(posted originally in Spring
2004)
Not a day
goes past where there isn't someone,
somewhere inevitably asking: "Where's The
Ultimate Warrior, and when is he coming
back?"However, what most don't realize is
that even though the enigmatic Warrior has
seemingly walked away from sports entertainment,
his presence is stillfelt all around the
world. You see, since his self imposed retirement
from Wrestling, Warrior has chosen to spend the
bulk of his free time walking the Earth,
dispensing Destrucity like it was beer to an
Irishman, to all those who cared to listen;
spreading his message abroad, and often, righting
many wrongs that may fall before him. Many of
these tales and adventures have been housed in an
ultra-secret novel known as "The Book of Warrior",
in which Warrior's disciples (Not Ed
Lesley) have kept meticulous records of their
messiah, in journal form.
These individual tales are
known as "The Chronicles of Warrior", and luckily
for us, we here at The Wrestling Fan.com have been
privy to this information, and will start to
reveal some of these previously unknown journal
entries.
Join
us now as we reveal but one of these
stories:
OPERATION WARRIOR:
By
now we're all aware of "Operation Iraqi Freedom"
initiated by President George W. Bush in hopes to
fully liberate Iraq from the dictatorship of
Saddam Hussein. What the world does not realize is
that in the last several months, The Bush regime
had a secret weapon at their disposal, a man who
ultimately(~!) turned the tide for the U.S., and
in turn helped the fighting men and women of the
armed forces triumph in their goal. I'm of course
speaking of The Ultimate Warrior, or as he was
code named: "The Weapon of Mass
Destrucity"
It was decided about 6
months ago that despite their best efforts, the
Armed forces were still suffering casualties to a
people, who seemingly wanted no part of democracy.
It was at this point the call was placed to
Scottsdale Arizona, err "Parts Unknown", and The
Warrior. After being briefed on the dire
situation, Warrior was willing to do what he
could.... providing there were no homosexuals
or Mexicans in his
platoon...
Truth be told, It was not very
difficult to convince Warrior to bring down
Saddam. You see, he was still quite angry over the
fact that it was Hussein who put Sgt. Slaughter up
to "stealing" his WWF Title in 1991, and was
willing to do whatever was necessary to punish the
Dictator for this unpardonable "sin". With this,
OPERATION WARRIOR was set into
motion.
Day
1
Right out of the gate, there was some minor
dissension between Warrior and the other men
aboard the Black Hawk chopper headed over the
Middle East. When asked which was the better
country in which to enter Iraq, "Turkey or
Kuwait", one soldier stood up and said "I think
Turkey is best". Warrior caught wind of the last
statement and completely misinterpreted the boy's
words, before going on a long winded tirade of
health consciousness, singing the praises of soy,
and preaching how a Warrior should never sully his
holy temple by consuming such a foul bird. All was
settled, thankfully, when the Master-Chief relayed
to Warrior that the men were not speaking of
fatty luncheon products, but instead the best
possible route of attack.
Day
2
Having
now landed, The troops set up camp and went over
strategies. Warrior shocked the men by announcing
that he requires no weapons, and further baffled
the troops by shedding his fatigues and insisting
on doing battle in a tiny snug pair of bikini
briefs, explaining that he's at his best when
"unfettered".
With
the Battle plan firmly set in place, Warrior once
again bucked authority, refusing to travel by tank
or even by helicopter, instead insisting on making
his "surprise" assault by being launched by the
division's Patriot missile launcher! After much
deliberation, it was ultimately (no pun intended)
decided that Warrior's unique assault would be the
most unpredictable, so Warrior was subsequently
greased up and packed into the launcher where he
was propelled into the sky. Unfortunately, for
many Iraqi's, this tumbling ball of multi-colored
chaos would be the last thing they'd ever
see....
Warrior, as he cascaded
through the darkened desert, soon realized that
unlike a standard missile, he lacked a guiding
system (something that may have came in handy in
'91 whilst holding Vince up for money) but
fortunately for him, he learned to manipulate and
contort his body during his many explosive flying
shoulder tackles, and was thus able to guide
himself into proper
position....
Upon
impact, the Warrior destroyed much of the Iraqi
bunker, and proceeded to attack the unprepared
enemy with a barrage of thunderous clotheslines.
He then began recklessly pressing every man in
sight over his head, friend or foe, before all was
left was a trail of broken
bodies.
With
this first victory under his belt, the Master
Chief contacted him by two way radio and asked if
he'd like a chopper to retrieve the ultimate one.
Warrior refused, and instead sprinted to his next
location, and his next, unloading the patented
Warrior offense on all those who had opposed
him.
Day's
3-6
Warrior continued over the
next days, refusing air pick up and instead
running from city to city, destroying all who
dared cross his path, if only to occasionally stop
to briefly discuss the perks of a mutually
rewarding nation-wide flat tax. Because, as
Warrior always says, just because you smite your
enemies with extreme prejudice, doesn't mean you
can't first sell them on responsible fiscal
government.
All
in all, Warrior made his way across the ENTIRE
country in SEVERAL DAYS by FOOT. Eventually
Warrior made his way to Baghdad, but unfortunately
for our face-painted hero, The Iraqi forces were
ready for him, and unloaded heavy artillery at
Warrior and apparently mortally wounded
him.
However,
as several of the soldiers began to add insult to
injury by beating him with sticks and in some
cases the butt's of their rifles, Warrior began to
ignore the pain. Soon he got to his knees and
grabbed the bottom strand of the barbed-wire fence
used for a barricade and began to shake it
profusely! This just made the soldiers more angry
and they increased the ferocity of their attack,
but none of this registered with Warrior, who now
effortlessly shrugged off each blow while grabbing
the second strand of the fence, then finally the
last! Warrior was now a man possessed and began
throwing wild punches and clotheslines,
before grabbing one man by the turban and held him
in place as Warrior himself began to jog on the
spot. The remaining soldiers were so shocked by
Warrior's super human display that they did
nothing to stop him as he launched himself back
first into the fence and propelled himself forward
into a devastating shoulder tackle that caused the
soldier to disappear into the night
sky.
The
remainder then surrendered immediately, to save
themselves from a similar fate, because let's face
it, the battle was over the moment Warrior spotted
those ropes. (Warrior + Ropes= INVINCIBILITY.
Clearly.)
Day 7.
The
next day, Warrior traveled the city, as all those
who'd oppose him bowed at his feet in
unconditional surrender. It was from there he
noticed that a large dubious statue of Saddam
Hussein was standing before him, almost mocking
him. He instructed his fellow allies to destroy
the statue as it represented a bygone regime. When
several of the men had difficulty breaking the
structure, Warrior simply delivered an ominous
promo and followed it up with a disturbing snort
as the statue simply tipped over, buckling to
Warrior's ultimate will.
Warrior would then instruct
those around him to construct a new statue, one
that would stand forever. And although the Qur'an
distinctly spoke out against men who wear make-up,
the Iraqi people couldn't help but be compelled by
this exotic muscleman and constructed the statue
with pride and placed it over the shattered rubble
of the previous structure. Warrior then bellowed
"mote it be!" but no one knew what the hell he was
talking about and just went back to
building....
Warrior then finally declared
victory, as all rejoiced. Children began to gather
around him, in awe of this strange painted man who
single-handedly leveled oppression...all in his
underwear. WARRIAH!
Day 8 &
9.
In
celebration of the end of tyranny, President
George Bush himself flew out to greet The Warrior
to pass along his congratulations. During the
entire flight back to the U.S., when asked about
his mission, Warrior began babbling about "those
who believe, and the skeletons who made the
sacrifices" to which Bush leaned over to Dick
Cheney and whispered "Jesus Christ, this guy's
fucking crazier than
Ashcroft!"...
Finally, back in U.S. soil,
Warrior was asked to address the House of
Representatives and make the official announcement
of victory. Warrior then went into a bizarre
tirade, pacing back in forth, before expounding
these words: "GREETINGS AND UNPARALLELED
SALUTATIONS SEEKERS OF HIGHER EDUCATION, THE
WARRIAH HAS COME AMONG YOU TO DISSECT THE
APOCALYPTIC DISSONANCE FOR TRUTH, THE VERY
SYMBIOTIC GRAMMAR WHICH SO BRAGGADOCIOSLY OPPOSES
THE COMPLEX BIORHYTHM OF TENACIOUS DESTRUCITY! AND
MOTE IT BE , THE VERY COMMANDMENTS WHICH OCCUPY
THE MAIRSEDOATES AND DOESYDOATES OF THE HUMAN SOUL
ARE LAY WASTE BEFORE THAT WHICH THE WARRIAH
POSSESSES!...Always
Believe."
As
the crowd sat there stunned,
Warrior suddenly noticed some tobacco
lobbyists in the crowd, and let out a loud grunt
before attacking them, and bellowing for all to
hear: "Be a Survivor ...
Donnnnnnn't Smoke!"...
At
that moment, Warrior's music began mysteriously
blaring throughout the House, and after knocking
over the podium and intensely pacing around the
stage, Warrior than leapt off said stage and
sprinted through the sea of white hair,
clotheslining every Democrat in his path, before
stopping to briefly pantomime a "press to the
heavens" motion, before disappearing out the
doors, not being heard from since.
WARRIAH!
And
thus is the tale of how Warrior single-handedly
turned the tide in the Gulf. Almost one week
later, Saddam Hussein was captured by U.S.
forces, after being driven from the hole he
was hiding in by what is reputedly described
as a "menacing make-up wearing man in his
underwear" (Not Michael Jackson). Pundits have
assumed this man was Warrior, because who else has
such an extensive knowledge of holes and hiding
spots so to make a longwinded
nonsensical entrance while
carelessly putting wrestlers lives in danger?
Or something.
The
Destrucity carries on Next
month!
Stay
tuned!
WARRIAH.
