WWE SURVIVOR
SERIES 2003
(11/16/03)
Hey there
party people, I'm your lovable host of very
limited PPV recappery, Sean Carless, and welcome to the
Survivor Series! The event that caused the complete unraveling
and subsequent destruction of Bret Hart's life and mental
wellbeing! Many of us can no doubt relate to this
phenomenon as it pertains to WWE pay-per-views. We feel
your pain, Bret. Clearly.
Were are
LIVE from Dallas Texas! Yes Texas. And yes, Booker T is
wrestling tonight, so I think it's fair to say he'll know the
exact location of every light in the arena by evening's end.
You know, I don't know why Book even bothers to show up
when booked in the Lone star state anymore. It never works out
for him.
Onto the
Show~!
TEAM
ANGLE: Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, John Cena, Bradshaw &
Hardcore Holly vs. TEAM LESNAR: Brock Lesnar, A-Train, Big
Show, Nathan Jones & Matt Morgan
It was strange seeing Smackdown's Main
Event (barring the *ahem* WAR that will be
Undertaker/Vince) curtain-jerking here, but actually this
wasn't the first time the WWE Champion opened up Series.
The other time was in 1990 when Ultimate Warrior captained his
team of Animal, Hawk & Kerry Von Erich in the evening's
opener. And yes, much like life itself, Hawk & Von
Erich didn't survive that night either. Oh
well.
The
commentators almost immediately put over the sheer size of the
team nicknamed "Team Beef", which to me sounds like the name
of an especially disturbing gay porno movie. Or, it could
be a slap in the face to Chris Benoit, whose home province of
Alberta's lucrative cattle industry is
currently being crippled by a mad cow disease
scandal. I wouldn't put it past WWE to create a subtle insult
to our nation through a team name no one on earth would get or
understand. Or maybe that was just my joke.
Whatever.
The match
is now underway, and BIG TIME MAIN EVENTER Hardcore Holly,
gets himself disqualified right out of the hop, for channeling
the same rage and intensity he had when he bested Mantaur 8
years ago. Which I think is the last time this motherfucker
won a match. Huh. And all he had to do to get a main event
program was be really unprofessional at his job. Go figure. By
this logic, I should go throw a hot cup of coffee in a
co-worker's face tomorrow. I'll be VP by
lunch.
Anyway, with the huge gaping void (not Lita) left
by Bob Holly's absence, and because no one could find the
phone number of other potential "main eventers" Koko
B. Ware, Sonny Trout and Iron Mike Sharpe to take his place,
Kurt Angle's team is left at a serious disadvantage. However,
Bradshaw remedies this almost immediately, acting as the proverbial bottle of "Nair"
to A-Train, cutting him down with the "Clothesline
from Hell", and sending him back to the showers, where
his copious amounts of body hair will no doubt soak up all the
water, and cause a drought in Texas. Almost immediately
after though, Bradshaw misses another clothesline on
(Well it's the) Big Show, and gets eliminated
after a choke-slam.
Anyway, this just leaves Benoit, Angle
and Cena against Show, Lesnar, Morgan and ex-con Nathan
Jones, whom I'm somewhat upset never had the opportunity
to pair up with Bradshaw tonight, seeing that both have likely
beared witness to more collective shower-room rapes than
any two on the roster. Oh well. Out next is Matt Morgan by way
of Kurt Angle and his Angle slam after Nathan Jones
accidentally kicked him in the face. WAIT. NATHAN JONES HIT A
KICK? Dear Lord, that's a first. Turns out though he was
probably aiming for Benoit who was on the apron. But
hey, whatever, you take what you can get. However,
Nathan the Milkman doesn't get much of a chance to
celebrate executing his first ever actual contact in
pro-wrestling, because he taps out to Angle's Anklelock
several seconds later. He then goes back to the dressing room
and resumes his role of providing internally manufactured
creamer straight from his glands for Vince McMahon's
coffee. Got to love Pro wrestling. The only place on
Earth a man's chest can produce milk, but a
Diva's cannot. Anyway, in just about the same time it took me
to pen that terrifying visual, Kurt Angle is quickly scooped
up from behind and F-5'd by Lesnar to get eliminated. Holy
shit. This fucking match is like watching the movie Final
Destination on fast forward.
Anyway,
we're down to a standard tag match, as this leaves only
Lesnar & Show against Benoit & Cena. Benoit
eventually, after several attempts, snares Lesnar in the
cross-face for the shocking tap-out. Cena then
gets a blind tag, as Show choke-slammed
Benoit, and crowns Show with his chain and manages
to get him up for the F-U and scores the winning pin. Man,
that was one rushed match. I guess Vince decided this match
would only last about as long as it'd take for him to
finish masturbating to Brock's
team.
Winners
& Survivors: Chris Benoit & John Cena, who shake
hands after that match. They would have hugged, by that's a
physical impossibility for Chris.
-Vince and Shane have a moment backstage. Vince
then somehow secretly steals more of Shane's youth, as I
get the visual of there being a secret picture of a hundred
year old Vince hidden somewhere in Titan Tower ala
Dorian
Gray. But
seriously, something's fishy. Shane seems to age like 5
years every time I see him. From there,
Vince runs into Stone Cold in the hallway, and the two
exchange laughs at each other's expense. I suspect Steve was
really laughing though because he makes almost two
million dollars a year for just driving a
fucking dune buggy around. I'd be all smiles
too.
(C) Molly
Holly w/ hymen vs. Lita w/o hymen: Women's
Title.
Never in
the history of wrestling have two different women been more
juxtaposed. Molly Holly of course is renowned for being a
real-life virgin, while Lita could likely identify the penises
of many of the world's most famous luchadors from a police
line up. Molly's virginity however makes her beloved with
fans around the world, as they too can relate to her vow
of celibacy. Unfortunately for them though, Molly is only a
virgin by choice. Poor bastards.
Anyway, this is Lita's first title shot since returning
from a one year injury after breaking her neck on the set of
Dark Angel. Funny, the only injury I'd get on the set
of Dark Angel is carpel tunnel syndrome from masturbating to
Jessica Alba. But god bless Lita. No one can say she just
limits her spot blowing to the ring. Anyway, Molly carries Lita's Sabu-esque offense
(HOMICIDAL! SUICIDAL! GENOCIDAL! Umm, SPERMICIDAL!) to a
decent match here. Lita dominates much of the offense,
hitting a big powerbomb, and a follow-up Russian leg
sweep, or leg sweep as it's known in the former Soviet Union,
to set up a potential Moonsault, which was of course invented
by Buzz Aldrin in 1969, then cut from the moon landing video.
True story. However, Molly rolls clear, and hits a huge Molly
Go Round for an incredibly close two count. Man, for a
proud virgin, I find it ironic that her finish sees her
hurl her vagina upside down into your face. If I was able to
ever pick my own death, this is how I'd like to go out.
Molly, then out of
desperation, loosens the 2nd turnbuckle and drop-toe holds
Lita face first into the exposed metal for the
win.
Winner and
STILL champion: Molly Holly. The only person involved in
wrestling outside of Stacy Keibler to own real breasts. And
sadly, this list also includes The Rock. Who
knew?
/5
-Kane/Shane video package. Botched limo
decapitations, battery cables to the nuts, and flaming
dumpsters. It's just a shame they couldn't have thrown the
collective works of Brian Gerwirtz into
that dumpster too while they had the
chance.
Kane vs. Shane
McMahon: Ambulance Match.
What is WWE's fucking preoccupation with
having matches where you stuff people into things? God
forbid someone get fucking pinned in a match. Anyway, this is
of course an "Ambulance Match" which is basically just a poor
man's casket match. Or maybe a rich man's, because Ambulance's
cost more than caskets. I don't know. All I do know
is the only way you "win" this match is to put your opponent
inside the Ambulance and CLOSE THE DOOR. The Humanity!
"I hate you SO
Much, I'm going to roll you into a vehicle specifically
designed to get you to a hospital as fast as possible, thus
stopping any potential long-term injuries! FEEL MY
WRATH!"
Anyway, the two men go at it right away, and Shane ends
up hitting a flying elbow through the Spanish announce table.
Poor Hugo and Carlos. They usually get another two hours to
prepare themselves before their world explodes all around
them. They take the carnage
backstage and Shane backs an SUV into Kane sending him
cascading through some glass. Considering
what Shane's done to Kane in the last month though, this
is like the equivalent of a fucking chinlock. The shark wasn't
just jumped here, he was harpooned and eaten. Shane then
grabs a walkie talkie, and says "send it!" Wait. Where the
fuck did he get a walkie talkie from? That shit just
materialized out of no where. Man, Shane's like a real
life equivalent to Solid Snake, carrying tons of fucking
shit on him, but none of it is visible. In the ensuing chaos,
there's some audio glitches, and we hear a phantom voice say
"I'm at the end of my rope". I can only assume that this
is a member of WWE creative about to commit suicide after
reading a draft of Stephanie's impending RAW script. Or
perhaps, it's God himself, relaying how we all feel about this
feud. Anyway, back in the arena, the two brawl in and around
the ambulance. Shane botches a tornado DDT on top, and of
course tries it AGAIN, and yes, Kane doesn't see it coming.
Holy shit, Kane's as bad as one of HBK's opponents who always
turn around despite that ominous loud thumping behind
them only meaning one fucking thing. Shane then grabs a box of STUFFING,
err, LETHAL STUFFING~!, and sets it beside Kane who is in
Shane-Terminator position. Shane then climbs to the top of the
ambulance and delivers said Terminator, absorbing the blow
with the box of padding. You know, for a guy who just a few
weeks ago tried to decapitate Kane by remote controlling a
limo containing him into the side of a truck, he sure is
suddenly looking out for his best interests. "Sure I
tried to burn you alive again and then murder you with my car,
but damn it, if I don't put this box down first here, SOMEONE
MAY GET SERIOUSLY HURT". Yup. Shane then tries to
stuff Kane into the ambulance, but Kane reanimates, after
obviously not being incapacitated by the brutal pillowy box he
was just driven through, and tombstones Shane on the
concrete, and then stuffs him into the Ambulance to win
the match... and negate
those 60 plus consecutive Shane McMahon house show wins
over him. THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE A MAIN
EVENTER~!
Winner:
Kane. A man who's living proof that if you want to maim your
arch rival and rid him from your life for good, it's
probably best not to lay a series of pillows down for him
to fall on.
/5
-Backstage, Brock claims that he didn't really
lose tonight. Hey, it's the Survivor Series! Losses and
undefeated streaks don't count here. History has proven it.
Anyway, Goldberg enters and introduces himself to Lesnar, thus
negating that theory from Timecop that two entities of identical matter cannot
exist in the same space. Fucking Timecop. Next thing you know,
they'll tell us using a device
to apprehend criminals on the lam through various
stages of time isn't possible
either.
-Jonathan Coachman comes out to the
ring, cutting a brief promo, informing us that
doctors have cleared him... to do...something? Wait,
why would you need medical clearance to contribute absolutely
nothing to the industry? Man. He then interviews Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban who is
sitting at ringside. Cuban states that he can't wait for
Austin to beat up Bischoff, which brings out Easy E. himself.
Bischoff invites Cuban into the ring as the crowd chants
"Cuban" repeatedly, marking the first and only time you'll
hear Texans speak of a Cuban with any sort
of affection. Cuban shoves Bischoff down but Randy
Orton materializes out of thin air for the
Sports-center moment and RKO's Cuban. JR then flips
out in disgust over this, but I laugh to myself at the
prospect of Orton renaming his RKO "The Trade Embargo" for one
night just so I could hear JR bellow "Cuban's suffering the effects of a cruel
Trade Embargo!" Sadly, this only amuses me, and I
get puzzled stares from the other people in the room.
Perhaps it's because I don't live here and just broke in and
turned on their TV about an hour ago.
Maybe.
-Backstage, Evolution parties with strippers.
LADIES LOVE TRIPLE H. Or at least *someone* on
Creative wrote it that way. Man, who'd have a vested
interest in suddenly portraying him as
an irresistible sex symbol? What a head
scratcher.
Los
Guerreros vs. (C) Homolition: (The Bashams) : WWE TAG TEAM
TITLES
For the
record, The Bashams are still wearing their homoerotic S&
M gear here. However, I'm guessing the "S" part is directed at
us, the viewing audience who is subjected to their push, while
creative itself provides the "M" by subjecting them
to this terrible fucking gimmick. Poor hapless bastards.
Even worse though, is the fact that they seem to create a
reaction coming out and in the ring, so void of heat,
that there has never been a sub-temperature recorded in human
history that it could be properly gauged against. The
fact that Eddie Guerrero, IN TEXAS, couldn't get the fans
to care is a testament to this fact. Dear God. These guys are
the wrestling version of the fucking Ice age. Maybe they can
form an alliance with the equally heatless A-Train. After all,
every Ice-Age needs a Woolly Mammoth.
Anyway,
since I could care less (I could actually.) I'm going to
bottom line this one. Guerrero's look good at first, but
eventually The Bashams regain the advantage after a
double slingshot on the ropes, ridiculously called
by Cole "a classic Basham double team maneuver". Classic? Dear
God. I guess by this logic Orlando Jordan is a grizzled
veteran, and fucking Jon Heidenreich is a Hall of
Famer. Anyway, eventually, after interfering
several times, Shaniqua gets dragged into the ring, and Eddie
frog splashes her, so Chavo can give her a spanking.
Ha. In real life, diving onto a woman with your body and
knocking her out so your buddy can touch her ass gets you jail
time. Trust me on that. But don't worries, I am
appealing.
With that
said, Chavo looks to possibly finish a Basham with his
tornado ddt (the one with no personality in the black
pleather pants. Oh.) but he accidentally kicks Eddie with his
foot, and the distraction is enough for Doug to roll him up as
he checked on his fallen uncle for the
win.
Winners
and still champions of a world, somewhere out there, who
hopefully care about them, because no one here does: The
Bashams.
/5
-Video
package for the Austin vs. Bischoff feud. This whole animosity
stems from the fact that Eric once fired Austin in WCW
because he couldn't find a way to market a guy in "black
trunks and black boots". Ya, clearly there was no money to be
made in WCW by a bald guy with a goatee that fits that
description...
Team Austin (HBK,
Booker T., RVD, & The Dudleys) vs. Team Bischoff
(Y2J, Randy Orton, Christian, Mark Henry &
Scott Steiner;)
Poor Lance
Storm. He was apparently originally supposed to be a part of
this match, to further his push, but WWE opted to put HBK in
at the last minute. Lance was however compensated by the
office by being given a huge penis. Heh. I can just
imagine that conversation. Office: "Lance,
we've decided to instead stick you with a huge
dick". Lance: " HHH is making a me a member of
Evolution?". Haha, Ok, maybe not. But I like my version
of the story better.
Anyway,
this was easily the best match of the night, made even better
once they got the fucking luggage out of the way. And speaking
of which, Scott Steiner and his chain-mail hat is the
first to go, after The Dudleys gave him a tandem
neckbreaker and Booker finished him with the Book-End. And
just in time too. His shift guarding the one true cup of
Christ was about to begin. That was close. Almost immediately
after, The World's Strongest Man (you know once the other 16
dudes who beat him in the Olympics die) Mark Henry pins
Booker with the "World's Strongest Slam". But hey, how
do you know it's the Strongest in the World unless you
take every one? Yup. Soon after, Henry bites the dust (and
probably any food he can get his hands on backstage! Did I
mention those hands could tear PHONE BOOKS in half?) after The
Dudleys gave him a 3D and RVD hit the five star frog-splash.
The three then gang pin Henry to send him packing. Henry then
goes backstage and crushes some APPLES and bends random
metal bars in ANGUISH AND FRUSTRATION, and just because that's
what really strong guys do in their spare time according
to WWE. Out next is RVD, whose fucking "Educated Feet"
get umm, sent home from school early? courtesy of
an RKO by Orton. Out next is both Dudleys in succession,
as D-Von goes out by Jericho after a twilling flashback (which
clearly should have been how Rob went out), and Christian
takes Bubba out with an Unprettier. Fortunately, Bubba wasn't
that pretty to start with, so it's all good. This just leaves
HBK all by his lonesome against Orton, Jericho &
Christian.
All three men take it to Michaels, who gets busted wide
open on the outside by being sling-shotted into the post by
Christian. CHRISTIAN ON CHRISTIAN VIOLENCE~! A feud between
these two makes so much sense on so many levels. I mean,
Armageddon is coming next month, right? IT'S PERFECT.
Hell, they can even bring Rhyno back to RAW and add him
to the equation. BEWARE THE MARK OF THE (MAN) BEAST! Christian
then rolls HBK back inside, but he manages to get off a sudden superkick
on Christian and falls atop of him for the pin! Jericho comes
in and beats him down immediately, and after a brief HBK
comeback, Jericho misses a lionsault, but ducks a HBK
superkick attempt and looks to apply the Walls;
however, HBK counters out with an inside cradle that gets the
pin! Jericho however, grabs a chair and nails HBK after his
elimination.
This just
leaves Orton vs. HBK. It's Creation vs. Evolution, round two,
and considering Orton seems to be disturbingly sprouting
wood here, I can only assume he must be representing Homo
Erectus. Orton goes for a cover, but HBK kicks out at two. The
referee then gets wiped out after Orton and HBK crashed into
him after a cross body attempt. HBK then looks to
finish Orton with some Sweet Chin Music, but Bischoff
runs in and attacks Michaels with some of his patented
Kung-Food offense, but Austin returns the favor by stunning
Orton. It's anybody's match here, when
suddenly Batista runs in, strangely sans pants, and gives
HBK a sit-out powerbomb. I could have sworn Batista was
wearing clothes at the Evolution party
earlier. Funny, when I plan to run in and spontaneously
attack a guy, I don't suddenly get the urge to kick my pants
off first. Oh, Batista then pulls Orton on top, and he gets
the winning pin!
Winner
& Sole Survivor: Randy Orton; As a result, this "ends"
Steve Austin's WWE career. Oh noes! Who'll be put over the
talent that actually has to go out and make a
living wrestling for the company now? Ah, I
kid.
-After the
match, Austin helps up HBK who says he's sorry. Austin then
says "What the fuck are you jabbering on about? I'll be
back in three weeks anyway."
[Sean's
note from 2007: And he was! This time as a "Sheriff". I guess
he figured the best way to get out of future Domestic
abuse charges was for he himself to become the arresting
officer....]
Austin
then comes back to the ring for his farewell, and tells
the crowd that he started his career in Dallas. From
there, Coach comes out with "security" and clearly not
independent wrestlers. All cops have crew cuts and tribal
tattoos after all. Austin then beats the shit out of
Coach to the delight of the crowd. I could point out that a
white guy with a skinhead was destroying a black man
who was begging for mercy as rednecks cheered him on, but
even fucking Carrot Top is blacker than Coach,
so no harm, no foul.
Vince McMahon vs. The
Undertaker: Buried Alive, which ironically enough is
also the working title for Rob Van Dam's
autobiography.
Cole puts over that this is Undertaker's "match", which
is ironic because he's lost almost all of them. Same with Hell
in a Cell's and Casket matches. By this same logic,
I guess Cole would be a hit with a ladies, and great at
his job. Hilariously,
one of Tazz's "Key's to victory" earlier for Vince was:
"Avoid the Hole". Sound advice that someone should have
probably given Sylvain Grenier when he first came to
the WWE. Could have probably saved him a lot of grief. But
seriously, how is that even advice to Vince? That'd be
like saying to someone heading into combat: "Avoid being
shot", wouldn't it? Jesus.
Anyway, Undertaker decimates Vince from the
opening bell, and busts him wide open, much like HBK was in
the previous encounter. Man, you have to wonder how many innocent lives could
have been saved with transfusions from this
fucking PPV. Oh well. All you'd have to do is show
them a video of Mark Henry wrestling from earlier, and they'd
willingly give their lives. Clearly. From there, Undertaker
WORKS VINCE'S LEG. Why? What sense does that make? That'd be
like stomping on a guy's toes in a boxing match. In what
possible way would this
completely incapacitate Vince to be buried alive?
Dear lord.
Soon after, Taker gets a shovel and smashes it
over Vince's head. Normally, this is enough to umm, kill a
normal senior citizen, but not Vince! Being the head of a
corporation makes you impervious to harm! Go ahead and try and
run Donald Trump over some time. Your car will just explode
around him! It's true. Taker then crushes Vince's ankle with
the steel steps, and carries him to the gravesite. But before
he can roll him into the grave, Vince gets a desperation low-blow and hits Taker in the
head with the shovel. Undertaker of course no sells it
too, and pulls Vince into the hole (I guess he didn't
listen to Tazz's sage advice after all).
From
there, Undertaker looks to have Vince beat, when he goes
toward the back-hoe parked over by the grave,
to dump the dirt on Vince to finish... when
suddenly a pyro explosion goes off and "blinds" him
as Kane climbs out of the loader and peppers Taker with a few
punches and rolls him into the grave after pulling Vince
out. Vince then drops a huge load of soil onto Taker for the
"win". Oh, ok. But just one question: How does being
BLIND knock you out cold? Who knew PARALYSIS was a side-effect
of lack of vision! It's a miracle people like Stevie
Wonder and Ray Charles can even walk! Clearly in their
state they should be confined to wheel chairs!
Yup.
Winner:
Vincent Kennedy McMahon. The future of the business. He really
needed the rub here if he's ever going to go onto accomplish
anything in this industry....
/5
-HHH vs.
Goldberg video package. $100,000 bounty collected by Batista.
I guess when the other "bounty hunters" were Rodney
fucking Mack and Steven Richards, it wasn't exactly a
close race. It's just a shame they aborted what appeared to be
a HBK/Goldberg rivalry. I was hoping to see a match between
the two, just to see who God roots for. Or maybe I just wanted
them to rename No Way Out "Yahweh Out" for a
future match between them. Oh well.
HHH w/ Ric
Flair vs. (C) Goldberg w/ 4 more months of mediocrity to
go: World Heavyweight
title
Got to love the fact that there's been no
mention of whether or not Undertaker is STILL FUCKING
ALIVE. They just immediately segue to the World Title
match. I'd love to see other forms of entertainment
also gloss over really important information
for upcoming hyperbole like WWE. "We have just
learned that a nuclear strike has taken place on American
soil. Millions are possibly dead. Stay tuned for
Frasier!"
Anyway,
Trips is back from his HHHoneymoon, and is totally bloated. In
fact, he looks like he may have polished off one
of those six-foot wedding cakes all by himself.
Either that, or one of the boys in the back has ribbed him by
putting gravy in his water bottle.
Goldberg
is of course coming into this thing "injured" after Batista
collected the bounty and took out his ankle; but hey, if
you really wanted to incapacitate Goldberg enough to
win back your belt, I'd just encase myself in glass, and when
he instinctly punches through it and lacerates himself again,
I'd wait until he bled out enough to the point where he passes
out completely, and then pin him. Of course
that's just me....
With that said, Goldberg actually does a decent
job of selling the ankle as HHH worked over his leg with a
number of leglocks. Strangely, we seem to running a little
late, and this one is likely going to get cut
down due to time restraints. What can you say, sometimes
miracles do happen. Goldberg ends up
making a comeback with some clotheslines, but Flair ends up
handing Trip's a pair of brass knuckles, which he uses, but
this only gets two. Hunter then gets
frustrated with Hebner's count and drops his
patented "angry ref-hating armpit" onto Baby Earl taking
him out of the equation. Flair tries again to get
involved but this just lights a fire
Menorah under Goldberg, and he gets press
slammed by Goldberg for his troubles. HHH of course grabs
his trusty sledgehammer from there, but Goldberg gets a hold
of it, and takes out the other members of Evolution who try
and interfere, before dropping it in lieu of his own hammer...
the jackhammer, bitch, which was preceded by a spear to retain
the title. Speaking of hammers, I'm surprised WWE hasn't had
Goldberg bring a literal jackhammer into this feud to
counteract sledgy. It seems like something WWE
would do seeing how painfully clichéd they are
sometimes. But then again, I forgot, Linda McMahon banned
all piledrivers, remember?
HIYO.
Winner
& Still World Heavyweight Champion: Goldberg. I wonder if
he'll make it to Chanukah with the belt. I can't imagine that
huge belt getting over too well in Synagogue, though.
Moses wasn't exactly too forgiving on
those Golden idols, remember? WHO'S NEXT!...TO READ FROM
THE TORAH!
End
show.
FINAL
THOUGHTS: Total one match Pay-per-view here. But
everything else was completely inoffensive, and relatively
decent. It's just a shame the Ambulance took off with Shane so
fast. Once they dig up Undertaker, that'd have probably really
came in handy. By the way, speaking of which, IS THE
MOTHERFUCKER EVEN ALIVE? No one's said anything yet. When
the arena staff cleans up that dirt tomorrow, they're in for
one hell of a
surprise...
Thumbs
up.
/5