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Although
Hulk Hogan has spent the better part of a
quarter century in the limelight as arguably the
most well known professional wrestler ever,
little was actually known about the 6 time WWE
champion himself, other than his aforementioned
exploits in the squared circle. Well, that was
until recently that is. You see, fans of the
Hulkster now had the answers they craved direct
from the horse's mouth so to speak, when
Hogan released his much ballyhooed
autobiography.
Although this pleased a
legion of Hulkamaniacs the World over, there was
still nay-sayers who criticized the literary
work, even accusing Hulk of fabricating certain
events and facts in an effort , they say, to
glorify himself and place his historical impact
in a better light.
What was
notknown about the book ( except by a
select group of scholars and scientists) is
that the novel was purposely incomplete. You
see, much like the New Testament, certain
"gospels" in the book of Hogan were removed to
present a story the way the Editor, in this
case, wanted it told. Only recently were these
"lost chapters" discovered, and according to
these scholars, the information contained
in these documents place Hulk Hogan, as we
know him, in a surprising
new light.
After spending the better part of
a year and a half meticulously studying the text
and mutually agreeing on their validity, these
same scholars have recently released
several chapters of the Hulk Hogan tale to the
masses (although certain parties are said to
down-play its written significance) and the
conclusion that these"experts" have come to, is
that Hulk Hogan as we know him today is a far
more complex creature than ever thought. Tests,
coupled with recent carbon dating of a shredded
Hogan T-shirt said to contain a significant
amount of Hogan's DNA, have allegedly revealed
The Hulkster to be somewhere in the vicinity of
one million years of age!
While this revelation
boggles the mind, the sceptics, no doubt,
would state that no HUMAN BEING could advance to
such a substantial age. However, the explanation
being given is that Hogan for lack of a better
term, is hardly a "Man", but rather an
entity that at least at this point, is all but
unexplainable to our fragile human
psyches.
The Irony as it turns
out , is that when Vince McMahon proclaimed Hulk
Hogan to be "Immortal" in 1990, he
didn't know just how close to the
actual truth he was.!
It has also been
leaked that certain deciphered text in the
vaunted Dead Sea scrolls are said to speak of
certain events that seem to correspond with the
writing in Hogan's books and it is this combined
with the scientific and genetic test results,
that these experts have deemed the following to
be factually accurate:
The following is several excerpts
from the lost Gospel of Hulkamania:
In the
Beginning....
In the
beginning, God created the heavens and Earth. On
the 6th day God created MAN. Although he was no
ordinary man. Although said to be made
in God's image, the first man was created
seemingly out of granite, and in all
likelihood, his arms were the largest in the
World (although at this point, there was only
ONE man in the World). This "Hulking" brute also
possessed what is said to be flowing Blond
locks. History has given him the name "Adam" ,
but it is said that The Lord himself called him
by the name "Terry", as a general term of
affection.
Terry was said to love all
living things and marveled at what was all
around him, being particularly infatuated with
the sun, for which he spent countless hours
staring at. Terry was soon
completely consumed by this activity and
was both shocked and pleased when he skin began
to change in tone, going from a subtle white to
a bright orange. This pleased Terry
greatly.
Soon Terry grew lonely, and
asked God for a mate. God said he had someone in
mind for Terry and in anticipation, he bellowed
to God: "Whatcha gonna do,
Brother.?!"
God then removed one of
Hogan's ribs and created "woman" from it. It is
said that the rib was never replaced, leaving
Hogan somewhat vulnerable and susceptible to
attack in later years (King Kong Bundy would be
the first to capitalize on this "achilles
heel").
Terry who by this point was
referring to himself as "Hulk", was said to be
pleased with his mate, who historians have
labeled with the name "Eve". The two were
seemingly inseparable. It was soon after that
the couple was said to be tempted by a serpent
(although in later years he would take human
form as a 5'8" Bostonian and answer to the name
"Kevin"). The Bible has painted a picture of
"Adam" (Terry) and Eve succumbing to the
serpent's urgings and eating from the tree of
knowledge (or as the serpent described: "Tree of
Woe"). In reality this was but a parable,
and upon temptation, Terry balked at the
serpent and proceeded to thrash the beast,
citing that "There's only room for one 24 inch
Python around here, brother!" But, instead
of discarding the beast's corpse altogether,
he soon began wearing it as a garment
around his neck, coining the term
"Boa".
God then asked why Terry had
killed when he had distinctly told
him : "No way, dude". Terry seemed
defiant, and claimed that Hulkamania, not the
Lord, was "the most powerful force in the
universe". God was saddened by Terry's
arrogance and subsequently booted "Hulk" and his
bride from the Garden of Eden, citing that he
couldn't in good concience just let "Hulkamania"
run wild.
Hulk was thrust into the
World, and he soon became aware of his nakedness
and covered his "shame" in a bright yellow loin
cloth. Also as a symbol of God's anger, The Lord
stripped Hulk of his flowing locks taking 2/3 of
his mane as a symbol of his disappointment, and
leaving Terry's sizeable noggin bare of it's
once flowing pelt.
It is
at this point that the Bible and Hulk seem to
part ways temporarily. Hogan would later
make several unknown cameos , said to be
also axed from the Old Testament. The most
significant being the story of Moses. Moses and
Terry were said to be rivals, and after one
night that saw Moses being beaten by three men,
Moses' bride ran into the camp and pulled The
Hulkster from his slumber and begged for his
help. As things seemed most bleak for Moses,
Hulk exploded and evened the score. The old
rivals cleaned house and then looked to come to
blows with one another, however, the two briefly
paused, looked around, then reluctantly shook
hands, forming a Powerful force of "Mega"
proportions.
As Moses led the Jews from
Egypt, Hulk was in tow, helping many bewildered
people cross the parted Red Sea by carrying the
lot on what they described as "his barn-door
back".
After wandering the desert for an
excessive amount of time, Moses finally ascended
Mount Sinai for word from God and to receive his
Law. Hogan with nothing better to do, soon
followed suit. Hogan eventually grew
restless, and instead of waiting for God, he
decided to fashion his own tablets and proceeded
to come back down the mountain, preaching to the
people of the "4 Commandments" The people stood
in awe as Hulk stated the commandments of
Training, saying your prayers and taking your
vitamins. However, before he could get to the
part about "believing in yourself" Moses
returned with the real commandments. He
became enraged as the people in his absence were
worshipping a "Golden Idol" that turns out was
not a calf, but the Hulkster
himself!
Hulk and and Moses then went
their separate ways, with Hogan insisting that
he was really "putting over" Moses all along.
This is the last Hogan speaks of this
time.
Other Lost
Chapters:
Discovering
America....
Unknown to most, Hulk was
actually a part of the crew of sailors
who accompanied Christopher Columbus to the "new
World" in 1492. History has now discovered that
Hulk himself was actually the first to step on
U.S. soil as Columbus was believed to be
sickened that day by a combination of sour
ale and bad mussels. Hulk donned Colombus'
uniform and lead his men ashore. It was said at
this point that Hogan began his love affair with
America. Hogan seflessly allowed Columbus to
take credit, although he stated that he would
want his "job" returned one
day...
Hulk Defeats the Third
Reich....
When The U.S. Joined the War
effort after the fateful Pear Harbour assault,
the Alliance unloaded their new weapon of mass
destruction: Hulk Hogan, code named "H-Bomb" on
an unsuspecting Hiroshima, leveling the city by
releasing an airborne Hulkster, who proceeded to
devastate the Metropolis with a thunderous
Legdrop.
Hulk was also one of the few
survivors on the Beaches of Normandy, where he
was said to "no-sell" heavy mortar assaults. The
German soldiers, baffled, cried out: "I could of
sworn that would've finished him!" "How is he
getting up!?"
Hogan's final charge came in
1945 when he along with the Russians (marking
the only time the star-spangled Hulkster EVER
worked with the Reds) stormed Hitler's bunker
manhandling Adolf before delivering a high-boot
that was said to dislodge the Fuehrer's head
from his shoulders, killing him
instantly.
Hulk Walks
On The Moon...
In
1969, The U.S. deplored their Astronauts into
the cold reaches of Space with hopes of landing
on the Moon itself. What is not common knowledge
however, is that the Hulkster was aboard the
vessel, as his skin after years of prolonged
exposure to the sun, allowed him to wear
substantially less gear than the average
Astronaut, in turn saving the Government
millions in the process.
Neil Armstrong, whom had
seniority, was all set to exit the craft when
Hogan accidentally knocked him unconscious with
the module door. Hogan then officially stepped
foot on the moon, uttering the phrase: "One
small step, Bruther"... before the
Astronauts, angry with Hogan's grand-standing,
packed up the vessel and left him stranded on
the Moon's surface. Hogan would eventually use
the awesome power of Hulkamania to return to
Earth, releasing the hot-air from an over the
top promo and propelling himself safely through
the Earth's
atmosphere.
The Government, angry with Hulk's
defiance on the mission, edited his voice from
the TV broadcast and dubbed Armstrong's in to
appease his bruised ego.
Although these snippets are
speculative, it is hoped one day that the TRUTH
about Hulk Hogan will be completely released to
the masses, however, until then, we'll have to
seek comfort in these words: "Hulkamania will
Live
Forever!....Bruther."
Sean Carless is a man of
many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The
Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has
also cured AIDS.
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