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TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONER
 
Slow news day again today. I was going to talk about the current rumor swirling about that Britney Spears may be pregnant AGAIN (if there was ever a time to put on some underwear, it'd be now. That kid could just fall right out the next time she's stepping out of a limo...) but there's really nothing I can say about Ms. Spears that hasn't been said ad nauseam by everyone else. That, and I already made my crack about her vagina being so big that an infant could fall out of it. (like throwing a tennis ball through a hula hoop!)
 
Anyway, now that I've alienated both of Britney's remaining fans, I think I'll just look at two other women, near and dear to my heart. And by "heart" I really mean "Penis". And by "penis" I really mean, umm, Penis. It's true. Those two people are Keeley Hazell and Angelina Jolie.
 
First up, we have Angelina. These days, unless your last name is Aniston, you'll find a nary a person who has much bad things to say about Angelina. She gives a lot of her fortune to charities. She has adopted two needy children and given them a better life. She has enormous breasts. You know, great things. However, she recently caused a bit of controversy, when she was quoted in a recent article in women's magazine Marie Clare (I read it for the articles I Swear! Wait. That's Playboy. Oh shit. This is worse. I don't read the articles! I look at the pictures!...) saying that she feels much more close to her "adopted" children, then her own biological daughter; who she went on to describe as a "blob", and whose personality was just "meh". Dear God. Hear that sound? That's the sound of half your fortune going to Therapists and psychologists for Shiloh in a few years.  But hey, why are we even surprised? She may seem like Mother Teresa these days in a lot of ways, but it wasn't too long ago that she was making out with her brother at Award shows whilst wearing a flask of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck. You just don't shake those demons. Believe me, I try. (my brother's a much better kisser, though.)
 
Anyway, I could go on making fun of Angelina. But I'd feel terrible. Maybe I'm just jealous because she has such a beautiful family...
 
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Oh Dear God. That picture looks a dead heat in the fucking Forehead 500. And is it just me or does Madox there look like he's ready to fucking explode into psychotic rage? I'd get The Gerber baby out of there if I was whoever was taking this picture. Poor Madox. He gets brought to this country, saved from a life of being turned into a potential transvestite Prostitute, and he's rewarded in the land of milk and honey by being given a five dollar haircut and having to go around shirtless only adorned with a fucking plaid ascot dickie. I'd take my chances with the Johns back over in the old country over that. But Madox's issues pail in comparison to that poor little girl. I suspect, the REAL reason Angelina adopted her, is that her media room's big screen was somewhat lacking, and as a result her and Brad have taken to watching movies on her forehead for that genuine theater experience. Jesus Christ, that's one big honking head. When she gets older, they'll probably have to cut a hole in the car's skylight, just so she can sit comfortably in the front seat. And the scariest part? I do believe there's actually enough room for her to fit an ENTIRE second face above her first one, and still have room. Don't believe me?
 
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Clearly, I'm going to hell. But the Jolie kids will have the last laugh. Madox, despite being gay (frosted hair at 7? come on) will have more money then he can ever spend. And I'll live out my forties eating cold Campbell's soup out of a can, because I have no bowls, and the Superintendent cut my power off. I might as well concede now.
 
Ok, now that I've in all likelihood offended everyone, I'll move on quickly to Keeley Hazell. Keeley Hazell has recently joined Paris Hilton, Screech and a host of other obvious, umm, "A-listers" in having a sex tape floating on the market. At first, I was a little tentative to watch, because I had a bad experience with the Chyna/X-Pac tape (Here's a picture of my actual reaction) and didn't want to do anymore potential long-term physical and psychological damage to myself.However, I finally bit the bullet and downloaded it.
 
Now for those of you who don't know Keeley, she is a topless model in England, with a gorgeous face, a smoking bod and all of her teeth, a rarity in England. (Quick, what do they call a dentist in Great Britain?...  A Tourist.). Now, being a big fan of her work (and I have the Teen Wolf palms to prove it), I watched it, and well, it left little to be desired, personally. Most of the shots unfortunately are of the dude's ridiculous ass, and throughout 2/3rds of the fare, Keeley is partially clothed. Which is surprising to me. That's the equivalent of having a Ferrari and driving it around in a fucking sheet. Anyway, the most talked about scene in it, is Keeley's patented hand-job. And I although, I give her an "A" for effort, the absolute velocity this chick gets going is downright horrifying. Her going to town, two handed, looked like a boy scout trying to feverishly start a bonfire with two pieces of flint... while being on speed, and injected with pure adrenaline! Oh my. By the end, I expected her to tear the poor guy's junk off and toss his cock into the tall grass. It was disturbing. So much so I could barely bring myself to finish repeatedly masturbating. Yup. that's how we're going out.
 
I'm Sean.
And I only pretended to be this perverted. I think.