Hey all, and welcome back to the column that is a lot like rotting garbage….the longer I leave it, the more it tends to stink. And by that I mean, BE AWESOME. Actually, I was probably right the first time.

Anyway, I thought I’d dust off the old Back-leg this week, for a special occasion. You see, on March 30, we here at the Wrestling Fan.com will be celebrating our two year anniversary! Yes, two years. Somehow, I've managed to think of new ways to make the same exact jokes for more than one month. Imagine that.

That said, in the last 2 years, we’ve grown at the same geometric rate as Stephanie's ass, and today we have somewhat of a cult following on the Net. Some of which don't even share the same last name as me. It's true! So, special thanks go out to you, the readers, as well as the tireless Staff of TWF for making it happen. And of course Thanks to me. I hadn't really been talking to me for quite a while back in 2003, but somehow, we once again bonded over this very website. So, if I'm reading this, Thank you for being there. I really appreciate all the hard work I've put into this site and look forward to working with myself for many years to come. God bless me. I'm a credit to journalism. I just hope I feel the same way about me.

So, in the spirit of celebrating, celebration and other words that mean celebrating that I was too lazy to punch into my Thesaurus, I have declared this impending March 30 to be “TWF Day” here at the site; which means... well, it means nothing. It just sounded good. Maybe there’ll be cake, I don’t know. The trick will be getting Renee to agree to get inside there first in a bikini. Let's just hope I don't forget that someone's in there before having it baked again. It was kind of awkward for everybody.

So, ya. Here's to 730 days of saying Pat Patterson fucks people in the ass. If fucking Police Academy can make the same joke work for 10 years straight, perhaps we can too. Even if we don't have a comic virtuoso like the guy who played Hightower. Or something. I don't know. I've totally lost interest in this opener. Let's move on.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY~!

Hey, This Looks Interesting…

In my recent bout of total and complete apathy as far as updating this column goes, I’ve actually missed out on several stories and news bits that I shall comment on now. This would probably be a lot more interesting if it was still relevant though…

Edge Spears Lita:

By now, we’ve all heard about the alleged affair between Lita and Edge; exposed to the net by V1 himself, after Lita came home to Matt after a night with Edge reeking of more than awesomeness.

Anyway, some people still think that the whole thing was a *work*, while others, specifically, dumpy, fat 14 year old girls, believe the plight of V1 himself... then no doubt cry themselves to sleep in their ridiculous diaries filled with emo poetry and teen angst, all while wearing painfully tight Korn T-shirts. Lord how I hate them. Anyhoo, in any event, for those of you who haven’t heard, here's what Matt had to say on his own website:

“Just for the record, I never told anyone the story in it's entirety until news sites on the internet started breaking the story (and there's still a ton of appalling things you guys don't know). I took down Amy's pictures on my site and in my house because they were sickening to look at. When the story started coming out, in no form or fashion was I going to allow myself to look like the bad guy. I couldn't afford personally or professionally to let incorrect versions of the story stand. I just wish you guys could have experienced the truth and saw what actually happen. You can take my word for what it's worth--in your eyes and heart. Adam Copeland is feces. As upset as I am with Amy now, I still care about her and I would hate to see her destroy her life. The feces' track record speaks for itself. I have never ask anyone to take sides, I have only told the truth.

I never "insulted the internet world", I only used one writer's article as an example of what not to do or be influenced by on the net. I love the internet concept--my goal is to always help make it better, not tear it down. If I remember correctly, my post was to ask people to make their own opinions based on the facts and their own judgments. Not to just take someone else's opinion as fact, especially if they're not an expert in a given field. The same thing goes for me--I give you information, and you decide what to do with it. I think my track record speaks for itself.

As a public figure, I willingly had to give up my privacy once I started appearing on TV week in and week out, as all WWE superstars do. There would be no "scandal" to talk about if there had not been a "scandal" in the first place. I respect you for speaking your opinion in an adult fashion; I just wanted to give you more insight of where I'm coming from. Be well,

Matt.”

Adam Copeland is feces? Holy shit, Matt, watch your language! There might be children reading! Or at least really, really fat teenaged girls who somehow believe that just because you once quoted them in a message forum, that somehow, someway, that means you're now dating. However, this whole situation, while tragic if it’s true, still strikes me somewhat funny. That was his BEST FRIEND? A best friend who once tried to throw him off a 20 foot ladder to his death. Kayfabe-wise, how do they ever even explain this? "You betrayed me, Adam! Remember the way we used to bond as you tried to kill me by crushing my head with chairs and spearing me off 30 foot hooks above the ring? Well, it's over! Our friendship is over! You'll never maim me and possibly destroy my livelihood again! And you'll have to live with it!".

Anyway, if you read that thread over at Death Valley Driver, you’d know that Lita doesn’t exactly have the best reputation as being “pure.” Apparently all it would take is one gynecological swab to collect enough DNA to clone half the EMLL locker room inMexico.  And if you are a young girl reading this, shocked that your hero has apparently blown a lot more than just spots, I’m sorry. But I’m not the one who fucked Fishman. You’ll have to take your woes up with Lita herself. God bless, Lita, though. She's the only chick I know that insists on fucking dudes in masks. Usually, that's a real TURN-OFF for the ladies. Maybe it's the rope and giant roll of duct-tape that usually come with it. I don't know.

Now that we’ve established Lita’s character (and assassinated it), what of Edge? Didn’t this dude just get remarried? Man, you think you know a guy. Actually, he told us we didn't for like 7 fucking years. We just didn't listen. All I know is having sex with Edge would be terrifying. I can imagine as Lita was cluelessly undressing, there'd be Edge, behind her back, bouncing on the spot in the corner of the room, ready to pounce on her. IT'S ALL HE KNOWS. I'd also recommend against letting Edge go down on you, I'd think. With the sheer layers of teeth this dude has, getting ate out might be literal. If I was a woman, I'd sooner let the creature in Alien have at my clam. And the sad part is, after bedding Lita, Edge's blood is probably way more corrosively acidic than ANY of those Aliens ever were. That's probably the reason why you never saw El Dandy again. He dissolved into a puddle after having at Lita. Only some teeth and Lou Ferigno's hairdo remained. It was tragic. To someone. Probably Bret Hart. He never doubted him.

That all said, I’m not going to lie, I like Edge AND Matt Hardy BOTH. So, this is quite the conundrum for me. And keeping rats on the side is a regular matter of course in the business, but to lay the pipe on your best friend’s girl? That’s cold. So much for 'Bros b4 Ho’s'. I can't say I blame Edge, though. Truth be told, I've wanted Lita for YEARS. If only because in addition to being hot, there's a good possibility that she'd be the one girl capable of moonsaulting from a great distance exactly onto my genitals. My previous girlfriends were like terrible at high spots. So much so, I  had to release them. Literally. The Police made me. Something about keeping them in cages being a human atrocity or some such.

Still, part of me, the part not related to my groinal region, still wonders if this whole thing is a work. Could this be spun into an angle? Will we see end up seeing Matt Hardy Vs. Edge in a “Lita on a pole match?”… Wait, Lita on a pole? That’s how this whole thing got started! Ya, that's how I'm ending this.

Nostalgia-mania:

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t mark-out for the nostalgia of seeing Marty Jannetty and Shawn Michaels reunite as the Rockers. And why not?

If Mick Jagger & Keith Richards can get onstage and thrash around, and not disintegrate into a fine dust, surely my two favorite aged Rockers can do the same. I'm just happy that Marty was back. And looked as good as he did. Apparently he, like Michaels, has found God. He was hiding in the closet it turns out. So, ya, Marty and HBK together again, under the auspices of Jesus himself. The two clearly need to just bite the bullet, err communion wafer as it were at refer to themselves as THE CHRISTIAN ROCKERS. And then come out to THIS song. He is an awesome God, indeed. I'll mark. Almost as much as if Marty changes his name to Martyr Jannetty and sacrifices himself for the betterment of humankind and God above. Or maybe just create some drama by taking a double-teams from La Resistance. Whichever. I'm flexible.

 Anyway, turns out I wasn't the only one happy to see Marty back, because the crowd popped bigger for Marty (just don’t let him pour your drinks, ladies) than they did for the motley crew of crew-cut douchebags that were to follow. And therein is the problem with WWE today. Their shit is so fucking cookie-cutter, that I'd rather watch a 45 year old Marty Jannetty wrestle for 2 straight hours in a paisley undershirt, then even 45 seconds of Mark Jindrak. Because, unlike today, WWF used to MAKE me care about these people. Not so much today. Hell, Jindrak could UTILIZE HIS INCREDIBLE VERTICAL LEAP And propel himself out of the atmosphere, and I'd still not give a shit. If he burned up completely in re-entry? Maybe.  But not really.

Which just goes to show how much better WWF used to be at promoting their stars with unique and diverse characters that people actually cared about. I mean, look at Jake Roberts. Despite looking the worst I’ve seen anyone in this business look (When I first tuned in I thought “Shit, when did Contemporary songmeister David Crosby learn the short-arm clothesline?”) he STILL managed to get a bigger pop than half the locker room and keep my full attention.

Unfortunately though,  these afforemtioned people can't carry WWE anymore. And it's a shame. With Jake, for instance, once the feel of “Holy shit! That’s (sorta) Jake The Snake Roberts!” wore off, we were left with the reality of a bloated crackhead wearing my dad’s golf wear throwing maybe the most deliberately set-up clothesline ever, and cutting an old school promo that would have rocked the proverbial Kasbah, if it didn’t sound like he gargled with razor blades first (razors used to first divide up the coke, no doubt.). And this is a huge shame, because the brief snippets shown of Jake in his prime made me long for him in the ring again. Jake’s mind still may be somewhat sharp and he may still somewhere possess the “best in the business” psychology, but at this stage his body ain’t following suit. It’s kinda like being the best race car driver in the world….but if you’re stuck behind the wheel of a Pinto, chances are you ain’t gonna win too many races. The message here? Don't hit Jake Roberts from behind. Or something.

Anyway, I guess I just have a hard time dealing with my heroes getting old. Or looking like a cross between a walrus and a dude who plays a guitar the size of a small dog.

In a side note though, I did find it funny that an alcohol fueled Jake Roberts decided to show up in the WWE the same week they started a concept called "pick your poison". Coincidence? Probably.

So, my point here? You should have stopped reading after the phrase "contemporary songmeister".

Hall Of Fame, Bruther.

Hulk Hogan (who finally won the rights to Hulk from Marvel, so look for Marvel to counter with a character known as the Incredible Bollea) will apparently be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame by Sylvester Stallone. Although, Red Rooster should have gotten the honors in my opinion based on the Hulkster’s recent poultry woes. Anyway, this is somewhat of a coup for the WWE, but my question is this: Where the fuck is Mr. T?

Anyway, a lot of media outlets are picking up this story, as Stallone is arguably the biggest celebrity to grace Wrestlemania, well, since the “Where’s the Beef” lady. But seriously, WWF has never exactly grabbed the best celebrities, and if they did, it was usually at their lowest point. Seriously. In the few times they didn't cart out Bob Ueker, the celebrities they did get kind of only showed up  because they needed the payday badly.  Take Burt Reynolds at WM 10, left with just the rug on his head and the porn stache on his face after a nasty divorce from Loni Anderson. Not to mention Willy Nelson, stripped bare by the IRS, who then sold his soul to Vince in 1991 to croon the national anthem, adorned with cheap merch including a foam WWF title belt wrapped around his aged soft middle. It was like that one retarded kid in your neighborhood who wears every article of clothing he owns, and tucks his pajama pants into big winter boots. It was sad. And Hilarious. 

I am interested to see how Stallone holds up, though, and if he actually appears on the PPV itself. (If he can bring half the class, poise and dignity to Mania that "A-Listers" like, umm, Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Nicholas Turturro did, I’ll consider it a success.).

Anyway, obviously WWE is putting all their HOF hopes on the back of old Thunderlips, but where does that leave the remaining Hall of Famers? And whose acceptance speech will make less sense, Roddy Piper or Iron Sheik’s? And speaking the “Hot Scot”, is Roddy Piper even Scottish? If so, why does he not have an accent? Glasgow…Oregon? Ok, I’m just rambling now. (and drinking heavily. It's a tribute to Hot Rod! That's all!).

And ya, before I forget, where the fuck is Mr. T? I'd say I pitied him, but that'd be inappropriate. Fool.

The Blind Leading The Blind: 

Not a huge story, but one that made me laugh:

A former pro wrestler is helping a blind woman run the Iditarod dog race. Isn’t that precious? Why yes it is! Precious Paul Ellering, that is.

The former manager of the Road Warriors is apparently quite the aficionado of this famous dog race, and is in turn turning that expertise over to a woman named Rachael Scdoris, who is blind, whom he is serving as her “visual Interpreter.” One can only assume that like Jakes Roberts, she too was a victim of Rick Martel's giant atomizer. (WRESTLING CONTINUITY FTW). But seriously, is a guy whom I haven’t ever seen without a pair of heavy black sunglasses the best person to serve as “your eyes?” If I didn’t know better, I’d swear that Paul was blind. Maybe Rocco held the cup while Animal played the accordion? I don’t know.

But seriously, best of luck. And if you other Iditarod competitors see a sled pulled by a mohawked dude in spiked football pads being mushed by a man with a rolled up Wall street journal, while a ventriloquist dummy handles the reigns, you might want to get out of the way. Oh, what a Mush.