|
 PASSION
OF THE CRUISE.
I came across the following in
a British Tabloid recently. It goes into how
amongst members of the church of Scientology, Tom
Cruise is thought of as being the "Christ" of
their movement. Seriously. And hey, I know there's
probably some people who are likely crying over
the "credibility" of this publication, but
those people obviously don't want to accept
the truth when it slaps them in the face; and
would much rather rely on silly inconsequential
things like "evidence" "facts" and " journalistic
integrity" before believing a completely unfounded
rumor written second-hand with no visible sources.
Bah. You can disparage these types of newspapers
all you want, mister, but don't come crying to me
when you're attacked by the terrifying
Bat
boy, and have no clue how to ward
off his ravenous cherubic assaults because you
never picked up that delightful issue. While
you're being fucking devoured, I'll be
safe, sittin' pretty, mapping my destination to
the diner the very-much-alive Elvis Presley
currently works at as a fry cook after feigning
his death in 1977. And all because I choose to
believe. It's not too late for you...
Oh,
right, we were talking about Tom Cruise being
Jesus. Here's a snippet from the source article
itself, that I'd personally name if not for the
fact that I was so drunk when I read it and thus
forgot completely. It's true. I
think.
"Tom
Cruise is the new “Christ” of Scientology,
according to leaders of the cult-like
religion.
The Mission: Impossible star has
been told he has been “chosen” to spread the word
of his faith throughout the world.
And
leader David Miscavige believes that in future,
Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his
work to raise awareness of the religion.
A
source close to the actor, who has risen to one of
the church’s top levels, said: “Tom has been told
he is Scientology’s Christ-like
figure.
“Like Christ, he’s been criticized
for his views. But future generations will realize
he was right.”
Cruise joined the Church of
Scientology in the ’80s. Leader L Ron Hubbard
claimed humans bear traces of an ancient alien
civilization."
Heh. Clearly, we need to
nail Tom's ass to some wood and see what happens.
And if not to prove his divinity, then definitely
for making that fucking Eyes Wide Shut. Dear Lord
(No pun intended), I still have nightmares about
that movie. Maybe because no one ever wanted to
attend my naked masquerades and I'm still
bitter over it. Maybe.
In any event, I
highly doubt Tom will be "worshipped like Jesus"
in the future. Last time I checked, JC didn't jump
up and down on Lazarus's sofa proclaiming his love
for Mary Magdalene, or argue with Pilate
extensively over the Roman governor's blatant
ignorance on psychology practices and the
Plebeians over-reliance on prescription drugs.
But, I'll at least give Tom Cruise the slight edge
on his choice of Disciples. As cool as the
Apostles were, and they were cool, I mean, tell me
you wouldn't want to hang with a dude who had a
friend who could turn water into wine?, (as
opposed to me who just turns wine
into...piss? Yup.) I seriously doubt Simon
Peter could cut nearly as mean a rug as John
Travolta. Although, I suspect Jesus' quote to
Peter that he'd soon trade in his nets to
"fish for
men" could also apply to Cruise's
followers as well. After all, someone's got to set
up Cruise's secret homosexual affairs~! That's
right.
All kidding aside, I have no real
issues with Scientologists, other than the fact
that I find the entire religion absurd. I mean, if
L. Ron Hubbard could not convince me that a
comically ten foot fucking John Travolta and
Forrest Whitaker were a threat to humanity in
Battlefield
Earth, good luck on selling me on a
RELIGION based on my ancestors being from an alien
civilization, relocated to earth by a giant
creature made of grey spaghetti, who in turn tied
us all to volcanoes, then set them off with
Hydrogen(!) bombs. Not even quasi-hot
Scientologists like Leah
Remini or Erika
Christensen could get my
Thetan-filled ass off the
sofa for that pack of hilarity. So, until Tom
Cruise rises from the dead or we're all raptured
up into the great beyond in a glowing beam of
green anti-gravity by our extra-terrestrial
overlords, I think I'll just stick with the real
Jesus. He at least wouldn't make Vanilla Sky. Are
you not merciful?!
I'm Sean.
...And
I actually never saw Vanilla Sky. But I just
wanted to use a Tom Cruise movie for that joke and
enjoyed "Last Samurai" and "Collateral" too much.
Whatever.
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