SURFS
UP, PANTS DOWN.DEAR LORD, IS THAT WHAT I
THINK IT IS?...
(01/26/07)
You know, when you spend most
of your time in the cold unforgiving reaches of
space, I'd think the last thing you'd want to be
doing in the sub-temperatures of the great
beyond is freeball it. I mean, you think you
had some explaining to do the first time your
woman saw your unit after getting out of a
cold pool....
But leave it to Silver Surfer
to shatter that theory. According to an
exposé on Ain't It
Cool News, someone, with too
much time on their hands obviously, and god knows
what else, did a little frame by frame breakdown
of the new Fantastic Four sequel Trailer, and was
horrified to discover that Surfer (who plays
their adversary in the film) appears to be buck
ass bare-balls whilst careening through a Freeway
Tunnel on his intergalactic surfboard. Now,
normally when you insist on exposing your
testicles while surfing, you have an angry
coastguard pull you from the Ocean and press
formal charges (I'm running out of beaches!), but
I guess when you're granted
unparalleled cosmic powers and do all your
"surfing" in the fucking cosmos, who's gonna stop
you if you suddenly feel the urge to kick off
your otherworldly jockey shorts and go au
natural? That's right.
Quite frankly, I'm
surprised more super heroes haven't taken up
Surfer's free-spirited lifestyle and
discarded their indestructible spandex unitards
for the unfettered freedom that can only come from
fighting crime and saving the world with your
omnipresent scrotum visible. After all, if I was a
super villain, I don't think I'd want to tangle
with say Superman, and his super
junk. It's clearly a great crime-fighting
edge. I mean, if Superman can melt shit with
his eyes, and freeze lakes with his breath,
just imagine the damage that his dick could do.
That my friends, is a chance I would not be
willing to take. Only unlike Supes, whom you
could at least force a pair of
Kryptonite jockeys on, I don't know if Surfer and
his glistening metallic nutsack can
be stopped. But hey, to each their own. Maybe
Surfer's transdimensional commando
routine has less to do with an
Über swanky liberal lifestyle, and more
to do with basic aerodynamics. After all, I
imagine a pair of Bermuda shorts might cause
some resistance issues whilst you
carefully maneuver through an Asteroid belt.
Clearly, I've thought too much about this. I
think I'll stop now.
I'm Sean.
This just in! After viewing
Silver Surfer's translucent
pewter applebag, Britney Spears has vowed to
never leave home without her underwear again. Does
Surfer's heroics truly never
end?
