Hey all, I'm your venerable party host Sean Carless, and this is your rant for Summer Slam. The best way to spend your summer according to WWE; providing you have no wife, friends or life to be spoken of. I wonder if WWE meant to make me this depressed.

Anyway, what are we waiting for! It's SUMMER SLAM! A night built entirely around two dudes who for all intents and purposes look like a Hair Club ad for "Before" and "Way Before!" Plus, angry atrophied Olympians look to murder the mentally handicapped! An Animal battles a God that I suggest might be a little more forgiving of Sodom & Gomorrah!  Adultery is settled the old fashioned way: WITH BODYSLAMS! And a child goes home with the first diminutive Mexican to climb a ladder. It's as true to life as you get. And I can't think of a better way to spend a summer! Ok, I lied. I really can. But no one really likes me, so I have little choice. Oh well.

Onto the show~!

Tonight’s show comes to us from the nation’s capital!... and just incase you forgot what country you've lived in your entire fucking life, here’s Lillian to sing the national anthem! And hey, look, there’s the Navy something or other! How patriotic! Apple pie for everyone! Except for you, fatso. You eat too much as it is.

(C) Orlando Jordan w/ U.S. Belt and grandiose pubic thatch atop his head Vs. Chris Benoit w/o tooth. : U.S. Heavyweight Title at stake

And we’re off! ……..And we’re done! New U.S. Champion in about 25 seconds. OJ just got in one punch and an Ali shuffle before taking a quick German (not this. ) and tapping instantly to the crossface. Wow. Even Muhammad Ali, inventor of said shuffle, would have lasted longer in there than OJ just did. Of course, he'd probably be tapping too, but you'd really have no way of knowing if that was him quitting or just a flurry of Parkinson's. Wait. What were we talking about again?

Oh, ya. OJ's reign is finally over! Thank God. Obviously WWE actually started watching their shows and saw the proverbial Wild West tumbleweed that usually accompanies Jordan to the ring. Good decision. All that's left now is for WWE to totally repackage OJ. And by repackage, I mean seal him in something inescapable and drop him to the bottom of the Ocean. I'll understand if my suggestion falls on deaf ears, though. Oh well.

Winner: Ron and Nicole! Justice is finally served! Ahem.

/5 (just because)

-Eddie Guerrero is backstage when he’s joined by his wife Vickie.  Vickie begs Eddie not to go ahead with this custody match and pleads for him to come to his senses, stating that the Eddie she knows has a big heart. Holy shit, a big heart? Get this dude to a hospital! That shit can't be too healthy.

[Sean's note as of 2006: Shit. Didn't see that coming. I feel terrible.  Although, you do have to marvel at my somewhat sweet prognostication abilities. What am I, a Genius? A Wizard?]

Matt Hardy Vs. Edge w/ Lita (and sexual contagion?)

According to J.R., this whole match is built around the fact Edge ruined and I quote, "Matt’s chance to ever have a family". Apparently no one ever told Matt that his sperm can actually impregnate more than one woman. Poor Matt. I don't know how any woman would EVER want to leave him based on his proficiency at the shocker. It's a head-scratcher.

Anyway, the shit is on, as Matt wastes little time, and the two exchange some pretty stiff shots, while resisting the urge to ruin the "shoot" atmosphere by breaking out some really lame WWE-esque contrived spots. "MAN, I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR DESTROYING MY LIFE, I THINK I COULD JUST GINGERLY HIP TOSS YOU, OR MAYBE EVEN PLACE YOU IN A CHINLOCK SO I MAY CATCH MY BREATH! FEEL MY WRATH~!!!!". Yup.

In one cool spot, Edge spears Matt who was standing on the apron, and both spill violently to the floor. Ouch. However, if you REALLY wanted to hurt Matt, I’d suggest maybe breaking his fingers, that way he couldn’t type on the Internet anymore. But hey, that's just me. Back inside, Edge ends up back body dropping Matt face first into the turnbuckle post, then laying in some really stiff kicks that open up Matt’s head, as many morbidly obese teenage girls across the country likely pass out in horror at the visual. Or maybe due to all the blood leaving their heads to go to their stomach to help digest the huge meal they likely just put away. It's hard to know. I'm no doctor. 

Anyway, the ref tends to Matt from there, but Edge lays in one more stiff shot, so the ref calls for the bell? Whatinthefuckyousay? Wow. All of a sudden I get the image of Vince, Steph & Johnny Ace waiting for Matt backstage with a wheelbarrow, a shovel, and some lime.

In any event, after the match, the officials carry Matt Hardy to the back, beaten and bloodied. JR then astutely points out that Matt Hardy did not die. Quick, someone get this man a medical license! It's really that easy.

Winner: ADULTERY! (and Edge)

/5 (For what we did see)

-Wow, two matches thus far, clocked in at a total of barely five minutes total? You’d think a couple of egomaniacs were on top tonight and demanding all the time! *Ahem*.

-Highlight package for Rey Vs. Eddie. The best way to get back at a former friend is to demand custody of his child. Ya, that'll show him. Paying palimony is always the BEST revenge. Good thinking, Eddie.

 Anyway, after the video, Cole says that he knows what Mysterio is going through, because he has two adopted sons of his own. Huh. I guess it kind of makes sense. You actually have to have sex with a real woman to have children. Or at least one that doesn't require a patch kit bi-weekly.

Anyway, the social worker brings Dominick to ringside. And you know, somehow, I don’t think basically winning a contest is legal grounds for adoption.  “Hey, your honor, that kid is MINE, I won a game of horse-shoes fair and square!”. But if it was, and I was a parent, I'd always be challenging various friends and neighbors to these types of matches...then purposely losing. Just about the best way to get out of buying Christmas presents I can think of. Suckers.

Rey Mysterio Vs. Eddie Guerrero; Ladder match for custody of Dominick. (maybe the single dumbest thing I’ve ever written).

This match would mean so much more if Dominick himself was dangling from the ceiling, no? I mean why not? If they can get Judy Bagwell's big ass up on a pole (likely the only one to come in contact with her since spawning Buff), surely Dominick can take one for the team and ride a cable?

Anyway, I’d call this match hold for hold, but I, umm, don’t want to? That’s right. Instead, I’ll just point out the best highspots and try and tell the story.

Both men absolutely pulverized each other with the ladder, and the irony is, even though the two blew a few spots (namely one where Rey back body dropped Eddie off the ladder, then fell awkwardly back first into a second ladder that was laying precariously) they ended up being much more brutal visuals than what was originally intended, so everything equaled out.

Another absolutely awesome spot saw Eddie place the ladder, wedging it on the top rope, and when Rey tried to run at Eddie and attempt a potential frankensteiner, Eddie powered through and dropped Rey-Rey face first into the ladder! At this point, Eddie looked to have things won, and climbed the ladder, only to see Dominick run in and try to tip Eddie over! (obviously Dominick didn’t hear about what happened to the last guy to try and do that to Eddie…).

However, Guerrero hilariously climbs down and says "you never tip someone off a ladder!" before asking him to give him a hug because he’s his new Daddy. I think Feinstein uses that as a pickup line. Anyway, Eddie looks like he’s about to give Dominick five across the eyes (which since Rey isn't his *real* father actually have fucking pigment. Lucky him.), but Rey makes the save. As only a father desperately trying to win an adopted child by climbing garage-based home improvement apparatuses can.

 Anyway, more carnage with the ladder ensues, including a ladder assisted 619 (Rey swung his feet into the ladder that in turn crashed into Eddie’s head) along with perhaps one of the coolest visuals I’ve ever seen as Rey is hanging from the cable after climbing the ladder, and as he let’s go and falls, Eddie catches him, and powerbombs him! Sick stuff.

Anyway, after some more back and forth, Eddie gets the advantage and hits the three amigos (with the last on the ladder) before pinning the ladder over Rey’s torso and climbing up, for the potential easy win. HOWEVER, Vickie Guerrero runs-in (waddles in?) and tips Eddie off the ladder, causing him to crash violently into the ropes. This assist allows Rey to climb the ladder and retrieve the briefcase containing the “custody papers”, while Vickie attached herself to Eddie like a spider monkey, preventing him from stopping Rey. What a shame. I can only hope the next time I’m trying to steal my former best friend’s son by climbing a ladder, that my wife is there to support me. I mean, if you can't trust your wife to support you in the legal kidnapping of a diminutive Mexican boy, what's the point of even getting married?

Winner: Rey Mysterio. How wholesome.  Dominick is back where he belongs! Even if he is going home with a father with no eyes and who always wears a mask. Wait. Isn’t that something that Children’s Aid worker should be looking into?

/5

-Backstage, Tard Grisham is with Chris Jericho. Y2J insists that he’ll win the WWE Title tonight, and that Cena’s fad will end like the way the New Kids on the Block fade away. Ha. BREAK THE WHALBERG DOWNNNNNNNNNN.

Kurt Angle Vs. Eugene w/ Christie Hemme, Gold medals, and an unnamed medical calamity.

First, it must be said: Washington D.C. completely turned on Eugene. But I can’t say I blame them. They already have to put up with the antics of one retard in this town, so hey, it's understandable.

Anyway, just in case you were wondering how the mongoloids that do the power lifting in the Special Olympics would fare against standard Olympic athletes, you got your answer. (not fucking great.)  Anyhoo, Angle dominates Eugene, and proceeds to beat the retard out of him. Eugene gets a couple of hope spots, hitting both a Rock Bottom and a Stunner, but neither gets the job done.  From there, Angle snaps, hits the Angle-slam, and finishes with the anklelock in convincing fashion. After the match, Angle kicks over a UNICEF tray, tips over a D.A.R.T.S bus, and pimp slaps Corky from Life Goes On, just because he can. Anyway, Angle then re-enacts his Olympic ceremony post match (sans broken freakin’ neck) and demands the referee place the medals around his neck as he stood on a chair. Awesome. The next time I grievously maim a disabled person, I think I too will insist on this ceremony.

Winner: Kurt Angle. He likes bestiality sex and killing retards. But then again, don’t we all.

/5

-Backstage, we see the Divas washing a limo. It’s a lot like the movie The Bikini Car Wash Company, only without the big bare titties, and simulating screwing dudes while obviously sitting on their stomachs. But we take what we can get, right? Anyway, we pan along the limo and see a seal that reads “President of the United States”. The limo power window then rolls down and Vince is in the limo as he shrugs his shoulders and says “hey, why not?”…. before we finally pan to a bumper sticker that reads “McMahon for President”. Awesome. However, truthfully, Vince should know that the American people would never elect a megalomaniac who inherited much of his position from his Father; and a man who has his own twisted view on the world and is unrelenting in forcing this particular vision on other people. Not ever. And definitely not twice. No sir.

[Sean's note from 2006: I can't believe they never ran with the Vince for President thing as an actual angle. Damn them for depriving us of some great potential material! Well, with that said, in the Summer of 2005, I actually speculated as to what a potential Vince McMahon Presidential campaign would look like (before this ever even happened). I'm now going to once again list those policy changes I expected Vince would implement if ever elected. Here we go~!:

-Cut off all relations to places like Japan, because the majority of the population is under six feet tall.

-Raises taxes 300% to pay for the 350 billion dollar Diva search.

-Changes the country's name to United States Entertainment.

-Hires the Bashams to head up the secret service. He's subsequently assassinated inside 10 minutes.

-Has Stephanie rewrite the constitution and Bill of rights and remove all continuity and add more jokes with “poop” and “asses”.

-Retools the military, replacing hand to hand combat and weapons with moves like the scissors-kick, while desperately hoping the enemy has the decency to stay bent over upward of 30 seconds so they can pull it off.

-Every female in his cabinet will go on a brief leave of absence then return with larger breasts then they previously had.

-Charges 40 dollars plus tax to hear the State of the Union Address. Subsequently schedules 15 addresses for 2006-2007.

-Attorney General Jerry Lawler has the national age of consent lowered to twelve or "whenever it is when they get boobs".

-“Inexplicably” plans nuclear missile testing for Nashville & Orlando.

-Has the United Nations officially disbanded when several of the other countries don’t say “Hello” to The Undertaker and shake his hand.

-Agrees to Canada’s terms over softwood, only to double cross them with the help of Earl Hebner and Shawn Michaels.

-Creates a controversial new economic system: “Thuganomics” where the money of small children and overweight teenaged girls “trickle down”…into his pockets.

-Declares war on both France and Quebec. Just because.

-Misunderstands the 2nd amendment, and changes it to the “Right to Bare Arms”, encouraging people to wear tear-away muscle shirts.

-Hires Jake Roberts to head up the new and approved D.E.A. Drugs subsequently disappear completely from the streets, only to later end up in Jake’s apartment, with his solemn vow to destroy them …eventually.

-At the behest of Jim Ross, Vince reinstates the Government Mule program.

 -Finally has the Twin Towers rebuilt…in the likenesses of Big Bossman and Akeem.

-Deals with World Diplomacy by staging a skit where Bin Laden has Saddam Hussein’s head pulled from his ass.

There we go. I feel a lot better now.].