Anyway, fast forward twenty years, and there I
was, about 8 years old, at a mall begging the
store Santa to get me the elusive hooded Cobra
Commander for Christmas-- before noticing a flask
of Beam hanging off his oversized novelty belt. He
winked at me, and told me it was for the cold ride
home. After that, I started to doubt the validity
of Mall Santas, eventually clueing in that his
noticeable in-suit erection was also not standard
Kris Kringle procedure. I was a fast learner. And
forgetter.
Anyway, as the pointless
sentence above didn’t point out--besides the fact
that I was perhaps sexually molested by what
actually turned out to be a homeless person--
I was addicted to GI Joe. In fact, I loved it so
much that I was able to overlook SO many plot
holes. Plot holes like Cobra; who were determined
to take over the world--but instead of deploying
missiles and chemical warfare, they instead chose
to conquer said world through intricate and
complicated plans that often saw them creating
devices to control the weather, shrinking their
troops to microscopic size, and using a laser…a
laser that kinda could be used as a weapon, call
me crazy, to carve Cobra Commander’s visage into
the moon’s surface. Money well spent.
But hey, there were so many
positives to GI Joe that you could overlook some
things. Yes, sir. To prove that they weren’t just
a mindless vehicle to promote wanton violence or
sell toys, each episode ended with a various Joe
schooling children on varying safety issues and
basic common sense. What always struck me funny
though is that no one ever seemed freaked out when
say, Barbeque (A fireman character, who
obviously wasn’t too adept at his job with a
handle like that) would climb in through
children’s bedroom windows to deliver this sage
advice. Perhaps Michael Jackson missed his true
calling. Yo, Joe.
With that said, after
dispensing his wisdom, the random Joe would then
expound that "Knowing is half the battle." I
remember hearing this and being curious as to what
the other half was. It certainly wasn't fucking
shooting, this I promise you. Did I mention that
no one ever hit their mark, good or bad on this
show? That’s right. America’s highly trained
special mission force couldn’t kill a blind pig in
an alley, and had the collective reflexes of a
drunken Michael J. Fox on speed. Basically,
everyone just punched each other out. And I'll
tell you, if I was a tax payer paying Billions for
those fucking useless Tiger Force tanks, I just
might be a little pissed that most of these
battles ended in fisticuffs.
Anyway, on the heels of the
impending "Transformers The Movie", the timing
seemed perfect to unload a G.I. Joe full length
feature as well, featuring Duke, Flint and the
boys doing battle with Cobra Commander, Destro and
Serpentor--who for the record was "Emperor" of
Cobra, and created in a laboratory by combining
the DNA of history’s most feared conquerors. And
yes it's possible! And while this process may seem
a little far fetched to most, I can assure you
that it’s not. See, I too was conceived in a
similar fashion; only I was the by-product of the
merged genetics of the world’s laziest people. And
much like Serpentor, I’d be unstoppable too, if
only I’d ever start anything.
The year in question is now
1987, a full year after the full length
Transformers feature bombed at the box-office, and
as a result, Joe never did make it to theaters.
Instead, it was aired on free TV. The movie itself
starred the voice talents of Don Johnson--as Lt.
Falcon-- who was best known at the time for
rasslin’ up drug dealers with "Tubbs" on Miami
Vice, and boning Melanie
Griffith back when
she was hot. And sadly, Lt. Flacon did not wear a
military issue rolled-up sleeved white
jacket/salmon shirt combo. I mean, really. It's
PERFECT camouflage-- if we ever go to war with the
Homosexual quarter in south
beach.
The other main voice talent
was Burgess Meredith, best known as Rocky Balboa's
trainer "Mickey" in the Rocky franchise, but more
so, to me, as The Penguin in TV’s Batman. It's
true. Poor motherfucker's been typecast again! I
mean, a mastermind surrounded by thugs in matching
ridiculously colored uniforms easily beaten after
just not shooting the hero when they had the
fucking chance? Man.
The Plot of the movie? You
guessed it; TAKE OVER
THE WORLD! Only this time, the
contrived device that will assist them in this
feat is a machine known as the B.E.T. (Broadcast
Energy Transmitter…and not Black Entertainment
Television as I had originally suspected. I mean,
who wouldn’t give unconditional surrender to a
device capable of bombarding us with hip-hop
inspired television programming? I'm surrendering
already!). You see, the B.E.T. is a device that
will apparently solve the world’s energy problems
(something not smoking so much pot would just as
easily accomplish for me.). However, in classic
cartoon fashion, it was never explained just HOW
the fuck it would do this.
A subplot is also taking place
here, as a mysterious new enemy has infiltrated
Cobra, apparently looking to assassinate
Serpentor. But hey, since he was made up of Julius
Caesar’s sweet, sweet DNA you’d think the
motherfucker would have learned to see this kind
of shit coming. Come on, man. You've had 2000
years to get your shit together.
Anyway, as it turns out, the
threat, known as "Pythona"…(get it? as in a snake?
Cobra…Python… it’s brilliant and not at all lazy
writing!) informs Serpentor of his true origins…
Cobra-La!…and instructs him to retrieve the B.E.T.
This then takes Cobra to the Himalayan Mountains
where the Joes are testing the B.E.T., which
COINCIDENTALLY is literally MINUTES from
Cobra-La’s hidden city. Sweet irony!
An ensuing battle takes place
soon thereafter and Serpentor is captured by
the Joes when he’s hurled onto the activated
B.E.T. and seemingly electrocuted to death.
Luckily, his full body snake suit saves his life.
Or something. Hey, remember when terrorists just
wore fatigues and maybe turbans? Not Serpentor. No
sir. I mean, seriously though, imagine how much
more imposing Bin Laden or Hussein would have been
had they worn a costume made out of…camels? I
don’t know. Anyway, The Joe’s run Cobra off, but
Cobra Commander knows where they can seek shelter.
Oh I bet you he means Cobra-La!!!! [/sarcasm]
With the Joes on their tails,
Cobra heads in through the mountains and make
their way into an entirely organic city, that is
surrounded by HUGE pod bearing trees. I imagine
this what Matthew McConaughey's livingroom looks
like. It is at this point that Cobra-La makes its
presence known (with a giant man-bat known as
Nemesis Enforcer) and hands the Joes their
collective ASSES. Asses that have no discernable
holes or crevices thanks to the good people of
Hasbro. Commander then tries to embrace Nemesis,
as only one can a giant demonic bat, but gets pimp
slapped for his trouble. With CC confused, the
real threat emerges; Golobulus (Burgess Meredith).
You see, Golobulus is a large 7000 year old
muscle-bound bald man with a strange cycloptic eye
and a huge sliding pod for a body. You know the
type.
Anyway, we learn of Cobra’s
true origins: Cobra-La, and Globby (as we’ll call
him) explains that ten thousand years ago, they
ruled the world, and when man evolved, they were
forced into these mountains…awaiting a day when
they’d be able to reclaim the earth as their own.
How a force with organic weapons and giant 8 foot
flying man bats lost the earth to a bunch of
filthy dirty bearded dudes emerging from caves
scared of fire is anyone's guess.
They then explain that Cobra
Commander was a brilliant scientist until
disfigured by mutating spores. He was also bald
and blue skinned. Saywhatinthefucknow? Anyway, the
spores gave him at least a dozen new eyeballs,
turning him into a vengeful terrorist (who musta
had one HELLUVA hard time finding the right pair
of sunglasses). From there, he was then sent out
into the world to umm, conquer the world. This is
kinda awesome.
Anyway, it is at this point we
jump to the introduction of Lt. Falcon (Don
Johnson), who is guarding Serpentor. But it
wouldn’t be an 80’s cartoon without him being
immature and reckless. And he doesn’t disappoint,
bringing his "date" (Zarana…a Cobra double agent
who cases the joint) to the base, and Serpentor
ends up getting broken out of prison later after
he deserted his post. Also, we learn that Falcon
is really Duke’s half-brother, and rather than
being court-martialed, Duke convinces the judges
to instead send him to Sgt. Slaughter’s boot camp,
where he’ll learn some discipline, and no
doubt how to run 100 miles an hour into
turnbuckle posts and not die.
We are then also introduced to
several *new* Joes: Jynx, Tunnel Rat, Big Lob (who
wears a military standard…basketball
uniform?) and Chuckles, who never talks but
wears a really loud Hawaiian shirt--I
guess just in case sudden war
suddenly breaks out in Shady Acres in Del
Boca Vista. Anyway, as with all movies, new
characters are always brought in to replace the
older ones
(cough*justanexcusetosellnewfigures*cough) and
save the day…despite the fact that we the viewers
watch the show to see our favorites. But that’s
not how you move *new* merchandise, silly.
Anyway, Serpentor arrives in
Cobra-La, and the trial of Cobra Commander
continues. Golobulus finds Cobra Commander guilty
for FAILING his mission and now must be punished
by, you guessed it…the spores. Cobra Commander
yells out "Not the Spores!!!", but hey, why
bother? Dude, you got like twenty fucking eye
balls already. Anything at this point would be an
improvement. CC then gets blasted in the face with
said spores which causes him to become scaly and
slowly morph into a snake. Funny, spores always
just made me itchy and allergic. Where's my
rapidly evolving snake-body? I feel gypped. Pass
the Sinutab.
Golobulus then tells of his
nefarious plan. He will
reclaim the planet by mutating the earth’s
population! Yes! Wait. Huh? What
would that do, other than just make your human
threat umm, a little uglier? But before he can
unfurl his plan, first, they must free Serpentor,
and claim the B.E.T…. which is the only way the
mutation pods can be ripened in space. Makes total
sense to me.
During Globby’s longwinded
tirade, The Joes try to make a break for it, but
vines appear out of nowhere and snatch them up,
cocooning them to the pod trees. The only person
to escape is Roadblock, who is accidentally
blinded by Nemesis Enforcer. Cobra Commander tells
RB that he knows another way out, but will only
tell him if he takes him with him. But in cool
cartoon fashion, despite the horrors going on
around him, Roadblock agrees, and actually has
time to spit out a sweet rhyme that ends with
"there’s no doubt, I’ll turn your eyeballs inside
out!" Good luck, Roadblock, you'll be there for a
while.
We now see Lt. Falcon as he is
dropped off at the "Slaughter House" where several
of Slaughter’s minions await…none of which is
named Gen. Adnan or Colonel Mustafa,
unfortunately.
After being run through the
mill by Slaughter…who animators were a little
generous with as far as "muscle definition" goes,
they infiltrate Cobra’s headquarters (The Terror
Drome) and set a bomb that blows it up as bombs
are wont to do. Usually, its just Sarge in real
life, but hey, what can you do. Not really be a
three hundred pound shapeless sack of potatoes?
Maybe.
Anyway, Cobra makes their bid
for the B.E.T. next, thanks mainly to Cobra-La’s
organic weapons, including planes that basically
shoot vegetables. I always imagined this would be
how the Vegans would one day conquer the Earth.
So, for those who always wondered, string-beans
will indeed beat bullets any day of the week. I
for one am ready to embrace our pasty-white
hemp-wearing overlords.
In the midst of battle,
Slaughter, Falcon and the other renegades arrive,
and Serpentor takes it to Falcon, then grabs one
of his snakes from his neck, straightens it out,
and throws it like a javelin! However, Duke steps
in front, taking the stiffened snake in the heart!
Hey, I might not be a biology wiz, but I’m pretty
sure you can’t do that with snakes. Although,
every time I'm on a date, I give it my best
shot. HIYO.
Anyway, Serpentor escapes with
the B.E.T., and the Joes gather around Duke who
"goes into a coma", as we all would after having a
8 foot snake javelin violently explode through our
ribcages and penetrate our vitalest of organs. All
kidding aside, apparently, in the original script,
Duke was really supposed to die, but it was
changed after the bad reaction Optimus Prime’s
death had in Transformers the movie. And heaven
forbid we make children cry. Or our slaves.
I'm still fighting that one in court as we speak.
Anyway, back at Cobra La,
Golobulus fires up the B.E.T. … pretty easily…
despite the fact that he’s been living in a
utopian cave for about 6000 years and probably
wouldn’t have the best understanding of
technology. Just saying. He then launches the pods
into space, and, it’s just a matter of time before
they ripen and burst, mutating all of humanity...
Which helps their cause how again, exactly? The
countdown is now on, as we see an inch worm slowly
make its way down a dagger signifying the time
humanity has left. Ok, here's my question. This
guy can operate advanced machinery and computers,
but just can't go out and get a fucking Casio?
What gives?
From there, we then cut back
to Roadblock and a completely transformed Cobra
Commander, who is now a snake... with little tiny
arms. Kind of like what you’d get if you spliced a
snake and Chris Benoit genetically. Only with more
German suplexes. Or any. I don't even know what's
happening here anymore.
Anyway, Cobra Commander, who
still possesses vocal skills by the way, a real
rarity in the reptile kingdom, is on the edge of
madness as he repeatedly states "I was once a
man!" Funny, my best friend who just got engaged
says the same thing all the time. Finally,
Roadblock has had enough of this jibba-jabba and
the two begin strangling each other and roll down
a hill…where the other Joes are conveniently
camped. "Roadblock, are you ok?!" asks Life-line
(the medic). Dude, didn’t you just see him roll
down a hill wrapped in a 6 foot talking snake with
arms? That shit doesn’t freak you out at all?
Jesus.
With Duke in a "coma", Gen.
Hawk now organizes a secret assault on
Cobra-La, and says the Rawhides (the new recruits)
are not ready yet. Might be a good idea. It’s not
like Chuckles shirt is gonna stand out in that
terrain or anything….
However, they of course sneak
off anyway, and end up making the big difference!
Their toys are available this Christmas!...
The Joes arrive and manage to
free the cocooned Joes and take it to Cobra.
Slaughter goes one on one with Nemesis Enforcer
and dominates the big man, killing him rather
easily actually by tossing him down a chasm. So,
let me get this straight, Slaughter can easily
dispense an 8 foot demon, but not press Hulk
Hogan’s shoulders to the mat for three seconds?
Damn. Clearly, they need to put Hulk Hogan
on the military payroll, stat! A few hundred
bodyslams and this war would be over.
From there, Jynx goes toe to
toe with Pythona, and also kills her rather
easily…despite the fact Pythona single-handedly
took out an entire legion of Crimson Guards
earlier in the movie. And she was blindfolded too!
Mr. Myagi would be so proud! And dead! And no
doubt from there, like the crafty old fuck he was,
he'd convince her that the best way to further her
martial arts ability would be to do fucking chores
around his house. "Once you finish cutting that
grass you'll know Kung-Fu, too!"
Finally, Falcon himself faces
the man who definitely did not kill his brother
because it would too traumatic for children,
Serpentor, and defeats him thanks to an assist by
Cobra Commander (who attacks one of Serpentor’s
snakes. And how does Serpentor keep replacing
these by the way? Cobras in the Himalayas are a
wee bit rare, I'd think). Anyway, Serpentor’s cape
ends up becoming entangled in his chariot motor
from there and he cascades off, although we
never really find out what becomes of him. (at
least in this film).
With Serpentor disposed of,
Golobulus is the only thing in the way between
Falcon, the B.E.T., and Def Comedy Jam, but Globby
is no pushover, and sheds his pod to reveal a 20
foot long snake tail. (hey, what’d you expect?).
Globby manhandles Falcon from there and tries to
break his neck; but before he can, Falcon grabs
the worm dagger from the ground and stabs Globby
in his funky eye. He finally gets to the B.E.T.,
but Globby triumphantly leaves declaring that it’s
too late. "The pods have matured!" he bellows.
Tell me about it. It seems like just yesterday
they wanted to play children’s games, and now look
at them! Man, they grow up so fast! Anyway, Falcon
thinks fast and decides to overload the B.E.T. and
fry the pods in space. We know it’s working
because a gigantic "OVERLOAD" appears on its
screen, you know, for the benefit of those who are
retarded-- or like me, could not tell
that I was buying the same exact old toys I
already owned, only painted with snake scales.
PYTHON-PATROL~!
Heroically, Falcon tells
everyone to evacuate before the B.E.T. explodes
(ya, think?), but Sarge is having nothing of it as
he and Jynx pull Falcon to safety as the B.E.T.
blows up, eradicating all threats and destroying
Cobra-La altogether. "We all go home, or no one
goes home!" Sarge yells out. Huh. I'm
glad Sarge put that one up
for vote. Dick.
We then see the Joes
celebrating as only hundreds of horny dudes
with maybe 3 women around them can--GANG BANG! (we
find out pretty fast why they call one of
them Bazooka!). Ok, I lied. Falcon
just looks up at the sky and says "Thanks,
big brother!" Clearly, for Duke's invaluable
help in being useless and comatose. "We couldn't
have done it...well, with you." Obviously.
The closing shot is of Jynx
and Falcon romantically kissing as the remaining
burned mutation spores rain down from the sky. Ah,
yes. There's nothing more romantic than plummeting
seeds that turns you into monsters. Light the
candles and put on the Barry White! It's going to
be a sexy night!
Anyway, this was the last of
GI Joe for a number of years, until 1990, when DIC
released a newer version. Yes DIC. I remember
laughing like an idiot as I said "head" after they
said it at the end of each episode. I was 25 at
the time.
So, in closing, I definitely
recommend this for nostalgia purposes, and because
I modeled my entire adult-life around their
teachings. Maybe because, if not, I was
secretly terrified that the ambiguously
gay Gung-Ho would
suddenly appear in my bedroom and rape me.
Maybe.
Loopholes aside, I still
mark-out for this stuff today, so check’er out
when you get the chance. Duke would have wanted it
that way. Yo
Joe!
I’m Sean.
