WWE
UNFORGIVEN
2004
Welcome to Unforgiven. WWE’s most
unforgiving PPV. So don't even try to apologize. He's having
nothing of it. And with that said, I'll tell you whom I
won’t be forgiving anytime soon: My fucking cable
provider. That’s right. Someone at the cable company must have
been drinking a little moosehead on the job, because what
I saw tonight was hardly the *magic* that was HHH
winning his 9th Championship, (Eight more 'til he’s the
bestest in the evar!!!!11) but more a series of glitches, and
a show that seemed to black out more than a chick on a date
with Mike Tyson.
Anyway, to drown
my sorrows, I decided to have a few drinks. And by a "few", I
mean more than I, or anyone around me care to remember. And
you know, I will likely come face to face with my own
mortality tomorrow morning; but hey, if Undertaker can
keep coming back from the dead, so can I. And as a precaution,
I have one of my fat friends carrying around an urn, just
in case the situation merits its use.
Yup.
Onto the
show~!
We are LIVE from
Portland Oregon! The actual hometown of one Roddy Roddy
Piper... and NOT Glasgow. Man, between that, and the fact
he doesn't, nor has ever had a Scottish
accent, I'm starting to seriously suspect he's
not really from Scotland. Man. Next thing you know, you'll
tell me Dudleyville isn't a real place, and that guys like
Ultimate Warrior, Missing Link and like every masked wrestler
ever don't all live in the same town. I refuse to believe
it.
Ric Flair
& Batista vs.Chris Benoit & William Regal w/ a
woman's bathing suit.
Holy shit, Regal
seriously needs to get some new gear. I just don't know
what the deal is with this Geriatric bathing suit they have
him wrestling in lately. Every time I see Regal in those
tights, I picture my grandma doing the dog paddle in the pool,
desperately trying to not get her hair helmet wet. But hey,
I guess I should just be happy that Regal is
actually wrestling on PPV. Even if he looks like he
should be doing so in a skull cap and nose
plugs.
They
actually gave this match a lot of time, and it was very
good. Although, at one point, I actually had tears
running down my face thinking of Benoit main eventing not even
30 days ago, and now jerking the curtain. Fortunately
though, that just turned out to be some beer gas. Lucky
me. Anyway, Benoit and Batista lock up, and it's the BATTLE OF
THE ANIMALS~! A Wolverine, and a well, whatever kind of animal
Batista is supposed to be. JR keeps calling him a "horse"
here so I guess that might be it. Although, JR says it
without almost a little too much lust in his voice.
Between this, and the wonton violence he tolerates against
mules, I'm thinking that maybe keeping Ross as far
away from a farm as possible might be the best idea. Just
saying.
Anyway, Benoit
eventually tries a sharpshooter on Batista, but he powers
out. Flair & Regal then eventually get in there
and trade stiff shots and generally beat the ever loving shit
out of one another. Although, I'd be lying if I said I
wasn't somewhat taken aback by the exchange, as between
Regal's bathing suit, and Flair's white hair, it appeared
as if an elderly couple on summer vacation was indeed
coming to blows.
Flair
eventually gets Regal in the figure four, but Benoit is there
to break it up. Hot tag from there to the Crippler,
who then begins to suplex everyone in sight. CHRIS BENOIT
IS FOR REAL. And not just a figment of your imagination. Glad
I could clear that up. Benoit then applies the crossface
to Flair, but Batista blindsides Chris and lifts him from the
mat and slams him down hard. Brutal stuff. It's just then
I get the picture of Batista being taken to the vet's to be
destroyed because he's too vicious. I blame his owners. DAMN
YOU EVOLUTION FOR RUINING HIM~! Anyway, Batista tumbles out with Regal to the
floor soon after, and Flair attempts a figure four, this
time on Benoit, the world's only toothless wolverine, who
then counters out into a crossface for the clean win!
Good stuff.
Winners: Chris Benoit & William
Regal, who better skedaddle quick or he'll miss
that game of bridge with the girls!
-Backstage,
we see Christian and Trish Stratus arguing over who
gets the services of Tyson Tomko. Dear god, that's
like being in a competition where your prize is a paper bag
full of dog shit. Anyway, Trish ends up winning out, after she
not-so-subtly offers up herself as a reward. Can't say I blame
Tomko. Clearly, even though Tomko looks like he’s spent 3
quarters of his life in fucking prison, he
obviously still has a love for the ladies. Actual ones.
WHAT HAPPENS IN PRISON, STAYS IN
PRISON.
[Sean's note from
2007: This was actually the end of the Trish/Christian
romance. No mention was ever made of it again, as with all
romances that run their course in WWE. Oh well, what can you
do? All I know is, that was clearly the best dollar
Christian ever spent! Funny, any time I've equated a woman's
value to small currency, they've never wanted to ever have
anything to do with me again. Next time I'll try a Toonie
instead. (Seriously. We call our two dollar coin
that...).]
(C) Trish
Stratus w/ Tyson Tomko vs. Victoria; Women’s
Title
Anyway,
Trish is of course accompanied by Tyson Tomko, who
possesses a kick SO LETHAL, that it could kill you
instantly…if it ever connected that is. Clearly, if Trish
needed some pointers on handling "the bitches", she
needed to hire Sean
O'Haire
as her "Problem Solver". He's a man who gets things done.
Clearly. Anyway, I'm also happy to announce that DANCING
VICTORIA no longer exists! She didn't do her Epileptic Nitro
Girl routine during her entrance. Perhaps this brings her one
step closer to the unpredictable psychosis (I loved him in
WCW!) gimmick we all knew and loved. *Fingers
crossed*.
Anyway,
Victoria takes it to Trish throughout most of this match,
unloading her offense, including the wiggle-sault and her
patented side-walk slam to near falls, while looking on
with trepidation at Tyson Tomko. I imagine this is
the look on their faces Girl guides have in Jerry
Lawler's neighborhood. Anyway,Victoria eventually makes the
unfortunate mistake of diving over the ropes onto Tomko,
then slides back into the ring, walking right into some
Stratusfaction by Trish for the win. I guess the prospect
of "putting out" for Tomko for his services was truly
worth it after all. And speaking of his services; why isn't
Tomko wearing pants? Since when does "guarding bodies" merit
you kicking your slacks across the room? I'd be a little wary
of a pantsless bodyguard, myself. But on second thought, maybe
it's not such a bad idea. Imagine a completely pantsless
secret service. You'd be too busy trying to not throw up, and
looking away, that you'd not even notice the President
you were there to do in. It's
genius.
Winner: Trish
Stratus. Who hung pretty well considering she's still nursing
a pretty bad wrist injury. An injury ironically enough
that I myself get after watching many of her
matches. Go figure.
-After the match,
Tomko chokes out Victoria until Heat’s General Manager “Some
Strange Woman” (Tm. Justin Shapiro) makes the save. Tomko then
gets on the mic(?!) and calls out the “woman”, as he boasts
that he’ll finally “solve the mystery”. Ha. I think by this
point, even fucking Scooby Doo's mysteries are a little
harder to figure out then this. Stevie Richards: "And I
would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for that
meddling Problem Solver".
Unfortunately,
though, this leads to an
actual MATCH:
Tyson Tomko vs.
Steven Richards w/o Victoria (where the fuck did she go?
That's gratitude for you.)
Ok, cool,
an angry skin head doing battle with a large man in drag?
I think I may have seen this episode of Oz, thank you.
Anyway, these two should seriously
think about doing wrestling’s first ever “Worst of 5 series",
because this just may have been the worst match I’ve ever seen
in my fucking life. And none of it was Stevie's fault, this I
can assure you. I guess the
"problem" Tomko was trying to "solve" was how to make the
world forget about Jackie Gayda's in-ring debut. MISSION
ACCOMPLISHED. Now, I could recap it for you.
Or, I could come over and rip out all your eternal
organs, set them on fire, shit on them, and stuff them back
into your midsection. Then you'd have HALF an idea
of just how painful this was to sit through. Anyway,
the bottom line is, Tomko wins after a spinning torture (being
the key word here) rack neckbreaker. The bulk of the contest
just saw him try to strip Stevie Richards naked. Seriously. I
guess my prison jokes earlier were a little more on the money
than I thought. Who knew. All I do know is, watching a video
of fucking Rosie O'Donnell getting stripped searched
would be more appealing than what I just watched. Dear
god.
Winner: NO ONE ON
EARTH, OR AT ANY POINT DURING ITS EXISTENCE. But if you want
to get technical: Tyson Tomko. The man who possessed the
fasted bra removal time I've ever seen in my life. Like 0.5
seconds! And if you don’t think I’ll try this same maneuver
with my girlfriend tonight, you’re sadly mistaken. I’ll let
you know how comfortable the couch was. And by "couch", I mean
"Prison"; where more Tomko's will likely be waiting for
me with open arms, and god knows what
else.
/5
Chris
Jericho vs. Christian; Ladder Match for vacant
Intercontinental Title;
This match has
come about because Edge had to forfeit his Intercontinental
Title, because he has a serious groin injury. You
know, I bet his real-life brother-in-law Val Venis
is glad he never suffered this injury, because for
him it could be LETHAL! YOU SEE, HE HAS AN ENORMOUS
PENIS. Sadly, I thought this was the funniest joke ever
when I was drunk earlier tonight. Now? Not so sure. Anyway,
this brings us to this match between the top two contenders.
Originally, it was going to be a straight up match with Edge
and Y2J, but like I said, he's injured. And pretty bent out of
shape about it. In fact, on RAW two weeks ago, Edge
stated that he’d much rather lose the title in the
ring, then have to forfeit it. And seconds after saying
that, HBK swooped in, put his arm around him, and said "Kid,
let me tell you a little something about losing
championships...". OK, that never happened. But damn
it, it should have.
Good match
here, even though there wasn’t much psychology. However, the
high spots made it work. But I have one question, is there
some mysterious invisible weight that bogs a wrestler's ass
down when they're climbing any ladder or a cage in this
fucking company? Jesus, any slower there, and I'd start
to suspect fucking John Woo was the agent who put this
thing together. Anyway, I'd recap
more of this (OK, I wouldn't and fuck you for asking) but
there was just so much to take in, and my limited beer-logged
psyche could barely handle my primary bodily functions as it
were; so I'll instead just bottom line the main points. A
few unique spots here as the ladder
comes into play included a slingshot by Christian to Y2J,
headfirst as the ladder was propped in the corner. Jericho
also tries a lionsault on X-ian as he’s on the
ladder, but Christian rolls clear and Jericho lands
awkwardly. It's just then I wonder what circus has lions
capable of doing full somersaults, and whether other animals
there possess the same keen lucha skills. This may have been
the beer talking. Eventually,
Jericho attempts the walls of Jericho on Christian while both
are on the ladder, but both tumble off and Jericho gores
himself in the ass with the ladder on the fall! Ouch.
Normally, I'd make a Bradshaw joke, but he doesn't work on
this brand, so I'll let it go. (but needless to say, I see
more ladder matches in his future! Wait. I said I'd let it go.
I forgot. Sorry.)
Anyway,
the big finish sees both men go up again, and
Jericho this time executes a flying face buster off the
ladder, before finally climbing up and retrieving the
Intercontinental Title for a record 7th time. But then again,
he held the previous record too, so I guess it's not that big
of a deal.
Winner & NEW
Intercontinental Champion: Y2J, despite being the slowest
ladder climber in recorded history. Good thing these two dudes
decided to not become firemen, that's all I can
say.
- No Mercy is in
a few weeks. Either JBL or Undertaker will be stuffed into
hearse and murdered!...and no one will be arrested. Imagine
that.
-Lita comes
out and buries her husband Kane on the
mic. Weird. Normally, she's all into dudes who spent
most of their lives in masks. Maybe Kane needs to learn
how to hurricanrana. He'll get some lovin' then. Anyway, this
brings out Kane, and Lita brags that because of her, the
next match will be NO DQ. Wait. No Dairy Queen? That's
right, no matter how hot these
two get, they can’t have any ice cream. Especially the
peanut buster
parfait!
Kane w/
Lita vs. Shawn Michaels: No DQ.
This will be the
first time we’ve seen Michaels in the ring since Kane crushed
his throat….which of course was SO debilitating that HBK was
seen at the Republican convention as if nothing happened! And
I for one am so proud of Shawn. I mean, even an obliterated
trachea ISN’T ENOUGH to stop the boy-toy from telling you,
yes, YOU, that you need to get out there and VOTE. That’s
right, even a life threatening injury, or let's face it,
POTENTIAL DEATH, is not enough to stop this courageous
man from singing the praises of our electoral process! What a
patriot!
Anyway, the two
men brawl, and eventually end up on the arena floor. Kane
clears off the Spanish table, (SURPRISE) and slams HBK on it,
but it doesn't break. Off camera, Hugo and Carlos high five,
as the extra restraints in the table they installed held out.
Kane then suplexes HBK through it, and they hang their heads.
"¡Ay, ay, ay, no es bueno! ¡Ay, Dios no me ama!” ¡El dios ama
a Shawn Michaels! ;)
From there,
Kane rams HBK into the steps and busts him open. BLOOD IS
FREE-FLOWING FROM HIS HEART FOR THE LORD. Back in the ring, Kane works over Shawn's neck
with a vice, but eventually HBK rallies, and counters
a back suplex attempt into a DDT, and hits the
flying forearm, followed by his flying elbow drop.
Which is probably the same moves I'd use on a dude who tried
to callously murder me; you know, instead of say a gun or
a knife. STAY STILL SO I MAY ELBOW DROP THEE, EVIL DOER. From
there, HBK tries some chin music, but Kane counters with
a boot of his own. Kane tries
to use a steel chair from there, but the old ball and
chain grabs it from him and distracts Kane long enough for
Michaels to attempt a superkick. However, Kane catches the
foot and spins Michaels into a choke slam goozle, but Michaels
counters that, and hits the sweet chin music to get the win.
He thinks he's cute. He knows he's sexy. Hey, why does a
married fundamentalist Christian have a theme-song that
conveys fornication?
Winner:
HBK. In normal relationships, the most you have to put
up with from your expecting wife is massaging her fat
feet or fetching a jar of pickles and ice cream in the dead of
the night. In WWE, your pregnant wife tries to make sure you
die, so she alone can raise your demonic son, that based
on his parentage will possess both the abilities to get
injured constantly while simultaneously reanimating himself.
Go figure.
-“Mr. Benjamin”
is returning to RAW! Wait, my 7th grade Science
teacher? Why?
-Backstage,
Triple H gets is interviewed by Tard Grisham. HHH tells Randy
Orton that he “brought him into this world”, and I was so
waiting for a Darth Vader moment. “Randy…I am your Father. Now
lay down for your father. You haven't paid your dues." Ok,
maybe not. HHH then finishes off
the interview by telling us that Evolution stuck with him
because “people gravitate towards greatness”, but I think
that's just his wife's gravitational pull. I see how he'd make
that mistake, though.
(C) La
Résistance vs. Rhyno & Tajiri; World Tag team
Championship.
La Resistance
start off by singing the Canadian national anthem, which
offends the crowd to ITS VERY CORE. "How dare these guys be
from a completely different culture! Don't
they know we saved their asses in WW2?; you know,
despite the fact they were in there from the beginning and
we were like the last country to join the Alliance? DON'T
THEY KNOW!?" Anyway, Rhyno and Tajiri put an end to
that, standing up for the plight of America, as only a
Japanese guy who doesn't speak English (Engrish?) and a dude
who thinks he's an African animal can. That's
right.
Anyway, this
match was in the unfortunate position of following the really
hot Kane/HBK bout , and thus the crowd was flatter than a
Korean gymnast as a result. But perhaps that's La
Résistance's ploy? Create matches so void of interest
that it breaks our resolve that much more, making us
completely vulnerable
for...something? Wait, just what is the point of
La Résistance's gimmick anyway? It's not like Quebec is really
in the position to invade anything. BEWARE, AMERICA! You won't
see all those mustaches and wheels of cheese
coming!
Tajiri
plays your face in peril for much of this one, as the
Man-beast waits patiently on the apron for the tag. La Rez
take turns working Tajiri over, and the crowd starts to chant
"USA". Seriously. Makese sense. I myself
always get fired up at the chant of "Bolivia!" whenever
I'm competing at anything, you know, despite the fact I'm
fucking not from there. Good thinking guys. Anyway,
Tajiri finally gets off a desperation head scissors on Conway,
and he makes the tag to Rhyno, who enters a house of fire, and
delivers a huge spinebuster. La Rez regain the advantage soon
after with a double flapjack, but since they're French, I
guess it'd be crêpes? I don't know. Grenier then tries to
use the flag as a weapon as the referee is distracted, but
Tajiri dropkicks it low on him. But fear not, I assure you this was
not the first time he had a pole shoved violently between
his legs. How else do you think he got a job here? Rhyno
then hits the stumbling Grenier with a gore, but Conway puts
Sylvain’s leg on the ropes breaking count. Grenier then
recovers, and hits Rhyno with said flag pole as the referee is
distracted with Conway and Tajiri on the floor, and Grenier
scores the pin as a result.
SACREBLEU!
Winners: La
Résistance. Poor Tajiri. He didn't even get a chance to spew
mist in Grenier's face. And here I had a joke all lined up.
What a shame. But hey, how 'bout that tag team division, eh?
Got to love WWE. The only sport in the world where
there's more champions then challengers.
-HHH/Randy Orton
package. Evolution has just passed Randy Orton by! But hey,
last time I checked, Evolution was supposed to mean progress,
right? As in moving forward? If the real Evolution was
like HHH's version, we'd all still be monkeys,
and he'd be the only fucker allowed to discover fire and
walk upright. HE'S THE DIAMOND IN THIS BUSINESS. BOY AM I
TALKING LOUD.
HHH vs. (C) Randy
Orton for the World Heavyweight
Championship;
The announcers
are of course sure to put over the "fact" that Randy Orton is
the youngest World Champion in wrestling history, which of
course is not true. You know, just like when they said he
was the longest reigning Intercontinental Champion of the last
7 years. I love that Randy's career is being built
entirely on fake hyperbole. Let us imagine some more "facts"
about the Legend Killer:
-As a Marine,
Randy once single-handedly took out an entire army armed
only with CHINLOCKS, one dropkick and an RKO. Which is like a
Swiss Army knife in the Orton household.
-Randy once
delivered a standing dropkick so MAJESTIC and HIGH that
his head ever so briefly passed through the Kingdom of
Heaven!
-Randy
Orton is the tallest human being in
recorded history, at 6'4".
-Randy Orton was
the youngest baby ever born.
-Randy
Orton graduated University with a degree in Chinlockery.
Four more Chinlocks, and he'll get his
doctorate.
-Randy Orton is
immortal and cannot die. Unless Pedigreed. That's it. The only
way.
Glad we cleared
that up.
Anyway, the
two wrestle at a slower pace, feeling each other out. Orton
then teases the magic loogie…and actually spits on HHH!
However, the loogie in question is quite substantially smaller
than the load he spewed a few weeks ago on the Game; which was
actually a relief, because for a second there I feared Orton
might have Lou Gherig’s disease. Anyway, the bulk of the match was a lot of mat
work, and if you’re an old school fan, this’d do it for you.
However, considering the hatred between the two, I figured
we’d see much more of a brawl. And besides, not trying to be a
prick or anything, but when you work a body part for over 10
minutes, shouldn’t it actually have bearing on the finish?
Anyway, HHH works Orton’s legs and
executes a figure four, and holds the ropes for leverage.
Orton tries to reverse the position, but every time he tries
to flip over, The Game grabs the ropes to keep from being
turned. Finally, the referee spots HHH and makes him break the
hold. AND THIS IS WHERE THE PSYCHOLOGY ENDS. Orton comes back with a DDT and a dropkick. AND
SUDDENLY THE LEG IS 100% HEALED. Man, it's a shame this guy
was discharged from the military. You could shoot him in the
face, and he'd be back like nothing happened like 5 minutes
later, ready to tackle the enemy with a slew of LETHAL
chinlocks. You know, much like the way MacArthur, Audie
Murphy and Patton did. Yup.
Orton is
now on full offense. Crossbody for two.
Neckbreaker/backbreaker combo for another two. He then goes
for the RKO, but HHH pushes him off and the ref gets BUMPED.
In a HHH match. I think we all know what happens next.
Evolution runs in, and Orton starts fighting them off. He's
laying the smacketh down! Wait, that was the other
guy. He's stomping a mud ho...No. Wait. I'll compromise: HE'S
KICKING HIM INTO A DIRTY WATER LOGGED PUDDLE, AND NOW HE'S
MOVING HIS FEET ABOUT UNTIL IT EVAPORATES! There, that's
better. Flair then eats an
RKO, and Batista gets posted. HHH regains the
advantage by hitting a low blow …and your new
referee….Jonathan Coachman runs in? Huh? OK, I get
it, Coach still holds a grudge for all those times
Orton did….absolutely nothing to him? Alrighty. Looks
like Evolution ain't the only "mystery no one sees". It looks
like the fucking booking is too. Coach then makes
the count but Orton is out at two; which is kind of good since
I didn’t know a guy could be knocked cold by a punch to the
BALLS.
At this point
they’re really going for more of the Stone Cold
"persevere against all odds" feel here. Orton punches Coach,
but walks into a Batista spinebuster, but still Orton kicks
out. HHH then tries for a pedigree, but he gets back body
dropped, and Coach eats an RKO which for some reason doesn’t
register a disqualification. FULL OF MYSTERY NO ONE
SEES. However, in the confusion, HHH has a chair and
WHAM! Total hard-way shot to the head. It looked pretty stiff.
HHH then muscles Orton up and finishes him
with the PEDIGREE... onto the chair, which is like
being hit with a nuclear blast...then being crushed with
a falling asteroid the size of Rhode Island. At least in
HHH's world. And ya, Triple H wins his 9th
Heavyweight Championship after Batista rolled Hebner back in
the ring after Baby Earl had quite the siesta on the floor.
You know, considering he was only BODY CHECKED. High school
must've been pretty rough for old Earl. Every time someone
bumped into him in the crowded hall at school, he'd be out
cold for the rest of the day.
Winner and NEW
World Heavyweight Champion: Triple H, who just ended the
amazing run of "the longest reigning World
Heavyweight Champion of the last 25 minutes". That's
right. JR Ain't the only guy who can spin
shit....
-HHH celebrates
with Evolution as your new World Champion. It's about
time this guy got his shot to be champion! He's been on the
sidelines far too long! I see nothing but main events in this
kids future! Sky's the limit!
End
show.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Hey, yesterday may
have *technically* been September 11th, but I guarantee you
this is a night Randy Orton will "never forget". Where's the
NYFD when you need them? Someone needs to dig Orton out of his
hole here. Ah, I kid. But seriously, I don't see the point of
jobbing Orton out this soon. Hell, if you wanted the belt off
him, there's a number of ways to do it better than to waste
what is supposed to be your big WM 21 main event at
Unforgiven...where it all began again. Still though,
you can't penalize a show for one bad booking decision. And
this one was surprisingly solid, bar Tomko and Richards, which
was so mind-bogglingly terrible, that the heavens
nearly opened up and swallowed the earth into the dark void
forever. But other than one potentially apocalypse-inducing
wrestling match, Good stuff. So, it gets my patented thumb of
full uppery.
/5