SEAN CARLESS: BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: OCTOBER 2004

You know the drill, I take wrestling news in the headlines and make light of it, because I’m a bad person and stuff:

A Flair For The Virgins

Vince McMahon was so upset at Ric Flair last night due to his graphic promo. There were also some people backstage at RAW last night that went as far as to say they thought Vince was ready to fire Flair. That's honestly how upset he really was. The feeling backstage after Flair was finished with his promo was pretty much shock that Flair would actually say those unscripted lines on TV.

This actually made me laugh when I heard it. I personally find it HILARIOUS that Vince would be upset with Flair’s comments when a regular episode of RAW (or Smackdown) features elderly women getting physically abused, fucked by morbidly obese black guys who then impregnate them with disembodied hands, men murdering unborn babies, and dude's boning corpses. "Oh no, someone might get offended! Virgins are off limits! Well, unless they’re dead….then they’re fair game!".

The funny thing is though is I doubt Ric really feels this way about young girls. From all the rumors I’ve heard, Ric likes his women a little more "mature", and is the probably the most celebrated “bushman” since Crocodile Dundee if you know what I mean. Hell, there’s even a rumor that Ric wouldn’t bed anything that didn’t possess a bountiful thatch that looked as if Meng fell asleep in their laps. God bless The Nature Boy. All he needs for a romantic evening is a bottle of chardonnay and a machete so to actually get to the fucking clam. Woooo.

So, with that said, Slick Ric is off the hook as far as I’m concerned. Now Jerry Lawler on the other hand, well, I can just picture him feverishly erasing his computer hard drive as we speak....

What You Gonna Do When ~~Hulkamania~~ Hollywood-A-Mania Runs Wild On You?

Both WWE & Marvel Comics uses of the word "Hulk" is no longer available, because the contract they had with Marvel has expired. They will not be able to refer to him as that in the future.

I noticed that a few weeks ago during SmackDown’s 5 year Anniversary, when they referred to Hogan as “Hollywood”. Then at No Mercy, they once again referred to Hogan as “Hollywood”, this time during a match with The Undertaker from Survivor Series '91. See, this is why I hate WWE sometimes. Rather than buckle down and renegotiate their terms with Marvel, WWE would much rather create revisionist history, and trick rubes into thinking that “Hulk” Hogan never existed, but “Hollywood” was front and center the entire time. And it just keeps getting worse and WORSE. First we had to sit back and accept the fact that the “World Wrestling Federation” never existed, and that men like Bruno Sammartino, Billy Graham and Bob Backlund were all former “WWE” champions, announced to the the ring by Tard Grisham and commented by Michael Cole. That's one fucking Time machine that should have burned up upon re-entry. From there, WWE gained control of 95% of the world’s videotaped wrestling library and began churning out potentially awesome DVDs that would bring us back to these eras, and give insight for new fans into the glory days of WCW and ECW. But instead, we just get edited revisionisat bullshit that never happened, Howard Finkel apparently trapped in a cave to re-record introductions and shitty overdubbed WWE stock theme music over the ACTUAL themes used in WCW at the time, completely destroying any historic significance the matches had. And all because WWE is too fucking cheap to pay royalties to the artists who performed them. They’d much rather create their own history and present an image of a product that is completely fabricated. So, ya, one day, I GUARANTEE you that Vince release a DVD where he somehow convinces the next generation that XFL as a "really great idea", with edited footage to show the crowds literally salavating it. Only, you'll hear noise, but their mouths won't be moving. Vince will just reply with "XFL fans, in addition to being football enthusiasts, were in fact accomplished Ventriloquists!".

And now, we have the “Hollywood Hogan” fiasco. And right on the heels of WWE releasing their new 24/7 wrestling service. And what we will see when this service goes to air is wrestling’s most famous pro wrestler, all but erased from recorded history as WWE convinces us that "Hollywood" bodyslammed Andre The Giant at Wrestlemania 3, all while Vince diligently has Titan employees figure out a way to animate the stubble that looked like The Hulkster just went mining for iron-ore to all his pre-recorded footage. Huh. Think there's any chance Marvel somewhere has a patent on the name "Triple H"? Please?

Gunning For Rehab

Billy Gunn is not with WWE right now because he is in rehab. He was found passed out backstage and WWE decided that he needed help or he would not be with the company any longer. Billy Gunn also agreed and is finding help.

With guys like JBL and Heidenreich walking around backstage, is passing out *really* the best idea? Personally, I’m convinced Billy woke up with a Cowboy boot lodged up his ass and decided to create this whole “drug” story to save face; or ass as it were. Turns out he wasn't the only one who like to stick it, despite what his theme would have you think.

It is funny though, with all this rehab lately with Xpac, Road Dogg and now Billy, maybe they should just think about opening up a D-Generation X wing at the Betty Ford clinic? Why not? Maybe they can put them in detox until the urge to nonsensically chop their crotch subsides and they realize that 1998 ended about 6 years ago. I don't get all the drug abuse with these guys. Maybe they all saw Chyna naked from the waist down and have been trying to drown their sorrows ever since? Maybe? All I do know is, it kind of makes sense. When DX was saying “Suck it” for all those years, they *really* meant coke through a straw. We just didn't see their cries for help. Although, the fact Billy braided his hair and wrestles in a Valley girl's fledgling pair of puse workout shorts from the 1980's should have tipped us off. Oh well.

Patterson Gets Shit-Canned...And This Time Not In The Manner He'd Have Preferred...

Ok, Patterson wasn’t fired, he “resigned”, but I really wanted to make that joke.

Anyway, this was the headline:

-Pat Patterson has given his notice to World Wrestling Entertainment and is scheduled to finish up with the company at next week’s pay-per-view, Taboo Tuesday on 10/19.

This comes on the heels of Patterson’s report to WWE CEO Vince McMahon explaining the reason for WWE’s recent plunge in ratings and attendance numbers. One of the main factors was due to the over push of Triple H. This led to a strong disagreement between Vince and Pat and eventually led to Patterson’s resignation.

(Previously reported on 10/7) Pat Patterson hit the road with WWE a few weeks ago to get a better idea of the product and report it back to Vince McMahon so that they can figure out what changes need to be made to improve the product. Patterson is one of McMahon’s most trusted advisors. Word has it that Pat has reported that the problem with RAW right now is Triple H and he dominates the entire brand. It’ll be interesting to see how Vince will take this advice since Triple H is such a powerful person in WWE right now.

(Previously reported on 10/8) Pat Patterson has advised Vince McMahon to pull back on Triple H’s push on RAW. Today, we’ve received word that there is now a feeling within the company that this situation could escalate, possibly to the point where Patterson would leave the promotion.

Patterson’s general feeling is that Triple H is simply “over pushed” and no one else on the RAW brand has been made into a top guy with the exception of Chris Benoit, who is beginning to be pushed back already.

There is also Randy Orton, who had about a one month reign as a world title contender and even became champion, but is seemingly being pushed back right now. Some felt that Triple H had to cut Orton’s feet from under him because he felt there was too much of a buzz about him.

You can make the case that this was a coincidence, but the fact is this: while Triple H has been the top guy on RAW, numbers have fallen dramatically. Even when Triple H wasn’t gunning for the championship, he was still the focal point of RAW. So it seems as he shares at least some of the blame for the slump RAW is in right now and Patterson has made that clear to Vince McMahon.

It’s no secret that Pat Patterson was considered to be one of the most brilliant minds on the WWE creative team. He was responsible for WWE’s most memorable and most historic television moments.

This of course has been the big controversy across the net in the last couple of weeks, with even I having jumped in over the forum with my two cents, which since I'm Canadian is worth as much as the beads you gave the Indians for Manhattan. With this announcement, we in the IWC FINALLY had our proof that HHH was the all-powerful jack ass we all knew he was. After all, if Vince stuck by Pat after allegations that Mr. Patterson was using ring boys as inflatable toys, if you know what I mean, then things must really be hopeless if he’s turfing him now.

A lot of people were really upset over this prospect, saying Hunter’s power is now unstoppable (bar one extra-marital misadventure) but I was upset for another completely unrelated reason:

NO MORE PATTERSON JOKES. This is truly a sad day for me. Because, for the last two years I’ve always made an effort to make Pat the butt (with a dick in it) of my rants. Because, if you can’t laugh at anal molestation, what can you laugh at? Something witty & actually creative? Maybe.

Anyway, now that Patterson is a free agent, he’s likely free to go anywhere he so chooses, and one would assume that TNA would be a definite option, even if half the company name does repulse him (at least the first letter). However, the irony with that is that NWA TNA is actually even more riddled with nepotism than the WWE is! Jeff Jarrett is part owner, and as the booking has shown, as Champion, Jarrett has actually shown even less ass than Hunter, which if Patterson is coming in, might be the best idea! (Man, I can’t stop! Help me!)

Another option for Pat at this point is obviously to write a tell-all book, because after all, who knows Vince better than Patterson? As someone recently pointed out, Patterson not only knows where Vince buried the bodies, but in some cases he actually dug some of the holes! And hey, who knows how to fill a hole better than Patterson? Ok, this is the last one, I swear…

Anyway, a book by Patterson could shake up the wrestling world completely, jerking it around until it turned all purple, and was ready to burst. Although, I still think he’d never do it. But hey, who knows in wrestling? I’d buy a Patterson book, I know that. Hell, I even have a few titles picked out:

“Up to my Ass in work. The Pat Patterson story”.

"The dirt-road less traveled, the life & times of Pat Patterson"

"Hey muscley arms, those ring-steps look heavy. Confessions of Pat Patterson."

"If Fucking Pat Patterson really brings you opportunity, why did Brooklyn Brawler only win like maybe 3 matches ever?--An expose into the fallacies, and phalluses of Pat Patterson."

Ok, Ok, I admit it, this whole preceding paragraph was really an excuse to make A LOT of Patterson jokes. But can you blame me? I am losing my meal ticket.

That said, just when we seemingly had our proof that Hunter truly is the unrelenting, unstoppable evil Emperor of the WWE, the following comes out (pun intended).

-With Orton in the back, McMahon thanked the crowd, and then thanked Pat Patterson, introducing him for one last time. Vince told the fans that tonight was Pat's last night with WWE, he gave his life to wrestling, put up with a lot of bullshit, and thanked him.

- Patterson thanked everyone, and Vince then made him sing "My Way" - the Frank Sinatra song that Patterson is known for singing at karaoke bars. Shane and Stephanie McMahon came out and held the ropes for Pat, who left to "My Way" playing as he strolled back to the locker room.

And moments later, HHH emerged from the locker room and delivered a thunderous pedigree as JR yelled “Damn you, Triple H! Damn you to Hell!” as HHH took 30 minutes to pin him (opting to read about 5 chapters of War & Peace" first, as Stephanie had Lagana & Gerwirtz feverishly pack his belongings, the remaining integrity of Sylvan Grenier and the whole of Steve Lombardi backstage.

Ok maybe not. But where was the prodigal son in all of this? And I’m not talking about Shane. I'm talking about the one that Vince actually loves. I’m surprised that Triple H wasn’t out there too. After all, every time you hear about these things, there’s Hunter at the forefront. It just seems like something HHH would do to subtly rub salt in our wounds. But hey, maybe he was busy backstage throwing Pat’s bags into a running Taxi? Just make sure you put the bulk of the load into the back end. Pat prefers it that way. (ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD~!).

DA VINCEY CODE SOLVED!

In a recent edition of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, Vince McMahon was quoted, giving insight into his product, its superstars and Taboo Tuesday. (REVOLUTIONARY~!)

Now, with that said, allow me to break out the old Bullshit detector once again here and see if I can comb through these out of context quotes, and see if we can make some sense of these and attempt to find the “truth”… Or just make light of everything. Whichever.

Vince: "We wanted to get out of our Sunday rut. . . . This event (Taboo Tuesday) is all about newness and its revolutionary status."

The Truth: "This event is all about making more money! We’ve already bled you dry with sometimes TWO pay-per-views in ONE month…all without reducing the price on either, so we just said fuck it, let’s try a Tuesday, maybe the rubes will actually buy it! Hell, we can even tell them they can pick whatever matches they want! …Out of three choices. They have all the power! ...To pick one guy out of three people! It’s revolutionary!"

Vince: "Any time you try to force someone on an audience, saying 'Hey, he's a star,' they reject it. . . . We're in the entertainment business, but we know you can't (expletive) the public. If I'm pushing an idea too hard and they don't like it, they'll push back."

The Truth: "Then we decide you really don’t know what you should want and we push them anyway. Because we know what you should like, and you should like Triple H! And you shouldn’t like RVD… or Booker T… or Rey Mysterio. And you should definitely hate Chris Jericho. Did I mention that you should like Triple H? Oh , you can like Randy Orton too, but only because he’ll be feuding with….Triple H. "

Vince:"Our intellectual property is unique. It comes alive and . . . allows itself the venue of film, of video games, any medium. You may like a movie, but you can't see that movie performed live. An actor may make some kind of appearance, but it won't be the same. . . . Even Disney can't do (what we do). The closest you get is Disney on Ice.

Success (in wrestling) is all about being creative and having superstars," McMahon said. "The good thing about now, when we're not at the top of our game as we were a few years ago, is that it lets new stars evolve logically, just like in Hollywood."

The Truth: “Our product is just like the movies! A movie where the villain always wins and all the heroes look remarkably alike! Hey, you have a bald head and some tribal tattoos! Want to be a movie star?

Vince: "If we do our jobs correctly, people can't get enough of us - because we're giving them what they want."

The Truth: "Why is it that you CAN get enough of us? Hey, where you going? Don’t you know we have a kid who fights off four or five bad guys at once… just like the way Stone Cold use to? Remember him? You used to LOVE him, and I think you should love Randy Orton, too! He may not drink beer…but he could! Randy! You're not leaving here tonight until you finish that whole case! And stop crying! And raise that eyebrow! You're a champion of the people, damn it!".

And what’s that? You say you’d rather have Rob Van Dam be World Champion? You don’t really want that! He hurts people for “real” didn’t you know? Ok, no one can actually see him doing this, but he does, I promise! HHH told me!

And there you are. At this point, The Bullshit Detector exploded and killed 2/3rds of my family. But at least we were able to get to the bottom of some stuff. And that’s the important thing.

You’ll Never Forget The Name Of...Gold ~~Dust~~ Digger

Apparently, Terri Runnels, formerly of the WWE, and host to the most obvious "natural breasts" on the planet, (if they jiggle as much as a cement half-cantaloupe that means the doctor just did a GREAT JOB) recently opened up a website, where among other things, you can get her advice, and purchase articles of her clothing... for a reasonable price.

First and foremost, who would EVER take advice from Terri? Especially when it comes to “marriage”. After all, most people’s husbands don’t dress like a giant banana, wear women’s underwear, and are probably able to go an entire match without getting an erection.

And as for her clothing, why is it that every star, once they leave the spotlight, always thinks their shit is actually worth something? “Act NOW, and YOU can own the pie Jason Biggs put his cock in!” Anyway, normally I wouldn’t have a problem with all of this, but this tag line is what got me at her site about her “for sale” clothing: “Buy a piece of wrestling History!” A piece of wrestling history? Actually, you know what? She’s probably right. They are wrestling history! After all, some of these dresses may actually contain the DNA of Brian Pillman, Tom Zenk and Dustin Rhodes! Hell, if we had the right technology, we could probably clone more than half the 1991 WCW locker room from some of these outfits! Or, at the very least, create a fantastic hybrid wrestler from their various genetics! “Coming to the ring, “The Natural Flyin’ Z-Man”, Dustin Zenkman! I can just see it now.

Ah, I kid Terri, really I do. It just pisses me off when someone no longer famous expects their fans to pay money to get access to their sites. I may also be holding a grudge because Terri never wore a white t-shirt during those ridiculous WWE wet t-shirt contests, you know, instead of the slightly less transparent "deep mauve"....

Now A Word From Our Sponsor;

I thought since Pat Patterson has been so prevelent in this column, that we honor his contributions to the Fan over the years by re-printing this classic Ad from earlier this year:

Introducing: The New Product From WWE Foods, The Same People Who Brought You Steve Austin's Black-Eyed Peas, Comes: Pat's Manwich Meal!

Introducing: the Newest product from our fledgling TWF Food line, (the same people who brought you Steve Austin's Black-Eyed Peas) comes: Pat's Manwich Meal!

Are you hungry for a man-sized meal? Well crack open a can of Pat's Manwich! You see, Patterson has over 20 Years experience stuffing his meat into buns! And not any old buns will do, you see, Pat hand-picks the freshest, newest buns around, and fills the can personally with his own tender, love and care!

So, next time you have a man's appetite, let Pat fill you up. Because when you think of meat in the can...you gotta think Pat Patterson!

Also, Coming Soon! Pat's Ballpark Franks! You won't regret it when you put Patterson's wiener in your mouth!

Taboo Tuesday: The Forgotten Rant

Hello all, I’m Sean, and welcome to the PPV that’s just TABOO… unlike HHH simulating sex with a corpse, which was just good television…. Taboo Tuesday!

Tonight’s broadcast comes to us from Milwaukee…land of….people. People who love people.

The show opens up with Chris Jericho coming to the ring to defend his Intercontinental Title against a completely mysterious opponent not obviously Shelton Benjamin.

....We then flash backstage with a quick look at a myriad of no-hopers, hoping that tonight is going to be the night the Internet FINALLY vindicates their pathetic existence. No dice though. Let us cry a tear for Rodney Mack. He was like THIS close.

Anyway, among those sad souls was a personal dark horse for me, one Chuck Palumbo, better known now as Custom Chucky P, Auto-mechanic EXTRAORDINAIRE, and a man who exchanged working on the rear-end of Billy Gunn for working on the rear-end of custom cars. I can't say I blame him. Anyway, despite all my best efforts, Chuck still lost. Poor Chuck. I mean, haven’t you ever wanted anything more for yourself? I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into Chuck's sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out! Fuck! When, Lord when? WHEN'S GONNA BE MY TIME! …. Ok, I may have stolen this entire spiel from Jay & Silent Bob, sue me. (but please don’t, I have so very little.)

With that said, we learn that Shelton Benjamin (SURPRISE~!) by proxy of the vote, has the honor of meeting Y2J. The people have spoken and were definitely not at all influenced by Vince's not so subtle endorsement of Shelton on Raw. You know, the ONLY guy he promoted for this particular match. HOLY SHIT DO I FEEL LIKE A PROMOTER! I HAVE A SAY!.....

(C) Y2J Vs. Shelton Benjamin for Intercontinental Title;

Decent match here considering that neither man has really had much time to put anything together here, but still, it wasn’t as fast paced as I would have liked. But hey, beggars can't be choosers. EVEN IF THEIR VOICES ARE FINALLY BEING HEARD. GOD BLESS WWE FOR GIVING ME A VOICE. (Ok, I'll stop...)

Anyway, Benjamin seemed to be pretty over with the crowd, but they kept toggling between the two. Towards the end, we saw each man unload their heavy artillery (Jericho with your favorite exotic Jungle cat somersault and Shelton with his flying clothesline) but still they were unable to put one another away. Jericho ends up going for the Walls from there, but Shelton fights out and eventually catches Jericho as he jumped off the second rope, muscling him into a quick Exploder for the win…and the Title! The crowd then explodes! Unlike Jericho who's still in one piece, despite eating a hold that implies he would not be. What a gyp. I paid for an explosion. They should be sweeping up Chris right now.

Winner and NEW Intercontinental Champion: Shelton Benjamin. THERE AIN'T NO STOPPIN' HIM NOW. Because if they did? Boy would that song be awkward.

-We learn that Shawn Michaels won the popular vote, mostly because we motley crew of shmoes that call ourselves the IWC are the minority, regardless of what we might think. Truth be told, WWE’s true bread and butter lie with a guy who at this very moment, is arguing with someone like us over our claims that "HHH holds people down", with their answer being "Of course he holds them down! That's how you win a match, retard!" The future of the industry is in his John Cena foam-knux covered hands, and I for one am terrified.

Anyway, Edge is none too pleased over the announcement, as he seethes in anger, gritting his some 3000 teeth in unbridled Canadian rage. What's that all aboot.

Diva’s Battle Royal: Participant must wear a "School Girl Outfit" Participants: (C)Trish Stratus, Molly Holly, Jazz, Victoria, Nidia, Gail Kim, & Stacy Keibler.

I always laugh at the obvious double standard these types of matches create. I mean, the Divas are SUPPOSED to be "wrestlers" like the rest of the superstars, but yet, you never see any of, say, the cruiserweights, forced into school boy outfits. Wait. Forget I even mentioned that. We don't want to give Rob Feinstein any booking ideas.....

Anyway, first and foremost, I must say, Trish Stratus was probably wearing the hottest outfit I’ve ever seen in my life. With that said, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that there was indeed some serious masturbation material on hand here (no pun intended), but to my credit, I valiantly resisted the urge. Good thing too, because I’m sure my guests wouldn’t have appreciated it….

Standard T&A exhibition here, and not exactly a whole lotta wrestling. Of course, there was still the obligatory comments by Jerry Lawler, as he salivated over all the women involved, before finally stating, and I quote, he wished he was "still in Kindergarten". Damn, Jerry. You’re not even subtle anymore. Why not just take up a job at Kmart, King? At least that way you could say you have little girls pants half off, and not get arrested for it.....

Anyway, normally, I’d break down this Greco-Roman classic… but I, umm, don’t want to? That's right. The end came down to Trish, Molly and Stacy. After playing babyface in peril, Stacy got pitched out by Molly after attempting a corner float over, as she was caught and dumped out. This is usually how I end one night stands. It's probably also the reason why there isn't any 2nd night stands. I don't get it either.

From there, we're down to two. Or four if your chauvinistically counting the breasts in there as I am wont to do. Trish then quickly capitalizes on a Molly mistake and pushes Molly "through the ropes" for the win and not "over the top" because apparently the Divas want to show their equality with the men by.... not taking any bumps whatsoever. Equality FTW.

Winner: Trish Stratus and the stockholders at Kleenex.

Kane w/ Lita w/o fetus vs. Gene Snitsky w/ the entire "pro choice" movement.

This is a match where one of three potential weapons will be legal. Our choices as far as the weapons go are "lead pipe" , "steel chair" or a "chain". The Internet then chooses chain because they apparently have ZERO comprehension of WWE storylines. But seriously, take it from WWE fans to completely ignore the weapon (lead pipe) that this whole rivalry has been built around and choose something (a chain) that was probably just thrown in there to round things out. YOUR VOICE HAS BEEN HEARD!!!!!! Now shut the fuck up, already. You're ruining everything.

Anyway, this OFFICIALLY is a CHAIN MATCH, which basically means, well, it means nothing actually; and you’ll see why in a minute. The match itself wasn't exactly pretty. In fact, I'm sure there's a lot of pissed off bare foot bowlers right now just wondering where their shoes went. Hint: THIS MATCH.

With that said, the two use the chain on each other at various points of the match, but the real turning point is when Snitsky escapes a Kane choke-slam attempt, and the action spills to the floor, where Gene regains the momentum by kicking the stairs into Kane’s mid-section. OH NO, NOT HIS MIDSECTION. Buddy survived being set on fire at least 4 times by fucking count, so good luck kickin' him in the tummy. Ya, that'll be what finally stops him.

Snitsky then grabs a chair, wear’s Kane out with it, before placing it around his neck and crushing his throat with it ala Shawn Michaels. Kane then does the old blood gimmick by biting down on a condom in his mouth. I think this is how Patterson used to award pushes. Only he was still wearing the condom. Dear lord, live with that visual.

Snitsky then seemingly disappears (?) only to return about 30 seconds later and pin him for the decisive victory. Ya, that's right, Gene. This was a match.

After the bout, the EMT’s pretend to tend to Kane, and strap him to a gurney…you know, even though he has THROAT INJURIES….but Snitsky is having none of it, and tips the gurney over with Kane still on it! I SO have to try that next time I’m visiting someone at the Hospital. Wait, my bad. MEDICAL FACILITY. If WWE has no concept of the word "hospital", then damn it, neither do I.

Winner: GENE SNITSKY. Her body. His choice.

Eric Bischoff vs. Eugene (stipulation to be named after the match)

Uncle Eric must be ready for action tonight, because he's broke out his patented maternity Ninja suit tonight, I see. What’s his martial arts discipline again? Kung-food? Seriously, it’s kind of hard to take someone seriously as a master of the deadly black arts when they look like they’re retaining about 30 pounds of water, I’m sorry.

This one is kept relatively short (Thank God) and after a cheap shot early by Uncle Eric, Eugene "tards up" and channels (HOLLYWOOD) Hogan, and finishes Eric with the big leg drop. Good stuff. If only more retards knew catch as catch wrestling holds, instead of just only breathing through their mouths and shitting themselves, I might actually start donating to charities. I mean, really. A body slam is SO much more inspiring to me than learning basic life skills. Get your (completely disproportioned) heads in the games, retards.

Anyway, after the match, we learn that "Loser must have his head shaved" won by a landslide. Jonathan Coachman then tries to intervene, stating that Eric should instead just be Eugene’s "servant" for... five minutes? Man. Take it from a black man to not fully understand the full benefits of forced slavery. Oh.

This of course then brings out Vince who STANDS UP FOR THE FANS AND WHAT THEY WANT....SO LONG AS IT'S WHAT HE WANTS, TOO *Ahem*. Anyway, Vince hilariously mocks Bischoff’s dye job and forces him to be shaved or be fired, while making Coach wear the dress for meddling in the situation. Only in wrestling could your boss make a male secretary wear a dress. And believe me, I know. And I have a subpoena from the labor board to prove it.

Still, isn't it hysterical that Vince still has it out for old Easy E after all these years? YOU WON THE WAR, VINCE. Jesus. At this point, the only thing left for Vince to do to completely break Eric would be to fuck Bisch's wife while he watched. But then again, after that whole "Gold Club" debacle, he’d probably like that….

Winner: EUGENE. The sky's the limit for him. Next stop, THE WHITE HOUSE. The precedent has after all already been set. :)

=NA

(C)La Résistance vs. Edge & Chris Benoit for World Tag team Championship;

Edge made it quite clear that he wasn’t interested in the Tag Team Titles before this match, obviously foreshadowing the finish. Unfortunately, this wasn’t exactly one of these four’s best matches with one another, and really wasn't anything to write home about. Why you'd be writing home about a midcard tag match is anyone's guess, though.

Anyway, the end comes, when after Benoit works a large bulk of the match, Edge looks to get the hot tag, but the referee misses it, and Edge simply walks off, abandoning Benoit as a result, and keeps going, all the way out to his car... which is idling in the parking lot? Huh? Who the fuck leaves a car running for two hours in a Parking Lot? Anyway, back in the ring, La Rez double-team the lone wolverine, much to the disdain of the SPCA no doubt, whom every day save the noble 230 pound toothless wolverine from the clutches of poachers, hunters and renegade French Sympathizers, then safely release them back into their natural habitat of ~~Edmonton Alberta~~ Atlanta Georgia. Anyway, as the Frenchmen double-team Benoit, he actually rallies, knocking Grenier from the ring, before actually managing to get the crossface on Conway for the win, and the Titles! Wow. Totally hot finish to an otherwise by the numbers match.

Winner and NEW Tag team Champions: The Mega Hosers: Chris Benoit and Edge, eh. Let's all drink us one of dem dere mooseheads eh to toast dese sweet hoseheads.

Carmella vs. Christie: Final Match in the Worst of One Series…..err, I mean "Lingerie Pillow fight"

It'll be interesting to see what happens here, considering neither is exactly versed in pro wrestling. But hey, neither are half the "professionals" in the women's division either, so whatever. Although, in Carmella's defense, I heard she has an extensive background in catch-as-catch-cum. Hey, what? You don't hang around Hef's mansion that much and not do some freaky shit. I mean, I've seen pictures of fucking Mini-me floating with some pretty bangin' broads in that grotto. Which is both awesome, and completely depressing for those of us who have fully functioning pituitary glands and still aren't gettin' any....

Anyhoo, we find out that "Lingerie pillow fight" is the desired stipulation, and the WWE forces the two to change in huge cubicles that Coach insists are "transparent". And of course, by "transparent" he apparently means not at all see through. With that WWE logic in mind, let me say thus far how GREAT a show this has been! And it's not completely WASTING my money! Ahem. Anyway, the two take forever changing, as Carmella even seems to shy away from even casting a silhouette while she changes; and I can see why she’s shy. She after all only posed nude for the biggest men’s magazine on Earth. That's great. Mini Me can jack off on your cans in the Playboy grotto and that's ok, but we can't see a fucking shadow of a titty?.... MY VOICE HAS BEEN SILENCED. THIS IS BULLSHIT. BLARRRRRGHHHH.

Anyway, when the two finally do get to the ring, we learn that this pillow fight can only end in pinfall... and not the full-on lesbian debauchery that I insist all female pillow fights end in. Porno can’t lie. For real. Doctors don't wear clothes under their smocks and Pizza boys ALWAYS get tipped in blowjobs. Don't shatter my world, WWE. I have so very little. With that said, the match ends up lasting about as long as I would with these two, and that’s about one minute. Christie wins after hitting a HARDWAY pillow shot (OH THE ~~HUMANITY~~ HUGE MAMMARIES!) before rolling up Carmella to end the misery. And yes, once again, a PILLOW FIGHT ended in a pinfall. Funny, I don't remember going for sunset flips and fucking Oklahoma rolls when I had pillow fights when I was a kid. Or yesterday. I'm 27.

Winner: Christie. Loser: You. It's a Tuesday night, you just spent 40 dollars for this match, and you still have to get up for fucking work tomorrow.

HBK w/ one leg and one heart for the Lord vs. (C) HHH w/ No heart, and is lord of the locker room: World Heavyweight Title match.

I find it hilarious that after giving the fans "the power" to finally influence matchmaking, they still choose what WWE has been force-feeding us for like two years. We just can't win. I mean, wasn't the UNFORGIVING CONFINES OF THE UMM, UNFORGIVING DEMONIC DEVILISH, SATANIC, HELLISH, HELL IN THE CELL supposed to end this rivalry? So much for Hell being for eternity. Wait. I take that back. This PPV thus far has proven that point. And it's indeed a tough pill to swallow.

Anyhoo, speaking of swallowing pills, Michaels is apparently legitimately injured here, (a fact JR continuously hammers home), but still, HBK decides to gut it out and I applaud him and hope he finds his smile. (Check the sofa cushions. You'd be surprised what you'll find in there.).

Anyway, HHH obviously controls much of the match, but Michaels courageously works in his comebacks on one knee. However, if you believe that scummiest wrestling urban legends thread over at Death Valley Driver, Michaels has apparently done some of his best work on one knee. I kid. Anyway, what made this match work was the psychology. It's true. HHH and HBK argued extensively for an hour over whether or not Freud's theories on the unconscious mind, the Oedipus complex, defense mechanisms, Freudian slips and dream symbolism still hold water today. It was fascinating and informative. Or, maybe they just made us believe a one legged hippy had a fucking chance to win the World Title. I like my version better.

From there, HHH spent the bulk of the match pulverizing Michaels' injured wheel, and Michaels reactions and selling alone made it seem exciting...despite the fact that he really didn't do much (obviously).

Anyway, Michaels valiantly fights on, and refuses the Referee’s pleas to halt the match. WHERE WAS THIS REFEREE DURING THE LINGERIE PILLOW FIGHT? HBK then manages to harbor one last comeback, that amazingly included a top rope elbow "flop" (not enough air for it to be a drop). Michaels then finally struggles to his feet, and tunes up the band, but Batista, apparently not a music lover, runs-in and tries to interfere, but Michaels swats him off, before delivering a picture-perfect superkick that knocks HHH out. However, before Michaels can cover, the referee becomes distracted by Batista on the floor, allowing Edge to slide in and finish off HBK with a spear, which normally I'd say was sort of ironic... if I wasn't so terrified of going to Hell. Anyway, HHH simply crawls over and makes the pin to retain his title. Good match for what it was.

Winner: HHH. A one-legged HBK is then helped backstage, where he then meets up with one legged Zach Gowen and the two leave together to attempt to compete in those ubiquitous "Ass-kicking contests" JR is always talking about. I for one wish them luck. And legs.

Ric Flair vs. Randy Orton: Steel Cage match.

This is your main event, apparently. We learn that the stipulation chosen is a Steel cage match, as if the huge cage hanging from the ceiling didn't tip you off....

With that said, the two managed to put on a very good match, and probably my favorite of the night. Flair really had his working boots on tonight, as did Orton, and the two managed to actually put on more of an old school NWA-style cage match, rather than the traditional WWF "Hey,let's try and run away" cage match we used to get, where someone like Hulk Hogan climbs giant blue bars the size of fucking pizza boxes because he's too fucking clumsy to handle a real fence. Both men even did color, and buckets to boot. The funniest spot in the match saw Flair get his trunks pulled down, with Earl Hebner then helping the forgetful Nature Boy jack them back up while he lay face down on the mat. Talk about going above and beyond the call of duty. It’s not Tommy Young spooning Nikita Koloff’s penis back into his singlet, but its close.

Anyway, Flair tried everything to put Orton away, including a brass knuckles shot, but nothing worked. BY GAWD NOTHING WILL STOP THE TEXAS..err, WHATEVER KIND OF ANGRY POISONOUS SNAKE THEY HAVE IN ST. LOUIS! Finally, Flair decides to just book it from the cage, but Randy pulls him back in by the feet…but not before Flair grabs a steel chair. Back in, Flair tries a wild swing, but Orton ducks and finishes clean with an RKO for the win. Great match.

Winner: Randy Orton. The Toughest Brahma bull rattlesnake in the WWE. And damn it, you WILL love him. Even though they kinda took away everything that made you dig the dude in the first place.

After the match, Flair, covered in blood, extends his hand and the two shake, then hug. And it’s a manly hug because there’s the obligatory three pats on the back; so it’s all good from where I stand. What's not so good is trying to explain to the girlfriend who just entered the room, as to why "Doc Brown" is bleeding and wearing only his underwear. It's times like this I wish I had a time traveling Delorean. And maybe a clue that Back to the Future was fiction.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Man, do I feel like a promoter! You know, even though I never really got to choose anything, but whatever. You know, I'm starting to really think they only called this PPV "Taboo" because they couldn't think of anything else that went with "Tuesday". I mean, the only thing slightly risqué tonight was the sight of bare breasts, but unfortunately they didn't belong to any of the Divas, but rather Ric Flair, so it doesn't count....

Anyway, this PPV was all kinds of mediocre. I can't in good conscience really give it a full thumbs up. And not just because I smoked so much pot tonight my hands are numb and it's physically impossible. Not even. Decent show overall, but nothing blow away.

I'm Sean.

I Believe The Children Are Our Future.

I have to give WWE credit lately. In the last month or so, they do seem like they are pushing some new faces, maybe not in the Main Event, but at the very least, some newer wrestlers are getting the spotlight. And thankfully, they’ve created somewhat unique characters for them, rather than their usual routine of sending them out to the ring in a pair of boxed tights and having them get demolished by an Undertaker or Kurt Angle, you know, before ultimately earning the veteran’s “respect” and getting a playful tussle of the hair that almost yells “Oh, you little dickens!”. It's clearly awesome character-building and not completely lame and emasculating. Trust me.

Anyway, I thought I’d take brief look at a few of WWE’s recent “new faces” who have made the most impact, and give my two cents, which I fully expect back, because I'm far too bust writing INFORMATIVE COLUMNS THAN ACTUALLY WORKING FOR A LIVING, and thus need it to pay my rent. Or buy Pot. Or both.

Kenzo Suzuki: I must admit, at first, I shit all over this guy, if only for the reason that he was booked as a threat, despite the fact that he used the rare wrestling style of “catch as catch can’t”. But somewhere along the line, he developed a character, and has somehow became perversely amusing in his current role of insincere Pro-American; especially with his karaoke-like butchering of classic songs. Now, if only he could get a pair of pants that don’t look like the robe of a sleazy midnight hustler or my grandmother's bed-spread. Or at the very least fashion a full pair out of some of the extra material for frequent tag partner Rene Dupree to cover his perpetual erection. That'd be nice. And hey, speaking of Rene's perma-wood, why has Kenzo never used it to spring off of during Tag matches? I mean, who needs ropes when your partner's involuntary lack of muscle-control gives you a ready-made pummel horse to leap from during battle? Exactly. It's like a diving board made out of shame.

Heidenreich: Everyone knows of my disdain for the human turkey between the ropes, but even I must give credit where credit is due. Heidenreich has developed an amusing character. Rather than just being a raving psycho of the likes of a Sid Vicious, Heidenreich has instead chosen to add to the shtick by reading poetry, and occasionally fucking Michael Cole in the ass. Wow, a butt-fucking poet? Does Lanny Poffo know of this blatant gimmick infringement? All kidding aside, Heidenreich may still be the equivalent of the ugliest pair of bowling shoes in the universe inside the ring, but at least he’s finally developed a character… and that’s an improvement from where I stand (which for the record is right outside your bedroom window).

Gene Snitsky: What can I say about Gene Snitsky? He's the new (pock-riddled) face of wrestling . Never before has one man so captured my imagination...with so very little. I don’t know what it is, but Snitsky’s delivery is SO bad, it’s actually good. Know what I mean? It’s like going to a movie that is so terrible, that somehow it becomes amusing and you still feel entertained. It’s the same with Snitsky. He's wrestling's version of Plan 9 from Outer Space. Which is apropos because his back looks like the fucking moon. Here's a man who seemingly went from obscure fodder for Kane, to bona fide threat, all while promoting his “unique” stance on planned parenthood. I mean, he's not so much Pro-Choice as he is Pro-You don't have a choice. And I applaud that. I mean, why go to all the trouble of having Doctor Trickyfingers go elbow deep in your love-cavern, when Snitsky can solve all your problems with one steel chair? And you don't even need any stitches, or pain killers afterward. Sure, you'll never be able to sit down at a live event without bursting into tears, reminded that a 7 foot acne scar ended your fledgling attempt at starting a family, but it's clearly worth it. I'll keep this all in mind if I accidentally slip one past the goalie.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Who couldn’t appreciate a guy who somehow has made apples seem Bad ass? If the same was true for bananas, my grandfather could probably be WWE champion.

Anyway, Carlito is obviously a slightly more tongue in cheek take on the Razor Ramon character, which of course was derived from Tony Montana in Scarface. However, Carlito comes off much more comical, and it’s just a matter of time before he really takes off in my opinion. I mean, who couldn't get behind a guy who looks as if he is the off-spring of Side-show Bob and fucking Ricky Ricardo? Let's just hope Lucy had the good sense to be cool or heaven help her. In my opinion, Carlito has just about the most unique “look” in wrestling, and has actually managed to do something I didn’t think anyone could ever do: Bring back the Afro. Hell, thanks to Carlito, maybe even fucking Gabe Kaplan can get some work again. If only Mr. Kotter had have had the good sense to spit in Horshack and Vinnie Barberino's faces a little more often, I'm convinced he'd have kept control of that class a little better.

Anyway, it’ll be interesting to see where they go with these four men. Will they just be fodder for “bigger stars”, or will a mid-card act like Carlito catch on much in the same way a John Cena did? And more importantly, can Gene Snitsky shake this stigma that he’s a glorified “jobber”? I hope so, because I’m sure a lot of people thought a guy named Bill Goldberg, an unknown at the time, was a jobber when he came to the ring in 1997 to face Hugh Morris. And Goldberg never even had the decency to destroy a Fetus. Unless you count Rochester Roadblock. That guy was as close to an abortion as you get in this business....

Hunter Through Time!

[The following is a follow-up to my breaking story of "RIC FLAIR: TIME TRAVELER" from last Summer.].

We all know that when it comes to WWE, Triple H has a stranglehold, as you can’t go anywhere without the name or the face of the Game inevitably coming into play. Fact is, when WWE history books are (re)written, Triple H will no doubt go down in history as the BESTEST EVAR!!111. Literally. There won't be any record of anyone. As upon Vince's death, Big Steph & The H's will bury about 1000 pounds of digital footage of guys named "Hogan", "Hart" and umm, "Macho Man Savage" in the same plot as dear old Dad. It'll be something.

However, what would happen if HHH was also able to manipulate human history in the way he has seemingly wrestling’s? And more importantly, how would things have been different throughout time had HHH been alive during History's most famous occurrences? Would the Universe implode upon itself seemingly the way the WWE'S has? Would history's most significant and inspiring speeches be sadly forgotten because the "speaker" rattled on like 20 minutes too long saying the exact same shit? Sadly, we now have the answer. Last Summer, we learned just how this was possible. You see, apparently, one of Ric Flair's many accomplishments over the years, in addition to capturing a record 16 World Titles, was actually discovering the secrets of time travel, and more specifically, the idea for the “Flux Capaciter”, the very device that makes it all possible. The idea came to Slick Ric back in ‘83 in a bout with Harley Race. You see, as Race dropped a knee to Flair’s blond locks, it actually unlocked all the secrets of the universe! For as Flair Flair-flopped, he was instantly transported into an otherworldly kaleidoscope where the very means to create the time-bender were discovered. Some blamed the cheap Thunderbird Arn Anderson had given him a slug off of pre-match, but we all knew better.

Soon thereafter, Flair began construction on a vehicle that would open a pocket in time and allow the Nature Boy to pass freely, from this world to the next. Flair used said Dalorean to undo some of his most embarrassing defeats in addition to desperately trying to get human luggage like Lex Luger and his son David "over". A fledgling attempt that almost undid the very fabric of time and space. It was horrible. But soon, his legacy established, his lessons learned, the time-hopping Nature Boy passed his technology down to a man whom although he had the best of intentions with, would be a man who would not use its benevolent means to change history for the better. No sir. That man? Triple H.

In HHH, Flair thought he found a man to whom he could bestow his knowledge of space and time, and one he'd allow to use the device in the manner in which Ric had always intended. HOWEVER, HHH had other ideas..... You see, not just satisfied with cementing his wrestling legacy ('cause, let's face it, burying his Game in Stephy's Box kinda already guaranteed that), HHH instead used the device to open up his own worm holes (not Steph) and traveled through the catacombs of time, with the intention of rewriting history to completely and only benefit himself! And why not? Those guys don't even know how to work and have like no passion. Yes, my friends, holding down the majority of the locker room isn't the only "game" he knows, as apparently Trips now gets his kicks (to the stomach so to set up the deadly and indestructible world-ender that is the PEDIGREE) by traveling through several stages of our human history! From there, he usurps those individuals who made their marks and gets in on their most famous accomplishments! And if he can't do that? Why, he just marries their daughters. It's fucking brilliant. It's like the 2003 World Title scene... only with plutonium powered time machines! ..and better workers...

In any event, it is said that his first destination was the latter 1800’s, where he met up with Charles Darwin, helping him interpret his then fledgling view of Evolution. Gone was the theory that things adapt and change, and soon it was replaced with the mantra that nothing should ever change, and the best natural selection was in fact all threatening animals being fed to one animal so it and it only could maintain sustenance. Makes sense to me.

From there, it was said that other scientists and theologists were baffled as Darwin explained his controversial revised theory. Here is an exact transcript of the bizarre speech: “Evolution is a mystery. Full of changes that no-one sees. God makes a fool of History. Yesterday's too long ago. Don't agree with one alone. Tomorrow becomes the place to be. I see the light in the sand. Time to find out, who I am.” End quote. Strange indeed.

Soon thereafter, The Game would continue to travel the known time continuum, as he continued to change history to suit his own needs. However, not just satisfied with being an important part of history, HHH now coveted COMPLETE AND TOTAL CREDIT for himself. Luckily for us, we here at The Wrestling Fan.com sent our man on the scene, that we call “Bill Apter” for the sake of his identity, to cling on the underbelly of the time travel device itself, and snap the following photos far right, and give insight into these strange changes, in an attempt to expose The Game.

1) HHH travels back to the time of Jesus, and befriends the future savior of humanity (marking the 2^nd time in history he attempted to get in “good” with the Father). In the painting (seen above right) we see Hunter, as the 13^th disciple, breaking bread with the Christ during the Last Supper (all while creating a giant doggy bag of fish for Steph, because after all, JC could keep it perpetually filled.).

Soon Jesus & HHH were inseparable, making everyone laugh with their constant insistence of making reference to their genitals, playing childish practical jokes on the Pharisees, and turning bottled water into A LOT of bottled water. It is then said that after Jesus was put to death then resurrected, HHH got the idea to follow suit, and no-sell people’s finishers and like never lose or disappear. After Jesus ascended to heaven, Hunter took the leadership reigns. His sermon on the mounted and pinned mid-carders was said to be something to behold. However, before he too could by tried by The Romans, he stubbornly rebooked the whole thing, citing to Pontius Pilate that no one would really "buy" his execution and that Pilate just "wasn't ready for that spotlight yet". He then sent Pilate to Smackdown where no one heard from him again.

2) HHH traveled back to the Renascence era, and assumed the name of “Leonardo Da Vinci” (originally spelled "Da Vincey" in honor of dear old Dad) where he was said to revolutionize the world with some of his groundbreaking inventions. One of which was the creation of a heavy tool designed to break rocks that history would label the “sledgehammer”. It had many uses, most of which was smiting other uppity aspiring artists who never paid their dues. Those Amateurs.

Also, Da Vinci, quite the accomplished artist, debuted his most famous piece being the now priceless “Mona Steph” (as seen below). Priceless, because no one would buy it. Nor wanted to. Originally, Mona Steph was to be a nude, but Italy ran out of paint while trying to finish her breasts. True story.

3) HHH sits in on the signing of the Constitution, himself penciling in the somewhat unknown amendment known as “The Right to not do Jobs”. Anyone who disagreed with the amendment was then flogged with a secret sledgehammer taped under the table. No one would ever trust Triple H at a CONTRACT SIGNING again as a result.

In a side note, other gentlemen and signers that day were also said to find it strange that HHH signed the historic document wearing only a tiny black pair of pantaloons.

4) 1964.- Accomplished up and coming pugilist called MuHHHamad Ali, shocks the World by knocking out Heavyweight Champion, Sonny Liston. Also, noteworthy here is the first and only recorded Ref bump and pinfall in Boxing history. In a totally unrelated note, little known boxer Cassius Clay’s body was discovered, seemingly murdered with a heavy and blunt instrument. A half empty bottle was found at the scene. Ultimately, the homicide was blamed on an obviously framed hockey player named Ted Irvine about 6 years later... some six months before he would have sired his only son. Strange. Sadly, why someone would feel the need to prevent that from ever happening was never revealed or understood.

5)1969- Hunter Hearst Helmsley lands on the moon. As Neil Armstrong exited the shuttle, stepping onto the moon’s surface, the remaining astronauts were said to celebrate his accomplishment, Triple H included. Just then though, HHH gave the thumbs down, and Buzz Aldrin (who had Neil on his shoulders) dumped him backwards, and they proceeded to destroy the fallen astronaut…in zero gravity no less! HHH then finished Armstrong with a thunderous lunar pedigree (as seen above), before proclaiming “One-uh, small-uh, step-uh!…etc.). As a result, Neil was then sent through the Moon's surface, and out the other side, cascading through space and never seen again like he was Booker T's World Title hopes. Because yes, the Pedigree is that powerful. It's true. In fact, the sheer centrifugal force of Armstrong's impact then sent a ripple through space, subsequently destroying the earth's Ozone layer. Hunter blamed gas emissions and Rob Van Dam smoking pot. No one noticed.

Unfortunately, that’s where our exclusive exposé ended, as “Apter”, on the final journey, lost his grip and proceeded to fall into the very fabric of time, being physically obliterated over three thousand virtual universes. We’ll miss him, but not really. So, until I can finish fashioning my own time bending device of intergalactic travel (and I’m this close..) we’ll attempt to cover what we can, with the hope that the Universe lasts a little longer than the WWE.

OK, that’s it for this month. Like a father in the ghetto a week before Christmas, I'm out of here.

I’m Sean.