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You know, if there’s
one thing I’ve learned in my two decade plus
tenure as a wrestling fan, it’s that you
probably have a better chance of getting hit by
lightning then seeing a good movie starring a
pro wrestler. And who knows why that is? Maybe
it’s dealing with pesky unfamiliar issues thrust
upon them like ‘credible writing’ and ‘storyline
continuity’ that throws them off their game's?
Who knows? However, what I do know is, when
someone like Hulk Hogan can convince me that he
could carry some 20,000 people in the Trump
Plaza to safety from an apocalyptic
flood on his “barn door back”, yet, not be
able to make me buy that he was an
Intergalactic Bounty Hunter, something is
definitely wrong. Maybe the two worlds were
never meant to mix? It certainly couldn’t be The
Hulkster himself. He clearly has
talent. You can’t just pretend to bodyslam
morbidly obese people like
that...
Anyway, this takes us
to today, and WWE Films; the latest Vince
McMahon foray into non-wrestling ventures, that
of course eventually crash and burn because as
much as he desperately wants to carve a new
niche, somehow wrestling always seeps its
way in. And for whatever reason, the Average Joe
just can’t seem to appreciate the nuances of
necrophilia, exploiting women, and terrible
nonsensical writing in their chosen form of
sports or Entertainment. Go
figure.
YET, here
we are again. Vince continues to plug
on, manufacturing films for his wrestlers, like
John Cena in The Marine; which in all likelihood
will last about as long in Theatres as I would
in coital passion with any of the WWE Divas.
(which would be some 15 seconds for the
record). And of course from there, I look
for The Marine to take it’s rightful place
in a dusty video store, sandwiched somewhere for
eternity amongst Howie Long’s Firestorm and
the countless “Shannon Tweed gets boned by her
night watchmen" soft-core jerk-fests, to which
I’m somewhat ashamed to admit that I’ve
seen most of (or at least 15 minutes each
;).
Seriously though, I hope that’s not
actually the case. I want to see WWE succeed in
movies, but I just don’t know, even as kitschy
as I am, if even I will plunk down 8
dollars to watch John Cena utilize the
unstoppable power of Hip-hop to single-handedly
obliterate foreign terrorism. (He’s got three
moves, and ONE gun! Something’s gotta give!).
But hey, maybe you will. So all the power to
them.
Anyhoo, this takes us to the
subject at hand and probable fate of the Marine:
WWE STRAIGHT TO DVDs. A look at *possible*
future straight-to-rental movie vehicles for the
WWE Superstars! And sure, some people will
likely say “I see right through you, Sean! This
is just another easy update, so you can just
make a few pictures, and make fun of some people
without really putting a hell of a lot effort
into anything.” And to you I say, “Shhhhh.
You’re ruining it for
everybody!”
So, with that said, let’s get to
those features, that I’m sure, someday,
someplace, will cause some sort of internal
strife in a person digging their grubby paws
through a bargain bin, battling with themselves
on just what is worth their 95 cents more :
Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, or a WWE
Films presentation. A truly tough choice if
there ever was one.
WWE'S STRAIGHT TO DVD
RELEASES!
By Sean
Carless
JURASSIC
PUSH
Starring: Hulk Hogan,
Animatronic Dinosaurs, and anyone stupid enough
to sign a WWE Legends deal.
Tagline:
24 Inch Pythons > 100 Foot Long Dinosaurs,
Dude.
Plotline:
Vince McMahon creates a theme park, populated
with Aging former WWF Superstars; but when a
rival Island filled with Dinosaurs goes awry,
Hulk Hogan and his crew are called in to thwart
the ancient Lizards (not Jake
Roberts).
TWF's Take: The
Special effects here are just TOP NOTCH. I
can't tell you how real it seemed seeing these
majestic ancient creatures come to life again.
And man, the Dinosaurs looked great too!
With that
said, sorry to spoil it for anyone,
but the climax is
really one that needs to be seen,
as Hulk battles a Tyrannosaurus; blocking the
beasts third death strike, then
unleashing the unstoppable Hogan offense,
consisting of a big boot, thunderous bodyslam
and crushing LEGDROP, that
just by the sheer magnitude of Hulkamania
alone, causes all the remaining dinosaurs to
keel over dead! (much the way it likely happened
millions of years ago. (Hogan was then wrestling
as Sterling
Golden.)).
KING OF
KINGS
Starring:
HHH, and the Kliq as the Disciples.
Tagline:
This Time, There Is No "Good News".
Plotline: Hunter Hearst
Helmsley's take as the savior of humanity;
focusing on the life of the Son of God, and
detailing his many miracles (One of which is
pulling a credible match out of John Cena at
Wrestlemania.)
Quirky Note: The entire
crucifixion scene was removed,
then completely rewritten, as Hunter
believed the Romans and Pilate just
weren't believable enough to "go over"
yet.
TWF's Take: Man, and you
thought he was in good with the Father before!
Anyway,
memorable scenes for us, include his preaching
at the mount of Olives, complete with 5 minute
pre-sermon Motorhead (then known as Chariothead
for obvious reasons) intro. The sermon itself
seemed to rattle on seemingly forever though, as
Jesus basically said the same thing over and
over again. But hey, whatever. It's not like
Simon Peter could carry the company! Anyway,
this was all made up for during the famous
wedding scene where normally Jesus turns water
into wine, but this time, he opts to change the
water's constitution into bottled Evian
instead... then proceeds to spit it all over the
Apostles. Great
stuff.
REQUIEM FOR AN
AMERICAN DREAM
Starring: Dusty Rhodes, WWE
Creative, and a boatload of disappointed
wrestlers.
Tagline: They're not on
Heroin, but boy does their booking make you
think that's the case.
Plotline: A group of
bright-eyed young WWE creative team
members slow decline into hallucinatory
madness and addiction to terrible booking, under
the eye of Stephanie McMahon and Dusty
Rhodes.
TWF's Take: Maybe the most
depressing story I've ever seen. Watching
these people plunge into
the addiction of ridiculous storyline
writing was often at times really hard to take.
You ask yourself, why these people would throw
it all away for the Spirit Squad and the
Boogeyman like that? If only someone had
intervened earlier. We may have been spared the
horrors of Dr. Heiney. If
only.
THE EXORCISM
OF PETE ROSE
Starring: Pete Rose, Kane
and Laura Linney.
Tagline: "And he thought he
got a raw deal with the Hall of Fame..."
Plotline: A lawyer (Linney)
takes on a negligent homicide case involving a 7
foot monster (Kane) who performed an exorcism on
a disgraced former baseball player...
TWF's Take: Meh. How many
times can you see a dude get tombstoned before
it gets old?... even if it is ridding him of
"Demons"? (and the urge to gamble incessantly,
of course).
WWE's
APOCALYPSE SOON
Starring: Vince McMahon,
Johnny Ace, and Jim Ross.
Tagline: "WWE has come to
terms on the end of Vince McMahon's life. We
wish him luck in future
endeavors."
Plotline: After a series of
booking blunders, Jim Ross is
dispatched to Stamford Connecticut to
assassinate insane renegade promoter Vince
McMahon.
Famous Lines: "I love
the smell of firing wrestlers in the
morning!" - Johnny Ace. (Ya, didn't make
much sense to us, either).
TWF's Take: This movie will haunt
you. Particularly the final scene where Ross
finally catches up to Vince, who's
seen standing in a hut, in front of a
mirror, pants around ankles, observing
his bare ass, and muttering "The
Horror!... The
Horror!"Truer words have never been
spoken.
NATURE BOYZ N'
THE HOOD
Starring: Ric Flair, Cuba
Gooding Jr., Ice Cube.
Tagline: From kiss
stealing, wheeling and dealing, to plain old
stealing, being a wheel man, and Drug
Dealing...
Plotline: After Ric Flair
takes a wrong turn and accidentally finds
himself in the ghetto, he's confronted by
gang bangers, so he flashes the "Horsemen
hand signal" in a panic, which
actually turns out is their gang sign,
and he's subsequently inducted into their crew!
Wooooooooooo!
TWF's Take: WWE takes us
through every stereotype gang movie scenario
here, but with a Nature Boy twist. So, of course
it's awesome. Watch in awe as Ric Flair pulls
off the world's first ever "drive-by chopping";
and feel for his plight after he's arrested for
armed robbery after being easily ID'd because he
forgot to change his robe
and monogrammed boots before dawning a
hood and holding up a store. All the way to the
historic gang war scene, where Naitch disarms an
entire rival gang using a series of eye pokes
and mule kicks.
If you liked Menace 2
Society AND Grumpy Old Men, then this is the
film for
you!
HEYMAN BEGINS
Starring: Paul Heyman, Tod
Gordon, The Sandman,Tommy Dreamer, Shane
Douglas.
Tagline: As long as there's
promoters out there who actually pay their
talent, HeyMan's work is never done.
Famous lines: "For a
Billionaire Philanthropist, his checks sure
bounce a lot!"
Plotline: After a young
Paul Heyman witnesses the horror of his
parents bankrupted by a collection agency, he
vows to take revenge (and never pay a single
bill again.).
TWF's Take: This of course is the origin of HEYMAN,
who's story is told from beginning to end. It
all starts when Heyman comes to terms with his
destiny after falling through a hole in
Stately Heyman Manor (The backyard of their
Scarsdale town home) and crashing through a
table. The story then completely falls apart by
the end when he leaves Gotham in the lurch after
skipping town to film Rollerball
.
BROKEN
FREAKIN' NECK
MOUNTAIN
Starring: Kurt Angle, Brock
Lesnar, Sable and Karen Angle.
Tagline: "It takes two to
pin a man."
Famous Lines:
Kurt:
"I think you've just hit a shooting star
press... to my
heart."
Brock: "Wait. I
hit a shooting star
press?..."
Plotline: A story about a
forbidden and secretive relationship between
two Amateur wrestlers and their lives
over the
years.
TWF's Take: Phenomenal story that proves even in
the realm of half naked men
fighting in their underwear, homosexuality can
still sometimes abound.
Kurt Angle and Brock
Lesnar play two wrestlers who take a yearly trip
into the mountains to practice chain wrestling,
and eventually the two men come to grips with
the fact that their urges to mount one another
into grinding pinning combinations may be due to
a little more than just the spirit of
competition. Highly
recommended.
This just in! Also,
available in a garbage bargain
bin near you are these amazing offerings from
WWE Films:
Alrighty then! See you at
the Movies! (I'll be the guy sitting in the
darkest corner in a trench
coat.).
Sean Carless is a man of many
hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The
Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has
also cured AIDS.
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Sean
Carless | 
