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Coming soon!
The Hogans are just your average All-American
family. Only with the inherent ability to absorb
heavy punishment and pick up extremely heavy
objects...
From the people who brought
you The Osbournes, comes Hogan Knows Best! A
real look at the day to day life, and pitfalls
of the world’s most famous
professional wrestler, and his family.
Hogan Knows Best looks at the Hogans home life,
from the perspective of the stark raving
Hulkster himself; from his nagging wife, Linda,
badgering The Hulkster to do more around the
house:
Linda: "If you can bodyslam a
700 pound Giant, surely you cantake the
garbageout!"
Hulk: "Get off my barn door
back, Linda!"
From there, enter his two
teenage children, Brooke, 16; who the
overprotective Hulk refuses to let date, mostly
due to her natural biological inclination to rip
her shirt off; all the way to Nasty Nick,14, who
despite his best intentions, possesses an all
too trusting nature that leads to many of his
friends inexplicably turning on him…
Each week, we’ll get a
window into the life of the Hulkster, as he
deals with a slew of everyday problems, from
paying his bills, to slamming morbidly obese
people. This summer, be sure to tune into the
ONLY reality programming that matters, Hogan
Knows Best!
Episode 1:
“Brooke of Love”- Part 1: Brooke's
date with pop star boyfriend Aaron Carter goes
awry when the young man gets too frisky, causing
the Hulkster to go berserk.
 What
we can expect: After
what
is seemingly a wholesome evening, the two
lovebirds exchange an extremely awkward
handshake, as a strange voice is heard yelling
out: “The Madness meets the Mania!” From there,
Aaron decides to go for second base, attempting
to grope Brooke, who in turn blocks the three
consecutive advances, then punches Aaron several
times, before having him run face first
into her foot and dropping the leg. Hulk, who
was listening from the bushes (hand no doubt
cupped to ear) hears of Aaron’s randiness (not
Savage) and goes insane, chasing after Aaron’s
speeding Porsche and leaping onto the hood!
Aaron is then unfortunately caught, bodyslammed,
and killed.
Episode
2: Brooke of Love Part 2: Distraught over
the fact that her boyfriend Aaron was destroyed
by the incredibly stiff offense of the Hulkster;
she is unfortunately now left without a prom
date as the big day approaches. And if this
isn’t bad enough, she wakes up the morning of
the big event with a giant semi-circle of scalp
where her long blond locks used to be! Hulk then
gently explains to her that male pattern
baldness is nothing to be ashamed of.
Ultimately, Hulk arranges for Nasty Boy Brian
Knobbs to be her date that evening, and hilarity
ensues as he rubs Brooke’s face into his ample
armpit while attempting to attach her
corsage.
Episode
3- Hulk’s Giant Cock!: Hulk's pet rooster
downs anabolic steroids, transforming it into an
unrelenting monster, and terrifying the quaint
Florida neighborhood.
What we can expect:
Tragedy strikes when The Hogan family’s beloved
pet rooster devours a cocktail of Hulkster-sized
anabolics, causing the now 8 foot cock to become
as radio-active as the Hulkster himself!
After Hulk pleads with the monstrous
chicken to come to its senses, Hulk
unfortunately makes the hard choice to take
him down after the rooster tears off Hulk’s
shirt and crucifix in the ultimate act of
betrayal! One scoop slam and leg droppage later,
all is right with the family again, as they cope
with the loss by enjoying a nice chicken dinner
(for the next 400 consecutive days.).
Episode 4: In Hulk We
Trust: An
exasperated President Bush turns the reigns of
Presidency over to The Hulkster, who in turn
ends the war in the gulf by airing his match
with Sgt. Slaughter, as terrified Iraqi’s
immediately surrender, praying to Allah that
they too don’t suffer a similar fate.
What we can expect: Hulk, shocks the
country by painting the white house “red and
yellow” before explaining his controversial
actions in a press conference. Hogan is also
grilled on the tough issues, including abortion,
social security, and even euthanasia, confusing
the crowd with his explanation of the latter
topic: "Why should I limit myself to just
the youths in Asia, man? Hulkamania knows no
bounds, dude! The Little Hulksters are
EVERYWHERE, man!"
 Episode 5: Red & Yellow
Versus Red & Evil: Nasty Nick
unwittingly opens a Hellgate in the Hogans
backyard, forcing The Hulkster to journey to the
underbelly of Hell and face all the forces of
darkness and despair!
What we can expect:Nasty Nick
curiously plays the song "I want to be a
Hulkamaniac" backwards, which unfortunately
opens an inter-dimensional portal, and starts an
unholy war between Hell and Earth! Hulk
eventually takes matters into his own hands,
journeying into the pits of Hell itself and
dispatching Satan with the unstoppable Hulk
Hogan offense! (Special cameo by our Lord and
Savior Jesus Christ who poses with Hulk after
the battle of
Armageddon)
Rumored Future Episodes:
Hulk battles the Tsunami: Hogan
is brought into deal with the Tsunami disaster
based on his uncanny past successes against
natural disasters (Earthquake & Typhoon
respectively.) After much struggle, (and after
prophesying it at Wrestlemania 4) Hulk carries
many victims to safety aboard his “barn door
back.”
 Hell in a Blood
Cell: After years of injecting himself
with God knows what, it’s Hulk himself who gets
injected into the body of a cancer patient after
being shrunk down to microscopic proportions, in
an attempt to annihilate the bad cells from the
inside out, and destroy the disease
forever.
It’s a race against the clock, as
the Hogans begin to panic at the prospect of the
Hulkster returning to full size and in essence
blowing up the patient (much like the Hulk
himself after the 20 minute mark.)Ultimately
though, the AWESOME power of
HULKAMANIA…and additional chemo…. get the
job done!
Check you local listings and
stay tuned to VH1 for more HOGAN KNOWS
BEST!
Sean Carless is a man of
many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The
Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has
also cured
AIDS. |
