WWE UNFORGIVEN
200309/21/03
Hey there,
Fuckies, and welcome to Unforgiven! The only pay-per-view on
the schedule that refuses to find in its heart to forgive
you. And why should it? Look at yourself. You're a fucking
mess.
We are
LIVE From Hershey, Pennsylvania! No truth to the rumors
that Pat Patterson insisted they book the show here so
he could indeed travel the famous 'Hershey highway' he's
heard so much about. No truth at all.
Your hosts
here are Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler, who'll also be
gracing us tonight by competing in that very ring! And by
"gracing" I really mean the complete dictionary opposite of
that. Dear Lord. Why not just shoot me in the face? I think
that'd be a lot less painful. (And it'd also mean I'd
apparently have a better chance of scoring a
commentator's gig on RAW. A messed up face doesn't seem to
hurt your chances!)
The Dudley Boyz w/o Spike w/o 2/3rds
of the blood in his body vs. La Résistance & Rob
Conway; Handicap World Tag team Title Table
Match.
This
originally was supposed to be a 3 on 3 Tables match, but Spike
is still injured from his table mishap with La Rez a few weeks
ago. This is evident by the hard collar he's wearing to hammer
home the point that yes, he is in
fact injured. Clearly, this was necessary
after Linda was back and ready to go in three weeks after
"breaking her neck", and Kane "burned to death" in a
flaming dumpster about 2 weeks ago, and now he's as
good as new as well! Yup. But hey, I
wouldn't worry about something inconsequential like
potential spinal paralysis slowing Spike down. He too
will be as good as new very soon. Now, if
he clumsily tripped and tore a quad on the other
hand....well, that shit is LETHAL. No one
ever really got hurt from a spinal injury.
Nobody important anyway....
Anyway,
with La Rez, and that 'Master of Disguise' Rob Conway (tonight
he'll be portraying a completely uninteresting milquetoast
midcarder! And he pulled it off! AWESOME) now having an
unfair advantage, Stone Cold makes it for La Rez's Tag team
Titles as a consolation. However, it's still a handicap match.
Ah, yes, the "handicap" match. The last shred of a world not
consumed by political correctness. By this time next year,
they'll probably be known as "physical disabled, but
mentally capable" matches or "Mentally challenged, yet
able-bodied" matches. And rightfully so. The mentally
challenged deserve our utmost respect and admiration. The
fucking retards.
As for the match, it's under elimination rules. D-Von,
and his orange camouflage pants, which will definitely come in
handy the next time we're at war with Mars, gets
eliminated first after getting whipped into a table set up in
the corner by the champs. However, he doesn't leave the ring, which allows
the duo to still continue double teaming. Bubba
soon-after puts Grenier through a table with a
suplex, eliminating him. Apparently, Grenier is suffering
a real-life injury and needs time off to nurse his neck.
Which is an ironic injury if you think about
it. (using your chin as
a kickstand for Patterson's balls does tend to cause
strain.). From there, Conway gets eliminated through a table
on the floor as he gets
dumped to the outside ala Spike Dudley. One more inch
there, and he'd have to go out and buy a Droz costume to
add to his slew of disguises. Poor bastard. This just leaves
Dupree and his perma-erection. Heh. Looks like the
Dudleys aren't the only ones bringing wood to this party.
Dupree shocks both Dudleys by clotheslining them
simultaneously, but ends up getting 3D'd through the table to
end the match! After the bell, he goes backstage, where his
perpetual hard-on is used as a Diving board for those who
want to cool off in a pool after a grueling night of
action.
Winners
and NEW (17-time) Tag Team Champions: The Dudley Boyz! Where
this leaves the rest of La Résistance now that Grenier is
injured, I have no idea. However, I just hope for Conway's
sake, Vince doesn't get around to watching Forrest Gump any
time soon. Since Conway looks so much like Gary Sinise
anyway, and he DID debut as a military man, I suspect
Vince would give him a Lieutenant Dan gimmick. Hell,
he might even saw his legs off for extra effect! It's not
like they don't exploit amputees anyway in this company, so
why not? And the upside? Conway COULD NOT lose the Royale
Rumble no matter what. I'd really take it into consideration!
Your BOYHOOD DREAM can finally come true, Rob! So long as that
"boyhood dream" doesn't involve "walking" or using your legs
in any shape, form or fashion!
-Video
package hyping Steiner vs. Test (yes, seriously) set
to Cold's "Suffocate"...which ironically enough is what
I'll be doing to myself if this feud doesn't fucking end
tonight.
Test vs.
Scott Steiner: If Steiner wins he gets Stacy; If Test wins..he
gets Steiner? Dear Lord.
If you've
ever wondered what would happen if two black holes ever came
into contact with one another, I present this match.
Fortunately for us, the maximum suckage created
here didn't swallow up the entire galaxy, killing
every man, woman, child, animal, mineral and vegetable in
existence. But on the other hand, as a
result, it looks like I'll still be around long
enough to watch Vince wrestle Stephanie next month,
questioning why the Almighty couldn't have just ended it all
tonight when the cards were all in place. ARE YOU NOT
MERCIFUL.
Anyway,
the story here is that Test is once again putting Stacy on the
line, but in return, The Big Bad Booty Daddy's umm,
"Booty" is the booty for Test to acquire if indeed he is
successful. Holy shit. What kind of prize is that? That'd be
like us competing, and I put up my most valuable possession,
and in return you take a shit in a bag.... and I try my
hardest to WIN THE BAG. Dear Lord.
As for the
match, well, it's what you'd expect. In fact, if Satan ever
ran out of fire and sulfur to torment those who were cursed to
spend an eternity burning in Hell, I'd suggest he'd
instead play this match looping over and over for all of time.
Other than that though, Test's heel mannerisms actually
make this match somewhat perversely entertaining. That,
and the fact, that Steiner wrestles like the fucking Tinman...
if he had spent about two decades at the bottom of a lake.
Stacy actually becomes involved in the end, and accidentally
hits Steiner with a chair, allowing Test to follow up
and hit the "ABOOT" and collect the pin as he hilariously
counted along to Stacy's disgust.
Winner: Test, who is now celebrating his, umm, "prize",
telling Steiner that he's now his "bitch". Ya! Wait.
What? Dear God. Ya, I know when I want to humiliate my
arch-rival with whom I'm embroiled in a vicious love
triangle with, I really secretly want to turn
him into a sex slave... instead of you know, getting rid of
the fucker forever. Irregardless though, I don't even know if this union is
even anatomically possible. It's kind of hard to
penetrate each other when you both have
steroid-induced baby genitals. Just
saying.
/5
-Package for HBK vs. Randy Orton.
Orton vows to destroy the legacy of Shawn Michaels tonight.
What, he's gonna go back in time and force him to
actually lose some 10 championships in the ring? Good
luck, Randy.
Randy Orton representing
EVOLUTION vs. Shawn Michaels, representing
CREATION
Tonight,
in this very ring, Intelligent design EXPLODES! Intelligent
booking however no showed the whole event. What can
you do? Anyway, fellow Evolution member, Ric Flair is in
Orton's corner here and makes his presence very known multiple
times. And hey, if anyone knows anything about Evolution, it'd
be Ric Flair. After all, he was just starting his wrestling
career when man first crawled out of the Primordial ooze.
He holds the keys to this whole debate no
doubt.
Anyway, the two feel each other out early, and HBK
taunts Randy, frustrating him. Ah, I wouldn't get Randy too
angry there, Shawn. You remember what happened the last time
you pissed off a Marine, right? From there, we get
a back and forth match that had a lot of potential, but
went a little too long, in my ever so humble
opinion.
Randy ends up hitting the RKO but
Michaels kicks out. THE POWER OF THE LORD COMPELS
HIM. HBK eventually makes a Lazarus (HIYO) comeback
after Orton missed a high cross body, and HBK followed up by
going upstairs and connecting on the big elbow. HBK then
kipped up, and started tuning up the band, presumably to a
nice Religious hymn, and connects with the Sweet Chin music
and gets the three! However, Flair places Orton's foot on the bottom
rope, somehow goading the Referee into thinking that it
had been there all along, and thus the match continued. Flair
then throws Orton some brass knux, and after a swing and
a miss , he clocks Michaels as HBK was attempting a back
suplex and falls on top for the pin. For those history buffs
out there, this is the same exact finish Randy Savage used to
win the Intercontinental Title back in 1986 from Tito Santana.
Hopefully, that's where the similarities end though, as I
hope Orton has a little bit better luck with the
ladies.
[Sean's
edit from 2007: Haha, better luck with the ladies? Dear God.
Do my awesome prognostication abilities truly ever start, err,
I mean, end? GENIUS. WIZARD. You know the
drill.]
Winner:
Randy Orton and the scientific community. The Earth is
millions of years old, and so is Ric Flair. Debate over.
;)
- La
Résistance is backstage in the trainers room (who is morbidly
obese, something that always breaks me up considering his
profession) when Y2J comes in to check on his fellow
Canadians, err, I mean PARISIAN FRENCH comrades. He
bemoans the GM reign of Stone Cold saying he's a failure. I'd
stick up for Steve here, but he did book Jim
Ross to WRESTLE here tonight, so you're on your own
there, Stone Cold. Jericho tells them not to worry as he
has a plan, and tells them to stay exactly where they are.
Toiling in the lower midcard?
Oh.
Gail Kim
& (C) Molly Holly vs. Lita & Trish
Stratus;
If I was
forced to pick a winner here, I definitely think I'd go with
the fundamentally sound woman with a rana-loving spot monkey
as her partner. That's right.
Anyway, as
is brought up, this is Lita's first match back on pay-per-view
since being on the shelf. I then fade off, thinking
of her being on a literal shelf, as I shop at a
grocery store completely stocked with Lita's. I then opt
to test the produce like I am
wont do, only for the store manager
to tell me not to squeeze the Lita's, which upsets me
greatly, because her breasts are spectacular. I then, turn her
upside down to read her list of ingredients, and stop when I
read the label : MADE IN MEXICO....BUT DESPERATELY TRYING TO
FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE. The whole thing then falls
apart completely from there. Oh, ya, chances are I may have
been a little wasted at the time when I jotted this down, so
please forgive me. And don't be scared if you ever see my
closet glowing like Poltergeist. I promise you it's not
haunted. That's just my hydroponic lamp.
Seriously.
WAIT A
SECOND, THERE IS A MATCH GOING ON HERE~!
Lita &
Trish work really well as a team, even taking a page out
of Matt & Jeff's book, with a poetry in motion. The
Hardly Boys then take to Molly & Gail, including a huge
powerbomb by Lita onto Gail, which knocked her back into the
Matrix and into Neo's loving arms. I have no idea if she's
supposed to still have that gimmick, but fuck her (no, I mean,
really, I'd like to) I really wanted to use that
line. Trish then delivers a handstand-rana to Molly out
of the corner, and Lita hits the Lita-sault to pick up the
win.
Winners:
Trish Stratus & Lita, who it looks like will go onto
to challenge Molly perhaps at Survivor Series, in the
penultimate moral battle of our age between extreme
(2Xtreme?) promiscuity and pristine virginity. Will the
title and hymen of Molly Holly survive the Survivor
Series? BE THERE AND FIND OUT.
Kane vs.
Shane McMahon: LAST (VIEWER) STANDING
MATCH
Hey, Kane
has lost the shirt part of his ensemble, and Good God, there
doesn't seem to be any burns there either! You know, there's
probably a few dudes out there in burn units wondering just
what Kane's secret is, and why they look like a 7/11
hotdog right now, and Kane has NO SCARS or injuries bar
one fucking Sammy Davis jr. eye ...you
know, despite being burned alive when he was a
kid...then again a few weeks ago when Shane threw him into a
FLAMING DUMPSTER! ....which I might add doesn't go over too
well. Dump-sites apparently frown on you disposing of human
waste in their dumpsters. Go figure. Oh,
well, I guess I'll have to stick to burying my
corpses in the woods in a series of trash bags. Wait.
Ignore this part.).
Oh,
anyway, Shane is out looking for BLOOD here, as anyone would
who had battery cables attached to their testicles (or as it's
being marketed on Shopzone "The RAW Enjoyment Replicator")
would. But good luck, there Shane O' Mac. If he's just a
little red and itchy after falling into a FUCKING FLAMING
DEATH TRAP, I doubt you're gonna keep his big bald ass down
for ten seconds. But hey, I've been wrong
before.
The crowd
is actually dead for this one until Shane breaks out the
"Shane Terminator" which finally popped them. And you
know, it is a real sweet looking move until
you really think about what's going on here.
"Excuse me, but would you mind staying still and holding
this huge metal object over your face, while I leap across the
ring and kick it into your fucking head? THANKS A BUNCH."
I personally think if it was me, I'd just shoot him. Once you
electrify my balls, I'm clearly past the whole point of
trying to set you up for fucking high
spots.
Anyway, Kane ends up getting knocked down with the boom
mic, but gets up at 9. Shane then wraps Kane up with a cable
and awkwardly drags him by the throat, down the aisle in
what seemed like an eternity. Man. Clearly Shane would be the WORST fireman ever. And hey,
clearly Kane would be the BEST. If the guy can fall half naked
into a DUMPSTER OF FIRE and not be no worse for wear, I think
he can tackle a fucking building. Did I mention, HE FELL
INTO A DUMPSTER...AND IT WAS FILLED WITH FIRE? I did?
Good.
With Kane
laying on the stage, Shane catches his breath, and the crowd
begins chanting "Go up", and when he obliges, they cheer for
him to "jump". Gee, remind me to never try and commit suicide
in Hershey. For some reason I get the feeling I might not get
the best support here. Anyway, Shane O' does the old Nestea
plunge, but Kane moves and Shane explodes through the stage.
The Ref then counts ten. Huh. Shane beat himself. What a
surprise. These McMahon's are not just the most sexually
desirable people in the world, they're also the By Gawd
toughest~!
Winner:
Kane. Hey, we all knew how this one would end. I think there
was a better chance of Leonardo DiCaprio and the
Titanic making it to fucking shore then Shane not
plummeting to his death from a few stories. But don't worry,
folks! Before moving to Stamford, the McMahon clan actually
made their home on a planet called "Krypton". I mean, how else
could we explain Linda recovering from a "broken neck", Steph
from "internal injuries" and Vince from, umm, "fucking Sable"
in just a few weeks? Exactly.
-Crowd
gives Shane O' Mac a big standing ovation. But don't fret, the
son of Jor-El, err, "Vince" will be
back!
-While
we're on the topic of Superman, Chris Jericho, RVD &
Christian have been released from the Phantom zone and that
match is NEXT~!
...But
first, Jericho enters Austin's dressing room and says he has a
plan to get back at Stone Cold. What, he's gonna pay
for Karate lessons for Debra? Haha. I kid,
Steve.
RVD vs. Y2J vs.
Christian; Triple threat for Intercontinental Title;
Holy shit! An Intercontinental Title match!...on
Pay-per-view! Man, since they've brought this belt back last
spring, it's seemingly seen as much action as Stephanie
McMahon's Ab-cruncher. Anyway, the story here is that earlier
tonight on HEAT, Y2J and Christian conspired to double-team
RVD and get rid of him before settling things one on one. The
irony of that is HEAT is just about the last thing this match
had. The crowd was
uncomfortably silent, seemingly exhausted from the previous
encounter, only coming alive for a Power bomb spot that
involved all three men, which admittedly was pretty
spectacular. It involved a superplex spot, but then the third
man, powerbombed the superplexer, and superplexee, for one
colossal bump. Unfortunately though, the camera missed most of it and
even the post move cover (it was only a two). From
there, everything kind of fell apart, as I got the visual of
Triple H backstage sticking three dolls with needles then
laughing maniacally. Anyway, finish comes when RVD eventually knocks Jericho from the
ring, and goes to Frog splash Christian, but Christian uses
his knees and the IC belt itself to block the move. RVD
lands violently, and Christian quickly cradles Rob for
the pin to retain the title. After the match, RVD is heard
saying that this was the best six-way match he's ever
been involved in. Y2J then tells him there were only three of
them out there, as Rob said "no wonder they all looked all
alike" then finished squeezing the remaining contents of a
tube of cookie dough directly into his mouth. SOME OF
THIS MAY NOT HAVE
HAPPENED.
Winner and
STILL Intercontinental Champion: Christian. Poor Rob. This
dude's been so buried lately, he might as well set up his
furniture in the Earth's core.
-Backstage, some clown named Mark Lloyd is
standing by with Triple H. Bah. Give me Terri any day of the
week. I like an announcer who's not afraid to have hard
nipples perpetually since 1996. In fact, if I ever decide to
undertake a career as a cat-burglar, I want her by my side. We
could use those nipples to cut those perfectly symmetrical
holes through glass like you see in movies. It'll be
awesome.
Anyway, Triple H talks about how doesn't
believe in fairytales. Personally, I thought he'd
really be able to relate to Shrek. Who knew. Anyway, he
says he doesn't believe in Goldberg's "hype", and tonight, as
per stipulation if Goldberg loses, his "Storybook" career ends
right here. Storybook? Ya, I think I've read this story.
"Once upon a time, there was a large, scruffy Jewish
man with only 3
moves..."
Al Snow
& Coach vs. Jerry Lawler & Jim Ross; Winners to be RAW
Announce Team:
Gee, you
wonder why WWE stock seems to plummeting faster than a fat
girl off a cliff lately. I can't imagine someone ever
convincing ANYONE on earth this was a good idea. This reminds
me of the dying days of WCW where we'd have to watch a bunch
of talentless non-wrestlers lumber around the ring
exposing the business. And once Hogan and Nash were done, we'd
have to watch guys like Jay Leno try to wrestle. Haha. I'm
making my own fun out of this, By Gawd... even if it
kills me. (And it just might.).
Anyway,
there is no commentary for this match, and in the ensuing
silence, if you listened close enough, you could
actually hear people getting up off the sofa, taking a
piss, fixing themselves a sandwich, and then changing the
channel. My TV is awesome like that. With that said,
obviously Al Snow and Jerry Lawler do the bulk of the
wrestling here. I then laugh to myself at the irony of a man
who is thought of as such a good Father figure
battling a guy who likes teenage girls to call him Daddy,
duking it out. Eventually, Lawler, after playing man in peril,
makes the hot tag to JR. And by "hot" I mean the complete
opposite of that. In fact, I'm sure you could go into the
deepest reaches of space with a thermometer, and still not
register the exact lack of temperature of this tag. JR
goes at it with Coach from there, as once again, I laugh at
the irony of a big redneck in a cowboy hat savagely attacking
a screaming black man, begging for mercy... and ROSS IS THE
GOOD GUY. After a few minutes, Chris Jericho runs
in, playing Dr. Kevorkian, and mercifully pulls the
plug on this rotting corpse by laying out JR,
allowing Coach to score the pin, and win the announce
chairs.
Winners:
NOT A FUCKING SOUL. I think I'd rather get a Vasectomy from
Michael J. Fox these days then sit through this match
ever again. Which of course means we'll have to probably
watch some version of it again tomorrow night on
RAW.
[Sean's
note from 2007: YUP.]
/5
-Mark
Lloyd catches up with Jericho fleeing the scene, asking the
HARD-HITTING question: "Why'd you do it, Chris?" Jericho then
says it was to get to Stone Cold. I think I hate this
Mark Lloyd. I believe I wish him
dead.
[Sean's
note from 2007: This was before I fully experienced the
phenomenon that is Todd Grisham. COME BACK, MARK! I
DIDN'T MEAN IT!]
-Goldberg/Triple H package. A BLOND GUY WITH AN
IRON CROSS ON HIS OUTFIT IS DESTROYING A JEW INSIDE A
CHAMBER. What could possibly be misconstrued as offensive
about this? [/my Summer Slam
Rant].
-JR gets
emotional, and says Jerry is like a (really, really perverted)
brother (whom he'd never, EVER allow around his teenaged
daughters) to him, and he's going to make his "Last
ever" call of the Main Event tonight his best one ever.
Jerry is then slowly lowered into a carbonite chamber, as JR
yells out " I love you, by Gawd." as Jerry responds "I know."
Haha.
Goldberg
vs. HHH w/ clam-diggers cleverly hiding the injured Steph
hammer: World Heavyweight Title.
Both of
these guys are actually injured, so I'm not expecting too
much. Trips is still nursing his mysterious injured groin that
to me is not so mysterious. I mean, an obese fiancée?
Hello? Put two and two together
there.
Anyway,
the crowd isn't nearly as hot here as they were at Summer
Slam, but Triple H and his bandaged cock whipping Goldberg's
ass for the last 3 weeks straight might play a small part in
that. Fucking Triple H. You could cut this guy's head off, and
he'd use that last bit of blood flowing to his limbs to crawl
over and pin you.
Goldberg
dominates early, but Triple H gets the momentum back after he
blocks a spear by just kneeing him in the head. About time
someone thought of that. Sure beats the other 200
dudes (if you count fucking Jerry Flynn about 45 times)
strategy of countering it by taking it full force and flying
through the air. THAT'S WHY THEY CALL HIM THE CEREBRAL
ASSASSIN. Although, a big part of being an assassin is
actually shooting people. No one ever died from BRAIN POWER.
"I WILL YOU DEAD. FALL OVER! WHY AREN'T YOU DYING?! I'M A
CEREBRAL ASSASSIN!!!!" With that said, Goldberg ends up
getting busted open on the floor, as I wait for Ross to
somehow equate this to an animal who tastes his own blood. Why
is it in wrestling, when you see your own blood you get really
angry and want to kill people? I remember cutting my knee
all the time when I was a kid, and just whining a lot. I
didn't start randomly press-slamming the other children in the
park because the sight of it fueled a rage inside me. Wait.
What were talking about again? Oh ya, the match. Goldberg gets
the comeback soon after and takes it to HHH, but Trips,
slips out after the ref gets bumped, and grabs
sledgy hitting Goldberg in the shoulder with it. Hey, why
is it that HHH always just uses the handle to brain people
with, and never the steel end? That'd be like having a gun and
just lightly bopping the guy on the head with the handle. I
take it back, you're no Cerebral Assassin. Back in the ring,
Trips charges for one more handle shot of DEATH, but Goldberg
gets the spear. He then hits the jackhammer and gets the win.
The 9 month reign of terror is over. To a guy who won't
be here in six months. Yup.
Winner and
NEW World Heavyweight Champion: GOLDBERG, who celebrates his
big win, as Triple H goes backstage, trying to figure out
how he's going to hold up his pants on his wedding day in
4 weeks without his huge ten pound gold
cummerbund.
End
Show~!
FINAL
THOUGHTS: Meh. This show honestly did nothing for me.
Discounting the fact I had to sit through two of the worst
matches I've ever seen, the main event moment was nice, but
probably came a month too late. RAW brand pay-per-views
are clearly the mongoloid brother to the brainy Smackdown
brands. I tend to cut them a lot of slack because sometimes
they try hard, but at the end of the day, they're still
fucking retarded. So thumbs down here. Or at least until they
decide to never book any combination of Steiner &
Test or an all-commentary team 50/50 straight match again. I'm
begging ya.
/5