THE "A" STANDS FOR ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT...
Guess who's rumored to be playing Captain America?
Don't know? Well, it'd be coooooler if ya did... because, the
big rumor out of Tinsel-town right now is that the
announced 2011 adaptation of CAPTAIN AMERICA,
just may star good ole Wooderson himself, Matthew McConaughey! And I say, why
not? He wouldn't even need the Serum. You could
just light him a big fat red white and blue bowl,
and he'd become just as impervious to injury. And if not?
Well, he won't remember shit come morning anyway. I'm
telling you, it'd save the government MILLIONS. Ok, tens
of thousands. There'd likely stilly be a huge grant needed to
cover all the bags of Funyons and raw cookie-dough
required to maintain Caps'
sustenance.
Seriously
though, the thought of a laid-back slacker pot-head
playing the completely straight-laced, no-nonsense poster
boy of Americana brings me nothing but joy. And not just
because I'm also high, and everything right now brings me joy.
Not even. And not just because half the movie would
feature the rest of the Avengers desperately trying to
get Caps out of bed before 3pm and then getting furious
when he trades in his suit and shield for a pair of
Bongos and a fucking Hemp necklace, all while he uses
Iron Man's suit power-reserve to host his grow room. From
there, the
other half of the movie is just him no-showing a
final showdown against the Nazi's so he can petition
congress to legalize Marijuana. It's a recipe for success! A
recipe that contains two parts brownies and two parts pot, and
equal parts SWEET FUCKING HIGH. But the best part of the
whole debacle would definitely be the potential
dialogue. Trust me. Just
look:
Captain America: "You know
what I like about this Super Soldier Serum, man? They keep
gettin' older, but I keep stayin' the same
age..."
This shit
writes itself. I'm telling you.
So, here's to Matthew McConaughey as Captain
America! Now all we have to do is get Woody Harrelson cast as
Red Skull, and the cycle will be complete. The whole movie can
culminate in them just putting aside that whole "Freedom vs.
Tyranny thing", splitting some Acapulco Gold
while sitting on the sofa in big assed Bermuda shorts,
eating Cheetoes, staring at their hands and laughing, and
having conversations that they'll never ever remember having.
Conversations like
THIS:
Captain America:
"So, why do they call you, Red Skull, Red
Skull?"
Red
Skull: "Duuude, I think it's 'cause I got
a Red Skull."
Captain
America: "That's cooool. Have you ever
thought about that, man? I mean, really thought about
it? You got a Red Skull, and they call you Red Skull?
Imagine how all awkward that'd be if you're skull wan'nt red?
People'd get all confused and shit and be all saying, this
whole thing'd make waaaayyy more sense if his skull was the
right color. It's totally cool, really when you really,
really think about
it".
Red
Skull: "That's so true, man. Hahaha.
Soooo, true. Red Skull. And I got a red skull. I'm
just lucky, I
guess."
Captain
America: "You're telling me. So, tell
me, man, why do they call you Red Skull
anyway?"...
Tell me you wouldn't watch this
movie.
I'm
Sean.
And my
judgment can't be trusted. Because I also want Jason Mewes
cast as Thor, and Kevin Smith cast as ANYBODY. If I have my
way, the entire Avenger's headquarters will be smokier than a
fucking Turkish Bath house. Plus, when the Authorities get
tipped off, they can just all give their Stash to Ant-Man, and
he can shrink that shit down 'til the smoke (HIYO) clears. And
I'll love every fucking minute of it. Mostly because my
diminished capacity will insist on
it.
