PAPA'S GOT A
BRAND NEW BAG.
(...Or How To
Write A Completely Random Blog Entry).
Dear
God. I fear the well has completely run dry as far as shit I
can talk about goes. You know when the biggest story in
Entertainment is that Paris Hilton is having surgery to
correct her fucking lazy
eye (I had a lazy eye
once. Then I said "Mister, you either shape up or
you ship out!" ) or that Lindsay Lohan was seen
partying literally two days after allegedly having an
appendectomy and showing no visible scars or marks (Maybe
they reached up through her crotch? It's not like it's not
accessible), it's clearly time to throw your hands up in the
air and give up completely. I used to wonder why these two
imbeciles get all the press all the time, but now I realize a
sad truth: EVERYONE ELSE IS FUCKING BORING AND THESE TWO ARE
THE ONLY ONE'S WHO CAN BE COUNTED ON TO CONSISTENTLY FUCK
UP. Hell, even Tom Cruise, the spiritually re-programmed Katie
Holmes-robot and their Chinese baby are not even in the
news anymore.
Unfortunately, the only truly newsworthy
item these days is the recent passing of the 'Godfather
of Soul' James Brown, and sadly, I was about two weeks too
late getting in on that party, err, wake, err
whatever. Oh well. At least I paid my respects with the above
right picture. Heh. A brand new bag indeed. I'd start
sarcastically singing "get on up", but I fear that'd be
the icing on the already offensive cake, and would push
people over the edge.
And
speaking of offensive, when I wrote the last update,
making fun of the adopted children of Angelina Jolie and their
gravitational pull inducing noggins, I was honestly
expecting a huge influx of backlash from my female
readership, (both of them, and Mom!) but hilariously enough,
I've come to find that A LOT of women hate Angelina
Jolie, and are sick to death of hearing about her buying
strange foreign children whose heads will soon
develop their own weather system if they are to grow any
larger. Thank God for that. Because for a minute there, I
could feel my human decency coming back, and we can't have
that.
Anyway,
unless something monumentally huge happens that I just HAVE to
talk about, I think I'm gonna just take the weekend off to
relax, watch some Canadian soft core pornography on SexTV
the channel, and perhaps hunt the elderly. (What they lack in
speed, they more than make up for with their will to
live!)
However,
before I adjourn, I thought I'd just take a quick look at a
Shopzone item TWF's own James Walker showed me the other
night. It's a new Edge T-shirt:
Huh. I'm
glad to see complete and utter cluelessness isn't limited to
WWE's "great" Creative team. That's some quality grammar
there. Hooked on phonics worked for me! err "WWE"! Sadly, this
isn't the first time a wrestling shirt has had incorrect
grammar on it. A few months back there was a Randy Orton shirt
released that also featured gratuitous spelling errors. And
hell, who can forget the Taz designed T-shirts in ECW in the
late 90's? Most notably, a Sabu shirt that announced him as
being "HOMOCIDAL" in addition to suicidal and genocidal. Man.
Who knew Sabu harbored a murderous rage for the gay community?
I can just picture him hurling himself off the giant fucking
Judy Garland float at Pride 2007 and crashing through 6 or
seven dudes with frosted hair and rubber chaps. Sabu would of
course then point to the sky, skateboard a chair
into the first person dressed as Dorothy of the
Wizard of Oz he sees, then run away. It'd be a scene,
man.
Anyway, back to the Edge shirt. Other than the
"Lude" spelling error, it's really not a bad looking shirt.
Well, if you discount the fact that beneath the "R" on the
back appears to be a congealed puddle of semen. Man. That's
clearly just the thing to debunk those unfair stereotypes that
wrestling is homoerotic! And the sad thing is, ALL of Edge's
shirts seem to have this same sperm bomb effect. Apparently, when Edge turned heel, and
stole his best friend's girl, he suddenly lost all muscle
control and now uncontrollably blows his load like a fire
hose. Someone in Stamford sure as shit wasn't thinking
when this abortion hit the presses. So, as much as I'm a
huge Edge mark, I think I'll have to pass on the shirt.
If I really wanted a t-shirt stained with semen,
I'd just borrow the one you secretly keep balled up by your
bedroom nightstand with that lotion you think no one knows
about. And don't act like you don't know what I'm talking
about....
I'm
Sean.
And
hey, while you're here, be sure to check out my latest
Rasslin' Satire, "WWE Buys The History Channel!" right
HERE. Be back on Monday (maybe
sooner). 
