GOD,
YOU SMELL.
For years, I have sat idly by,
awaiting the day in which the Heavenly Father
would finally forsake obvious non-important
matters like "poverty", "disease", and "famine",
and instead focus all of his omnipotent attention
on the truly IMPORTANT issues. Issues like
bottling his very essence in perfume form! YES.
You can keep your miracle healings, and
unexplained phenomenon; give me a reasonably
priced divinely inspired cologne ANY DAY OF THE
WEEK. Except Sunday. Because he kind of frowns on
you not keeping that Holy. It's true.
In any event, a fragrance
company out of California has FINALLY created a
perfume that is said to be inspired by the
almighty himself, and purposely designed to be a
reminder of God, Christ, spiritual self, and soul!
The latter of which is in the "heavenly sense",
not the "James Brown" sense. So put away your
shiny red shoes and cape, and get off the dance
floor you heathen, and get you a bottle of God
water already. You'll smell divine.
LITERALLY.
In any event, after seeing
the ad, I further inquired into the fragrance
called "Virtue", and here was the selling point:
"The natural oils of Virtue(R) blend with the
wearer's own body chemistry to form your own
signature fragrance. Uniquely beautiful, and
definitely unforgettable, it places the wearer in
an ancient world, timeless for over 3,000
years".
You know what? I don't think
I want to smell of the ancient world. "ORDER NOW, AND YOU CAN SMELL OF THE
ANGUISHED SWEAT OF THE SLAVES WHO BUILT THE
PYRAMIDS WITH THEIR LAST DYING GASP".
No thanks. After all, it wasn't exactly a
great time to be alive, back then. And besides,
when a good portion of the population is MILES
away from water, never wore shoes, and spent the
majority of their lifetime's rotting out in the
desert, I'm thinking it might not be the best
smelling time in history either. Just saying. But
hey, I can't blame Virtue on this one. It's not
like "Now you can smell of impending death at
40 years of age after a lifetime of thankless
backbreaking labor" is going to move the
product. So hat's (Yarmulke's?) off to them
there.
My only real issue with the
fragrance though is the whole mixing with your
"body chemistry" part. After all, the whole point
of me wearing cologne in the first place is to
cover my "unique body chemistry", so what gives?
Although, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to
hear the line "Jesus Christ, you smell", just so I
could joyously reply, "Why yes I do smell of Jesus
Christ. Thanks for saying." But hey, that's just
me. However, this fragrance isn't about me, or my
endorsement; it's about JESUS CHRIST himself, whom
according to the campaign, encourages you to go
out and buy a bottle, RIGHT NOW. After all, JC was
huge into commercialism and capitalism, right? And
if you can't sell out to Jesus, who can you sell
out to? Isn't that right,
Virtue?:
"Biblically, fragrance
was associated with Christ and many of the saints,
who gave off a fragrance that was associated with
virtue."
See, there you go. The
disciples gave off an odor of "virtue", and not
say FISH, despite making their living swimming in
dead mackerel, and hanging out with a dude who
could take one, and turn it into two hundred. It's
science. You can't fight it. So be like me and
order now! Hell, errm, "Heck", you can even order
a bottle with 24 karat gold lettering on it!
Seriously. And if the Bible has taught us
anything, it's that GOD LOVES GOLD. And especially
prefers it when you adhere it to idols. So, don't
be worried when you dab on a drop, and your wife
and family are suddenly turned into a pillar of
salt! That's just God giving you the big thumbs up
from Heaven! But hey, just to be careful, you
should probably splash some blood on your front
door. Just in case.
I'm
Sean.
