[The
following review contains no scenes of "Blurr". Deal with
it.]
So, ya, I
went and saw Michael Bay's Transformers on opening day, and
this may come off as a shock to many-- especially those G1
(Generation-1) fans who are diligently creating a homemade
pipe-bomb as we speak for Mr. Bay for destroying
their childhoods-- but I actually liked it. And even more so
than that, kind of loved it. Seriously. And why not?
Undiagnosed Insanity? Maybe. I however still got
what I wanted out of it, and was just thankful that the
whole thing didn't culminate with a slew
of filthy-dirty miners trying to land on a
hurdling in-space Megatron. It's all you can ask for
really.
*Although*,
if I wanted to be picky, I guess I could mention
that it did have several other Bay trademarks,
however (except for the usual sucking part). You know,
stuff like interchangeable comic relief characters that
serve no real storyline purpose other than to make you
laugh--despite the fact they're doing all these
Hi-larious absurdities amidst the possible end of the
world. Ya, possible world dominion by giant talking
bloodthirsty alien robots is definitely the best time to
be sarcastic and try out new material. Good thinking. But
hey, that stuff quickly gets lost in the shuffle,
'cause, holy shit, transforming robots~!
Before we
continue, however, I'd be remiss if I didn't
also mention that this Megan
Fox is an attractive young lady as
well. Although, in my defense I only masturbated
once to her. The usher said something about it
being "inappropriate in a Theater", and "illegal" and
that " the Authorities had been called". I don't get it
either. And yes fans of unattainable teenaged
trim, there's no shortage of gratuitous shots of her
bending over either. So like Kudos to Bay
there. That's one definite edge this movie
had over the entire Transformers TV series. Because try
as I must, I just don't remember ever wanting to
fire one off in their cervix, Galvatron-style.
Score 1 for Transformers 2007. And then one more for
not violating one-self to animation. (I learned my
lesson in the late 80's when I was never allowed back to see
Little Mermaid again).
That all said, today,
we're actually here to talk about the *original*
full-length feature Transformers film. And I have an admission
to make: I still and have always LOVED the Transformers.
From the first day I got my Starscream action figure for my
Birthday in 1985, then subsequently lost his tiny detachable
blue fists in the park three hours later, me and amputee
Starscream were inseparable. And little has changed. I'm still
obsessed with Transformers to a large degree. And when you
take into consideration my other obsession is PRO WRESTLING, I
think it's safe to say I'll be leaving this mortal coil one
day without an heir. But hey, maybe that's because I
always insist on using Sound Wave-esque sound-bites
during love-making. "Semen eject! Operation:
IMPREGNATION!". Ah well, I thought it was funny at the
time. What can you do? Not equate the most tender of acts with
unloading a transforming cassette into your girlfriends'
nether-regions? Perhaps.
Anyway, to get a full grasp on
the phenomenon that was Transformers, you have to travel back
with me to 1984. I'll bring the jacket with 75 zipper
pockets.
Ah, 1984. A time when
cartoons weren't completely saturated with faggoty-assed
Japanime teddy bears that shoot lightning and making baby
noises. Dear god. If I ever walked in my kid
emulating the Pokemon cartoon, I'm afraid I'd have to beat
them down fucking Demolition Ax-style, just on principle. That
said, this was a great time to be a kid, although probably a
pretty shitty time to be a parent --because sometime in 1984,
the people at Hasbro figured out that a pretty good way to
bilk an entire generation of mullet-headed children out of
their parents hard-earned money would be to create cartoons
that would subtly double as 30-minute toy commercials. It
was a pretty good plan, as I vividly remember begging my
Father for my very own Optimus Prime toy.
Unfortunately though, that was last weekend. I think he
may have lost all respect for me. But hey, IT TURNS FROM
TRUCK TO ROBOT as if in disguise~!
Anyway, the year is
now 1986, and after two full seasons (with the 2nd
season going over 80 episodes) of the cartoon series that
aired everyday after school, news soon came down the wire
(attached to two biodegradable plastic cups) that they
were now making a full-length movie. I was stoked. After
all, my ultimate life goal at 8 years old was to somehow
figure out how I myself could become a Transformer. A
goal that I eventually reached in adulthood.
Unfortunately, that transformation was from a
polite well-mannered young man with a bright future...to
whatever it is I am today. Transformation complete~!
Ya, so, that takes us to
the release of Transformers: The Movie. Now, I'll walk you
through some more nuances of the Transformers and their mythos
as we go along, but there's a few things you should know
before going into this, and especially if you've never seen
the Transformers. And if this is true, Dear god, man. Maybe
stop throwing gay-assed Wii fastballs in your parents living
room and hit the video store sometime, you lazy bastard. If
they even still have them. I steal everything I have online.
So like, watch it, but don't be like me. Or
something.
Anyway, those *IMPORTANT* things to
remember are: The heroes are called the "Autobots" and
are led by Optimus Prime, a heroic and benevolent leader that
transforms into a red transport truck. And their adversaries
are the evil Decepticons. As if the name Decepticons didn't
hammer that fact home. They are in turn led by the evil
Megatron. A megalomaniacal robot that transforms into a
Walther P38 handgun at a time where Junior could carry such a
symbol without being inducted into the bloods are shot by 60
police officers. Megatron also the world's only asthmatic
robot. Just listen to him. Thankfully, the animators excluded
the parts where he had to go awkwardly cough in the
corner of the room whilst everyone else had to carry on
filling Energon cubes and pretend not to notice.
Oh, and there's
one other thing: NEVER SAY THE WORD GOBOTS IN FRONT OF A TRANSFORMERS FAN. GoBots
are an abomination. And to make a parable you can relate to,
the GoBots were the "Carnosaur" to
The Transformers "Jurassic Park". Seriously. Comparing
the two is definitely fighting words. And if anyone who
watched cartoons well into their 30's could actually fight or
even leave their sofas on their own power, the shit
would be on, yo. I'm telling you. --whilst sitting comfortably
for health reasons.
Let's get to the
movie!
We open up with a shot of the
movie's main antagonist, Unicron (played by Orson Welles, who
was about the size of a planet himself by the time this was
filmed so it wasn't exactly going against type.). Unicron, is
of course a large bulbous mass that destroys
everything it touches and devours everything in its
path. Hey! Just like Stephanie McMahon! We then cut to a
planet, populated by robots, laughing, eating(?) and just
generally enjoying their peaceful lives. It's at
this point I noticed when I was a child that these robots had
mustaches, and wondered just how in the fuck that was even
possible. Just then, Unicron approaches the planet, and things
begin to rumble and shake. One of the robots yelled out, "It's
Unicron!" in shock, which always makes me laugh, because
if you know his name, you'd know the fucker is a
galactic planet eater who kind of does this shit on a
regular basis. How did you not see this coming? Anyway, as
expected, Unicron attacks the planet and devours it
entirely. And by "devour", I mean he sucks the entire
thing into what appears to by a giant sphincter. In fact, the
whole scene kind of plays out like watching someone have a
shit in reverse. After
Unicron finishes his meal, he then goes back to aimlessly
float through space. I can't say I blame him. That's pretty
much my M.O. after consuming a huge meal. Except by
"space" I mean "living room" and by float I mean "just sit
there without pants". You get the picture.
CUE THE OPENING CREDITS~! YES.
The Transformers theme gets the hair metal treatment by the
band Lion. It's Autonomous robots and skinny dudes with giant
white bouffant hairdo's and pleather pants,
working together in perfect harmony! It's awesome and
relevant.
Now back to the action; we
hear the familiar Transformers voiceover. We're told it's the
year 2005 and the Decepticons have taken back their home
planet of Cybertron. You see, this is significant because the
entire plot of the cartoons was Megatron and company
attempting to accomplish this very feat by collecting as much
energy from Earth as possible. Wait. An evil group of
war-mongering liars whose soul purpose is to go and drain
various countries of their rich fuels for their own nefarious
use? A dude could really run a presidential term around
something like that! Megatron in 2000~! Ahem.
Anyway, we see Laserbeak, one of
Soundwave's "spies" that transformed from a Cassette into
whatever fucking kind of bird he was supposed to be. He
records Optimus Prime saying that they will soon strike back
at the Decepticons from their secret bases on the Planets
"Moonbase 1" and "Moonbase 2". Huh. Like you even needed
fucking Laserbeak to "crack" that Da Vinci code. The
planets are named MOON BASE 1
& 2 . Dear God, Optimus! Get your
decidedly disproportioned head in the game! All they
needed was an Austin Powers-esque map that
said "secret underground lair", and the hat trick of
stupidity would be complete.
Anyway, Laserbeak flies back
to tell Megatron of the plan, who then decides an ambush
is in order, as Iron Hide, Brawn, Ratchet and Prowl are
instructed to board a ship to head to earth first to get
the supplies needed to get r' done. We then see Iron
Hide transform into a CUBE VAN and roll out toward the
ship (in what would be his last mission). And yes, Iron
Hide-- still in the fucking year 2005-- has kept a cube
van as his alternate mode. I guess no one ever had the
heart to tell him that only Rapists drive those
now...
Anyway, while Earth-bound, the
shuttle is ambushed by Megatron, Starscream and several other
Decepticons, and the crew is subsequently murdered..yes
MURDERED...IN A KIDS MOVIE...by Starscream who catches a
transformed Megatron in gun-mode and unloads some heavy fire
into our heroes. And speaking of Megatron in gun mode, the
guy--despite how completely kick ass he is-- really is useless
when you get down to it; because he requires someone to always
catch his ass when he transforms. Otherwise he'd just hit the
fucking ground, wouldn't he? That's probably the reason
why there was never a transforming Grenade. And speaking
of which, I always wondered how it is that human beings would
be able to also wield Megatron (and Soundwave as well in
Tape deck mode) when he weighs like 40 tons in Robot mode. And
yes, this type of shit went through my mind at 9. It's no
wonder I turned into the overwrought critical imbecile I
am today.
After the slaughter, in
typical villain fashion, Megatron speaks aloud their
intentions to ambush Earth in this very ship and destroy the
Autobots. We then hear a still functional Iron Hide,
bellow "noooooo!" with his last gasp, as Megatron
presumably blows his head off at point-blank range with
his arm-cannon...as children likely started blubbering around
the world, and parents wondered just what in the fuck was
going on. I myself, was also upset, but then remembered
that their shitty toy version of Iron Hide never had a head,
and was convinced this would somehow play a part later in the
film. It didn't. They just murdered like 1/3rd of the
original toy-line in like 30 seconds. Gee, I hope they have
some new ones to replace these guys with at Christmas!!!!!
Ahem.
We now cut to Earth, where we
see Hot Rod-- a reckless young Autobot, voiced by Judd Nelson,
who was last seen having a sexually tense friendship with
Molly Ringwald-- fishing with Daniel Witwicky, the son of the
TV show's then-teenaged protagonist, Spike. There is no
mention of his grandfather and other show regular "Spark
Plug", so I guess that means the guy is dead. I wonder if they
buried him in his fucking hard hat? Because I'll be
damned if I ever remember a scene where he wasn't wearing it.
Despite the motherfucker never being anywhere near a
construction site. The two then spot the Autobot shuttle
approaching and the two race up to the top of "lookout
mountain" to get a better look. And since it's the "future",
I'd be remiss if I failed to mention that Daniel is of course
wearing a one piece monogrammed bodysuit. Huh. I remember
2005, I don't remember these things. But seriously, why is it
that every depiction of the future involves every person
wearing identical skin-tight bodysuits? And oh ya, there's
never ANY fat people. You know, the actual complete
opposite of the real 2005...
It's at this point that Hot
Rod spots Starscream looking out of the damaged hull of the
ship as it looks to land and warns the Autobots of the
impending assault. From there, a full on battle takes place,
and Blaster (who is the Autobot version of Soundwave) sends a
distress signal to Optimus, while he battles Soundwave, and
while their respective cassettes war as well. And speaking of
Soundwave, you got to respect the motherfucker for sticking
with a Tape-deck in the year 2005. You just know his big blue
ass has seen a CD player in the last ten years. But
noooooooooo. Jesus, he's as bad as those assholes that'll have
you believe vinyl records sound better than CDs.
Anyway, things are not looking
good for the Autobots as Devastator (the robot combination of
all 5 Constructions) wreaks havoc on Autobot city, until
the combined efforts of new faces (Springer, Arcee, Ultra
Magnus, Kup and Hot Rod) all get Autobot City's defense
system functional. Just then Optimus Prime and the Dinobots
arrive, and Optimus single-handedly opens a can of whoop ass
on all the Deceptions, kicking every single one of their
metal asses in short order to the sound of uber 80's
power ballad "The Touch". In fact, just listening to this song
may compel you to perm and feather your hair, and wear a
acid-wash denim jacket with a logo hand-drawn on the back in
indelible magic marker. You've been warned. This of course
leads to the big Optimus/Megatron showdown we've all
been waiting for. "One shall stand. One shall fall" says
Optimus. I myself always wanted to use this line amidst a
fight, but sadly, most people don't wait until I
finish saying it before punching me in the face and
knocking me out. Maybe one day.
The two then do battle in
spectacular fashion, and eventually Optimus triumphs,
pulverizing Megs into a cowering mess who now begs for his
life. However, Megatron is just buying time until he can grab
a lone gun laying on the ground. Hot Rod spots this trick
however, and of course he naively jumps at Megatron, in
essence blocking Optimus from delivering the death blow.
This gives Megatron the chance to grab said gun, and plug
Optimus like 5 or 6 times. Jesus. See, this is why
you can never have any use for teenagers. They're
always in the way when you want to incinerate your 60
foot sentient robotic nemesis. Plus they never clean up
after themselves.
That said, Megatron approaches Optimus,
to finish him off, but Optimus has enough energy left to
deliver the fucking POLISH HAMMER~! to Megs and mortally
wound him as well. The Decepticons then retreat as Megatron's
carcass is dragged off by Soundwave. We then cut to
a scene of Optimus on his death bed. Wait. Death bed?
Jesus Christ, I've seen him take a hell of a lot worse damage
in the cartoon and still be back as good as new. Of
course, this was before they killed Ratchet, the one dude
who always pulled him through. All they have left now is
Perceptor. Cybertron's first openly homosexual
Scientist. Actually, I don't know if he's actually gay.
But his voice and mannerisms ain't exactly bettering his
cause. (Although, it'd be a good choice for him. A world
where there's a male/female robot ratio of 10,000:1
betters his scoring odds. I mean, there's got to be a
*real* reason for that giant phallic telescope in robot mode!
AHEM.).
In any event, we're told by
Perceptor that Optimus's wounds are fatal, and there's nothing
he can do. Nothing except secretly masturbate to the brawny
Ultra Magnus when no one's looking. They must have cut that
part out of your version. Optimus then calls for Ultra Magnus,
a robot that is surprisingly similar to Optimus in stature. In
fact, in toy form, he was IDENTICAL, except he was
painted white and came with a little fake head to disguise the
fact that THIS WAS JUST AN ALBINO OPITMUS and Dad paid 30
dollars for something he could have just created in the
Garage. Those who lived through GI Joe's abhorrent rip off
known as "Tiger Force" will understand my disdain for
re-tooled toys. We then find out that Magnus is an "old
friend" of Optmus's. A friend *so close* in fact that
this is the first time in 4 million years they've even
mentioned the fucker. Optimus then says that it's to him he
passes the Matrix of leadership. Yes, The Matrix. And
before you ask, this was indeed YEARS before THAT Matrix. In
fact, The Wachowski brothers were still jerking off to their
Uhura posters (or secretly wishing they were Uhura) in
high school while Keanu Reeves had not even contemplated
taking the red pill, and instead was about to travel
the known continuum in a phone booth with Bill S.
Preston esquire and George Carlin. So ya, no lawsuits here.
WOAH.
Optimus soon ejects the
Matrix from his chest and gives it to Magnus, whose first
order of business is to drop the fucking thing. Ya, you picked
the right choice there, Prime. Thankfully, Hot Rod
catches the Matrix, which seems to glow in his hands as if
this will play a part in the movie or something, then hands it
to Magnus, who puts it in his own chest. Optimus then DIES.
Seriously. They killed off the hero of the movie inside the
first 20 minutes. To say this was devastating to kids would be
an understatement. In fact, I'd dare say this was one of
the biggest blunderfucks in movie history. And as far as kids
go, this would be akin to someone sneaking up behind
Santa and cutting the motherfucker from ear to ear
Commando-style (and trust me, I've been banned from enough
Malls at X-mas time to know how traumatic that is for
them.).
We now cut to all the
Decepticons aboard Astrotrain, who by the way has
about fifteen 40 foot robots inside him, despite only
standing 40 feet himself. It's just then I realize I'm looking
for sense in a movie about million year old talking
robots and subsequently shut the fuck up. Just then,
Astrotrain demands they lighten their load or risk not getting
back to Cybertron. It's at this point
that Starscream takes the opportunity to FINALLY dispose
of Megatron, and throws him out the side shuttle door
along with the damaged Skywarp, Thundercracker & the
Insecticons. To all the long-term fans of the Transformers,
this was a longtime coming as Starscream was one of the all
time great "tweener" characters. Evil, but so charismatic you
often found yourself pulling for him. Like me. Minus the
Charisma part. Starscream then nominates himself as
their new leader, and all the Decepticons fight amongst
themselves.
We then see Megatron and his
damaged troops floating lifelessly through space when
they run into Unicron. Yes, they run into a mobile planet.
HOW IS THAT NO ONE HAS EVER NOTICED THIS GUY?
Unicron strikes up a deal with the mortally wounded
Megatron. In exchange for a new body, and a cure for his
pesky allergies, Megatron must destroy the Matrix of
leadership...the only thing that can stop
him. You know, on second glance, that part
probably wasn't the smartest thing to mention. Who knew that
Unicron was one huge million foot tall Bond villain?
Megatron reluctantly agrees, and is transformed into
GALVATRON. A futuristic Laser cannon. He then changes the
Insecticons and Thundercracker into Scourge and the
Sweeps, and Skywarp into his new 2nd in command, Cyclonus. He
also gives them a ship, and once again demands that they
destroy the Matrix of leadership. Just then Galvatron speaks,
and gone is Frank Welker's asthmatic voice, which is now
replaced with Mr. Spock's himself, Leonard Nimoy. Too bad,
too. I was really hoping Unicron would have rebuilt
Thundercracker into a giant transforming inhaler for him. Oh
well.
Soon after, we cut to
Starscream's coronation as leader of the Decepticons, when
Galvatron crashes the party and incinerates Starscream on the
spot. NOOOOOOO! Dear God, here's an idea, Hasbro. How about
just giving these guys new looks? That way you can still move
all those fucking toys without decimating every single
character. Good thing Hasbro wasn't behind say, E.T. Not only
would the poor bastard not have survived, but the FBI agents
would have dragged him outside, put the boots to him, set him
on fire, then fucked him with his own glowing index
finger.
That said, Galvatron looks to
set out on his own agenda from there, but suddenly BRIGHT RED
LINES OF LIGHT~! appear and he's bombarded by the presence of
his maker Unicron, and compelled to continue on his
Matrix-destroying mission. Damn right. The only way I'm
ever becoming a parent is if I can somehow possess this
same ability. I mean, really. What's the point of bringing
life into this world if you can't bombard them with red lines
of psychic fury and manipulate them into doing your exact
bidding through excruciating mind torture?
Exactly.
In the meantime, Unicron
decides he's hungry again and consumes both the Autobots
moonbases, while Jazz, the only other African American Autobot
(besides Blaster) warns Earth about the impending
threat. For the record, Jazz was voiced by the late
Scatman Crothers, who let's face it, really had no choice but
to talk jivey after his Mother named him
Scatman. Nice of his parents to map out his
entire future for him like that.
Scatman: "But I really wanted to be a
doctor!"
Mom &
Dad: "That's not how you do, Scatman. Now dance
fah us."
All kidding said, this scene
is notorious for one reason, and it's that after Bumblebee and
Spike try to blow up Unicron to no avail, Spike utters the
word "shit!"-- a real taboo at the time for Children's movies.
But I really don't know why. Imagine how much
infinitely cooler Children's movies would be with
expletives...
Fairy Godmother: "BIPPITY BOPPITY
BOO!"
Cinderella: "Fuck
you."
(Hey, I never said it be
clever, just AWESOME.).
In any event, Unicron easily
devours both moons, and swallows Bumblebee and Spike's ship as
it tries to escape. Back on Earth, Ultra Magnus, the new
leader of the Autobots, and presumably not a brand of extra
durable condoms, plans his strategy. Just then, Galvatron
returns to Earth and opens fire on the Autobots. The remaining
Autobots split up, as Hot Rod, Kup, and the Dinobots take one
ship, while Magnus, Springer, Daniel and Arcee, the only
female Autobot take the other. Ah, poor Arcee. Imagine being
the only female of their species. She's got to be their
equivalent of Smurfette.You just know every Autobot uses her
as their own personal cock-puppet. It's just too bad Iron
Hide's dead, because the visual of him bending her over
Teletran 1 yelling out "Leakin' Lubricants!" during
climax would be the greatest moment in Transformers
history. You know, once you get past all the taboos
and lifelong psychological trauma robot porn would bring
up. But hey, if you can get past the fact that Megatron's
trigger is located where his cock would be, and accept the
fact that every time you're firing off a round, so is he, it
makes the whole sordid issue easier to handle.
Penis.
From there, Galvatron gives
chase to Magnus's ship, and eventually on the other,
accidentally, the Dinobots, Hot Rod and Kup crash land on
the planet Quintessa. For the record, Kup is portrayed as
an elderly Autobot. How he shows HIS age, and
the others don't is beyond me. I mean, they've already
established that most of the Autobots and Decepticons
were in stasis for at least 3 million years on
earth, so how long is it before a fucking robot starts looking
old? But all that aside, the irony of an old robot is
hilarious. After all, in real life, the elderly are TERRIFIED
of technology, and can't even bring themselves to program
their fucking VCRs, so imagine them ACTUALLY BEING
technology? It boggles the mind.
That said, Hot Rod
and Kup end up underwater, where Kup is disabled by a giant
robot squid, so Hot Rod fights his way through and somehow
gets Kup out of the mess before repairing him. But of course,
seeing how Kup is elderly he doesn't appreciate it. And in
reality, let's be honest, Kup would have A HELL OF A LOT MORE
jobs for Hot Rod to do than that before he'd EVER
let him get on his way. Anyone with annoying grandparents
knows exactly what I'm talking about. "Ya, while
you're down there soldering my arm, lad, how about taking the
trash out, too? And after that, I got these boxes in my
basement. If you could just move
those...".
We then cut to Ultra Magnus
and crew landing on the Planet of Junk. And they mean it
literally. All they needed to hammer it home was old Fred
Sanford waddling out. Wuh, wuh wuh
wuh wah wah wuh, wuh wuh wuh wah wah
wawawa! In
any event, The Autobots and Daniel, who has been suited with
his dad's old "exo-suit" (which as well remember were
completely commonplace in 2005) exit the ship
and help themselves to the junk, which angers the planets
inhabitants, the Junkions-- a race of robots who like their
robotic counterparts at the beginning of the film also
possesses robot mustaches. And oh ya, they speak entirely in
TV catchphrases, led by Wreck-gar, voiced by Monty Python's
Eric Idle.
Anyway, back to Hot Rod &
Kup. Despite escaping the underwater pitfalls
earlier, They soon run into the Sharkticons. Kup
tries the universal greeting of "BAH-WEEP-GRAAAAANAW-WEEP
NEENEE BONG", a language reputably invented by this
man. Unfortunately, it doesn't work, and
soon the duo find themselves captured, which of course Kup
probably somehow blames on Hot Rod. But hey, call me
crazy, but I bet under that harsh exterior lies a heart of
gold~!!!
Soon after, Hot Rod & Kup
find themselves imprisoned, along side a cell containing
the sole survivor of the world seen devoured during the
film's opening by Unicron. And of course, he fills in our
heroes on the peril's of Unicron, before being immediately
sentenced for execution after serving his purpose. The
only thing that would have made it better is if he yelled out
"I had only one more day until retirement!" before being
dropped into the Sharkticon tank, just to, you
know, hammer home those movie clichés a little bit more.
We now cut back to the Planet
of Junk where the Autobots repair their shuttle. Man, it's a
good thing they spontaneously landed on a planet that just
happened to have every single part they were looking for.
And yes, this does happen ALL THE TIME. Just the other day, I
was dropped off in the middle of the woods, and there I found
all the parts needed to repair by broken Xbox. I guess I was
just lucky. That said, things get bad pretty quick when
Galvatron and his troops attack. And in retaliation, Magnus
TRIES TO OPEN THE MATRIX OF LEADERSHIP. For
this. Seriously. Didn't Prime tell your big
ass earlier that it was only to be used to 'light your
darkest hour'? (I insist it's engraved with "Caution:
Only open during Darkest Hour. -Thanks. Optimus.").
Seriously, Magnus, an attack
from about 6 Decepticons is your darkest hour? This
shit happens ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Clearly, Prime picked
the right man for the job. Anyway, as expected, The Matrix's
opinion of darkest hour and Magnus's obviously differ, and
Magnus is unable to get the thing opened, and as a result the
Sweeps reign laser fire upon him that causes him to EXPLODE.
Explode into perfectly symmetrical little pieces mind you,
that call me crazy, just might be able to be neatly
re-assembled in about 10 minutes. Lucky him. But hey,
irregardless, that had to suck. It's definitely been a
bad day to be a giant Matrix-harboring Transport truck,
that's for sure.
With that Galvatron takes
possession of the Matrix, and decides to double cross Unicron
with it. "With this I shall make you my slave!" says
Galvy. "Noooooooooooooo!" says Unicron in the depths of space.
Dear God, Unicron; you didn't see this coming? YOU TOLD HIM IN
EXPLICIT DETAIL THAT IT WAS THE ONLY THING THAT COULD STOP
YOU. What did I say about Unicron being the world's
biggest Bond Villain? Hell, we even saw sharks with
laserbeams! Holy shit.
From there, Hot Rod and Kup
are now brought before the tribunal of Quintessons. A
race of creatures whom apparently have nothing better to do
with their time than to try and execute every asshole who
rolls through town. Anyway, as for the Quintessons themselves,
we are eventually told during the 3rd season that
they actually created the Transformers. Just how
giant fucking eggs with only tentacles for hands
could create intricate machinery is anyone's guess. Anyway,
the Quintessons, have five faces, hence the Quint part, and
all five find Kup & Hot Rod innocent...then summarily
sentence them to death anyway, and drop them into the
shark pit. Finally, a justice system I can get
behind! You can't tell me a Sharkticon pit wouldn't have
came in pretty fucking handy during Paris Hilton's trial.
Hell, they're probably the only things that haven't eaten
Paris Hilton these days.
Once in the tank, the
duo fight their way through underwater, and decide the best
course of action is to drive in circles until the water
creates a whirlpool and they can drive right out, physics
be damned. Clearly had Ted Kennedy thought of this scenario at
Chappaquiddick, he'd probably
be President right now. Ahem.
Once on dry land, Kup and Hot
Rod fight off the multitude of Sharkticons, but look
overmatched, but never fear, because here comes the
Dinobots and their new friend "Wheelie" (whom I purposely
didn't mention earlier) to make the big save! And you
might be asking yourself, "Who the fuck is Wheelie?" to which
I'll answer "Exactly." You see, Wheelie, is an annoying
androgynous funboy who speaks in rhymes and gets to live
while the other Autobots who paid their dues get annihilated.
It's a cruel world where a guy like Iron Hide gets his head
blown off, but fucking Elmo in car form gets to live. That
said, The Sharkticons look to attack, but are ultimately
intimidated by Grimlock (the T-Rex leader of the Dinobots). He
then tells them to instead just turn on the Quintessons,
which they do. Huh. A group of slow-witted shapeless people
who'll seemingly do pretty much exactly what they're
told? Maybe the Sharkticons are wrestling fans? Could
be?
From there, Hot Rod, Kup, The
Dinobots & Wheelie look for an escape. Wheelie points out
a large cork-screw shaped ship, and suggests they take
that, thus rising his stock from "completely useless
and deserves to be incinerated" to just "deserves to be
incinerated". The Autobots then steal the cork-screw ship
and set a course for the Planet of Junk. And speaking of
Cork-screw ships, I always imagined this would be the shuttle
Jake Roberts would use if he ever was an Astronaut. After
all, if the cork-screw is that big, imagine the size of the
bottle of wine! Maybe I just wanted to use that joke, sue
me.
Meanwhile on Planet of Junk,
The Junkions come out of the wood work (junk-work?) and a
battle ensues between them and the Autobots to Weird Al music.
It's true. And a more intimidating battle Anthem I cannot
think of. However, in the midst of the battle, here comes
Hot Rod and company to break up the party, as he offers
Wreck-Gar a peace offering of Energon, while spouting the
Universal greeting--and this time it works! Then, for
some strange reason, a full-on Gay robotic hoe-down takes
place, and everyone starts line dancing. Seriously. Hell,
Wheelie even explores his burgeoning sexuality and kisses
Grimlock. What the fuck? There's dancing, hugging, groping and
loving! And this all goes on despite the fact that their
interim leader Ultra Magnus lay in a smoldering heap like 5
feet away from them, and their sacred vessel, the Matrix is in
the hands of the enemy. Why everyone chose THIS
exact moment to explore their cybernetic bi-curiousness,
I have no idea. In any event, they do all stop soon after, and
realize, "Umm, ya, I guess we better do something about dead
Ultra Magnus here", before likely throwing one in Arcee just
to regain their masculinity. The Junkions then reveal
that they can fix Magnus up as good as new, which is exactly
what they do, and like 25 seconds later he's reassembled and
fully functional! Which of course leads to the question of WHY
DID OPTIMUS PRIME DIE FROM 6 SHOTS, YET MAGNUS EXPLODES AND
CAN BE RETURNED AS GOOD AS NEW? Someone get back to Earth
already and get fucking Optimus' corpse, and bring
it there. It's a much better option then sticking
with the dude who got blown up like 5 minutes into his
leadership term. In any event, The Autobots now set out to
reclaim the Matrix, and are now joined by the Junkions who
take their own ship.
Meanwhile, Galvatron returns to Unicron,
wearing the Matrix around his neck like a blinged out
necklace. YEAHHHHHH BOYYYYYYYY. GALVA GALV is the one
that makes to mos' money! Galvatron then reveals again his
intentions to make Unicron his slave, but Unicron's
answer is to transform into his full robot form...SLOWLY. Oh
so tediously slowly. In fact, I think an old man putting on
his knee-high socks after getting out of the pool at Seniors
swim moves at a faster pace. But he is imposing. As
the look of complete and utter horror on Galvatron's face
tells the story. A look not seen since I walked in on my
friend Jason's mom nude once. From there, Unicron reveals that
his intention is to destroy Cybertron, which upsets Galvatron
to no end! "Destroy Cybertron? THAT'S WHERE I KEEP ALL MY
STUFF!" Ok, he didn't say that, but he should have. In
the meantime, Unicron decides to just swallow Galvatron, and
the remaining Decepticons open fire on him, which he easily
shakes off. Soon after, The Autobots and Junkions arrive and
join in on the fight, as Unicron begins stomping and smashing
at Cybertron. Hot Rod, driving the corkscrew manages to steer
the ship towards Unicron's face and eventually drives it right
through Unicron's eye! Man, you'd think Unicron would have an
eye made of something a little more durable then glass,
but what do I know? Now the poor bastard is blind.
Although, the visual of a million foot tall 
robot with sunglasses and cane and a
cup of pencils is pretty hilarious.
Now inside Unicron, Hot
Rod falls down a passage, while Arcee, Kup, Springer and
Daniel fall down another. It's there that they fight off
tentacles with buzz-saws and the like inside Unicron's
digestive system. What, you don't have buzz-saws in
your stomach? Well, they're there. You just need the right
microscope to see them. Clearly. While they're fighting that
off, Hot Rod ends up in a darkened part of Unicron's stomach
where he sees Galvatron and the Matrix. Galvy looks like he's
ready to cut a deal, but once again, RED LINES OF FURY compel
Galvatron to still do Unicron's bidding. And since
it was the 80's, I was hoping they'd have cued up a
special redux of the Police's Roxanne just for this scene.
UNICRONNNNNNNNNN! YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON THE RED
LIGHT!...
With that, Galvatron
overwhelms Hot Rod, and grabs him around the neck and begins
to strangle him to death...you know, despite the fact Hot Rod
possesses no throat and doesn't breath air. But hey, it's the
thought that counts.
Meanwhile, back to Kup &
the Gang in the stomach. They continue fight off more of
the stomach's defense system. Somewhere in all the chaos,
though, a laser blast goes astray and blows a hole
in the wall, and everything floods with water. Completely
inexplicable water. It's just then I get the visual of Unicron
earlier in the day filling a giant paper cup at one of
those office water jugs. Anyway, in the chaos, Daniel is
separated from the pack and somehow finds his way into a room,
where a hanging conveyer belt is dropping random robots into a
vat of acid. He then spots his Dad, Jazz and Bumblebee in line
to be dropped, and Spike begs Daniel to close the lid. It's at
this point, *I* would have bartered to get some new shit out
of the old man before even contemplating following his
instructions, but hey, I'm a "bad person" as people like to
say. Long story short, Daniel manages to close the lid and
everyone is safe! Even Jazz! This movie has created a new
precedent: BOTH Black characters LIVE. What a wonderful tool
this movie is when it comes to race relations. Well, except
for that whole complete racial stereotyping
thing.
Meanwhile, back to Hot
Rod/Galvatron; somehow, in his last dying gasp, Hot Rod
grabs the Matrix. Cue Stan Bush, You've got the Touch! You've
got the Power! And with that, Hot Rod grows a swank mustache
and cuts the sleeves of his denim jacket..err, I mean, he
becomes RODIMUS PRIME. Just then I get the visual of all the
previous Prime's laughing hysterically inside the Matrix.
"Haha "Rodimus". And the fuck is actually
going along with it! Sucker!".
Anyway, with his
transformation, Rodimus grows triple his size and bench
presses Galvatron over his head and tosses him through
Unicron's stomach and into space. Funny, I've tripled in size,
and I possess no unique changes, other than maybe a
heart murmur. Why is he so special? Hot Rod
then opens the Matrix saying "now light our darkest hour!" as
Unicron begins to react violently to the energy bursting
through his vital umm, organs. All the Autobots then transform
and drive out, even Daniel, who somehow transforms in his
exo-suit, without breaking every bone in body. It's there we
get to see Rodimus's new alternate mode... a fucking
WINNEBAGO. Seriously. Perfect for going on a weekend
camping trip? Definitely. Leading the Autobots into
intergalactic war? Umm, not so much. At this point as
well, I should mention that Kup, as predicted earlier, is
now incredibly proud of Rodimus. "I knew you had it in
you, lad" he says, before eventually muttering :
"Now could you go into the backyard and tighten the
bolt on my hose, it's been leaking. And while you're there
could you maybe carry those sacks of soil for my garden
to the front? Thanks, lad."
With that they all drive out
the other undamaged eye of Unicron, which now makes him
utterly useless, but does open up some great new possibilities
in soul music for him. Hell, Stevie Wonder can't eat worlds,
right? Unicron has the definite advantage! Unfortunately
though, his burgeoning music career would have to wait, as he
just explodes, but not before bellowing out "You cannot stop
my destinnnnnyyyyyyyy!". But hey, how does he know that
blowing up wasn't his destiny? Because if so, he accomplished
that quite well. Roll that around in your mouth and see how it
tastes.
Our closing scene is back on
Cybertron where Rodimus Prime gives an
inspiring speech to the troops as the new leader of the
Autobots. Wait. Why is HE leader? What, because he opened the
Matrix when no one else could? If I was an Autobot, I wouldn't
let this King Arthur shit fly. So much for seniority. I
guess we know now that the Autobot's aren't unionized. Oh, ya,
parting words: "The Cybertronian Wars are over!... Umm, until
September when Season 3 starts, but hey, until then
everything's hunky-dory! To All are one!". And hey, there's
Unicron's head just left circling Cybertron. Nothing
potentially dangerous about that! Ahem. Let's just let the
fucking thing coast out there! What's the worst that
could happen? The End.
Final Thoughts: This movie is
awesome, and is better than you or anything you could
ever accomplish. I wish I had two more arms so I could give
them titties, err, I mean Transformers four thumbs up.
That said, things kind of went down hill fast for the
franchise soon after. Hasbro obviously realized that killing
Optimus Prime was a mistake and resurrected the guy by the end
of Season 3 (along with Starscream). And good thing too,
because Rodimus ended up being HORRIBLE as leader. Basically
he turned into one big whiny Emo mess. (Rodemo Prime?).
In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Rodemo's story eventually
ended with him sitting in a parking lot in Winnebago mode
listening to Linkin Park on his computer stereo,
muttering how "no one could ever understand his
pain", while slowly cutting his gas lines with a razor
blade. Still though, THUMBS WAY UP.
I’m Sean.
Sean Carless is a man of
many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing
bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live
Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Wrestlecrap, Honky Tonk
Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has
also cured AIDS.
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