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Welcome to the Wrestling
Fan.com ShopZone! A place where tastelessness
knows no bounds, and money is no object
(seriously.)
Feel free to browse our
collection of "products" below... and accept the
fact that you're probably going to Hell for
doing so...
INTRODUCING:
GOLDBERG
BRAND "HE-BREW"!
FEAR THE
SPEAR
BEER!
In 2003, Goldberg got a taste for
the frosty ale after a much celebrated "Beer
Bash" with Stone Cold. And not wanting to be the
only baldheaded guy in the company to not
partake in the joys of massively dangerous
Alcohol intake, Goldberg fashioned HIS VERY OWN
BEVERAGE, that is both pleasing to Jehovah and
packs the same impact of an errant career-ending
mule kick!
Introducing
Goldberg's Brand "He-Brew"; an alcohol
alternative for Orthodox Jews and unstoppable
Monsters with Unorthadox
styles everywhere!
And the best part? With
Goldberg Brand "He-BREW", the bottle is
UNBREAKABLE, so you won't get injured if the
urge to plunge your fist through the glass
emerges!
Order
Now!
Warning: Beer may completely fizzle out after
one year.
* Not to be
taken with meat on the
Sabbath.
INTRODUCING:
THE ROB FEINSTEIN CHILDREN'S GROWTH
CHART!
With
Christmas fast approaching, Jolly St. Nick isn't
the only one looking to leave children's rooms
with an empty sack! Introducing, the Rob
Feinstein "Growth Chart", for ages 14 (I'll
pretend you said 18 lol) and
under!
Just how
does your little tyke measure up against the Fun
Athletic Guy? And more important, how is he at
keeping secrets? (Code of
Honor!)
 Order NOW, and Rob just may make the trip to YOUR
suburban town house for a personal
delivery!*
*Teenagers sold
separately.
INTRODUCING:
PAUL HEYMAN'S "HAVE LESS MONEY
NOW!"
Have
you ever wanted to run a successful, profitable
wrestling company with years of longevity,
through smart spending, careful
planning and financial integrity?
Well, maybe there's another book out
there for you.
Introducing:
Paul Heyman's "Have Less Money Now!" A practical
guide to making money on a grand scale, so long as you do the
complete opposite as the book
entails!
Step by
step, Paul takes you through the motions,
shattering all stereotypes that the Jews
are good with their money, as he takes you
through his time tested unsuccessful, successful
formula of taking less and turning it into "way
less".
It's
all here, from Chapter 1: "Money Is No object!
(seriously. I mean it. There's no money.)" to
Chapter 10: "Hey, what if we put the Title on
Aldo Montoya?" to the heartbreaking Final
Chapter: "Hmm, I could pay Rob Van
Dam....or... I could make
Rollerball!"
In
fact, if you're not significantly poorer after
reading this book, there's
obviously something right with
you!
Order now! (Or you could
save time and just light your wallet on
fire).
INTRODUCING: THE SONNY SIAKI "LEGEND KILLER"
T-SHIRT!
One confirmed
kill, but suspected in others! Don't
just draft a dead pool, honor the man who fills
it!
The "Sonny Siaki: Legend Killer" shirt is
great for relaxing around the house, errant
dropkicking people to an ultimate demise or
just paying your respects at funerals for
wrestlers killed by Sonny Siaki
himself!
However, if for
whatever reason, you or a loved one is not 100%
satisfied with your purchase, send us your
mailing address and we'll send Sonny Siaki himself to your house
to dropkick you. We have a feeling you won't
complain again!
(seriously.).
Order now!
HULKAMANIA
ORANGE JUICE!
It was only a
matter of time beforeFlorida's two
greatest exports joined forces! And now, we at
the Wrestling Fan are glad to present
"Hulkamania Orange Juice!"
Finally, The
Hulkster came up with his own *exclusive* citrus
drink; because let's be honest, who knows more
about juicing than the Hulkster? You
see, every Hulkamania Orange has been
organically grown, packed with preservatives to
create an unnatural orange hue, and
injected with a variety of growth hormones, to
create that superior drinking
experience. In fact, many of our satisfied
customers have claimed that after ingesting this
breakfast phenomenon, they were able to run
faster, jump higher, and pick up things they
strangely had no chance of doing so before
tasting the rich bold taste of Hulkamania Juice!
Let's see Sunny D. do
that!
So
next time you’re looking for a pick me
up in the morning, or just need a
charge to help you nonsensically pick up fat
people for no reason and by god, slam
them, take a slug off of the juice packed
with "Python
Power!"*
*
HGH.
-Surgeon
General warns: Prolonged use of product may lead
to balding, bone degeneration, and
shrunken testicles. But no worries about the
latter,:
because as the Hulk says "Small
potatoes make the steak look bigger,
bruther!"
ADAM
COPELAND ON EDGE ON
LITA.
"You
think you know them? You've
read *both* their books, but there's one last
chapter in the stories of Adam Copeland and Amy
Dumas!
In this TWF Shopzone *exclusive*, this
double-sequel reveals that Lita's REAL
'
Road less traveled'
went up the Hershey
Highway!
*Bonus
offer! If you act NOW, we'll reserve you a copy
of Edge's brand new Eddie Guerrero inspired
T-shirt! "He Lies on either people's
girlfriends! He Cheats on his wife!
He steals umm, other people's girlfriends!"
(It's still a work in progress...)
So, go
over the EDGE today! (or under, if
you're someone else's woman!)
Order now and we'll throw in complimentary
BOTTLED TEARS OF MATT
HARDY!
PAT PATTERSON'S
"MANWICH"
MEAL!
 Introducing:
the Newest product from our fledgling TWF
Food line, (the same people who
brought you Steve Austin's Black-Eyed
Peas) comes: Pat's Manwich
Meal!
Are you
hungry for a man-sized meal? Well crack open a
can of Pat's Manwich! You see, Patterson has
over 20 Years experience stuffing his meat into
buns! And not any old buns will do, you see, Pat
hand-picks the freshest, newest buns around, and
fills the can personally with his own tender,
love and care!
So, next time you have a man's appetite,
let Pat fill you up. Because when you think of
meat in the can...you gotta think
Pat
Patterson!
Also, Coming
Soon! Pat's Ballpark Franks! You won't regret it
when you put Patterson's wiener in your
mouth!
PAUL
HEYMAN BRAND
KOOL-AID!
Introducing:
HEYMAN KOOL-AID! The only flavored drink in the
world that makes excuses for why you should keep
drinking it, even though it provides you with
little to nothing!! That's right. One glass of
Heyman flavored Kool-aid and suddenly you'll
have the urge to work for 3 years without having
ever been paid, and only realize how truly
screwed you were long after the fact. Let's see
Tang provide that sort of false sense of
security.
Heyman Kool-Aid
is also the *number one* drink of unpaid
manual labor and SWEAT SHOPS around the
world!; so whether you're sweating in said
shop designing shoes for in-ring gags featuring
John Cena, or just sweating as to how you're
going to explain to your wife and children
why a Repo Man just took your car and the
bank foreclosed on your house, cool
down with a tall glass (may appear
significantly smaller in New York and
Stamford) of Heyman Kool-Aid, ignore your
worries, and just hope that next time your
boss actually signs the
fucking checks!
Remember, that's Heyman brand Kool-aid,
the
BEST drink you’ve ever had*, or NO
money back! Serve Heyman Kool-aid at your table
today! And then smash yourself through
it!
*Euphoria experienced by drinking
Heyman Kool-Aid only temporary. Prolonged
exposure may cause irritability, bankruptcy, and
angry 90 minute RF shoot
videos.
 LITA BRAND
CONDOMS!
Do you have a
night of sex on the horizon that’s just
2Xtreme?
You
see, whether it's sharing yourself with an
entire locker room south of the border, or just
bartering your boyfriend's life for a night of
copulation with a brooding undead psycho,
FINALLY, there's a contraceptive for
you!
Introducing
*NEW* Lita brand condoms! Guaranteed to catch
about 50% of your lover’s bounty… or your money
back! (Dignity not so
much).
You
see, Lita brand condoms are now AERATED for his
pleasure! As we at Lita Co. have FINALLY done
away with that pesky reservoir tip that always
seems to get in the way! In fact, your man will
think he’s not even wearing the condom….because
9/10 times, he won’t be!
And
most importantly, your Lita brand condom is
guaranteed to exceed temperatures of 100 degrees
Fahrenheit, in those cases you bed a man with
pyromanical super natural powers! (You won’t
find THAT with Trojan or
Sheik!).
So,
whether you’re looking at an evening of lust
with a seven foot demon, or just staying at home
cuddling with your boyfriend's best friend
around the fireplace, choose the brand Lita
swears by!
Lita
Brand Condoms. For those times you blow more
than spots!
*BRAND
NEW* "RANDY PROOF" WWE DIVA GYM
BAG!
When
breaking into the wrestling business, it's
advised that you know your shit, but
never has that been more
true.
With
that in mind, we're proud to introduce the
latest in Gym Bag security, that GUARANTEES
that the only feces you'll being seeing
backstage is Edge (Well, at
least according to Matt
Hardy.).
See, our
"Randy Proof" Gym Bags weigh in excess of one
hundred fifty pounds, are constructed out of
government tested steel, and contain a
computerized lock system that not even Jim and
Ellie Neidhart can crack!
So, rest
easy! Your days of coming backstage after an
exhausting bikini contest and finding some
unwanted "RKOdors" emanating from your carryall
are finally over! Get your "Randy Proof" Gym Bag
today! And remember, just because you stink in
the ring doesn't mean you have to everywhere
else! Order
now!
INTRODUCING:
X-PAC BEER
GOGGLES!
Hey, we know times are tough these days in
the Lovin' department, and sometimes, chopping
your crotch, and running groin first into other
people’s faces isn’t enough to win you the love
of a good woman. And unfortunately, often,
you'll find yourself picking up someone that
while sober you'd sooner use your "educated
feet" to get away from as fast as you can. We've
all been there. But finally, there's a solution!
(well, besides having standards.) You see,
our scientists at the TWF laboratories have
fashioned a device that will solve ALL your
problems!
 Introducing
the "X-Pac Beer Goggles", guaranteed to make
your partner go from "Bow" to "Wow" in
seconds! (Coupled with
copious amounts of alcohol.) Thanks to our
incredible ocular breakthrough, (and plenty
of liquid courage) soon, petty things like
her outweighing you by 50 pounds or having a
penis won't even seem to
matter! Get your "X-Pac
Beer Goggles"
today!
Order now and we'll throw in a completely
free "X-Pac all-purpose spoon." Perfect for
scooping up your best friend's sloppy seconds,
or just heating up a "treat" for the road! ...Order
now!
 ULTIMODIUM!
Like many
others, The Ultimate Warrior used to think
Mexico
was responsible for the
world’s largest share of diarrhea.
Unfortunately, as many at the University of
Connecticut
can now tell you, Diarrhea can
strike ANYWHERE, at ANY TIME, and even from ANY
PLACE. (in this case a non-stop flow from the
mouth.)
Introducing
ULTIMODIUM. RELIEF for extensive Verbal
Diarrhea! Whether you're running to the
ring, or just running to the shithouse,
Ultimodium gets the job done, and in no time
helps you get back to your hate mongering with
a
renewed vigor!
Ultimodium.
Ultimate relief for non stop shit flowing from
the mouth. That's Ultimodium. Helps you deliver
a "big splash" where it matters... the
toilet.
 INTRODUCING: THE ULTIMATE VISCERA
COLLECTION!
From the people who brought you DVDs
like "HHH: That Damn Good... and even better
than Flair. And Hogan, too. Oh, ya and also Bret
Hart, Bruno Sammartino and umm, anyone else you
got." comes a true collectors item: THE ULTIMATE
VISCERA COLLECTION!
In this special edition,
Two-disc set , we'll chronicle the legendary Big
Vis's evolution, from sloppy, morbidly obese
grappler in a purple pantsuit, to a
...sloppy, morbidly obese grappler in a black
pantsuit.
Disc 1:
The ENTIRE King of the Ring 1995 coronation
speech featuring Sir Mo. Approx running time= 6
hours 22
minutes.
Disc
2: The VERY BEST
matches of Viscera! Approx. running time: Zero
minutes, zero
seconds.
Act now and we'll throw in Sir Mo,
completely FREE! (He really has nothing better
to
do.).
Order
now!
Sean
Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears
those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald
spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com,
The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He
has also cured AIDS.
Send
Feedback to Sean
Carless |
