Hello
everyone, I’m Sean Carless, and this the report for No
Way Out; originally rumored to be called “No Way Should You
Shell Out $35 For This Shit.” They ultimately decided to
stick with the first choice. Go figure.
Anyway, tonight’s show comes to us
fromPittsburgh, land of steel and
other things I've never bothered to look up or care about.
This is also Kurt Angle’s hometown, and part of me secretly
wonders if Angle will come out and accept his own
hometown challenge. That part of me is quite drunk and stoned
though, so don’t listen to
him.
© The
Bashams vs. Eddie Guerrero & Rey Mysterio; WWE Tag Team
Championship
match;
The
Bashams have “SOD” written on the front of their tights, and
Michael Cole explains to us that this means “Secretaries of
Defense” and not the short form for "sodomy" as I had thought.
(Hey, JBL is their boss, so who knows?). Anyway, very solid
match, but no real spark between these two teams in my
opinion. Fun fact: The Bashams wrestled for the Tag Titles
last year at No Way Out, while still under the guidance
of a dominating sexual abuser: (Shaniqua.) Good thing they
don’t associate with anyone like that anymore!
*Ahem*.
One funny spot sees Eddie tie together
two tag ropes, giving him about a six foot reach..... or three
full Rey Mysterios. The Referee however is not
impressed.
In any event, Rey is your tiny luchador
in peril here, and eventually he ducks and dodges both Bashams
and rolls to the corner where he makes the caliente tag
to Eddie. Eddie takes it to the Bashams and gets a nearfall
with a Mysterio assist. Eddie then scoots out to the floor and
retrieves a Tag team title belt. Rey stops him however fearing
a DQ and because HE'S A GOOD PERSON. Anyway, in all this
confusion, the Bashams do the old switcheroo. Hey, just
like the Killer Bees! Only, you know, discounting the
fact that people actually cared about the Killer
Bees. Other than that, reaction, charisma and interest,
they're like totally identical, though. Trust
me.
Anyway, Eddie, however, sees the
switch, and does a forward roll off the frog splash
attempt... but feigns being unconscious, as the fallen
Basham gets up thinking Eddie had knocked himself out from the
miffed splash. Oh, that Eddie. What nonsensical Amphibian
offense will he pull out next. Eddie then grabs a really
close near-fall off a quick cradle. From there, Danny
Basham throws the Tag Title to Eddie, in an attempt to "frame
him", but Eddie just as suddenly hot potatoes it to
Doug Basham, who then has it confiscated by the Referee.
In the confusion, Rey slides the other belt to Eddie, who
then clocks Doug and gets the pin- and the titles.
Ah, Rey-Rey is a BAD PERSON after all. And
here he was, up until tonight, single-handedly shattering
all the myths of mask wearing people being horrible people. I
don't know, maybe if the rest of the guys who skulk
around wearing masks and JUMPING OUT THE SKY..err
bushes, had REALLY AWESOME LUCHA OFFENSE instead of just
carrying Rophenol and some duct tape, they too would be more
appreciated. Maybe.
Winners and new champions: Rey Mysterio,
Eddie Guerrero and Lying, Cheating and Stealing! The
latter of which was probably the last remaining shreds
of charisma in the Bashams. Hey, just
saying.
/5
-Sideshow Carlito is backstage and
taunts G.M. Teddy Long by introducing him to "the wife" of one
of the board of directors. OH NO. Not the woman who washes his
pants! Seriously, what power would this bitch have? I dated a
girl who was manager of a McDonalds once. Does this mean I can
go in and fucking chastise the douchebag mopping the
floor? Which I do anyway, sure, because he's going
nowhere in life. That's right. No. I can't. Or
something.
Anyway, she puts over the previous match
and speaks her piece with the poise and grace of a person
who has no business ever being in this industry.
Hey, quick, hire this woman for the creative team! I heard
that's their main criteria. After she bolts, Carlito says
that the WWE Board of Directors have been speaking, and Long’s
future may hinge on whether he can sign Batista or not for
Smackdown. But hey, why the fuck would they care? It’s
the WWE board of directors; don’t they govern both
shows? Why would they care what fucking show DAVE is on?
Why am I asking questions when there's no one here? And why am
I so desperately lonely?
-Torrie
Wilson comes out to the ring next, along with the woman
who married, then murdered her father by sexually pleasuring
him to death, Dawn Marie. We all should hope for the same
fate. The two then introduce the participants for the “Rookie
Diva Contest”... and BOY are there A LOT of big fake titties
in this ring right now! It’s no wonder they call this the
Mellon Arena! …OK, OK, I know it’s
spelled differently, but I really wanted to make that joke, so
sue
me.
Anyway, the four contestants are “Rochelle”
“Lauren”, Michelle McCool and Joy…who according to a screen,
lists her "credentials" as being a “Special Friend to Big
Show.” How is that a skill? Actually, I take it back. If she
can have sex with a Giant and not have her bottom half explode
upon climax, then that really is a skill that should be
commended. I appreciate a woman whose nether-regions can
absord the impact of a gusher the likes of which could
not been fathomed unless Hoover Dam breaks. Anyway,
the four prance around the ring for a minute for the benefit
of the men, then leave relatively quickly without talking. If
only more women could follow their example. If
only.
-Pulp Fiction vignette with Eddie
Guerrero and Booker T. airs again. Personally, I think they
could further the skit by having the Marcellus Wallace
rape scene featuring JBL's cabinet. Hell, one of the
Bashams could play the Gimp. After all, they did used to wear
those masks last year!
Booker T. w/ petty criminal
record vs. HEIDENREICH w/ WAR criminal
record?
Booker:
“I like your poetry.” Heidenreich: “I
like the way you rob Wendy’s.” Am the only one who’d
mark out for this exchange? Umm, probably. Anyway, the whole
scuttlebutt on the net lately is that Heidy’s
original gimmick was to be a “Frozen Nazi”. Makes sense to me.
Although, one would have to wonder what Hitler had in mind
with Heidenreich here. Freeze him for 60 years (bar a brief
thaw-out so the big man could pencil in a couple of seasons
with the Saints) then release him from captivity... so he
could destroy the western world through absolutely terrible
wrestling? It's no wonder that motherfucker lost the
war.
Heidenreich doesn't really seem to get out of the
blocks (bunker?) here, and seems kind of lethargic. Of course,
you'd be a little plodding too if you just spent the better
part of the last century in a Cryogenic chamber, so I
guess I'll cut him a break. Anyway, finish sees
Heidenreich snap and get himself disqualified for hitting Book
with a chair in the shoulder. Money well
spent.
Winner: Booker by disqualification.
Loser: Me, for paying for this match... and not
just because I'm an anti-social nerd. Despite what you
may have heard....
/5
-The babyface locker room celebrates
Eddie & Rey’s big win when John Cena enters. Eddie asks
for a minute alone with John and gives him a great pep talk
about not quitting tonight no matter how much pain he might be
in. Maybe Eddie should re-direct this pep talk to me. After
that last fucking match, I'm ready to tap
out.
6 way
elimination gauntlet for the Cruiserweight Title featuring ©
Funaki, Akio, Paul London, Shannon Moore, Spike Dudley &
Chavo
Guerrero;
First off,
Paul London runs to the ring looking like a 3 year old kid who
dresses himself and wears every article of clothing he owns.
The fur coat was nice touch though. However, I'd be on
the lookout for PETA though, my friend. They're not above
throwing red paint on that coat, which of course
completely stops "the manufacturing of fur", and
certainly doesn't increase demand because you now have
to replace your ruined coat. It's a brilliant
ploy. Definitely.
Anyway....ondon
starts things out with Funaki, who is
of course your current champion. Lucky him. The first
match he wins in 6 fucking years, and it's for the title.
After a few short minutes of action,
Spike Dudley sneaks in and gets a cheap shot on Funaki,
and
London
rolls him up from
behind to eliminate him. THE BOYHOOD DREAM HAS ENDED. I
actually have no idea if that was Funaki's boyhood dream or
not (mine was getting laid) but I believe a historic two
month Title reign like that deserves the ultimate in
wrestling hyperbole.
Spike immediately jumps in next, and I
must say again, his goatee has reached even
beyond Jim Neidhart proportions now. I say shave it off
before the urge to spontaneously rob your neighbor of their
jewelry kicks in. Trust me. Anyway, Funaki returns the
favor to Spike, and slides back in and superkicks him,
allowing London
to eliminate him as well.
Shannon Moore jumps in next, sporting a
Red Rooster look…well, if Terry Taylor was put in the washer
on the cold cycle. Great little exchange between London and
Moore, who is apparently now known as the “Prince of
Punk”... despite the fact he was probably not even born when
the movement was popular. Anyway, London
eventually eliminates him with the "London Calling" 450
splash, which is ironic because 1979 London is about last time
anybody had Shannon's
fucking haircut.
In next is Akio, who immediately takes
it to London. Apparently, much like so many others before him,
Akio travels throughout life with no discernable last
name, in addition to crying to anyone who'll listen
how he's "really Korean" and not Japanese. Bah. All you
cruiserweights look the same to
me!
Anyhoo, the two have some pretty cool exchanges as
well, but this crowd is just dead, which sucks for these guys.
At one point, the two men each climb up on the top rope, and
London hits a HUGE swinging neckbreaker off the top! The
referee gives the mandatory count while both men are down.
London is up at nine, but Akio is not ,so he’s eliminated? Say
what? The standing count is actually supposed to
stop when one of the two men get to their feet; or why not
just start counting whenever one guy is knocked down? Where's
Credibilly when we
need him???! Anyway, Chavo comes in last (I believe he's
injured) and beats down London, yelling at him for
forcing him to actually have to do some work. (could it be
that Chavo is secretly enrolled in the Welfare system?).
Anyway, London takes some abuse then
“London’s up” (as much as 160 pound guy with a pudding basin
haircut can hulk up) and goes on offense. However, even a
fucking snowman on Pluto creates more heat then this
match apparently, so he gets zero reaction. Poor
Paul. To say the crowd was apathetic would be an
understatement. Anyway, the finish sees London try a
forward roll, but Chavo rolls through, and grabs the ropes and
gets the assisted pin to win the title.
SHENANIGANS.
Winner and
NEW champion: Chavo Guerrero; Fun fact: Chavo actually won the
CW title at last year’s No Way Out, too. Funner Fact: I
probably say "fun fact" too fucking much. I'll stop now.
/5
-Divas come back out. It’s time for the
"Talent" portion of the evening! And if someone would
just shine a blacklight on these women’s dresses, I’m
sure we’d see exactly what those talents really are.
Anyway, Joy gives Torrie a "massage". Unfortunately, there are
no battery driven devices and honey in this particular
skit, so it’s a washout. Up next, is the stand-up comedy
stylings of Rochelle, who is about as funny as a kick in the
sack. However, her abilities to make other things stand up are
good, as this nude
photo that I
dug up will attest to. Give this woman a standing ovation! I
will, once I learn how to clap with one hand. Up
next we have...Lauren? I don’t know. She
dances...I think . Actually, they’re all
running together in my head now. Finally, Michelle
McCool, best known for her prowess of Dodging balls last
summer (and a testament to her current employment likely)
shows her “talent” by bodyslamming Dawn Marie. Funny,
whenever I scoop up random women and slam them, no one gives
me any credit and I win no contests. Why is she so
special?
-JBL gives a great promo backstage about
the perils of the cage match tonight. He states that his body
is temporary… but the title is
eternal. Actually, I think it's just this
fucking Title reign that's
eternal.
The
Undertaker w/ ability to no sell death vs. Luther Reigns w/
the very same
ability!
Considering the slew of grievous bodily
harm Luther has overcome, I’m starting to think that the wrong
guy has the walking deadman gimmick here. Anyway, this match
was just Hosstacular in its Hossiness. They were like two big
bulls running together. And other euphemisms for plodding slow
moving creatures boringly
colliding.
But seriously, I don’t know why
Undertaker insists on working such long matches with people
with so many physical limitations, but he always does. Perhaps
this is the price of his eternal life? Maybe if he
actually had a good match, it'd be just like the picture
of Dorian Gray and Taker would shrivel up and die. Did I
mention how much I've drank tonight? (LOTS!) Oh! and for
the record, I thought your hair was supposed to keep growing
after you’re dead, not recede. What’s the deal,
Undertaker?
Anyway,
this match starts off promising enough, as Luther has a decent
amount of raw skill; but expecting him to put on a fifty/fifty
match where he’s not dominating isn’t exactly playing to his
strengths. Anyway, Luther counters a tombstone into his
inverted swinging neckbreaker thingy that no one ever
fucking gets over, but that only gets two. Luther then
goes for another, but Taker reverses that into a DDT, does his
throat slash (which is kind of insensitive considering what
Luther’s been through…) and gets his tombstone to get the win.
Winner: Undertaker. Knives and guns
can't put Luther down, but piledrivers can. Clearly, we
need to teach our Law enforcement more catch as catch can
wrestling. It's the ONLY way to stop
crime!
/5
- Basic
Instinct parody with Stacy, Jericho, Benoit & Christian
airs again. This was my favorite one of the lot they’ve shown.
The only thing missing was the unemployed Test being shown on
his sofa, one tear streaming down his giant
rodent-shaped face, muttering "I used to put my dick in
that..."
-YES! The finals of the
“Rookie Diva Contest” now. And you can cut the anticipation
with a butter knife. Each lady comes out in their bikini. Joy
shows a thong under her bikini bottom. But who wears underwear
under their bathing suit? Well, besides my grandfather that
is. Anyway, the votes are in! And It’s official!…100% of
people still watching have lost the will to live! And oh ya,
Joy “wins". Who knew that letting Big Show unfurl his
ungodly genitals into your love hole like an
unrolled Sleeping bag would finally pay
off!
Kurt Angle vs. John Cena: Winner gets the
second banana spot
at Wrestlemania;
This of course the final in the tournament to
determine a number one contender to the WWE Title at
Wrestlemania. As only Kurt Angle stands in John Cena's
way to becoming to the first ever Thinks he's black World
Champion. You see, for YEARS, pretend African Americans have
been denied their RIGHTFUL opportunities in this
industry. Like PIONEERS like PG-13, who courageously fought
for their right to sit at the front of the bus (It was the Lex
Express actually.). Courageous patriots like Scotty 2
Hotty, MURDERED in the prime of their lives, only because
he yearned for equality. Wait. What? He's still
alive? You sure? The bottom line here is no longer will the
not-black man be held back! No longer will he
persecuted solely because of the lack of color of
the his skin! The chickens are coming home to roost, y'all.
And John Cena will be damned if they end up in the skillet
like hands of the Big Show. I'm tellin' you.
Anyway,
even though the result of this one is pretty predictable, it
still delivered, and delivered big. This was probably the best
Cena’s looked in a LONG time, and they put him over STRONG.
The crowd is actually pretty divided here, with
chants for both men during the match. One really cool spot
sees Angle deliver a German release (Not this) into the buckles. Not
to be outdone, John Cena
later gets aerial and squashes Angle with a huge flying
legdrop off the top rope as Angle lay straddled over the
ropes. Cena then hits the FU…but Angle kicks out at two. Cena thinks he’s won
it and has words (WORD!) with the official. This gives
Kurt a chance to clip Cena’s leg, and from there, Kurt
goes to work, delivering some particularly stiff looking
stomps to Cena’s ankle in the process. Angle then hits the
Angle Slam and drops the straps, exposing the POT BELLY OF
SOLID MUSCLE, which of course signifies the
anklelock. Cena
fights the pain and makes it the ropes on the AWESOME POWER of
hip hop alone. The power of Kanye West compels me!
Angle pulls Cena away, but then accidentally
hits referee Charles Robinson in the face with a
stray elbow. The crowd begins to chant for HBK, but
apparently Shawn decided to keep the Sabbath holy and doesn’t
show up. With the ref down, Angle decides to try and cheat,
and grabs Cena’s chain, but Cena explodes on him with a hard
tackle in the corner and scoops up Angle and hits a big FU for
the
pin.
A lot of
people were probably expecting the clichéd HBK run-in, but WWE
opted to put over Cena straight up (gangsta!), and that’s
probably the best idea at this
point.
Winner:
John Cena, who will now go onto to Wrestlemania to face (let's
be honest) JBL. Wrestling God vs. the WWE's new personal Jesus
and Savior. I've seen his miracles. He can turn water
into wine PHAT
beats!
/5
© JBL vs. Big Show for the WWE
Championship; Barbwire Steel Cage
Match:
As they’re lowering the cage, Michael
Cole tells us that the Steel Cage is a Carnivore. And here I
thought it was just an inanimate metal structure erected
around the ring. Shows what I know. No wonder I failed
science.
And we're on~! It's
the man who's dignity was raped (or a getting a haircut
to everyone under 7 feet on earth), against, well, I think you
know where I'm going with this; so I don't even need to say
it. Anyway, JBL takes this thing tentatively, but Show
manhandles him from the word go, throwing him around
effortlessly. Eventually though, JBL returns the favor and
runs Show into the cage and he's busted open. UNFORGIVING STEEL CAGE. It has no use for your
apolgies, so don't even bother. JBL however looks to climb
out, but by gawd, he can't get past that razor-sharp barbwire,
and soon after he is bleeding as well. And that's really t he
story here. The cage is inescapable, or dare I say there's "no
way out" (HIYO). Man, what a coincidence this show's name is
coupled with an inescapable cage. What's next, a Royal Rumble
featuring a 30 man free-for-all? We can
dream.
JBL keeps desperately searching for
a way to possibly escape, but nothing doing.
However, salvation looks to come in the form of the Bashams
and Orlando Jordan, who try to interfere. And if JBL truly is
a Wrestling God like he says, then by God (no pun
intended), he's got just about the worst
disciples I've ever seen in my life. However, if this
means we can expect Jordan to eventually hang himself
after betraying JBL, I'm all for it. I actually had this
other great Bible parable involving a cock and Jordan denying
JBL three times, but ultimately decided against it, because,
well, I think I've already made about 300 JBL gay jokes
already in this Rant.
As the Cabinet tries in vain to get
in (NO WAY IN~!), Teddy Long comes out and declares
that there will be NO OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE, and exiles
the Cabinet from the ringside area; but not before O.J. slides
some bolt cutters to JBL…and not a bloody knife.
What kind of OJ are you? Come on! Bradshaw then uses
them on Show, and then hits the Clothesline from Hell in
a Cell, in honor of the cage.
Obviously.
JBL goes
for another, but this time he runs into the
goozle and eats a chokeslam by Show for a two count. JBL then
begins climbing the cage, bolt-cutters in hand, hoping to snip
away the barbwire so he can escape, but Show is there, and the
two jockey on the top rope, until Show chokeslams JBL off and
THROUGH the ring! Show then gingerly climbs down from the
ropes and opts to escape through the cage door, but it’s
locked. Big Show remedies this by simply ripping the chain off
and steps out of the cage as the bell rings. Show thinks he’s
won the match, but apparently, JBL crawled through the
collapsed ring and out from the apron to win the
match. Got to laugh at the irony of JBL squeezing himself
through a tight hole, though. Hey, could I make any
more corny JBL jokes tonight? You bet I
could!
Winner & still champion: That
clever JBL. Maybe his fellow Conservative madman
the Ultimate Warrior gave him some
swank under-the-ring pointers? (sans shit pail, of
course). Stranger things have
happened.
/5
-After the match, the Cabinet jumps Big
Show, but here’s DAVE Batista to make the save! And he’s
wearing his trunks?! Huh? I don’t know about you, but
when I show up for a fight, I don’t have the
sudden urge to take my pants off. DAVE
then kills everyone dead, but JBL, who’s slithering away.
However, John Cena cuts him off and beats the shit out of him
before spinbustering him off the stage through some tables.
Intrigue~! Cena and Batista then stare at each other, as
each man makes the belt gesture. Although, I suspect
Cena was just subtly suggesting to Dave that he go
put his pants back on. Maybe? I don't
know.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I sure am drunk.
This feels weird but good at the same time. Anyway, as is
custom with WWE pay-per-views lately, this one had a couple of
decent matches, coupled with some mind numbing shit at the
same time. Specifically, the Divas segment, which was
like going to the strippers, and they don’t even
bother taking off their clothes. This was 15 minutes of
my life I’ll never have back. Ok, maybe I wouldn’t do anything
productive with that time anyway, but I still feel gypped
considering the price of this show. So, in closing, I may have
to masturbate to it, but I don’t have to like it!
That said, my two match rule insists I
must give this show a thumbs up, so I
shall.
I'm Sean.
WWE