WWE
NO WAY OUT
2004:(02/15/04)
Hey there,
PPV fans, and cheap motherfuckers leeching off
their friend's generosity, and everyone else who
accidentally stumbled upon this page thinking it was
porn, based on my slew of disgusting sexual innuendo and bad
language; I'm your beloved party-meister
and host Sean Carless, and welcome to No Way Out!
LIVE from San Francisco California! Which as we all know is
openly regarded as the homosexual capital of the World.
No wonder Pat Patterson was a legend here! It all makes sense
now.
Your hosts
tonight are Michael Cole and Tazz... who's
apparently traded in being a "Human Suplex Machine" in
favor of being a "Human Eating Machine"... if
indeed his ever increasing waistline is any indication.
Poor bastard. Sadly, the only thing he "chokes out"
nowadays is himself when he accidentally
swallows a chicken bone in an eating binge. Poor
Tazz. Normally, I'd just make a
joke about Michael Cole, but sadly, mother nature already
beat me to the punch there, so it was kind of futile. Oh
well.
The show
opens up with upcoming co-Playboy cover-girls Sable &
Torrie Wilson. Man. It's about time these two prudes
took off their clothes in Playboy! I can't wait to see them
naked! Oh wait.
Anyway, Sable grabs the mic and speaks, but the ultra
high frequency of her voice causes heads to explode across the
country, and dogs to burst through walls cartoon-style
leaving exact body imprints. Torrie then
grabs the mic and also welcomes everyone to the pay-per-view,
informing us that the Smackdown Superstars will do ANYTHING to
entertain the fans! They then back this up
by...doing absolutely nothing? OK, then. But
hey, all joking aside, I guess if you're going to bother to
shoot Sable nude again, now's the time. After all, at her
age, one more camera flash, and she could crumple into a pile
of burning embers. Kind of like a Vampire in sunlight.
Clearly, she made the right
choice.
The
Bashams & Shaniqua vs. (C) WORM/ASS (Rikishi &
Scotty 2 Hotty) WWE Tag team
Titles.
Huh. I
always wondered how long it would take to recapture the
*MAGIC* that was the handicap collision between Demolition and
Powers of Pain & Mr. Fuji at Wrestlemania 5, and now I
have my answer! Dear lord. For the record, this match is
for Scotty & Rikishi's WWE tag team titles; but to my
knowledge, The Basham's titles of "Most boring human
beings EVER" are not at stake. Lucky
them.
The big
story here is that Rikishi & Scotty desperately
want to get their hands on Shaniqua. They might be the
only men on earth who can make this claim. No offense to
Shaniqua or anything, but after Chyna and Asya, I'm kind of
soured on scary looking he-she's. In fact, all that's left is
for Shaniqua to pick a geographical inspired name like her
predecessors and the circle will be complete. Afryca, maybe?
That sounds about right.
Anyway,
Bashams dominate early, and make the tag to Shaniqua who tries
to PILEDRIVE Scotty 2 Hotty. Didn't she get Linda's memo?
Not that it matters, Scotty 2 Hotty's hair makes him
impervious to its effects anyway. Rikishi ends up making the
save, and comes in, and manhandles? womanhandles? both?
neither?, Shaniqua, and sets her up for the stink face,
but Doug makes the save with a HEADBUTT. Dude, have you never
watched wrestling in 50 years? YOU CANNOT HEADBUTT A SAMOAN.
The same goes for a black guy and a retard. Hell, if only the
Rock had down's syndrome! He'd be completely
unstoppable! From there, The Bashams & Shaniqua
continue to isolate Scotty, and she gets a THUNDEROUS
BODYSLAM, which Cole sells like Scotty was just dropped from
the fucking SEARS Towers. Come on! She's 180 pounds,
and maybe 6 feet tall! Huh. I guess by this
logic, if Kidman slammed him, he'd have been
tragically killed. Anyway, Scotty, finally makes a hot tag to
Rikishi, who comes in a house of fire
pancakes, and dominates all three, umm, men,
until getting a hold of Shaniqua, delivering a Samoan Drop,
and finishing with the banzai splash which Cole
abhorrently calls the "Rump Shaker". Well, he's in the
right town for that handle anyway.
Winners
& STILL Champions: Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty.
Apparently, this is the end of Shaniqua. She's being sent to
OVW for retooling (De-tooling?) Yup. God
speed.
/5
-Nidia vs. Jamie Noble package. Just your
ordinary story of boy meets girl, girl gets blinded by
deadly kool-aid, boy exploits blind girl and uses her as
a human shield, blind girl gets vision back miraculously after
finally washing the bumbleberry red out of her
eyes... then betrays boy. She then gets revenge on boy by
feeding all of their possessions into a wood chipper
conveniently parked backstage for some strange
reason. (and thank god they never got a dog together.
Just saying). You know, that same old story.
Yup.
Jamie Noble vs.
Nidia w/o Kool-aid induced blindness: Blindfold
match.
Jamie is of course forced to wear a blindfold here. You
know, kind of like how he has to when making love to
Nidia. The story here is that Noble cannot take off the hood
or he'll be disqualified, but honestly, I'm more interested
and somewhat mesmerized by Nidia's gigantic enhanced
chest. Obviously, Nidia
recently graduated from the Stephanie McMahon school of
ridiculously oversized titties. Man, would I like to visit
that campus sometime. Who knew when you go blind, your tits
grow two additional sizes? I think I'm going to go give my
girlfriend the Roddy Piper poke to the eyes and see what
happens.
Anyway, Nidia taunts Noble, by kicking him in the ass
and making faces. Psychology clearly not seen since the
famous Flair/Steamboat series in 1989. From there, Noble
almost grabs her breasts in a go behind, and Cole sells it
with disgust. OH DEAR GOD, NO. HE TOUCHED HIS OWN GIRLFRIEND'S
TITS. Stop this madness and stop it now! Her counter
though is to reverse out and pull his pants down.
Seriously. I then get the visual of Patterson feverishly
jotting down notes, as Grenier tries to back out of the arena
slowly like Kool-aid man on Family Guy. Nidia then continues
to kick Noble in the ass, to the sheer delight of Michael
Cole, that fuck. It's right then I wonder if WWE still
has that wood chipper handy and if it could indeed handle
the body of Michael Cole. I'm more than willing to put in the
time to find out. The end THANKFULLY comes after Noble ends up *cheating* by taking
off the hood briefly, so he could see where Nidia really was.
He then slams her off the top rope, then chokes her out;
which for the record is how most of my relationships have
ended. It's easier to sneak your possessions out in the middle
of the night after a dragon sleeper. What can I
say.
Winner:
Jamie Noble. God bless the WWE. The only place a domestic
squabble can end with one spouse's head covered by a
fucking pillow case, and there not be an ensuing murder
trial.
/5
-Backstage, Kurt Angle is asked by Josh Matthews, THE
HARD-HITTING QUESTION of why he attacked both Cena and
Big Show on SmackDown the other night. Ya, Kurt, why'd you attack the guys
you're going to face in a match tonight? Don't you know that'd
give you an advantage!!!! Blargggh. Fucking WWE. That's like questioning a soldier
why he just shot at the enemy. Anyway, Cena
then interrupts and says if he's going to
attack, he'll do it to Kurt's face, then he hits him. Man, if
Cena's going to be a Rapper, he better learn to be a little
more subtle when he puts a hit down on a rival. And I don't
know about you, but I can't wait for that first drive-by
Fu-ing...
Bacardi &
Cola (Haas & Benjamin) vs. A.P.A.;
For the
record, Bradshaw is selling the arm tonight, as it's
heavily bandaged. That's definitely going to make it A LOT
more difficult to pin rookies against the wall in the shower
room. Anyway, speaking of Bradshaw, it's kind of hard to take
him seriously as an ass kicker now that he has a sensible
conservative haircut. I guess he figured he'd sell
more copies of "Have More Money Now" (Not to be confused with
Paul Heyman's book which is kind of the complete opposite of
that) if he didn't look like he just rolled off the farm
kickin' horse shit off his boots. After all, there was a
reason why The Beverly Hillbillies hired Mr. Drysdale to
handle their money. Silly, Bradshaw. Texas hillbillies
don't get to be bankers! They just get to be
President!
Anyway,
for the first time in forever, Faarooq starts this thing, and
soon after we find out why that is the case. Dear god.
Anyway, Faarooq ends up hurting HIS arm soon after, and
Haas applies a hammer-lock that Tazz's points out is and I
quote, "Hammer-like". Had people try to rip your arms off
with hammers a lot there, Tazz? Man, Red Hook is a tough
neighborhood. Eventually, Faarooq makes his comeback and hits
a big spinebuster! And now a powerbomb! FAAROOQ! FAAROOQ!
FAAROOQ IS ON FIRE! HE DON'T NEED NO WATER, LET THE
MOTHERFUCKERS BURN. Hot tag (ON FIRE) to Bradshaw soon
after, and he folds Haas with the Clothesline from Hell. Satan
himself taught Bradshaw this hold. Then he went and designed
the Hell in a Cell as a playground for his children! True
story. Anyway, in the ensuing chaos, Benjamin slips in and
parts Bradshaw's stylin' do with a superkick, which should be
renamed the SUPER-DUPER KICK in honor of he and Charlie being
the GREATEST IN THE WORLD. Shelton then gets the
pin. Wow. You'd think working over both dudes arms for 10
minutes would warrant an according finish, but Psychology
along with his good pal, Continuity, obviously stepped
out for a bit. They'll be back soon.
Hopefully.
Winners:
WORLD'S GREATEST TAG TEAM, who'll hopefully win the belts from
Worm Ass post haste and then deposit Scotty &
Rikishi back into 2000 from whence they came. (Scotty
opened up a Worm-hole! It all makes sense
now!)
/5
-Goldberg comes out
and finally takes his seat at ringside. I love how
wrestlers never sit through the whole show, and just show up
half way through. Tells you all you need to know about WWE
pay-per-views lately when the talent can't stomach a full
three hours. Anyway, Paul
Heyman then comes out. Heyman tells Goldberg that he will
just sit there tonight and not interfere. Wait. What
makes you think a guy who doesn't work for this brand, and is
completely obsessed with getting to Brock Lesnar would
interfere? Oh. This brings out Brock, who calls Goldberg out,
and Bushy Bill hops the guard rail from there, and destroys
Brock with a jackhammer. Heyman then has Goldberg arrested
because he jumped the rail. He'd have been allowed to stick
around had he just ran over Brock, or set him on fire,
but you have to draw the line somewhere, right? Ahem. Anyway,
you kind have got to laugh at the irony of Heyman supporting
the giant Aryan superman over a fellow Jew. But then
again, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if
Heyman really is Jewish. I mean, he is
completely terrible with money. That's your red flag
right there....
-Lesnar is
being helped to the back, when HARDCORE HOLLY'S music hits and
Brock is apprehensive. After all, it took a mind boggling 6
minutes to defeat him completely clean at Royal Rumble last
month. Brock don't want no more of that.
Rhyno vs.
Hardcore Holly;
Ah, Bob
Holly vs. the endangered Rhyno. I think for this match, Holly
should have put on an Elmer Fudd costume, just so he could
say, "Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting Whynos". From
there, I picture Holly going on full safari, randomly
DROPKICKING various endangered species into oblivion. Before
looking down on their carcasses and yelling out "How do you
like me now!". He then flees the scene in a jeep with
NASCAR logos all over it before the wardens show up and arrest
him for poaching. That's right.
The two
put on a very slow paced match here (I had to shave again by
the time Holly made his comeback). But I understand this
was primarily due to a new office mandate where wrestlers are
expected to "tell a story". I think you may have read this
particular story. It's called "Someone kill me now, this
match sucks", and it starts off with "Once upon a time, there
were two guys you don't give a shit about. And then they
had a tedious match". I'd give away the ending for
you, but it kinda involves you eating a shotgun barrel, and I
don't want to spoil it. Anyway, Rhyno ends up hitting the
GORE, but Holly tumbles to the floor and almost gets counted
out. However, he finds the reserve to continue, channeling
that fighting spirit that allowed him to once go tit for
tat with wrestling plumber TL Hopper, and he rolls
back in. He then surprises Rhyno with an Alabama slam and
gets the win. Don't ever go to Alabama, you'll get slammed! I
once stopped there and asked for directions, and next thing
you know, I was hanging upside down over some dudes shoulders.
I pretty much blacked out from there.
Winner:
Hardcore Holly and THE BEST DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS, so don't
bother even trying to compete. It takes YEARS to master
jumping into the air then falling down. You just don't have
it, kid.
/5
Chavo
Guerrero w/o Junior w/ Chavo w/ Senior vs. (C)Rey
Mysterio w/ Jorge Paez w/o anybody knowing just who the fuck
he is: Cruiserweight Title.
The story
of this match is that Chavo has claimed that he will not only
win Rey-Rey's title, but he'll UNMASK him, too. Man, I can't
wait to see what Rey REALLY looks like! And so do the millions
of WCW fans from 1998-2001 who saw him
unmasked every week on national television. Ah, I kid. I
love Rey, and I love his mask. In fact, I'd love to know how
he gets so much love for wearing one, while I
myself don't when I slip on mine. Maybe it's because I'm
also hiding in the bushes? Maybe.
They
actually gave this one a lot of time which was surprising.
Jorge Paez is actually ejected from ringside relatively
early for knocking out Chavo Senior. The irony of this whole
situation is Chavo Senior looks so much like Cheech Marin that
I can just picture a non-wrestling fan clicking onto this and
not understanding why this crazy Aztec is assaulting Cheech.
"Leave him alone! He only smoked a little pot! He never hurt
anybody!"
Anyway, back and forth match here. Both men end up
fighting on the top, and Chavo goes for Rey's mask,
but Rey fights him off, elbows out, and hits a big
moonsault press for two. Chavo then continues to work the leg,
getting a half crab that almost gets a submission, but somehow, Rey makes it to the
ropes. Rey then rallies and hits the 619, and looks to
finish with the West-Coast Pop, when someone jumpstarts
Chavo's heart on the floor and he reanimates (Jesus, what does
he think this is, a triple-threat match or something?) and
pushes Rey off the ropes as he springboards. No! What are
you doing, Cheech?! Whoever said that marijuana
doesn't induce violent behavior is a damned dirty liar!
*Ahem*. From there, Chavo jr. quickly makes the academic pin. Yes,
Academic. Funny, when I was in school, I don't remember
having to make pinfalls. Spelling and math? Sure. Rollups? Not
so much.
Winner
& NEW Cruiserweight Champion: Chavo Junior! 2/3 Chavos
agree that was a great match. Even if we never did get to find
out what Rey really looked
like....
John Cena vs.
Kurt Angle vs. Big Show; # 1 contenders match.
The Tale
of the tape has one of John Cena's strengths listed as "Doctor
of Thuganomics". Dear god that's hilarious. How in the fuck is
that an advantage? Although, maybe it is. There's more
than a few rap songs out there that would make me fucking
tap out, so maybe I'm wrong.
Anyway,
the winner of this match will meet the WWE Champion at
Wrestlemania, as Angle and Show look to regain the title, and
Cena looks to win his first, and make history as becoming the
first ever black WWE Champion. What? Why not? A
world where fucking Rodney Mack is classified as an
African American, is clearly a world where Cena can
also make the same boast. That's
right.
They do the usual three-way shtick where there
are only two in the ring while the other lays on the floor for
a ridiculously long time. Man, and they didn't even get
punched by Jorge Paez first. Strange.
Cena's knee
is *injured* during the match, but he does manage to execute
an FU on Big Show anyway. However, Angle is in
to break up any attempt at a pin. Got to love Pro
Wrestling. The only place in the world where you're encouraged
to scoop up the heaviest people possible and launch them
through the air. If only it was like this in real life. Go to
a mall and just start scoop slamming anyone over 300 pounds
you see. I GUARANTEE you that'd be the best deterrent to
obesity possible. BODYSLAM A FAT PERSON...TO SAVE THEIR
LIFE! Only in America! (because that's where all that fat
people are...). From there, Angle hits the "Angle Slam" (whose else would it be?)
on Show but he kicks out at two, showing the fire
and reserve that has kept him U.S. Champion for 5 straight
months. That, and the fact he's made only one title defense.
Yup.
From there, Cena goes
for an F-U on Angle, but he floats over, and applies the
ankle-lock, but Show breaks that up with a chokeslam to Kurt.
Cena
then recovers and rolls up Show (as much as you can
roll up Big Show) for a close 2. From there,
Show fires off a defensive Chokeslam on Cena, but Angle
pulls him off before the three. Angle then gets the CANKLE
LOCK on Big Show, but Cena makes the save. Five-knuckle
shuffle to Angle from there. Clearly, more holds need to be
pseudonyms for masturbation like that. Let's try it. Cena
then tries jerkin' the gherkin (F-U) on Kurt, but Show
comes back in and flogs the bishop (Clips Cena's knee).
Angle then tries to spank the monkey (German suplex Big Show),
but Show just ends up pounding the pud (hitting the arena
floor). Kurt then turns his attention back to Cena,
and liquidates the inventory (applies the ankle-lock) and gets
the orgasm (tap out).
Winner and
#1 contender at Wrestlemania: Kurt Angle. Serves them
both right for wrestling the bald headed
(Olympic) champ. (one more masturbation allegory for the
road!).
(C)
Brock Lesnar w/ Here comes the
Pain vs. Eddie Guerrero w/ there goes the
Painkillers: WWE Title match.
According to pre-match vignette, Eddie said
that he's always had to overcome obstacles and battle
his demons. He then told Brock that "the voices in his head"
are now telling him that Lesnar is his next
obstacle. Voices? Damn. If this guy is hearing voices
while he's sober, just how fucked up was this guy on drugs
then? Anyway, totally excellent match that was given a
lot of time, and was actually not that
predictable, seeing how they *seemingly* got the
Goldberg spot out of the way. Eddie plays the perfect "never
say die" babyface here, and Lesnar bumps like a maniac as
well. One cool spot saw Brock catch an Eddie rana
attempt, and he just swings him around and lets him fly.
Crazy shit.
Anyway, Lesnar ends up missing a charge, and
appears to hurt his knee. Eddie then proceeds to wear him down
with a series of varying leglocks over the next 10 minutes,
but Brock won't tap out. Brock eventually gets the advantage,
and applies some submissions of his own, but Eddie also won't
give in. From there, the match builds with excellent drama as
an increasingly flustered Lesnar starts yelling "just die" at
Eddie repeatedly. Although, I'm convinced he just overheard
Triple H yelling it out while watching an RVD/Chris Jericho
match, and just thought it'd be a cool thing to do. I
could be wrong though....
Eddie regains the advantage soon there after, and
Lesnar has a bloody nose. THE ANIMAL HAS TASTED HIS OWN
BLOOD...and it tastes like, umm, blood? Pretty much. Lesnar
tries to charge Eddie in the corner from there, but Eddie
moves, and he goes for, and hits, the
triple-verticals. Eddie then goes up top for the frog splash, but Lesnar
moves and Eddie crashes and burns. Lesnar then looks to
finish with his F-5, but Eddie's leg catches the referee
in the head in mid-move and he gets bumped. Brock has the
cover, but there's no referee. Lesnar then goes for the WWE
Title to presumably use on Eddie, when a
Homeless-looking Bill Goldberg has RETURNED. And the
hand-cuffs are broken! Man, he must be one of those homeless
guys strung out on PCP. Homeless Bill then spears Lesnar and
leaves him for dead. As opposed to slitting his throat with a
box-cutter then rolling his lifeless body out of his boxcar
like other hobos would. YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIS TIN CANS
ALONE, BROCK.
Goldberg
then flees the scene, to presumably get a change of clothes, a
warm bed and a free bowl of soup backstage, and Eddie covers,
as the referee comes to, but Lesnar kicks out at 2
3/4's. Eddie then picks up the belt, and swings at
Lesnar, but Brock ducks, and scoops him up for the
F-5... but Eddie counters into a mid-move DDT and drives Brock
headfirst into the belt as well. Eddie then goes up and
connects on the frogsplash. Brock may not be a frog, (although
he is dating someone amphibious-looking in Sable) but the
splash finishes regardless, and Eddie gets the win and
the title!
After the
match, Eddie embraces his family at ringside who came to see
him win tonight. Man, that must have been a
mighty long swim from El Paso! Ah, I kid. Great moment
and a new Champion!
Winner
& NEW WWE Champion: Eddie Guerrero! He has finally climbed
that mountain and rightfully so. And he did it
completely clean and sober. So, with that said, let us all
drink a toast to Eddie Guerrero! Ahem. Maybe that's not that
good of an idea, after all....
End
show.
FINAL
THOUGHTS: This pay-per-view was headed for a complete
fucking nose-dive until Rey/Chavo, which was great; then
from there it built beautifully to Eddie's big
moment. So, once again, THE MEXICANS SAVE THE DAY. Not
only do they work harder than anyone for like no money,
but in this case, they made my money worth spending here
tonight. Hats off (Sombrero's off?) to them. Great feel-good
ending here. Big Thumbs up. Even if I had to take a few kicks
in the nuts (the first half of the card) to get
there....
