WWF's EVEN MORE
UNUSUAL MATCHES
Approx running time:
90 min.
Approx time period
covered: 1986 - 1987
Released:
1987
Traditionally sequels don't
live up to their predecessors, and high expectations are
usually squashed. Then, once in a while, a sequel somehow
surpasses its original, taking what was successful about the
first, and taking it to the next level. This is not one of
those cases.
Hello Rasslin' nuts, this is
your party host Sean Carless, and today we'll be opening
up the Dusty box (coincidentally also the pet name for
Dusty Rhodes' wife) and we pulling out this: "WWF's Even More
Unusual Matches", which of course is a follow up
to Most Unusual Matches. No word on whether further
sequels "What, again with the Unusual Matches?!" and "I swear,
this is it. No more Unusual matches!" ever hit video
shelves.
Your hosts for this roller
coaster ride of emotions are Luscious Johnny V. who was amidst
putting over the brand new Barber and pre-Anthrax Brutus
Beefcake, along with Craig DeGeorge, who bore an uncanny
resemblance to the Karate Kid's Ralph Macchio, only not
possessing any of the sweet and not at all unrealistic karate
goodness that would ever make me care about
him.
Ok, on with the
video!
02/07/87 Randy Savage vs. Bruno
Sammartino (Lumberjack match)
This was in the midst of Savage's
celebrated Intercontinental Title reign. His opponent here is
the "Living Legend" Bruno Sammartino, who was returning
to the famed Boston Garden, in an effort to prove once
and for all that this wasn't your grandpa's wrestling
anymore.... this WAS YOUR GRANDPA! No knock on Sammartino
though, who surprisingly held up his end of the match, despite
having the same stunned look on his face throughout that my
Grandad has when you flick his newspaper.
This match was wrestled under
"Lumberjack rules" which meant that the ringside area would be
surrounded by wrestlers who'd toss a wrestler back into the
ring in the case he tried to run away. And once again, not one
tree was cut down. What kind of lumberjacks are you people?
All kidding aside, the concept for
this match actually really did stem from Lumberjacks, who were
said to circle an ongoing fight and make sure issues were
settled by preventing anyone from running off. They just
had the common decency to wear pants while they did it,
unlike these WWF
guys...
Anyway, Savage dominated early
on, using the dreaded imaginary foreign object
of DOOM before eventually hitting an impossibly
far double axe-handle half way across the ring which
Bruno sells like a trooper (A 1940's storm trooper that is!
Did I mention how old Bruno looked here?). Anyway, Bruno
starts umm, Brunoing up? and Savage ends up getting
tossed outside where arch-rival Ricky Steamboat is waiting.
Apparently the Dragon is still sore over the whole "crushed
larynx" thing. What a big baby. I crush my larynx ALL the time
and you never hear me complain about it. Anyway, Steamboat
dishes out some patented Ricky chops and rolls Savage into the
waiting arms of Bruno who applies a BEAR HUG, but before the
submission, King Kong Bundy breaks it up (I'm convinced he
only signed up to be a Lumberjack in hopes that he'd get that
world famous Lumberjack breakfast out of the
deal) drawing a disqualification! Ohh that Bundy.
Winner by DQ: Bruno
Sammartino.
10/20/86 Tag Team Battle
Royal;
It's always amused me how well
Battle Royals have always gotten over, despite basically being
the exact same match every time. By the way, this was a
Tagteam Battle Royal for the prize of $50,000, or how much one
of the Diva hopefuls today will make for wiping their ass.
It's funny, but a cash prize could really only have
gotten over back then, because let's be frank, why would I
care that Joe Blow just *Won* 50,000 dollars? How does this
benefit me, John Q. Hayseed at ringside?
Some of the Tagteams involved
were the then-champions British Bulldogs, The Harts, Bundy
& Studd, The Dream Team, Muraco & Orton, The Rougeaus,
The Killer Bees, The Machines (Big & Super) and a
babyfaced Islanders (Haku & Tama) who were not
representing the NHL franchise, but instead were a
couple big bad Samoans. And since "Samoans" had already been
taken, I guess "Islanders" was all they could choose from,
except maybe the Headshrinkers...but who in their right mind
would name a Samoan team that? Hey
wait.
The rules here were that no one was
allowed to execute an ACTUAL wrestling hold errr I mean once one member of a
squad is eliminated, his luckless partner has to follow suit.
The Harts & Bulldogs go out simultaneously, probably to
mask Dynamite's recent back injury, but I'm not sure.
Anyhoo, I could give you blow by blow here, but quite frankly,
I don't want to. All you need to know is that it came down to
Bundy & Studd and the Islanders(?!).
In any event, Bundy and
Studd kick the living shit out of Tama, as Bundy even puts
some extra mustard on a big avalanche in the corner. But,
ultimately, Heel miscommunication prevails, and Bundy
accidentally knocks Studd from the ring on an errant
charge so The Islanders win the Battle Royal and the
$50,000!... well, until Vince pried the kayfabe check from
Haku backstage. Too bad too; that money would have come
in handy to pay the crew of people it'd take to give him a
haircut years later.
Winners: The Islanders.
/5
06/14/87 Hulk Hogan vs. Harley Race (Texas death
match)
This was a WWF Title match
featuring the then King, "Handsome" Harley Race. And for the
record, Harley was about as 'handsome" as Lita is virtuous,
but whatever.
Harley's career was winding down
here, but you wouldn't know it. His moves were still crisp and
his selling really made the Hulkster look like a million
bucks. This was in the hey-day of Vince snatching up every top
territory wrestler and brilliantly feeding them to Hulk, to
thus put over Hogan as THE one true champion of the day.
This is wrestled under Texas Death rules which means... well
it means shit. Texas Death rules have varied every time
they've been used. And for the record, once again, no one
died, despite the match's implications. False
advertising!
Anyhoo, this was for all intents and
purposes just a no DQ match. Harley
was all headbutts here which ultimately would be his undoing,
but not before he peeled off a Benoit-esque headbutt from the
apron to Hogan who was on the floor. Harley would
eventually retrieve the WWF belt and deliver a gut shot
to the Hulkster's radiated orange middle that caused him to
collapse in pain. Harley then placed the belt under Hulk's
head and headed upstairs to the top. I find myself yelling
"Noooooooo!" in slow motion like they do in the movies when
there is impending danger, as Harley cascades from the
top and connects his celebrated "halfro" with the WWF Belt,
right after Hulk had rolled clear. Hogan then retrieves said
belt and runs into the ropes for extra momentum and grills
Harley between the running lights and gets the pin. Good
match.
Winner: Hulk
Hogan
06/06/87 Hulk Hogan vs. Harley Race
(Texas death match)
I thought to myself, this is odd,
a rematch with the same stipulation? I then was excited to see
how they'd top the previous encounter. And they did top it by
doing- ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. This was the EXACT same match bar a
few holds! Man, why didn't they just have two dudes walk past
holding a huge banner that read "WRESTLING IS
FAKE?".
Well, with all the single-handed
killing of 100 years of kayfabe aside, this match was at least
as good as the first. But, somehow, I suspect Harley would
fall for that same headbutt finish yet again, call me crazy.
Winner: Hulk Hogan.
~SURPRISE!
1987: Hercules vs. Billy Jack Haynes (chain
match)
"I have the best Full Nelson!...
"Nah huh, I do!"..."Na huh!" This was the basic premise for this feud
between the two masters of the Full Nelson... well at least
while Ken Patera was still a Prisoner of the State for a few
more months.
Anyway, this looks to be taken
from a WWF TV Taping. No visible Bobby Heenan in sight for the
record. The two actually get pretty hardcore for the WWF at
the time, and do some pretty solid color off of the chain
shots. Not a bad match by any stretch of the imagination
though. The finish was actually very creative in retrospect.
Being that it was a no disqualification match, Herc hog-tied
Bill Jack's feet to the ropes and with Billy unable to free
himself, he was left easy prey for a pin (still assisted by
the ropes with his feet for good measure by Hercules).
Although Herc gets the last laugh
here, one has to wonder why Billy Jack just didn't decapitate
Hercules with his bowler ala "Odd-Job" from the Bond movies.
Could have saved himself a lot of grief if he had.
Winner: The Mighty
Hercules.
11/01/86 Candice Pardue & Penny
Mitchell vs. Judy Martin & Lelani Kai
This was of course the
pre-glamour "Glamour Girls" here that features the birth of
the Powerbomb, called the "drip-dry" by Lord Alfred Hayes.
Drip-dry? Ewww, sounds more like the result of an S.T.D or
something. Anyway this match was back in the pre-diva days of
women's wrestling where the average Woman wrestler was built
like a wet bag of laundry. Now adays, thankfully, the
only place you'll see shapeless women in floral printed
bathing suits running amuck is at the beach.
Judy Martin & Lelani were a
very formidable tag team, but wouldn't really come into their
own until their matches with the Jumping Bomb Angels in late
1987, early '88. The end in this one though comes when Judy
breaks up an attempted pin on Kai and delivers North America's
first Powerbomb to pick up the win. It's funny, but this match
really was just a setup to see the powerbomb, but whatever.
Winners: The Glamour
Girls
/5
-Next up they have a quick
feature on "The Animals of the WWF". Featured are Damian,
"Frankie the Bird" (just in case you forgot he was in
fact a BIRD; I guess, he was after all, so human-like...)
and Ricky Steamboat's oft missed Gila Monster. And No, this is
not the nickname for Ricky's penis given by Bonny, en route to
the spawning of "The Little Dragon"; no sir; it was, in fact,
a real Lizard that was brought in to thwart Jake and his
various snakes during their 1986 feud, then completely
forgotten about forever. Whatever.
WWF 04/23/87 Hulk Hogan & Billy Jack
Haynes vs. The Hart Foundation & Danny Davis
This one was unusual because it
was a handicap match. Danny Davis is of course the disgraced
former Referee that somehow quietly becomes a Referee
again, as if nothing ever happened, some two years later. Damn
you continuity! It's as if I don't know
you!
Davis is adorned in a white
tanktop and tights with Referee stripes. Get it? He's a former
Referee! Hammer home that subtlety WWF! For the record,
being forced to wrestle in a shirt is usually a sign that the
office is not too happy with your physical shape. But in
Davis' case it was actually because he was in "too
good" of shape. They wanted him to seem pathetic, and he
looked too much like a real "Wrestler"..even though he was
now, *gulp*, a WRESTLER. I don't get it
either.
This match of course was the big
blowoff of the celebrated Hogan/Billy Jack Haynes Vs. Hart
Foundation WARS that lit up the country. What? There was no
feud? Not Ever? Then why?..Why damn it! Anyway, this isn't much of a match either as Hogan seems
to effortlessly dispatch Jim Neidhart with a leg drop out of
nowhere. Ok then. Hulk then gets the big payoff by beating
down Davis post-match. And Haynes at least gets the Hogan rub,
so much so that he was never really heard from again in
the WWF. That's not a rub. That's an Indian burn! I have no
idea what that means...
Winners: Hulk Hogan & Billy
Jack Haynes
/5
01/03/87 Bunkhouse Battle Royal
Bunkhouse Battle Royal basically
meant that you dressed for battle in whatever you felt like.
Unfortunately, this stipulation allowed for some real
eye-sores. Like Haku in some really unflattering Bicycle
shorts. I mean, BICYCLE SHORTS? When was the last time you saw
a Savage casually cycling down the street on a ten
speed?
King Kong Bundy also looked a lot
less imposing than usual in some coveralls; that suggested
that when he wasn't callously breaking Hogan's ribs, he was
happily repairing your air conditioner. The only other thing
that stood out for me was Lanny Poffo adorned in a suit of
armor, which I'd assume had a rather easily detachable
codpiece.
Anyway, much like EVERY Battle
Royal EVER, there is a lot of stalling, complete with the
obligatory "I'll appear that I'm trying to push you out, but,
really I'm making sure you don't accidentally fall out" spot.
The final three are Bundy, The Duke of Dorchester Pete
Doherty(?!) who I guess was wearing his patented "really ugly
Irishman" costume, and Blackjack Mulligan. Duke gets pitched
by Bundy, and is so peeved that he returns with a chair and
levels Bundy, allowing Mulligan to throw him out and win.
Imagine that, the match WON by the only guy dressed for the
occasion? SWEET IRONY! It's as if they booked this match for
his benefit or something.
Sure as hell beats having to be a
Machine though, right Blackjack? For the record, Blackjack was
the BIG machine. He spent the better part of 1986 having the
patented swollen Windham features hidden under a black hood.
The other Machines were Bill "Demolition AX" Eadie as SUPER
machine, and you know, I'm not too sure who that Giant machine
was......
Winner: Blackjack
Mulligan
/5
02/02/76 Cocoa Kid & Little
Louie vs. Billy the Kid & Little
John;
Isn't this a nice way to close
off the tape. Well, little people do equal HUGE ratings
according to Al Snow. Actually, this is a lie to spare their
feelings. In reality, Midgets are filthy little creatures,
void of any human emotion. Hey, legends of Trolls had to start
somewhere, think about it. Anyway, this was your token Midget
match with lots of near falls and laughs for all the people
with fully functioning pituitary glands in the audience. Cocoa
gets the pin here with a rolling leg cradle to end the
misery.
For the record, Little Louie
would be seen almost twenty years later as one of Jerry
Lawler's team members at Survivor Series'94. I think he may
have been "Cheesy", I don't know. Sadly, Louie is no longer
with us. What? He's not dead? I thought midgets expired young?
Maybe I was thinking of mongoloids, I don't know.
Winners: Cocoa Kid & Little
Louie
/5
Well, that's it for this "can't
hit" prospect. I recommend, if only to see Harley Race Vs.
Hulk Hogan. and of course, Harley Race Vs. Hulk
Hogan....
/5