 WWE SURVIVOR SERIES
2004(11/14/04)
Hey there,
Cowboy, I’m Sean Carless, and welcome to the one time
"Thanksgiving night tradition" that has since given way
to the "completely inconsequential random mid-November Sunday
tradition": THE SURVIVOR SERIES!
But
before I get to the festivities, I have to admit I'm taken
aback by the official event poster, (seen
right) that is obviously purposely drawn in a
GTA-like fashion. Hopefully, this means we'll
see Eddie Guerrero suddenly going into business for
himself tonight, concluding with him savagely
murdering both Triple H and JBL with a variety of
interchangeable weaponry that he'll be able to toggle through
at will, before being chased in his low
rider by the police in circles while he randomly runs over
identical people in the
crowd.
But
hey, it could be worse. You could be Rey Mysterio
there, who judging by the poster is only some 11 inches
tall, and strangely only about half the size of
Eddie G's entire head. No wonder he had such trouble
beating him for the Cruiserweight title in WCW!
But that all pales
in comparison to Booker T; who looks less like the 5-time
WCW champion we remember, and more like a strung out
homeless guy, who'll cut your throat for moving his shopping
cart full of tin cans. Which I'd imagine would only contain 5
for the sake of gimmick continuity. That's right. Dear
god. All that rambling for a fucking
poster...
Tonight’s
show comes to us from Cleveland, in the beautiful state of
Ohio! You know, the state that just a couple of weeks
ago in the election, pretty much guaranteed that if
there’s ever another plight to retrieve fake
hidden weaponry from random Arabic
countries, your tired ass just may be fitted with
pair of camouflage khakis whether you like it or
not….
Onto the
show~!
-Pay-per-view
opening took a look back at the previous 17 Survivor Series.
Little is made however of that now infamous Survivor
Series Screwjob. I mean, Bam Bam Bigelow facing 4 Doinks at
once? Is there no justice? *Ahem*.
-On
Heat, La Résistance battled a team THEY'VE NEVER EVER
FACED...this week, Rosey & the Hurricane! And the
good news? Rosey's a full-blown (as in inflated) SUPER HERO
now! He might want to think about changing his name though.
It's kind of hard to keep your secret identity, umm, "secret"
when you still use the same fucking name. "I don't know
who you are Rosey, BUT I WILL GET TO THE
BOTTOM OF IT!" Anyway, La Rez won with an Au Revoir on
Hurricane, which is French for goodbye, which is carny for
HOLY SHIT WE ONLY GOT TWO TAG TEAMS AND THEY'LL APPARENTLY BE
WRESTLING EACH OTHER FOREVER. Come on, motherfuckers, get your
heads in the game.
Onto the live
broadcast~!
(C)“Evil Spock” Dudley vs. Billy Kidman
vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio: 4-way Cruiserweight Title
match.
Hey, Spike has apparently traded in
his Dudley-esque camouflage pants for some shit brown
slacks last seen being worn by my Garbage man. A garbage man
who wears no shirt, apparently. I imagine this is how
the garbage men dress in the Village in New York. That's
right. Anyway, your story here is that Spike is
FINALLY your Cruiserweight champion, after someone
finally figured out, that yes, a 150 pound guy is indeed
a cruiserweight, defending against former champion Rey
Mysterio, the returning Chavo Guerrero, and the man who
crushed him with a shooting star press, the now
evil Billy Kidman. Apparently, you can now become a
heel just by accidentally injuring people all the time. YET,
fucking Ahmed Johnson was always booked as a
babyface. Go figure.
Anyway, fast
paced opener here, as they opted to have all four go at it at
once as opposed to having to tag in and tag out. It also works
much better because unlike the triple threat, they don't all
have to pretend to be spontaneously unconscious on the floor
at interchangeable times. Remind me to never play basketball
with 2 other WWE superstars. I think I'd get bored
lying out cold on the fucking court waiting a half
hour to come into the game.
That
said, Spike and his evil goatee try to plancha over the ropes
onto Rey & Chavo on the floor, but they just side-step,
and Spike crashes and burns. WHY HAS NO ONE EVER THOUGHT OF
THIS BEFORE. Man. "Yup, here comes my opponent
leaping over the ropes. Clearly, my best bet is to try and
catch his hurdling body...BLARGGGGGGHHH". Anyway,
it's at this point, Cole, in typical Cole fashion, states that
Chavo & Rey are "great friends". They are? Since when?
Isn't this the same motherfucker who tried to rip Rey's
mask off and generally ruin his life like maybe 7 months ago?
I know whenever I get my head crushed
by some reckless dude, all my enemies
don't suddenly want to start fucking crashing at my
house and exchanging Christmas gifts. What's Chavo's
secret? After a lot of high
spots, Rey ends up countering a Dudley Dog by drop-toe
holding Spike neck first on the middle rope, and a 619 is
delivered. But before Rey can go
for the West Coast Pop, Billy Kidman yanks him to the floor.
Cole says that Kidman does this because his main agenda is to
hurt people and not win the title. Hey, fuckhead, YOU CAN DO
BOTH. Dear god. From there, Chavo is back in, and
hits the Gory Bomb and covers Spike, only Kidman breaks that
up with a slingshot leg drop, and Spike rolls over and
collects the pin while Kidman & Rey battle on the
floor.
Winner: Spike Dudley's evil goatee.
Hopefully, the true, good, clean-shaven Spike can one day
find a way to return from that seemingly
inescapable parallel universe he's eternally imprisoned
in . (not OVW).
 /5
-Backstage, Heidenreich is
being given a pep-talk by his manager Paul Heyman. Huh.
Come pay-day, I hope Heidenreich is smart enough
to only accept money-orders. Just saying. He is then
confronted by Snitsky. The two
share some really disturbing grunts and groans with one
another (all without passing the toilet paper under the stall,
which is the only place these sort of shared noises are
acceptable). Snitsky reveals that he “likes Heidenreich’s
poetry”, while Heidenreich returns with “I like what you do to
babies.” Wow. there's a compliment you can't really give
anyone without expecting a punch in the face. Hilarious.
The two then go their separate
ways, but not before Snitsky says “I’ll see you soon”. I'd
make the guess that the Pro-choice Snitsky was offering up his
potential services to a miraculously pregnant Heidenreich, but
as Cole can account, you have to actually not exclusively
take/give it in the ass to get someone
pregnant. Yup.
Christian w/ Tyson Tomko w/ PROBLEM SOLVING
ABILITIES. vs. (C) Shelton Benjamin for the
Intercontinental Title;
Hey!
Christian has new completely unidentifiable theme music!
And WWE is releasing a new CD of random songs this
Tuesday! And this song is on it! What are the
odds! He also has new ring gear with a jacket that reads
"CAPTAIN CHARISMA". Originally, Tomko was going to wear
his matching jacket, but the seamstress backstage had
a hard time adhering the letters "N" and "O" in front of the
"Charisma" iron-on. Oh well. This is course for Shelton's
newly won Intercontinental Title, which was THE WILL OF
THE PEOPLE last month at Taboo Tuesday. Although, the fact
that his competition included Rodney Mack and Chuck Palumbo
may have played somewhat of a part in that. That'd be like
running against a mound of horse-shit in the Presidential
election. Wait. Bad
example.
Excellent match here. Just
great psychology. I’m really digging Shelton in the 1991 Bret
Hart role of “catch as catch can” Intercontinental
champion. The umm, black and, umm, black attack is back!
Or something! Anyway, Christian puts his 'Problem Solver'
Tyson Tomko to good use multiple times in this one. This
week's problem? How to both suck and blow at the same time.
But if anyone can figure out that equation, it's Tyson Tomko~!
Ah, I kid. The "problem" here that Tomko actually
solves is what is the best way to get a Shelton Benjamin from
point A to point B without the referee seeing it. He
accomplishes this ramming Benji into the apron then rolling
him back inside.
Once back
inside, Christian gets a big second rope reverse DDT for 2,
but Shelton kicks out, because THERE AIN'T NO STOPPING
HIM NOW. Did I mention the CD is available this Tuesday? More
nearfalls from Xian from there, but Shelton rallies and
slingshots him into the buckles. He then goes for the Stinger
splash, but Christian moves. This allows Tomko to "solve the
problem" of sliding the belt into the ring; and Christian
tries to use it, but Shelton boots it in his face, and goes
upstairs to, as JR put it, THE HIGH RENT DISTRICT. Well, we’re
movin on up, to the east side.To a deluxe apartment in the
sky. Movin on up to the east side. We finally got a piece of
the pie! Shelton then gets a flying clothesline, but the power
of Christ(ian) compels Christian to kick out.
From there, as
the ref is tied up with Christian, Tomko gets involved AGAIN,
which somewhat surprised me, because most guys with skinheads
and tattoos usually tend to love minorities! Ahem. Anyway,
Tomko delivers the big boot, and something miraculous happens…
it ACTUALLY connects! And for one brief instant, the stars are
aligned, and there's peace on Earth! Then just like that,
Tomko goes back to stinking. Oh well. It was still the best 5
seconds of my life. Second only to having sex, which strangely
enough occurs in the same amount of time. Oh well. Anyway,
after Tomko's boot, Christian goes for a cover, but THERE
AIN'T NO STOPPING..ah, you get the picture. Benjamin kicks
out. Both men back up, and Shelton quickly floats over
Christian and hits the exploder! And although Christian does
not shatter into many pieces as the move suggests, it's still
enough for Shelton to get the pin and retain his title. GREAT
match.
Winner
and STILL Intercontinental Champion: Shelton Benjamin;
proudly representing ALL the continents. The Ocean
however apparently wants nothing to do with his
ass. That's an honor you only receive once you win the
WORLD title. True story.
 -Backstage, Kurt Angle confronts Edge
about how he (Angle) was portrayed in Edge’s book "Adam
Copeland on Edge." Angle however neglects to ask how it's
possible that Edge can have sex with himself as the title of
the book implies. Ok then.
The
two trade barbs, with Angle planting some seeds for a
potential match with Shawn Michaels, when he makes light of
Edge losing the vote at Taboo Tuesday to "a cripple".
Could be worse; he could have lost a vote to a retard. Like
John Kerry did. And speaking of retards, Eugene enters the
scene next, and he and Kurt have a tête - à -
(HUGE) tête. Seriously, either Angle's head is growing,
or his body is shrinking, but at this point, Angle could stand
next to the Easter Island statues, and no one would
notice the fucking difference. From there, Eugene irritates
Kurt by singing "you suck" to his song. And that was that.
I would have personally marked out
if Eugene revealed that he was the WWE’s first Special Olympic
Gold Medalist to add salt to the wounds. Hey, don’t laugh,
it's possible. Some of those Mongoloids can run really
fast! Especially when I’m chasing
them.
-Wrestlemania Recall: Steve Austin wins the WWF
title at Wrestlemania 14! Why the fuck are they running these
already? Wrestlemania isn't like for another 5 months, am
I right? Dear god. But hey, it was nice to see a Wrestlemania
moment for once that didn't include Hulk
Hogan KILLING Andre with a bodyslam (he died a few days
later according to Hulk... then I guess went on to wrestle for
6 more years as a zombie.). Huh. Apparently there
are other "Wrestlemania moments" after all. Who
knew? Nosferatu Andre ftw.
Team Captain: Kurt Angle, Luther
Reigns , Mark Jindrak and Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Jesus
(Aguilera, not the risen Christ) vs. Team
Captain: Eddie Guerrero, RVD, John Cena, Big Show &
hands resembling interchangeable items found in your
kitchen.
Ah, yes, our first "classic"
survivor series match. Well, not that "classic", because
the original teams consisted of 5 not 4. But I guess an
argument could be made that Big Show is really the size of two
people, and Jesus could be the unofficial 5th man on the Angle
squad. After all, Jesus is ALWAYS there. He loves his
team and he would never leave them. During their times of
trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that he carried them.
Before we get to the match, I
have to say that John Cena must have the best doctor in the
world (or somewhere along the lines he was able to drink from
the cup of Christ) to come back this fast from being STABBED
and “almost losing a KIDNEY” as Cole pointed out. And
all with no VISIBLE SCARS to boot. Man, he must have the
same surgeon that treated Kane's burns! It all makes sense
now! And wait. Wasn’t Luther also stabbed once?
Yet, HERE HE IS, TOO. All this proves to me is how much
of a PUSSY that Bruiser Brody must have been to DIE from these
same injuries! Haha.
Anyway, Cena is apparently
mad or something at Carlito for shanking him and chases him
off, as I ask myself: “What Would Jesus do?”… Jesus
Aguilera I mean. And I’ll tell you: He gets his ass kicked by
Cena also, as Carlito bails and steals a woman’s car,
speeding off, abandoning his team, and apparently being
eliminated. But hey, I gotta ask, if you're going to go ahead
and steal a car, WHY NOT TAKE EDDIE'S? IT'S RIGHT
FUCKING THERE. For a guy who stabs a dude in a night
club then brags about it openly on Television for weeks, he
sure is dumb...
Cena returns to his team’s side and
the match is now on 4 on 3. First man eliminated is
RVD, by Angle, who pins him with a school boy rollup after RVD
hit Jindrak with a five-star frog splash, and Kurt grabbed the
ropes for leverage. Eddie then immediately rolls up
Jindrak in a similar manner and eliminates him as well. It's
funny, I was a school boy once, I don't remember fellow
students trying to pin me all the time. Weird. Anyway,
Luther takes it to Big Show and clips his knee, but this just
LIGHTS A FIRE UNDER THIS MAN, AND THAT FIRE THEN IGNITES HIS
FRYING PAN HANDS, which grab Luther and chokeslam him for the
elimination. Show then takes the opportunity to fry up some
lunch is in those hands while they're still hot.
This just leaves Kurt alone against 3
men. Kurt tries to take a powder, but here's RVD, who
takes OFFENSE to this powder! Little bags filled
with marijuana? Not so much. He tosses Kurt back into the ring
where Cena is waiting with an F-U. Eddie then gets a
frogsplash, and Show covers for the pin.
Winners & Survivors: Eddie,
Cena & Show, the latter of which gets another measure of
revenge for "getting his dignity raped" last month. That's
good. So many dignity rapists get off on a technicality
these days it's sickening. It's good to see justice finally
prevail! Clearly.
-WWE 24/7 commercial airs.
Order now, and you can watch old episodes of Nitro,
overlapped with the Benny Hill theme song, whilst cutting
to a studio where Vince McMahon belly-laughs and points a
lot.
-Backstage, Jonathan Coachman brow beats
Maven. And in his case, boy is that a lot of beating. Coach
then questions whether he’s in fact a legitimate Main
Eventer. You and me both, buddy. Anyway, as Maven goes into
why he is in fact “ready”, Gene Snitsky attacks from behind
and rams him into a trunk. And why not? With Maven’s little
bald head, it’s not too hard to confuse him for being
infant-like. I could see how he'd make that
mistake.
Anyway, Maven is busted open,
and Fit Finlay and SKINNER?!! (Steve Keirn) are on the scene!
WOW. I had no idea Skinner was an agent! I wonder if they sunk
his office in Titan Tower to the bottom of a bog just to make
him feel more at home. I can just picture Skinner swimming
through the swamp with an agent's report clenched between his
teeth. It's awesome.
-Heidenreich video package.
Poetry and anal rape. Kind of like what would happen if
Lanny Poffo went to prison.
Heidenreich w/ Paul Heyman vs. The
Undertaker
Heidenreich makes his way to
the ring in a straight jacket. Hey, I hope if I’m
ever committed, I’ll get the luxury of matching pants
with my straight jacket, unlike poor Heidenreich here.
But hey, just what kind of mental institution let's its
inmates out to fucking wrestle? If only Hannibal Lectre had
chain wrestling ability, he'd have not had to go to all that
trouble to escape, and that poor security guard would
still have face. Oh well.
Anyway, Undertaker makes
his intro next, and the ring starts to fill with smoke,
and I think to myself how much braver Heyman is than what I’d
be in this situation. I mean, gas coming from the ring, and a
giant angry German on the scene? This is not a situation his
people have ever fared too well in. If I was Paul, I’d
get out of there, stat.
That said, this wasn’t the
terrible match I expected. It wasn’t anything spectacular,
mind you, but nothing embarrassing either. However, the
problem with Taker’s current character (and I’m not
complaining) is that the Dead man shtick limits what he can
really do in the ring. When he turned American Bad Ass in
2000, he lost a lot of his entertainment factor, but grew as a
wrestler, and quite honestly had some pretty good matches. Now
a days though, he’s a slave to the gimmick, and people don’t
buy the non-classic-Taker maneuvers in his current role. Maybe
they can just say there's a chapter in the Necronomicon that
bestowed him with the ability to use incorrectly applied
shoot-fighting holds. That'd be good enough for
me...
Anyway, despite what the
commentators said, this match was pretty one-sided in Taker’s
favor, and Heidenreich basically just kept
narrowly escaping defeat. The end came after Taker miffed
on the last ride finish (Heidenreich reached the ropes) but
finally finished with a chokeslam/tombstone combination. And
unlike the last psychotic tall blond guy in
this position, Heidenreich at least had the decency to
not shit himself. That's nice.
Winner: Undertaker, the world's
greatest UFC star! (Ulitimate Fighting Creature ...of the
night.).
/5
-Backstage, Maria
approaches Eric Bischoff and questions him on the State of
Maven. Holy shit, they added a state called Maven to the
Union? I can just picture it. Completely barren, except
for one long hedge that runs concurrently
across the entire state. That's right. Anyway, Bischoff
doesn't care about the plight of Maven, and won't announce a
replacement, because he doesn't care
and is about to go on vacation.
(but since Vince took great pleasure in humiliating him so
much this month, I'm thinking this "vacation" might be
kinda like the one Ralphie went on in
Sopranos...).
-Lita/Trish Stratus package.
Lita deals with her post partum depression
woes by getting the sudden urge to apply DDTs and
moonsaults, instead of just laying in bed all day. It's a
medical miracle!
Lita vs. (C) Trish Stratus for Women’s
Title;
This
isn’t even really a match, as Lita takes it to Trish right out
of the gate, and it spills to the floor. Lita then snaps and
“hits” Trish with a chair lightly in a
not-so-hardcore moment. Let’s just say the only thing stiff
during this spot was me. It's at this point, JR utters
(udders?) the line: "CARNAGE KNOWS NO GENDER." You know, axe
the "carnage knows" part off, and you'd have a pretty nifty
T-shirt for Chyna. Anyway, the chair-shot gets Lita DQ’d but she
doesn’t stop. She then Irish-whips Trish (who’s
now bleeding from the nose) into the stairs, before
applying a rear naked choke, as officials try to feverishly
pull Lita off of her. I can relate. My rear naked choke
is pretty unpopular, too. Most likely because I'm really
naked when I use it. But hey, whatever.
Winner by
Disqualification: Trish Stratus, in about a minute and a half.
Roughly the amount of time I'd take to make love to her. I'm a
DYNAMO.
 /5
Backstage, Team Guerrero is celebrating, and they
finally mention Cena’s lack of "scars" to which he answered
"that he
was born in the year 1518 in Glenfinnan, Scotland
near the shores of Loch Shiel, and he is immortal and cannot
die." Ok, I’m kidding, but I like my answer better.
Anyway, Teddy Long enters the room and a half-naked Big Show
exits, but inexplicably throws his towel at Cena, apparently
exposing the old hog log. I have no idea what kitchen utensil
Cole or JR would compare that to. Maybe a rolling pin? I don't
know. Anyway, Teddy Long then says that Cena will have his
"return match" with Carlito for the U.S. title this coming
Thursday. Dear lord, they segued Big Show's penis to a
set up for a TV match. It's official. There is no argument for
the whole "wrestling is gay" debate. You might as well
just throw in the towel. So long as it isn't the one
obstructing Big Show's cock. Dear
lord.
Booker T. vs.
(C) JBL for WWE Championship; If JBL loses he must leave
SmackDown:
Am I the only one who wonders
what kind of strange hand gesture Booker T. would have to make
in lieu of winning the Title tonight? Perhaps Book has painted
himself into a corner here with the 5-time
shtick.
Anyway, this match started off quite
awkwardly at first, but like most JBL matches this year, it
picked up once the brawling spots on the floor began. One
awkward moment saw JBL slip on the Spanish Announce table, but
the crowd thankfully didn’t shit on it. Anyway, the story here
was that Orlando kept interfering, but Booker kept regaining
control and fighting off both men. At one point, Booker looks
to have the WWE title won after a big missile dropkick, but
JBL grabs the ropes at two. This prompts Tazz to yell out
"shades of Undertaker vs. Heidenreich!". Dear lord, that there
is a measuring stick you don't want to be labeled with. You
might as well yell out to your partner during sex: "Shades of
someone who's completely fucking terrible in bed!". I
always get that one. It hurts.
Eventually, the ref gets bumped, and Orlando
blindsides Booker. This brings out Booker T's big
savior... Josh Matthews?! Dear lord. Ya,
when you're up to your eyeballs in trouble, who
better to come to your aid then a 150 pound guy that 90% of
the crowd doesn't even recognize. HARLEM HEATLESS~! Matthews
knocks Jordan out of the ring, all while wearing a
suit that makes him look like
he just came from grading 6th grade biology papers.
However, he turns around, and runs right into a JBL big boot
and clothesline. However, this is enough of a distraction for
Booker to attack JBL, and oh my, HE'S RUNNING WITH SCISSORS
KICK. But there's no count for Book because the ref is still
out cold. A second official then ran-in, but Booker only got 2
because Jordan pulled that referee out. OJ then
comes back in, and runs into a Book-end. THAT'S FOR NICOLE~!
Booker bellows. Ok maybe not.
Anyhoo, in all this by-gawd confusion, JBL
grabs the WWE Title and levels Booker for the win as the
original referee recovers and makes the
count.
Winner: JBL. Holy shit that was one
over-booked mess. I think I'd have had an easier time
deciphering the fucking dead sea scrolls then recapping
all the bullshit that went down in here. Of course,
they won't let me touch
them anymore since I tore off a few pieces to
roll joints. Oh well.
-Advertisement
for Xmas in Iraq. They're doing it again this year! I
personally think they should just book Heidenreich vs. Mark
Jindrak in the Insurgent's camp instead. We'd have
unconditional surrender by Boxing day.
-Backstage,
Batista revealed that he's talked with Snitsky & Edge, and
that they want HHH's title. Imagine wrestlers wanting the
World Title! That's unheard of! Batista then secretly confides
in Flair that he can't wait for his week to run RAW,
planting the seeds of DISSENSION~! Flair then sells the
moment with trepidation. My theory is
it's because Flair will be the only Evolution
member left, and he's dreading getting Dave's big ass up
for the piggy-back ride of death that Orton
got.
-Video package
for the final match of Survival. It's set to a tune called
"Ugly". But considering who's on the Heel team, a more
apropos title I cannot recall.
 Team Captain: Randy Orton, Chris
Benoit,Chris Jericho & Maven vs. Team Captain: HHH,
Batista, Edge & Gene Snitsky;
This is our final match of the
evening. And like the Team Eddie vs. Team Kurt match earlier,
this is indeed also a "traditional" Survivor Series match.
Meaning, the following holds are now LETHAL and can finish you
off completely where as they'd be almost USELESS in a
standard match:
-CLOTHESLINES.
-POWER
SLAMS.
-ELBOW
DROPS.
-CLUBBING BLOWS FROM THE 2ND
ROPE.
-BIG
BOOTS.
-ROLL
UPS.
-SMALL
PACKAGES.
-
SUPLEXES.
-SOMEONE TIPPING YOUR
ASS OVER WHILE YOU HAVE ANOTHER GUY
COVERED.
There. Glad I could clear that
up for you.
Anyway, if I didn't know
better, I'd say it was obvious that this match was designed to
get Orton over, much like they *attempted* with Lex Luger in
1993 in the very same situation. All Orton needs now is a
large vehicle capable of scouring the countryside like
Lex before him. I'd once again suggest a Bus,
but if some of the rumors circulating lately about Randy
and the Divas are true, I think a Honey
Wagon
might be a better choice. Dear lord.
We're now officially underway,
and just in case you cared, there's no sign of Maven. So this
is now 4 on 3 in favor of the Heels. And I for one am
HEART BROKEN. The marquee advertised MAVEN, and by
god they BETTER deliver. I for one will definitely be return-
mailing my cable bill if this is the case. Eventually.
Sometime. Maybe.
Benoit starts things off, and
holds his own against all four members of the "Four
Horse-Steroids" here.THEY HAVE MUSCLES IN PLACES THERE'S NOT
EVEN PLACES. AND THEY HAVE TINY HOLES IN THOSE PLACES
WHICH HELP MAKE THEIR MUSCLES. That's right.
Benoit eventually gets the
sharpshooter on Trips, but that gets broken up by Snitsky. I
guess it's too much to have hoped they could make it
through this entire show without that fucking hold.
Jesus. Crossface from there to Batista, but HHH breaks
that up and hits his Wrestlemania receipt Pedigree on Benoit,
and Edge tags in and gets the pin. Wow. Win one
of the biggest main-events in Wrestlemania history, and
then 8 months later get outlasted in a match by MAVEN. Good
grief.
Anyway, Snitsky and HHH argue
over who got the tag soon after, and this segues into a big
face to (acne-riddled) face confrontation between Batista
and Snitsky. Wow. It's like a "before" and umm,
"before" poster for steroid abuse. While the two argue,
HHH gets snatched by Jericho in the Walls, but luckily for
Trips, Batista finally breaks it up before HHH can tap. From
there, Ric Flair (who was in Evo’s corner) gets ejected for
tripping up Jericho on a Lion-sault attempt, and in the
ensuing chaos, Batista gets eliminated after Randy Orton gave
him a belt shot from the apron, and Jericho hits his
Enziguiri. STAY STILL SO I MAY BRAIN THEE! This
eliminates Triple H's Evolution charges, and just leaves him
alone on his squad, with his younger, more talented
counterpart, and the only guy on Earth who makes the moon's
surface seem like the smooth face of Liv Tyler in
comparison: Gene Snitsky, to depend
on.
Soon after, MAVEN returns with
his head taped up; his bountiful eyebrows apparently acting as
a pseudo air-bag, thus sparing him any permanent head trauma.
He then proceeds to open up a, umm, “cup” of whoop ass, and
even hits a variation of the MAVEN EFFECT on HHH!
However, Snitsky grows tired of Maven’s offense, and probably
his uncomfortably small trunks as well, and smashes Maven with
a chair to get disqualified. Snitsky then gives all the
remaining babyfaces a chair shot before leaving; likely
traveling to the nearest free clinic and volunteering his
services. Women just might reconsider their stance on
Parenatal life once they see this scary motherfucker. In the
interim, HHH collects the pin of Maven to *officially*
eliminate him. Well, he sure made a difference! Maven can now
join Hillbilly Jim and Koko B. Ware from the 1988 Survivor
Series in forming an all-star lame duck 'what the fuck' team
somewhere. Anywhere. Nowhere. Whatever.
This just leaves HHH &
Edge vs. Y2J & Orton. Orton is still out on the floor from
the earlier Snitsky chair shot, and Jericho eats a spear by
Edge to get eliminated, moments after he
had reversed a Triple H pedigree. This leaves Orton to
face both men; but after a short double teaming
flurry, Edge accidentally spears HHH and eats an
Orton RKO to get eliminated. This leaves just HHH and
Orton, one and one. Orton tries to finish it quickly with an
attempted RKO, but HHH goes low. He says "Bob Orton may
not even be your father! And you mother never wanted a son!"
Or maybe he just punched him in the balls.Whatever. HHH then
goes for probably the millionth pedigree in this match, but
Orton pulls a page out of Dallas Page’s book...a
book that the poor fucker can't read because he's
dyslexic, and quickly spins out of the pedigree attempt
in one fluid motion, and hits a perfect RKO to win the match,
and earn the right for his team to “run” Raw for the next
month!
Winner and sole survivor: Randy Orton; the man who
made our dreams of at least one entirely Maven ran-Monday
Night RAW a reality! And by "dream" I mean comparable to
the one where you suddenly discover you went to
school without pants.
End show.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Not a bad
pay-per-view, but then again, nothing overtly spectacular
either over-all. However, Christian vs. Benjamin delivered
even above expectations, and the main event was cleverly
booked. Hell, even Undertaker wrestling Heidenreich wasn't
nearly the life-sucking clusterfuck it could have been. My
only real complaint was the length of the Women's match.
There's absolutely no excuse for a 2 minute match on
pay-per-view. They could have saved everyone's time and just
had a skit backstage if the point was Lita just wanted to
murder Trish rather than win the title. That said, though,
there were two excellent matches, and that almost always is
enough to get my venerable thumb of full uppery. And thus it
does. Thumbs up.
Send Feedback to Sean
Carless
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he
wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's
various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling,
411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and
Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured
AIDS.
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