PAPA'S
GOT A BRAND NEW BAG.
(...Or How To Write A Completely
Random Blog Entry).
Dear
God. I fear the well has completely run dry as far
as shit I can talk about goes. You know when the
biggest story in Entertainment is that Paris
Hilton is having surgery to correct her
fucking lazy
eye (I had a lazy eye
once. Then I said "Mister, you either shape up or
you ship out!" ) or that Lindsay Lohan
was seen partying literally two days after
allegedly having an appendectomy and showing no
visible scars or marks (Maybe they reached up
through her crotch? It's not like it's not
accessible), it's clearly time to throw your hands
up in the air and give up completely. I used to
wonder why these two imbeciles get all the press
all the time, but now I realize a sad truth:
EVERYONE ELSE IS FUCKING BORING AND THESE TWO ARE
THE ONLY ONE'S WHO CAN BE COUNTED ON TO
CONSISTENTLY FUCK UP. Hell, even Tom Cruise, the
spiritually re-programmed Katie
Holmes-robot and their Chinese baby are not
even in the news anymore.
Unfortunately, the
only truly newsworthy item these days is
the recent passing of the 'Godfather of Soul'
James Brown, and sadly, I was about two weeks too
late getting in on that party, err,
wake, err whatever. Oh well. At least I paid my
respects with the above right picture. Heh. A
brand new bag indeed. I'd start
sarcastically singing "get on up", but I fear
that'd be the icing on the already offensive cake,
and would push people over the
edge.
And
speaking of offensive, when I wrote the last
update, making fun of the adopted children of
Angelina Jolie and their gravitational pull
inducing noggins, I was honestly expecting a
huge influx of backlash from my female
readership, (both of them, and Mom!) but
hilariously enough, I've come to find that A LOT
of women hate Angelina Jolie, and are sick to
death of hearing about her buying strange foreign
children whose heads will soon develop their
own weather system if they are to grow any larger.
Thank God for that. Because for a minute there, I
could feel my human decency coming back, and we
can't have that.
Anyway, unless something
monumentally huge happens that I just HAVE to talk
about, I think I'm gonna just take the weekend off
to relax, watch some Canadian soft core
pornography on SexTV the channel, and perhaps hunt
the elderly. (What they lack in speed, they more
than make up for with their will to
live!)
However, before I adjourn, I
thought I'd just take a quick look at a Shopzone
item TWF's own James Walker showed me the other
night. It's a new Edge
T-shirt:
Huh.
I'm glad to see complete and utter cluelessness
isn't limited to WWE's "great" Creative team.
That's some quality grammar there. Hooked on
phonics worked for me! err "WWE"! Sadly, this
isn't the first time a wrestling shirt has had
incorrect grammar on it. A few months back there
was a Randy Orton shirt released that also
featured gratuitous spelling errors. And hell, who
can forget the Taz designed T-shirts in ECW in the
late 90's? Most notably, a Sabu shirt that
announced him as being "HOMOCIDAL" in addition to
suicidal and genocidal. Man. Who knew Sabu
harbored a murderous rage for the gay community? I
can just picture him hurling himself off the giant
fucking Judy Garland float at Pride 2007 and
crashing through 6 or seven dudes with frosted
hair and rubber chaps. Sabu would of
course then point to the sky, skateboard
a chair into the first person dressed as
Dorothy of the Wizard of Oz he sees, then run
away. It'd be a scene, man.
Anyway, back to the Edge shirt.
Other than the "Lude" spelling error, it's really
not a bad looking shirt. Well, if you discount the
fact that beneath the "R" on the back appears to
be a congealed puddle of semen. Man. That's
clearly just the thing to debunk those unfair
stereotypes that wrestling is homoerotic! And the
sad thing is, ALL of Edge's shirts seem to have
this same sperm bomb effect. Apparently, when Edge turned
heel, and stole his best friend's girl, he
suddenly lost all muscle control and now
uncontrollably blows his load like a fire
hose. Someone in Stamford sure as shit wasn't
thinking when this abortion hit the presses.
So, as much as I'm a huge Edge mark, I think
I'll have to pass on the shirt. If I
really wanted a t-shirt stained with
semen, I'd just borrow the one you secretly keep
balled up by your bedroom nightstand with that
lotion you think no one knows about. And don't act
like you don't know what I'm talking
about....
I'm
Sean.
And
hey, while you're here, be sure to check out
my latest Rasslin' Satire, "WWE Buys The History
Channel!" right HERE. Be
back on Monday (maybe
sooner).
