing I’ve learned in my travels, it’s
that you just don’t trust Bad News
Brown. Even if he does have a nifty faux police
hat, and a series of keys to the handicap shitter.
I think it's great though, that he's found a new
career. I just wait on the day however
when he retires and gets his gold
watch, and an angry Bret Hart
suddenly grabs it from him and throws it on
the ground so it shatters. It'll be
sad.
 Matt Hardy, Back On The Market!
For those of us who
have been following the Matt Hardy/Lita/Edge
situation, we all know Matt isn’t exactly taking
things that well. And who can’t relate? All of us
at one time or another have had a woman put the
screws to us, so much so, that just like Matt, the
only comfort we can find seemingly is in the
unforgiving world of gun-toting vigilantism. Ok,
maybe not.
Anyway, it’s time to
turn that frown upside down, mister, and get
back on that horse! (not
Lita).
So,
with that said, I’ve taken it upon myself to get
that ball rolling and help you become that Sensei
of Mattitude we all know and love! See, in my
travels on the Internet, I came across a website
sponsored by Esquire magazine (meh, don’t ask)
called “Brutally Honest
Personals”, where all the pretensions of
regular dating are eliminated, in favor of: THE
TRUTH.
See, *finally*, there’s a place where the
woman of your dreams can await you, and all
without having to deal with the rumors and secrets
of your previous squeeze. With “Brutally Honest
Personals” you’ll never have to wonder why people
like Danny Doring always seem to buy Lita gag
gifts like rain slickers and umbrellas, again.
Because, you’ll know all their deepest darkest
secrets AHEAD of time! So, never again will you
scratch your head when you find a box of lucha
masks marked "trophies".
But hey, I know what
people are thinking; “He’s a professional
wrestler, and avenger of wrongdoings! Surely he
can get his OWN women, no problem!” But I
think I know better. While most people would put
you on a pedestal, I know that you’re just a
regular guy, and you put on your purple amoeba
pajama pants one leg at a time, just like the rest
of us. So, to spare you the trouble, I HAVE
enrolled you at Brutally Honest Personals,
myself!
Here’s is the Profile I
submitted for one Matthew Moore Hardy. (When
playing Trivia with George Costanza, his middle
name is actually pronounced 'Moops'). As
per their request, I filled it out as honestly as
possible….
Name: Matthew Moore
Hardy
Age:
30
From: Cameron, North
Carolina.
Weight: 225
lbs.
Height:
6’2”
Sex: Sure, why
not?
Hair:
Some.
Eyes:
Two.
Sense
of humor:
None.
Living Situation: Currently
alive.
Length of last
relationship: I
think she was about
5’7”.
Children: Almost. I
truthfully believed my now-Ex was carrying my
child, but unfortunately that turned out to be the
child of a seven foot demon who blackmailed her
for sex in exchange for not killing me, and so he
could carry on his evil legacy through offspring.
(true
story).
Religion:
Mattitude.
Occupation: When I’m not
wrestling, I hunt down those who do wrong to
others and punish them
accordingly.
Turn
ons: Guns and ladders, but maybe not in
that
order.
Turn
offs:
Overweight
teenage girls (this one might get me in trouble
 ), mask wearing Mexicans (I
have my reasons), FECES; long-haired Canadians
with too many teeth who steal other people’s
girlfriends, especially while their boyfriend was
off rehabbing his knee and writing really cool new
facts about himself, while that same FECES
gets all the opportunities while I,
he sits at home plotting
my his
revenge.
Scars, birth marks etc: A
scar. It will become a
symbol!
Best pickup
line: The scar will
become a symbol and Matt Hardy will be that symbol
because the physical Matt Hardy that you see in
front of you will one day die, but the spiritual
Matt Hardy will never die. I will not die. I will
not die. Matt Hardy, the Angelic Diablo, will not
die." -- (this usually starts working after
they have about a half dozen Black
Russians.).
Special talents or
abilities: I’m
really good at jumping off really high objects,
yelling really loudly and unintelligibly whenever
I climb things; and I make
this hand
gesture A LOT, which I’m surprised to hear pleases
the ladies a great
deal.
Looking for: I’m looking for
a woman* who’s never been to Mexico (I have my
reasons) and who would never have anything to do
with a lousy Canadian, even if he had long blond
hair and carried a strange brief case everywhere
he went.
*Also, you must wear a thong, answer to the
name “Amy”, and possess the ability to do full
somersaults off high
places.
Final
words: Maybe you're just the MF'er I'm
looking for! Let’s hook up. Just you and me,
a table for two (that I promise I won’t smash you
through) and a quiet evening listening to the many
quirky facts about me. (we can talk about you
later) Veeeeeeee
Oneahhhhhh!
Well, there you go, brother- man. And,
Matt, when you’re getting a little TLC (no pun
intended) with one of these lovely ladies,
you can thank
me.
Sincerely,
Sean Carless
Ontario
Chapter of
MF'ers.
IF THEY
MATED!
If you've ever watched
the Conan O'Brien show, you might be familiar with
a little something called "If they
mated"... a skit, where they take
two celebrity "couples" and see what would happen
if they were to ever have children together. With
that said, I thought it'd be interesting to take
several "couples" in the WWE, splice their varying
genetics together, and see what the fuck crawls
out of our
replicater....
Stacy Keibler and
Test!
It's sad, I heard they were no longer a
couple, but regardless, let's take a look into our
crystal ball and see the fully grown
offspring of the leggy Miss Keibler,
and Test... who has some good qualities,too,
I'm sure. Somewhere.
Maybe...
Sweet Jesus! Where's fucking Chunk when you
need him? This looks like Sloth's slightly hotter
sister (if that makes any sense). Man, Test, what
do they put in the water there in Toronto?
Maybe "Test" is actually his last name and
Nuclear is his first? Might explain a few
fucking
things.
...Still, she does seem to be really
enjoying that sucker,
though...
Torrie Wilson and
Billy
Kidman!
Ah, this is more like it. Two fresh
faced All-American kids in love! Surely the
offspring of a two-time Playboy Playmate has
to be attractive,
right?
Oh Dear Lord.... I think
this dude taught me guitar in the 6th grade! What
a chin though, eh? You could chop down a fucking
sequoia
with that thing! Surely, if Torrie ever
gets this particular bun in the
oven, the most humane thing to do is for Billy to
lay Torrie down, and break out one of his
"Chavo-killing" Shooting star
presses...
Viscera and Lillian
Garcia!
Ok, this will be interesting. I'm
actually curious to see what happens
when you combine the genetic make-up of
one morbidly obese African American, with the
sultry melodic voice of one Lillian
Garcia...
Ladies and Gentleman: MISS ARETHA
FRANKLIN!!! Hey , you can't make these
things
up!
Edge and
Lita!
Ok, certainly not a popular pairing, but an
interesting one to say the least. Let us see what
Lita has in store for the delivery
room...
Holy shit! Truthfully, I was expecting
something with about 200 hundred extra teeth that
gets injured every two months or so, but this is
SO MUCH WORSE. Who knew that the genetics of Edge
and Lita would create a fucking Ozark Hillbilly?!
I mean you just know "it's" captured a few stray
hitch hikers in the hills for God knows
what... Still though, it does have great
tits, I'll give it
that...
Anyway, I think we can agree on one thing,
Gene Snitsky's services may be needed again if
only for the sake of our eyes, stomachs, and
humanity as a
whole.
Kurt Angle and
Sharmell!
Ok, Ok, so their not "really" a couple, but
it still hasn't stopped Kurt from lusting after
Mrs. Booker T. in hopes of mounting her
in the old "referee's
position."
Anyway, let's see what happens
when Kurt's Olympic boys swim,
Sucka!
WOW. Man, I think maybe
Kurt should rethink his whole Sharmell
obsession...
Who knew that these two would create a
hybrid of Serena Williams and fucking Gallagher?
It smashes water melons with a giant
mallet, then gleefully eats the shards. I
never meant that to sound so
racist...
Still though, I got to take my hat off to
that sweet dreadlock/horse-shoe combo. It's like
what Hulk Hogan would look like if he moved to
Haiti and started selling pot for a
living.
HHH and
Stephanie!
Hey, for years we've all wondered when HHH
and Stephanie would produce an heir to Vince's
throne (despite what poor Shane and his wife may
think), and we now may have the answer to that.
The future of the WWE empire lays
below...
Let us now find out what happens when you
mix the most prominent features of both Triple H
and Stephanie
McMahon!:
....Hmmm, makes sense
to me.
Ok,
that's it for this edition, but before we go, let
me show this
picture of the
aforementioned Stephanie McMahon, sent to me
by Harry Simon. It is, without a doubt, the WORST
picture I've ever seen taken of the woman. And I know some of you get upset
when I make light of Big Steph, but I only do so
because I care. It's kind of like how you try
and protect your children when they're about
to do something unwise or stupid. That, and I want
to fuck her between the
tits. Unfortunately though, HHH's
Cro-Magnon genetics seem to be somehow
permeating this once delicate
flower, and in
turn, physically obliterating her, thus
ruining this not-at-all-inappropriate and
completely unrealistic fantasy for me. You
know, it's as if Triple H is some sort
of vampire, who instead of transforming his
victims into creatures of the undead,
just turns them into scary looking dudes
instead. Man. It just goes to show you, NO GOOD in ANY
aspect of the wrestling business has ever came
from allowing HHH to lay on top of
you...
I’m Sean.
Sean Carless is a man of many hats.
And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The
Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has
also cured AIDS.
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