Yes sir,
according to Yahoo.com, your number one source for
"hard hitting journalism" like conspiracy
theories involving Lindsay Lohan possibly hacking
into Paris Hilton's fucking blackberry, comes the
*OFFICIAL* UNVEILING OF ONE "SURI XENU
DAWSON L. RON 2.0 CRUISE". Turns out, Suri is
an actual ENTITY, and the
photographers at Vanity Fair (last seen painting a
complicated naked tuxedo on Demi Moore) caught up
with the new parents and Suri, fresh from her
recent multiple-month human
emotion deprogramming at one of Scientology's
many Thetan-ridding hyperbaric chambers
across the country (being purified of your
tormented volcano ghosts is all the *new*
rage!) and snapped the first collective photos of
the happy family!:
But not so
fast, mister! Through my
super-secret sources, that for the sake of
their identity we'll just call "John Travolta",
I've learned that in fact, the very pictures of
young Suri now online have been DOCTORED by a
crack team of graphic artists to hide that
TRUTH. And not just that Tom has never made
love to Katie without first going to the
kitchen and hand washing a turkey baster for which
he loads his Thetan-free love seed, and
then deposits into one Katie Holmes in a
manner that would not impress Pacy nor Dawson, let
alone anyone from the beloved Creek.
HOWEVER~! Fear not, for I have ACQUIRED three
incriminating photos, believed to be the ACTUAL
unedited shots of young Suri, moments before
she was sucked into a glowing green light and
elevated from the studio in a weightless beam of
anti-gravity. It is up to YOU to decide which
of the three are the REAL
DEAL:
Uh-oh! Better cancel that Honeymoon to
Hawaii! With all those volcanoes around
there, who knows where Tom & Katie might
end up thanks to this kid! I mean, it's
happened before!
You know, Thousands of years ago thanks
to those pesky HYDROGEN bombs created by a race of
aliens who could create ships capable
of traveling the far reaches of space at
light speed, but apparently not bend the
Atom! Who knew?!
Holy shit~! Tom might as well
change his name to Ricky Ricardo, because Katie's
got some Splainin' to do! Although, this does
explain why Isaac Hayes became a Scientologist!
Shut your mouth! I'm only talking about
Shaft
Xenu!
Hey! I bet Tom's kicking himself
for letting Katie spend so much time with the
Travoltas now! Although, at least this kid has a
seriously good chance of cutting a mean rug one
day! (no truth to the rumor that when the
photographer said 'say cheese', Suri
laughed, and responded "Royale with
cheese").
Ok, that's all I have for you. But
the truth is out there. Somewhere. I'm sure.
Maybe. I don't know.
I'm Sean.
3 Times winner of the prestigious
handsome contest and professional upstanding Truth
Teller (Liars sit in
chairs).
Sean Carless is a man of many
hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot.
Sean's various scribblings have been read
at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk
Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal
Wrestling. He has also cured
AIDS
