FORMERS
THE
MOVIE
(1986)
[The following
review contains no scenes of "Blurr". Deal with
it.]
So, ya, I went and saw Michael
Bay's Transformers on opening day, and this may
come off as a shock to many-- especially those G1
(Generation-1) fans who are diligently creating a
homemade pipe-bomb as we speak for
Mr. Bay for destroying their childhoods-- but
I actually liked it. And even more so than that,
kind of loved it. Seriously. And why not?
Undiagnosed Insanity? Maybe. I however
still got what I wanted out of it,
and was just thankful that the whole thing
didn't culminate with a slew
of filthy-dirty miners trying to land on a
hurdling in-space Megatron. It's all you can
ask for really.
*Although*, if I wanted to be
picky, I guess I could mention that it
did have several other Bay trademarks,
however (except for the usual sucking part).
You know, stuff like interchangeable comic
relief characters that serve no real storyline
purpose other than to make you laugh--despite
the fact they're doing all these
Hi-larious absurdities amidst the possible
end of the world. Ya, possible world dominion by
giant talking bloodthirsty alien robots is
definitely the best time to be sarcastic and try
out new material. Good thinking. But
hey, that stuff quickly gets lost in the
shuffle, 'cause, holy shit, transforming
robots~!
Before we continue,
however, I'd be remiss if I didn't
also mention that this Megan Fox
is an attractive young lady as
well. Although, in my defense I only
masturbated once to her. The usher said something
about it being "inappropriate in a Theater",
and "illegal" and that " the Authorities had
been called". I don't get it either. And yes
fans of unattainable teenaged trim, there's
no shortage of gratuitous shots of her bending
over either. So like Kudos to Bay
there. That's one definite edge
this movie had over the
entire Transformers TV series. Because try as
I must, I just don't remember ever
wanting to fire one off in their
cervix, Galvatron-style. Score 1 for Transformers
2007. And then one more for not
violating one-self to animation. (I learned
my lesson in the late 80's when I was never
allowed back to see Little Mermaid
again).
That all said, today,
we're actually here to talk about the
*original* full-length feature Transformers film.
And I have an admission to make: I still and
have always LOVED the Transformers. From the first
day I got my Starscream action figure for my
Birthday in 1985, then subsequently lost his tiny
detachable blue fists in the park three hours
later, me and amputee Starscream were inseparable.
And little has changed. I'm still obsessed with
Transformers to a large degree. And when you take
into consideration my other obsession is PRO
WRESTLING, I think it's safe to say I'll be
leaving this mortal coil one day without an heir.
But hey, maybe that's because I always insist
on using Sound Wave-esque sound-bites during
love-making. "Semen eject! Operation:
IMPREGNATION!". Ah well, I thought it was
funny at the time. What can you do? Not equate the
most tender of acts with unloading a transforming
cassette into your girlfriends' nether-regions?
Perhaps.
Anyway, to get a full grasp on
the phenomenon that was Transformers, you have to
travel back with me to 1984. I'll bring the
jacket with 75 zipper pockets.
Ah, 1984. A time when
cartoons weren't completely saturated with
faggoty-assed Japanime teddy bears that shoot
lightning and making baby noises. Dear god. If I
ever walked in my kid emulating the
Pokemon cartoon, I'm afraid I'd have to beat them
down fucking Demolition Ax-style, just on
principle. That said, this was a great time to be
a kid, although probably a pretty shitty time to
be a parent --because sometime in 1984, the people
at Hasbro figured out that a pretty good way to
bilk an entire generation of mullet-headed
children out of their parents hard-earned money
would be to create cartoons that would subtly
double as 30-minute toy commercials. It was a
pretty good plan, as I vividly remember
begging my Father for my very
own Optimus Prime toy. Unfortunately though,
that was last weekend. I think he may have
lost all respect for me. But hey, IT TURNS FROM
TRUCK TO ROBOT as if in disguise~!
Anyway, the year is
now 1986, and after two full seasons
(with the 2nd season going over 80 episodes) of
the cartoon series that aired everyday after
school, news soon came down the wire
(attached to two biodegradable plastic
cups) that they were now making a
full-length movie. I was stoked. After all, my
ultimate life goal at 8 years old was to somehow
figure out how I myself could become a
Transformer. A goal that I eventually reached
in adulthood. Unfortunately, that
transformation was from a polite
well-mannered young man with a bright
future...to whatever it is I am today.
Transformation complete~!
Ya, so, that takes us to
the release of Transformers: The Movie. Now, I'll
walk you through some more nuances of the
Transformers and their mythos as we go along, but
there's a few things you should know before going
into this, and especially if you've never seen the
Transformers. And if this is true, Dear god, man.
Maybe stop throwing gay-assed Wii fastballs in
your parents living room and hit the video store
sometime, you lazy bastard. If they even still
have them. I steal everything I have online. So
like, watch it, but don't be like me. Or
something.
Anyway,
those *IMPORTANT* things to
remember are: The heroes are called the
"Autobots" and are led by Optimus Prime, a heroic
and benevolent leader that transforms into a red
transport truck. And their adversaries are the
evil Decepticons. As if the name Decepticons
didn't hammer that fact home. They are in
turn led by the evil Megatron. A
megalomaniacal robot that transforms into a
Walther P38 handgun at a time where Junior could
carry such a symbol without being inducted into
the bloods are shot by 60 police
officers. Megatron also the world's only
asthmatic robot. Just listen to him. Thankfully,
the animators excluded the parts where he had to
go awkwardly cough in the corner of the room
whilst everyone else had to carry on filling
Energon cubes and pretend not to notice.
Oh, and there's one other
thing: NEVER SAY THE WORD GOBOTS IN FRONT OF A
TRANSFORMERS FAN. GoBots are an abomination. And
to make a parable you can relate to, the GoBots
were the "
Carnosaur" to The Transformers
"Jurassic Park". Seriously. Comparing the two
is definitely fighting words. And if anyone
who watched cartoons well into their 30's could
actually fight or even leave their sofas on their
own power, the shit would be on, yo. I'm
telling you. --whilst sitting comfortably for
health reasons.
Let's get to the
movie!
We open up with a
shot of the movie's main antagonist, Unicron
(played by Orson Welles, who was about the size of
a planet himself by the time this was filmed so it
wasn't exactly going against type.). Unicron, is
of course a large bulbous mass that destroys
everything it touches and devours
everything in its path. Hey! Just like
Stephanie McMahon! We then cut to a planet,
populated by robots, laughing, eating(?) and just
generally enjoying their peaceful lives.
It's at this point I noticed when I was a child
that these robots had mustaches, and wondered just
how in the fuck that was even possible. Just then,
Unicron approaches the planet, and things begin to
rumble and shake. One of the robots yelled out,
"It's Unicron!" in shock, which always makes
me laugh, because if you know his name, you'd
know the fucker is a galactic planet
eater who kind of does this shit on a regular
basis. How did you not see this coming? Anyway, as
expected, Unicron attacks the planet and
devours it entirely. And by "devour", I
mean he sucks the entire thing into what
appears to by a giant sphincter. In fact, the
whole scene kind of plays out like watching
someone have a shit in reverse. After Unicron
finishes his meal, he then goes back to
aimlessly float through space. I can't say I blame
him. That's pretty much my M.O. after
consuming a huge meal. Except by "space" I
mean "living room" and by float I mean "just sit
there without pants". You get the
picture.
CUE THE OPENING CREDITS~! YES.
The Transformers theme gets the hair metal
treatment by the band Lion. It's Autonomous robots
and skinny dudes with giant white bouffant
hairdo's and pleather pants, working together
in perfect harmony! It's awesome and
relevant.
Now back to the action; we
hear the familiar Transformers voiceover. We're
told it's the year 2005 and the Decepticons have
taken back their home planet of Cybertron. You
see, this is significant because the entire plot
of the cartoons was Megatron and company
attempting to accomplish this very feat by
collecting as much energy from Earth as possible.
Wait. An evil group of war-mongering liars
whose soul purpose is to go and drain various
countries of their rich fuels for their own
nefarious use? A dude could really run a
presidential term around something like that!
Megatron in 2000~! Ahem.
Anyway,
we see Laserbeak, one of Soundwave's "spies" that
transformed from a Cassette into whatever fucking
kind of bird he was supposed to be. He records
Optimus Prime saying that they will soon strike
back at the Decepticons from their secret bases on
the Planets "Moonbase 1" and "Moonbase 2". Huh.
Like you even needed fucking Laserbeak to "crack"
that Da Vinci code. The planets are named
MOON BASE 1 & 2 .
Dear God, Optimus! Get your decidedly
disproportioned head in the game! All they
needed was an Austin Powers-esque map that
said "secret underground lair", and the hat
trick of stupidity would be
complete.
Anyway, Laserbeak flies back
to tell Megatron of the plan, who
then decides an ambush is in order, as Iron
Hide, Brawn, Ratchet and Prowl are
instructed to board a ship to head to earth
first to get the supplies needed to get r'
done. We then see Iron Hide transform into a
CUBE VAN and roll out toward the ship (in
what would be his last mission). And yes, Iron
Hide-- still in the fucking year 2005-- has
kept a cube van as his alternate mode. I guess no
one ever had the heart to tell him that only
Rapists drive those now...
Anyway, while Earth-bound, the
shuttle is ambushed by Megatron, Starscream and
several other Decepticons, and the crew is
subsequently murdered..yes MURDERED...IN A KIDS
MOVIE...by Starscream who catches a transformed
Megatron in gun-mode and unloads some heavy fire
into our heroes. And speaking of Megatron in gun
mode, the guy--despite how completely kick ass he
is-- really is useless when you get down to it;
because he requires someone to always catch his
ass when he transforms. Otherwise he'd just hit
the fucking ground, wouldn't he? That's
probably the reason why there was never a
transforming Grenade. And speaking of which,
I always wondered how it is that human beings
would be able to also wield Megatron (and
Soundwave as well in Tape deck mode) when he
weighs like 40 tons in Robot mode. And yes, this
type of shit went through my mind at 9. It's no
wonder I turned into the overwrought
critical imbecile I am today.
After the slaughter, in
typical villain fashion, Megatron speaks aloud
their intentions to ambush Earth in this very ship
and destroy the Autobots. We then hear a
still functional Iron Hide, bellow "noooooo!" with
his last gasp, as Megatron presumably blows
his head off at point-blank range with his
arm-cannon...as children likely started blubbering
around the world, and parents wondered just what
in the fuck was going on. I myself, was
also upset, but then remembered that their
shitty toy version of Iron Hide never had a head,
and was convinced this would somehow play a part
later in the film. It didn't. They just murdered
like 1/3rd of the original toy-line in like
30 seconds. Gee, I hope they have some new ones to
replace these guys with at Christmas!!!!!
Ahem.
We now cut to Earth, where we
see Hot Rod-- a reckless young Autobot, voiced by
Judd Nelson, who was last seen having a sexually
tense friendship with Molly Ringwald-- fishing
with Daniel Witwicky, the son of the TV show's
then-teenaged protagonist, Spike. There is no
mention of his grandfather and other show
regular "Spark Plug", so I guess that means
the guy is dead. I wonder if they buried
him in his fucking hard hat? Because I'll be
damned if I ever remember a scene where he wasn't
wearing it. Despite the motherfucker never being
anywhere near a construction site. The two
then spot the Autobot shuttle approaching and
the two race up to the top of "lookout mountain"
to get a better look. And since it's the "future",
I'd be remiss if I failed to mention that Daniel
is of course wearing a one piece monogrammed
bodysuit. Huh. I remember 2005, I don't remember
these things. But seriously, why is it that every
depiction of the future involves every person
wearing identical skin-tight bodysuits? And oh ya,
there's never ANY fat people. You know, the
actual complete opposite of the real
2005...
It's at this point that Hot
Rod spots Starscream looking out of the damaged
hull of the ship as it looks to land and warns the
Autobots of the impending assault. From there, a
full on battle takes place, and Blaster (who is
the Autobot version of Soundwave) sends a distress
signal to Optimus, while he battles Soundwave, and
while their respective cassettes war as well. And
speaking of Soundwave, you got to respect the
motherfucker for sticking with a Tape-deck in the
year 2005. You just know his big blue ass has seen
a CD player in the last ten years. But
noooooooooo. Jesus, he's as bad as those assholes
that'll have you believe vinyl records sound
better than CDs.
Anyway, things are not looking
good for the Autobots as Devastator (the robot
combination of all 5 Constructions) wreaks havoc
on Autobot city, until the combined efforts
of new faces (Springer, Arcee, Ultra Magnus,
Kup and Hot Rod) all get Autobot City's
defense system functional. Just then Optimus Prime
and the Dinobots arrive, and Optimus
single-handedly opens a can of whoop ass on all
the Deceptions, kicking every single one of their
metal asses in short order to the sound of
uber 80's power ballad "The Touch". In fact, just
listening to this song may compel you to perm and
feather your hair, and wear a acid-wash denim
jacket with a logo hand-drawn on the back in
indelible magic marker. You've been warned. This
of course leads to the
big Optimus/Megatron showdown we've all
been waiting for. "One shall stand. One shall
fall" says Optimus. I myself always wanted to use
this line amidst a fight, but sadly, most
people don't wait until I finish saying
it before punching me in the face and knocking me
out. Maybe one day.
The two then do battle in
spectacular fashion, and eventually Optimus
triumphs, pulverizing Megs into a cowering mess
who now begs for his life. However, Megatron is
just buying time until he can grab a lone gun
laying on the ground. Hot Rod spots this trick
however, and of course he naively jumps at
Megatron, in essence blocking Optimus from
delivering the death blow. This gives Megatron the
chance to grab said gun, and plug Optimus like 5
or 6 times. Jesus. See, this is why you
can never have any use for teenagers.
They're always in the way when you want to
incinerate your 60 foot sentient robotic
nemesis. Plus they never clean up after
themselves.
That
said, Megatron approaches Optimus, to finish him
off, but Optimus has enough energy left to deliver
the fucking POLISH HAMMER~! to Megs and
mortally wound him as well. The Decepticons then
retreat as Megatron's carcass is dragged off by
Soundwave. We then cut to a scene of Optimus
on his death bed. Wait. Death bed? Jesus Christ,
I've seen him take a hell of a lot worse damage in
the cartoon and still be back as good as new.
Of course, this was before they killed
Ratchet, the one dude who always pulled him
through. All they have left now is Perceptor.
Cybertron's first openly homosexual
Scientist. Actually, I don't know if he's
actually gay. But his voice and mannerisms
ain't exactly bettering his cause. (Although, it'd
be a good choice for him. A world where
there's a male/female robot ratio of 10,000:1
betters his scoring odds. I mean, there's got
to be a *real* reason for that giant phallic
telescope in robot mode! AHEM.).
In any event, we're told by
Perceptor that Optimus's wounds are fatal, and
there's nothing he can do. Nothing except secretly
masturbate to the brawny Ultra Magnus when no
one's looking. They must have cut that part out of
your version. Optimus then calls for Ultra Magnus,
a robot that is surprisingly similar to Optimus in
stature. In fact, in toy form, he was
IDENTICAL, except he was painted white and came
with a little fake head to disguise the fact
that THIS WAS JUST AN ALBINO OPITMUS and Dad
paid 30 dollars for something he could have just
created in the Garage. Those who lived through GI
Joe's abhorrent rip off known as "Tiger Force"
will understand my disdain for re-tooled toys. We
then find out that Magnus is an "old friend"
of Optmus's. A friend *so close* in fact that
this is the first time in 4 million years they've
even mentioned the fucker. Optimus then says that
it's to him he passes the Matrix of leadership.
Yes, The Matrix. And before you ask, this
was indeed YEARS before THAT Matrix. In fact, The
Wachowski brothers were still jerking off to their
Uhura posters (or secretly wishing they were
Uhura) in high school while Keanu
Reeves had not even contemplated
taking the red pill, and instead was
about to travel the known continuum in a
phone booth with Bill S. Preston esquire and
George Carlin. So ya, no lawsuits here.
WOAH.
Optimus soon ejects the
Matrix from his chest and gives it to Magnus,
whose first order of business is to drop the
fucking thing. Ya, you picked the right choice
there, Prime. Thankfully, Hot Rod catches the
Matrix, which seems to glow in his hands as if
this will play a part in the movie or something,
then hands it to Magnus, who puts it in his own
chest. Optimus then DIES. Seriously. They killed
off the hero of the movie inside the first 20
minutes. To say this was devastating to kids would
be an understatement. In fact, I'd dare say
this was one of the biggest blunderfucks in movie
history. And as far as kids go, this would be
akin to someone sneaking up behind Santa and
cutting the motherfucker from ear to ear
Commando-style (and trust me, I've been banned
from enough Malls at X-mas time to know how
traumatic that is for them.).
We now cut to all the
Decepticons aboard Astrotrain, who by the way has
about fifteen 40 foot robots inside him,
despite only standing 40 feet himself. It's just
then I realize I'm looking for sense in a movie
about million year old talking robots and
subsequently shut the fuck up. Just then,
Astrotrain demands they lighten their load or risk
not getting back to Cybertron. It's at this
point that Starscream takes the opportunity
to FINALLY dispose of Megatron, and throws
him out the side shuttle door along with the
damaged Skywarp, Thundercracker & the
Insecticons. To all the long-term fans of the
Transformers, this was a longtime coming as
Starscream was one of the all time great "tweener"
characters. Evil, but so charismatic you often
found yourself pulling for him. Like me. Minus the
Charisma part. Starscream then nominates
himself as their new leader, and all the
Decepticons fight amongst themselves.
We then see Megatron and his
damaged troops floating lifelessly through
space when they run into Unicron. Yes, they run
into a mobile planet. HOW IS
THAT NO ONE HAS EVER NOTICED THIS
GUY?Unicron strikes up a deal with the
mortally wounded Megatron. In exchange for a new
body, and a cure for his pesky allergies,
Megatron must destroy the Matrix of
leadership...the only
thing that can stop him. You know, on
second glance, that part probably wasn't the
smartest thing to mention. Who knew that Unicron
was one huge million foot tall Bond villain?
Megatron reluctantly agrees, and is transformed
into GALVATRON. A futuristic Laser cannon. He then
changes the Insecticons and Thundercracker into
Scourge and the Sweeps, and Skywarp into his
new 2nd in command, Cyclonus. He also gives them a
ship, and once again demands that they destroy the
Matrix of leadership. Just then Galvatron speaks,
and gone is Frank Welker's asthmatic voice, which
is now replaced with Mr. Spock's himself, Leonard
Nimoy. Too bad, too. I was really hoping Unicron
would have rebuilt Thundercracker into a giant
transforming inhaler for him. Oh well.
Soon after, we cut to
Starscream's coronation as leader of the
Decepticons, when Galvatron crashes the party and
incinerates Starscream on the spot. NOOOOOOO! Dear
God, here's an idea, Hasbro. How about just giving
these guys new looks? That way you can still move
all those fucking toys without decimating every
single character. Good thing Hasbro wasn't behind
say, E.T. Not only would the poor bastard not have
survived, but the FBI agents would have dragged
him outside, put the boots to him, set him on
fire, then fucked him with his own glowing index
finger.
That said, Galvatron looks to
set out on his own agenda from there, but suddenly
BRIGHT RED LINES OF LIGHT~! appear and he's
bombarded by the presence of his maker Unicron,
and compelled to continue on his Matrix-destroying
mission. Damn right. The only way I'm ever
becoming a parent is if I can somehow possess this
same ability. I mean, really. What's the point of
bringing life into this world if you can't bombard
them with red lines of psychic fury
and manipulate them into doing your exact
bidding through excruciating mind torture?
Exactly.
In the meantime, Unicron
decides he's hungry again and consumes both the
Autobots moonbases, while Jazz, the only other
African American Autobot (besides Blaster)
warns Earth about the impending
threat. For the record, Jazz was voiced
by the late Scatman Crothers, who let's face it,
really had no choice but to talk jivey after
his Mother named him Scatman. Nice of
his parents to map out his entire future for
him like that.
Scatman: "But I really wanted
to be a doctor!"
Mom & Dad: "That's not
how you do, Scatman. Now dance fah
us."
All kidding said, this scene
is notorious for one reason, and it's that after
Bumblebee and Spike try to blow up Unicron to no
avail, Spike utters the word "shit!"-- a real
taboo at the time for Children's movies. But I
really don't know why. Imagine how much
infinitely cooler Children's movies would be
with expletives...
Fairy Godmother: "BIPPITY
BOPPITY BOO!"
Cinderella: "Fuck
you."
(Hey, I never said it
be clever, just AWESOME.).
In any event, Unicron easily
devours both moons, and swallows Bumblebee and
Spike's ship as it tries to escape. Back on Earth,
Ultra Magnus, the new leader of the Autobots, and
presumably not a brand of extra durable condoms,
plans his strategy. Just then, Galvatron returns
to Earth and opens fire on the Autobots. The
remaining Autobots split up, as Hot Rod, Kup, and
the Dinobots take one ship, while Magnus,
Springer, Daniel and Arcee, the only female
Autobot take the other. Ah, poor Arcee. Imagine
being the only female of their species. She's got
to be their equivalent of Smurfette.You just know
every Autobot uses her as their own personal
cock-puppet. It's just too bad Iron Hide's dead,
because the visual of him bending her over
Teletran 1 yelling out "Leakin' Lubricants!"
during climax would be the greatest moment in
Transformers history. You know, once
you get past all the taboos and lifelong
psychological trauma robot porn would bring
up. But hey, if you can get past the fact that
Megatron's trigger is located where his cock would
be, and accept the fact that every time you're
firing off a round, so is he, it makes the whole
sordid issue easier to handle. Penis.
From there, Galvatron gives
chase to Magnus's ship, and eventually on the
other, accidentally, the Dinobots, Hot Rod
and Kup crash land on the planet
Quintessa. For the record, Kup is portrayed
as an elderly Autobot. How he shows
HIS age, and the others don't is beyond me. I
mean, they've already established that most
of the Autobots and Decepticons were in
stasis for at least 3 million years on
earth, so how long is it before a fucking robot
starts looking old? But all that aside, the irony
of an old robot is hilarious. After all, in real
life, the elderly are TERRIFIED of technology, and
can't even bring themselves to program their
fucking VCRs, so imagine them ACTUALLY BEING
technology? It boggles the mind.
That
said, Hot Rod and Kup end up underwater,
where Kup is disabled by a giant robot squid, so
Hot Rod fights his way through and somehow gets
Kup out of the mess before repairing him. But of
course, seeing how Kup is elderly he doesn't
appreciate it. And in reality, let's be honest,
Kup would have A HELL OF A LOT MORE jobs for Hot
Rod to do than that before he'd EVER let
him get on his way. Anyone with annoying
grandparents knows exactly what I'm talking
about. "Ya, while you're down there soldering
my arm, lad, how about taking the trash out, too?
And after that, I got these boxes in my
basement. If you could just move
those...".
We then cut to Ultra Magnus
and crew landing on the Planet of Junk.
And they mean it literally. All they needed
to hammer it home was old Fred
Sanford waddling out. Wuh, wuh wuh wuh wah wah
wuh, wuh wuh wuh wah wah
wawawa! In any event, The
Autobots and Daniel, who has been suited with his
dad's old "exo-suit" (which as well remember were
completely commonplace in 2005) exit the ship
and help themselves to the junk, which angers
the planets inhabitants, the Junkions-- a race of
robots who like their robotic counterparts at the
beginning of the film also possesses robot
mustaches. And oh ya, they speak entirely in TV
catchphrases, led by Wreck-gar, voiced by Monty
Python's Eric Idle.
Anyway, back to Hot Rod &
Kup. Despite escaping the underwater pitfalls
earlier, They soon run into the
Sharkticons. Kup tries the universal greeting of
"BAH-WEEP-GRAAAAANAW-WEEP NEENEE BONG", a
language reputably invented by
this
man. Unfortunately, it doesn't
work, and soon the duo find themselves captured,
which of course Kup probably somehow blames
on Hot Rod. But hey, call me crazy, but I bet
under that harsh exterior lies a heart of
gold~!!!
Soon after, Hot Rod & Kup
find themselves imprisoned, along side a
cell containing the sole survivor of the
world seen devoured during the film's opening
by Unicron. And of course, he fills in our heroes
on the peril's of Unicron, before being
immediately sentenced for execution after
serving his purpose. The only thing that would
have made it better is if he yelled out "I had
only one more day until retirement!" before being
dropped into the Sharkticon tank, just to, you
know, hammer home those movie clichés a
little bit more.
We now cut back to the Planet
of Junk where the Autobots repair their shuttle.
Man, it's a good thing they spontaneously landed
on a planet that just happened to have every
single part they were looking for. And yes, this
does happen ALL THE TIME. Just the other day, I
was dropped off in the middle of the woods, and
there I found all the parts needed to repair by
broken Xbox. I guess I was just lucky. That said,
things get bad pretty quick when Galvatron and his
troops attack. And in retaliation, Magnus TRIES TO
OPEN THE MATRIX OF LEADERSHIP. For this.
Seriously. Didn't Prime tell your big
ass earlier that it was only to be used to
'light your darkest hour'? (I insist it's engraved
with "Caution: Only open during Darkest Hour.
-Thanks. Optimus.").
Seriously, Magnus, an attack
from about 6 Decepticons is your darkest
hour? This shit happens ALL THE
FUCKING TIME. Clearly, Prime picked the right
man for the job. Anyway, as expected, The Matrix's
opinion of darkest hour and Magnus's obviously
differ, and Magnus is unable to get the thing
opened, and as a result the Sweeps reign laser
fire upon him that causes him to EXPLODE. Explode
into perfectly symmetrical little pieces mind you,
that call me crazy, just might be able to be
neatly re-assembled in about 10 minutes. Lucky
him. But hey, irregardless, that had to suck. It's
definitely been a bad day to be a giant
Matrix-harboring Transport truck, that's for
sure.
With that Galvatron takes
possession of the Matrix, and decides to double
cross Unicron with it. "With this I shall make you
my slave!" says Galvy. "Noooooooooooooo!"
says Unicron in the depths of space. Dear God,
Unicron; you didn't see this coming? YOU TOLD HIM
IN EXPLICIT DETAIL THAT IT WAS THE ONLY THING THAT
COULD STOP YOU. What did I say about Unicron
being the world's biggest Bond Villain? Hell, we
even saw sharks with laserbeams! Holy
shit.
From there, Hot Rod and Kup
are now brought before the tribunal of
Quintessons. A race of creatures whom apparently
have nothing better to do with their time than to
try and execute every asshole who rolls through
town. Anyway, as for the Quintessons themselves,
we are eventually told during the 3rd season that
they actually created the
Transformers. Just how giant fucking eggs
with only tentacles for hands could create
intricate machinery is anyone's guess. Anyway, the
Quintessons, have five faces, hence the Quint
part, and all five find Kup & Hot Rod
innocent...then summarily sentence them to death
anyway, and drop them into the
shark pit. Finally, a justice system I
can get behind! You can't tell me a
Sharkticon pit wouldn't have came in pretty
fucking handy during Paris Hilton's trial.
Hell, they're probably the only things that
haven't eaten Paris Hilton these days.
Once in the tank, the duo
fight their way through underwater, and decide the
best course of action is to drive in circles until
the water creates a whirlpool and they can
drive right out, physics be damned. Clearly had
Ted Kennedy thought of this scenario at
Chappaquiddick, he'd
probably be President right now. Ahem.
Once on dry
land, Kup and Hot Rod fight off the multitude of
Sharkticons, but look overmatched, but never fear,
because here comes the Dinobots and their new
friend "Wheelie" (whom I purposely didn't mention
earlier) to make the big save! And you might
be asking yourself, "Who the fuck is Wheelie?" to
which I'll answer "Exactly." You see, Wheelie, is
an annoying androgynous funboy who speaks in
rhymes and gets to live while the other Autobots
who paid their dues get annihilated. It's a cruel
world where a guy like Iron Hide gets his head
blown off, but fucking Elmo in car form gets to
live. That said, The Sharkticons look to attack,
but are ultimately intimidated by Grimlock (the
T-Rex leader of the Dinobots). He then tells
them to instead just turn on the Quintessons,
which they do. Huh. A group of slow-witted
shapeless people who'll seemingly do pretty
much exactly what they're told? Maybe the
Sharkticons are wrestling fans? Could
be?
From there, Hot Rod, Kup, The
Dinobots & Wheelie look for an escape. Wheelie
points out a large cork-screw shaped ship,
and suggests they take that, thus rising
his stock from "completely useless and deserves to
be incinerated" to just "deserves to be
incinerated". The Autobots then steal the
cork-screw ship and set a course for the
Planet of Junk. And speaking of Cork-screw ships,
I always imagined this would be the shuttle Jake
Roberts would use if he ever was an
Astronaut. After all, if the cork-screw is that
big, imagine the size of the bottle of wine! Maybe
I just wanted to use that joke, sue me.
Meanwhile on Planet of Junk,
The Junkions come out of the wood work
(junk-work?) and a battle ensues between them and
the Autobots to Weird Al music. It's true. And a
more intimidating battle Anthem I cannot think of.
However, in the midst of the battle, here
comes Hot Rod and company to break up the party,
as he offers Wreck-Gar a peace offering of
Energon, while spouting the Universal
greeting--and this time it works! Then,
for some strange reason, a full-on Gay robotic
hoe-down takes place, and everyone starts line
dancing. Seriously. Hell, Wheelie even explores
his burgeoning sexuality and kisses Grimlock.
What the fuck? There's dancing, hugging, groping
and loving! And this all goes on despite the fact
that their interim leader Ultra Magnus lay in a
smoldering heap like 5 feet away from them, and
their sacred vessel, the Matrix is in the hands of
the enemy. Why everyone chose THIS
exact moment to explore their cybernetic
bi-curiousness, I have no idea. In any event, they
do all stop soon after, and realize, "Umm, ya, I
guess we better do something about dead Ultra
Magnus here", before likely throwing one in Arcee
just to regain their masculinity. The Junkions
then reveal that they can fix Magnus up as
good as new, which is exactly what they do, and
like 25 seconds later he's reassembled and fully
functional! Which of course leads to the question
of WHY DID OPTIMUS PRIME DIE FROM 6 SHOTS, YET
MAGNUS EXPLODES AND CAN BE RETURNED AS GOOD AS
NEW? Someone get back to Earth already and get
fucking Optimus' corpse, and bring
it there. It's a much better option then
sticking with the dude who got blown up like 5
minutes into his leadership term. In any event,
The Autobots now set out to reclaim the Matrix,
and are now joined by the Junkions who take their
own ship.
Meanwhile,
Galvatron returns to Unicron, wearing the Matrix
around his neck like a blinged out necklace.
YEAHHHHHH BOYYYYYYYY. GALVA GALV is the one
that makes to mos' money! Galvatron then reveals
again his intentions to make Unicron his
slave, but Unicron's answer is to transform into
his full robot form...SLOWLY. Oh so tediously
slowly. In fact, I think an old man putting on his
knee-high socks after getting out of the pool at
Seniors swim moves at a faster pace. But he
is imposing. As the look of complete and
utter horror on Galvatron's face tells the story.
A look not seen since I walked in on my friend
Jason's mom nude once. From there, Unicron reveals
that his intention is to destroy Cybertron, which
upsets Galvatron to no end! "Destroy
Cybertron? THAT'S WHERE I KEEP ALL MY STUFF!"
Ok, he didn't say that, but he should have. In the
meantime, Unicron decides to just swallow
Galvatron, and the remaining Decepticons open fire
on him, which he easily shakes off. Soon after,
The Autobots and Junkions arrive and join in on
the fight, as Unicron begins stomping and smashing
at Cybertron. Hot Rod, driving the corkscrew
manages to steer the ship towards Unicron's face
and eventually drives it right through Unicron's
eye! Man, you'd think Unicron would have an eye
made of something a little more durable then
glass, but what do I know? Now the poor
bastard is blind. Although, the visual of a
million foot tall 
robot
with sunglasses and cane and a cup of pencils
is pretty hilarious.
Now inside
Unicron, Hot Rod falls down a passage, while
Arcee, Kup, Springer and Daniel fall down another.
It's there that they fight off tentacles with
buzz-saws and the like inside Unicron's digestive
system. What, you don't have buzz-saws in
your stomach? Well, they're there. You just need
the right microscope to see them. Clearly. While
they're fighting that off, Hot Rod ends up in a
darkened part of Unicron's stomach where he sees
Galvatron and the Matrix. Galvy looks like he's
ready to cut a deal, but once again, RED LINES OF
FURY compel Galvatron to still do Unicron's
bidding. And since it was the 80's,
I was hoping they'd have cued up a special redux
of the Police's Roxanne just for this scene.
UNICRONNNNNNNNNN! YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON THE
RED
LIGHT!...
With that, Galvatron
overwhelms Hot Rod, and grabs him around the neck
and begins to strangle him to death...you know,
despite the fact Hot Rod possesses no throat and
doesn't breath air. But hey, it's the thought that
counts.
Meanwhile, back to Kup &
the Gang in the stomach. They continue fight
off more of the stomach's defense system.
Somewhere in all the chaos, though, a laser
blast goes astray and blows a hole in the
wall, and everything floods with water. Completely
inexplicable water. It's just then I get the
visual of Unicron earlier in the day filling a
giant paper cup at one of those office water
jugs. Anyway, in the chaos, Daniel is separated
from the pack and somehow finds his way into a
room, where a hanging conveyer belt is dropping
random robots into a vat of acid. He then spots
his Dad, Jazz and Bumblebee in line to be dropped,
and Spike begs Daniel to close the lid. It's at
this point, *I* would have bartered to get some
new shit out of the old man before even
contemplating following his instructions, but hey,
I'm a "bad person" as people like to say. Long
story short, Daniel manages to close the lid and
everyone is safe! Even Jazz! This movie has
created a new precedent: BOTH Black characters
LIVE. What a wonderful tool this movie is when it
comes to race relations. Well, except for that
whole complete racial stereotyping thing.
Meanwhile, back to Hot
Rod/Galvatron; somehow, in his last dying
gasp, Hot Rod grabs the Matrix. Cue Stan Bush,
You've got the Touch! You've got the Power! And
with that, Hot Rod grows a swank mustache and cuts
the sleeves of his denim jacket..err, I mean, he
becomes RODIMUS PRIME. Just then I get the visual
of all the previous Prime's laughing
hysterically inside the Matrix. "Haha
"Rodimus". And the fuck
is actually going along with it! Sucker!".
Anyway, with his
transformation, Rodimus grows triple his size and
bench presses Galvatron over his head and tosses
him through Unicron's stomach and into space.
Funny, I've tripled in size, and I possess
no unique changes, other than maybe a
heart murmur. Why is he so
special? Hot Rod then opens the Matrix saying
"now light our darkest hour!" as Unicron begins to
react violently to the energy bursting through his
vital umm, organs. All the Autobots then transform
and drive out, even Daniel, who somehow transforms
in his exo-suit, without breaking every bone in
body. It's there we get to see Rodimus's new
alternate mode... a fucking WINNEBAGO.
Seriously. Perfect for going on a
weekend camping trip? Definitely. Leading the
Autobots into intergalactic war? Umm, not so
much. At this point as well, I should mention that
Kup, as predicted earlier, is now incredibly
proud of Rodimus. "I knew you had it in you,
lad" he says, before eventually muttering :
"Now could you go into the backyard and
tighten the bolt on my hose, it's been leaking.
And while you're there could you maybe carry
those sacks of soil for my garden to the front?
Thanks, lad."
With that they all drive out
the other undamaged eye of Unicron, which
now makes him utterly useless, but does open
up some great new possibilities in soul music for
him. Hell, Stevie Wonder can't eat worlds, right?
Unicron has the definite advantage! Unfortunately
though, his burgeoning music career would have to
wait, as he just explodes, but not before
bellowing out "You cannot stop my
destinnnnnyyyyyyyy!". But hey, how does he know
that blowing up wasn't his destiny? Because if so,
he accomplished that quite well. Roll that around
in your mouth and see how it tastes.
Our closing scene is back on
Cybertron where Rodimus Prime gives an
inspiring speech to the troops as the new
leader of the Autobots. Wait. Why is HE leader?
What, because he opened the Matrix when no one
else could? If I was an Autobot, I wouldn't let
this King Arthur shit fly. So much for
seniority. I guess we know now that the
Autobot's aren't unionized. Oh, ya, parting words:
"The Cybertronian Wars are over!... Umm, until
September when Season 3 starts, but hey, until
then everything's hunky-dory! To All are one!".
And hey, there's Unicron's head just
left circling Cybertron. Nothing potentially
dangerous about that! Ahem. Let's just let the
fucking thing coast out there! What's the
worst that could happen? The End.
Final Thoughts: This movie is
awesome, and is better than you or anything
you could ever accomplish. I wish I had two more
arms so I could give them titties, err, I mean
Transformers four thumbs up. That said,
things kind of went down hill fast for the
franchise soon after. Hasbro obviously realized
that killing Optimus Prime was a mistake and
resurrected the guy by the end of Season 3 (along
with Starscream). And good thing too, because
Rodimus ended up being HORRIBLE as leader.
Basically he turned into one big whiny Emo
mess. (Rodemo Prime?). In fact, I wouldn't be
surprised if Rodemo's story eventually ended with
him sitting in a parking lot in Winnebago mode
listening to Linkin Park on his computer
stereo, muttering how "no one could
ever understand his pain", while slowly
cutting his gas lines with a razor blade. Still
though, THUMBS WAY UP.
I'm
Sean.
Sean Carless is a man
of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Wrestlecrap, Honky Tonk
Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal
Wrestling. He has also cured
AIDS.
