MATT HARDY'S
GUNT.
Much has been made
online of the recent weight-gain of one Matt
Hardy; a growing bulbousity that has upgraded his
system to at least V2.5. (V3 is
forthcoming.).
That said, for poor
Matt Hardy, the jokes were numerous, and the
defenses non-existent. After all, many had stated
that brother, Jeff has had no weight issues,
so what gives with Matt? An answer I always
deduced as, "It's hard to put on any weight
when you have your stomach pumped of all it's
poisons by detox doctors every night!"
That's right.
That said, I have
never bought into this cruel hyperbole and have
ALWAYS defended Matt, his amoeba pajamas, and
his unfortunate hairline against all these
wantonly cruel jokes about his rapidly expanding
waistline with FERVOR. A word I don't even know
the meaning of. When people said things like "Fat
Hardy" I said... well, nothing. That was
kind of funny. But I still didn't agree! I knew
there was a logical explanation. After all, I'd
imagine actually slapping a tornado would
work up quite the appetite. A man's gotta
eat!
But never fear,
Mfer's (not motherfuckers. Well, at least not most
of you.), Matt himself has FINALLY come onto the
scene to set the record STRAIGHT:
"Basically, in a
nutshell, my intestines were slowly tearing
through my abdomen, which affected my training
greatly, my in-ring work, and my physical
appearance."
SEE. It was his
intestines! Told you.INTESTINES. INTESTINES FILLED WITH
FOOD~! Wait. I'm sorry.
Anyway, speaking of
Matt's aforementioned "Nutshell", that brings us
to the following VISUAL
PROOF -- Proof that you may
never sleep again!
The following picture
just appeared on Matt Hardy's "WWE UNIVERSE"
page--I'm sure to the delight of the 12 year old
girls there who likely still haven't come to
terms with their own hairless
Va-jay-jays, let alone what appears to be their
soon-to-be-ex-crush, Matt Hardy's....
Dear
Christ. I guess I can scratch "Candid shot of Matt
Hardy's pubic bone" off my to-do list.
Seriously. That is the stuff
of nightmares right there. And here I thought it
would be Lita who'd have the more ravaged vagina.
Shows what I know.
So,
there you go. The proof is in the
pudding! Pudding which is slowly digesting
inside Matt Hardy's gunt, no doubt.
Oh, dear
god.
BUT WAIT.
THERE'S MORE.
This
picture is like a car wreck. I cannot help staring
at it, despite my visceral gut reaction to look
away. BUT I CANNOT. In fact, the longer I stare at
it...the more ANOTHER image comes
screaming to the forefront. An image now
burned into my collective subconscious forever! I
KNOW I've seen this same
hairless, swollen pudginess before
SOMEWHERE....
...BUT WHERE?
Oh, dear
god.
THE WATER-RETAINING
FACE OF MICHAEL COLE~!
VINTAGE
MANGINA~!
Tell
me I'm wrong.
I'm
Sean.
And believe it or not,
Michael Cole and Intestines do have at least one
thing in common--when left to their own devices,
they sure do produce a lot of shit.
P.S. I'm
not really this much of an asshole. I just play
one on the Internet.
P.P.S. New TWF site design
(umm, duh) coming sometime this weekend!
We're finally stepping into the umm, twentieth
century! So, stay tuned! Or ignore it
completely! Whatever.
