WWE
SUMMER SLAM 2003:
(08/24/03)
By
Sean
Carless
It's
Summer-time! And the living is easy. Pity you won't feel
the same way after this fucking show is
done.
We are LIVE
from Phoenix, Arizona.... the only state stupid enough to
give Ultimate Warrior citizenship. So there you go. Shattering
the myth of "Parts Unknown" for good. And rightfully so. I
always wondered when I was a kid why every strange monster in
wrestling seemingly lived in the same town. That's
right.
Onto the
show~!
Dudley Boyz
vs. (C) La Résistance: World Tag team
Titles.
Holy shit,
speaking of "parts unknown", The Dudleys have apparently
relocated to "New York City" by way of Dudleyville. Can't say
I blame them. Living in a town only occupied by dozens of
brothers and sisters has got to be quite awkward
financially around Christmas time. And on a side
note, God bless Bubba for sticking with that same
first name despite now residing in fucking Hell's
Kitchen. Ya, you'll last pretty long there, Bubba. Why don't
you just throw a pillowcase on your head and drag a burning
crucifix down 110th street while you're at
it?
There are only 7 matches tonight, so they
give everyone more time to work. La Résistance's timing has
picked up somewhat, but I guess when Bubba all but threatens
to fucking kill you at house shows, that tends to tighten
up your game. The Dudley's end up hitting a 3D on Dupree,
but Grenier pulls the ref out before the count. This allows a
"camera man" to slide in and cork D-Von, allowing Dupree to
cover and La Rez to retain. After the match the
camera man is revealed as "Rob Conway"... only they
don't call him by a name yet, bar that "Damn French
sympathizer". Holy shit, his Mom must've really hated him to
give him a name like that! Oh, ya. Spike Dudley runs in and
gets his ass kicked too. But hey, when you need back up, is
whistling for a 150 pound dude really the best recourse?
That'd be like heading into a gang fight, and calling in your
paper boy to have your back. Just saying.
Winners and
STILL Champions du monde: La Résistance. You know, I think
this might be the first time a camera man has ever stepped out
of the nexus of the universe and been acknowledged as actually
existing in the WWE. But hey, don't get your hopes
up there, bucko. Next time someone's getting ran over, shot,
stabbed or set on fire on WWE TV, they'll be right
back in their unknown plain of existence, just
standing there filming the whole thing, doing
nothing.
/5
-Coach is
backstage with the Dudleys. They put over La Rez and their
willingness to do whatever it takes to win. No doubt. Clearly,
this version of La Résistance is one that gets results, unlike
their 1940's counterparts. And why not? If
Patterson clung to their backs like a spider
monkey couldn't break their spirits, I doubt the Germans
would get the job done either.
-Backstage,
Christian confronts Bischoff about being the Intercontinental
champ and STILL not being booked in a pay-per-view match
tonight. Bischoff blames Austin; saying Stone
Cold booked Eric's match with Shane tonight in lieu
of a Title match. Wait. I thought Austin was supposed to
be the BABYFACE here? What did we ever do to deserve
THAT?
Undertaker vs. A-Train w/ Sable
Hey, remind
me to never take NYC's famous A-Train if they in
fact in any way resemble WWE's version. And if they do, my
god, they might want to think about
maybe shaving that subway, because I guarantee
you you'll probably add another 50 miles per hour to its
top speed. It's just Science. You can't fight
it.
Anyway, A-Train will be assuming the role of
Kamala/Giant Gonzalez/Kama here; that being a big useless load
who bounces Taker around for about ten minutes then teeters
over, never to be heard from again. Undertaker sells the
ribs and the referee actually gets bumped TWICE. Yes
TWICE. IN THIS MATCH. Holy shit, I've heard of jumping the
shark, but this is not only jumping it, but pulling it
out of the ocean, and putting the boots to it until it dies.
Anyway, while the ref is out, Train gets the Derailer, but
Taker kicks out. Train then tries to use a chair on
Undertaker, but he just kicks it back in Albert's face. Taker
then attempts a
tombstone, but when Train floats out and
over, Taker transitions that into a choke
slam and gets the pin. And now that this business is
done, Sable can hopefully take Albert to the dude who
does her Brazilians. The trick will be evenly spreading the
wax on that 36" inch piece of Bristol
board.
After the match, Sable breaks up Taker's attempt
of a last ride on A-Train, then tries to seduce the
Deadman; but he has nothing of it, and instead of umm,
"burying a stiff" in her so to speak, he grabs a
hold of her throat. But then, all of a sudden, Steph's music hits and BY
GOD it's a FESTIVUS MIRACLE, because she's all
healed up from her "internal injuries" as
she runs in to take Sable down. Ya, those "internal
injuries" just come and go ALL THE TIME. I ruptured my
kidneys yesterday, popped some Advil's and WAS GOOD TO
GO. It's as simple as that. Anyway, Steph and Sable go Huge Tit for Tat and the two
roll around for a bit while Jerry Lawler no
doubt masturbates under his desk. (probably the real
reason the WWE tables are fully enclosed
now).
Winner: The
Undertaker, who celebrates with Stephanie. Ha.
Apparently, her hatred for the woman sleeping with Daddy
supersedes any sort of long term resentment for a dude
who once kidnapped her, strapped her to a crucifix err, I
mean SYMBOL, and tried to marry her in a dark Satanic
ceremony. BYGONES ARE BYGONES! What a touching message of
forgiveness and redemption this is! Across the land, stalkers
and their terrified victims are likely joining hands in
friendship, toasting their mutual hate for various family
members significant others. We've seen something special here
tonight. Clearly.
/5
-Coach
interviews some random dudes at ringside. YOUR WWE PPV DOLLARS
AT WORK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. Extra Matches? Who needs
those? Jesus, WWE is like that Taxi driver who purposely takes
a bunch of fucking side streets to bilk you, rather than just
taking you straight home.
Shane McMahon vs. Eric Bischoff: NO
DQ, Falls Count
Anywhere.
Ah, yes, the
battle of the pudgy former WCW owners. Eric is of course
wearing his maternity pajamas here, so you know he means
business. Of all the slightly overweight martial artists,
he's clearly my favorite. In fact, I often picture him
having a pre-match warm up with nunchucks made entirely
out of link sausages.
Anyway, the
animosity in this whole umm, rivalry, stems from the fact
that just last week on RAW, Eric apparently entered the
McMahon home and VIOLATED Linda. Man. I can only imagine
how much money it'd cost to have the Linda McMahon robot
thoroughly cleaned after an event like that. Not to mention
how many circuits were likely damaged. Maintenance like
that can't be too cheap.
With that
said, the shit is on, and I mean that almost literally. Shane
takes it to Bischoff, almost entirely shattering the mythos of
Karate once and for all. All we need now is for someone to
just grab and kill Jean-Claude Van Damme in mid slow motion
wheel-kick and the circle will indeed be complete.
Anyway, when Bischoff looks just about done, JONATHAN COACHMAN
runs in and turns on Shane! OH MY GOD. It's like Hulk Hogan
in 1996 all over again! If you discount the fact that was
incredibly significant, made money, and people actually
fucking cared about it. Other than that though, it's
clearly identical. This by gawd CHICANERY of course
brings out Stone Cold who whips Coach's ass. But he can't
touch Bischoff without provocation, so Shane pushes Bischoff
into Austin so he can take him out with a stunner. I
wonder if this happens with his girlfriends in real life? You
know, he has a buddy come over when he's arguing with his
old lady, who then purposely shoves the
woman into him , so he can
LEGALLY take her out? THIS SHIT HAS TO BE APPLICABLE
IN REAL LIFE, DAMN IT.
Oh ya, after
the stunner, Shane decides he isn't going to pin Eric in the
ring, and instead drags him outside, and smashes him through
the announce table with a big elbow, and pins him on the floor
for the win.
Winner:
Shane McMahon, who gets revenge for Mom's alleged rape by
NEARLY KILLING HIMSELF. Hey, to me, that's like
insisting on leaping from the roof of your house onto a would
be attacker, as opposed to just shooting the fucker as they
come through front door. But hey, whatever floats your
boat, Shane.
/5
- Backstage,
Flair is with fellow Evolution member Randy
Orton, and reminds him who is supposed to go over in
tonight's Elimination Chamber. Hey, speaking of
"Evolution", am I the only one who wants to see HBK form his
own group called "Creation"? Then the two can feud
extensively, until former wrestler The Missing Link is finally
found to conclusively end their rivalry! It'll be AWESOME, and
not at all lame and stupid. I'm telling
you.
(C) Eddie
Guerrero vs. Tajiri vs. Rhyno vs. Chris Benoit : Fatal
Four-way for the U.S. Title.
You know, I
think I hate this U.S. Title belt. It's damn ugly. Normally,
you get a magic whip and a fucking Invisible plane when you
wear something that looks like this, don't you? Eddie
must be feeling gypped.
As for the
match, well, there's four dudes here, so I guess that at least
means we won't have to suffer through one guy pretending to be
out-cold on the floor for ten minutes after one fucking move.
It's funny how as soon as you add one extra guy to a match,
their BLOWS BECOME LETHAL.
With that
said, this was a very good match. Very fast paced, with all
four men getting in their spots flawlessly.The end comes
when first Eddie blocked a gore by Rhyno with the U.S. Title;
Benoit then hits a diving headbutt onto Rhyno while
Tajiri was tied to the tree of woe; but Tajiri escaped
and broke the cover up. From there, Tajiri and
Benoit went over the top simultaneously, allowing Eddie
to hit a frog splash to the back of a prone Rhyno to
retain.
Winner and
STILL Champion: Eddie Guerrero! He Lies. He Cheats! He
Steals! Steals? Huh. Maybe he should "steal"
some Clearasil sometime. That shit on his back is getting
nasty. Still though, great match. And you can't go wrong
with any of these guys. They're all
awesome.
/5
-Video
package for Lesnar/Angle. Included within is Lesnar
destroying Zach Gowen, and breaking his umm, "leg", in
essence crippling him. Heh. Turns out people
actually frown on you abusing crippled people.
I wish I knew this before. Could have saved me A LOT of
grief with those Make a Wish Foundation people. Live and
learn, I guess.
(C)Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar; WWE
Title.
Michael Cole
announces that tonight we'll be seeing THE REAL Brock Lesnar.
Apparently the one we've been seeing is a ROBOT CLONE. Turns
out WWE has been doing this for a while. In
fact, WWE allegedly has a facility where
they churn out completely identical robotic clones on a
monthly basis. I believe they call it "OVW". We should be
seeing some of these prototypes soon. But be CAREFUL. I've
heard they have a tendency to SPINEBUSTER AND DROPKICK at
random. They should have the bugs worked out soon,
hopefully.
Anyway, I
was surprised that they put this one on this early. However, I
can't say enough good things about this match. Both men worked
their asses off, and for my money (which is clearly
worthless since I'm Canadian) this one actually surpassed
their Wrestlemania effort. Wait. That explains why we haven't
been seeing "the real Brock Lesnar" until tonight! Clearly, he
was killed at Wrestlemania after that botched SSP. IT ALL
MAKES SENSE NOW. Good thing they reanimated Brock in time for
tonight's show! But I've seen enough movies to know that's not
always a good thing. They'll know it's a mistake if Brock adds
biting through skulls to his already stacked repertoire.
Pretty even
match for the most part, but the tide turns when the Ref gets
bumped. Angle then gets the Anklelock, and Brock
taps, but there is no referee to see it. Vince ('cause let's
face it, we haven't seen enough McMahon's tonight!)
then saunters in and nails Kurt in the back with a chair.
Lesnar follows that assist up by hitting an amazing F-5
on one leg (DO THE TRIBUTES TO ZACH GOWEN TRULY NEVER END!)
but Kurt gets out at two... because, as his comeback from a
broken neck in TWO FUCKING MONTHS proved, clearly he's
the fasted healer alive. And if we ever see a dude
in a kilt with a broadsword attack him, followed up
by a nonsensical indoor thunderstorm a few minutes later,
I think we'll know why. THERE CAN BE ONLY
ONE~!
Anyway,
McMahon tells Brock to hit another F-5, but
Angle counters into the anklelock out of it, and after
nearly a minute in the hold, Brock taps out for the clean
Angle win!
After the
match, Angle attacks Vince, and gives him an Angle-slam, Or
"Slam" as it's known in the Angle household, on a CHAIR that
was set upright in the ring! Awesome. If only we could all
attempt to murder our bosses. I know I would. But
unfortunately, I work for myself and it doesn't exactly work
out as well. But man do I have it coming. One of these
days, I'll teach me for not giving myself a raise when
clearly I deserved it. You'll see.
Winner
and STILL WWE Champion: Kurt Angle; a man, who in certain
light resembles a six foot penis. I blame this on the
fact that his head and neck seem to have no differential
in size. And with that said, I believe this to be the REAL
catalyst for the Lesnar/Angle rivalry. You see, ever since I
saw that photo of Brock and Kurt making out with each
other, I have suspected that the two were possibly gay... you
know, despite that being the exact definition of
homosexuality. These emotions then confused both men; and
rather than embrace their love for one another, and the
various go-behinds and tight waists they could be exchanging
in a secret mountain retreat somewhere, they instead
opted to suppress these feelings and tried to destroy each
other. But we know the truth. You're not fooling anyone. How
tragic.
[Sean's note from 2007: Kurt & Brock hiding a
secret gay relationship, and desperately wanting to hold each
other in the MOUNTAINS? Where have we heard THAT before? What
am I, a Genius? A
Wizard?]
/5
-Goldberg is
seen preparing backstage with phantom kicks and punches. Man,
those invisible people are taking a real BEATING! Have
some mercy, Bill!
Kane vs. RVD: NO
HOLDS BARRED... minus the all important Tiny Lister
jr. seeking his revenge months after the
filming wrapped up.
The
story of this match is the fact that Kane and Rob were once
the bestest of friends, but Kane turned on him because,
umm, actually, I have no idea why he turned on him. Maybe it's
because Rob didn't want to grow a bowl-cut to be
"Moe" to Kane's "Larry", after Kane unmasked revealing
that exact
haircut? I don't know. All I do know is I'm surprised WWE
didn't write some completely ridiculous retcon to explain this
feud; like Rob almost accidentally set the house on fire when
he left his bong lit, and this brought back a flood of
emotions for the Big Red Machine. Not that it wouldn't serve
Kane right. For a dude traumatized by open flames, he's sure
hung with enough potheads in this
company...
Anyway, this
match is of course "no holds barred", with even
fewer used. Very sloppy match here. At one point, Kane
tries to go up to the top for something ,then slips
and violently tumbles out, getting his head caught in the
ropes, and almost hanging himself. Got to laugh at the irony
of "fire" not killing this dude, but a random
clumsy tumble off the top rope getting the job done. And
most ironic of all is he apparently had better balance
while having his vision obstructed in a fucking mask for 6
years!
RVD comes
back soon after, taking JR's advice to "destroy Kane's
verticality". Wait, Is Verticality even a real fucking
word? Holy shit! It is! Damn. I was hoping I could add further
advice of Rob needing to grab some weaponality and
try to knock Kane into unconsciousality, and get him into
a state of horizontality where he could get the pin. *The
following was brought to you by the precedent of fake words
ending in "ality" as seen in the Mortal Kombat
games.
Rob
then hits some stiff kicks, and uses my earlier advice,
bar the fake English, using a slew of chair-assisted
offense on Kane, including a rolling thunder and
skateboard. RVD then dusts off the old Van
Terminator, but Kane avoids the contact by moving
clear. Kane then drags RVD to the floor where he
proceeds to tombstone him on the ring steps, before
rolling him back in for the anticlimactic
pin.
Winner:
Kane. Poor Rob. It looks like he'll have to go out and buy
a Zippo to light his joints from now on. Kane's days of
lighting four of them at once by just raising his arms
are sadly over.
/5
Bischoff is
shown backstage being treated for cuts when Linda comes
in. And she's not even wearing her neck collar anymore,
after, you know, having it BROKE AFTER BEING TOMBSTONED ON THE
RAW STAGE. Man, if only Edge was a McMahon! He'd have
been back before Wrestlemania! Anyway, Linda looks on,
angry with Eric, as rape will usually do, and SLAPS
Bischoff for umm, putting himself, umm, inside
her? Dear God. Only in wrestling could raping someone
only merit you a light slap on the face, and ZERO jail time.
Clearly, Mike Tyson missed the boat by not signing a full time
contract with WWF in 1998 when he had the
chance....
-Ric Flair
gets Triple H mentally prepared for his title match. A simple
"you're fucking the boss's daughter, you'll go over" might
have been a little more realistic. Ah, I kid. KAYFABE 4 life,
baby.
(C) HHH vs. Goldberg vs. Y2J vs.
Kevin Nash vs. Randy Orton vs. HBK: Elimination
Chamber, World Heavyweight Title;
Having Nash,
Y2J, HBK & Orton in here is the equivalent of having a
bikini contest with four obese women, and Pamela
Anderson and Yasmeen Bleeth. We all KNOW who it's coming down
to here. But apparently, the reasoning for the chamber is
because both HHH and Goldberg are injured and can't
realistically carry a match.
With that
said, Triple H is wearing elongated versions of his tights,
because of a groin pull (I used to pull my groin all the time,
but my Mom told me I'd get hair on my palms so I stopped). I'd
be lying if I said they weren't
completely fucking comical. In fact, with the
iron cross and all, he kind of looks like a Nazi bike
courier. And speaking of Nazi's, Goldberg just might be the
only Jew alive, not only willing, but happy to enter something
called an "Elimination Chamber". Good grief,
man.
HBK & Y2J start things off with some
fantastic exchanges. I could watch these two wrestle forever.
Next out of the gate is Randy Orton, who is also surprisingly
"on" given his relative big-match inexperience. Nash
comes in next and goes to work...and by "work", I mean the
same literal definition of someone on Welfare. He does as
little as possible to earn an undeserved check. However,
just as fast as he and his seemingly radioactive blond beacon
of a head enter (I think this new hairdo could
land planes and guide fucking ships safely into harbor), he's
eliminated after HBK
hits him with a superkick, and Jericho jackknife (SWEET
IRONY) bridges him for the elimination. Nash, then
furiously gets up and jack knife's Jericho, Michaels and
Orton, then calls it a WWE career so he can put over The
Punisher. Well, that was clearly worth the money. I think
Nash may have worked like maybe 4 PPVs since resigning
with the company in 2002, and 3 of those pay-per-views were
fucking World Title matches! I think Big Kev just might
be the bizarro world version of Milton from Office Space. He
doesn't do ANY fucking work, and still gets paid for doing
NOTHING. Sweet deal. God speed, Big
Sexy.
Next up is
HHH, and his orthopedic clam diggers, but HBK superkicks
him back into his pod so he can buy some time. Goldberg
finally makes his way in soon after, and destroys every
one. Orton gets speared and pinned first negating the whole
"protect Trips" storyline. Silly, Orton. Goldberg's people
invented Creationism. Take this Evolution business
elsewhere, mister. From there, Jericho also gets
speared, but through one of the Plexiglas chambers.
Ouch. HBK & Goldberg then exchange some offense
before Goldberg spears and jack-hammers him. Y2J suffers much
the same fate immediately after, and this leaves only H's
and Goldberg remaining. HHH won't leave his pod, so Goldberg
breaks it, slicing his leg in the process (Glass- 2 Goldberg-
0!). From there, Goldberg who is WAY over tonight, finally
gets his hands on Trip's and manhandles him. It looks like
Goldberg is about to finish H's with a spear when Trips pulls
out a sledgehammer fed to him by Flair through the
cage and nails him in mid charge, collecting the
easy pin. Well, Trips really clocked in a barnburner
here. Good thing the motherfucker's not getting paid by the
hour. Steph'd go hungry. Wait. Maybe that's not that bad of a
thing after all....
Winner and
STILL World Champion: HHH. Loser: The IWC, clearly. Even a
bandaged cock and the complete lack of mobility won't
make this douche bag do a job.
/5
After the match, Evolution hand-cuffed Goldberg
to the chamber and bloodied him to close the show. A
BLOND GUY WITH AN IRON CROSS ON HIS OUTFIT IS DESTROYING
A JEW INSIDE A CHAMBER. What could possibly be misconstrued as
offensive about this. MOST.DEPRESSING.PPV.FINISH. EVER. [/Comic
Book guy].
FINAL THOUGHTS: Well,
outside of the Brock/Angle match which was AWESOME, and a
decent four-way U.S. Title match, this PPV was about memorable
as a night of passion with an ugly woman. Something that
you aesthetically enjoyed at times, but at the end were
sickened and wanted to forget completely. The Main Event was
plugging along great, but then it ended in a whimper with some
of the silliest booking ever. I guess we'll have to wait until
Unforgiven to see Trips, who by that time will be encased in a
giant black diaper, put Goldberg over. To be honest, I kind of
wished they had thought outside the box and put Jericho
or Michaels over, seeing how Trips and Goldberg seem to go
down easier lately than a Hemophiliac playing Dodgeball. Oh
well.
Still, two
match rule permitting, I'll give it a thumbs up. But that
thumb, well, he's going up under duress.
I'm
Sean.
