Not a day
goes past where there isn't someone,
somewhere inevitably asking: "Where's The
Ultimate Warrior, and when is he coming
back?" However, what most don't realize is
that even though the enigmatic Warrior has
seemingly walked away from sports entertainment,
his presence is still felt all around the
world. You see, since his self imposed retirement
from Wrestling, Warrior has chosen to spend the
bulk of his free time walking
running the Earth, dispensing Destrucity
like it was beer to an Irishman to all those who
cared to listen; spreading his message abroad, and
often, righting many wrongs that may fall before
him (after a series of clotheslines; and, well,
clotheslines.). Many of these tales and adventures
have been housed in an ultra-secret novel known as
"The Book of Warrior", in which Warrior's
disciples (Not Ed Lesley) have kept
meticulous records of their messiah, in journal
form... and actually written in English (I was
surprised, too).
These individual tales are
known as "The Chronicles of Warrior", and luckily
for us, we here at The Wrestling Fan.com have been
privy to this information, and will start to
reveal some of these previously unknown journal
entries.
Join
us now as we reveal but one of these
stories:
OPERATION WARRIOR:
By
now we're all aware of "Operation Iraqi Freedom"
initiated by President George W. Bush in hopes to
fully liberate Iraq from the "dictatorship" of
Saddam Hussein and not say, oil. Trust us. What
the world does not realize is that in the last
several months, The Bush regime had a secret
weapon at their disposal,the gullability of 50%
of the nation a man who ultimately(~!) turned
the tide for the U.S., and in turn helped the
fighting men and women of the armed forces triumph
in their goal. I'm of course speaking of The
Ultimate Warrior, or as he was code named: "The
Weapon of Mass Destrucity"
It was decided about 6
months ago that despite their best efforts, the
Armed forces were still suffering casualties to a
people, who seemingly wanted no part of democracy.
It was at this point the call was placed to
Scottsdale Arizona, err "Parts Unknown", and The
Warrior. After being briefed on the dire
situation, Warrior was willing to do what he
could.... providing there were no homosexuals
or Mexicans in his
platoon...
Truth be told, It was not very
difficult to convince Warrior to bring down
Saddam. You see, he was still quite angry over the
fact that it was Hussein who put Sgt. Slaughter up
to "stealing" his WWF Title in 1991, and was
willing to do whatever was necessary to punish the
Dictator for this unpardonable "sin". With this,
OPERATION WARRIOR was set into motion... you know,
before blowing up five minutes into the
plan...
Day
1
Right out of the gate, there was some minor
dissension between Warrior and the other men
aboard the Black Hawk chopper headed over the
Middle East. When asked which was the better
country in which to enter Iraq, "Turkey or
Kuwait", one soldier stood up and said "I think
Turkey is best". Warrior caught wind of the last
statement and completely misinterpreted the boy's
words, before going on a long winded tirade of
health consciousness, singing the praises of soy,
and preaching how a Warrior should never sully his
holy temple by consuming such a foul bird. All was
settled, thankfully, when the Master-Chief relayed
to Warrior that the men were not speaking of
fatty luncheon products, but instead the best
possible route of attack. Warrior still insisted
he stand still, however, for a shoulder tackle. He
was 34. And terrible at
selling.
Day
2
Having
now landed, the troops set up camp and went over
strategies. (Warrior made no suggestions himself,
however, instead hoping Pat Patterson would call
in and lay it all out). Seconds later, Warrior
shocked the men by announcing that he required no
weapons, and further baffled the troops by then
shedding his fatigues, insisting on doing battle
in a tiny snug pair of bikini briefs, explaining
that he's at his best when completely
"unfettered".
With
the Battle plan firmly set in place, Warrior once
again bucked authority, refusing to travel by tank
or even by helicopter, instead insisting on making
his "surprise" assault by being launched by the
division's Patriot missile launcher! (Designed by
Del Wilkes, in between sets of fully masked
football drills). After much deliberation, it was
ultimately (no pun intended) decided that
Warrior's unique assault would be the most
unpredictable, so Warrior was subsequently greased
up ironically and packed into the phallic-like
launcher where he was then propelled into the sky
like a homophobic dildo.
Warrior, as he cascaded
through the darkened desert, soon realized that
unlike a standard missile, he lacked a guiding
system (something that may have came in handy in
'91 whilst holding Vince up for money) but
fortunately for him, he learned to manipulate and
contort his body during his many explosive flying
shoulder tackles, and was thus able to guide
himself into proper
position....
Upon
impact, the Warrior destroyed much of the Iraqi
bunker, and proceeded to attack the unprepared
enemy with a barrage of thunderous clotheslines.
He then began recklessly pressing every man in
sight over his head, friend or foe, before all was
left was a trail of broken bodies. Dave Meltzer
gave the blitz **1/4
With
this first victory under his belt, (Blue, and for
sale on Ebay!) the Master Chief contacted him by
two way radio and asked the Ultimate One if he
needed a chopper to retrieve him. Warrior of
course refused, and instead sprinted to his next
location, and his next, unloading the patented
Warrior offense on all those who had opposed him.
(For 4 minutes anyway. After that he just looked
at his hands and mumbled).
Day's
3-6
Warrior only continued over
the next days, refusing air pick up and instead
running from city to city, destroying all who
dared cross his path, if only to occasionally stop
to briefly discuss the perks of a mutually
rewarding nation-wide flat tax. Because, as
Warrior always says, just because you smite your
enemies with extreme prejudice, doesn't mean you
can't first sell them on responsible fiscal
government.
All
in all, Warrior made his way across the ENTIRE
country in SEVERAL DAYS by FOOT. Eventually
Warrior made his way to Baghdad, but unfortunately
for our face-painted hero, The Iraqi forces were
ready for him, and unloaded heavy artillery,
apparently mortally wounding
him.
However,
as several of the soldiers began to add insult to
injury (they told him that Randy Savage carried
all of their matches) by beating him with sticks
and in some cases the butt's of their rifles,
Warrior began to ignore the pain. Soon he got to
his knees and grabbed the bottom strand of the
barbed-wire fence used for a barricade and began
to shake it profusely! This just made the soldiers
more angry and they only increased the ferocity of
their attack -- but none of this registered with
Warrior, who now effortlessly shrugged off each
blow while grabbing the second strand of the
fence, then finally the last!
Warrior was
now a man possessed (Papa Shango?) and began
throwing wild punches and clotheslines,
before grabbing one man by the turban to hold him
in place. Warrior himself then began to jog on the
spot. The remaining soldiers were so shocked by
Warrior's super human display that they did
nothing to stop him, even as he launched himself
back first into the fence and then propelled
himself forward into a devastating shoulder tackle
that caused the soldier to disappear into the
night sky.
The
remainder then surrendered immediately, to save
themselves from a similar fate, because let's face
it, the battle was over the moment Warrior spotted
those ropes.
Day 7.
The
next day, Warrior traveled the city, walking,
posing, oiling his body. All those who'd oppose
him then bowed at his feet in unconditional
surrender. (I think it was the ooil). It was from
there that Warrior noticed that a large dubious
statue of Saddam Hussein was standing before him,
almost mocking him. ( Why not? This was a guy who
talked to himself for 4 minutes at WM 7, after
all). He then instructed his fellow allies to
destroy all evidence of the man as he wanted it
completely forgotten (Vince McMahon was seen
taking notes.). When several of the men had
difficulty breaking the structure, Warrior simply
delivered an ominous promo and followed it up with
a disturbing snort. The statue then simply tipped
over, buckling to Warrior's ultimate
will.
Warrior would then instruct
those around him to construct a *new* statue, one
that would stand forever. And although the Qur'an
distinctly spoke out against men who wear make-up,
the Iraqi people couldn't help but be compelled by
this exotic muscleman and constructed the statue
with pride, placing it over the shattered rubble
of the previous structure. Warrior then bellowed
"mote it be!" but no one knew what the hell he was
talking about and just went back to
building....
Warrior then finally declared
victory, as all rejoiced. Children began to gather
around him, in awe of this strange painted man who
single-handedly leveled oppression...all in his
underwear. Their parents then scooped them up in
terror, as this scenario never tends to end well
for anyone. WARRIAH!
Day 8 &
9.
In
celebration of the end of tyranny, (which we've
learned he can finally pronounce) President George
Bush himself flew out to greet The Warrior, and to
pass along his congratulations. During the entire
flight back to the U.S., when asked about his
mission, Warrior began babbling about "those who
believe, and the skeletons who made the
sacrifices" to which Dick Cheney leaned over and
whispered to the President firmly, "Christ, this
guy makes even less sense than you do!". He then
went back to counting the souls he had collected
for Satan.
Finally, back in U.S. soil,
Warrior was asked to address the House of
Representatives and make the official announcement
of victory. Warrior then went into a bizarre
tirade, pacing back in forth, before expounding
these words: "GREETINGS AND UNPARALLELED
SALUTATIONS SEEKERS OF HIGHER EDUCATION, THE
WARRIAH HAS COME AMONG YOU TO DISSECT THE
APOCALYPTIC DISSONANCE FOR TRUTH, THE VERY
SYMBIOTIC GRAMMAR WHICH SO BRAGGADOCIOSLY OPPOSES
THE COMPLEX BIORHYTHM OF TENACIOUS DESTRUCITY! AND
MOTE IT BE , THE VERY COMMANDMENTS WHICH OCCUPY
THE MAIRSEDOATES AND DOESYDOATES OF THE HUMAN SOUL
ARE LAY WASTE BEFORE THAT WHICH THE WARRIAH
POSSESSES!...Always
Believe."
As
the crowd sat there stunned,
Warrior then suddenly noticed some tobacco
lobbyists in the crowd, and let out a loud grunt
before attacking them, and bellowing for all to
hear: "Be a Survivor ...
Donnnnnnn't Smooooooke!"...
At
that moment, Warrior's music began mysteriously
blaring throughout the House, and after knocking
over the podium and intensely pacing around the
stage, Warrior than leapt off said stage and
sprinted through the sea of white hair,
clotheslining every Democrat in his path, before
stopping to briefly pantomime a "press to the
heavens" motion, before disappearing out the
doors altogether, not being heard from
since. WARRIAH!
And
thus is the tale of how Warrior single-handedly
turned the tide in the Gulf. Almost one week
later, Saddam Hussein was captured by U.S.
forces, after being driven from the hole he
was hiding in (OVW?) by what is reputedly
described as a "menacing make-up wearing man
in his underwear" (Not Michael Jackson). Pundits
have assumed this man was Warrior, because who
else has such an extensive knowledge of holes and
hiding spots so to make a longwinded
nonsensical entrance while
carelessly putting wrestlers lives in danger?
Or something.
The
Destrucity carries on Next month!
Maybe!
Stay
tuned!
WARRIAH.
