GEORGE LUCAS
INTERVIEW:
October 17,
2004
By
Sean
Carless
A lot of people don’t know
this, but I’m actually a HUGE fan of Star Wars.
And hey, I know what you’re thinking: “Star Wars
AND Wrestling?”. I know, I know, it is a
wonder I’ve ever been laid. And it's even a bigger
wonder I ever had the patience to inflate her
first.
Anyway, call it nostalgia if
you want, but from the first time I saw this saga,
I was hooked. This franchise just has a way of
capturing your imagination. And a good portion of
your money. But hey, sometimes you just gotsta
have a giant Darth Vader helmet shaped carrying
case, just because. What can I say. The funny
thing about Star Wars though is that it's very
polarizing. You either love it or you don’t. And
if you’re not sure just which category you fall
into, answer me this: If at any point of your
adult life you’ve ever simulated the sound effect
of a lightsaber, EVER, it means you’re a slave to
George Lucas and you might as well admit
it.
With that said, I recently
purchased the much ballyhooed DVD release of the
original trilogy, if only to see for myself "the
changes" that so many of the hardcore fans
complained about. And now that I have, I can’t say
that I’m so much bothered by it, but instead, that
I still have some unanswered questions. Looming
questions, that many of the hardcore fans still
wonder about. Questions like, when did Padme
really die? Why does the unmasked Darth Vader in
Return of the Jedi look so old when he couldn’t be
any older than 45? And why does 2/3rd of their
known universe all seem to have fucking thick
British
accents?
Luckily for me though, in a TWF
first, and last, likely, I actually managed to
track down famed director/producer George Lucas
and conducted the following *Exclusive* interview
at his sprawling Skywalker Ranch to hopefully get
to the bottom of a few of my queries! But not
before he elevated me with the awesome power of
the force alone, and spiritually lifted my wallet
from my pants
pocket.
SC= Sean Carless. GL= George
Lucas.
SC: Hello, Mr.
Lucas.
GL: Hey
there.
SC: First, I have to say that
I really enjoyed the Original Trilogy re-release
on
DVD.
GL: Well, you’ll have to
forget all about
that.
SC: Pardon
me?
GL: Well, it’s not the movie
I wanted to
release.
SC: What do you
mean?
GL: We’ve been working on a
new special, special edition. I’ll be
re-re-re-releasing the REAL O.T. as I’ve
always wanted it made, very
soon…
SC: Then why did you
release this
version?
GL: CHA-CHING! (laughs to
himself)
SC:
…
SC: Okay, just for curiosity
sake, how is this version different than
the version you *ahem* just
released?
GL: Well, I want to
say that it's better than the earlier ones.
I mean, I guess, it's more, if you know
what I mean. But better? I mean, who's to say
what’s better? But it is definitely more.
You should definitely buy it. You
know?
SC: That made absolutely no
sense.
GL: Which
part?
SC:
Arghhh.
SC: Okay, why don't
you tell us what is DIFFERENT in this "new"
re-mastered
version?
GL:
Oh, Just about everything. First of all, we’ve
replaced the Darth Vader template with…James Earl
Jones. Heck, we figured, we spent all this fucking
money on just his voice alone, so why not
just have him be
Vader?
SC: You can’t be serious. But
Luke Skywalker is white? How could Vader be
black?
GL: Well, Padme was
really pale…..
SC:
Huh?
GL: Come on. It doesn't have
to make sense. I mean, no one complained that
it only took Luke like maybe a year to become a
Jedi Master, when he was pretty much trained only
by a ghost, but it took his old man and like
every other Jedi
fucking 20 years+.
SC: No, actually,
everyone
complained.
GL: (while waving his hand in
my face) THESE ARE NOT THE PLOT-HOLES YOU'RE
LOOKING
FOR.
SC: What's going
on?
GL: Umm,
Nothing.
SC: Forget it. We’ll move on.
One thing I always wondered and never quite
understood was, why did Vader look so old
when he was unmasked in Return of the
Jedi?
GL: Because the actor who
played him was 80 years old. Jesus. A real Brain
surgeon over
here.
SC: NO, you don’t understand,
I
meant….
GL: Funny thing. Turns out
Sebastian Shaw (the actor who played Vader) is
dead and thus I couldn't use him again. It’s a
shame, too, because I really wanted him for
this. And not just because corpses are kind
of ideal at one-take scenes, and don't put up any
arguments when you tell them "that was good
enough, who cares about the fucking acting
and the dialog. Did you see that Speeder bike? Boy
was that fast!"... even though, that's kind of the
main reason. However, apparently, using a
corpse is against S.A.G. regulations or
something. I don't see why not. We had the
Jabba wranglers all ready to maneuver him and
everything. I mean, really, it couldn't look any
fucking faker than the Cantina
band.
SC: Is there a point to
all this?
GL: Sure. Because of all
that, I needed an old dude for the
re-shot climax, fast, and well, I’m sure the
fans will be excited when they finally see
"Blue" on the
screen.
SC: Oh My God, you don’t
mean….
GL: He’s my boy! Hehe. I
loved that
movie.
SC:
…
SC: But how is that
even possible? He’s about a hundred years
old, isn’t
he?
GL: Age means nothing when
you’re strong with the force. Look at Yoda. But
not too close. It's probably best you forget he
looked more like a giant green testicle in
Ep. 1, than the Yoda you
remember.
SC: Uh, ya. Anyway, keeping
with this topic, how is it that Palpatine/Sidious
looks so young in the prequels and so ravaged in
the original Trilogy? Does he age as he becomes
more permeated in the darkside? Or is it something
else? I had this theory that Palpatine was using a
clone in the senate all this time, am I
right?
GL:
Maybeline.
SC: Pardon
me?
GL: He also exfoliates a lot.
SC: What the hell are you
talking
about?
GL: The Emperor was always
ashamed of his complexion. He had a bad case of
adult acne and it destroyed his self esteem. It
probably is what drove him to the darkside in the
first place. Yes! I like it! I HAVE to write
this shit down, excuse
me….
…As I was saying, as he gained
more power, he just said fuck it, you know? I’m
the most powerful man in the universe, and if the
ladies don’t like it they can go
straight to Mustafar. Heheh. You know,
on the account that Hell and Mustafar are so
similar because of the fire and
heat.
SC: Ya, I get it. You didn't
need to explain it in
mind-numbing detail.
GL: Good. I promise I'll
never do anything that makes sense
again. Ever.
SC: Wait, I didn't
mean...
GL: Too late!
Haha.
SC:
Arggh. Moving on. What other differences can we
expect in this, umm, re-re-re-release?
GL: It comes in
a big shiny
package!
SC: Who cares about
that?
GL: You do. (Waves his hand
again in my
face)
SC: What are you
doing?
GL: Umm, making you realize
the error of your ways by way of mind manipulation
via the living Force?
Maybe?
SC: Heh. Why stop there?
Why not just choke me out with the Force
choke,
then?
GL: Oh, some on.
Seriously.That's just make-believe.
Idiot.
SC: Oh, dear god. Well, is
there anything else different? Something actually
worth
changing?
GL: Well, the droids are
somewhat different. We didn’t want to
tinker with them too much, but you’ll notice a
difference.
SC: How
so?
GL: Well, first of all, R2D2
has been replaced…with a Shop
Vac.
SC: What the
hell?
GL: Well, it made a lot of
sense. In addition to being a lot cheaper, it was
VERY practical. While the original was manned by a
midget, and had a host of production people making
its every move, The Shop Vac just had to be
wheeled onto set. Plus it has like four different
nozzle attachments! And a wet
feature! It came in very
handy!
SC: I’m almost afraid to ask,
but how so?
GL: Well, Carrie Fisher is
quite the little drinker you know, and on a few
occasions, let's just say she made a "mess" of the
soundstage, and well, with R2 on hand we can clean
up just about anything one of her
insane benders leave behind! That fucking
whore!
SC: Damn, George, I'm
starting to see a serious darkside to you
here.
GL: You mean, in the
spiritual sense that I'll be corrupted and turned
evil to the bewilderment of my fellow
knights?
SC: No, I mean in the sense
that you're an
asshole.
GL: Fair
enough.
SC: Um, Okay… moving
on...again.. Well, what of C-3PO? Any changes
there?
GL: No change. Well, not
physically
anyway.
SC: What do you
mean?
GL: Well, mentally, C-3PO is
going to find his true "self" and finally explore
his burgeoning homosexual feelings for
R2.
SC: Say what
now?
GL: Oh, you didn’t know? C3PO
is quite the galactic pillow biter. He
speaks a billion languages except one..the
language of LOVE. We hope to remedy
this.
SC: Oh my God. This keeps
getting
worse....
SC: Okay, what about the
puppets in the movie? Have you altered them in any
way, or have you changed them to straight
CGI?
GL: Neither. We’ve replaced
all the puppets with real people. For example,
we’ve decided to completely edit out the cantina
band and replace them with Morris Day and The
Time. We didn’t even need to pay them. And Morris
doesn't even need make-up! It worked out
brilliantly. But the music was a little tough to
take at times. I mean, what, do they play
like just one song or what? What a bunch of
hacks.
SC: But, umm, George, so do
that Cantina band. They had like 9 years to learn
a new fucking song, and they're still playing
that same irritating jingle in Jabba's
palace.
GL: I have no idea what
you're on
about.
SC: *Sigh*
Ok, forget it. … back to the main
point...No puppets at all then? What about Jabba
The Hutt, surely he couldn’t be
replaced?
GL: You mean
"she".
SC:
What?
GL: That's right, and the
answer is "yes", she was replaced. You ever watch
The
View?
SC: Umm, I've seen
it….
GL: Well, then you're
familiar with Star
Jones.
SC:
What?!
GL: Yes, Star fit the bill
nicely. She had similar proportions to Jabba, and
didn't even mind eating slugs out of Mason
jars… well, providing they were cooked in butter
first…..
SC:
Why?!
GL: Well, originally, we were
going to use Rosie O'Donnell, but she kept
fondling the dancing girls, then eating
them.
SC: Enough. I can’t take this
anymore. Let’s move on to the present and Episode
III.
GL: Yes. We’re looking at a
May 2005 release for this one. Should be
great.
SC: There certainly is a lot
of anticipation for this one. What can we expect
in this final
chapter?
GL: Well, there’s going to be
a lot of surprises! For one, Alec Guinness will be
making a very special cameo in the
trailer.
SC: Awesome. I heard about
this. I think his voice edited into the
teaser will be
powerful.
GL: NO, you don’t understand
he's IN the
movie.
SC: But…he's been dead for
what, 5
years?!
GL: Haha, try telling Alec
that! Man, what a professional. I'm convinced it's
all just method. Bar the whole not having a pulse
thing. Only like 2 people in the world can do
that. But one is dead. I think. Truth
is. We'll never know. That's
acting!
SC: I think, if you don't
mind, I’m just going to change the
subject here for the sake of my sanity. Okay,
then. Here's a hot button issue amongst the fans.
Do we actually witness Padmé die in Episode III? A
lot of people feel that she has to be the catalyst
for Anakin's turn to the Dark Side. While others
relay that Leia mentioned that she remembers her
mother from a young age, thus proving that she
lived for at least several years past Vader's
turn.
GL: Man! What a
fucking dork you are! How do you remember all
that shit? "Hi, I'm Padme! I'm
dying! Please don't turn all Evil,
Anakin!". WAIT. Excuse me, I need to jot this
down. Forget what I just said. THAT SHIT IS
GOLD. Anyway, to answer your question, no,
she doesn't die, but she's pretty fucked
up.
SC: Nicely put. But how
so?
GL: How so?! You try birthing
someone (Luke) with that kind of force powers!
During delivery, Luke uses the "force push" and
pretty much tears her from ass 'til
breakfast!….
SC: Damn, George! Is that
necessary?
GL: It looks just like
a JEDI's
SLEEVE!
SC: That's
disgusting.
GL: It's true! We don't even
need the Sarlacc. She can just kick off her pants
and we'll throw bounty hunters in there! I'm
telling
you!
SC: Oh my god,
George. Seriously. Anyway, keeping with
this topic of birth and what not, in Episode 1, it
is revealed that Anakin was conceived without a
father. Do we ever learn more about this? I always
thought it was cool the way you made the
correlation between Anakin's origins and the
divine conception.
GL: Divine whatnow? Do
you even hear yourself talk? Haha. Anyway, I never
meant that Anakin never had a father, it’s
quite the opposite, really. You see, Shmi
(Anakin’s mother) REALLY got around. It could be
ANYONE. She'd do just about anybody! That's
why she always looked so disheveled. You try
keeping up appearances when every trade-merchant
and mercenary from the four known quadrants use
your nether-regions as their own personal docking
bay. Heck, even Watto tapped that
ass!
SC: That’s just
terrible.
GL: Well, it’s the truth.
What else is there to do out in the desert? I just
feel sorry for Cliegg down the road. He had no
idea what kind of damaged goods he was buying. One
minute you're drinking blue milk and minding your
business, and the next your shackled to a Harpy
that puts out for all of Mos
Eisley.
SC: Dear, God. Well,
time us, who is Anakin’s father
then?
GL: Well, since I like you,
well, kind of, I’ll tell you…. Jar Jar is the
father.
SC: You got to be shitting
me. How is that
possible?
GL: Jar Jar is hung like an
elephant, that’s how "it’s possible". That's also
how he swims so fast. It cuts through the water
like a butter-knife through mashed
potatoes!
SC: Thanks a lot for that
visual.
GL: No problem. And if you
think that's something, wait until you see the
love scene between Anakin and Padmé! We’re talking
hardcore, full frontal here. It's great stuff.
That Padmé is a real Bantha in the
sack!
SC: Umm,
what?
GL: You know, I'm cleverly
exchanging the word 'minx' for an animal
that ties into my created universe. It's
brilliant and creative writing and it took me like
only 2 minutes to think
up.
SC: (said under my
breath) Kind of like the plots of the last
two
movies...
GL: What was
that?
SC: Umm, nothing. You're
right. It's awesome and really
deep.
GL: You should hear my
correlations between love and granules of sand in
the desert then! It'd bring a tear to your
eye.
SC: Yup. I have no doubt I'd
be crying. Destroying my childhood memories will
do
that.
GL: Say
what?
SC: Nothing. umm, your a
genius or
something.
GL:
Thanks!
SC: No problem. But
back to the topic. Is putting such a graphic
sex scene in the movie really that
necessary?
GL: No, you misunderstand.
That part's not going to be in the movie. That was
just for me. But don't tell Natalie
Portman! Haha. I told her it was an art
film called "BLEW HARVEST". Sucker!
Literally! Ahem. Anyway, you
see, we actually need to keep a PG-13
rating, so during anything provocative, I'm going
to do quick cuts to a light saber
comically going back into its
holster repeatedly, while we see Jar Jar jump
into frame, dance a little bit, and
then yell out "Mesa thinks he's gonna
cum!" Everyone should have a great laugh. It's
comedy, you
see.
SC:
Jesus!
GL:
Yes?
SC: No, I meant, Jesus
Christ.
GL: Yes, and I answered
you.
SC: Wait. What's going on
here?
GL: I have no idea
anymore.
SC:
That makes two of us. Anyway, back on track;
the big story in this chapter is of course
Anakin’s actual metamorphoses into "Darth Vader"
both physically and
spiritually.
GL: Who says? It's about
love, actually. The love that can only happen
between a director and a lot of
money.
SC:
What?
GL: Umm, I mean, ya,
you’ll see how he goes dark side. This I
promise.
SC: And how does that happen?
Is he tricked by Palpatine? Does he feel betrayed
by Obi
Wan?
GL: It’s the dental plan,
actually.
SC:
What?
GL: Listen. The Dude fell
into some fucking "Lava". The Darkside
has full medical coverage, the Jedi’s don’t. It’s
pretty cut and
dry.
SC: That’s the dumbest thing
I've ever
heard.
GL: Well, what can you do?
It's my vision. And in my vision, Vader has the
good sense to go for full benefits. Plus, the
Darkside gave him a far better financial
portfolio. He sunk a shitload of imperial credits
into Death Star Stock, and well, I don't think I
need to tell you that paid dividends for about two
decades.
SC: Yeah. Okay. Well, what
about Samuel L. Jackson? How does he buy it in
this
movie?
GL: Well, as it turns out,
the day Anakin begins hunting down Jedi, Mace
Windu has a real spiritual conflict. He decides
this is his last job, and he's getting out of the
killing racket altogether. Then he gets held up by
amateur thieves in a
diner....
SC: Wait. That sounds really
familiar....
GL: And ya, there's this
really hilarious part where he's arguing with
Yoda.
Yoda: "Going to Dagobah, I
must."
Mace: "Say Dagobah again,
Motherfucker! I dare you! I double dog dare you!"
Yoda: "Dagobah my
saying?"
Mace: "Do they speak English on
Dagobah?"
Yoda: "umm, actually they don't
speak any language, because I'll be there in
complete solitary loneliness, you know, so the
Darkside can't track me
down."
Mace: "Wait. Aren't you s'pose
to talk that backwards
shit?"
Yoda: "Holy shit, you're right.
Ahem. Going to Dagobah, I
am!"
Mace: "SAY DAGOBAH AGAIN,
MOTHERFUCKER!"
GL: This carries on for like
35 minutes. It's tremendous writing. We're hearing
Oscar buzz
already.
SC: Really? How's that
possible?
GL: No, I mean, Frank Oz, who
plays Yoda. He's also Oscar on Sesame Street.
He really liked
it.
SC: Holy shit, I think we
should wrap this up. Tell us, what’s on tap for
George Lucas
next?
GL: Well, I’m actually going
to be filming another
prequel….
SC: ANOTHER
prequel?
GL: Yes. With the success we
anticipate with Episode III, we’ve decided to film
a mini-sequel that will bridge the gap between
Episodes 3 and 4. It’s called: "Star Wars:
Episode 3 ½ : Again with The Jedis!?".
It'll basically be a teenaged Luke shooting
Womp rats for 2 hours. You'll buy it and love it.
And buy
it.
SC: You said that part
already.
GL: No, I mean it. You'll be
buying it twice. I plan on re-releasing it
about 2 more times before
2008.
SC: Let's end this
already. Dear god. Have you ever thought
about breaking away from Star Wars altogether?
Maybe trying your hand at another genre? You know,
so you're not pigeon-holed as a
one-trick-pony?
GL: Funny you
should mention that. I *do* have something
else on the
horizon.
SC: Oh yeah? Great! Tell
us!
GL: Well, it’s a sweeping
saga, kind of in the mold of the 1930’s serials;
it'll see a young wide-eyed farm-boy plucked from
his boring existence and thrust into the middle of
a full scale rebellion against an oppressive
dictatorship! He'll have a wise mentor and in the
end he'll learn of the deep dark secret of his
parentage!… It should really be
something!
SC: Umm,
George?….
GL:
Yes?
SC: Forget it. We're
done.
GL: (Waving his hand again).
Leave your wallet on the side table on your way
out...
SC: George. It won't
work.
GL: You
sure?
SC: I'm pretty
sure.
GL:
Shit.
I'm
Sean.
