Yes sir, according to Yahoo.com, your number
one source for "hard hitting journalism" like conspiracy
theories involving Lindsay Lohan possibly hacking into Paris
Hilton's fucking blackberry, comes the *OFFICIAL* UNVEILING OF
ONE "SURI XENU DAWSON L. RON 2.0 CRUISE". Turns out, Suri
is an actual ENTITY, and the photographers at Vanity
Fair (last seen painting a complicated naked tuxedo on Demi
Moore) caught up with the new parents and Suri, fresh from her
recent multiple-month human emotion deprogramming at one
of Scientology's many Thetan-ridding hyperbaric chambers
across the country (being purified of your tormented volcano
ghosts is all the *new* rage!) and snapped the first
collective photos of the happy family!:
But not so fast, mister! Through my
super-secret sources, that for the sake of their identity
we'll just call "John Travolta", I've learned that in fact,
the very pictures of young Suri now online have been
DOCTORED by a crack team of graphic artists to hide that
TRUTH. And not just that Tom has never made love
to Katie without first going to the kitchen and hand
washing a turkey baster for which he loads his Thetan-free
love seed, and then deposits into one Katie Holmes in a
manner that would not impress Pacy nor Dawson, let alone
anyone from the beloved Creek. HOWEVER~! Fear not,
for I have ACQUIRED three incriminating photos, believed to be
the ACTUAL unedited shots of young Suri, moments before
she was sucked into a glowing green light and elevated from
the studio in a weightless beam of anti-gravity. It is up
to YOU to decide which of the three are the REAL
DEAL:
Uh-oh! Better cancel
that Honeymoon to Hawaii! With all those volcanoes around
there, who knows where Tom & Katie might end up
thanks to this kid! I mean, it's happened
before! You know, Thousands of years ago thanks to
those pesky HYDROGEN bombs created by a race of aliens who
could create ships capable of traveling the far reaches
of space at light speed, but apparently not bend the
Atom! Who knew?!
Holy shit~! Tom might
as well change his name to Ricky Ricardo, because Katie's got
some Splainin' to do! Although, this does explain why Isaac
Hayes became a Scientologist! Shut your mouth! I'm only
talking about Shaft
Xenu!
Hey! I bet Tom's kicking himself for letting
Katie spend so much time with the Travoltas now! Although, at
least this kid has a seriously good chance of cutting a mean
rug one day! (no truth to the rumor that when the photographer
said 'say cheese', Suri laughed, and responded
"Royale with cheese").
Ok, that's all I have for you. But the truth is
out there. Somewhere. I'm sure. Maybe. I don't
know.
I'm Sean.
3 Times winner of the prestigious handsome
contest and professional upstanding Truth Teller (Liars sit in
chairs).
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears
those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's
various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling,
411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and
Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
