They broke the
mold after they made Triple H. Although, some
would argue that they broke it while. But hey,
whatever.
Truth is, no matter what you
think of Hunter, you cannot deny that he's
accomplished almost every goal he's ever set for
himself.
He became a world class
bodybuilder.
He rose through the ranks of
professional wrestling-- perhaps becoming the
greatest Heel in WWF history.
He made love to a
hermaphrodite for 3 years then sloppily
passed it off to his friend Sean Waltman
when no one was looking.(BRONCO-BUSTED!).
He married the boss’s
daughter. A feat that not only guaranteed
himself an unending push so long as he stays
faithful and keeps his “game” in Stephanie’s
“box”; but let’s face it, probably some sweet
Christmas gifts, too. Presents shaped like
Championship belts. And not just on
Xmas. Lucky bastard. (except for that whole
transgender dating thing. Come on, dude).
However, now, only one
goal stands is Triple H’s way. And that is
creating an HHHeir to Vince’s throne (despite
what poor Shane McMahon’s children might think).
You see, despite his mentor Ric Flair obviously
knowing the secret to ever lasting life, Hunter
knew that one day he himself would leave this
mortal coil, as the awesome power of the
Pedigree can only hold off the Reaper for so
long. And with that said, Hunter required a
suitable replacement, created in his own
image, so that his legacy will live on forever.
(or until Titan shareholders smarten up.
Either/or).
It
is said that creating this H 2.0 has became a
personal obsession for the Game, and in
attempting to accomplish this goal, HHH spent
millions on a state of the art cloning facility,
capable of churning out literally dozens of
identical musclemen at a time. They called it
“OVW”. Ultimately, though, despite the fact that
physically, they resembled the 6’5” muscle bound
prototype, they sadly lacked a soul….or Charisma
to you and me. And despite the fact that each
clone possessed an uncanny version of the spine
buster, the lack of any and all human
personality madethe experiment afailure.
But
all was not lost! There was ANOTHER way. Instead
of devising clever ways to clone himself
with complicated DNA manipulation and in turn
cost the company potential millions, he could
simply HAVE SEX WITH HIS WIFE…and as a result
save the shareholder’s hard earned money for
proven financial successes like RAW Diva Search
3 and a renegotiated Mark Henry contract. It
really was that simple. And I’m sure many of you
are asking “Why couldn’t he have just
impregnated Stephanie all along, instead of
bending God’s laws to create an unholy spawn of
himself from his muddled DNA?" The answer
is simple. Triple H was unaware that he could
even have children. After all, he had made love
to Chyna for YEARS…and all without protection
(Well, Billy Gunn & Road Dogg were always on
hand to watch HHH’s back, but you get the idea)
and not once did Chyna EVER even show any signs
of being with child. Triple H always blamed
himself, and not the obvious fact that Chyna
possessed no discernable Female organs. But hey,
live and learn, right? Rome WWE
was not built destroyed in one
day after all.
In
any event, news had finally came down the wire.
HHH’s boys could swim! He was going to be a
Daddy! Many were happy for the young couple,
while other’s chose to brush up on their
Revelations, and keep an eye out for the moon
turning red, and the Ocean’s to blood. "The
Guff is full! It really is the end!" they
were heard yelling. But I don’t fall into that
category. I truly wish the couple well. And
while I’d laugh if Steph ultimately gave birth
to a hand (that no doubt could probably pen
better storylines) or Dr. Heiney was on
hand to pull JR’s head from her love hole, I
truly wish the expecting parents the best.
But
wait. There’s more. I know that Steph has only
been preggers for a month, and to speculate on
her full term would be unprofessional, but hey,
this is The Wrestlingfan.com! We have no
credibility. So there.
So,
with that in mind, I’m going to channel my inner
Nostradamus and speculate on a few aspects of
this pregnancy in the *ahem* tasteful
manner in which you’re accustomed too.
COPULATION!
All
is dark. Not a sound can be heard (bar a faint
murmur that sounds like “Get off me Hunter, I
need a sandwich!"). When all of sudden, millions
of angry handle-bar mustachioed sperm are
released in unison. They swim fast and
ferocious, and luckily, thanks to *certain*
foreign hormones in his body, the trip is a lot
shorter than expected. BOOM. Suddenly, the many
H’s find themselves in a huge cavernous room.
Their ultimate goal now is to get to that egg
and by gawd, fertilize it… and if possible, bury
a few pesky defensive blood cells along the way;
because after all, they’re HHH’s sperm, damn it!
Even protectors against foreign antibodies can’t
be allowed to get over on his watch!
However, before they can
proceed, they hear something startling in the
distance….
“Wooooooooooo!”
Just then, Ric Flair’s sperm
approaches, only stopping briefly to quickly
slick back his gelatinous hair, and to give off
another “Wooooooooooooo!”
HHH’s sperm: “Naitch’s
sperm, what the hell are you doing in my
wife?”
Ric Flair sperm: “Woo!
I follow you everywhere, champ! So why not the
birth canal too?! Wooooooooooooooo!”
-Before HHH sperm can
respond, he sees HBK’s sperm, on its knees
giving thanks to its maker (the testicles).
HBK sperm: “Hey, I know
what you’re thinking! But it was just one time,
Hunter. We both got into the communion wine, and
one thing lead to another”….
-At
this point, a quick below of “You think you
know me?” is heard.
Edge's sperm:"It's me!
Mr. Money in the Bank!.... The SPERM Bank!"
(uncomfortable silence
follows).
HHH sperm: “OK. This, I
expected.”
-Edge’s sperm’s enthusiasm
dies out quickly at that, and just lowers its
head in shame.
HHH sperm: “Ok, who
else is in here?”
*a
chord of “No Chance” is heard…
HHH sperm: “Dear Lord!
Dad! Why?”
Vince sperm: “My money
paid for her body damn it. I’d be doing my
pocket book an injustice if I didn’t at least
take it for a test drive.”
-Just then, a
guitar wale is heard. A sperm slowly swims up,
complete with sunglasses.
Bret sperm: “Everybody
inside this vulva screwed me!... so I returned
the favor! Besides, Bret likes ‘em a little
bulky. Did I mention I’m a hero in Canada?”
HHH sperm: “ENOUGH!
There’s only room for ten million of us in here.
Something has to give!”
At
this point, a full on vaginal Royal Rumble
breaks out! Last sperm standing!
(swimming?). HHH sperm ultimately
triumphs, and fertilizes the egg due to having
taped a sledgehammer to one of Stephanie’s
ovaries the last time he had visited. The
Cerebral Seminal
Assassin strikes again!
End
result!: PREGGERS! And all it took was Triple H
lying on his back for more than two seconds.
(Something unheard of months ago).
THE
TERM!
By
now, we’ve all heard the rumors that HHH has
purchased a deluxe bus for him and the mother to
be to ride around in from town to town in
comfort. (after all, without Steph on hand, a
good idea might slip out in Creative, and who’d
be there to quash it?). What you DID NOT hear
however is that the bus in question has a WWE
HISTORY. You see, the bus in question is in fact
the LEX EXPRESS! The very same vehicle used by
Lex Luger in an attempt to woo all our hearts by
body slamming morbidly obese Samoans across the
nation. Lex was said to give Hunter a good price
on the bus, and as a result, is now only a few
thousand dollars away from springing bail. Go
Lex!
In
any event, to get the re-dubbed "Steph Express"
in proper working order, HHH had to make a few
modifications, not limited to the bus’s phone,
which strangely possessed no way of dialing
“911”. Oh that Luger.
As
the months passed, Stephanie noticed that her
already seemingly gravity defying breasts were
growing to epic proportions. And while this
pleased Vince greatly, it became somewhat of a
burden to Stephanie. As a result, both Christie
Hemme and Dawn Marie were briefly brought back
to support the cumbersome melons on their backs,
to allow Steph mobility. And when this didn’t
work, (and after both women were re-fired),
Hunter & Vince had another idea: WWE DAIRY!
With this, Vince added to his already huge
profits (including the now 365 pay-per-views
that year) by buying out Nielsen’s, and directly
tapping Stephanie as a dairy source! Soon,
dozens of trucks would be pulling out of
Stamford daily, filled to the brim; and as a
result, Stephanie became the largest exporter of
milk in the country. On a related note, Kurt
Angle was said to spend a considerable amount of
time at the Helmsley household.
The
Birth!
The
big day was finally here! Hunter was pacing in
the waiting room, along with the entire WWE
midcard, who were there to lay down three
seconds each for Hunter Jr. as a good will
gesture. (All but Gene Snitsky who was released
months before for obvious reasons…).
The
Doctor then calls Hunter into the delivery room.
Ric Flair follows closely behind, as does Vince.
All
in all, it’s a difficult delivery. At one point,
Hunter is reprimanded by the doctors for wearing
just trunks and boots in the
normally sterile hospital room. Vince then
begins giving play by play every time a
contraction takes place; “What a
maneuver!” he yells. From there, Flair,
getting increasingly hyper starts going berserk,
dropping elbows on the forceps, and at the sign
of Hunter Jr’s crowning head, bellowed out :
“Now we go to school!”. It’s at this
point, that Hunter calls Lemmy and Motorhead
into the delivery room, and they are ordered to
play a live version of “The Game” as baby Hunter
is pulled from the womb! As a cry is heard, HHH
excitedly grabs the first bottle he sees, and
takes a slug off it, and proceeds to spray it
into the air. Unfortunately though, it turns out
it was epidural anesthesia and Hunter soon hits
the floor paralyzed.
He is eventually awoken
to Stephanie holding a strangely misshapen
object.
Stephanie: “He’s the
spitting image of his father!”
Just then the doctor spoke
up and said, “Mrs. Levesque,
that’s the Afterbirth. Here’s your
actual son”.
Regardless, the couple was
elated. They now had a healthy baby boy with
little to no complications (there was a brief
scare that Stephanie would require a cesarean,
when the sledgehammer and 10 pound belt the
fetus was wearing got caught on the way out).
All was right with the world!
HHH
was the happiest man on Earth. So much so, that
he ran out to the waiting room, and informed the
midcard of his bundle of joy, before giving them
a pass on jobbing to the newborn infant. A
collective sigh of relief was heard, before
Hunter stated “But don’t worry guys. You
didn’t come here for nothing. I’ll be out to pin
you all after I check on my son!” The boys
just hung their heads.
With that said, Hunter
peered through the glass window as Hunter Jr.
lay snug in his crib with the other children.
Hunter got a smile on his face, as his newborn
son had the resolve to turn over on his own
accord and cover a neighboring child for a
symbolic three count.
“That’s my boy!” Hunter cried
out.
The Aftermath!
As
much as Hunter would love to be a
“stay-at-home-dad”, those elusive 17 World
Titles just don’t win themselves!... so the
responsibility of helping raise the prodigal son
falls to many in the locker room. Ric Flair is
first on tap, who was said to gleefully be
looking forward to kissing a new generation of
ass (and in turn powdering it, to prevent diaper
chafing). And who better than Ric to fetch a
bottle?... after all, he had done the same for
Arn Anderson for YEARS. (Of course, that was
usually Thunderbird, but you get the idea).
Anyway, all was well for a while,
but eventually Flair was removed as chief
babysitter, when during a routine diaper change,
he grabbed the toddler’s leg and began going
into his insane jig, before attempting to wrap
the youngster’s pudgy legs into a figure four.
Next up was former Evolution member, Batista,
who lasted all of one day when a piggy back
ride went awry, after Dave instinctually dropped
backwards.
With
everyone faltering at the task of young Hunter’s
care, Triple H now had no choice but to have a
special baby harness made so he could continue
to wrestle. And as a result, Hunter Sr. &
Jr. respectfully, were declared the first co-WWE
Champion’s ever when they defeated John Cena at
Wrestle Mania 23. Hey, you couldn’t make this
stuff up!
Well, that’s that. Clearly,
there are so many great memories for the
Helmsleys to look forward to. And no doubt WWE
cameras will be right there to catch them all.
From Hunter Jr’s first childhood girlfriend
(likely introduced to him by Jerry Lawler), to
his eventual Student council Presidency (rumored
to be on the account of dating the Principal’s
daughter) to his at least 17 inherited World
Titles; it should be an interesting journey. And
one day, HE in turn will procreate and so the
cycle will continue. So, here’s to RVD’s frozen
Futurama-like head putting over “Hunter Vince
McMahon Lévesque” at Wrestlemania 96! (with Ric
Flair of course in his corner).
'Til then.
Happy Birthing!
