RAW
IS STAR WARS!(originally posted in May
2005)
With Lead WWE Writer Brian
Gerwirtz allegedly on the outs, Vince McMahon and
company now look to be unfortunately left
without someone to pen their flagship show: Raw is
War. But that may all
soon change...
You see, in an *EXCLUSIVE* to
The Wrestling Fan.com, our crack team (addicted to
said substance) of wrestling reporters-- led
by our man on the scene that we'll just call "Bill
Apter" for the sake of his literal identity-- have
actually discovered the identity of Gerwirtz's
replacement, through good old fashion reporting,
and of course shameless blackmail. It has been
revealed, that starting next week, GEORGE LUCAS, director of the FAMED
Star Wars films… and a couple of other movies no
one remembers, will come aboard and take over any
and all WWE writing duties after the release of
Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith!
And if you think about it,
this partnership is natural.
After all, between all the wooden acting,
nonsensical plot-holes, and complete revisionist
destruction of any and all memories we hold
dearest in our childhood, have there ever been
more natural business partners than George Lucas
& Vincent Kennedy McMahon?
With that in mind, we've
recently learned of Lucas's intentions to
remold the WWE in his own image, (bar
the unsightly neck beard) as he has
even submitted several character overhauls to WWE
creative not just limited to all in-ring romances
being built around sand and its coarseness and the
firing of Mick Foley (there's only room for one
bearded fat guy in flannel 'round these parts,
bub!). Unfortunately though, there have been
several problems thus far attempting to
implement all of these changes--
including Lucas' projected 500 million dollar WWE
budget and the fact that all shows will
now be shot on a green screen. (Animating
actual realistic charisma
and human emotion for Randy Orton
we understand will also cost WWE another
projected 200 million). WWE's solution
however is to simply increase the PPV's to 5
per day at a price of $250,000.00 per show-- in an
effort to soften the blow somewhat. (Starting next
week, we’ll see the return of "In Your House",
immediately followed by "In Your House, again",
"Still In Your House", "In Your House and probably
going to be staying over" And finally, "I might as
well just move in.")
In any event, here are several
of the other changes WWE fans have
to look forward to, complain about on message
boards, and then go on to continue to have an
MSN conversation with a woman whom will ultimately
be revealed to be a 57 year old man hoping to
molest them (don't
ask):
DARTHHH
VADER:
Vince:"The booking
committee is the gateway to many opportunities
some consider to be
unnatural...."
Hunter:
"Is it possible to learn this
power?"
Vince: "Not from the
locker
room."
Hunter: "Is it possible
to still pin them
anyway?"
Vince: "We'll
see."
With that, Hunter began his
trek to the darkside, (not his feud with
Booker T.) and soon he'd stand by Vince's
side as Dark Lord of the dressing room.
However, apparently, after
years of ingesting growth hormones and anabolics,
in addition to countless injuries, things have
unfortunately taken their toll on this once
promising hero to the IWC. (allowing Steph to ride
missionary we understand also destroyed his
respiratory system completely-- requiring
artificial means of breathing and then
strangely enunciating every syllable in a
promo) . To remedy this, Lucas has
since reconstructed Triple H completely,
transforming him from a
selfish mechanical killing machine that
feasts on hate and threatening blond guys to well,
the exact same thing really. The new suit is said
to be somewhat cumbersome and slow, however-- but
thus far, no one has really noticed the difference
in Hunter's ring style, bar his insistence of
still trying to wear trunks over a bulky
robo-codpiece.
The
cost of this procedure has unfortunately come at a
steep price: 2/3rds of the locker room--
whom we understand were
subsequently released and/or frozen in
carbonite (DartHHH still insisted on
pinning them all anyway on their last day with the
company) to pay for DartHHH's new mechanical
suit --in addition to a complicated straw
system that will still allow him to
nonsensically consume water (bottled on the Planet
Naboo) and then spit it on the audience
through his modulator. (There was also talk of
creating the industry's first-ever "Light
Sledgehammer" but that was curtailed
when DartHHH accidentally severed his own
hand when he instinctually placed it over the end
when using it.).
O-BENOIT
KENOBI
Obviously, DartHHH needed a
main rival, so whom better to lead the charge than
the man who has made Hunter tap out many times
before only to be shuffled back down to mid-card
for no reason? Umm, ignore that last
part. Besides, since Benoit didn’t mind
relocating to Atlanta by way of Edmonton, why not
just move the family to Tatooine? You know, where
the dry desert climate would at
least help Benoit’s apparent sinus issues
(and prevent anymore stars from receiving any
unwanted "farmer’s handkerchiefs.")
.
Anyway,
now assisted with the force, Benoit's repertoire
is THAT much more impressive. (namely his newly
adapted Crippler "Cross-force.") His only
vulnerability at this point seems to be his
reach with the lightsaber-- thanks to his
somewhat ill-proportioned arms. "It's a little
hard to take him seriously as a swordsman when the
saber is maybe two feet away from his chest."
said Dean Malenko who asked to remain
anonymous.
ORLANDO
CALRISSIAN:
Unfortunately for the current
U.S. Champion, he was recently left with no
gimmick when a cameraman accidentally crushed and
killed his employer JBL with a specially designed
Imperial walker meant to get unique shots from the
air. This unfortunate tragedy left
Orlando with no onscreen gimmick and really no
reason to be still employed.... or
alive... well, until George personally took
him under his wing, and rechristened Jordan
"Orlando Calrissian!" From there, it is said that
Lucas decided to fire every African American
performer on the roster; because, as in every Star
Wars movie, there is only room for one
token black guy. Makes sense to
me.
PUKE
SKYWALKER:
George Lucas has recently
cast Droz in arguably the largest role of his
career. After much deliberation, George
ultimately decided that despite vomiting
on command (an ability not seen on set since the
days of a drunken Carrie Fisher)-- and being that
he was somewhat encumbered by his wheel
chair-- that Droz would now be completely
animated by Industrial Light and magic. Probably
for the best. It's been said that Puke's patented
"Force Roll" left little to be desired... (HE WAS
THE FORCE-PUSHERMAN ALL
ALONG~!)
WOOOOODA:
Being that he is probably
only several birthdays away from the ripe old
age of 900 anyway, could there be a better Yoda
than the 16 time World Champion (discounting his
reigns in the outer rim territories...) Ric Flair?
And why not? Dude's been
effortlessly carrying giant loads for YEARS
anyway--so why not pull a starfighter out
of a bog with your mind,
too?
That said, this character is
actually expected to breathe new life into
the now rechristened "60 parsec man"-- whether
he's unleashing his patented "Figure Force"
leglock, or spouting his *brand-new* catch phrase:
"Woo, or Woo not. This is no try." And look out
for his graceful exit from the sport where he
takes three steps, faceplants, and then disappears
forever, leaving only his robe behind! Should be
something.
*Stewardesses beware when he
asks if you want to see him swing his
"lightsaber".
THE STEPH
STAR!:
One
of the conditions of George's employment was that
he find something for "Daddy's little girl"
to do. That being said, the PERFECT role has
seemingly come about. The DEATH
STAR. I mean, think about it. Stephanie has
arguably reached a size where she apparently has a
gravitational pull anyway, so why
not?
Enter the vaunted STEPH STAR,
a bulbous mass of destructive energy, that
possesses enough firepower to destroy an ENTIRE
COMPANY's storyline continuity. It is also said
that DartHHH Vader spends most of his free time
inside the Steph Star anyway, so it just
fit.
JR THE
HUTT:
Originally, Lucas had
designs on placing the long time Oklahoman
broadcaster on a slab and having one of the RAW
Divas chained to a platform, but that changed
after Christie Hemme was accidentally devoured by
the Rancor kept below the Raw stage. Instead,
Lucas opted to replace Jim Ross ALTOGETHER with
the Jabba puppet itself, insisting that Jabba
plays a much more convincing human, and is a
little easier on the
eyes.
The EWOK
Division!
Recently , Lucas was said to
hold a conference with the WWE cruiserweights and
has somehow convinced them that it'd be in their
best interests to don the furry costumes. He was
said to personally pull Rey Mysterio aside (who is
said to be THE perfect fit for the Wicket costume)
and asked him to tone down the Lucha style
offense, before suggesting that he perhaps try to
instead defeat his larger opponents using
intricately laid booby-traps like logs and
trip-wires.
Thus
far, the only complications were Paul London, who
was said to suffocate and die while in costume. On
a related note, Vince McMahon went on record
saying: "So, you say this Paul London person
actually worked here?..."
PRINCESS LEIA (lotta
guys):
Originally, George Lucas had
intentions of making Lita the "Sarlacc"; you know,
the huge gaping hole that feeds on men? It was
just natural and required no special effects.
However, he instead decided to just repackage Lita
as "Princess Leia Lotta Guys." He felt it was the
obvious choice, because after all, whom better to
lead a separatist movement, than a person who
separates their legs every chance they
get?
-Anyway,
thus far, these are the major changes expected to
be implemented in the coming weeks. Some of
Lucas's other ideas unfortunately have not come to
fruition, particularly transforming Muhammad
Hassan into "Hassan Solo." Things were said to
fall apart when the young Arab American became
infuriated when Lucas presented him with his new
ship: The Millennium Camel.
Also, Lucas was said to be
within inches of rehiring A-Train, approaching the
former Albert about being recast as a Wookiee.
Things were said to go somewhat awkwardly after
Lucas asked Train to return the Chewbacca suit he
was wearing to the prop department when he was
finished. Albert tried to explain that he hadn’t
tried it on yet, and was then seen leaving the
scene somewhat hurt.
So, in closing, I
think taking on George Lucas is a bold move
on the part of the McMahons, but what the hell?
It's not like the viewers weren't seemingly
leaving for a galaxy far, far away,
anyway....
COMING
SOON!
Word life! It's basic
Protocol! Introducing Cena-3po! He speaks over a
million intergalactic languages, but prefers the
easy flow of Ebonics!
"Rolling Thunder" has been replaced
with just plain old Rolling! It's RVD-2, laid back
Astro-Mech droid extraordinaire. The new and
improved Mr. Monday Night comes complete
with built-in retractable rubber hose for the
ultimate hotbox!
And finally, "D-Von, get
the Carbonite!" It's Bubba Fett!
All Coming Soon. Stay
Tuned!
Sean Carless is a man of many hats.
And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot.
Sean's various scribblings have been read
at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk
Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal
Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
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Carless
