(0riginally posted in February
2004)
This fall,
CBS Viacom will team with World Wrestling
Entertainment to bring you Classic TV
revisited, only this time featuring WWE
personalities in starring roles, in our
desperate attempt to administer some FULL
NIELSEN'S! (HIYO!). I mean, it's either
this or more Survivor! And seriously, who wants
to see the same shirtless imbeciles all
in-fighting and doing the same exact shtick week
in and week out with no change in sight?
Well, unless it's RAW you're talking about,
then, umm, ya, it's awesome! In any
event, this is something we at CBS are
calling "Must-Miss TV"! Fuck you,
Frasier! Let's get to the
line-up!:
"Paul In The
Family"
Starring: Carol O'Connor, Sally Struthers,
Triple
H;
Plot: Paul
Levesque marries into the Bunker Family, and
Archie tries to figure out what kind of "game"
he is up to by marrying his slightly overweight
daughter.
"The
biggest struggle we had of course, is that Carol
O'Connor has been dead for several years; but,
thankfully, HHH informed us of his vast
experience of working with buried
people".
-Director.
Episode
one:
There is newlywed tension when
"Paul" reveals to his new wife that he
cannot lie down for her, because, he has a
medical condition that prohibits him from lying
on his back for more than two seconds at a time.
He then goes next door and tells the Jefferson's
that "their kind" could never be champion. He
then pedigrees George, leaves for 30 minutes,
come back, pins him, thus proving his
point.
A
Flair for the Golden Girls.
Starring: Ric Flair,
Bea Arthur, Betty White & Rue Mclanahan;
Plot: Ric Flair, adjusting to retired
life, moves down to Florida's elderly community.
Hilarity ensues, as he stops the
fledgling hearts of the community's elderly
with big chops.
"Ric
is just great here. His interactions with the
'Golden Girls' are just amazing. He's just
so overzealous! Just the other day, he
completely improvised the scene by thumbing Bea
Arthur in the eye and kicking her low in her
fragile pelvis! She then died! Flair
then lightened the mood by cutting an
insane jig, than dropping a phantom elbow on the
sound stage! Great stuff!
-Producer.
Episode
one:
A game of shuffle-board goes awry,
when Ric lives up to his moniker of "Dirtiest
Player in the Game" by knocking out Sophia
with a hidden international object,
then accidentally crushing Rose after
insisting on being tossed off the top of a
cabana by Blanche
Devereux.
Who's The
Hoss?
Starring: A-Train,
Judith Light & Alyssa Milano;
Plot: An
unnaturally hairy single-father crosses the
tracks (HIYO) to make a new life with his
daughter in quaint
Connecticut.
"Albert is the new generation of
leading man. Gone are the usual stigmas of
being good looking, or in some cases, even
having any talent whatsoever"-
Director.
Episode
one:
Neighbors wonder why, even though he is terrible
at his job, Angela keeps Albert employed, even
though there are clearly many people
more qualified for his spot. Maybe it's
because just he's so big. Who'd
buy someone small and athletic... umm,
cooking and cleaning, anyway? That's just
absurd.
Saved By The Bell's
Palsy
Starring: Jim Ross,
Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen
& Mario Lopez;
Plot: Good Ol' JR
transfers into Bayside as "Executive vice
president of High School operations"
(Principal). Tempers rise when he butts heads (a
size 8 hat size, by gawd) with school
troublemaker, Zach Morris, who earns the
Principal's disdain immediately by scalding
his dog, beating his mule donated by way of the
government, then getting a case of the
limber-tail. A three episode arc
is expected just to explain what in the
fuck that even means. By gawd.
"Jim
seems to have taken an almost creepy liking
to Mario Lopez, constantly referring to him as a
"muscular quarter-horse".-
Director.
Episode
one:
Mr. Belding (J.R.) convinces Zack that in order
for him to compete with the "Hoss-like" A.C.
Slater for the affections of school by
gawd Jezebel, Kelly Kapowski, he must first
build up his upper-body...then, and only then,
can Zack truly "be in the
hunt".
Heenan
Family Ties
Starring: Bobby
Heenan, Michael J. Fox & Meredith
Baxter Birney;
Plot: Bobby
Heenan is the Brains behind his
suburban family;
Episode
one:
Bobby shocks his quiet neighborhood when he and
his family conduct a 5 on 1 attack on that
humanoid, Skippy, leaving the young man
with broken ribs after several Avalanche
splashes from Tina Yothers.
Hogan's
Heroes!
Starring: Hulk
Hogan, Brutus Beefcake, Jimmy Hart, Jim
Duggan & Brian Knobbs;
Plot: Remake of
the original with Hulk Hogan &
Friends coping with life in a
German P.O.W. camp. Hulk & the gang
ultimately escape in the very first episode,
thus immediately ending the series, because
the guards made the unenviable mistake of trying
to punch Hulk in the head more than two times,
and well, Hulk decided he didn't want to
put the Germans over. They couldn't sell
out a Flea Market. Or take Europe. But mostly
the first.
"For
years people have speculated what would happen
if the Nazi's had to tangle with the unbridled
power of Hulkamania. In fact, had the ATOMIC
LEGDROP existed in the 30's, I doubt there'd
have even been a war.... Or a World. It's that
devastating".
- Director under threat of
being body-slammed.
Episode
one: Col. Hogan takes
the rap for his buddy after there is
a panic in the camp after a mysterious
white powder is discovered in a near-by
foot locker. Luckily it just turns out to be
cocaine. He then body slams every obese
German in plain sight, because, damn it, that's
what you do to fat-assed
foreigners.
Here
Comes The Growing Pains!
Starring: Brock
Lesnar, Alan Thicke, & Kirk
Cameron;
Plot:
The mild-mannered Seaver family
takes in a 300 pound street orphan; Yet are not
weirded out by the fact he seems to never wear
pants.
Episode
one:
After a tumultuous recovery, Carol (Tracey Gold)
seeks revenge after Brock unapologetically
powerbombs her, breaking her neck and driving
her to bulimia. This is still somehow more
credible and believable than the plight
of Bob Holly.
Coming Soon: Everybody Loves
Kanyon!
Sean Carless is a man of many
hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky
Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal
Wrestling. He has also cured
AIDS.
Send Feedback to
Sean
Carless
