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SIX
MORE WEEKS OF BULLSHIT.
Happy February! But a bit of bad news
for wrestling fans. Turns out Stephanie McMahon
saw her shadow today (but still not her
feet), so it looks like we get six more weeks of
shitty storylines. Yup. I always wanted to use
that Groundhog Day joke, but never had the
opportunity. Now I'm wondering why I ever
did...
Anyhoo, I got nothing but a big bag of
randomness for you today. Because A) I'm tired and
burned out from basically running the fucking
creative gamut of wrestling satires/columns/pics
in the last week, not limited to a brand new
Back-Leg Frontkick, Full coverage of The
Royal Rumble and
finally my usual photoshoppery contributions to
Wrestlecrap and the Gimmick Table. And B) There's
just not anything interesting going on in the
world that doesn't involve Paris Hilton's stupid
fucking locker being auctioned off and a slew of
personal items, nude videos of
her bathing and licking cocaine off random
dudes (seriously) being bought, and then posted on
a website called Parisexposed.com. In fact, it was
so disturbing, repugnant, horrible, and
unappealing I could barely bring myself to
repeatedly watch it all. It's true. I may
have to masturbate to it, but I don't have to like
it, damn it! Ok then.
So, with that said, let's get into
things:
Apparently, Victoria "Posh Spice"
Beckham, of Spice Girls, umm, "fame", now fancies
herself a fashion designer. And the best part?
She's apparently banning all undersized models
from her runways. Now, normally, I'd think this
would be noble, until you consider the fact that
Posh herself is 80 fucking pounds, has a head that
looks like it's been boiled in a
witch-doctor's cauldron to the point where her
face now resembles that of a fucking Communion Alien, and has lost so much weight
hereself that she now sports the most
noticeable, terrible boob-job in the history
of the planet (The Spice rack as I call them). The
latter of which likely done just so people
could still get an inkling that,
yes, she's in fact a woman, and not the
corpse of a 13 year old boy. And
she's the one taking a stand
against anorexia? Jesus. That'd be like Mike
Tyson teaching a rape crisis seminar, or Jake
Roberts being your AA sponsor. My theory is
that she's only hiring larger models so any and
all food will be eradicated completely, so
she herself won't be tempted to actually fucking
eat something. But hey, don't take my word for it.
Here's an obviously altered photo of
Beckham, followed by how she TRULY looks when
the cameras aren't rolling....
 Man, no wonder David Beckham married
her! Now if only he'd get the urge to kick her
really hard.
Nerd alert! Apparently, the actual
robe worn by Alec "Obi-Wan Kenobi" Guinness
in Episode 4 is up for
auction. And I'd be
lying if I said I didn't want to own it. I'm
completely fucking ridiculous like that. In fact,
If I owned it, I'm not ashamed to admit that I'd
never take it off. And more so than that, I'm
afraid I'd feel compelled to dispense many
"Obisms" in public, just because. Like approaching
a random fat person on the street for
example, and yelling out "THAT'S NO
MOON." And of course, I would very
much incorporate it into all my
relationships with women. For instance, when I
met her parents, I'd cause all kinds of
awkwardness by proclaiming their home "a
wretched hive of scum and villainy".
And eventually, when it came time to
break up with the young lass, I'd wave my
hand in front of her face, and say "I'm not the
boyfriend you're looking for"... then when that
doesn't work, I'll try "If you strike me
down, I will become more powerful than you can
possibly imagine!". And once
she stops laughing, and I'm done picking up
my clothes from the front lawn, me, and Obi robe
will hit the town in search of new tail, or die
trying (or just disappear into thin air becoming
one with the Living Force, leaving only Obi-robe
behind in a tragic heap. Either/or.).
And speaking of Star Wars and my
infinite nerdom, I'm probably just about the only
guy on earth who would have wanted to own this
toy:
Fun for the whole Family!
Dateline's popular feature "To
Catch A Predator"
returned to TV this past Tuesday. Thanks to the
program, close to 80 Predators were captured last
year. That's fantastic. And I'm
truly impressed. 80? Man, that's pretty
incredible when you consider that they only come
to earth every 12 years, and they can bend light
and become invisible. I guess we can count
ourselves lucky that they didn't set off their
nuclear self-destruct buttons when they were
apprehended. Oh. They meant sexual
predators. Boy, do I feel foolish. Huh.
Well, that's cool, too, I guess. Is it too much to
think these predators captured their victims
in huge nets that launched them high into
trees, too? Guess so.
Courtney Love has come forward
claiming that due to Paula Abdul's recent drunken
behavior, she was asked to replace her as a judge
on American Idol. Clearly, this HAS to be true. I
mean, when you want a beacon of class and clean
living, who else would you call? Oh, that's right.
ANYBODY. Anyway, the show's producer (?) has since
debunked her claims, saying they have no plans to
replace anyone on the show. Well that's a relief.
I for one need to see Courtney on American
Idol like I need a hole in the head. Which I
understand in her case, can be arranged. Never
mind.
 Tyra
Banks,host of America's next Heroin addict
Top Model, and a namesake TV talk
show, is FUMING mad, because the media has
insinuated that she's become fat and made
some crass jokes at her expense. It all stemmed
from a tabloid photo that showed the former
Victoria's Secret model in a very unflattering
angle that made her appear to be overweight. So,
she did what any self-respecting woman
intent on sending a message of positive body image
to impressionable young girls out there would do:
she ignored the
criticisms hosted her show in a
bathing suit, to hammer home the fact, that yes,
she's still more attractive then
you could ever be. Nice. Man, in
her current frame of mind, someone
should once again proclaim that her
breasts are fake. I'd really look forward to
seeing how she'd handle that one (With my Tivo
ready).
What's new
Puffyface, oh, oh, oh, uh oh oh. Apparently aged crooner Tom Jones
has been told that if he has anymore
plastic surgery
his face may collapse. I don't really have
anything else to add, and just wanted to use that
Puffyface joke. Dear God, Jones face looks
like it's retaining more water than the fucking
Hoover dam. If the Earth is indeed in as bad
shape as Al Gore says, at least we can tap his
face for a fresh water source. We'll buy ourselves
at least another hundred years.
Former Boxing
Heavyweight Champion, "Iron" Mike Tyson has
checked himself into rehab for drug and/or alcohol
abuse. And the best part? Apparently, it's
the same Rehab center that is currently
housing Lindsay Lohan! Man, if there was ever a
time to make sure you were wearing your underwear!
(ear muffs might be a good idea, too).
Do you
have your Armor of God PJ's? GUARANTEED
to ward off all unholy entities, demons, and
dark spiritual forces, but not Michael Jackson. Go
figure.
I'm Sean.
And next time, I
hope to have some actual interesting stuff to talk
about.
And by the
way, don't forget to pick up your Unrated
copy of The Marine (not this).
Same terrible story, more shit blowing up! What
more could you want? Quality? Bah!
*Special
thanks to TWF reader Frank for sending me the
Orton Marine pic. Credit for other pics
go to their respective owners/creators.
Except Sticktoria Beckham. That's all me
baby.
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