Onto the show...

Torrie Wilson opens up the pay-per-view, welcoming us all to the show in full Americana splendor; wearing a revealing Uncle (Aunt?) Sam outfit, that really made we wish that our forefathers had made a few minor changes to the 2nd amendment and proclaimed "the right to bare breasts". Oh well.

John Cena w/ chain gang Vs. RVD w/ chain smoking Vs. Booker T w/o leg chains Vs. Rene Dupree w/o cheesy chain related joke because I can't think of anything. 

John Cena opens up the festivities with one of his better raps in recent memory. He  makes light of RVD's pot smoking, Rene's manhood (not that manhood...but I don't know how he could miss it) and Booker T as "G.I. Bro", which was AWESOME. Ah, G.I. Bro. What could have been. If only Booker had truly taken a page out of G.I. Joe's book and  was never able to hit any of his foes no matter how hard he tried. You'd just see an axe kick, an explosion, then John Cena safely parachuting out of the smoke completely unscathed. Yo Joe.

Anyway, decent enough match, but the elimination formula didn't lend too well to the action, as for the bulk of the contest, there were two men fighting in the ring, while the other two just stood on the floor with their thumbs up their ass, waiting for their chance to trade places with one of the dudes in the ring. An easy remedy to this probably would have been making them tag in and out, but hey, that'd make too much sense (a theme to this ppv, as you'll soon see.).

The first elimination is actually Rob Van Dam who gets rolled up by John Cena after nailing a huge FROG SPLASH on Rene Dupree (Sweet Irony~!) and stupidly stumbling into Cena after his post-splash self-sell job.  Which of course begs the question; why does Rob almost die every time he hits a frog splash, but Eddy Guerrero doesn't? Although, on second thought, If I had raw cookie dough, funions and Little Debbie's floating around in my stomach like Rob, landing gut first onto objects might not be the best idea. MYSTERY SOLVED.

This now just leaves Cena, Dupree & Book, but soon after, Cena disposes of Dupree with the FU, but Booker steals his pin, temporarily taking Cena out with a running scissors kick. HE'S RUNNING WITH SCISSORS! That's taboo. Or something. After the fall,  Rene and his perpetual erection now have to head to the back, hopefully to put on the heaviest pair of slacks he can find. (One can only hope anyway).

Anyway, this just leaves Cena and Booker, and Book goes in FOR THE KILL...with a headlock? This goes on for several minutes, and in the throws of this debilitating hold, Cena gives some of the most ridiculous facials I've ever seen. Only Cena could sell pain by looking like he's constipated, desperately trying to push a sequoia log through his asshole. Anyway, Cena escapes the headlock, and goes on brief offense, but Booker regains the momentum almost immediately, and looks to finish with another scissors kick, but Cena side steps then quickly scoops up Booker in the FU, hits it, and retains the title. 

Not a bad match by any stretch of the imagination, but a lot of the psychology didn't make much sense. I mean, why didn't Booker just pin Cena after that first scissors kick, rather than electing to pin Dupree? Wasn't the whole point going into this match to eliminate Cena? Or did weeks of TV lie to me? And better yet, why am I having a deep conversation with myself here? 

Winner: John Cena. And the white hip-hop community across the globe rejoice. They then look for a high five, but sadly it's left hanging because they have no friends. But those beats still be fresh and phat ass whack, yo. I seek comfort in that.

/5

-Backstage, we see Charlie Haas and Miss Jackie, as Cena walks by. Cena then apparently hits on Jackie, much to the chagrin of Charlie.  From there, Haas tries a little metrosexual magic of his own, but is unfortunately interrupted by the wheelchair bound "Professor A" Kurt Angle, who expresses disgust in his former protégé. Why he's talking rather than telepathically entering Charlie's subconscious, I have no idea. Angle then makes Haas face his NEW protégé Luther Reigns, next, before heading back to Cerebro to watch the remainder of the show.

-We are now taken to a skit where Sable is sitting in a hot tub. However, due to her advanced age, she completely dissolves in the water like porridge before she can finish her promo. This may have only happened in my version.

Charlie Haas w/ Miss Jackie Vs. Luther Reigns w/ ...bullet wounds? 

There is strangely no mention of Haas's partner in FABULOUSNESS Rico, or his injury, as Miss Jackie just accompanies Charlie to the ring as if it's another day at the office... an office that let's you wear a one piece fuchsia unitard, but an office nonetheless.

Anyway, Luther pretty much dominates this one early, and it's about as formulaic as it gets. On commentary, we are once again treated to the laundry list of grievous bodily injury Luther has suffered through and still survived. And with that said, FINALLY, his relationship with Professor A makes SENSE! Luther Reigns is a MUTANT (and not just facially). Clearly, Luther possesses the very same uncanny healing abilities of one WOLVERINE, or how else do you explain his miraculous survival? Hmmm? And you know, much like Logan, I would not at all be surprised to find out Luther has a adamantium skeleton, which CLEARLY EXPLAINS THE PACE OF THIS MATCH. After all, that much steel would weigh you down!

Anyway, after some Hosstacular Luther action, Charlie rallies and goes on brief offense, hitting a nice German with a bridge ( not this. Tm. James Walker), but Luther still kicks out. Eventually Haas eats the post and Luther then finishes him with the yet-to-be-named swinging reverse neckbreaker that every hoss has been trying to get over for years to no avail.

Winner: Luther By Gawd Reigns.  Who will now return to upstate New York and finish his term at the School for gifted children hosses. 

/5

Rey Mysterio (c) Vs. Chavo Guerrero for WWE Cruiserweight Title;

Fun Fact: Gory Guerrero was given the nickname "Gory" because he was a fan of teenage slasher horror flicks.

Funner Fact: The previous "Fun Fact" was neither fun nor was it even true. In fact it was complete bullshit. But hey, whatever. 

This match actually saved this PPV at this point. Very good psychology throughout, but given how bad everything has turned out so far, I'd have insisted they go a spottier route to bring the crowd back to life, rather than so much mat work, but whatever. Anyway, Chavo works Mysterio's leg for much of the match, all the more impressive when you consider it's only 12 inches long and thus Chavo couldn't have possibly had the best leverage. Ah, I kid, Rey. Anyway,  Rey finally mounts an offense,  hitting a big senton on the floor, then back in the ring, eventually he gets the 619, and looks to finish with a hurricanrana, but Chavo counters that into an elevated half-crab... not to be confused with what you can acquire while sitting on a bus station toilet seat. Just thought I'd clear that up for you. Anyway, Chavo works the crab deep, and Rey desperately fights for the ropes, and finally gets there, forcing the break. With Rey still hurting, Chavo then applies the Gory-Bomb but somehow Rey manages to kick out. Chavo then attempts another, but this time Rey maneuvers him into a quick sunset flip for the pin to retain the title. Great match.

Winner and STILL champion: Rey Mysterio. Sadly the lack of Classic in his corner hurt Chavo here. On a side note, I too contemplated calling my own father "Classic" but soon realized that would imply that he's actually worth something. Sorry Dad, it's true. (haha, just saved 5 bucks on that father's day card).

/5

-We see another hot tub segment, this time with Torrie Wilson, Funaki, Spike Dudley, and Billy Kidman. Man, what a fucking schmoe Billy Kidman has turned out to be. You know it's bad when you're reduced to ogling YOUR OWN WIFE'S ASS in a hot tub with a couple of other dudes. The only thing left to break this poor bastard is if Vince takes Torrie from behind in his office while Billy is forced to record the whole sorted episode with his Kid-cam. (somebody has to fucking remember that thing).

Billy Gunn w/ a love asses of every kind Vs. Kenzo Suzuki w/ no love for America. 

You know how in a suspense movie, there's always that one part where everything completely goes to shit? Well this is the same thing. You'd think that with all the ultra-talented Japanese wrestlers out there, they'd have found someone a little more credible than  Kenzo Suzuki to employ. In fact, you could probably throw a rock and hit a better wrestler than Suzuki. You should try it, it's fun.

Anyway, by now you all know that Suzuki was to debut as Hirohito, but the whole thing was scrapped when someone realized creating a character to gain some good ole fashioned WRESTLING REVENGE against America for that whole "Hiroshima thing" might in be in poor taste. Go figure. Although, part of me is saddened by this. I mean, I can't be the only one who'd laugh when whomever was feuding with Hirohito would bring in ADAM BOMB to finally end the rivalry, can I?

 The match is underway now, and Billy controls early. Suzuki then "sells" said offense and even manages to out do Cena's previous efforts of extreme constipation. A feeling Billy no doubt can relate to. I mean, who knows what kind of oblong objects were up his ass during his courtship with one Chuck Palumbo? Anyway, eventually, Suzuki gets the advantage after what Tazz calls a "Shining Wizard". And he definitely got the "shining" part down fine, but sadly nobody bothered to tell the Wizard to show up, 'cause Kenzo missed by a mile. Kenzo shortly thereafter finishes with a reverse DDT that saw Billy land back first on Kenzo's knees. I'd say it was a cool finish, but knowing Suzuki that was probably just supposed to be a reverse DDT...

Winner: Kenzo Suzuki. He emotes VICTORY. I think.

/5

-Paul Heyman is seen backstage, cutting a promo on a bound and gagged Paul Bearer. He tells Paul that tonight he'll be suffocated in cement whether Undertaker does the right thing or not. It's funny, but after screwing over so many money lenders in ECW, I always assumed that it would be Heyman that would one day end up encased in cement, if you catch my drift.

Sable w/ implants Vs. Torrie Wilson also w/ implants;

Arrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! This match was about as good an idea as picking Christopher Reeve as your partner in a potato sack race. I mean how many matches does Torrie have to have before the brain-trust gets the idea that she stinks in the ring worse than a bag of broken assholes? Perhaps spots aren't the only things being blown here.

Anyway, I refuse to recap this match just for the reason that it single-handedly took workrate, threw it in a sack, beat it to death with a baseball bat...then ran it over several times with a truck, before ultimately setting it on fire, then pissing it out. And YES, it was that bad. Anyway, Sable "faked" an injury towards the end, then quickly rolled up Torrie (whose shoulders weren't even down) for the pin, essentially ending Torrie-berg's PPV streak. And you know, when SABLE looks like the ring general out there, you might want to find a new profession.

Winner: Not a soul. But since I'm not anything but a giving man, here's a photo of both nude.

/5

-Dawn Marie is interviewing Rene Dupree backstage when Nunzio & Johnny The Bull interrupt. Nunzio tries to impress Dawn by saying he has "big feet" and "you know what that means".  And you know, I can actually relate. I wear a size 14 and as a result the ladies have taken to nicknaming me "Baby Arm"....but sadly this is because I'm a thalidomider and not incredibly hung. Cruel World.

Mordecai w/ the wrath of God Vs. Bob Holly w/ Best dropkick in the business;

All right! Time to punish us some sinners! As I guess Bob Holly has apparently committed the sin of ....umm...being a fucking asshole? Sounds about right. Anyway, this is Mordy's 2nd ever ppv match, and his "look" here really reminds me of "Double J" Jeff Jarrett in 1994...only rather than following the gentle lure of Grand Ole Opry Country & Western music, Mordy has instead decided to smite sinners with furious anger. Whatever floats your boat, dude. And sure, I could laugh at the absurdity of Mordecai's "character" having a knowledge of Wrestling when he likely spent the better part of his life learning the nuances of revelation scripture, but whatever. When God and his angels come down to earth during Armageddon to destroy all the sinners, who do you think will be right at the forefront of that battle, utilizing those skills and throwing spiritual dropkicks, and delivering heavenly fire-man carry's like it was no one's business? Ya, that's right.

Anyway, to see this match at normal speed, I suggest using the "fast forward" button on your remote; but all kidding aside, besides being a little too methodical, Bob Holly got WAY too much offense on a guy supposed to be perceived as a "monster". In any event, the finish sees Bob going for the Alabama Slam, but Mordy slides out of that and hits the CRUCIFIX (wait, it's a SYMBOL!  A SYMBOL!!!!) powerbomb on Hardcore to get the duke.

Winner: Mordecai, lord love him. (and he does.)

/5

JBL Vs. (C) Eddie Guerrero; Texas Bull Shit Rope match for WWE Title;

For those who don't know, the way you win this match is by touching all four turn buckles in succession.

With that said, a very decent enough match given the stipulation, with the highlights being a great chairshot by Eddie to Bradshaw that busts him wide open; but you know, considering Bradshaw's shower room "reputation", I don't know how comfortable I'd be with his blood on me. Just saying.  The other high spot was a great powerbomb by JBL to Eddie through the Spanish announce table. Do these motherfuckers ever get to finish a PPV? If I was Hugo & Carlos, I'd just set up the inflatable pilot from Airplane to take my place, and just go grab a bite to eat or something until it's all over.

Anyway, after both men had multiple near victories by touching 3 of the 4 turnbuckles, the finish sees both men each have three consecutive buckles, and scramble towards the 4th simultaneously, with Eddie jumping over JBL to apparently win the match. But hold your horses, Skippy. Kurt Angle comes out (rolls out?) and declares that JBL *actually* touched the 4th buckle first, then awards the decision AND the title to JBL! But what do you expect? JBL has had a lot more practice with a rope than Eddie; I mean, how else would he get all those rookies into compromising positions? 

Winner and new WWE champion: JBL.  Wow. We have a  new World Champion and a Dusty Finish to boot! This really is the Great American Bash! Still needs more Paul Jones, though.

/5

Undertaker Vs. The Dudleys; Concrete Crypt Match;

The Saddest part of this match for me was the revelation that we've now apparently seen the end of one of WWE's most cherished and beloved icons: Bubba Ray Dudley's shorts! He's wearing pants now! Thank the Lord. If only now he could give those shorts to Rene Dupree, all would be right with the world!

Anyway, the absurd premise here is that if Undertaker doesn't  purposely "lose", Paul Bearer will be MURDERED by being drowned in cement. And YET, despite basically admitting to killing another human being, on LIVE TV no less, no arrests are being made, and more surprisingly, the Teamster union apparently had no problem lending Heyman the mixer, which will of course pour the very cement that MURDERS Paul Bearer! But hey, then again Jimmy Hoffa probably disappeared this exact same way, so maybe it wouldn't be that much of a problem for them after all....

With that said, this match is more storyline driven than a workrate classic, as every time Taker defies Heyman, he pours more cement on Bearer. This carries on a few times until The Dudleys get the upper-hand and hit the suplex/neckbreaker combo to put Taker down. Heyman then comes to the ring and with the urn, unintentionally resurrecting the Undertaker, who then chokeslams Bubba and tombstones D-Von for the win.

Winner: Undertaker & his...Mortician "shoot-fighting" gloves? Not the fine touch you'd think an embalmer would need, but what do I know? I mean, who knows when Royce Gracie might be hiding in the mortuary ala Kato in the Pink Panther movies, and Taker will need to throw down! Clearly, I've thought this through too much. 

/5

As a result of Taker's "win", Heyman goes to pull the lever to kill Bearer, but Taker summons lightning and Heyman scrambles. Hey! Why didn't he just do that all along? I mean, a quick electrocution of your opponents is certainly better than applying 15 minutes of rest-holds, right? Right?

Anyway, with the Dudleys disposed of, and Heyman long gone, Undertaker then walks over to the crypt and salutes Bearer ...before getting on the mic and saying "Rest in Peace!"...and pulling the lever, murdering Paul himself!? Huh? I don't know about you, but you'd think that a simple "You're fired" would have been a little more civil than killing your manager in cold blood. Wow. This could start a bad trend. Imagine if other bosses followed Taker's example and canned their employees by pulling a lever so they slide into say, lava? Wait. Scratch that scenario. We don't want to give Johnny Ace any ideas....

End show. (Thank God).

FINAL THOUGHTS: So, what did we learn today, kiddies? That you can commit ILLEGAL acts in a foreign country and be REWARDED with the WWE Title, and of course, you can suffocate a man to death after weeks of kidnap and torture with no repercussions whatsoever, but DON'T YOU, THE WRESTLING FAN, DARE HOP THAT GUARD RAIL, because if you do, straight to the pokey with you, son! What a glorious and not at all depressing message this PPV has given us! Thumbs down.

I'm Sean.