WWE NO
MERCY 2003(10/19/03)
Hey there,
Rasslin' nuts, I'm your venerable party host Sean
Carless, and welcome to my favorite completely inconsequential
October Pay-per-view: No Mercy! The event that shows
absolutely no mercy to your finances. And why should they?
Clearly, you'd much rather watch the epic collision
that will be Vince feeling up his own daughter tonight,
instead of paying your bills and feeding your families. After
all, you can always go out and find NEW families
ANY TIME. When are you going to get a chance to watch Brock
Lesnar wrestle The Undertaker again? Wait. Bad
example.
Tonight's
show comes to us LIVE from Baltimore, Maryland! The city that
reared (no pun intended) Stacy Keibler, and home of the
Baltimore Ravens, for whom I was sad to find out have
absolutely nothing to do with Scott Levy. Too bad, too. I for
one would love to watch a football game where all the players
DDT'd each other, then sat depressingly around the goal posts.
But hey, maybe that's just me. Of course, I'm the same
guy who wanted Hulk Hogan to buy a football team just so he
could call it the Venice Orangeskins, so don't listen to
me.
Onto the
show~!
Show opens
with a Stephanie/Vince montage filled with the voices
of bewildered children. Apparently they
replaced video producer Dave Sahadi with Michael Jackson.
Who knew. Anyway, as good as these montages are, I still miss
the voice of Classy Freddie Blassie. Quick! Someone find
me the fucking Necronomicon, so I can get my Freddie
fix.
(C)Tajiri vs. Rey Mysterio: CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE
Match.
Before the
match, the Referee checks Tajiri's mouth for "mist". If
only WWF had done the same with Patterson and Garvin in the
80's, they could have saved themselves A LOT of legal woes.
Just saying. Anyway, with this "mist" in mind, Tajiri has
of course recently turned Heel, and as a result has been
blowing mist on everyone that crosses his path, including
Nidia last week, who took it in the face, in lieu of her beau
Jamie Noble, who obviously must have been already
somewhat blind anyway to choose Nidia as a
girlfriend. Just saying.
Anyway, Rey takes this match somewhat cautiously,
obviously wary of possible mist, because, let's face it,
the last thing this guy needs is to end with fucked
up eyes. Hey wait. But seriously, what's the deal with Rey's
eyes, anyway? Apparently since joining WWE, he moved the Fam
from the 619, to the fucking test grounds from The Hills have
Eyes. This may also be the reason he's four feet tall. I don't
know. Anyway, Rey eventually gets the move of the
night when he leap frogs Tajiri, landing perfectly
balanced on the top turnbuckle, then delivers a
standing moonsault. Rey eventually hits the West Coast Pop
from there, and looks to have the championship won, when
TWO FANS CLEARLY NOT ASSOCIATED WITH THE BUSINESS IN ANY FORM
OR FASHION hit the ring and break up the count. It's
funny how the ONLY "fans" who ever make it to the ring without
being tackled and killed are all at least 200 pounds and in
really good shape. In fact, if they weren't so
preoccupied with interrupting random wrestling shows all
the time, I seriously think they'd actually have a
helluva shot at becoming wrestlers themselves one day~! That's
right.
With that
said, this gives Tajiri the distraction he needs to sneak in
with a buzzsaw kick to Rey to retain the title. Good for
him. He certainly has better luck with his buzzsaw kick
than I do. Of course, no one ever bothered to tell me I wasn't
supposed to actually use it on buzzsaws. That's
right. And don't even ask me about my corkscrew
elbow. I still can't open a bottle of wine without having
nightmares.
Winner &
STILL Champion: Tajiri. Apparently the guys who interfered are
Ryan Sakoda and Jimmy Yang, and they'll soon join Tajiri
in a "Yakuza" gimmick. Dear Lord. I guess no one ever
bothered telling WWE how bad of an idea that is. Poor
Tajiri. At least though, when the real Yakuza
put cement over-shoes on Tajiri and drop him into the Pacific
Ocean, there's a good chance his
baggy pants will act as a giant air-pocket and
elevate him to safety. It's his only hope.
Clearly.
-Backstage,
journalistic virtuoso Josh Matthews catches up with Vince
McMahon. Vince declares that anyone who interferes in his
Loser Quits WWE match with Stephanie tonight will
not only be fired, but will never be allowed back.
Although, if Vince lost as a result of the interference, who'd
uphold that rule? Come on. I don't think it's too much to
ask for a little continuity and believability in my sport
filled with dudes falling into flaming dumpsters then
being decapitated with speeding limos, only to return seven
days later no worse for wear. Wait. Never
mind.
Chris Benoit Vs. A-Train: Match number
10,000 in a Best of "Please End my Fucking Misery"
Series.
Dear Lord,
how many times has poor Benoit had to wrestle the world's
ugliest mohair sweater? This whole feud reminds me of the
movie Groundhog Day. Benoit clearly needs to clean up his act
if he's ever going to see February 3rd. But with that in
mind, I'm not opposed to Benoit taking a page from that movie
and tossing a toaster into A-Train's bath tub. It's definitely
worth a shot. And hey, worst case scenario, the electrical
current might actually burn all that body hair off, and do
everyone a huge fucking favor.
Anyway, this
match exceeded my expectations as the
always-amazing Benoit should change his name to Jesus
tonight because he got a miracle out of the A-Train.
Basically Benoit is face in peril here as an angry Albert
unloads on him for most of the match. Obviously,
Benoit ignored my advice of putting a giant blob of hot wax in
the corner. I guarantee you that'd have ended your woes,
Chris.
One scary
spot had Train try to press Benoit overhead, but Chris
slipped from Albert's grasp and crashed very awkwardly to the
mat head and shoulder first, almost rejoining "D-Generated
Necks" in the process. End comes when A-Train, who had
propped a steel chair in the corner, tries to boot
Benoit, but he ducks and Train kicks through the
chair, allowing Benoit to scoop the legs and snare a
sharpshooter for the tap out, as a tribute to his
trainer the late (but let's face it, he's never going to
arrive) Stu Hart, for the emotional
victory.
Winner: Chris
Benoit; the man who was the figurative Lady
Remington to A-Train's thatch of unruly
pubes.
-Backstage,
Matt Hardy walks in and sees Shannon Moore being choked by Jon
Heidenreich. I immediately assume there was some sort of
Crying Game mix-up, since Shannon has less testosterone in his
body then the entire Oprah Winfrey studio audience. Turns out
though, Heidenreich found out from "Little Johnny" that Matt
threw his tryout tape in the garbage on Smackdown the other
night. Huh. I've seen Heidenreich's "work" in OVW. Clearly
Matt has all of our best interests in mind. Trust
me.
Matt Hardy
Version 1 vs. Zach Gowen Version 0.5;
Why does Zach
wear his Leg to the ring then throw it off? What's the point?
Part of me would mark out if he began giving out custom legs
to ringside fans ala Bret Hart's sunglasses. But hey, I'm also
the same guy who thought Zach should leave his leg lying
loose on the ropes, just in case he gets put in
submission holds, so that way he can always get a clean
break. So umm, ya, don't listen to
me.
Matt dominates early on, until the tide
turns when Matt misses a moonsault. Zach then goes on
offense, hitting a huge flip to the floor on Matt, and back
inside, a big top rope splash. This gets a really close two.
Soon after, he walks into a side-effect from Matt. It's
probably at this point if this was a RAW match, JR would utter
the line about a one legged man in an ass-kicking contest. And
speaking of which, where are all these fucking contests
with amputees awkwardly kicking each other in the ass, that JR
is always talking about? Maybe the prize for them is a
government mule you can in turn violently physically abuse?
Who knows. Only JR has the answers to these
questions, and he ain't talking. And if he is, he ain't making
any fucking sense, that's for sure. Anyway, Matt puts Zach on
the top rope, looking a belly to back suplex, but Zach elbows
out, and Matt hits the umm, mat, allowing Zach to hit a
moonsault for the clean win! Right on. Now maybe he can go to
RAW and feud with Ric Flair. I've always had a perverse
curiosity as to how Ric would try to finish
Zach.
Winner:
2/3rds of Zach Gowen! Onward and upward to the Royal Rumble!
He's a (one) shoe in! He can't be eliminated. It's fool
proof.
-Backstage, Vince is confronted by the Linda
McMahon robot. She begs Vince to
reconsider the match as it's something no one wants to
see. Heh. Who knew Linda was a member of the IWC?
Anyway, Vince compromises by saying
Steph can now win by "pinfall", and only he has to make
her quit. He then makes the match No Holds Barred. Oh, man, No
Holds Barred? He's gonna make her give up by sitting through a
shitty Hulk Hogan movie! Who wouldn't immediately surrender if
that was the alternative! Oh..he meant. Umm, never
mind.
Homolition (The Bashams) vs.
A.P.A.
Here Comes
The Ass! Here Comes a Dildo. The Homolition! Walking
...completely bow-legged?. Dear Lord. I've of course
nicknamed the Basham brothers "Homolition", because
they've recently taken it upon themselves to wear full
S&M gear to the ring, including leather masks,
complete with a ball gag. Oh my. That's a little
disturbing for "brothers". I don't know about you, but I limit
the time I spend with my brother to maybe taking in a
movie together. I don't stand chained to a pipe with
him while someone violates our cornholes with a
fucking cat o'ninetails. Just
saying.
Anyway, this
match was made on HEAT, which ironically enough is the
last thing this match had. In fact, between the action, all
four men paused, watched a wild west tumble weed
slowly blow past, then immediately started wrestling
again. True story.
APA dominate
(HIYO) this one for much of the match, with Bradshaw
eventually getting the hot tag and cleaning house. Powerbomb
to Danny. Followed soon after by the a "Last Call" fall away
slam. He then gives Doug one off the second rope, after Doug
climbed the ropes and Bradshaw countered the effort. He makes
the cover, but Danny makes the save. The ref then gets bumped,
and in the ensuing chaos, The Basham's Dominatrix Shaniqua
(Maniqua?) runs in, and caves in Bradshaw's head
with a club. Remind me to never use her
dominatrix services. I thought the most you'd have to go
through was maybe some hot wax to the balls. Good luck getting
any referrals now, Shaniqua. Anyhoo, The Bashams get the
win.
Winner: The
Basham Brothers. But hey, you have to wonder why they'd even
have an issue with Bradshaw in the first place. If they love
being sexually abused so much, you'd think they'd embrace
him!*
[Sean's note
from 2007: *They did join him in 2004 as his "Chiefs of
Security". And why not? If you can take a woman grinding her
high heels into your fucking nuts and come back for more,
what's a potential bullet? Clearly, JBL made the right
choice!].
/5
-Backstage,
Shaniqua and The Basham's cut an interview where Shaniqua
comments on her obvious new breast implants (if
having breasts is the only criteria for being
considered a woman, I should probably start calling my
Grandfather "Grandma") stating that Bradshaw's "clothesline
from Hell" caused "swelling" in her chest that may be
permanent. Man, a clothesline can cause a woman to get bigger
tits? Holy shit. Excuse while I climb my roof and fold my
girlfriend with the patented Road Warrior Hawk
version. If all goes well, she'll have Double D's when I'm
finished! ...and if not? Well, someone be a peach, and bail me
out, okay?
-Stephanie
vs. Vince video package. Vince apparently used to "loan
Stephanie out to potential business partners" according to her
sit down interview. Man. No wonder WWE's doing so badly these
days! Talk about a Deal breaker! Haha. Hey, fuck
you, I have to get my Steph jokes in while I
can.
Vince McMahon w/
Sable w/ botox Vs. "Stone Cold" Stephanie McMahon w/
Linda McMahon w/ complicated computerized
endoskeleton.
In case you
haven't been watching WWE TV lately, this whole feud came
about because Vince McMahon wanted to get rid
of Stephanie as GM... but she wouldn't quit. So of
course he devised a complicated plan over the last 5
weeks to break her spirit. Hey, here's an idea: WHY DON'T YOU
JUST FUCKING FIRE HER? Holy shit, Vince is worse than a
fucking Bond villain. Somehow, I don't think most bosses force
you to engage them in fucking mortal combat when they
want your ass out on the street. Call me
crazy.
Anyway, the
build to this has been especially painful to watch, as its
monopolized 75% of WWE TV, while somehow trying to convince us
that the spoiled Stephanie McMahon character is worth
getting behind. (and not in the way I'd like to). Having to
choose between supporting Steph or Vince is the equivalent of
being asked if you'd rather be impaled or set on
fire.
As for
the match, my joking aside, this one was very smartly booked,
thanks in part to the superb storytelling of Vince,
who as a heel got the emotion over huge with the
crowd. Vince dominates much of the match, manhandling Steph to
the disgust of everyone, and Linda...I think. It's
kind of hard to tell if she, like DATA before her, has finally
assimilated human emotions into her mainframe. The tide
eventually turns when Stephanie gets her hands on a steel
pipe brought into the ring by Sable for Vince to use on
her. SWEET IRONY. And not just because said
pipe is in fact, umm, irony? That's right. Steph goes on
offense from there, laying into Daddy with the pipe. Ya! She's
all grown up now, so listen and learn, a True Star and she's
finally gettin her turn! *AHEM*. Stephanie then covers for a
close 2 count after Vince gets his foot on the rope, and while
this happening, Linda sets her program to all 3 Prime
Directives!:
"Serve the public trust!" "Protect the innocent!"
and "Uphold the law!" as she attacks Sable! Clearly,
Vince should have built in that classified fourth
Robocop directive. He's probably kicking himself right
now. Anyway, Steph ends up hitting a big bulldog (Not Lucy) on
Vince whilst also taking out Sable again for another two
count. She then grabs the pipe and charges Vince, but he
avoids the blow, and retrieves the pipe, nailing Steph in
the stomach, then applying a choke hold with said pipe. Steph
begins to fade but refuses to quit, so Linda, after obviously
oiling her arm tin-man-style, grabs a towel and hurls it into
the ring to signal a submission. Heh. I guess this means
a now insane Stephanie will return in ten years and start
putting everyone in a chicken-wing. You know, before eating
the chickenwing...cause she's so hungry. Haha. One fat joke
for the road.
Winner: Vincent Kennedy McMahon and Fathers
everywhere. Well, that's it
for Stephanie. She's off to get
married to HHH next week. Part of me has to wonder what
the groom to be thought about Vince giving his future bride
the Prom night hands here. But hey, in Vince's defense, he
did PAY for those cans, so he's just taking a
consumer's interest. After all, no one freaks out when you
test the tomatoes in the supermarket. Vince is a smart
shopper, that's all....
-After the
match, Vince celebrates by pie-facing Linda, and then starts
to make out with Sable. However, due to her head being frozen
in a perpetual botox state, Sable's not able to open her mouth
more than 1/1000th of an inch, and her face completely
shatters as a result. Ok, maybe not. Vince then leaves, and
Stephanie looks on at Mom upset that she threw in the towel.
All I know is, if you go by the booking here tonight,
Stephanie > A-Train, who actually submitted to a non-steel
pipe induced finisher, while SHE REFUSED TO QUIT, BY GAWD.
Clearly, she needs to shave her head and grow a goatee.
Stephanie 3:16 ftw.
John Cena vs.
Kurt Angle;
I don't
know who had more of a following here, Kurt Angle or the
Doctor of Thuganomics. And speaking of that, where the
fuck does one go to get a doctorate in Thuganomics
anyway? I'd imagine it'd be the same place you'd get your
feet educated ala Rob Van Dam or X-Pac. I'd
also imagine The Dean's name there is
Douglas, the institution itself is called the school
of hard knocks, Undertaker teaches a course in history
(culminating in him dragging you by the wrist to the
chalkboard, then leaping from his desk onto your
back), and finally, all the new enrollee's are
personally taken there by Ric Flair... if JR is
indeed to be believed. I mean, clearly it's obvious.
Almost as obvious as the amount of alcohol I had to consume
to write the preceding
stupidity. Almost.
Anyway, this match was easily the best one of the
night so far. Angle dominates the onset, but things soon go
awry for him after an Irish whip (Never go to Ireland.
People will just randomly throw you in the opposite
direction!) gets reversed and Angle eats the post. Cena
dominates from there, eventually taking Angle down with a
brutal DDT on the ring apron. Both men, then end up hitting
their finishes respectively (F-U and Angle-slam) but
neither finish. Cena eventually looks to cheat, and grabs his
chain, as the crowd is actually cheering him on, but the ref
sees it coming and confiscates it. But you see, it's all a
RUSE, as while the referee is discarding the
chain, Cena uses Angle's
own Gold medals and wraps them around his fist and clocks
Kurt. However, this only gets a two count, because as I've
mentioned before, Kurt Angle is invincible, and like Linda,
also a cybernetic organism. Clearly, Cena's only
alternative is to crush him in a machine press or
slowly dunk him into molten steel. They keep enough weird
shit under the ring as it is, so who knows, it might be there.
With that said, finish sees Angle
countering a Cena attempted victory roll into the
ankle-lock, and he seals the deal with a heel hook as
Cena taps out.
Winner: Kurt
Angle; my 2nd favorite increasingly-shrinking bald-headed
hero. The first of course is my
penis.
Eddie Guerrero vs. Big Show; U.S.
Title
This whole
rivalry of course started when Big Show informed Eddie
& Chavo that he and I quote "didn't like their kind." Man.
Who knew it today's day and age there's still prejudice
against talented wrestlers. Oh, he meant. Never mind. From
there, HIJINX abounded as Eddie fed Big Show a plate of
compromised Taco's that caused The Giant to unload his
cavernous asshole and paint the bowl. From there, Eddie
got the upper-hand again, when he borrowed his cousin Chewy's
sewage truck (his other cousin Han Solo is a plumber
I heard) and grabbed the shit hose (coincidentally,
Patterson's nickname for his penis) and sprayed it all
over Big Show. I love how each time a truck rolls out on
WWE TV it possesses an increasingly more vile liquid. Thank
God Eddie didn't decide to take a slug off it like Austin did
the beer hose. Anyway, to finally get even for all this shit,
umm, literally, Big Show chokeslammed Eddie atop his
low-rider, breaking the glass into his back. Oh, no. Now his
back is going to have unsightly red blemishes on it!
[/sarcasm].
All kidding aside, I love Eddie, and he did the best he
could as he was basically working a with a sack of wet towels
here. The crowd seemed really burned out from the previous two
matches, and sadly this one didn't get that much of a
reaction. Although, it could be that Big Show worked the match
at such a slow pace, I believe he was able to move backwards
through time. I guess we'll know what effect it had on human
history tomorrow. Anyway, Eddie
cleverly cheats throughout, but the whole "Show's Big and
Guerrero's not" thing comes into play here as Show kicks out
of a lot of potential finishes, even after Eddie used brass
knux, the title belt, and even hit a frog splash! Man. Anyway,
Eddie walks into a chokeslam from there, but gets his foot on
the ropes at two. He then gets a low-blow on Show to buy time,
but seconds later, walks right into a 2nd chokeslam, and this
time Show gets the pin.
Huh?
Winner and
NEW United States Champion: Big Show. Well, that doesn't make
a lot of sense. Curtail the push of the red-hot Eddie Guerrero
for Big Show, who's only reason for wanting the belt in the
first place is probably because he thinks there's
chocolate under the foil? I guess Vince couldn't directly
shoot us with the shit-hose, so he did the 2nd best
thing...put over Big Show....
/5
The Undertaker
Vs. Brock Lesnar; WWE Title "Biker Chain match";
The rules for this one are of course the chain is
suspended above the ring and the first man to retrieve it gets
to use it. Somehow, I don't see real-life Bikers all
scrambling up a fucking pole to get a weapon in a gang-war.
Call me crazy. Also call me crazy for not knowing just why the
fuck they'd book THIS particular match here. I mean, you
remember all those great WWE Biker chain matches of the
past, right? Wait. What do you mean there were never any?
Well, you remember how much significance a chain played
in this Undertaker/Lesnar rivalry then, right? What do you
mean there was never a chain EVER used in any capacity,
umm, ever? Man. Ok, try this on for size. It makes sense
because Undertaker has ALWAYS been associated with and
has always brought a chain
to the ring. What do you mean he never has before? Not
ever? Then what's the point of this
match?.....*head explodes*. Dear God. Something makes me think
Vince just spun the old "Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal"
wheel backstage. Somewhere Sting feels these guys pain. While
Jake Roberts feels nothing because he's dead inside. It'd
be funnier if it wasn't
true.....
Anyway, not since the umm, *classic* Big
Bossman/Nailz "nightstick" match has there been a bout that
featured so little use of the weapon in question. Slow deliberate match that saw
Undertaker mostly dominate. In a really cool spot,
Undertaker piledrived Lesnar on the ring steps, then hung him
in a triangle choke in the ropes. After he releases it,
Lesnar hits a low-blow and both men crawl for the corner.
Lesnar tries to get to the chain, by
climbing over Taker, but he should know better than thinking
you can GO OVER THE UNDERTAKER. Wishful thinking,
motherfucker. Ahem. Taker simply grabs a hold of Lesnar
and looks for the last-ride, but Lesnar wriggles free, and the
two take each other out with a double-clothesline. Once back
on their feet, Undertaker regains the momentum, hitting the
avalanching clotheslines in the corner, a Snake
Eyes, then a big boot, as I picture Kevin Nash crying "Go
ahead. Take everything I got", before being thrown off the set
of the Punisher. Ah, no worries Kev. You can panic when Taker
starts wearing a singlet with black leather pants. Oh.
From there,
Taker applies another Triangle choke, however, the freakishly
strong Lesnar countered out of by deadlifting (HIYO) Taker up
and slamming him into a powerbomb. Awesome move. Taker then
attempts his dragon sleeper, ridiculously named "Taker care of
business". Dear God. Good thing he's not in porn. I can just
see the "Taker up the ass" now. Anyway, Lesnar somehow
counters that into an F-5, but Taker gets his foot on the
rope. Both men fight up, and Taker looks to have things in
hand, and begins climbing for the chain when The F.B.I. return
from ...the Witness Relocation Program? ....or worse
yet, another place you're exiled to where you're forced to
lose your identity completely: VELOCITY; however, it's
all for naught as they all eat some token Deadman offense.
From there, Vince finally comes down and gets involved. As
Taker grabs the chain, Vinnie Mac sneaks up from behind and
pushes him from the top, crotching him on the ropes. This
allows Lesnar to retrieve the chain and clock Big Evil for the
anticlimactic win. There goes the pain.
Winner and
STILL WWE Champion: Vince McMahon! err, I mean, Brock Lesnar!
But hey, it might as well be Vince. With the way his aged
mug's been all over this show, and then with how
he single-handedly beat Undertaker tonight, you'd
think he owned the place or something...
End
show~!
FINAL THOUGHTS:
With the exception of The Bashams vs.
A.P.A., which was the equivalent of watching someone's life
you despise flashing before your eyes, this one once again
exceeded my expectations. It's kind of like going on
a date with an ugly woman and finding out she gives great
head.... not something you particularly looked forward to, but
ends on a positive note. The booking however was a little
strange. Cena jobbing to an already established Kurt Angle,
and especially Show beating Eddie made about as much sense
as doubling up with Christopher Reeve in a potato
sack race. Weird, weird shit. But hey, at least I can say
we've heard the last of the ultra high frequency tones of
Stephanie McMahon for a while. That was worth her not quitting
to a move that'd kill anyone else on earth, while
near 400 pound dudes tapped out instantly to
much lesser non-lethal finishes. Worth it, indeed. Thumbs
up.
