R. KELLY
FOUND 'NOT GUILTY'? AWW HAIL
NAW.
TMZ reports that
nearly half of the R. Kelly trial jurors report
the ultimate deciding factor in their not-guilty
verdict was the absence of the alleged victim from
the trial. And no, the reason why she
wasn't able to make it wasn't because she
was still feverishly doing
her laundry, even though, I know it
could never be clean enough. There ain't
enough Tide on Earth, I'm telling
you.
For the record,
according to TMZ, the Jury
allegedy "absolutely believed" it was in
fact R. Kelly on the tape, but without
the victim to testify, the verdict was split. Just
like his stream. R. Kelly was then heard
saying "Holy shit! The Penile System
really does work!". Maybe. In a perfect world
filled with wonderful
puns.
That all said, man, what a
pisser. TMZ sure didn't waste any time leaking
this. They already have it streaming
everywhere. Silly, girl. Had you actually
shown up, you'd have been showered with support!
You'd have been golden! I'm telling you! But now?
All down the toilet.
Chances are, I was
hoping he was convicted just so I could use
the liner "Urine Trouble Now!" before stating that
he was indeed found guilty by a "jury of his
pee-ers", but all this "Not
Guilty" business has ruined everything;
however, I decided, fuck it, I'm doing
terrible piss jokes anyway, so sue me. But just
make sure you're using R. Kelly's jury when you
do.
I'm
Sean.
