Stamford,
CT...
and beyond - The WWE Universe; it is
a phrase that we have all become accustomed to
hearing in the last several years, but it's one
that-- if a source who recently came forward is
correct-- just may soon become a literal way of
life for all sentient beings, if Vince McMahon's
nefarious plans ever come to full
fruition.
"WWE is building a Death Star,"
claims Brian Gewirtz, who wishes to remain
anonymous for his own safety. "It's a plan that
has been in the works for the last ten
years."
This shocking truth recently came
out after a Senatorial campaign, ran by McMahon's
wife Linda, ultimately failed.
"He has been
building a roid clone army since 2000," Gewirtz
continued. "To keep it secret, he eventually moved
the operation-- and all the identical clones--
from Louisville to Florida."
However, the
diabolical Mr. McMahon wasn't finished there. The
senate seat was only the beginning, apparently.
Eventually, the plan was to
dissolve the
entire Senate
altogether, to use these
identical musclemen to overthrow detractors with
spine-busters (A.K.A. Order: HGH), and then name
himself as Supreme Chancellor... and
eventual Emperor.
"He really has like,
zero idea how politics work," Gewirtz
laughed.
But where does the actual Death
Star come into McMahon's plot? Gewirtz was
reluctant to answer.
"We in Creative only
learned of its actual existence several weeks
ago," he instead revealed. "At first we heard they
had this huge obtuse ball that didn't work
properly. We, of course, assumed they meant
Husky
Harris, because of the explained
proportions. But the truth was, it was much, much
worse; and was even capable of being utilized and
filled by many men at once; a feat only matched by
backstage producer & WWE legend Pat Patterson
in the mid-1980's."
The first-hand sight of
it, however, apparently shocked many of his
co-workers, with most even assuming that the
gigantic battle station was simply a moon. Gewirtz
quickly corrected them.
"That's no moon,"
he had replied, flustered, before being fined then
and there by nearby officials for using the term;
one that, we were then told, was on a banned list,
along with "belt", "Wrestling", "Battle Royale",
and "Macho Man Savage".
"I should have
answered, 'That's no planetary surround sphere,'"
Gewirtz explained. "That would be the current
accepted terminology this week."
It,
indeed, was no planetary surround sphere. It
was so much more. Although, we've since
learned that WWE only has intentions of using it
to maybe 10% of its full potential, as per company
procedure.
The alleged Death Star, when
completed, is also said to cost in excess of a
trillion dollars: the cost of over nine-hundred
and ninety-nine trillion Chaperones starring
Triple H; or one fiscal loss of a single XFL
football season. It even recently tested its
weaponry... but that test went horribly
awry.
"Vince was yelling in the headset of
the technician powering up its death-ray, and that
man accidentally leveled Detroit in the
confusion," Gewirtz admitted before continuing,
"Strangely, no one seemed to notice, though, and
life went on from there as usual."
The
second test, however, proved ultimately
successful, a beam of pure energy projected
from space that obliterated its first scheduled
target with ease: Orlando, Florida.
"We
ourselves luckily only suffered
one
collateral loss in the attack," Gewirtz barked
with pride. "
Mike
Graham, who was 'scouting' in a Florida
strip club at the time, whilst bragging to anyone
who'd listen that he himself invented the Death
Star... and everything else connected to the
industry/astrophysics. We ultimately shrugged and
never looked back, though, because for the life of
us, we couldn't really recall what he actually did
here for a living, or why anyone ever cared about
him. Oh well."
Even
with its destructiveness clearly evident, and with
nothing of value truly lost, (although Gewirtz
claimed that the destruction of the TNA Impact
Zone in Universal Studios was like, "a hundred
jaded voices suddenly crying out in terror, trying
to get themselves over at the expense of the show,
only to then be suddenly silenced) the über weapon
has still apparently hit a minor roadblock,
according to the terrible writer.
"Vince
still wants it
bigger," Gewirtz predictably
informed us. "It was kind of undersized for his
liking, despite it having no bearing on its
ability, so he brought in a scientist named
Zahorian -- and it's since increased 35% in mass
in like, 2 weeks."
What does this actually
mean for
US, and just what is
McMahon's intention with the vaunted space-bound
destroyer upon its accepted completion? Gewirtz
was again hesitant to answer, but eventually caved
when we feigned laughing at three separate jokes
involving poop, homosexuals, and pooping
homosexuals.
"Blackmail," Gewirtz then
better explained. "Pure and simple. Embrace John
Cena or face total genocidal annihilation."
We here at TWF don't know which scenario
holds grimmer and more terrifying long-term
ramifications. Clearly, we're fucked either
way.
*This just in: UFC, under
Dana White's supervision, is said to have already
built a Death Star of their very own; one
allegedly ten times the WWE's size, power &
potency. It's already said to be aimed at a small
Russian
Airport for some strange reason. More
on this story as it develops. 
