TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONER
Slow news day again today. I was going to talk
about the current rumor swirling about that Britney
Spears may be pregnant AGAIN (if there was ever a time
to put on some underwear, it'd be now. That kid
could just fall right out the next time she's stepping
out of a limo...) but there's really nothing I can say about
Ms. Spears that hasn't been said ad nauseam by everyone else.
That, and I already made my crack about her vagina being so
big that an infant could fall out of it. (like throwing a
tennis ball through a hula hoop!)
Anyway, now that I've alienated both of
Britney's remaining fans, I think I'll just look at two
other women, near and dear to my heart. And by
"heart" I really mean "Penis". And by "penis" I really mean,
umm, Penis. It's true. Those two people are Keeley Hazell and
Angelina Jolie.
First up, we have Angelina. These days,
unless your last name is Aniston, you'll find a nary a person
who has much bad things to say about Angelina. She gives a lot
of her fortune to charities. She has adopted two needy
children and given them a better life. She has enormous
breasts. You know, great things. However, she recently caused
a bit of controversy, when she was quoted in a recent
article in women's magazine Marie Clare (I read it for the
articles I Swear! Wait. That's Playboy. Oh shit. This
is worse. I don't read the articles! I look at the
pictures!...) saying that she feels much more close to her
"adopted" children, then her own biological daughter; who she
went on to describe as a "blob", and whose personality
was just "meh". Dear God. Hear that sound? That's
the sound of half your fortune going to Therapists and
psychologists for Shiloh in a few years. But hey, why
are we even surprised? She may seem like Mother
Teresa these days in a lot of ways, but it wasn't too
long ago that she was making out with her brother at Award
shows whilst wearing a flask of Billy Bob Thornton's blood
around her neck. You just don't shake those demons.
Believe me, I try. (my brother's a much better kisser,
though.)
Anyway, I could go on making fun of Angelina.
But I'd feel terrible. Maybe I'm just jealous because she has
such a beautiful family...
...
...
...
...
Oh Dear God. That picture looks a dead
heat in the fucking Forehead
500. And is it just me or does Madox there look like he's
ready to fucking explode into psychotic rage? I'd get The
Gerber baby out of there if I was whoever was taking this
picture. Poor Madox. He gets brought to this country, saved
from a life of being turned into a potential
transvestite Prostitute, and he's rewarded in the land of
milk and honey by being given a five dollar haircut and having
to go around shirtless only adorned with a fucking
plaid ascot dickie. I'd take my chances with the Johns
back over in the old country over that. But Madox's issues
pail in comparison to that poor little girl. I suspect,
the REAL reason Angelina adopted her, is that her media room's
big screen was somewhat lacking, and as a result her and Brad
have taken to watching movies on her forehead for that genuine
theater experience. Jesus Christ, that's one big honking head.
When she gets older, they'll probably have to cut a hole in
the car's skylight, just so she can sit comfortably
in the front seat. And the scariest part? I do believe
there's actually enough room for her to fit an ENTIRE second
face above her first one, and still have room. Don't believe
me?
...
Clearly, I'm going to hell. But the Jolie kids
will have the last laugh. Madox, despite being gay (frosted
hair at 7? come on) will have more money then he can ever
spend. And I'll live out my forties
eating cold Campbell's soup out of a can, because I
have no bowls, and the Superintendent cut my power off. I
might as well concede now.
Ok, now that
I've in all likelihood offended everyone, I'll move on quickly
to Keeley Hazell. Keeley Hazell has recently joined Paris
Hilton, Screech and a host of other obvious,
umm, "A-listers" in having a sex tape floating on the
market. At first, I was a little tentative to watch, because
I had a bad experience with the Chyna/X-Pac tape (Here's
a picture of my actual reaction) and didn't
want to do anymore potential long-term physical and
psychological damage to myself.However, I finally bit the
bullet and downloaded it.
Now for those of you who don't know Keeley, she
is a topless model in England, with a gorgeous face, a smoking
bod and all of her teeth, a rarity in England. (Quick, what do
they call a dentist in Great Britain?... A Tourist.).
Now, being a big fan of her work (and I have the Teen Wolf
palms to prove it), I watched it, and well, it left little to
be desired, personally. Most of the shots unfortunately are of
the dude's ridiculous ass, and throughout 2/3rds of the fare,
Keeley is partially clothed. Which is surprising to me. That's
the equivalent of having a Ferrari and driving it around in a
fucking sheet. Anyway, the most talked
about scene in it, is Keeley's patented hand-job. And I
although, I give her an "A" for effort, the absolute velocity
this chick gets going is downright horrifying. Her going
to town, two handed, looked like a boy scout trying to
feverishly start a bonfire with two pieces of flint...
while being on speed, and injected with pure adrenaline! Oh
my. By the end, I expected her to tear the poor guy's
junk off and toss his cock into the tall grass. It was
disturbing. So much so I could barely bring myself to finish
repeatedly masturbating. Yup. that's how we're going
out.
I'm Sean.
And I only pretended to be this perverted. I
think.
