WWE
ROYAL
RUMBLE
2004:(01/25/04)
Hey
there, Rasslin' nuts, I'm Sean Carless and welcome to the
Royal Rumble! Wrestling's most predictable Pay-per-view! And
probably the only "match" where a dude actually has a
more realistic shot if he gets a completely terrible number.
There's no love for number 30. The closest at this point
has been 27, and believe you me, that's an advantage that's
just not what it's all cracked up to be. And if you
do draw number
27, and
heaven help you (umm literally) win; well, I hope you got
your ass a dark suit in your closet, because you
just might need it....
We are LIVE from Philadelphia! The city of brotherly
love! I always figured that'd be a better catchphrase for say
the Ozarks, seeing how there's a serious shortage of women up
in them there hills, and you make due with what you got. But hey,
whatever.
Onto the
show~!
Earlier on
(no) HEAT, Victoria beat Molly Holly in a non-title match,
with a particularly devastating Widow's peak, that saw Molly
land hard on her knees. I could make a tasteless joke
about Molly on her knees, but she's a PROUD VIRGIN, so
honestly, the only experience she has in that position is
tying her shoes. Oh well.
(C) Ric Flair & Batista vs. The
Dudley Boyz; World Tag team Titles: TABLES
MATCH.
This was
your official opener here, and before the match, Batista got
on the stick and went for some cheap heat by insulting the
Eagles. Heh. It's just a shame North Carolina already has an
NFL team, because I was hoping there'd be a chance that Flair
would get himself a franchise. Who couldn't get behind the
Carolina Saggyskins? I know I would.
Anyhoo,
the story behind this one is that Flair & Pseudo Sid
here surprised the Dudley's last month in a gauntlet
match, and STOLE the titles... eventually leading
to Evolution ending up with all the titles ala the
Horsemen in 1988... which is what they're so obviously
patterned after. In fact, I heard they were going to
actually call themselves the Horsemen, but Batista took
it a little literally and figured that'd mean HHH would
shoot him with a shotgun and put him out of his misery because
he keeps getting injured all the fucking time. And maybe
that's for the best. I don't want to see Batista end up as
glue anyway. Besides, I heard that it can't ever work, no
matter many times it's used...
Glad we
cleared that up.
With that
said, this match was BEYOND terrible. In fact, I'm pretty sure
the only thing more wooden than the tables here would
be Batista himself, who worked this match like the
Tin-man trying to walk through quick sand. Dudleys isolate
Flair for most of the match, double teaming him, but for some
reason COACH runs in, and distracts Bubba long enough for
Batista to simply spinebuster D-Von through the tables for the
win. Yup.
Winners
and STILL World Tag team Champions: Ric Flair & Batista.
Finally, Big Dave gets revenge on D-Von for that whole "Deacon
Batista" phase. I always wondered what kind of Christian
Church would allow a guy with a sleeveless suit who
called himself "THE DEMON OF THE DEEP" to carry around their
collection plate. I doubt that shit would fly. No wonder
Reverend D-Von's ministries went under so
fast.
/5
-After the
match, Coach catches a quick word with the Champs. Ric Flair
yells that he told The Dudley's someone was going to get put
through a table tonight. Umm, obviously. That's kinda the
whole point of the match there, Naitch. That'd be like
someone saying after the Tour De France "I told you someone
would ride a bicycle here tonight!"
-Backstage, John Cena is interviewed. He says to "bet
on the kid who pumps up his shoes" to take the Rumble tonight.
What, that annoying little black kid who lives next door to
me? Why the fuck is he in the Rumble? Oh. Anyway,
he is then interrupted
by Rob Van Dam. Cena says that Rob's been talking to Mary
Jane. Wait. He was talking to Spiderman's girlfriend? Holy
shit. I knew RVD owned a comic store and everything, but I
didn't know he was in that good! Oh, he meant. Umm, never
mind....
(C) Rey
Mysterio vs. Jamie Noble w/ Nidia w/ THE
BLINDNESS.
Umm, ya.
Nidia is still blind here. Who knew that getting koolaid spit
in your face caused you to lose your sight forever. No wonder
everyone died after that cult leader made them drink it. THAT
SHIT IS LETHAL. Oh yeahhhhhhhh!
This was a solid match, but much like the first, it
felt too much like a TV match; and the fact it barely eclipsed
three minutes is a testament to that. After a lot of back and
forth, Noble looks for the Tiger Driver (a hold invented by
Siegfried & Roy, I hear. No wonder Roy got
mauled! It was just a matter of time before the tiger's got
sick of taking all those finishers!) but Rey countered out;
and as Noble bounced to the ropes, Blind Nidia gets involved, tripping up Noble
by *accident*. Damn you, Nidia! This just
proves once and for all that you can never trust a blind
person. I mean, look at that Stevie Wonder. His eyes are all
shifty all the time. You can just tell he's up to something!
Oh, that's a lack of muscle control brought on by perpetual
blindness? My bad.
Anyway, this allows Rey-Rey to finish with
a 619 and a dropping of the dime. Paul Heyman then runs out
and puts it in his pocket.
Winner and
STILL champion: Rey Mysterio, thanks to an assist from Blind
Nidia. I guess she figured that if you're going to
be blind, who better to associate yourself with than a
dude with WHITE FUCKING PUPILS... who irregardless
can still see. Perhaps Rey will share his secret
with her?
/5
Eddie
Guerrero vs. Chavo Guerrero w/o Junior w/ Chavo w/ Senior.
Confused yet?
The end of
Los Guerreros. No more lying, cheating and stealing. Ah, what
a shame. Who'd ever think a relationship built entirely on
indulgences and being a really horrible person could go
so wrong? What a head scratcher.
Chavo is of course accompanied to the ring by his
father, Chavo Sr., and he still isn't called
Chavo jr. How many Chavos have to be out there before
he gets called that? Anyway, this match was clearly worked under WWE's new mantra of
mat-based psychology, and it told the story that Eddie was
staying in control of his emotions and grinding Chavo down
through wrestling instead of brawling. Chavo senior ends up
getting a cheap shot off on Eddie, as the crowd begins
chanting "Chavo sucks". Which one? There's two out
there! Cole then notes that "Chavo" deserves the
chants... if you know what he means. No, I don't know
what you mean, Michael. Are you outting Chavo? What the fuck
is going on here? Anyway, Chavo, steals a page out of Eddie's
book, (I hope it's not that chapter on him falling asleep in
the shower, with Bradshaw backstage, who knows what could
happen!) and starts the triple verticals, but Eddie blocks on
the third. Chavo then tries to finish with his tornado DDT,
which contrary to popular belief is completely useless on
tropical storms, but Eddie counters out again, hits his own
triple vertical suplexes, goes upstairs and squashes Chavo
with the frogsplash to pick up the win. Good, but really short
match.
Winner:
Eddie Guerrero, who celebrates his win by "snapping"
and beating the ever loving shit out of his brother and
nephew. Cole and Tazz cry over the fact that this appears to
be the end of wrestling's greatest family. However, there's
some dead Germans down in Texas, and bitter Canadians up in
Alberta that might disagree with that statement. Ok, the Von
Erich's aren't really saying anything. If they
were, that'd mean they'd still be alive... and
probably wondering what they were doing in a
fucking box right now. Poor
bastards.
-
Backstage, Chris Benoit is interviewed by Josh Matthews on his
#1 draw, when Flair, Batista & Orton interrupt. Flair
puts over Benoit as a great wrestler, but rubs it in that he
can't win "the big one". My theory on that has always been
that the company always wanted to put the belt on
him, but since he's physically unable to reach behind his
back with his arms to fasten the strap, it was just
awkward for everyone. Ah, I kid ya, Chris. I love
ya.
-Video
package for Bob Holly vs. Brock Lesnar. You know what's worse
than having to sit through a match you have no urges to ever
fucking watch? Listening to a detailed 5 minute chronicle
of that match. Dear god.
(C)
Brock Lesnar vs. Bob Holly: WWE
TITLE.
Thankfully, the only "Title" Holly earned
tonight was "worst lame duck world title challenger ever",
having ended The Patriot's amazing near seven year reign.
Congratulations, Sparky! But seriously, has there even been a
less credible challenger than Bob Holly? Man, the endings to
Titanic and fucking Pearl Harbor were probably more in
question than the result of this fucking match. But hey, who
knows? Maybe this would FINALLY be the night that
Bob Holly would find that same reserve he had when he
lost 13,000 straight matches over the last decade, and pull it
off? After all, if you can go toe to toe and *almost* pull out
the "w" against a legend like the Goon,
what's besting 300 lbs. dominant Collegiate
champion? That's right.
The
story here is that Holly would rather "break Lesnar's neck"
than win the Title, but since it is Sparky Plugg, the story
means nothing. After all, if you were SO ANGRY that
you really wanted to end someone's livelihood, would you
do so with a FUCKING DROPKICK? Not that Lesnar was any better
here. For a guy so terrified of a dude whose career highlights
include knowing the location of every strobe light on every
ceiling in every arena across the country, he opts to STOP
THIS BY GAWD TERROR with a... BEAR HUG? Seriously. "I HATE YOU
SO MUCH FOR STALKING AND PLAGUING ME WITH YOUR
UNRELENTING REVENGE THAT I SHALL WRAP MY ARMS AROUND YOU
FOR 3 STRAIGHT MINUTES DOING NOTHING, SO I MAY CATCH
MY BREATH! FEEL MY WRATH!" Yup. Anyway, Holly eventually hits
an Alabama Slam, but opts to instead snare a full nelson
rather the cover; but Lesnar, a 300 pound guy, ROLLS TO THE
FLOOR IN TERROR... from a 230 pound guy. Seriously. Maybe
Holly should have given him a purple nurple. He'd have tapped
out 5 minutes ago. Anyway, Holly doesn't let go of the hold,
but once he does, he rolls back in, probably trying to
remember just what he has left in his arsenal, now
that he's unleashed the plague of horrors that is a standing
dropkick. Lesnar then gets back up on the apron, so Holly
applies a 2ND Full Nelson, but Lesnar counters out by dropping
out of the ring to the floor, which snaps Holly's neck against
the ropes. Lesnar then slips in and hits a quick F-5 to end
the misery. Poor Bob Holly. Maybe he should have just jumped
into his stock car and ran over Brock? That way he'd have
bought himself a few more minutes until Lesnar just beat him
anyway.
Winner
& STILL Champion: Brock Lesnar. Who knows what jobber will
come out of the wood work next looking for payback. Maybe
we'll find out this coming Thursday night that Brock once
really hurt Barry Horowitz's feelings in early 2000, and
we'll get another REALLY AWESOME 3 month feud! I'm
stoked!
/5
(C) HHH vs. HBK;
World Heavyweight Title match; Last Man Standing.
Hey, I
think we have found the answer to why every match
preceding this has only been given like 5 minutes. Either
that, or tonight will introduce the first ever "20 minute
intervals" between Rumble entries. And sadly, if that is the
case, Benoit will only weigh 45 pounds by match's
end if he does pull it off. But regardless I guess
someone decided the rest of the card would take a
back seat to Triple H's big title defense here. Man, who's
this guy fucking? Oh.
They
should of changed the name of this match to "No man Standing"
because the ending ruined what was to that point a fantastic
match. And speaking of matches, do you remember when this was
considered a dream match? Me too. But that was 300
matches ago. I think by this point, HBK has spent more time on
top of HHH then he has his wife Rebecca. Dear
lord.
Anyway, HBK & HHH continue to be a master of
ring psychology, and as the match progressed, they continued
to draw fans into the story. One big spot saw HBK
attempt an Asai moonsault to the outside, but
HHH moves and Michaels flies into the Spanish Announce table.
I could point out that it is kind of foolish to use a move
that could potentially knock YOURSELF unconscious in a match that can only be
won by , umm, knocking your opponent unconscious, but umm, I
kinda just did. But seriously. That'd be like stopping a
robbery attempt by pointing a gun at your own chest and
pulling the trigger, hoping that it passes clean through
and takes out the assailant. Or maybe I'm just putting too
much thought into this....
Anyway,
HHH takes advantage and batters HBK on the floor, and HBK is
BLEEDING, and bleeding something fierce. Man, this guy bleeds
A LOT. And it's always from the head, so you can rule out
Stigmata. Oh well. Anyway, lot's more near ten counts from
there (too many to count, plus, I umm, don't want to? Yup.)
but eventually, HHH pastes HBK with a chair, and that looks to
be all, but Michaels STILL gets up.
Eventually, HHH tries for a pedigree but HBK
back drops out and HHH lands on the chair. HBK goes into his
full offensive flurry from there; the forearm, the kip-up, and
the flying elbow. He then begins to menacingly stomp his foot,
as I start to wonder why the fuck no one ever seems to know
what that pounding means. "Wait. What is that thumping sound?
There it is again! and again! and again! and again! What could
this be? Well, let's turn around at find out! Wait it's a
su...BLARRRRRRRRGGGGH". You get the idea. HHH however, avoids
the kick, and goes low. From there, Michaels recovers and gets
a sleeper, before dropping HHH and demanding a count. He gets
8, before HHH staggers to his feet. HHH then comes back with a
big DDT soon after, but HBK is up at 8. Both men then collapse
on one another, and the ref counts both, but they're
collectively up at 9. Just then, Trips hits THE NUCLEAR
PEDIGREE~!, but it doesn't finish HBK, who's up at 9, because
Kliq members, and ONLY kliq members possess the secret to
surviving it's life obliterating fallout. Just ask Booker
T. It took a team of scientists to reanimate him from his one
at WM 19...
Anyway,
Triple H, then walks right into some sweet chin music, and is
down in out, but Michaels, collapses as well, as the effects
of nuclear pedigree have finally caught up with him
apparently. They always say the radiation gets you after a
blast. I guess they were right. The referee starts his count
and BOTH men get counted out, which didn't please the crowd to
say the least.
Winner: No
one! Everyone! Both! Neither! DRAW! Even-steven!
Stalemate! Impasse! Tie! Deadlock! Dead heat!... and I've
kinda run out of thesaurus words for NO ONE WANTED TO DO
A FUCKING JOB HERE. That's right. The problem when you
book two guys who don't ever fucking lose is,
well, someone kinda has to lose. What a predicament.
So, they just dusted off the old
Rock/Foley St. Valentine's Day Massacre finish, and
knocked each other out. Man, I wonder if this
also happens in other games between these two friends. I can
just imagine a spirited game of chess between them, with
each about to have checkmate, when suddenly, they just
look at each other and keel over simultaneously. Stephanie
then runs out, clears the board quickly, calls it a
draw; they wake up, pin Rob Van Dam, and everybody's
happy! Good stuff.
- Eric
Bischoff comes out and buries Philadelphia and Rival-GM, Paul
Heyman. Heyman then comes out to a lukewarm response
surprisingly, and the two begin to brawl. This of course
brings out "Sheriff" Stone Cold Steve Austin, riding in his
scooter o' justice. And by his display here, I think it's
pretty safe to say, this particular "Sheriff" is no
hurry to enforce those pesky drinking and driving
laws. Someone's gonna be MAAD as hell!
Anyway, I
don't think I need to tell you what happens next. But I will
anyway. Stunners for both men. Actually, a stunner for
Bischoff. Then he drank a beer with Heyman,
then remembered Heyman forgot to sign his name on his one
ECW pay-check in 1995, so he stunned him too. Huh.
If one was a conspiracy theorist, one could say that this was
a subtle burial of WCW and ECW with WWE's biggest
star obliterating both. But hey, the alternative is Vince
restarting one of the companies, and running it into the
ground just because he can. I guess we should be happy he
hasn't ever thought of that.
[Sean's
note from 2007: Dear Lord...
].
-Terri
Runnels and her perpetually hard nipples since 1996
interviews Goldberg. Lesnar then enters and makes light of
Bill for no longer having the World Title since they last met.
Goldberg then says he's going to take the Rumble tonight, and
says "ain't that right, Hardcore?" which spooks Lesnar...
because umm, the prospect of having to defeat
a fledgling midcarder in under 6 minutes
again has him completely terrified? Brock then says
"You, got me this time, Bill. But I'll have the last
laugh. Ain't that right, JERRY FLYNN?" and Goldberg,
completely stunned, yells out "Jerry Flynn?! I thought I
had seen the last of you when we wrestled 74
straight times on Thunder! Dear God, it's happening
again!". Ok, the last part of this exchange never really
happened. But damn it, it should have. This
impending rivalry clearly needs more
panic-inducing jobbers.
Clearly.
ROYAL
RUMBLE
IT IS NOW
TIME FOR THE ROYAL RUMBLE~! Rules: 30 men. 29 go. One dude
remains. He gets a Title shot. If only the ring announcer
could learn from my sweet, sweet brevity here. I think the
fucking tedious explanation of the rules here is the
real reason we're only getting 90 second
intervals.
#1
is.... Chris Benoit! Chris Benoit is here and he's really
mad! Chris Benoit is here and he's really Ang-ry! Admittedly,
this sounds better with kazoos. #2 is Randy Orton, the Legend Killer! Man,
Christmas with his Dad and grandfather must have been real
awkward this year. You never know
when Randy might get the sudden urge to
murder them by virtue of their status in the business.
Yup. #3 is Mark Henry, the only man in the world whose pecs
stretch around his entire body. #4 is Tajiri! The Japanese
Buzzsaw! I ordered one of those on an Infomercial the other
night, but had to return it, because it kept inexplicably
spraying me in the face every time I used it.
No one's
been eliminated yet. #5 is Bradshaw of the APA, which if
you've seen their shirts, now stands for "Always Pounding
Ass". Man, that joke's too easy even for me. Bradshaw however
doesn't stick around too long and is eliminated by Benoit
before the next buzzer even went off. Weird. That doesn't bode
too well for him [Sean's note from 2007: Umm, ya. He only got
the longest WWE Title reign in 9 years just 3 months
later... Shows what I know...].
#6 is
Rhyno, living proof that "F" wasn't the only letter to "get
out" in WWE. "i" was also a casualty. Tajiri stupidly
tries to put the Tarantula on Mark Henry. Ya, hanging upside
down out of the ring is the best strategy in this match.
Tajiri ultimately pays for that by being dumped out by both
Henry and Rhyno. Mark Henry goes out next at the hands of
Benoit, after apparently being misted by Tajiri, which if
Nidia is any indicator, means that he's now
completely blind. Oh noes! Now he'll be useless as a
wrestler! *Ahem*.
#7 is Matt
Hardy, Version 1. #8, is Scott Steiner!... fresh from guarding
the sacred chalice of Christ as his part time job of Knight
Templar! #9 is Matt Morgan, big and strong, but just not the
same since his partner Nathan Jones took his umm, milk,
and went home. Too bad, too. I was hoping Morgan could get
himself a baker gimmick just so we could call their team "Milk
& Cookies". Hell, Stacy KEIBLER could be their manager!
This shit writes itself. #10 is The Hurricane, and the
S.H.I.T. is on!..unfortunately he's tossed not even a minute
later by Matt Morgan. "Stand Back!..So I can, umm, land safely
on the floor without threat of injury!". Heh. Doesn't quite
have the same ring.
#11 is
Booker T. who goes right after Scott Steiner. A worm hole (not
Scotty 2 Hotty's ass) then opens up and sends them back to
March of 2001! Strange! Kane comes in at #12. Scott
Steiner is dumped out by Booker. Holla, so he can hear you!
He's getting kind of old now so you'll need to speak up! Kane
destroys everyone in the ring. Undertaker's gong then goes
off, and Kane freaks out. He gets dumped out by Booker T, soon
after. #13 is Spike Dudley, who unfortunately never makes it
to the ring, and gets obliterated by Kane. Hey, didn't this
poor bastard just get off injury reserve? Man, that'd be
like finding out you beat cancer, only to step off the curb
and get mowed down by a fucking bus.
#14 is
Rikishi. With all the hot women on this roster, it's Rikishi
who has the real breasts and shows the most skin. That's
thought provoking and completely terrifying. Benoit dumps out
his Brother in arms (as in completely not proportioned) Rhyno.
#15 is Rene Dupree, the wrestling sun-dial! Lay him flat on
his back outside and you can tell what time it
is!
Dupree and his erection dropkick Matt Hardy out. It's
at this point I think one of those Internet Explorer "error"
screens should pop up in honor of V1. Of course, that's just
me. Rikishi then eliminates Dupree during his
dance. #16 is A-Train, the man who has the world
convinced that NYC's public transit system could use a good
shave. Take a taxi! They've had a Brazilian! Morgan goes out
by Benoit, and Orton dumps both Rikishi and Booker T, soon
after. #17 is
Shelton Benjamin. A-Train mysteriously disappears during
Shelton's intro. My theory is someone threw a bucket of Nair
on him and he dissolved like the wicked Witch in Wizard
of Oz. Shelton goes out in like 35 seconds from
there by Orton. World's greatest Tag team. World's Worst
Battle Royal entrant, apparently. This just leaves Orton &
Benoit, numbers 1 & 2 (not piss & shit) alone
again.
#18 is
"The Cat" Ernest Miller. He gets dumped out in
almost record time. I'd say "someone call his Mama", but
she's disowned his ass after that performance. #19 is Kurt
Angle, a man whose probably kicking himself for having ever
taken Scott Hall's advice on a neck surgeon. Knowing where to
accost and sexually assault elderly women? Scott's your
man. Everything else? Not so much. #20 is Rico, Former Las
Vegas Police Officer and current latent homosexual. I'd hate
to be thrown into the drunk tank at his Police Station. You'd
have to wear a pair of pants with a hemorrhoid cushion
sewn into the ass. Oh, he lasts about as long as it took
me to write that joke, as Orton sent him up and
over. Test was to be #21, but he's laying unconscious on
the floor. Austin is then seen telling someone to get their
ass out there. And it's MICK FOLEY~! Holy shit. Mark out time.
Foley comes in like a psycho and goes after Orton! Cactus
clothesline takes both he and Orton out. Fucking
Awesome.
#22 is Christian. #23 is Nunzio, the last remaining
F.B.I. member, as Chuck Palumbo and Johnny The Bull have
apparently been put into the witness protection where NO ONE
will find them, or "OVW' as it's more commonly referred
to. Foley & Orton are brawling on the floor and Nunzio
gets Mr. Socko because he's in the wrong place at the
wrong time. # 24 is Big Show, fresh from whipping himself up
some dinner in his hands backstage. #25 is Chris Jericho. #26
is Charlie Haas. Christian gets eliminated by Chris Jericho.
First he gets rejected by a woman for equating her worth to a
dollar and now this. Is there no sense or justice? #27 is BILLY GUNN. Billy Gunn has
drawn NUMBER
27! If there was ever a time to pull for
Billy to win this thing, it's now! Or, maybe I just have my
own selfish reasons for
that.....
#28 is John Cena, complete with new marketing friendly
Word life knux! Knowing WWE, they'll market this poor
motherfucker to the point where we all turn on him.
What's next ,a fucking blinged out Championship belt? [Sean's
note from 2007: ..... ] # 29 is old Mr. Potato Hands himself, Rob Van Dam, and
# 30 is homeless Bill Goldberg, who was just reactivated
last week according to JR. (Wait. Reactivated? I KNEW HE WAS A
ROBOT. The promos gave it away!). Goldberg eliminates Nunzio
and Charlie Haas in short order. He then goes after Big Show,
but Brock Lesnar runs in and ambushes him from behind with the
F-5! Kurt Angle then dumps out Goldberg, who'll now head back
to the Island he and Tom Hanks were stranded on for the last
month. (Jesus, Bill. Is a fucking shave really asking too
much?)
From
there, everyone left in the ring (Jericho, Cena, RVD, Angle,
Benoit) try to pitch out Show, who does all the
Andre tributes (except the dying part), but to
no avail. The irony here was that it was all the IWC
favorites teaming up to try and eliminate the hated "Hoss"...
and the Hoss still prevails. DID I MENTION HIS HANDS ARE LIKE
SKILLETS? Show then dumps out RVD, then Cena, who
looks to tweak his knee on the way out. Clearly, the best way
to have eliminated Show from this thing would be to dump a
Little Debbie's snack cake on the arena floor, and when he
bent over the ropes to pick it up, everyone could have just
tipped him out. These guys need me out
there~!
Anyway, your final 4 (8 if you count
Show) are Jericho, Angle, Benoit and of course
Big Show... for whom WWE never did tell us just
exactly what that "show" exactly was. I hope for our
sakes it's not Puppetry of the Penis. I wouldn't wish that fate on anyone. Big Show
continues to rampage, dumping out Jericho, then Angle who
tried an ankle lock (cankle-lock?) on the big man, but he just
propelled him out. This just leaves Benoit and Show and one of
these men is going to Wrestlemania!... while the other will
likely make his FIRST EVER U.S. heavyweight title defense! You
know, despite having the belt for OVER 4 MONTHS.
Dear lord. Benoit and Big Show then circle each other as the
crowd comes alive, knowing the end is near. It's at this
point, I start to worry for Chris because I'm
convinced Show once overheard Nash refer to Benoit
as a "Vanilla midget" in WCW, and he now thinks he was
literally made of fudge and will try to consume him by match's
end. Of course, by this point, I'm completely drunk off my
rocker so don't listen to
me.
Big Show dominates Benoit, but Chris gets a
defensive front face lock. Show then drops him on the apron, but Benoit keeps
his grip. Benoit then slowly starts choking Show out, and
repositioning his own body under the ropes to give himself
more leverage. Finally, after a titanic struggle, Show teeters
out, and Benoit pulls him to the floor to win the
match! Chris Benoit is going to Wrestlemania!
Fantastic
Rumble, my ridiculousness aside.
Winner:
Chris Benoit! Who'll finally headline Wrestlemania!... while
hopefully not ending up under the heaving body of The Game.
Because it seems, these days, the only person who
gets to lay on top of Hunter for more than two
seconds is Steph; so I'm not holding my breath... but I
am keeping my fingers crossed. Now where did I put that
kazoo?
End
Show.
FINAL
THOUGHTS: This pay-per-view was the equalivalent of a
dying man suddenly resuscitated . It looked like things were
curtains half way through, but thanks to two spirited matches,
the corpse of this show quickly re-animated and came out
stronger than it did before. Still though, there's really no
excuse for a fucking THREE MINUTE match on a show I'm
paying forty dollars of my not hard earned money for (fun
fact: I cheat the government!) . However, the Rumble was
so good, that by night's end, I completely forgot
about how disappointingly short the undercard was.
So, TWO
THUMBS OF UPPERY from this sarcastic motherfucker
overall.
