 PASSION OF THE
CRUISE.
I came across the following in a British
Tabloid recently. It goes into how amongst members of the
church of Scientology, Tom Cruise is thought of as being the
"Christ" of their movement. Seriously. And hey, I know there's
probably some people who are likely crying over the
"credibility" of this publication, but those people
obviously don't want to accept the truth when it slaps them in
the face; and would much rather rely on silly inconsequential
things like "evidence" "facts" and " journalistic integrity"
before believing a completely unfounded rumor written
second-hand with no visible sources. Bah. You can disparage
these types of newspapers all you want, mister, but don't come
crying to me when you're attacked by the terrifying
Bat boy, and have no clue how to ward
off his ravenous cherubic assaults because you never picked up
that delightful issue. While you're being fucking
devoured, I'll be safe, sittin' pretty, mapping my destination
to the diner the very-much-alive Elvis Presley currently works
at as a fry cook after feigning his death in 1977. And all
because I choose to believe. It's not too late for
you...
Oh, right, we were talking about Tom Cruise
being Jesus. Here's a snippet from the source article itself,
that I'd personally name if not for the fact that I was so
drunk when I read it and thus forgot completely. It's true. I
think.
"Tom Cruise is the new
“Christ” of Scientology, according to leaders of the cult-like
religion.
The Mission: Impossible star has been told he
has been “chosen” to spread the word of his faith throughout
the world.
And leader David Miscavige believes that in
future, Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work
to raise awareness of the religion.
A source close to
the actor, who has risen to one of the church’s top levels,
said: “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like
figure.
“Like Christ, he’s been criticized for his
views. But future generations will realize he was
right.”
Cruise joined the Church of Scientology in the
’80s. Leader L Ron Hubbard claimed humans bear traces of an
ancient alien civilization."
Heh. Clearly, we need
to nail Tom's ass to some wood and see what happens. And if
not to prove his divinity, then definitely for making that
fucking Eyes Wide Shut. Dear Lord (No pun intended), I still
have nightmares about that movie. Maybe because no one ever
wanted to attend my naked masquerades and I'm still
bitter over it. Maybe.
In any event, I highly doubt Tom
will be "worshipped like Jesus" in the future. Last time I
checked, JC didn't jump up and down on Lazarus's sofa
proclaiming his love for Mary Magdalene, or argue with Pilate
extensively over the Roman governor's blatant ignorance on
psychology practices and the Plebeians over-reliance on
prescription drugs. But, I'll at least give Tom Cruise the
slight edge on his choice of Disciples. As cool as the
Apostles were, and they were cool, I mean, tell me you
wouldn't want to hang with a dude who had a friend who could
turn water into wine?, (as opposed to me who just turns wine
into...piss? Yup.) I seriously doubt Simon Peter could
cut nearly as mean a rug as John Travolta. Although, I suspect
Jesus' quote to Peter that he'd soon trade in his nets to
"fish for
men" could also apply to Cruise's followers as
well. After all, someone's got to set up Cruise's secret
homosexual affairs~! That's right.
All kidding aside, I
have no real issues with Scientologists, other than the fact
that I find the entire religion absurd. I mean, if L. Ron
Hubbard could not convince me that a comically ten foot
fucking John Travolta and Forrest Whitaker were a threat to
humanity in Battlefield
Earth, good luck on selling me on a RELIGION based
on my ancestors being from an alien civilization, relocated to
earth by a giant creature made of grey spaghetti, who in turn
tied us all to volcanoes, then set them off with Hydrogen(!)
bombs. Not even quasi-hot Scientologists like
Leah
Remini or Erika
Christensen could get my Thetan-filled ass off the sofa for
that pack of hilarity. So, until Tom Cruise rises from the
dead or we're all raptured up into the great beyond in a
glowing beam of green anti-gravity by our extra-terrestrial
overlords, I think I'll just stick with the real Jesus. He at
least wouldn't make Vanilla Sky. Are you not
merciful?!
I'm Sean.
...And I
actually never saw Vanilla Sky. But I just wanted to use a Tom
Cruise movie for that joke and enjoyed "Last Samurai" and
"Collateral" too much.
Whatever.
|
