PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
MEGAN FOX HAS TOE-THUMBS.
Or How I learned to beat a One-Note joke into the
ground.
A discovery has recently been made that
could change the course of human history--and frequent
masturbation--FOREVER. That's right Aficionados of blowing
out the brains of the bald bull and corralling the
tadpoles, (I myself actually majored in masturbation
in 2000, graduating Magna Cum Often), Megan
Fox, best known for her
riveting, Academy-Award
winning performance in the field of ubiquitously bending
over in
2007's Transformers--and well, that's it-- has a
deep dark secret; a secret so vile that it has
actually forced me to reevaluate my lofty criterion
as to whether I'd never be in the position ever in
my life to have sex with a person like her. After all, I
have standards. A pulse for one. And that's about
it. That secret?-- TOE THUMBS.
Now,
before you ask, Toe-thumbs are indeed a real-life medical
calamity that affects 1/1 people with toes for thumbs. It's a
Pandemic sweeping the country, but apparently the
government would *rather* pester you with fake flu viruses
allegedly spread by angry and disgruntled ethnic barnyard
animals than address this true tragedy: RUINING AND
SULLYING WHAT UP UNTIL THE DISCOVERY OF
DISPROPORTIONED MUTANT THUMBS WERE NEARLY PERFECT
UNATTAINABLE WOMEN. I for one am sick of it. And
handsome.
Now,
let me say this, it takes a lot for me to sour on a woman.
A LOT. Restraining orders are
one. (But not by choice!). Secret Penises and/or
confusing or misinformed genitalia have been known
to also somewhat put me off my game. Infecting
me secretly yet purposely with the incurable immune
deficiency disease known as AIDS? That might not earn you
a call back. But TOE-THUMBS? Jesus Christ! What is she
trying to do, make me sick?
Seriously, though.
I'm not a shallow man. That would insinuate that
there was ever any water in the proverbial pool to
begin with. But still, a guy has to draw
the line somewhere, AMIRITE?
I
mean, Megan Fox had it all. She was hot. She was um, hot.
And she was something else I'll fill in later when I
finally think of it. But now, thanks to this
discovery, my perfect vision of her has been ruined with
the revelation that apparently sometime between 1986 and
now, she climbed into Jeff Goldblum's Atom-transference pod
from the Fly, and shit got mixed up bad. Feet became hands.
Hands became feet. It was anarchy.
Still don't believe me? PSHA! PEEP THIS SHIT,
YO.
The
above image has not been altered in any way.
Sadly. But, to be safe and preserve my obscenely
reputable reputation of journalistic integrity--and
redundancy-- I personally launched a full-scale investigation
into this matter. I started with miniatures first, but I
sat on them accidentally.
I was now on a mission. One
that I undertook for my fellow man. I can't remember
his name. He was nice, though. So, there I
went, researching COUNTLESS online Megan Fox
pictures for the world, scientific community and religious
pundits everywhere, in a valiant attempt
to solve the one lingering mystery that had plagued
me: Just how many consecutive times can a person whose name
rhymed with Sean Carless violate oneself to the same
airbrushed Maxim magazine
scans? It was a complex riddle to be
sure, but the answer I ultimately came up with, after creating a series
of complicated bar graphs, polls and even breaking it
down on a cellular level via all my resources
in molecular science, was-- A
LOT.
But
still. Facts were facts. She literally had a big toe for
a thumb. I may have been able to forgive this travesty if it
was a baby toe, but come on. That shit just ain't
right. If I was willing to let that go, I'd
maybe also be forced to open the flood-gates and accept
other minor flaws in people despite ignoring the
thousands I have, and, well, that'd just be
absurd.
Anyway, as much as I didn't want to believe
it, I just could not fight science. It's ground-game
was just far too solid. This ruining of
this beautiful woman-- via unsightly inverted
appendages-- was the equivalent to me of shooting a
small child in front of its mother. If that mother was a
32 year old man, and that child was Megan Fox, and shooting
them signified toe-thumbs and the general ruination of any and
all sexy possibilities.
 Ultimately, I had to
accept her fate. And my own. It was unavoidable.
Like an impending 5 year-sentence for stalking. If I
was ever going to have sex with Megan Fox via copious amounts
of alcohol, sudden riches, or nuclear holocaust leaving us as
humanity's last great hope, I would have to think of a
tactful, gentlemanly way to ask that she first fasten an
Elephant Man-like burlap sack around her hand whilst I
made passionate love to her general vicinity while
simultaneously trying not to laugh at her really
deep tattoos. It's all I could do to
cope.
And to
think, I almost once placed a bid on
an online auction allegedly selling the thong she
wore beneath her painted-on jeans in Transformers. Luckily for me,
my sanity, credit rating, immortal soul and everything
else, I ultimately declined said purchase. Or
my credit card declined me. Mostly because it
wasn't mine. Besides, I once made a vow to
myself, local authorities, the crown and a neighborhood
watch-dog program that I would never again pay
for something that I could just as easily
discreetly steal whilst a woman slumbered, tenderly make love to, and maybe even wear
around the living-room like a sexy lady. And I intended to
honor that promise. I never go back on my promises to myself,
after all. We had a falling out once, and I didn't talk to
me for almost a whole year. I'm not risking it again. We've
come too far.
I don't even remember what we're
talking about anymore.
But hey, if there is a silver lining (pun intended) to
this--and a point at all--this whole sordid mess does at
least finally explain one thing: her
long-time relationship with one Brian Austin Green, or
BAG as he's known for short by,
well, me, just because. I mean, fuck that guy,
right? I mean, sure, he was delightful as David Silver on
90210, and he was known to churn out some PHAT beats,
which I think is street slang for being gay, but what did
HE ever do to earn a piece of ass, bar Tony Robbins thumbs
like Megan Fox? I mean, if it was Joe E.
Tata, sure,
I'd buy it. That guy was the shit. In fact, I modeled my
entire adult life after him. Hell, I
even once picked up three women in one night
wearing his Peach Pit button-up. And totally off the
ground, too. I was that mighty. But David
Silver? Come on. Is nothing Holy?
Does nothing making sense? This article,
especially?
The
point is, with that sweet, sweet 90210 money dried up faster
than the ovaries of Mrs. Walsh, there HAD
to be a hook for a guy that talentless and
washed up to get a girl like Megan Fox, right? I
mean, who does this motherfucker think he is, Ian Ziering or
something?
Thankfully, however, her recent Toe-Thumb emergence has vindicated
us all from asking this question any
longer. The mystery has
indeed been solved. It is all clear now. God simply leveled the playing field. God
has rewarded us, the little people, with the once-in-a-lifetime chance to
score quality trim by way of
rare freakish abnormalities and their subsequent low self-esteems and hopefully
eventual full-blown depressions and plunge into alcoholism
as a result. We finally have a
shot! It's great.
So, yes, for those
counting, Brian Austin Green is still impossibly
worthless. Total fucking garbage. But with Megan Fox
sporting a hand like a stalk of bananas, all of a sudden BAG
was looking pretty fuckin' good. After all, David Silver
would never judge her. I mean, how could he? He made
out regularly with Tori Spelling, so after that chamber of
fucking horrors, this Frankenstein thumb shit was old hat. Which
he likely
wore because he's all trendy and
retro and shit. God, I hate him. Maybe because I once
sported a 90210 haircut in 1995 and am still sore over it. Literally. The weight
of it caused me to lose some 5 inches off my spinal
column.
That said, as
much as I hate to say it-- as I've already alienated my penis
enough as it is-- this phenomenon has also opened up
a whole flood-gate of other Hottie mutation possibilities.
It explains SO MUCH. For so MANY years. Heather Locklear.
Pamela Anderson before she was made of
more molded plastic than my 1982 Prince Adam action figure; Denise
Richards. It was a laundry list of suspects too long to remember,
and not just because I'm too lazy to try. But mostly
that.
And
the worst part? It is likely still happening
TODAY. It could be ANYONE. Clearly, there has to be
a reason Hollywood sports the world's most impressive
Douchebag:Hottie ratio. I mean, I'm a douchebag. What gives?
There HAS to be more. So very much more.
 I mean, *perhaps* the *real* reason we haven't
seen say a Scarlett Johansson nude scene, is because
she secretly has KUATO embedded into her impressive pectoral
region? Perhaps? I mean, there HAS to be a logical reason
as to why I haven't seen her naked yet. Besides the fact that
all the back-lot security guards have my picture plastered all
over the place, and discreetly smuggling a ladder, a full
ninja suit/night vision goggle combination, and high-end
recording equipment onto the sets of her films is harder
than you could possibly imagine. And apparently illegal. Who
knew.
So, yes. That's my
grave life-altering discovery and subsequent report. I
once claimed I would hit that ass like the
Fist THUMB
of
an angry god. But NO MORE. That's right, Megan Fox, I
HAVE MADE MY DECISION. I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU. YOU'LL JUST
HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. Instead, I'll just sit in the
corner of the room and masturbate in shame, crying, whilst you
pleasure yourself with a thumb that in many ways trumps my own
penis in every feasible way but attitude. I mean, sure I
do that anyway, but now I have a justifiable excuse. I'll be
back in two.
But hey, do not fret,
fans of unrealistic visions of nailing hot women the world over despite being
disgusting, poor and generally unlikable on every recognizable
level. We can still enjoy all the good non-freak
show thumb memories. And Mammary's. I
mean, we'll always have her acting. I mean, no one bends over,
squints and generally adds nothing of value to society
other than being hot better than her, right? We'll always
have that. So long as Michael Bay keeps that
banana thumb out of the tight shot.
Besides. It could be worse...
What
makes me think that after shaking her hand, she'd
suddenly have the urge to smoke a cigarette?
I'm Sean.
And
yes, I animated a photoshop of a penis thumb.
(don't
judge
me.).
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