SURFS UP, PANTS DOWN.DEAR
LORD, IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?...
(01/26/07)
You know, when you spend most of your time in
the cold unforgiving reaches of space, I'd think the last
thing you'd want to be doing in the sub-temperatures of
the great beyond is freeball it. I mean, you think you
had some explaining to do the first time your woman saw
your unit after getting out of a cold pool....
But leave it to Silver
Surfer to shatter that theory. According to an exposé
on Ain't It Cool News, someone, with too
much time on their hands obviously, and god knows what else,
did a little frame by frame breakdown of the new Fantastic
Four sequel Trailer, and was horrified to discover that
Surfer (who plays their adversary in the film) appears to be
buck ass bare-balls whilst careening through a Freeway Tunnel
on his intergalactic surfboard. Now, normally when you insist
on exposing your testicles while surfing, you have an angry
coastguard pull you from the Ocean and press formal charges
(I'm running out of beaches!), but I guess when you're granted
unparalleled cosmic powers and do all your "surfing" in
the fucking cosmos, who's gonna stop you if you
suddenly feel the urge to kick off your
otherworldly jockey shorts and go au natural? That's
right.
Quite frankly, I'm
surprised more super heroes haven't taken up Surfer's
free-spirited lifestyle and discarded their
indestructible spandex unitards for the unfettered freedom
that can only come from fighting crime and saving the world
with your omnipresent scrotum visible. After all, if I was a
super villain, I don't think I'd want to tangle
with say Superman, and his super junk. It's
clearly a great crime-fighting edge. I mean, if
Superman can melt shit with his eyes, and freeze lakes with
his breath, just imagine the damage that his dick could
do. That my friends, is a chance I would not be willing to
take. Only unlike Supes, whom you could at
least force a pair of Kryptonite jockeys on, I don't know
if Surfer and his glistening metallic nutsack
can be stopped. But hey, to each their own. Maybe
Surfer's transdimensional commando routine has
less to do with an Über swanky liberal
lifestyle, and more to do with basic aerodynamics. After
all, I imagine a pair of Bermuda shorts might cause
some resistance issues whilst you
carefully maneuver through an Asteroid belt. Clearly,
I've thought too much about this. I think I'll stop
now.
I'm Sean.
This just in! After
viewing Silver Surfer's translucent pewter applebag,
Britney Spears has vowed to never leave home without her
underwear again. Does Surfer's heroics truly never
end?
I'm
Sean.
