Slow news day again today. I
was going to talk about the current rumor swirling
about that Britney Spears may
be pregnant AGAIN (if there was ever a time
to put on some underwear, it'd be now.
That kid could just fall right out the next
time she's stepping out of a limo...) but there's
really nothing I can say about Ms. Spears that
hasn't been said ad nauseam by everyone else.
That, and I already made my crack about her vagina
being so big that an infant could fall out of it.
(like throwing a tennis ball through a hula
hoop!)
Anyway, now that I've
alienated both of Britney's remaining fans, I
think I'll just look at two
other women, near and dear to my heart.
And by "heart" I really mean "Penis". And by
"penis" I really mean, umm, Penis. It's true.
Those two people are Keeley Hazell and Angelina
Jolie.
First up, we have
Angelina. These days, unless your last name
is Aniston, you'll find a nary a person who has
much bad things to say about Angelina. She gives a
lot of her fortune to charities. She has adopted
two needy children and given them a better life.
She has enormous breasts. You know, great things.
However, she recently caused a bit
of controversy, when she was quoted in a
recent article in women's magazine Marie Clare (I
read it for the articles I Swear! Wait. That's
Playboy. Oh shit. This is worse. I don't
read the articles! I look at the pictures!...)
saying that she feels much more close to her
"adopted" children, then her own biological
daughter; who she went on to describe as a "blob",
and whose personality was just "meh".
Dear God. Hear that sound? That's the sound of
half your fortune going to Therapists and
psychologists for Shiloh in a few years. But
hey, why are we even surprised? She may seem
like Mother Teresa these days in a lot of
ways, but it wasn't too long ago that she was
making out with her brother at Award shows whilst
wearing a flask of Billy Bob Thornton's blood
around her neck. You just don't shake those
demons. Believe me, I try. (my brother's a much
better kisser, though.)
Anyway, I could go on making
fun of Angelina. But I'd feel terrible. Maybe I'm
just jealous because she has such a beautiful
family...
...
...
...
...
Oh Dear God. That
picture looks a dead heat in the fucking Forehead 500. And is
it just me or does Madox there look like he's
ready to fucking explode into psychotic rage? I'd
get The Gerber baby out of there if I was whoever
was taking this picture. Poor Madox. He gets
brought to this country, saved from a life of
being turned into a potential
transvestite Prostitute, and he's rewarded in
the land of milk and honey by being given a five
dollar haircut and having to go around shirtless
only adorned with a fucking plaid ascot
dickie. I'd take my chances with the Johns back
over in the old country over that. But Madox's
issues pail in comparison to that poor little
girl. I suspect, the REAL reason Angelina adopted
her, is that her media room's big screen was
somewhat lacking, and as a result her and Brad
have taken to watching movies on her forehead for
that genuine theater experience. Jesus Christ,
that's one big honking head. When she gets older,
they'll probably have to cut a hole in the
car's skylight, just so she can sit
comfortably in the front seat. And the
scariest part? I do believe there's actually
enough room for her to fit an ENTIRE second face
above her first one, and still have room. Don't
believe me?
...
Clearly, I'm going to hell.
But the Jolie kids will have the last laugh.
Madox, despite being gay (frosted hair at 7? come
on) will have more money then he can ever spend.
And I'll live out my forties
eating cold Campbell's soup out of a
can, because I have no bowls, and the
Superintendent cut my power off. I might as well
concede now.
Ok,
now that I've in all likelihood offended everyone,
I'll move on quickly to Keeley Hazell. Keeley
Hazell has recently joined Paris Hilton,
Screech and a host of other obvious,
umm, "A-listers" in having a sex tape
floating on the market. At first, I was a little
tentative to watch, because I had a bad
experience with the Chyna/X-Pac tape (Here's a
picture
of my actual reaction) and didn't want
to do anymore potential long-term physical
and psychological damage to myself.However, I
finally bit the bullet and downloaded
it.
Now for those of you who don't
know Keeley, she is a topless model in England,
with a gorgeous face, a smoking bod and all of her
teeth, a rarity in England. (Quick, what do they
call a dentist in Great Britain?... A
Tourist.). Now, being a big fan of her work (and I
have the Teen Wolf palms to prove it), I watched
it, and well, it left little to be desired,
personally. Most of the shots unfortunately are of
the dude's ridiculous ass, and throughout 2/3rds
of the fare, Keeley is partially clothed. Which is
surprising to me. That's the equivalent of having
a Ferrari and driving it around in a
fucking sheet. Anyway, the most talked
about scene in it, is Keeley's patented
hand-job. And I although, I give her an "A" for
effort, the absolute velocity this chick gets
going is downright horrifying. Her going to
town, two handed, looked like a boy scout trying
to feverishly start a bonfire with two pieces
of flint... while being on speed, and injected
with pure adrenaline! Oh my. By the end, I
expected her to tear the poor guy's junk off
and toss his cock into the tall grass. It was
disturbing. So much so I could barely bring myself
to finish repeatedly masturbating. Yup. that's how
we're going out.
I'm
Sean.
And I only pretended to be
this perverted. I
think.
